Breathing in the Weekend

The weekend past was quite possibly the definition of a "perfect weekend". A day trip with and to meet up with my siblings, followed by a day of phone calls, the delivery of a free filing cabinet, combined with a visit including a light lunch and a moderate amount of productivity.

My socializing skills are rusty. I replay parts of conversations I had and shudder. "Why did I say that?" "Why didn't I listen more?" "Why didn't I invite the other person to tell their stories more?" 

This is exactly how I used to feel when I was young. I was not an outgoing child and the times I could re-hear my voice and regret talking were many. I lost a lot more sleep over it in those days but the feeling is very similar.

I believe I invited negativity into the weekend with me. Shame on me. 

All conditions were perfect! Could I please have a "redo" of the weekend I just had? 

Focusing on the Joy

I found this in my morning scroll through Facebook:

~ Ziad K. Abdelnour

Image from rawforbeauty.com

So much truth in such a simple metaphor.

One's perception of "life" is so often where one places their focus.

I watch videos of children misbehaving and getting attention for their actions. 

Then we wonder why children are acting the way they do?

I scroll past information I find "jump on the bandwagon and 'hate' this person".

So much energy is spent on spreading the hate. 

And we wonder why there the peace within the world is threatened?

The state of our economy, job security, the value of our dollar and concern about the future?

They are all very valid concerns. 

Every time I start worrying about that which is out of my control, I look inward and try to find some small way in which I can control my very small piece of the puzzle (which is quite possibly why I spend an extraordinary amount of time scouring my financial spreadsheet to analyze my spending patterns and try to adapt better habits to secure a better future).

There is so very much that is out of our control within our world.

But if we focus on what's important,

Capture the joy we find along our way,

Develop from the negativity that surrounds us,

And just keep taking another shot when things go wrong,

 We will create a mental "photo album" that brings as much peace of mind as we can muster.

Thank you, Facebook for bringing the good stuff to our attention. 

I do not apologize for the negativity I quickly scroll past.

I am placing my focus on that which enlightens me and brings me joy.

It makes living in my happy little bubble wrapped world a better place to be.

New Habits and Me

I have filled a journal and ran the ink dry on two, brand new (for journal writing only) pens. Morning pages and me seem to be working.

Julia Cameron, something is happening here. What started out as three pages of negativity, whining and repetitive nonsense has unclogged some of my writing arteries.

I have a way to go but I believe I'm off to a good start. Writing and me go back a long way. Instilling the habit of literally writing from the heart, straight onto the page without technological intervention (a computer keyboard) has worked some kind of magic for me. 

I know "writing" isn't the answer for everyone but it sure works for me. I always seem to find my answers when I let myself write like no one is reading. I highly recommend it.

Day of Gratitude

This is a most perfect day to sit back and be grateful. I am home after a most excellent period of focusing on family, friends, gatherings and outings. I am home.

Family. Ours is a special and unique blending of personalities who support, encourage, care, share and laugh together. 

I have just returned home from my uncle's 90th birthday and spent the weekend with Dad's brothers, their wives and a few cousins. I am so very grateful I was there. Memories were made, laughter is still ringing in my ears and it was simply a gift to be present and accounted for, to celebrate and acknowledge a most incredibly special man.

My siblings and I have recently had a "Sibling Weekend" together. I don't take this sibling relationship for granted and I am grateful we nurture it by continuing to make time to get together. The easy camaraderie we share is a gift. As we parted ways to return back to our lives in progress, we tossed ideas into the air about "next time" ...

My own little family has been busy leading their own lives, doing their own thing and making their way. We haven't gathered as a family unit for a few months but a tentative un-birthday party to acknowledge all the birthdays that passed by without acknowledgement is in the works. We are still in the process of creating our own piece of family history together but we are off to a good start. I am grateful.

Friends. My uncle's 90th birthday party has me reflecting on the value of good friends. I was at the door as his guests arrived and heard a brief synopsis of how he met and how long he has known some of his friends. Alumni from his university days; people he had worked with; students he befriended; his "Little Brother"; friends through his volunteer work; friends he met through his partner. The common denominator was that all of these friends had a history. It was not uncommon to hear "I've known Harold for 40 [or more] years" or some variation of that throughout the gathering. He is 90 years old and 38 of his close friends gathered to acknowledge the day and there are those who couldn't attend but will come another time. Amazing.

I am blessed with an arsenal of good friends. Lasting relationships take time and investment. Although I don't see my friends on a regular basis I know the friendships are real because when we do get together, it is like picking up from where we last left off. My take-away from the weekend past, is to pick up a pen, send an email or even make the odd phone call. Friendship is a two way street and nurturing the friendships one already has is a very good place to begin.

Health. Mobility. Aging gracefully. These are the little things one takes for granted when you wake up and hop out of bed with ease. This is huge. I am grateful for all of the above. As it is with relationships, one must nurture what one already has. Eating better and moving more are two steps I can take to maintain what I already have.

Peace of mind. I have heard so many people's stories that involve a loved one battling with some variety of mental health. It seems to reach out and touch everyone in some way or another. So many words ... so little to say. It is a hard life out there. To wake up in the morning and feel like one can take on the day is a blessing beyond comprehension. I am grateful.

It has been a busy time and the gremlin inside my head keeps nattering negative little thoughts which has created a bit of an inner battle to fully enjoy all the gifts I've been given. I have taken that negativity, thrown it into the light of day and waged a war with it. I do believe I have tamed the negative Nellie within and I truly believe it all begins with gratitude.

I just want to say "Thank you". Thank you thank you thank you for all I have been given. My job here on earth is to appreciate and nurture everything I already have. I can do that. 

I love this day of open gratitude. What are you grateful for today?

"Happy Thanksgiving to all!!"

A Negativity Hangover

Do you ever wake up in the morning and hear someone else's words ringing in your mind, reminding you of all that is wrong in the world?

It has been a while. But I woke up with such a hangover this morning.

I replayed the conversation in my mind. I rethought my thoughts as I was on the receiving end of that conversation. I wonder how often my words leave a bad taste in another person's thoughts?

I did a lot of listening. Others often listen far too long throughout some of my monologues. 

Sometimes a person just needs to release some words to relieve the pressure of holding everything in. I know I do.

Sometimes we need to hear our thoughts aloud to find our own answers. The same thoughts can cycle around and around and around in my brain and it isn't until I speak (or write) them aloud that I hear my own answers.

It felt different on the other end of this conversation. The negativity gained momentum and power. It spurred on action on this person's behalf and they were glad they said what they did because it made a difference.

When it was my turn to speak, I told some parallel stories and wistfully spoke of the "stories I tell myself" when others act in a way that affects others. 

That person speeding on a quiet Saturday morning? Maybe they were in a rush and heading to the hospital for some emergency.

The truck that pulled out in front of me and made an unsafe left turn as I was headed directly in their path? They must have thought they had an arrow.

No one I know would cause an accident on purpose. A momentary distraction ... a bad decision ... light in someone's eyes which impairs their ability to see ... anything at all can cause a momentary lapse in judgement. I count my lucky stars for all the times any one of the above has happened to me and an accident was averted because someone else had time to react in a manner to save the moment.

No one's memory is infallible. Some of us are more fortunate than others when it comes to that which we can remember. No one would choose to lose their ability to recall what they have just been told. No one. What if it was me? I would hope those around me would simply repeat that which has just been said and not hold it against me.

Then I think of the time I could have very well have been the one with an offensive barking dog ... or not keeping up to the neighborhood's standards of yard maintenance ... or the noise from my daycare ... or the noise which one can hear through a shared wall. And I am sorry.

I tried to keep the dog quiet.

I have done my best, with the time and resources I have, to maintain our house and yard to the neighborhood's standard.

I attempted to keep the daycare noises happy ones (though I am haunted by the screaming and crying I can still hear in the echo of those days).

I think of the neighbor I had when I lived in a townhouse during my marriage. I am sorry for the noise she had to hear. But I am grateful for the time(s) she called the police.

I choose to believe each and every one of us is doing the best we can, under the circumstances we are living in. 

I choose to believe that if we treat each other with kindness and compassion, we will achieve the best results. 

I know enough to believe that all the positive thoughts in the world will not erase the "noise" of the world around us. We are imperfect beings living in an imperfect world. Egos and lifestyles will clash. It is inevitable.

All we can do, is do our best. The best we can do, is believe everyone else is doing the same. Our "best" changes from moment to moment, day to day, circumstance to circumstance.

Who are we hurting the most by holding onto the anger and resentment? Not the other guy. I don't believe in letting "that guy" hold that much power within my life. 

I tell myself my happy little stories whenever I can and try my best to live happily within this little bubble of optimism and hope. Yes, my bubble has been penetrated. No, I can't do this at all times and in all circumstances. But I try. I do my best. I choose to believe everyone else is too. 

I simply hope the person on the other side of this conversation woke up with a positivity hangover. I can hope ...

Inspirational Input = Inspirational Output

I made a promise to myself at the onset of this weekend. I would only allow myself to tune out the world and turn on the TV if I watched something uplifting and inspirational. I have almost succeeded in that goal (a little Home & Garden Network "fix" was required).

I had taped "The Lois Wilson Story - When Love is Not Enough". It is the story of Bill and Lois Wilson, the co-founders of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. Attending Al-Anon meetings changed the course of my life and the way I reacted to it. That small "One Day at a Time in Al-Anon" book was my bible and guided me through and beyond some of my darkest days. It impacted my life.

Even though it seemed rather coincidental that I chose to watch it first, it seems rather symbolic now that I look back on my choice of media input this weekend.

Al-Anon truly changed me. When people talk of some of the qualities they see in me, there are a lot that come from inhaling, living and breathing those words at a time when I didn't know which way to turn. Yes, family, friends, circumstances and hereditary all play a part in who I am but none of those came with a guidebook. Finally I had something to have and to hold with an index in the back to take me to exactly what I needed to read at exactly the right time.

My only regret is giving away my little guidebook to sanity, though I had memorized most of what I needed to know to persevere. Life went on and so did I. I had a solid foundation to move forward from where I was with or without my little Al-Anon bible.

I have always been drawn to inspirational quotes, words and poems. I have a file folder full of "inspirational words" I have collected along my way. But the next time a book truly changed my life was a time when I didn't even get the actual book. What I received was even better than that. It was a daily calendar with quotes and inspirational words from the book "The Secret".

I knew I used those quotes as a catalyst for many of my blog posts so I searched this blog to see if I could pinpoint an actual date. Why does it surprise me that I received that as a Christmas gift in 2007 and my first blog post was dated December 29, 2007?

If you have Netflix, I highly advise that you stop reading this right now and watch "The Secret". Then again, maybe not. Put this on your to-do list for a time when you have an hour and a half to spare and you feel open and receptive to listening to some rather powerful suggestions, quotes and ideas. I thought of almost every person in my life as I watched this. Whether you're in a "ground zero" state and restarting your life from the rubble or dealing with relationship issues, a personal crisis, health issues or almost anything anywhere in between, there is something for everyone.

I scribbled down quotes throughout the entire documentary. 95% of them were quotes I have quoted within this blog. Now that I realize that this blog was inspired at the time I was reading these quotes, it is quite likely not a coincidence. But I keep finding and rereading these quotations and they speak to me in different ways on different days.

I can understand a sceptic watching this, believing it's a bunch of malarkey. Perhaps there are some far fetched ideas but there are more that are based on what we know to be true.

• "What you think about, you bring about" 
• "All that we are is a result of what we have thought" ~ Buddha
• "Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions" ~ Albert Einstein
• "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step" ~ Martin Luther King Jr.
• "What you resist persists" ~ Carl Jung
• "Energy flows where attention goes" ~ James Redfield

As I watched "The Secret" portray a person's a day spiralling out of control with one small annoyance after another getting all the focus, my last frustrating day replayed before me like a movie reel. I knew as I was living it, that I wasn't doing a very good job at being my "best self". In fact, my exact words at the end of it all were: "I like nothing about how I handled things, who I was or how I coped. It was hard but my rotten attitude made things ten times worse than they needed to be."

It's easy to be positive and uplifting when you are on the other side of the issues at hand. As I was living this day, if someone suggested I stop and watch "The Secret", I may have bit their head off. But now that I have a little perspective and space from a day gone terribly wrong, I may be able to construct a roadmap to guide me another day. Because it is going to happen. Life is all about second chances and do-overs. These obstacles aren't put in our way to annoy us. They lie before us so we can try again another day and do better. I will give myself a small reprieve and follow the sage advise I tell my little daycare family "When you know better, you do better".

I feel life greatly. When I was younger, the peaks were higher and the valleys were lower. As I've moved on and through life, I still ride those hills but the thrills aren't quite as high, nor are the lows so debilitating. I grimaced when I was told by family members when they could foresee a fall coming after I rose to new heights. I tried hiding the highs and the lows so I wasn't so transparent but I felt like a fraud. Words dried up and so did the emotions. I stopped feeling so deeply. I lost the good stuff right along with the bad. I looked back at the years I lived greatly and wondered what had gone so terribly wrong since then.

When you stop focusing on the "happy", the "sad" takes over. When you stop dreaming, you stop anticipating life and start dreading what is around the next corner. When you hyper-focus on all that is going wrong, you forget to count how many things are going right.

I didn't want to stop and write this after watching "The Secret". I wanted to go and dream and create visions of the life I want to live and how I want to feel while I'm living it. I want to start building a "Vision Board". I want to create my visions, file them away, keep my dreams alive and believe possibilities are endless. Then I want to find that "vision board" again and realize that all of my dreams have come true and I didn't even realize it.

This has happened to me before. If I write it, it comes. I never know how or when and I rarely even recognize it is happening at the time. It is only when I go back and reread what I wrote a year later that I realized I had subconsciously been creating a wish list. "Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus", and that Santa Claus is you. If you can believe it, you can create it.

Think about the world you want to create. Focus on what is going right, even if it feels like everything is going terribly wrong. Did you wake up this morning? Yes. Could you see the daylight peek through your window? Probably. Could you hear the annoying sound of an alarm clock (if you are reading this on a work day)? Quite likely so. Did you have a roof over your head? Were you warm, fed and clothed? We take the basics of life for granted. Think about one person who is suffering more than you and it seems they were dealt an unfair hand. Suddenly it shifts your perspective and in that moment you remember how good you have it.

I don't want to underplay the gravity of what so many are dealing with as they wake up to each new day. I live in a world where far too many people I know and care about are dealing with the aftermath of what they have been given. It is far from easy and watching "The Secret" isn't going to fix all that ails them. But if we try to refocus our attention to what is good, list all we are grateful for, feed the positive aspects of our life, create a vision of what we want and where we want to go ... maybe, just maybe we can turn our thoughts around. Thoughts are a powerful thing.  Begin where you are and go forward from there. One small baby step at a time.

Openly Grateful

I remember someone once suggesting I silence myself from my openly expressing my gratitude over what I felt grateful for.

Whether it was the weather, the ability to pay my bills or my good fortune over a relatively easy experience with parenthood (my third time around).

I can't remember what my misdemeanor was, but I was advised "Don't jinx yourself" on more than one occasion.

It was six years ago when that phrase resonated within my thoughts enough to write it down. Six years later, it still rings true in my mind.

I think of those who advised me not to jinx myself by not being openly grateful. Is it a coincidence that some of these people are the same people who seem to have a recurring cycle of negative things happening within their life?

I recently ran into one who advised me not to speak openly of my gratitude. We stopped in the middle of the grocery store and the world around us stopped spinning as we each answered the question "How have you been since we last spoke?"

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Her life was a little bit of the "same old dirt, different pile" kind of story. And in a round about way, so was mine.

Since life took us in two different directions, I tried a new career path, didn't like it and returned to where I was happiest. If you look at me now and compare me to the person I was six years ago, one would assume I hadn't changed a bit.

It is amazing what outer appearances do not reveal until you dig a little deeper.

I admit that I do not know the inside scoop of her story either but the feeling I walked away with is that her life is relatively unchanged. Or moreso, her reaction to it.

But do you know what? I have the feeling that she may have thought the same about me.

Do you know what is even better than that? I am so incredibly grateful that the events of the tough years I endured between then and now hasn't jaded me. I am still openly grateful. I believe gratitude is key for me.

Positive words and thoughts beget positive reactions. Maybe not each and every time but if I internalize the negative in a positive way, I don't walk away from a negative experience feeling like it has brought me down. I feel empowered because I have learned something life changing or empathy or simply a reminder that the prescription on my rose colored glasses needs to be updated from time to time.

When I listen to someone who is holding onto a grudge or can't seem to get past a broken heart I understand there is a process that needs to take place. A person needs to feel, live and express their hurt, anger and frustration, before you can get to a place where your heart feels mended enough to take the lesson learned from your personal crisis and be courageous enough to carry on.

I'm grateful that life taught me that answers don't always come easy. But when they do eventually arrive in their own way and in their own time, your heart is so very much happier when you can take the lesson and release the pain.

Easier said than done. I can still feel the pain of my life lessons when I think hard enough. But if I focus on gratitude, the lesson starts to take precedence over the hurt.

You simply cannot lose by being grateful. I tend to want to sing it from the rooftops. Not because I want to brag about my good fortune. I don't. It is just that I tend to believe that I can't attract positive in my life if I am focused on the negative.

I tend to be grateful over little things. Waking up to a predictable little life that basically goes according to plan is one of my life's biggest blessings.

Waking up to a day where I need to work at making things happen to get beyond a particular problem or challenge is hard. Taking those necessary first steps to overcome the issue at hand is even harder.

But do you know what? The moment I take one step in a forward direction, the weight starts to lessen. Even when that step doesn't take me where I need to go, I know that forward in any direction is better than sitting still and becoming paralyzed with the emotion of the moment.

Fear, hurt, anger, heartache, grief, worry, frustration (to name only a few) have the ability to incapacitate me.

Fear is a big one for me. I am quite literally afraid of most things. But the moment I turn on the lights and reveal that there is no monster lurking under my bed after all, I become more empowered.

Turn on the lights. Look under your bed. Take one small step in any direction. Pat yourself on the back for doing hard things. Express gratitude often.

Focus on what is going right. Even if it feels like everything else is going wrong. Be openly grateful for the smallest of things.

Rinse and repeat daily. Do your best. It may not solve everything but if it gets you through one hard minute at a time, it is worth a shot.

Remind me of this in a few months when the sun stops waking me up in the morning, okay?

Looking For Solid Ground Again

I'm waking up empty these days. I believe I'm losing my ability to write so I am just going to let the words free fall this morning and see what happens.

I had an unexpected day off yesterday. And I spent 95% of the day sitting in front of the TV watching Telemiracle.

I have gotten to "know" Jeffery Straker and Andrea Menard up close and personally, thanks to a dear friend who introduced me to the wonderful world of house concerts.

Add that rather impressive line up, to the fact that my great niece, my niece-in-law and her sister sang at the Telemiracle and that was a good enough reason to sit still with the day and just take in the good will, incredible stories and outpouring of love and generosity from the people of Saskatchewan. From 9:00 p.m. Saturday night until 5:00 Sunday morning, $4,312,457 was raised.

Amazing things happen when people dream big, spread the word and ask for a helping hand.

The key is in the dream. If you don't dare to dream, you don't witness the miracles that can happen by stepping out of what is comfortable.

The fire in my heart hasn't died but it certainly needs to be stirred up and needs to be fed some oxygen.

Oxygen. That is key.

Breathe in deeply. Hold it. Exhale slowly.

It's good for your lungs too. But just as importantly, I believe it is good for your brain and quality of life.

Inhale the day today. Dare to chase a small dream. Make a game of chasing a few impossible dreams.

I am talking to myself here. The dream centre of my brain is out of order and I need to fix it. I am not certain where to begin but I thought I'd let my fingers do the talking and see if I can find a road map out of this place I'm in.

The key is in the dream. When I stop dreaming, I lose the essence of who I am. I need to find that part of myself so I can reroute my thoughts and get the heck out of this place I've been visiting lately.

That is life. The ebbs and flows. The highs, the lows. The good, the bad, the sad, the scary.

Why did I emphasize the negative in that last sentence?

I can tell my thoughts are struggling to find the positive. That is not who I am or where I want to be.

I know I need to focus on gratitude. That is the beginning of the road to positivity. Once I'm on that road, only good things can happen. Well bad things can happen too. But one tends to roll with the punches better if you start out on solid ground.

I'm looking for solid ground. I know it is here someplace. And I know it starts with me.

It is a new week. Anything can happen...

The Long Reaching Effects of Bullying

A former employer of mine is taking an active stance on bullying and I applaud their actions. Except I am skeptical. I am so very wary of believing this can change within an institution where I (as an adult) was a victim of bullying in that particular workplace.

In all of the years I have lived, I have never felt so helpless. Me! One who has lived through an abusive marriage. Yet this workplace situation was my undoing.

What happened? Why couldn't I fight back? Why does it still haunt me (almost) three years after the fact? Did the events which preceded my 'incident' set me up to be in a position where I felt belittled to the point of tears most days?

The day prior to my interview for the job-that-I-wanted-the-most, I had been publicly berated and humiliated by my boss (at a job I had taken so I would have a part-time job to help me afford to accept this job if it was offered to me). I was beyond devastated. I was still shaking from the anger and embarrassment from the day prior, while I was being interviewed. My confidence was shattered. During my interview, I came clean and mentioned the incident from the day prior and I was still a little rattled. This revelation may have set the stage for what was to follow. I will never know for sure.

Prior to this, I had another negative experience in the workplace. It wasn't public humiliation but it was a slow and gradual deterioration of my self esteem over the course of a much longer term.

This was preceded by 50 years of life where I lived in a bubble-wrapped world. I didn't struggle with school and had the ability to do well in my studies if that was where I chose to focus my energy. I found work within the financial services industry and succeeded with whatever was put before me. I earned a reputation of being a conscientious and hard worker. It followed me wherever I went. From there, I opened my daycare where I worked for/with parents who liked and respected me. I was becoming confident. Then, I took a chance and decided to try out a new career path.

At the age of 51 years old, I walked into a brand new place of employment (yes, they did hire me after my most-awful-interview-known-to-man) with the confidence of a sixteen year old. Or less.

That is the scenario which preceded the events to follow.

It is a long and tedious tale but it didn't take long for me to figure out my supervisor did not like me. This terrified me just a little bit (a lot) and I continued to become less-of-who-I-was and more of who-she-thought-I-was. It was not a place I would ever choose to be. But I was there.

I knew things were bad so I approached her and invited her to talk with me and let me know how I could improve. I did not expect it to be on the spot, in front of all of the other office staff and for it to be a public humiliation of epic proportions.

At this point, I knew I was most definitely not imagining all that was going on (quite literally) behind my back. I talked to the administrative person who hired me. I talked to my supervisor's superior. I explained what was going on and though I didn't have words to ask, I needed help. I just didn't know how desperate I was. Until things got worse.

And they did.

I unravelled slowly but surely. I had 50 years of success which preceded these events so I used every strategy that had worked for me in the past to succeed, despite the odds.

When my questions were not being answered, I researched my own answers. When I found myself unable to be quick enough to perform my duties, I took work home with me and devised a spreadsheet where I could come up with my own answers easily. I asked questions of anyone and everyone who was happy to supply them. By this time, I was under the impression my supervisor had instructed my co-workers not to answer any of my questions, so she was the one I would have to go to for answers. And then she may or may not choose to answer them.

I focused on the positive I found within those tortured days. There are morsels of goodness in every situation. And I found them. It was a struggle but I was gasping for air so I thought this just might work.

I went to a counselling session which I paid for out of my own pocket. I needed a strategy to get through this. This was the job I most wanted. All I had to do was overcome this one obstacle and I would be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I needed answers. I needed help.

I did not want to approach my supervisor's boss and turn this into a "She said/she said" situation that reminded me of teenage girls. I thought if I just kept doing the next right thing, I would get to where I needed to be to work through and past this challenge.

For days and weeks on end, I came home from work and cried. Time after time after time. All of my strategies were wearing me down and wearing me out. I had the feeling it wasn't working but I was terrified to approach my supervisor by this point because I knew she was not my ally. I was working to succeed despite her best efforts to keep me down.

Two months is all it took for this situation to come to a peak and have to be dealt with. I was given an ultimatum. I could stay in my position, not pass my probation and be without a job. Or I could resign my position and accept whatever fate would hand out to me (a part-time floating position within the organization).

At this point, I knew I had information that my superiors needed to know. I finally opened up to the people within my world and they put a name to what I was experiencing. "You are being bullied".

I was 51 years old and I did not have the vocabulary to describe this situation until someone gave it to me. Fifty one years old! How in the world do children and young teens take control of a subtle, manipulative bullying situation when it doesn't fit the mold that has been provided for them? Bullying takes on so very many forms and (from my experience) the bullying you cannot see is just as damaging than that which is blatant and recognizable.

My supervisor's boss was my boss. He was the one who gave me my final ultimatum. When I described my half of all of the events which had preceded the moment when he invited me into his office, he admitted  he did not know (nor investigate) my side of the story. The verdict was written without a defence.

I was two months into a brand new position in a brand new work place. I was working at a place of employment that I could see taking me through to my retirement. I wanted (and needed) this job. I said the hard words, "I have documentation and I can provide it to you if you need for this to go in (my supervisor's) file". And do you know what his answer was? "I was hoping it wouldn't come to this ..."

This, from a person who was holding a position-of-authority within the very institution that is in a position of trust for preventing bullying to happen to children. And this was his answer?!?

I could have fought this. The moment I mentioned this to the person who was in the administrative position of hiring me, she immediately responded, "We take these situations very seriously. Let me find out more information." By the time she got back to me, I was terrified of the ramifications pursuing this would bring. I was a brand new employee. I was in jeopardy of losing my job. I was vulnerable and felt ill equipped to handle this on my own. So I bowed down and pretended it didn't really happen. For the sake of my future.

This sequence of events unfolded (almost) three years ago. And an announcement in the paper that this very same employer is going to implement a new strategy for the children in their care hit me hard.

If an adult, with all of the tools, resources, coping strategies, vocabulary and willingness to talk openly can't confront a bully when they are in their own 'front yard', what hope does a child have?

I am beyond grateful to see more accessible tools are becoming available and bullying is something that is discussed openly at all ages. But please, please, please give these children the tools to recognize the very subtle forms of bullying. Bullying in any form is dangerous but when it comes in the form even an adult cannot recognize while they are living it ... it is the most treacherous of all forms.

It has taken me over two and a half years to write this out loud. I am an adult, with all of the resources I could possibly hope for, right at my fingertips. I can still feel the whisper of those sequence of events, which haunt me to this day. Let's do whatever we possibly can, to help our children. They need it. More than we will ever know.

Living Out Loud

I have been censoring my thoughts and words this week and it hurts.

I live out loud in this little place called My Blog. I am careful with what I write here because friends and family read this and I do not want to set off any false alarms. As a rule this works well for me because it puts me in a place that I most-like-to-be. One can usually find the lessons within life's little challenges. Sometimes my fingers take me that spot sooner than I may get there if I rely solely on my reasoning abilities.

This week started out like any other. I was living my quiet little life, seasoned with ups and downs and the emotions one feels as you sort through the rubble of the day. This week is no different than any other ... except for the fact that I am a little more consumed with worrying about my financial state of affairs than usual (note to self: do not undertake any further renovations until you have the cash to do so).

Mom called me on Sunday night. She was concerned about the tone in the blogs that I sent to her. These blogs were one to two weeks old. Old news. Old worries. Old words. If I was my mom, I would think "Wow! Look how she worked through that little mess..." and I would carry on with my own self-absorbed world.

Need I say more? I am not my mom. And she is not me. She worries. She worries oh-so-much. She exhausts me with the energy she spends on worrying. I make every attempt not to be the source of her worry-of-the-moment.

I failed.

I'm tired. My life is too 'loud' at the moment. I can't find my quiet little space and a safe space to unleash my words. I need a spot to be real and uncensored.

I haven't found that spot for a little while and I lost my centre of gravity. The world beneath my feet was not quite as stable without those real and grounding conversations. In fact, I was almost at the point where if I had to have another mindless conversation about nothing I may have screamed. Out loud.

Then I had to worry about my mom. I couldn't even write honestly because of what I thought she may think and how she would internalize my words. My mom doesn't even have the Internet and has no way of knowing what I write here unless I print it off and send it to her. This is the power that my mom (still) has over me.

I was immobilized. Over nothing.

I was not overly affected by living my own life in the fashion that I was living it until my mom called me Monday night and didn't find me at home. She called my son and he didn't answer his phone. She called my home again and we have an unspoken pact within our home - we don't answer the phone unless the phone call is for us (so my Youngest Son didn't answer the phone either). So my mom called my brother searching for clues as to where I may be.

When I finally got home from donating blood and picking up a few groceries, I returned my mom's call. She was a mess. She had concocted wild and crazy scenarios where (I think) she thought I was having a mental breakdown. I made every attempt to relieve my mom's concerns but I don't think I succeeded.

Suddenly I was without words. What could I write and think about that my mom wouldn't obsess over. Apparently nothing. I started a few posts on my days-without-a-post and I couldn't complete them. Too serious. Too wordy. Too revealing. What would Mom think??

My mom had no reason to worry to start with. Sure I had some shades of blue in my days. Who doesn't? It feels better if I release some of that useless anxiety. The moment I write it or speak it or truly let myself feel it, those worries lose their power.

Living quietly kills me softly and quietly. Little things become powerful and I become a (blue) puddle on the ground beneath my feet.

Living out loud is my reality. I have safe spots where I spill my words so that they lose their power over me.

When you have 'real' conversations with people you are vulnerable. People may think you are weak or crazy or a myriad of other things. But what I have found to be the truth, is that when I live out loud and tell people my truth, I hear a different version of their own truth. Openness and honesty is the only foundation (in my books) for friendships that are real and lasting.

People all around me are hurting these days. I don't know where to turn some days. But I do know that the moment I stop hiding behind the façade that I think that my mom most wants to see, I become more of who I am. More honest. More compassionate. More open. More happy. More ... real.

Will I recycle and reuse the ideas within the posts titled "S.A.D.D." (Seriously Affected by these Dark Days) and "Walking a Tightrope"? I am not sure. Perhaps I will just go back and hit 'Publish' in their unedited form.

My week of Living Quietly has not been one of my better ones. I just got off the phone with the friend that I call when I have days (weeks) like this and we grounded each other in our parallel view of this universe. I feel sane and grounded and have found my centre of gravity again.

I'm going to Live Out Loud today. It feels right and it feels good. I find my happy by not burying myself under life's little speed bumps. I'm going to sail right over those bumps and worry about aligning my wheels another day when I have more time (and money).

It's Not Too Late to Save the Week

I talked a lot this past weekend. It is haunting me this week. Because I focused on that-which-was-not-uplifting in my life.

It was little things. It was what I chose to harp on that made such a difference. In the aftermath of the weekend ... all I see, hear and feel is negative. That is where my attention has been drawn, so it has created more of the same this week.

Every day you wake up. Every moment of the day you are living. You have choices. It is all about where you place your energy.

I can wake up in the middle of the night and feel awful. Maybe I'm coming down with something. Maybe it is an ache from abusing the way I use my body. In the middle of the night, the discomfort is all consuming. I have nothing else to distract me, so all that I feel is the pain-of-that-moment.

Oh, the number of times that I have quietly celebrated the mere idea of being able to call in sick, after feeling so terrible during the night. Then I wake up in the morning.

I am up and out of bed and going through my routines-of-the-day long before I notice that I am no longer feeling badly enough to be able to stay home from work. My focus has shifted to life-all-around-me and suddenly the intensity of whatever it was that woke me up in the middle of the night is gone.

Obviously I don't have many health or chronic pain issues to contend with. I know and appreciate just how fortunate that I am. But it is a little back-story as to what I'm trying to say here this morning.

What I focus on, is what I bring into my day. I know this. Yet this week I am letting little things play havoc with my focus.

• It's raining. Again. Still!
• My (almost) three-year-old is talking like a baby. Again. Still!
• One of my parents is late and not calling. Again!
• I don't know what to make for supper. Again.
• There is a wet dish rag in the sink. Again.
• I'm tired. Again. Still!!
• And the list goes on...

Today? We are going to go out and play in the rain. The wetter, the better. Bring it on!

Today? I am going to focus on talking to my (almost) three-year-old in a fashion to encourage him to show me just how smart he is.

Today? I will expect my parent to be late. If she shows up on time, I will celebrate.

Today? I know what I am making for supper. I just have to remember what it was when supper time rolls around ...

Today? If there is a wet dish rage in the sink, I will wring it out. I can do these things. Truly, I can.

Today? I will move. I will create energy within and stay awake. Besides, I have missed almost every Gilmore Girl episode this week because I have slept through nap-time.

Today? I will do better. I will focus on that-which-is-good. I will write it down.

Today? I will shift my focus. I will.

P.S. As if the powers-that-be-in-the-universe knew that I needed to shift my focus, this is a blog post that I was meant to read today. I suggest you read it too. Today? I will be awesome!!
Blog - Life With Greyson & Parker - "Being Awesome"  http://www.lifewithgreyson.blogspot.ca/2013/06/being-awesome.html