Morning Diversions

I messed with my usual routine this morning. I took advantage of the lack of wind in the early morning hours to spray weeds. That small onerous task threw me off my groove.

I fought with the weed sprayer but got the job done-enough. I don't know if the weed sprayer won the battle or if I did. I think it was a draw. 

I came inside, determined to scrub the chemicals off my hands when I caught sight of my freshly washed hair in the mirror. The morning humidity added a frizz and kink to my previously good-enough hair. Rats! "This!!" is why I don't walk in the morning.

An hour had been lost so I thought I'd skip my morning pages and go straight to blogging. I had reverted yesterday morning's blog to a draft because it needed some editing. I thought it would be a quick and easy post. Nope. Yesterday's thoughts were too complicated.

I needed to hand-write my three, 8-1/2" X 11" morning pages to filter the verbiage of the day-in-progress. I'm glad I did. I'm still no great shakes in the word department but my fingers are flying over the keyboard and I feel like I used to feel when I wrote. Energized and a little inspired.

Changing one part of my morning routine woke something up inside of me. Today. Being outside first thing in the morning is a good thing. Maybe that is worth considering.

The very first thing I did upon waking was open the upstairs hallway window. At the precise moment I opened the window, a mourning dove flew up and sat on the roof right beside the window. It stayed there until I ruined the moment and tried to take its picture:

Mourning dove wing in flight

It flew to the garage roof top to avoid a close up

Lesson #1 - stop and enjoy the moment before jumping straight into the day

Lesson #2 - don't waste the moment by taking a picture 

Taking Care of Your Future Self

I remember a time when my son came over to fix something around the house. He was looking around for (or may have brought) the tools required to do the job, when he found everything he was looking for all together in a spot in the laundry room. "Man, I take good care of my future self" he commented as he appreciated the foresight he had the last time he had tended to this task.

I think of this comment often as I walk through my little life. Taking good care of your future self is a much more optimistic way of looking at the same side of the coin, "Man, I hate always having to do this".

I go back to my training when I became a bank teller. It was highly suggested to always keep your work space tidy and organized. Knowing you always had the supplies you needed and exactly where to find them made life easier. This is a universal way of living life.

I have a back-up supply of the repetitive grocery, household, stationary and most car/garage items on hand. When I'm down to the second last item, it's already on the list so it's always there when I need it. 

I have a morning routine that doesn't change much from day to day. Morning coffee, morning smoothie, second cup of coffee, followed by some actual food item. Each phase of this little routine is followed by washing and putting away said cups/glasses/etc. As I put away each item, it feels like I've accomplished a small feat. Everything is back in its place and ready to go for the next morning.

My second job requires leaving the house an hour earlier in the morning. That lost hour is hard to regain so I do everything in my power to take care of my future self. As tough as it may feel to wash my hair the night before or make that lunch when I know I could squeeze it into the morning, I think of my son's words. I will be grateful for taking care of my future self the next morning when time is slipping through my fingertips.

Meal prep on the weekends; mowing the lawn when it doesn't feel like a convenient time; filling the propane tank when I'm already outside and dusty; any number of chores that feel like drudgery and I get little satisfaction or enjoyment from, I remind myself "Your future self will be grateful".

I know I need to incorporate some regular form of exercise into my routine and I have yet to make a change. The biggest obstacle I face is not wanting to lose any of my precious morning time, nor do I want to get up any earlier. I know my future self will be grateful but my present day self is pretty set in her ways.

It is so much better to frame things in a manner which makes it as easy as possible on yourself. What feels hard at the moment? Would your future self be grateful if you did it anyway? 

Recreating What Works

I had a routine and life style that worked well for me when I ran my daycare. I've been striving to find a way to recreate that-which-worked-best for me ever since. 

As I wrote my way through my morning pages this morning, I realized some of the key ingredients to my daycare days routine are finding their way back into my life.

Routine. Plain and simple, routine is where it is at for me. As much as I strived toward a routine during my bookkeeping days, I didn't have a firm schedule. I could work around getting my work done in a way that allowed flexibility. I appreciated and enjoyed that flexibility. I have missed it now that I have a work schedule and firm work hours to adhere to. Everything else has to work around that. And it does.

Meal planning, regular meal times and trying to work in all the food groups into the day was another positive about managing the appetites, nutrition requirements and needs of my daycare crowd. I'm doing much better providing myself some of the same benefits. I love making extra on the weekend so meals are a breeze throughout the week. I crave "real food" - homecooked verses frozen prepared entrees wins every time. If chocolate bars were considered a food group, I'd have it made in the shade. My diet isn't perfect but I'm eating better than I have for a very long time.

Writing. I started writing for myself (morning pages) three months ago. I started writing out loud just over a month ago. Writing rewires the way I process the world. I start creating stories within my thoughts as I think of how I could retell this in writing. I piece together little bits and pieces of life-as-I-see-it and I amuse myself with the absurdity of my little stories. My inner dialogue is much cheerier than it has been.

Noticing all that Mother Nature has to offer. During my daycare days, we marveled at watching ants, counting lady bugs, collecting stones, making wishes blowing the dandelion puff ... These were the little highlights that found their way into almost every day at daycare. I am entertained by nature's critters again. I love when the birds swoop by the patio doors and tempt me to look outside and watch the show. I miss the rabbits that used to hop by my city home. We have squirrels here instead. Their tracks in the snow confused and amused me throughout the winter. 

I do miss quiet time. Ninety minutes while my little ones slept and the older ones watched a movie. I lived for quiet time. I have yet to find a way to insert quiet time into the middle of my work day. An hour after lunch time to simply be still and quiet. I miss that time.

Walking is something that should be easy to add into my day. But I have not yet succeeded. Too cold. Too icy. Too hot. Too humid. If I was to succeed at a regular walk, first thing in the morning is where it is at for me. But then I have to go to work afterwards, so it's all about preserving the state of my hair. 

Little things. It's all about noticing the little things. Creating little stories as one watches the world go by. Rewiring one's thoughts into something that sparks a little joy.

Remember a time when life felt good. See what little piece of that life you can add back to recreate a little piece of what works best.

Here We Go Again

I think I found a piece of myself this past weekend.

I found it while savoring some solitude in my little oasis away from home

I hope I can hold onto whatever this is once I step back into my regularly scheduled life.

I don't want to go home.

I love this little piece of heaven right here on earth.

I'll be back!

I know I have the same easy feeling within my home,

but it is a relief to spend time away from my work that lives with me 

... and all the cat hair.

Oh, the cat hair.

May you find a small piece of heaven somewhere within your day-to-day world.

Breaking Patterns

Breaking a pattern can be as simple as changing ONE thing that sets you down a familiar path. This is sometimes exactly what one wants but is not always what is best.

I went for a walk bright and early this morning. I had a familiar, calming destination in mind. When I first set out, my thoughts were much of the same old, same old thoughts I've been recycling, reusing and ruminating on the past while. 

As I walked, I heard the pouty little voice inside my thoughts say, "There aren't any rabbits". A more hopeful side of that same voice reminded myself, "Maybe they are having their second batch of babies and the moms are in hiding". Then I tuned into my surroundings as I continued on my way and spotted one, then another rabbit. "There they are! You just have to keep walking and being mindful" the more level headed side of myself said.

I found myself at my favorite city watering hole (a man made storm water pond) which brings me back to earth and calmness envelopes me.

There were three pelicans swimming around. A duck flew in for a swim. Another large bird flew overhead (but didn't land) which reminded me of a Canada goose but it was some other bird. There were a red winged blackbirds singing their hearts out and interacting with one of the pelicans. 

                                         

I stood and marveled at the sight before me for at least fifteen minutes. Watching. Listening. Taking pictures and videos to capture the sights and sounds. It was heavenly. I thought of nothing but the moment I was in.

As I was leaving the area, I spotted a rabbit. Then a second one. The rabbits are still around. One just needs to be in a place where they like to hang out. 

As I made my way home, I reminded myself that sometimes what we are looking for is as close as our own backyard or neighborhood. If one can't find peace within themselves at home, it may be a futile effort to go seeking it elsewhere.

My thoughts were familiar yet brought back to life as I walked this morning. I came home feeling revived and refreshed.

Then what did I do? I settled right into my familiar routine. I made my breakfast smoothie, tuned into my favorite podcast, did my puzzles, signed into my work computer ... and the spell was broken. Poof! Back to real life. Back to the books.

Change ONE thing upon returning home. Grab a cup of coffee and sit in my own back yard. Grab something to write with and just let the thoughts flow out of my head and onto the page. Take time to pause before taking a dive into the deep end of life.

Work. Life. Responsibilities. They are unavoidable. I believe they are best managed if we take care of our soul a little first and foremost. 

Break ONE pattern. Allow yourself to immerse yourself in a moment. I highly recommend nature, even if only to stop and gaze out the window and see what appears if you watch long enough. The process may not work miracles but it just may reroute your thoughts into your inner wisdom, hopefulness and a renewed perspective before the realities of the day must be met.

Equation for Groundedness

What is the equation to finding one's personal sense of status quo? That place where one feels simply "okay" with life as they know it. Not a place of "happy". Simply that sweet spot where one feels grounded enough to go with the natural ebbs and flows of life.

Depression and mental health are often talked about subjects. Open conversation and education has made a vast difference in helping the general population recognize symptoms of heart failure, stroke, cancer and numerous physical ailments and saved an untold amount of lives. Mental health is at the forefront of what I see, read and hear a lot these days. For a person in crisis to know they are not alone and there are resources to help out is very likely saving just as many lives. 

I can only write from my personal experience with what I have deemed a "borderline depressive personality". I dip from highs and lows but live most days in that happy medium of mediocracy - good enough. At different ages and stages of life, my highs were higher and my lows were lower. I have gone from living in the sharp peaks and valleys of the mountains to a hilly existence. 

I appreciate the contrasts I live with. Feeling good feels great after a period of wading through the doldrums. Recently, I was quietly thinking that I missed feeling happy. That temporary euphoric state where one feels bubbly, smiley and good inside. Then I woke up one morning feeling just plain happy. It was a wonderful thing. Within twelve hours of feeling a low-key state of "happy", I felt an equal and opposite flip of moods. It wasn't awful. It was normal. It was as if I was was on the tail end of an adrenaline rush. Poof! Gone. Back to my status quo which felt a little lower than usual due to the variance. 

I talked myself down and through the plateau: "It's okay. This too, shall pass. Going from full on "full" to "back to normal" in a twelve hour period will do this. It is just a temporary adjustment and you will self correct."

What is the formula that has evolved over the course of time? At one time I may have felt like I was free-falling without a net. Experience, recognition of being here before, faith that the moment would pass and differing hormonal levels may all come into play. But essentially, what is MY contentment equation?

#1 - it is "contentment" I seek. Not happiness. Contentment is the level playing field where a temporary state of either happiness OR unhappiness can evolve.

#2 - contentment is actually secondary. Safety, having one's physical and financial needs taken care of, a state of physical health that is not worrisome is first and foremost. 

#3 - a sense of belonging is a fundamental need. Being and feeling like you are a part of community within family, friends, work/school/and any number of other social relationships is vital to the human existence

#4 - routine, a schedule, a need to be accountable. As much as we may long for a commitment-free life, is that what is best for us? I know I thrive on routine, comfortable little ruts that get me through the obligations of a day. As much as I long for a day off of all of the above, I never feel quite as good when I let a day slip through my fingers without doing more than turning on the TV.

#5 - nourishment and sleep. Food, water and sleep are essential to life. Good-for-you-food is best though perhaps one of the hardest things to reach for when I'm on a downward slide. A good night's sleep is elusive to many so I know I'm one of the lucky ones who can do nothing but sleep when life feels hard. Finding and being able to maintain the Goldilocks Zone of just the right amount of sleep is golden.

#6 - a sense of balance between all of my needs. Too much of anything is not a good thing for me no matter if it is too much work, too much free time, too much socializing, not enough socializing. I find there is a state of okay-ness if I have a good, healthy balance of work; leisure; solitude; people; new experiences; savoring the tried and true and the list goes on.

Balancing the demands of life can feel hard. I often wonder where I would be right now if my needs hadn't been secondary to providing for my children. Earning a living, creating and maintaining a home and living with those dependent on me has pushed me to be who I am and where I was meant to be. The need to be needed is a part of the belonging part of the following equation:

Safety/security + Belonging + Routine + Nourishment + Balance (of all of the above) = Feeling Grounded

Feeling Grounded = Contentment (a very good place to be)

Routines Revised

This morning's routine did NOT work. I will not repeat life this way tomorrow.

The intention: walk, then write. 

What happened: walk; laundry; cat litter & related chores; eating toast at the kitchen table without distractions; hearing a bird I wanted to identify with my bird sound identifier app (i.e. becoming distracted); start a blog post but got too long winded so started all over again; decided my Making a Bed Around a Cat video would be a wiser choice; file too big to share; downloaded an app to shrink video file; saved to my computer and figured out how to speed up playback speed; tried to upload video onto blog but it was the wrong file type; saved video as another file type; blog did not finalize the upload; so tried yet another file type; success at last.

My morning started by walking out the door at 5:45 a.m. It is now 8:59 a.m. I have walked, washed a load of laundry, ate breakfast and come up with a blog post.

Teaser alert: The video finally uploaded but I will not post that blog until tomorrow. 

Tomorrow's routine will consist of writing FIRST, then walking. If at first you don't succeed, try try again.

The next day's goal will be to write about something a little more important than "all of the above"

Same Same Same

I love routine. Ruts. Same old, same old. I like to know what to expect on a day-to-day basis.

I thought of this as I made my breakfast smoothie - a routine I adopted over twenty years ago, from a smoothie recipe my middle child brought home when he was in Grade 8. Every morning, it is the same thing. I've adapted the recipe a little over the years but I almost always start my day with a breakfast smoothie.

Then I made a sandwich for the supper meal I pack up with me daily. I will eat the same sandwich until I run out of that particular ingredient. "Don't you ever get tired of sandwiches?" I am asked. Heavens no! Anything I don't have to think about when I assemble the ingredients is fine by me. As long as I like the ingredients. Repetition = easy.

I now have the luxury of having lunch at home. This offers all the variety I need. Once again, my choices are of the same old, same old variety. What I choose to eat is dictated by what may be nearing its expiry date in the fridge or what is quickest and easiest to prepare. Prior to working from home, I packed up two granola bars to eat as I worked. A granola bar without chocolate = a meal. Good enough! And I would run out the door with my repetitive meals on board.

I am pretty easy to please when it comes to eating. It is when I am trying to please others when I stress out a little. Most people enjoy variety. I would prefer it if people thought, "Oh, I'm going to Colleen's. It will be spaghetti & meat sauce. Again." I wouldn't mind being associated with one meal and one meal only. But since variety is the spice of life, I have about five supper meals I rotate when absolutely necessary. 

Clothes. Same thing.

I would love to go to a closet that had as few choices as necessary. Long sleeved, short sleeved or no sleeved tops. Perhaps two or three color choices. Jeans, capris or comfy pants. Black or denim is the only option required. Shoes? Comfort is all that matters. Comfort and preferably no holes in the soles.

My favorite option when it comes to online grocery orders is the "easy reorder". Yes!!! All my favorites in one spot. Click, click, click some more. The only decision required is "how many?". Same thing with Amazon. The "buy again" tab has my name all over it.

Extra curricular activities? Aaack. Not my favorite. Surprise me. Show up on my doorstep. Call me and ask "Do you want to do something right now (or within a few hours)?" My favorite part of having a part time home in the town where my sister lives, is finding her on my doorstep or driving up the driveway and popping in. I love it! Love it!! Love it!!! 

I can be lost in my small little world of same-ness with a little variety tossed in to spice things up a bit. But I thrive on routine. 

It is said that variety is the spice of life. I tend to believe "life" is spicy enough. The best way for me to handle the curve balls life tends to throw into a day/week/month/year is to maintain as much same-ness as possible. The fewer decisions I must make on a regular basis, the better equipped I am, to handle whatever comes my way.

It works for me. What works for you?

A morning smoothie with a cup of coffee on the side is the best part of waking up!

Same Old, Same Old

I live a bit of a "Groundhog Day" existence. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the sameness, the predictability and routine of a regularly scheduled day in my life but I wouldn't mind tweaking a thing or two.

I woke up this morning, made my bed, checked for rabbits, made coffee and wrote my morning pages at the table in front of the living room window. I made my morning smoothie, a second cup of coffee and worked through my regularly scheduled word and number puzzles. By the third cup of coffee, I was into perusing the Internet which usually leads me to stopping by and blogging for a bit before the demands of the day start to nag at me. Rinse and repeat. I do this over and over and over again. It never gets old.

It is the "nagging" part of the above scenario that is tiresome. I have to wash and tame my hair. Thankfully aging provides a reprieve there. If I don't sweat or get caught up in a dust storm, my hair will last a week between washings. The frequency between touching up my roots has sped up to every three to four weeks. The style I presently sport doesn't require cutting too terribly often but I'm feeling a tad shaggy at the moment so I believe my once-every-three-months hair trimming time has arrived.

All in all, can I just say I wish I had the hair of a short-haired cat? A cat's hair grows to a certain length, sheds and starts all over again. Their daily hair-all-over-the-body washing routine could be the downfall. I'm quite certain if I was a cat, I would be complaining about the maintenance of the above mentioned hair. But have you ever seen a short-haired cat having a bad hair day? I do stress the short-haired part. I have seen long-haired cats who could use a trip to the hair salon.

Then I got to thinking. If I was a rabbit, I could change hair colors with the seasons. It would just be part of mother nature's self preservation routine. Though if I was a rabbit, I can certainly hear myself complaining about the shedding required while my hair changed color on its own. The cat wins.

Yes, I should be washing my hair as I write. Then I should go outside and shovel snow. Another repetitive task which gets a little more tiresome as winter settles in to stay. But for today??? This last light snowfall revealed many, many rabbit tracks in our yard. Either our neighborhood rabbits keep coming back and back for more, or word has got out and rabbits from far and wide have heard of the rumor that there is food to be had under our fir tree.

Feeding the rabbits will never get old. Cleaning cat litter however? Just one more task to tend before I head into the day ahead of me.

I'm back on the hamster wheel again. Another day-in-the-life is about to unfold. I know nothing for certain except for the fact that I will head home at the end of the day and settle into the regular little routines that soothe my soul. So I can wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.

Rabbit tracks! Lots and lots of rabbit tracks!!
This will never get old💖

Where Does the Time Go?

I can fritter time away like nobody's business. I get up shortly after 5 a.m. and I'm still scrambling to get out the door by 9:30.

What in the world is so important?

Morning pages. Minimum time investment 45 minutes. Let's round that up to an hour to account for getting up, making my bed and getting "my head" ready to leave the house. A dab of eyeliner and a few strokes of color on my cheeks and I'm good to go.

A second cup of caffeine, my morning smoothie and word/number puzzles go together like chocolate and peanut butter. Depending on the difficulty of the puzzles and my brain power of the moment and this takes a minimum of another hour.

There go two hours in the blink of an eyelash.

Then comes the little time-fillers. One more cup of coffee. Facebook scrolling and checking for new blog posts from some of my favorite bloggers. Submitting a power meter reading; banking and financial loose ends to tie up; making my lunch; replying to texts/emails; turning on an appliance to wash dishes or clothes requires an eventual effort on my part when it comes to putting said dishes/clothes away.

Meanwhile, I must check on the rabbits. I haven't had a rabbit sighting in a few days. Where do they go when I can't see them I wonder...

All the while, my thoughts run in a little loop. Things to do. Things that have been done. Silently congratulating myself for washing my hair and vacuuming yesterday so I've freed up some time. What will I blog about today? What is insightful? What little life event triggered an epiphany? What do I really have to say? Any cat tales? Rants or raves? Hmmm ...

This morning the thought that kept coming up to the surface is the fact that I am such a power sleeper, I have wore a hole in my sheet:

What the heck? Who wears out sheets? This must have usually been at the foot of my bed and perhaps it is worn from the nights my feet are cold and I try to create a little warmth by moving my feet back and forth?? Does it really matter? Do I sleep too much? Add sheets to my list.

Honestly. I am a world class champion at wasting time. Yet the things I want to accomplish get put to the bottom of the pile. All my morning chores must be done first.

Am I this way because I am out of the house all day and these inane activities calm and soothe me before I head out the door?

I squeeze in all the things I used to do during quiet time when I ran my daycare into my mornings and have turned relaxing into a job. I sleep so hard I wear out my sheets. Maybe I am more focused than I give myself credit for. Look how hard I work during the night and into the morning.

I think I found out where my time goes. Relaxing is hard work.

The World is Whispering to Me (aka: I Hate Change!)

I feel like the world is trying to reroute my comfortable little morning routine.

I used to love reading the almost-daily posts from my favorite bloggers. I would fill myself up with humor, perspective and little nuggets of inspiration before I sat still and wrote my own thoughts of the day. I would have a cup of coffee or two while I wrote then tend to all that needed tending before my daycare days began. Then during our afternoon quiet time, I would sit down with various word and number puzzles to satisfy my need to challenge my mind as my daycare family slept.

Life has evolved and morphed into my revised routines since then.

My favorite bloggers have either turned to other social media outlets or write only sporadically or not at all. I've tried to find new favorite authors and have had mild success. My interests have evolved, the world isn't the same and I haven't found a comfortable niche of regular bloggers to follow. I closed my daycare, work outside of my home and no longer have "quiet time" in the middle of my day. So I have skipped straight to my word and number puzzles to kick start my days.

My puzzle providers have changed a few times over the course of time. I would seek out and find my favorite puzzles in new places. I added to my selection of puzzles and my time commitment to puzzling has increased.

A few weeks ago, I thought it was happening again. Most of my puzzles were unavailable when I went to the site. I thought, "Here we go again. They are closing down shop and I will have to find new puzzles elsewhere." But there was a ray of hope. Instead of a dead end, it simply looked like the puzzle was slow in loading. I came back and tried, tried and tried again. Eventually, through the course of the next few hours, I could load each of my favorite puzzles and still have the satisfaction of completing that little morning task before carrying on with the day.

Enter one more glitch. My son just started some morning classes three days a week which means I have to leave the house an hour earlier than usual. Instead of bemoaning the fact that I will either lose an hour of my quiet morning time OR I will have to get up an hour earlier, I became consumed with the fact that I won't have time to wait for my morning puzzles to become available before I start the day.

I took a long, deep breath and told myself there was a work-around. I would get up an hour earlier. I would write first. I would load this morning's puzzles and leave them open so I can work on them tomorrow morning. I would find a way to overcome this obstacle.

Never mind the fact that I could and should be taking this bonus hour and going for a brisk morning walk. Or perhaps try to restart the "exercise" habit. Maybe even vacuum? No, no, no. I continue to try to load each of my puzzles as I write this post and feel a small bit exasperated that I must put this habit of challenging my mind on hold.

Do you ever feel like the world is trying to tell you something? Then when you don't listen, that "whisper" becomes an inconvenience. Then the inconvenience becomes a shouting match?

Yes, World. I hear you. But I'm not listening to your call. I just want my little piece of normalcy. Inspirational reading material and puzzles to challenge my mind. Is that really too much to ask?

Apparently.

Here We Go Again

The name of Cher's current tour (the one after her final, final tour) seems to describe the way I feel as a new week dawns.

Here I go again. Back into the same old, same old routine of doing the same old thing and hoping something changes. Yes, I believe it has been said that is the definition of insanity. Need I say more?

That said, I feel much lighter going into this week after clearing the deck of many "impossible things" yesterday, with the assistance of my son.

Not only did he mow the grass for me (all I had to do was buy the gas for the lawnmower and get the lawnmower started), but when I came home last night he told me he was going through the contents of his room in the hope of selling off unused items he has been holding onto.

My son is a university student with limited means. I am a home owner with excess belongings in the basement. We mixed those two facts together and came up with a perfect solution. If he could sell any of our unused household items, he can keep the cash. It is a win-win situation!

Lightening the load is sometimes as easy as cleaning off the counter tops and clearing out the excess. Mowing the lawn is a bonus (it is heavenly to come home to a well tended yard).

Off to work I go. Heading back into a new week and hoping the load feels lighter all around. Tending to "impossible things" at home is bound to affect how I head into this week.

Here I go again. Same old, same old but hoping for better results.

Setting Intentions

Yesterday morning, I accidentally set my intentions for a day I didn't believe was going to unfold. Little did I know at the time, my day followed a completely different course than I expected. Was it because I wrote out my wish list for a "life of ease" I hope to attain one day? Or was it simply the luck of the draw?

I knew I had some dirty work to do first thing in the morning so I climbed into clothes that were one step away from being in the laundry hamper. I dressed for the task and did more than I expected to do. Was it because I was dressed for the job? Or did life just happen to work out that way?

I was motivated and excited to have accomplished more than I expected and I silently wished for a few more hours to follow the momentum of the morning. The phone rang and I was told I didn't have to go into work. Devine intervention? Or just plain luck?

I didn't set any records and accomplish any great feats. I simply took one forward step at a time, crossed a few more tasks of my mental to-do-list and eventually sat down with a late morning breakfast and one final cup of coffee.

Sitting down broke my momentum but it didn't stop my thoughts. I checked out names, numbers and prices for the outside maintenance which must be done this year. I didn't let any moss grow beneath these intentions and immediately started calling and inquiring. I had my first estimate a few hours later; second one is coming tonight; and a third is scheduled for tomorrow morning.

I vacuumed invisible dirt and not quite as invisible cat hair with the excess time and energy I had on my hands. After three consecutive days of vacuuming and wet mopping the laminate flooring, I can finally walk throughout the house and not end up with socks that look like cat hair slippers on the bottom.

I sent out a brief email, I scribbled notes along my way, I found myself following the outline of the "Life of Ease" I had written about as yesterday dawned. In short, my goals are:

1. Tame a wild rabbit or two
2. Register for some university courses
3. Set out and discover places within our fair city to simply sit back and watch nature unfold before my eyes
4. Explore our province
5. Set small goals each day
6. Read
7. Turn off all electronics, televisions and phones for a set time frame every day
8. Search for ways to keep connected to the people within my world
9. Take notes along the way so I will remember to write about the small stuff

I wrote these points at 8 a.m. By 9:00, I had received the call telling me I had the day off. By 11:30 I was lining up estimates. I had put in a good day's worth of accomplishments before noon. I had done "Six Impossible Things Before Lunch". 

Setting intentions is key. Morning is where it is at for me. How my day begins sets the tone for the hours that follow. 

It feels good to wake up to the morning sun beaming in my bedroom window. I need to get in the habit of setting those intentions before my feet hit the ground in the morning. Or better yet, I could follow Mom's example and go to sleep mapping out a plan for the next day. 

"Yes, Mom. I hear you. I will try to follow the example you have set."

Rinse and Repeat

Life. Rinse and repeat daily. Maintenance. Redo what you just did yesterday. Routine. Same old, same old. I have a love/hate relationship with each of the above.

On one hand, I thrive on routine. I love my little ruts and I feel a little resentful when I'm forced to carve out a new one. I love the "known". I crave the little reward system I have created within my small little world.

It has been over two years since I started leaving our home to earn a living. The shock of that change of life was softened by a year of running out to Mom's. The drive, the solitude and knowing Mom was there saved me from myself during that year of transition.

The second year? Not so great. I missed Mom. I missed my regular road trips. I missed everything the prior year brought into my world. I had to create a new rut and I didn't like it. Not one little bit.

I'm well into my third year of change and I'm finally rolling with it. I'm sad to say, at the ripe old age of 58, I live for my weekends. But I do. I like what I do but I love being home more. I'm doing this. And it's okay.

I allowed myself a weekend to recreate the past. I literally packed my suitcase as I got dressed one Friday morning and brought it upstairs with me. I sent out a few messages into the universe and was urged to move forward with my last minute plan to flee the city. Breaking out of the deep rut I had carved out for myself was life affirming.

I tossed my suitcase into the trunk of my car and didn't come home from work that day. I felt slightly rebellious but mostly, I felt liberated and free.

Maintenance. Whew! That word is a paragraph unto itself.

We have created a home that requires daily maintenance. Not only do I have to wake up, dehair/make my bed and clean cat litter every morning, we now have a house that requires a daily mopping up of said cat hair.

I have a love/hate relationship with this cat hair. I love the cats it belongs to. I hate having it floating about the house aimlessly, without wall-to-wall carpeting to attract and hold onto it for a later date. BUT (now, this is the surprising part), I DO like waking up to a clean house each morning. I despise the cleaning aspect of this job but I do appreciate its rewards.

Speaking of which, if I plan to de-hair the house of cat hair which has accumulated on the laminate floors before I head off to work, I must stop writing.

I have to hop out of my writing rut, into my cleaning rut, then head off to a day at the office, so I can come home, rinse and repeat, then do it all over again tomorrow.

Freedom

There is great comfort in routine for me. I thrive on sameness, predictability and repetition. Is it really any wonder why I label my life as "rinse and repeat daily"?

I have been up for two hours.

I have made my bed and washed/dried/put away a load of clothes. I have lingered over my morning smoothie and coffee while spending the better part of an hour devoted to my Sudoku and word puzzle addiction; followed by over an hour on Facebook.

Facebook was speaking to me, so I scribbled down the words which spoke the words I would like to remember and repeat aloud as needed.

I have reached out (in an electronic kind of way) to a few people and I'm expecting a callback from a friend I haven't talked to in a while.

I brought up a box of miscellaneous items which have stockpiled in my bedroom and I WILL sort through these items at some point today.

I have only a few "hard things" on my agenda today. Followed by an evening out with a friend.

Life is good. It is so good. When I knocked over my glass full of frozen ingredients for my smoothie, before adding the liquid to the mix, I was simply grateful. Everything landed on the counter top so nothing was wasted. I scooped up my frozen berries and simply said "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" to the ceiling above.

I have so much. I have the gift of a predictable life with everything that comforts me all within reach. I am comforted by this fact. Our home is my oasis here on earth. For others, this is not the case. How you feel about what you already have is a choice.

"Happiness isn't about getting what you want all of the time. It's about loving what you have and being grateful for it." (Author unknown)

Of all that passed through my consciousness this morning, this is what spoke the most loudly to me:

I choose freedom.

One Small Habit at a Time

After spending a week with my sister (followed by four days with me), Mom commented time and time again about the way my sister cleaned invisible dirt, picked non-existent weeds and was constantly shining up her kitchen appliances "like they would never get dirty again". I listened to Mom's description of my sister and wished she had been talking about me.

I explained to Mom that it is so much easier to simply keep on top of the dirt (and weeds). If you don't, the dirt and weeds continue to grow and a small jobs become big ones. I know that because I am smack dab in the middle of a very big, dirty, grime, dust and weed infested home. Everywhere I look, there is something that needs to be done.

I keep on top of things the best I can during my daycare oriented weeks. Which isn't saying a lot, but at a bare minimum my laundry doesn't pile up, the fridge is full, the bathrooms and kitchen are wiped and swiped as we go and the yard is tended. It feels like "a renter" lives here. Someone who takes care of the bare necessities around the house. No more and no less.

Back in Daycare 1.0 I somehow managed to not only sweep, but sometimes give the kitchen floor a quick wash after lunch. Oh. My. Gosh! During my days in Daycare 2.0, I am lucky if I manage to sweep the floor twice a week. I used to have a weekly routine which included vacuuming and wiping down the couch at the end of every daycare day; cleaning bathrooms and dusting the house from top to bottom, once a week; the kitchen floor got washed twice as much as it now gets swept; door frames and pictures were dusted; and kitchen cupboards were wiped down. 

And ... I used to actually cook (and bake)! I would wake up early so I could get some soup simmering or a casserole prepared for lunch and make a batch of muffins or cookies. I actually read cookbooks in those days so I could find sneaky ways of making sure the kids got a good variety of fruits and vegetables. I used to sit down every Friday afternoon and plan our lunch, snack and supper menus for the upcoming week so I not only had the right groceries on hand, but I didn't have to waste energy wondering what we were going to eat.

Life around here has become "doing the bare minimum" and not even that got done over the course of time Mom stayed with me last week. I threw in a load of laundry the morning she arrived. I tossed it into the dryer the following morning. I folded it the morning after she left. I swept the floor before she woke up one morning. I didn't touch the vacuum cleaner for the duration of her stay. Groceries were not bought. Laundry was not done. The lawn had been mowed before her arrival but missed its weekly "edging". I felt like some kind of superhero because I managed to sleep enough to keep functioning and eked out a bare minimum of quiet time which restores my sense of status quo for the duration of her visit.

I was ushered into the new week with the hardest daycare day ever. Was it harder than it had to be, because I was running on fumes? Now that I've had a few days to step back and look at it, I believe that was one of the reasons the day fell apart the way it did. Exhaustion does not look good on anyone. I was down right ugly on Monday. After my very long daycare day, I vacuumed, mowed the lawn and walked to the mailbox (a five minute walk) and I honestly didn't know if I would ever make it back home again. I was so weary it felt like I was walking the wrong way on a moving sidewalk. Step number one was to sleep. So that was all I managed to accomplish on the first day.

The second day, I edged the lawn (with household scissors) as the kids played by my side. I looked up from my work in progress (you don't get far while tending four little people playing with bikes on a driveway) and I was pleased. It was a small step, but a step in the right direction.

The third day, I trimmed some of the lawn in the back yard. My heart smiled. It was starting to look like someone who cared lived here. And it was good.

I finally had the energy to sort my laundry on the fourth day. I had a grand total of two full loads. One of the loads was sheets, tea towels, dish clothes and wash clothes. It was so hard to make all of those beds afterwards but I not only managed to do so, but then I did the hardest job of all. I showered, washed and dried my hair after the first load of laundry was tended.

Clean hair makes me feel like Wonder Woman. I start to feel invincible the minute that hard job is done. I woke up this morning, turned on the washing machine to wash my second (and last) load of laundry. My household chores have finally just about been caught up to where they would have been, had I simply cleaned, washed and puttered as I went along instead of putting life on hold for four days.

The fridge is still empty and the errands that need to be run are piling up, but now that my hair is clean I feel like I may be able to tackle most of those feats by the end of today. 

I really, really need to reinstate my clean-as-I-go policy. I had some very good habits back in the days of Daycare 1.0. Why am I having such a hard time reinstating them? They worked. I felt good and comfortable and relaxed in our relatively clean and maintained home. 

One small habit at a time. That is really all I need to do. I used to dry mop the cat hair downstairs every morning, then vacuum upstairs and wipe down the couch every day. I used to clean, vacuum and dust downstairs on Thursdays. I used to dust, clean bathrooms and wash the kitchen floor on Friday. I used to buy groceries during the week so I didn't have to waste a moment on the weekend tending to that nasty job. I used to be organized. Now I am barely eking by.

I want to clean invisible dirt, pick invisible weeds and shine down my kitchen like it is never going to get dirty again. I feel energized when I am living in a clean and clutter free environment. One habit at a time. That is all. If I can't manage to wake up at 5:00 a.m. to go for an early morning stroll, maybe I can take that energy I'm not using there and delegate it to our home. 

Something's gotta change. And I think that "thing" is me. In fact I know it is. 

Keeping the Good Habits

I have let a lot of things slide over the course of time. Life is ever-evolving and as we go with the flow of things, one must decide what is worth keeping and what is weighing you down.

I am sorry to say that housecleaning and cooking have slipped a long way down on my priority list. I developed some good habits that I wish that I would have hung onto when life got busy.

Menu-planning seemed like it took a tremendous amount of energy and it was more fun to just go with the flow of things, as my responsibilities at home lessened. But it has now gotten to the point where I have simply lost all desire to cook. Having a plan worked far better for me - cooking the meal was a snap, when I didn't have to come up with a menu.

Friday-chores became something that I squeezed into my daycare days, so that when the last child left on Friday the house was clean and not one hour of the weekend was wasted on housework. I have continued part of that habit. I don't clean on weekends. But the house doesn't get a good cleaning throughout the week either.

I used to spend hours upon hours working out my budget and calculating how I would cover the bills and pay down the mortgage and create a holiday fund and upcoming expenses. But it seemed that no matter how much I planned, the finances always managed to work out in the end. I now have a very loose budgeting system. I get paid. I pay the bills. I spend what I need to spend. And I figure out how to make it all work out in the end. I am creating the illusion of not falling behind ... but I am certainly not getting ahead either.

My evenings and weekends used to have a lot of excess time. My friends were very busy and it took a lot of energy to plan to get together. It was always special and memorable when we did plan a date to gather, but it didn't happen with great regularity. I never used to know my extended family as much as I do now. I would never have dreamt of dropping in on my aunt & uncle, nor calling a cousin on a whim. My sisters & I used to have a semi-annual-ish Sister Sleepover. Again, it was rare and took great planning. I filled a lot of that time writing letters and emails to bridge the gaps between visits.

Life has changed ...

Menu-planning has become a nightly query of "what do you want for supper?", and I throw whatever is quick and easy together and call it a meal.

The house is tidy but not clean. I have always said that. I am now saying it just a little bit louder.

My financial plan is "work". I work to pay the bills. I take on whatever job comes my way because it helps to cover off the shortfall. My retirement plan is to continue to work. I am just figuring things out as I go along.

What has filled in the void where I used to spend so much of my energy planning and cleaning and budgeting? A 'life' ...

I have become a person that calls someone on a whim and just goes with the flow of whatever that call may bring. I am also on the receiving end of many of those same calls. My after-hours life has become full and fulfilling.

Long distance phone bundles make it very easy to 'reach out and touch someone' whenever the spirit moves. I miss my weekly letters from Mom, but I can count on at least one phone visit. Maybe more.

Seeing someone in person or being able to talk with them on the phone is a gift ... but I do miss the gift of words. That card, letter or email that used to fill the gaps in between the in-person visits. I used to write so much more than I do now. Writing is one habit I do not want to give up.

Every morning, I do my best to squeeze in time to write in this spot. The words are not eloquent or well thought out or (lately) even proof-read before I hit the 'Publish' button and scurry on with my day. I read the other blogs and the way their words hit the page make me marvel at the skill that they have honed. I miss the time that I used to spend writing ...

My dream holiday would be to park myself in a quiet little house, close to my home town (as a child). I would unplug myself from the Internet and cell phone. I would take myself back to a world where my words filled up inside of me to the point where I simply had to write. I would finish the book I started working on. I would read. I would sit still and be quiet. I would have a supply of stationary and stamps and write cards and letters whenever the spirit moved me. I would write ...

The constant buzz of technology is deafening. I can't hear myself think as well as I once did. My words are getting lost before they are written down. I long for the quiet place that once felt 'lonely'. I wasn't lonely. I was alone with my own thoughts. And they kept me company as I figured out life's puzzles. It was a time of growth.

I need to continue to grow.

Right now, I do not have the luxury of that dream. But I can still write. I do not want to lose the habit of writing. So I write. It may not be deep or well thought out or humorous or anything else that I wish it was. But it is me. I am still purging my subconscious thoughts onto the page so that my brain to fingertip connection remains strong.

If ever my brain stops functioning as I now know it, could someone please put a computer keyboard in front of me? The brain-to-fingertip connection may still work. Because I have maintained one good habit in my life. Writing.

It's Good to Be Back

My Youngest was up with his alarm first thing yesterday morning.

He showered, made his lunch, ate breakfast and was pretty pleased to still have over two hours to do as he pleased, before he had to head off to school.

I returned home from work (shortly after his school day ended), to find him and a friend happily playing on the X-box.

He relayed the information about his day with a smile and eagerness to talk. There was a aura of 'it feels good to be back' surrounding him.

Last night, I could hear him readying himself for bed a few minutes sooner than I expected. Our cat heard the tell-tale signs of bed-time and quickly hopped up onto My Youngest's bed, so that he was ready and waiting for His Boy to come and join him.

Yes, even our cat (who meowed up a storm after being abandoned all day) seems to appreciate the old routines are easily falling back into place.

Holidays are nice. But what would we compare them to, if every day was a holiday? Routines, schedules, expectations, friends and school. It is good to be back!

Clutter

At the very beginning of my banking career, I was told to keep my work area neat and organized. It is not only the impression that you give your customer, but it is a sign of an organized mind.

I have taken that advice with me where ever I have travelled. Whether it is a desk, office, kitchen, house, yard, car &/or garage ... the state of whatever area I am working in, correlates with my state of mind.

As a teller, I kept my wicket organized and well supplied. When I had a desk and office, my habits remained. Supplies were replenished before I ran out, everything I needed was at my fingertips and there was an aura of tidiness in my work space.

When I graduated to become a full time daycare provider, my house became my office. If the kitchen was chaos, I was a mirror image. The more I needed to feel in control of the day (my life), the more I fought to maintain order within our home. This is when stock piling food became the norm for me. I became (what most would call) obsessive compulsive about my household chores. It was a fight, but my mind and home continued to be mirror images of each other. If there was order in my work place (our home), there was order in my mind.

Fast forward to today.

I have been unable to make a final decision about the end of my daycare career. At every turn, I am reminded of the quality of life that I had (and ability to be organized and work in a lot of extra curricular housecleaning activities) when I ran my daycare. So I have had a hard time making the move to donate/sell &/or throw away the excessive amount of 'kid stuff' that have amassed over the years. Toys, videos, books, puzzles, craft stuff and baby paraphernalia fill every spare nook and cranny.

What is not filled with daycare provisions, is full of excess ... stuff.

I can't fit anything more into the filing cabinet. My dresser drawers are full. My closet is so full of miscellaneous items (not to mention the clothes that I don't wear) that I cringe every time I open the doors. My Youngest hasn't seen the top of his dresser since 2008. Boxes are amassing in the laundry room ... I believe the clutter is reproducing on its own. It's taking over our home.

Then there is my work. This .... is my office (aka - living room):

Since this picture has been taken, there has been a bucket full of invoices-to-be-paid and another box of statements-to-be-done added to the kitchen. Not to mention the box in the living room that is out of camera range.

I am 95% finished each task I have been given. No one job (except statements and invoices to be paid) is ever complete.

I have lists of questions, missing paperwork, documentation of potential problems, etc, etc, etc.

My mind feels exactly like my living room. I am in a state of confusion. And I don't know where to begin.

It's no wonder that I cannot retain new information - I have to 'clean house' in every sense of the word. I must regain some control of my work life, my home life and my mind.

Thank goodness for this upcoming long weekend. Watch out clutter ... here I come!!!

P.S. Note the cat-in-the-box ... our cat loves, loves, loves cardboard boxes. You can imagine his angst when he scours the living room to see all of his favorite play toys filled with paperwork. So I set out this empty box especially for him. He hopped right in and was as happy as could be.

Up Before the Alarm

You know it's going to be a good day when you are wide awake and ready for the day before the alarm goes off.

I have this nasty habit of waking up at 3 or 4 a.m. with a head full of words. I have habitually become accustomed to turning off my own internal dialogue by turning on the T.V. and letting someone else's words replace my own. It works like a charm.

So I get a slight thrill when I roll over to look at the clock and see the number "5" something on the clock.

Today, I woke up about 15 minutes before my alarm was due to go off. Fifteen minutes that I normally spend hitting the snooze button. But instead, I mulled over the day that I have ahead of me.

I will have to work at both of my jobs today which inspires me to get an early start on 'job #1'.

I have made a conscious decision to stop stressing about making the 160 hours-per-month goal with my bookkeeping job. I'm fighting the current on this one, so it's time to relax and just let go with the flow. I am close to my goal. That's good enough.

I know what I am cooking for supper tonight. Another great stress relief off of my plate.

I don't have to rush off after supper. I have a few hours of 'wiggle room' to do with as I please tonight. Work? Write? Practise dancing? Or simply frittering the time away. I have the ability to choose.

And I am rewarded with a dance lesson at the tail end of the day. This is always a good thing.

Today is a good balance of work, play, structure and down time. It was an easy day to get out of bed.