Equation for Groundedness

What is the equation to finding one's personal sense of status quo? That place where one feels simply "okay" with life as they know it. Not a place of "happy". Simply that sweet spot where one feels grounded enough to go with the natural ebbs and flows of life.

Depression and mental health are often talked about subjects. Open conversation and education has made a vast difference in helping the general population recognize symptoms of heart failure, stroke, cancer and numerous physical ailments and saved an untold amount of lives. Mental health is at the forefront of what I see, read and hear a lot these days. For a person in crisis to know they are not alone and there are resources to help out is very likely saving just as many lives. 

I can only write from my personal experience with what I have deemed a "borderline depressive personality". I dip from highs and lows but live most days in that happy medium of mediocracy - good enough. At different ages and stages of life, my highs were higher and my lows were lower. I have gone from living in the sharp peaks and valleys of the mountains to a hilly existence. 

I appreciate the contrasts I live with. Feeling good feels great after a period of wading through the doldrums. Recently, I was quietly thinking that I missed feeling happy. That temporary euphoric state where one feels bubbly, smiley and good inside. Then I woke up one morning feeling just plain happy. It was a wonderful thing. Within twelve hours of feeling a low-key state of "happy", I felt an equal and opposite flip of moods. It wasn't awful. It was normal. It was as if I was was on the tail end of an adrenaline rush. Poof! Gone. Back to my status quo which felt a little lower than usual due to the variance. 

I talked myself down and through the plateau: "It's okay. This too, shall pass. Going from full on "full" to "back to normal" in a twelve hour period will do this. It is just a temporary adjustment and you will self correct."

What is the formula that has evolved over the course of time? At one time I may have felt like I was free-falling without a net. Experience, recognition of being here before, faith that the moment would pass and differing hormonal levels may all come into play. But essentially, what is MY contentment equation?

#1 - it is "contentment" I seek. Not happiness. Contentment is the level playing field where a temporary state of either happiness OR unhappiness can evolve.

#2 - contentment is actually secondary. Safety, having one's physical and financial needs taken care of, a state of physical health that is not worrisome is first and foremost. 

#3 - a sense of belonging is a fundamental need. Being and feeling like you are a part of community within family, friends, work/school/and any number of other social relationships is vital to the human existence

#4 - routine, a schedule, a need to be accountable. As much as we may long for a commitment-free life, is that what is best for us? I know I thrive on routine, comfortable little ruts that get me through the obligations of a day. As much as I long for a day off of all of the above, I never feel quite as good when I let a day slip through my fingers without doing more than turning on the TV.

#5 - nourishment and sleep. Food, water and sleep are essential to life. Good-for-you-food is best though perhaps one of the hardest things to reach for when I'm on a downward slide. A good night's sleep is elusive to many so I know I'm one of the lucky ones who can do nothing but sleep when life feels hard. Finding and being able to maintain the Goldilocks Zone of just the right amount of sleep is golden.

#6 - a sense of balance between all of my needs. Too much of anything is not a good thing for me no matter if it is too much work, too much free time, too much socializing, not enough socializing. I find there is a state of okay-ness if I have a good, healthy balance of work; leisure; solitude; people; new experiences; savoring the tried and true and the list goes on.

Balancing the demands of life can feel hard. I often wonder where I would be right now if my needs hadn't been secondary to providing for my children. Earning a living, creating and maintaining a home and living with those dependent on me has pushed me to be who I am and where I was meant to be. The need to be needed is a part of the belonging part of the following equation:

Safety/security + Belonging + Routine + Nourishment + Balance (of all of the above) = Feeling Grounded

Feeling Grounded = Contentment (a very good place to be)

Day of Gratitude

This is a most perfect day to sit back and be grateful. I am home after a most excellent period of focusing on family, friends, gatherings and outings. I am home.

Family. Ours is a special and unique blending of personalities who support, encourage, care, share and laugh together. 

I have just returned home from my uncle's 90th birthday and spent the weekend with Dad's brothers, their wives and a few cousins. I am so very grateful I was there. Memories were made, laughter is still ringing in my ears and it was simply a gift to be present and accounted for, to celebrate and acknowledge a most incredibly special man.

My siblings and I have recently had a "Sibling Weekend" together. I don't take this sibling relationship for granted and I am grateful we nurture it by continuing to make time to get together. The easy camaraderie we share is a gift. As we parted ways to return back to our lives in progress, we tossed ideas into the air about "next time" ...

My own little family has been busy leading their own lives, doing their own thing and making their way. We haven't gathered as a family unit for a few months but a tentative un-birthday party to acknowledge all the birthdays that passed by without acknowledgement is in the works. We are still in the process of creating our own piece of family history together but we are off to a good start. I am grateful.

Friends. My uncle's 90th birthday party has me reflecting on the value of good friends. I was at the door as his guests arrived and heard a brief synopsis of how he met and how long he has known some of his friends. Alumni from his university days; people he had worked with; students he befriended; his "Little Brother"; friends through his volunteer work; friends he met through his partner. The common denominator was that all of these friends had a history. It was not uncommon to hear "I've known Harold for 40 [or more] years" or some variation of that throughout the gathering. He is 90 years old and 38 of his close friends gathered to acknowledge the day and there are those who couldn't attend but will come another time. Amazing.

I am blessed with an arsenal of good friends. Lasting relationships take time and investment. Although I don't see my friends on a regular basis I know the friendships are real because when we do get together, it is like picking up from where we last left off. My take-away from the weekend past, is to pick up a pen, send an email or even make the odd phone call. Friendship is a two way street and nurturing the friendships one already has is a very good place to begin.

Health. Mobility. Aging gracefully. These are the little things one takes for granted when you wake up and hop out of bed with ease. This is huge. I am grateful for all of the above. As it is with relationships, one must nurture what one already has. Eating better and moving more are two steps I can take to maintain what I already have.

Peace of mind. I have heard so many people's stories that involve a loved one battling with some variety of mental health. It seems to reach out and touch everyone in some way or another. So many words ... so little to say. It is a hard life out there. To wake up in the morning and feel like one can take on the day is a blessing beyond comprehension. I am grateful.

It has been a busy time and the gremlin inside my head keeps nattering negative little thoughts which has created a bit of an inner battle to fully enjoy all the gifts I've been given. I have taken that negativity, thrown it into the light of day and waged a war with it. I do believe I have tamed the negative Nellie within and I truly believe it all begins with gratitude.

I just want to say "Thank you". Thank you thank you thank you for all I have been given. My job here on earth is to appreciate and nurture everything I already have. I can do that. 

I love this day of open gratitude. What are you grateful for today?

"Happy Thanksgiving to all!!"

Lessons I Learned Through Counselling

Note: As I reread and started editing this piece, I must emphasize that I am writing only out of my own personal experience. In the whole realm of depression, anxiety, mental wellness and coping with life as I know it, I am not qualified to offer any advise to anyone. 

In reality, I am writing this to my "future self" so I know where to turn if I need to remind myself of where I've been, what I've learned and where to guide myself if and when I find myself in a downward spiral of coping abilities.

This is a follow up post to "Too Little, Too Late". A little rant on counselling after what felt like a lost hour speaking to a counsellor.

In reality, I did highlight the lessons I have learned while in counselling. And they are worth noting:

1. Guide your actions based on what you will be able to live with 

I walked through The Year of Mom with that lesson firmly embedded in my thoughts. One never knows what life is going to deal out. If we never saw a person again, would we be able to live with our actions?

By acting with kindness, it is a win-win for all. Simply do your best. When your best isn't enough, take the lessons learned and try again another day.

Words, once spoken, can never be taken back. Just like gluing together a broken piece of China ... something can be mended but it will never be the same again. Saying nothing is sometimes the best thing to say. That is a lesson I may keep learning until my dying day.

Learn, atone for your actions, forgive yourself and remember the lesson! You are an imperfect being. Get over it. Just do your best. Again (and again and again!).

2. Walk away while you can 

There are unfixable relationships and situations in everyone's life. The key is recognizing them. Then once identified, acknowledge what is within your power to fix.

Jobs, relationships, where you live, how you live, even dealing with health issues ... some things can be abandoned. Others, one must adapt to and work around.

When you have done all you know how to do and you are still being brought to your knees from a situation, sometimes the best choice may be to walk away IF and when you can. As Kenny Rogers would say, "You gotta know when to fold 'em".

3. Make notes, write down dates, times, incidents and all the details you may need to have so you can defend yourself

There are times you may not be able to walk away for any variety of reasons. Self preservation is key.

In situations that feel unbearable, I often find myself writing down key points. More often than not, when I get my worries out of my head and onto a piece of paper, the emotional impact is released and my concerns become more manageable. I am in a better place to discuss my side of a story and work towards a resolution.

Sometimes this has worked for me. Sometimes it hasn't. Either way, having the facts laid out helps me decide whether I have a hand worth holding onto or not.

4. See your doctor

If you have tried all you know how to do and are still in a downward spiral and unable to pull yourself up and out of where you are at, see your doctor. Do all you can to ensure there is nothing physical causing your symptoms. Be candid with your doctor. Ask for help and direction.

5. Tell them you need to speak to someone as soon as possible

It is next to impossible to know where you are in the spectrum of feeling "okay" when you are in a slow but steady decline. A doctor can only base their treatment plan based on what they see. Allow yourself to be vulnerable when you ask for help. If you go home and know you can't wait, call back and ask for more immediate assistance.

6. Book a winter holiday

This is not a reasonable solution for many of us but if it is possible, it is worth consideration. Look for ways to cope with the season of dark and coldness. If you recognize you are particularly vulnerable to this seasonal disorder, do what you can to preempt the blues.

My enemies are idleness, solitude and falling back into my "numbing" habits (eating, sleeping, scrolling and lurking on social media sites to name a few). Knowing this should help me prepare. Keeping busy, taking on an all encompassing winter project that occupies my time, thoughts and energy would most likely be longer lasting than a brief holiday.

Awareness, preparedness, reminding yourself you have walked this walk before and have come out the other side with a few more coping skills up your sleeve may or may not make "the next time" different than the last time.

Note to "future me":

Life has taught you everything you need to know. You have walked through the darkness before, you will do it again. Each time makes you stronger and more capable of enduring the next time. You CAN and you WILL see the light. I don't know when. I don't know how. But if all else fails? Book a winter holiday. It certainly couldn't hurt, could it?

Too Little, Too Late

I have spoke to a counsellor four times in my life. Each one of those times, I went once. Once was enough. I took one statement away from each one of those visits and life moved on.

I spoke to a counsellor when Dad moved to a care home where he lived out the remainder of his life. I have no idea what my side of the conversation was but I do remember her telling me to guide my actions based on what I would be able to live with after he was gone.

Thirty five years later, I believe I would have reacted differently. But I cannot go there. I was young and naive. I did my best.

My husband and I spoke to a counsellor after a particularly bad incident within our marriage. I remember little of the conversation. I do remember the counsellor asking why we would want to save this marriage.

Perhaps that is a blanket statement a marriage counsellor asks each couple they speak to, so the discussion focuses on the positive. The message I heard at the time was, "Walk away while you can ..." So (eventually), that is exactly what I did.

I was still young and naive, but by the time I walked away from my marriage for the third and final time, I was starting to get a little wiser.

The third counsellor I saw was while I was trying to work through a toxic work situation. The first 55 minutes of the session felt like they were straight out of Psychology 101. I was given strategies and tools that I already had and used. I graduated her elementary school of psychology with honors long before she did. I sat in her office feeling frustrated and like I wasn't being heard.

Finally, in the final five minutes of the session she heard what I was telling her. I was in a no win situation at work. I needed some tools to help me deal with my reality because I had no intention of quitting. In those final minutes she quickly told me to make notes, write down dates, times, incidents and all the details I may need to have so I could defend myself.

In the end, the job could not be saved. My boss' boss told me "I was hoping it would not come to this" when I offered this evidence to him.

I wished I had booked a dance lesson in lieu of my hour of therapy which was not enough to save my sanity AND my job. It took a very long time to recover from that blow.

Fast forward to yesterday. My fourth appointment with a counsellor.

I saw my doctor on January 16th. I knew I was slipping into something deep. I was coping but I asked for help.

I passed all cursory tests and was deemed good enough to call and ask to be put on a waiting list for counselling.

I waited almost three months before I called to ensure I was still on the list. I couldn't stop crying as I spoke to the person on the phone. She offered to fast track me through the wait list to someone who could talk to me before I made it to the regular counsellors. Except that person was on holidays.

Three more weeks of waiting ...

The snow melted during that time and the miraculous healing powers of sunshine, warmth and life beckoning at me to join in was enough to pull me up and out of where I was at. I haven't felt this normal for a very long time.

My appointment was yesterday.

Perhaps it is a little bit like taking a car to the mechanic when it is not presently making the noise you want the mechanic to fix. How do you offer to treat a person in a depressed and anxious state, when they appear to have snapped out of it? You don't.

I spoke of the cyclical nature of my moods and ability to cope. This has been a lifetime condition but I have managed to go from mountains and abysses, to hills and valleys. Except, this last time I fell longer, harder and deeper than I had been before. With one notable exception. I was comfortable there and didn't have the desire nor willpower to pull myself up and out.

I asked for a road map for the next time this may happen.

I was given a sheet of statements to read when I feel this encompass me again. Statements which I could have and may have already written myself.

I was told to see my doctor if I felt this coming. I did that.

I was told if this were to happen again, I would be put on the wait list. Again. But to tell them I needed to speak to someone before that, if I felt the need. I did that too.

I felt like I wasted my time and hers by going to talk to someone when I had already found a rope to hang onto and pull myself up and out of where I had been.

When I told her I felt that winter was a time I felt particularly vulnerable. She recommended I book a winter holiday.

Obviously, I didn't need help after all. As I told her my story, she said little. She seemed to recognize that I already had the tools she was about to offer me.

Maybe I should simply take up dancing again...

P.S. I have just realized that perhaps these "lessons I've learned through counselling" may be enough. More tomorrow...

Sluggish Brain

I've spent the past few hours catching up on the weekend's backlog of puzzles. At the onset of this catch-up spree, I couldn't see the answers that were staring me straight in the face. I gazed at the numbers on the Sudoko page and I was oblivious to the most obvious solutions. Two hours and fifteen puzzles later, I'm starting to see past the fog. But what do I see?

I see a to-do list cropping up before me. Unfortunately there are a fair number of re-do items on that list. Not only does the car need yet another oil change and a serious de-bugging cleanse, but when I woke up this morning, I slowly realized that I did not add the Round Up to the weed sprayer when I sprayed the weeds in the back alley last night. I simply labeled the container "Round Up", re-marked the line where the concentrate must be filled, then I added water. No Round Up. Just water.

The most perplexing part of all of this is that I did not figure it out sooner. Normally when I have added water to the concentrate, there is some foaming that makes filling the container a slow process. Not this time. No foam. Hmmm. I just thought I was getting lucky or smarter (maybe I was filling up the water slow enough this time). I was nearing the end of my spraying spree (I sprayed the fence line, along the garage, deck and the entire back alley) before I realized the liquid in the container was clear. Did I put two and two together at that point? No. I guessed that perhaps I had watered down Round Up that had already been diluted.

This is not the first time I've attempted to spray all of the above areas. I did this last week as well. Five days later, a few of the weeds looked tired and droopy but most of them were simply taller. What the heck? Perhaps I diluted some already pre-mixed grass weed killer that was left over from last year. I thought I remembered that particular container having a bit of weed killer left in it, but when the container was marked "Round Up", with a line where to fill the concentrate and another line where to fill the water I simply diluted whatever was already in the container.

Not only could I not see the water line through the completely solid colored container, but the container dripped terribly. I panicked at the thought of dripping Round Up all over the lawn so I sprayed and sprayed and sprayed the back alley until the container was finally empty so I could dispose of the leaky container. It took forever to accomplish the task but I finally completed what I set out to do. Only to discover the weeds were still looking pretty hale and hardy five days later. What the heck?

So I set out to re-do that task last night. With water. Just plain water, which was in a container which once held Round Up, so maybe there was a minute amount of Round Up which was mixed in with my now well watered weeds.

When I went to bed last night, I was almost certain I had been working with a diluted Round Up solution while I was trying to deal with Mom's weeds. I thought of the weeds I had sprayed. Did I just water them as well? Did I dilute Round Up which was already watered down? The only consolation I felt was at least all the weed killer that I managed to spray in my face (twice) while I was at Mom's was not as toxic as I believed at the time.

It was only upon my waking moments that I realized I had most likely completely forgot to add Round Up to the sprayer I had at home last night (not the one I had used and left at Mom's). So I guess I sprayed myself with toxic chemicals after all.

Upon reading the instructions of the sprayer and the chemicals I felt like I should have been dressed from head to toe in a Hazmat suit:

But when dealing with water, I guess there was no reason to suit up after all. I guess if I start glowing in the dark, I'll know I've been over exposed to chemicals.

So today, I honestly feel like I'm living Bill Murray's life (as seen in the movie "Groundhog Day"). Doing the same old thing I did yesterday, the day before and the day before that. I guess I can work on correcting my mistakes this way. 

My foggy brain is not just having trouble with crossword puzzles and Suduko. It seems I'm having a little trouble following simple instructions as well. When is too soon to start worrying about brain health? Maybe a few good nights of sleep at home will help. I'll try that for a while and see how it goes.

Excuses, Brain Fog and Gratitude

Writing must be done before the rest of the world creeps into the day. Honestly, I think the biggest barrier between me and my place here in the land of writing out loud, is the fact that I stopped waking up early enough to carve out time alone in the morning.

I wake up, turn on the TV, fall back to sleep and get out of bed at least a half hour later than I could have if I would have simply put my feet on the floor instead of hitting the power button on the remote control.

I have turned to puzzles in an effort to wake up my sluggish brain. Two cups of coffee and a raft of word puzzles, added to my new addiction to Suduko eats up the next hour.

I'm worried about my brain. It is lethargic, foggy and isn't remembering as much as it used to.

I've stopped noticing things. Am I the only person who can walk across a parking lot, enter a building and the moment someone asks what the weather is like, reply "Hmmm, I didn't really notice"?

It takes energy to remember the day, the date, the month and the season. Is this because I'm working in the bookkeeping business and always working in the "last fiscal year" or balancing to a date in the past? I hope so.

I'm living in my own head so much that I forget to peek out of myself and notice the world around me. I have conversations with people and don't ask them about what is going on in their life. Then when I do, I forget to remember what they said.

I start one thing, get distracted and think of three other things I should be doing. At the end of a day I truly wonder what I have accomplished. I am just now remembering what I forgot to do two days ago.

This brain fog is concerning to me and as a result of that, I signed up to take a course on dementia. The upside of that, is that I am doing well on the assignments/exams to date. So while I'm learning about the possibility of the fact that there could be some grey matter in my brain that could be dying off, I am relieved to know I am still capable of learning and repeating some of what is new to me.

The brain is complicated and frightening when you really think about it. For that matter, so is one's entire body. When you think about the way each organ within our body depends on the others, it is truly a miracle we wake up each morning. When you think of the many functions our brain has, it is should not be a surprise that some of those excess thoughts get lost in the busyness of living a day.

When you think about anything too hard, it is amazing how smoothly things run. Even when things are not running smoothly.

The body's ability to heal, to overcome, to compensate and do what we ask it to do day after day, year after year, decade after decade is nothing short of miraculous. We are walking miracles! It is better to wake up with that thought in mind, than it is to turn on the TV which tends to turn off my brain.

Waking up each morning should feel like a gift. A celebration. Creating a life you are grateful to be living is another thing. I've been working on that. I've been working on that a lot.

Life has been busy. I feel like I'm wearing out my brain. The neurons may not be firing as quickly as they once did but I'm grateful they are doing as well as they are.

I have been given the gift of (most of) a day off. It is up to me to make the most of what I've been given. Shall I study for the exam I have scheduled for next week? Should I sign up for another course to keep exercising my brain? Should I spend the day running a few errands? Or taking a "cat day" just to sit back, watch the birds and all of the dust particles wafting around in the air?

Maybe I'll do a little bit of everything, maybe I won't. This day is a gift. This body that carries me around from "A" to "B" and back again, day after day is pretty amazing. My brain is a little tired though. Maybe I'll give my brain a "cat day" and spur my body into action so I can get out of my head and enjoy the day.

May you make the best of what today brings you. Take time to look up and out of your regularly scheduled life to enjoy the moment and find gratitude in the little things. This is the email which found its way to me this week:

Photo compliments of my GratiTuesday email from Project Happiness

Take one dose of gratitude and I hope to see you in the morning!