Offer. Connect. Go. Do. Ask. Talk.

I'm stuck. I've been stuck for a while but I've disguised it with excuses. New home, new jobs, new everything. Thus, I have little energy for anything beyond forcing myself out the door to go to work. 

I have disconnected. Connections, connecting and re-connecting were CPR for my soul during the phase(s) of my life when I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and grew to be more of who I could be. 

I have been muddling through just fine. Until this upcoming weekend. My hometown Homecoming weekend. 

It was a Homecoming in 2006 that rerouted my life. Every forward step I've made since can be traced back to that reunion when Mom gathered up a few cousins and a childhood friend at a table. We re-connected like no time had elapsed. It was the last time Mom had to do my talking. I've been a bit of a chatterbox ever since.

So this morning, after much trepidation, I did it. I invited my extended family to gather at my home after the Homecoming. One invitation, no questions, simply a resounding "Yes".

I felt like a bit of a wreck as I wrote my morning pages. I tried to wake up the dormant side of myself. I have disconnected myself from a life I had been enjoying. I had a feeling it may be as simple as making an offer to open my home and yard as a place to gather. And it was. 

Offer - ✔

Connect/Go - I will go to the Homecoming (alone)

Do - Oh, I now have much to get done before this gathering unfolds

Ask/Talk - I must ask how my much anticipated holidays will be affected by our staff shortage at work

I have a ways to go. But I've offered. I believe that momentum will take me where I need to go.

I didn't have Mom's assistance this time. I did it on my own. But I think I feel her silently cheering me on from afar...

Fourteen years ago, I wrote this. Nineteen years ago, Mom got me where I needed to be to feel that hometown connection again. Thanks, Mom.

friday, July 1, 2011

Home Town Connections

This weekend is something that I have been quietly anticipating for the past five years. Since the last time I was 'home' ...

Five years ago, I returned to our home town for a Homecoming Reunion. I drove into town, expecting nothing more than to hang out with my own family and maybe see a few relatives. Little did I know at the time ... that weekend would change the course of my life.

I felt so comfortable ... so at home, that I returned for the second day. I reconnected with a friend ... and I ended up going on an Alaskan cruise with her (almost) five years later. The past started to meet up with my future that weekend.

That weekend started to bring my life into focus. It was the beginning of something that needed to be nurtured within me. The nine year old child in me (I was nine years old when our family moved to Alberta) finally came 'home' again.

Since that time, I have rerouted my life. I have nurtured, watered and tended to my 'roots'. My past, my heritage and my family are now a great part of my life.

This weekend ... I get to go 'home'. Again.

When People Know Your Name

It's like going to "Cheers", the bar where everyone knows your name. Well, not quite. It's not a bar - it's work. It's not everyone - it's a few. But still, it feels warm and comfortable. A little of the feeling of coming home again.

The conversation started simple, "Where are you from?" Instead of going into the details of moving from the farm to the big city and moving a few more times to get here, I simply responded, "Well? My story began close to [hometown]". That hometown is a 15 minute drive from here so that is a good enough response.

I didn't realize I was talking to someone who was on my old school bus route. "What's your name?" I gave them my surname. "Which one?" Dad had six brothers so the surname provided enough, but not all of the information. I told them Dad's name, they looked at me and said, "You must be Colleen".

 Wow. Blow me over with a feather. 

I'm one of the youngest in our family of four. We moved from the farm to a new province when I was nine years old. My older siblings grew up, went to school, married local and remain connected with the community. People know who they are. I'm one of the forgotten ones. Not yesterday.

That feeling of "coming home again" is renewed on a pretty regular basis here. Coming home again has never felt so good.

Going Home Again

I did it! I have finalized and tweaked my upcoming three-day-vacation plans. I have contacted those I hope to see and set up some tentative times to meet. And I've given myself the gift of one extra night.

During the last of my visits with Mom, I offered to leave Monday morning and she readily agreed to having someone in the house one more night. That bonus day became exactly that. One more day. One more night. One more visit. 

I would leave nice and early Monday morning and be home in time to make it to my bonus job. Every weekend felt like a long weekend when I tacked on that extra night.

As I mapped out my plans for my visit back in Mom's old neighborhood, I hoped I would be able to arrange visits with those I've missed seeing (so much!) since the pandemic changed our world. It has always been my intention to keep going back to visit family and friends after Mom died. The year 2020 changed all of that.

I have maintained relationships with those-at-a-distance since I moved away from my old neighborhood 35 years ago. I became a loyal customer to Canada Post, weekly letters to Mom, occasional letters to friends, birthdays, Christmas, thank you and thinking of you cards and notes were second nature to me. Long distance phone calls were a luxury back in those days, before discounted long distance calling and long distance phone deals were invented. That didn't deter me. I could write to anyone at any time of the day or night and know my letter in the mail would not be an interruption in their day. It would sit quietly on its own and would be opened in due time. I wasn't an inconvenience to anyone. I loved those days.

Then came email. Instant receipt of my long winded letters in emails. Once again, I was quietly assured that my email would only be read when the recipient had time. Emails don't require an instant response though the turnaround time to send and receive an email certainly trumped the postal system. 

I could send out a number of emails at one time. "Send and forget" was my motto. I was very brave issuing invitations because I could invite a number of people at one time and there was no score keeping. I didn't take a non-response as an insult. I cast a wide net and those who were inclined, were free to join in. No expectation. No disappointment. I lived my glory days via email. It was a good time.

Then ... came cell phones. I didn't have the ability to send or receive texts on my first phone. Nor did I want that feature. Cell phones are for emergencies or when you aren't near a landline. I didn't want people to have my cell number because I considered my phone a call-out-only convenience. If I wasn't home, I didn't want to be talking on the phone.

Well ... all of that has changed. When I finally updated my old cell phone, my new one came with a cell phone package that included texting. This was back in 2010. I was still new to texting and though it was a novelty and kind of fun to send and receive instant messages, I wasn't entirely sold on the idea as a way of life.

I don't know how it happened. But it has. The convenience of texting and receiving instant gratification more often than not, I ended up being "one of those people" who utilized their cell phone as a regular means of communication. Whether I was home or not. 

The expectation of receiving an immediate response has changed me. Much to my chagrin, I have started keeping score. I love that I have friends and family who are known for only reading and responding to messages when it is a good time for them. No slight intended. They have kept me grounded and saved me from myself. As much as I fall back into the "I wonder why I haven't heard back...", I can talk myself down. Perhaps my message wasn't received. No time to respond. Maybe they simply forgot to reply or hit the "Send" button after thinking they had responded (I've done this on more occasions than I can remember).

Long story short, I have talked myself into believing I may not even have friends in my old neighborhood who are all that interested in visiting with me when I'm out. Just how much of a friend have I been lately? I don't call. I don't write. I don't reach out. Would I want to be my friend? Maybe my wish for isolation was granted [be careful what you wish for].

I sat still with those thoughts until they had time to marinade a little. It was a good reminder for me to be more of the friend I want to be. So I started reaching out to those who I hoped to see. And they responded. They like me! They still like me!! Even after I took COVID restrictions to the max and isolated myself ever so much longer than necessary.

 I can go home again!! And I will ensure I do my best to keep that door open.

Family Ties

It is really quite amazing what a little dose of companionship can provide. Yesterday was seasoned with a little dose of family on a day I was feeling a little off.  

There was really nothing terribly wrong but when my son drove up and showed up on the doorstep I think my heart did a little happy dance.

I had an excessive amount of word-build-up accumulating within and putting a voice to what I was feeling was the release valve I needed. I hope the feeling was reciprocated ...

Then I heard from a few of my cousins.

Family. A family I would have never got to know if I had not lived life exactly the way I lived it. 

Accumulating family memories connected me with my extended family in a way I could have never imagined. I have come to know some of my uncles and aunts in an up close and personal way. Every connection is a gift. Re-unioning and reconnecting has left the door ajar for little impromptu check-ins. 

So many little things have led me to exactly where I am. I fully believe with all my heart I am exactly where I am meant to be. Right in the heart of family, my roots and "home" in every sense of the word.

Social Media Timeout

One week ago, I watched The Social Dilemma on Netflix. I hit my saturation point at the 76 minute mark of the 94 minute documentary. It was too much information and hit far too close to home.

I recognized myself and the mindless hours I fritter away on Facebook. Checking in on the activity of "friends", stopping to watch videos of cats, wildlife, heroic rescues, home organizing tips and the list not only goes on and on, it seems to be growing by the day. 

What I have been watching seems to show up more frequently. What I didn't realize is that different news appears on different people's feeds, depending upon what they "like", comment on, click on or even stop and watch without clicking on anything.

The adage that is quoted at the beginning of The Social Dilemma is that if you are not paying for the product, you ARE the product. If we are getting something for free, beware. What we watch is adapted to what we spend our time viewing. "News" we read is slanted towards our bias. It wasn't a surprise that the ads I see are based on what I am searching on my computer but a lot of the other information was bothersome.

There is an addictive quality to social media. Again, I recognized my own curiosity on who may like or comment on something I may post or comment on. I knew I was scrolling social websites out of habit but I really didn't care. Until I watched this documentary.

I have checked Facebook once this past week. I felt empty and used as I scrolled through the page reading the updates since I last checked in. I have had no desire to check in again. Yet.

I was aware of the drawbacks of social media but I countered the fact with the number of old friends I was able to re-connect with, thanks to Facebook. There was definitely a dopamine surge each and every time I connected with and started corresponding with a friend from long ago. The connections I made were definitely a huge draw but the hours I have spent mindlessly scrolling are completely lost to me. 

I often wonder how I used to accomplish more, feel more creative and inspired. Inviting the internet into our home has gradually eaten up more and more and more of my time. Social media has just been the icing on the cake.

Pre-COVID, I instilled "Technology Free Sundays" into my life. It felt good not to be beholden to an internet or cell phone connection. I was starting to feel liberated. Then came COVID. I lost my desire to disconnect because I craved connection at any cost.

Here it is, Sunday morning. Here I am, spending more time on the computer. 

There went another morning down the rabbit hole of internet searches ... I am aware but I do not seem to be learning. There should be a 10 step program for this. 

"Hello. My name is Colleen. And I am an internet-aholic."

You Do Get What You Need

Two down, two to go. The day I stop counting down days until the weekend will be the day I know I have arrived to the elusive destination which feels far beyond my reach.

I realize when one dream is realized it often means the end of the line for another piece of life which has sustained a person until the next plateau.

To reach the point where weekends are not my life line and do not define me, will I be searching for purpose? Companionship? Financial security? What sacrifices will be made to get from "here" to "there"?

What will I lose along the way? What can I do to create the next place I am headed?

My answers lie in gratitude and connection.

I will appreciate what I have while I have it. Life as I know it is not ideal but it is manageable. I believe I must fill myself up with generous doses of sleep, solitude, fulfillment, family, friends and activity to offset the challenging aspects of my days. Balance is key. I cannot exist on work or leisure alone. It is simply that at this stage of living, I do not want my work to define me.

When I am dead and gone, I don't want people to say "She sure was a good worker". I hope instead, they will say some version of "She lived a good life" ... "She was a good friend" ... "She did her best and her best was enough" ... "I am grateful our paths crossed" ...

I am grateful for what I have. I know things could change in a New York minute. I look around me, listen to the people I know and I know I am living a charmed life.

Getting up is hard. But I CAN get up. I jump out of bed and head towards a day which is predictable, safe and provides me with exactly what I need. As I believe my sister was quoted as saying, "You don't always get what you want ... but you do get what you need."

Sunday Serenity

I have disconnected myself from electronics every Sunday for several Sundays now. How can I describe this in three words or less? It feels incredible!

I allow myself one caveat. I do leave my cell phone on the kitchen counter so I can still hear when an incoming message arrives. Some of the best things happen by allowing myself to be open to a spur of the moment invitation or phone call. But everything else is off. No computer, no TV, no surfing the Internet, no Netflix.

The hum of technology is draining me. Always feeling "on" is exhausting. I am losing my sense of self by numbing myself in Netflix marathons and falling into the rabbit holes of "discovery" on the Internet.

The moment I turn off all my connections, I am immediately drawn to "Mom's Room".

The moment I am in that room, I want to read. I settle onto Mom's love seat, get comfortable and I can't wait to lose myself in a book. Every time I stumble into an unfamiliar word, I grab Mom's dictionary from the side pocket of the end table beside me, breathe in the essence of Mom and carry on.

Sundays are not long enough. I can't get enough of what Sunday has to offer. I long for another "Sunday" the moment my existing Sunday is spent.

Sunday is a day defined by doing all things that bring quiet, serenity and joy into my soul. I see why Oprah has "Super Soul Sundays" - Sunday is a very good day to tend to your inner sense of joy.

May you make room for a day of disconnection and soul searching. I highly recommend it!

Day of Gratitude

This is a most perfect day to sit back and be grateful. I am home after a most excellent period of focusing on family, friends, gatherings and outings. I am home.

Family. Ours is a special and unique blending of personalities who support, encourage, care, share and laugh together. 

I have just returned home from my uncle's 90th birthday and spent the weekend with Dad's brothers, their wives and a few cousins. I am so very grateful I was there. Memories were made, laughter is still ringing in my ears and it was simply a gift to be present and accounted for, to celebrate and acknowledge a most incredibly special man.

My siblings and I have recently had a "Sibling Weekend" together. I don't take this sibling relationship for granted and I am grateful we nurture it by continuing to make time to get together. The easy camaraderie we share is a gift. As we parted ways to return back to our lives in progress, we tossed ideas into the air about "next time" ...

My own little family has been busy leading their own lives, doing their own thing and making their way. We haven't gathered as a family unit for a few months but a tentative un-birthday party to acknowledge all the birthdays that passed by without acknowledgement is in the works. We are still in the process of creating our own piece of family history together but we are off to a good start. I am grateful.

Friends. My uncle's 90th birthday party has me reflecting on the value of good friends. I was at the door as his guests arrived and heard a brief synopsis of how he met and how long he has known some of his friends. Alumni from his university days; people he had worked with; students he befriended; his "Little Brother"; friends through his volunteer work; friends he met through his partner. The common denominator was that all of these friends had a history. It was not uncommon to hear "I've known Harold for 40 [or more] years" or some variation of that throughout the gathering. He is 90 years old and 38 of his close friends gathered to acknowledge the day and there are those who couldn't attend but will come another time. Amazing.

I am blessed with an arsenal of good friends. Lasting relationships take time and investment. Although I don't see my friends on a regular basis I know the friendships are real because when we do get together, it is like picking up from where we last left off. My take-away from the weekend past, is to pick up a pen, send an email or even make the odd phone call. Friendship is a two way street and nurturing the friendships one already has is a very good place to begin.

Health. Mobility. Aging gracefully. These are the little things one takes for granted when you wake up and hop out of bed with ease. This is huge. I am grateful for all of the above. As it is with relationships, one must nurture what one already has. Eating better and moving more are two steps I can take to maintain what I already have.

Peace of mind. I have heard so many people's stories that involve a loved one battling with some variety of mental health. It seems to reach out and touch everyone in some way or another. So many words ... so little to say. It is a hard life out there. To wake up in the morning and feel like one can take on the day is a blessing beyond comprehension. I am grateful.

It has been a busy time and the gremlin inside my head keeps nattering negative little thoughts which has created a bit of an inner battle to fully enjoy all the gifts I've been given. I have taken that negativity, thrown it into the light of day and waged a war with it. I do believe I have tamed the negative Nellie within and I truly believe it all begins with gratitude.

I just want to say "Thank you". Thank you thank you thank you for all I have been given. My job here on earth is to appreciate and nurture everything I already have. I can do that. 

I love this day of open gratitude. What are you grateful for today?

"Happy Thanksgiving to all!!"

Hello? Who is This?

Remember the good old days when the sound of a ringing phone brought surprise and anticipation as we didn't know who was going to be on the other end of the telephone line?

These days, phone calls are a rarity. When the phone does ring we have the convenience of knowing who is calling before we answer the call. While this is convenient to avoid telemarketers and the like, is there anyone out there who has not screened their calls with this knowledge?

More often than not, I will receive a text message asking if this is a good time to talk. While I fully understand the need for this modern etiquette due to the fact that many people no longer have a land line in their home ("Why pay for two phones?" is a valid argument), and one never knows where in the world a person may be when they call a cell phone.

It is handy to get a message to prepare for a call. One can grab a cup of coffee and tend to their personal needs when they know a long conversation is up and coming. I actually appreciate the advance warning.

But what of the times when you are expecting a call and it doesn't come. Hmmm. Kind of like the old days, isn't it? Except in the olden days, when one didn't reserve a time slot for an anticipated call, one went on with their life in progress (perhaps not a teen age girl, who had just given her phone number to a cute boy back in the 1970's though).

I remember staring at the phone, wishing it would ring. I remember not wanting to leave the house because I wouldn't know if someone called in my absence. I remember seriously considering leaving a tape recorder running beside the phone so I would know if I missed a call. I wouldn't have known who it was from. I would have simply known the phone had rung. I remember even being excited to talk to a wrong number.

Long gone are those days. I now return home from a day of work and I am absolutely thrilled when I see no one has called in my absence. Or if someone did call and didn't leave a message, I am off the hook. No need to communicate has become the highlight of returning to a day away from home.

I am presently sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. A friend made a notation in her calendar to call me today. This may or may not happen. But in the meantime, I sit here in a state of readiness. I will need to hop in the shower at some point soon but I have the option of bringing the phone with me just in case it rings.

Remember the days when the phone was attached to a wall and your ability to roam was restricted by the length of your phone cord?

I sound so old-womanish as I sit here and reflect on the changing times. It is hard to imagine that these good old days were only a decade or so ago. Life is changing. Too much. Too fast. Our need for connection has disconnected us in the ways that count.

Mom saw the writing on the wall when she was disgusted with people attached to their cell phones when cell phones were new and a novelty item. "What is so important that a phone call can't wait until you are home?" She certainly appreciated the convenience in case of an emergency. But any other time? Can't we just talk when we are at home, preferably attached to a phone cord so the person on the other end of the conversation receives our undivided attention?

My attention is so divided I accomplish very little in this modern world. I have no one to blame but myself but I'd like to shift some of the blame to the expectations due to the technological advancements of our era. We now celebrate "disconnecting". Shouldn't that be the norm?

I miss some parts of the good old days. The anticipation of who was on the other end of a ringing phone brought no end of excitement to my quiet little existence.

Just my thoughts of the morning as I sit here hoping the phone will ring. Over and out...

The Day the Computer Died

I was frittering my morning away watching YouTube videos when suddenly the computer died. It just quit. No warning. No fanfare. No bright red boxes indicating a virus had taken control. It just died.

I unplugged the computer cord from the computer. I googled "My computer died" on my phone. I removed the battery. Twice. I unplugged the cord from the computer and walked away.

Hmmm. I wordlessly wondered, "I wonder if that is the end of my computer as I know it?" Then I picked up a book and carried on.

Whimsically, I thought I would call my computer guy on Monday. There was a fair chance files could be recovered. But what if they couldn't? Life would go on. That is that. And I would feel ever so much lighter without carrying around the excess I have amassed on this little computer of mine.

Hours passed. Life moved on. I thought of the computer again and decided to unplug the computer from the wall while I waited for the Computer Doctor's diagnosis.

Then I saw it. The cord was not completely plugged into the wall. In all my attempts to unplug and plug in the computer, I never once checked the outlet on the wall. I was unplugging it from the computer.

I pushed the plug in firmly to the wall and lights started flashing. I turned on the computer and in an instant everything came back to life.

Life is just that simple some times. We complicate matters by overthinking and underacting. Sometimes it is as simple as checking your power source.

It is good to "unplug" and disconnect. It is hard to do this voluntarily but I must admit I was grateful for the hours of computer silence I enjoyed while my computer was out of service.

The day the computer died was destined to be a reflective and quiet one. Then I plugged it in again and all was lost. Even though I knew better. Sigh ...

No lesson to wind up this post. I knew better but I didn't do better. There is always tomorrow.

The Traces We Leave Behind

There is little one can do without leaving traces of where you have been these days ...

Our updated home monitoring system notifies me when the system is armed/unarmed and also when doors are open; left open; and closed. I have proof of the minute I walk out of the house to when I re-enter.

Add to that, the ability to see exactly when and for how long I may have talked with someone on my cell phone; time stamps on store receipts and text messages and I can account for my actions for pretty much the grand total of yesterday.

I left the house at 8:07 a.m.; arrived to donate blood at 8:26 (I happened to remember the exact time because I was one minute late for my 8:25 appointment); my actual "bleed time" was 11 minutes; add two minutes wait time to that and I have accounted for most of my time there; I stopped at Staples and paid for my purchase at 9:22 a.m.; determined I had enough time to stop in at Winners and see if I could find anything. Thankfully I received a text message at 9:25 a.m. so I immediately finalized my shopping experience and paid for that at 9:26 a.m.; then called the person who texted me at 9:29 a.m.; talked for 21 minutes and 19 seconds; then arrived at my son's farm at exactly 10:31 (still running a minute late, as I was invited to arrive at 10:30 a.m.). I came straight home from my son's and (finally) arrived back home at 3:26 p.m.

I spoke to my younger son for a while then at 6:46 activated the hallway motion detector as I got ready to leave the house to meet a few friends for coffee at 7:15 p.m. I received a text from my friend warning me to bring my sweater because it could be cold in the coffee shop as I was driving up at 7:10 p.m.; and I didn't get back home until 10:28 p.m.; at which time I immediately set the alarm for the night and didn't rearm it until 7:02 this morning.

I could go on and on (and on) but you get the picture. Every where you are, you leave a trace of yourself behind. Evidence of where you have been, what you have done there and security cameras see more than I care to think about.

The traces we leave behind as we walk through our day is scary. If a person truly wanted to fall off the grid, it would take a lot of planning.

On the flip side, if I ever go missing it is a small comfort to know my whereabouts could be narrowed down so easily. I can't wait to fall off the grid when I stay at my son's farm. These connections are making my head spin.

A Most Excellent Day!

After a few anxiety ridden moments this morning, a most excellent day unfolded before me like a perfectly choreographed dance routine.

Everything happened easily. One thing segued easily into the next. I had time to vacuum the house before I left the house this morning and discovered a leaking kitchen faucet in time to call in for help before the weekend officially began.

Visiting was fun, easy, laughter-filled and life affirming.

An unexpected bonus was the addition of one sister and brother-in-law. A last minute invitation worked out like it was meant to be. A sibling + a few uncles and an aunt + a few cousins + an in-law to add some new blood into the dynamic equalled "perfection".

Our departure for home was right on schedule and I arrived right on time to meet up with a friend from my long, forgotten past and two hours (and one very large coffee) passed in no time.

I have no idea how it happens but I have been fortunate to reconnect with people I have known from a few lifetimes ago (she said we haven't seen each other since elementary school) and we pick up from where we last left off (even though neither one of us have a firm idea where exactly that was). This has happened on numerous occasions and I am surprised each and every time.

I live a charmed life. I truly do. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! to whoever may be listening, sensing or be responsible for my good fortune.

One day down, three to go. Every day can't go as perfectly as this one but one is enough to carry me through whatever happens next.

Dreaming of a Life of Ease

What would I do if I had all the time in the world? These are the thoughts I ponder as I have recently started to dream of what "retirement" may mean in the up and coming years.

My very first thought is that I would like to tame a wild rabbit or two. Not to trap it in a cage and keep it for myself, but for this little creature to come to know I would do it no harm and supply it with some rabbit snacks and perhaps some hay ...

My second thought is that I would register for some university courses. Tuition fees are waived for those who are the age of 65 years or better. The idea of learning for the sake of learning and not having to seek out and find employment afterwards sounds like my idea of heaven.

I would set out and discover places within our fair city to simply sit back and watch nature unfold before my eyes. I have just spent the past fifteen minutes or so watching four robins in our neighbor's front lawn. To my inexperienced eyes, it looked like there were three males and one female. I would love to learn all I could learn about the wild life that I found along the way.

I would explore our province. Day trips to destinations unknown would be my entertainment. Find a friend, pack a light snack and coffee-to-go and follow wherever the road took us. We would find our own adventure, stop for supper on our way home and come home feeling as though we had just been on vacation.

I would set small goals. Clean out one drawer a day. One box of letters. One box of photos. One cupboard. One small step at a time, great things would happen over a long period of time.

I would read. I would immerse myself in a book so good that I would become lost within the pages. My best reading days felt like I took a vacation without having to leave the house. I have lost my love for reading over the course of time. I want to rekindle that fire.

I would turn off all electronics, televisions and phones for a set time frame every day to listen to the quiet. I would listen for "the knowing" and find my way to the next moment. I would be still. Every day.

I would search for ways to keep connected to the people within my world. I would stockpile stamps, envelopes and blank writing spaces so I could send words out into the world on a regular, yet sporadic basis.

I would take notes along the way so I could write about the small stuff each and every day.

I have reread my wish list and realize I have everything I need to start this life of leisure right now. Today. There is little holding me back.

Except work. Speaking of which, I must ready myself for a day away from home. It is no wonder this life of ease feels so elusive.

Good Morning

These were the very first words I read this morning: "I just wanted to let you know how thankful I am for your friendship..."

Let me backtrack before I go forward with this thought.

I haven't been jumping out of bed these bright and early mornings. No good excuse. I believe I'm just being lazy with my gratitude.

I grabbed a notebook and wrote down my worries-of-the-moment and the inevitable outcomes of  what runs through my thoughts on a constant loop. No outcome is good except to keep following the course I'm on.

I'm grateful for everything that is weighing me down. I simply feel heavy under its weight. Thus? Mornings feel hard.

Fast forward to this morning.

I awoke to two bright and early text messages. Signs from the universe [okay, okay, it was just a cell phone connection] that someone in the world happened to be thinking of me as they stepped into their day.

It is such a small thing. "I'm thinking of you" kinds of messages are such an easy thing to do. One never quite knows what is happening on the other end of the greetings we send out to the world.

If you are thinking of someone, let them know. You never know what is weighing them down. Other times, you may know what another is facing and feel like nothing you can say or do is enough. You could reach out and stone cold silence may be the response you receive, but the moment I wrote those words, I think of the words I have heard on more than one occasion. "Thank you for not giving up on me" ... "Thank you for writing" ... "I found your message exactly when I needed to read it" ...

I write this and know I'm not following my own advice. Perhaps this is what is weighing me down the most. I know it is truly the smallest of things that make the biggest differences. Am I doing my fair share within this world of mine?

I'm doing what I can. We all are. We never quite know what our day will bring. This can be a good thing or not.

When the weight of the world feels as though it is sitting on my shoulders, I know I must look up and out of the moment I'm in. I need to look up. I need to find the blessings within any given situation. I'm my own worst enemy when my thoughts turn negative. I know this. What I do with this insight is up to me.

Sometimes we need to sit in the moment. Listen to the silence. Listen to the sound of our own heart. Literally. Figuratively. Be still. Be still and know...

The trouble is, I don't get much done in my stillness. Cat hair is amassing as I sit. Maybe I need to revise that advise. Get busy. Get busy and figure it out!

Good morning to you! May you get the encouraging sign you most need to find. Look for the signs. Sometimes they are hidden. But usually, if you look hard enough you can find what you need to see.

Revelling in the Moment

Life has been very generous with moments which have sparked joy, connection and resulted in an extra long weekend where I am simply waking up with a grateful heart.

My good fortune started a few mornings ago, when I thought I heard the hum of a familiar motor close by but talked myself out of believing it was true. Imagine my delight when I spotted my middle son on our back step, with tools in tow to fix the separated laminate flooring in the hallway.

He had a 10:00 meeting and I had some leeway as to when I should leave for work so we took some time to share a cup of coffee after the flooring issue was rectified (YAY!!!). It was a power visit but not too short to be meaningful.

I started my day with a spring in my step and the day unfolded easily.

Late that afternoon, I received a message from my sister. She was asking if she could utilize one of the spare beds in our home as she had a middle-of-the-night airport drop off and didn't want to drive home alone at that "ungodly hour". My immediate response? Sure!!

My sister arrived at 4:10 a.m., we had a short visit, then we each headed off to our respective sleeping quarters to grab a few more hours of sleep. This resulted in waking up to a completely unexpected and perfectly timed early morning visit. It was such an unexpected gift.

My youngest son and I ended up with a mutually obligation-free day. An easy conversation at home led to a drive, which led to sitting in a quiet, sun filled restaurant. The conversation that came as a result of this most perfectly un-choreographed day was deep.

We covered topics that were parallel to what I had discussed with his older brother the previous morning.

Parenting, forks in roads, the fear of worst case scenarios and eventual outcomes were discussed. I sat in the parenting seat and reflected from my vantage point, while my sons spoke about their side of the same story.

I am so grateful to be looking at these particular moments in my rear view mirror. I remember the feeling well. I was fearful of the impact of handling a situation wrong, missing clues as to what was really going on with my children and the long term effect of life as we were living it.

I see where we are today and I am grateful we have come through the other side of situations which could have played out so very differently.

I think of my own life where I strayed off the path and wandered into unfamiliar territory. I truly believe it was my own personal homing device that guided me back to create the familiar feeling of "family, home and safety" that kept me from straying further. Recreating the home I grew up in was my guiding light and the best way I could try to parent my children.

As luck would have it, I will be available to my oldest son as he has day surgery a few days from now. The opportunity to have one-on-one time with each one of my boys has presented itself to me in the most unexpected fashion. I have no idea how conversations will unfold with my oldest but I am grateful for the occasion to simply show up and be there.

I am revelling in the moment right now. I've issued a few invitations but have few expectations. The door is open to whoever shows up. It is my hope to create the opportunity for "more of the same" but memorable moments can't be planned. They just happen.

"Don't force anything. Let's just go with the flow. If it isn't an easy yes, it's a 'no'. No expectations." These are the conditions I hand out with my invitations. If everyone follows these simple rules, great things may (or may not) happen.

Sparking Joy

My head is all over the map this First Friday in this Fresh New Month.

I brought work home with me so I can put in the first few hours of work at home this morning which feels empowering. I have set a start time in my head which I must adhere to in order to make this work. If it works today, perhaps I can make it work another day in the future.

Blurring the line between "work" and "home" is defined by working within my designated work time and mental space. I CAN bring work home and accomplish it if it doesn't interfere with my designated "me time".

Combining work and home feels empowering. Feeling empowered sparks joy.

My Youngest Son is headed home today. He has been gone exactly one week (almost to the hour, as I write this). He has had a most excellent time at the workshop he has attended and I can't wait to hear all about it.

Unfortunately, I will still be at work when he arrives. He has invited friends over tonight so by the time I get home, he will be busy. I will hear the watered down version of his week tomorrow. But just recalling how I can reignite the joy I felt during various recent vacations, I still feel like I will hear the best version as he relives the highlight reel.

My Youngest has lived a very sheltered life. At the ripe old age of 20 years old, he hasn't experienced "life" outside the confines of our bubble wrapped little world here at home very much. I am so glad he got away and experienced how it feels to live a week away from the definition of who he is at home.

I remember how I felt when I stepped away from Mom's ideals and started thinking for myself. By myself. It is a giddy feeling. To think your own thoughts, live your own life, define who you are outside the confines of "home".

My last little bird is taking his first steps outside of our nest. His wings seem to be worthy of taking flight. He sounds happy. He sounds joyful. This sparks "joy" within me.

I sat on my glasses several days ago and bent them in a manner which made me feel rather woozy when I tried wearing them the next day. Long story short, I need new glasses. The kind person who very carefully straightened my present day glasses so I could wear them without feeling nauseous, was the same person who helped me choose my next pair of specs.

It was a small thing but it was huge. A conversation which began by admitting "I hate mirrors" ended up in a merging of kindred thoughts, sparked a conversation about my dancing days (and all the mirrors) and as I walked away from that encounter and into my day, her parting words were of the essence "I'm so glad I got to start off my day with this conversation" (those were not her words at all but it was definitely the essence of what she said).

I drove off to work with thoughts of this conversation and my dancing days wafting through my thoughts. As I parked the car, the theme song of the dance competition I participated in started playing through the radio waves. "Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night" brought me right back to that joy filled time of dance and where it took me.

As this weekend nears (and yes!, I DEFINITELY believe 3 Day Work Weeks are my retirement goal), I am feeling light, energized and eager to start the Marie Kondo process of the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.

I have been feeling heavy and overwhelmed for the last long while. It is time to lighten things up and keep only that which sparks joy.

What sparks joy for you? The moment you feel the joyful sensation, I highly recommend stopping in that moment and simply saying "thank you". The more you recognize those moments of joy and acknowledge them, the more you will realize that even within the darkest of days, there are still moments where joy resides (for me yesterday morning, it was when I dropped a container of lotion and it landed right-side-up so there was NO clean up required, with the added bonus of not wasting any lotion!).

It is the little stuff that matters. Little things added up, can take us down to places we do not want to be. Little things added up, can also bring us up to where we need to be. One moment at a time.

Focus on joy. Where do you find it? What do you need to "define" to allow yourself what you need to get through the day?

Small stuff. Look for joy in the mundane. Say thank you. It all adds up ...

The Day After

I am one day into the work week. It has been one day since I turned on the computer and my cell phone. One day. And it has all but erased the tranquillity of my "disconnected" weekend.

After I turned my devices back on and got caught up after my two day hiatus, I tried to walk away from these energy, attention grabbing pieces of technology. I didn't succeed.

I muted my cell phone, closed my email program and the only window left open on the computer was my budget. It wasn't enough. 

The magnetic pull of the computer kept drawing me in once the power button was on. I felt compelled to check my cell phone for missed calls or text messages that could be waiting. It was Monday after all. I needed to be available to those who employ me.

Except I wasn't.

Since I was home and my cell phone ringer was on mute, I missed a call that I should have taken. I answered the call that came on my land line but I missed the second call that came through on my cell. I didn't find it until hours after the fact. It was too late to return the call so I left it until morning. I shouldn't feel as badly as I do about this because I could have been reached at home. The old fashioned way. By phone. 

When asked how my weekend was I honestly replied, "It was WONDERFUL!!! I am definitely going to do this again!" The reply, "I hope not too soon..."

One statement deflated me. I truly believe it was not meant to impact me the way it did. It came from a place of desperation. But I maintain my position. I was home. Phone calls were welcome. I just turned off my cell phone and computer. I was not sitting on a mountaintop, away from civilization. I was home. All you had to do was call ...

Then again, is there another reason why this is bothering me so?

The feeling, the conversation, the unspoken words and the suppressed anger I felt by not being able to be reached on my cell phone reminded me of a conversation with Mom.

Mom detested cell phones with every fibre of her being. Except when she was the one who was trying to call. Of course she would try all other means first and the mere act of dialing a cell phone number was a last resort. So she would expect an answer. "Isn't that what a cell phone is for?" To be used in case of emergency?!

If Mom was calling me on my cell phone, I knew she needed an answer. I heard the same quiet desperation in the voice at the other end of the phone yesterday.  

Instead of climbing on my high horse and defending myself with the truth (I was home ... why didn't you call my home number?), I need to listen, reassure and affirm that I am almost always available to take a call. 

We are living in a world where we can be reached at almost any time, any place. This is a good thing in many ways but it is suffocating at times.

I suppose this is why some people are drawn to the mountains. If you can't reach me at home or on my cell, I may be sitting atop a mountain somewhere. Not any time soon though. I am needed here at home. I could hear it in her voice...

Disconnected Thoughts

As I lived the past weekend without my cell phone, computer and ever present WiFi connection, I had so much more energy without the pull of all of the above.

I wasn't disconnected from the world. I was simply unplugged from all gadgets that leave me wide open to send, receive and wait for incoming messages. The only connections I left open were the phone line, the television and the freedom to drive or walk wherever I wanted to go. I didn't have to go far. Everything I needed was already here.

Conversations were better, energy levels were higher and I was simply more "present". Due to my inability to dig into the archives of old texts, emails and blog posts I was forced to stay in the moment much more than I have become accustomed.

Yes, my thoughts drifted to the past but they didn't remain there. I took my pen and pad outside with me and let my fingers write whatever came to mind. Fragments of thoughts, house maintenance that needs to be tended and a five year renovation plan came to mind.

Without the ability to draw myself into thoughts and conversations that should be left to memory alone, I naturally ended up drawn into the present and looking ahead. Looking up from my technological devices was required to direct my attention forward.

I couldn't believe how many times I was drawn to check something on the computer. The weather, movie listings. my budget spreadsheet, my Air Miles balance (did I get the 100 bonus points I was expecting??)...

What were the first things I checked when I signed back on this morning? Emails and text messages. Anything important had already been followed up with a phone call. Everything else required no immediate reply.

Next, I opened my budget spreadsheet. I had the weekend's expenses (very few, may I add) to add to my monthly spending tab. Secondly, I wondered how long ago I had paid for the car wash I finally utilized yesterday. Finally, I confirmed the answer to my question, "How in the world did I afford to pay the bills last year?" I found the answer rather interesting.

In October of the year when Mom's health began to take a notable turn, I withdrew a lump sum from my pension. These funds were to act as my safety net while I dealt with the aftermath of closing my daycare and headed into an unknown future. Less than one month later, Mom ended up in the hospital which preempted all else. My daycare closed earlier than anticipated and months after that, Mom's health turned one more time.

Mom didn't really ever completely bounce back after that point. She rallied, she fought back and didn't show weakness. But something changed. I simply knew I wanted to be available to run out at any time and stay as long as I felt I needed/wanted to be there. And I did.

That decision is one I'll never regret. The repercussions were unimportant. Increased car maintenance, gas consumption was offset by a decline in wages. Unexpected expenses continued to arise and I just kept doing what it took to pay the bills.

After all was said and done, the amount of my pension withdrawal covered all of my budget shortfalls except for $1,200.00. After Mom's death, I promised my siblings I would keep track of my costs going forward and recoup them from her estate. Grand total? $1,040.00. So in reality, my shortfall was a mere $160.00.

One year before Mom died, I had withdrawn almost exactly what I would need to cover my shortage of income during her final year.

I have said it before and I'll say it again. Whenever I respect my financial limitations, extra curricular costs seem to be offset by an equal or similar dollar value of something I was not expecting. It happens all the time.

This past weekend, the cost of the hotel room for the night I did not pay for was only $13.00 less than the amount of my healthy eating grocery bill. Then, two unexpected cheques totalling $8.67 less than the cost of the hotel's cancellation fee I had to pay, in order to stay home.

There I go again. Trying to "balance to zero". Justifying staying home in the name of my budget was not even a consideration when I backed out of my plans last weekend. But when being home was exactly where I needed to be was rewarded with little financial windfalls along the way, I simply feel like I won the lottery.

Life is what we make it. I can find a way to justify almost any incident that comes my way. There is always a "plus" to offset any "minus". I just happen to be able to account for my choices in dollars and cents. This makes perfect sense to me.

I have spent the first four hours of today attached to this computer. I have one more blog post in me and then I need to walk away.

Two days of disconnection have resulted in an excess of words within me. Though I discovered that my brain to pen connection works very well when it comes to solving my daily word/Sudoku puzzles, my writing connection is wired to the ability to type my words onto a keyboard. The pen alone, cannot keep up with my brain.

Next time I disconnect, I may fire up my old Netbook for writing purposes only. Because there WILL be a next time. This I know for sure!

Bliss ... Pure Bliss

It was the best holiday I never took. I stayed home, turned off my cell phone, the computer and simply "existed" this past weekend. It is a vacation I plan to take more often.

The WiFi connection cannot be heard but it is a presence unto itself. There is a subconscious awareness that pulls and draws me to check on all things on-line.

I could not believe the freedom I felt by not being beholden to these gadgets that had the potential to have a message waiting for me.

I am a girl who has sat by a phone waiting for it to ring. I am a girl who one time felt so lonely, that I wanted to chat a little longer to the person who called the wrong number. I am a girl who wanted to sit a tape recorder beside the telephone when I had to leave the house, to see if anyone called. I am a girl who was destined to become addicted to call display, emailing, texting and all things related to "connection" via an invisible, portable and wireless source.

I severed the connection this past weekend and it was absolutely marvelous.

I spent hours outside, watching our cats, listening to the birds, picking a few weeds, visiting with my children, soaking up the sun, walking a little, listening a lot and simply absorbing the world around me.

I cooked a little and I ate meals instead of incessantly grazing. I filled our fridge and prepared it for the upcoming week. A week where I never want to cook, a week where I simply want to grab what is close and run off to work with it, a week where my son and I are never home for a meal at the same time, a week that is driven by the need to be somewhere over most of the meal times.

Instead of paying for a hotel room, I bought groceries. Good, meal worthy kinds of food which filled the fridge to capacity. If you buy it, they will come. And they did.

My children know the way to my heart is through anything I don't have to cook myself. My son and his girlfriend arrived with coffee in hand yesterday morning. They had plans for the day and suggested we go out for supper later. I surprised them with my offer, "Why don't we just eat here instead?" And we did.

After they left, I puttered, I walked, then I came home and hung out in the back yard with our cats until my Youngest Son came home from work.

I listened to the echoes of the past. It was so quiet, I could hear past conversations, remember the lively days of my daycare, reflect on gatherings that have taken place and so very many one on one visits that have been had.

Memories, voices, pictures in my mind and the overwhelming feeling of contentment and cheer washed over, through and around me. I was enveloped in a peacefulness I cannot recall feeling for a very, very long time.

The leaves on the trees caught the breeze and trembled ever so gently. Every now and again, I would feel the brush of the wind touch me but Mom's wind chimes were silent. I watched them, willing them to sing out to me. They didn't have to beckon for me to come outside. I was already there. So they remained silent.

As I watched the birds play within the branches of the massive tree in our neighbor's yard, I thought of the time I spent in Mom's sun room last year watching the birds who used Mom's yard as their playground.

When I sit still and simply absorb the world around me and let thoughts waft in and out and through my mind, I often end up thinking of Mom. I watched her in her stillness a lot. She looked so very peaceful.

When the wind chimes stayed silent, I thought of Mom. I thought of Dad too. I felt their presence within me.

"This is where you need to be right now" is what I heard when I listened to the quiet. So that is where I stayed.

It was bliss. Pure bliss.

A Wireless Weekend

It was the right choice for me. Cancelling plans when you should be counting down the days until a much anticipated date is the right way to go.

I have not quite overcome the "dentist appointment" mentality when it comes to upcoming commitments written on the calendar. Even though it no longer takes a mammoth amount of strength to suggest and plan an extra-curricular activity, as the day looms I cannot wait for it to be behind me.

I tried to ignore it, but the feeling was oozing out my pores. If it was just my happiness at stake, I may have risked it. But there were others involved. Others, who WERE anxiously awaiting this upcoming retreat. Others, who I could have infected with this feeling.

So I cancelled. The weight of the world was released off my shoulders when I simply acted on my intuition. It was the right thing for me to do.

What I did instead, was to plan like I was going away and tend to all that needed to be tended before I hit the road bright and early this Friday morning.

The funny noise in my car has been fixed; the oil has been changed; gas tank is full; car is vacuumed and dusted; the lawn is mowed; my hair has been washed and tamed; the house is vacuumed. And the cats are as tended as they would be any day but as I cleaned their litter box this morning I sighed a happy sigh of relief, knowing I would be here tomorrow morning to do the same thing all over again.

You know you aren't living your best life when you look forward to cleaning the cat litter.

On a happier note, I plan to "unplug" myself from all things Internet and cell phone related. I have an "evite" I must respond to, but after I tend to that I plan to turn off my cell phone, computer and simply rely on the old fashioned means of communication.

I just wrote my "to-do" list for the weekend. It started as all lists do - write a list of chores you want to put behind you. It ended on a happier note:

Happy Friday to you! May you find what you to sustain you throughout this upcoming weekend. And if you want to reach me, please know that phone calls and drop by company is welcome. I'm not unplugging from "life". I am simply taking a break from technology. Television is not included. Not this time ...