Body, Heal Thyself

I have marvelled on many occasions how this vessel I live in (my body) has the ability to recover from a myriad of things on its own. With little or no outside intervention, it rights itself and maintains its equilibrium. Much like how a cat lands on its feet.

I have been wandering through my days feeling a little bit "powder bluish". Not a deep, dark blue mood. Not even a regular "blue" feeling. Just a little bit of a faded blue. I recognize the state and know from past experiences that life has natural ebbs and flows. As I was getting frustrated with myself for my inability to snap out of it, I thought of the "snap out of it" scene from Moonstruck, chuckled a little and I was cured (until next time).

I rarely feel sick but when I recently had a bout with a stomach ailment which grounded me for a day, I slept it off, recouped, recovered and moved on. No intervention required.

A sunburnt face which peeled, peeled and peeled some more. It took a while but my skin has stopped shedding and I'm back to my normal skin tone. No matter how much I tried to moisturize and ease my way through this minor dilemma, my body healed in its own time, in its own way.

Each time I catch my body in a heal and recover mode, I look upward and utter "thank you". Every time I climb out of the other side of the doldrums, I am grateful. Any time I notice my body taking care of me and doing its level best to recover, I am appreciative.

A few nights ago, I took a 3 mile walk. Nothing strenuous, I wore good shoes and everything was in my favor. It was an enjoyable stroll. I came home, had supper and stretched my legs out on a chair. Ahhh. Then I got up. My ankle was not happy supporting the weight of my body while it walked. 

My ankle was fine for the entirety of my walk and in the aftermath. There was no trauma. Did I stretch something when I elevated my feet and relaxed? Would this become an ongoing issue like my painful "resting neck syndrome"?

I pampered my ankle with its own pillow when I went to bed. I awoke in the middle of the night and strolled down the hall to write some middle-of-the-night pages. Ouch. My ankle still hurt. I wrapped it in a tensor bandage and left it on for the rest of the night. 

I awoke to an ankle that was still a little angry. I wandered through my morning routines and my ankle was better. Then came the test. I dropped my car off for an oil change and walked (not quite a mile) to work. I never thought of my ankle again. It healed itself.

Thank you! Thank you!! Thank you!!!

I am beyond grateful for my body's ability to retain its state of homeostasis. Our bodies work hard to maintain all that makes us run smoothly. When everything runs as expected, it is easy to take it all for granted. I'm grateful for life's little wake up calls to remind me to simply be grateful.

Today

July has truly felt like a renewed beginning within this little world of mine.

Lines in the sand cement have been drawn.

A date has been set.

Day by day I see evidence of moving towards my plan of action.

One transition triggered the next course of events.

At least a year ago, I uttered the words aloud to those who would be affected,

 "When 'A' happens, 'B' will follow."

'A' happened.

'B' is in the works.

It has been like a domino has tipped over within my heart, mind and soul.

Life and death and everything in between has been brought to the forefront of my thoughts.

Friends, families, relationships and connections have been highlighted in neon yellow.

Focus on today, 

move towards the tomorrow you envision, 

step outside and take in whatever lies before you.

Breathe ...

 

Life Hurts

When our bodies heal as they usually do and life resumes in an orderly fashion after being inconvenienced with aches and ailments that go away as they have done in the past, we are fortunate.

I have a recurring irritation that tends to heal itself but in the middle of the process I have started to wonder, "What if this is the time it doesn't go away?" It seems to be stress related and when my stressors subside so does my discomfort. What if those very stressors continued to stay on high alert?

In a valiant effort to save time, I was so very excited to book my flu shot and the latest COVID vaccination on the same day. The time it steals from my day is the biggest inconvenience but pretty painless all in all. Except when the day settles down and I stop moving my arms. Oooo. That hurt. I stretched and moved my arms until I went to bed and then I slept with a heated wheat bag which soothed me and my arm and served as a positive diversion from my attention to the pain which had found me. 

My hip started to ache at the tail end of a rather lengthy hike. That one kept me up at night. I stretched. I moved. I stretched some more. The next day it was not back to normal. I kept moving and carried on with my day. In the midst of this longer-than-usual discomfort, I wondered "Is this what starts to happen when one needs joints replaced?" I can't even remember if it lingered a little longer or not. Whether it lasted one day or two is not the point. The point is it fixed itself. I just kept moving and whatever may have been inflamed settled down on its own.

As I thought of recent minor ailments that have come and gone, this post was writing itself in my mind. Then it happened again. Out of the blue, after a completely normal day, at the day's end  my knee started to feel a little sharp pang (more like a ping) when I walked on it. I was careful not to irritate it but soon enough I was resting and soon asleep. End of story. Nope. I woke up this morning and the little pangs continued. Heat? No, my knee simply felt like it wanted a little support. I wrapped a tension bandage around my knee and if felt like a nice little hug. As I walked around and tended to my morning to-do-list, soon enough my knee was back to normal.

Sometimes I need to remove restrictions to avoid irritation. Other times I need a little constriction to feel a little extra support. Sometimes I can stretch it out. Other times a little extra heat does the trick.

I wonder if my minor maladies mirror what is going on with my mental state of being. Sometimes I feel too constricted. Other times I need bit of support. Sometimes I can keep moving and stretching my mind and my coping mechanisms. Other times I just need to cozy up and sleep it off.

In the middle of these discomforts I tend to forget they are temporary. My head knows this to be true but my inner child feels a little whiny and just wants to feel back to normal. Now.

Listening to our body. Listening to our thoughts. Listen. Try to feel what your body, mind and soul are telling you. This isn't a cure all but it is free of charge, no medicinal ingredients required and just another instance of sometimes having what you need is closer than you know.

I'm not a doctor. This is not professional advise. It is simply things that work for me when the chips are down. I think my body is doing just fine but my state of mind? It needs a little TLC from time to time.

Please take good care of yourself and let your body tell you what it needs. Call for medical advise when your body is screaming "Help!" but while waiting for relief see if your instincts are telling you how to manage things until medical aid is received.

Body Heal Thyself

The longer I live, the less I take this body for granted. The more often I hear of those whose body has started faltering and not working the way it used to, the more often I recognize and silently thank my body for simply doing what it has always done when it heals or recovers.

I once took an anatomy class and learned how each of our body organs has a purpose and if one organ is in jeopardy, the body automatically does what it can do to protect the major organs or take what it needs from other body functions to take care of what is in need. Hypothermia, burns, pregnancy all come to mind as I type those words. 

The more I learned about anatomy and how one organ failing could trigger a chain reaction that could either save a life or end it, I felt it was nothing short of a miracle when I awoke the next morning and everything worked as expected.

Growing older is something we all must adapt to one way or another. I find myself surrounded by people late in life (the result of finding myself later in life than I used to be) and I am accumulating a small wish list of what I hope for as the years unfold. Sometimes our state of mind can influence the state of aging but there is only so much we can control.

My sisters recall Dad commenting that with a heart attack (which he was genetically inclined to have), you go fast. Not like cancer where one could linger on. Sounds black and white. Until one has a major heart attack and is brought back from the brink of death without oxygen to the brain for longer than the brain can recover from. No one saw that coming.

Life is like that. We cannot become consumed in all of the ifs, ands and maybes. We can only deal with what we have and live our days as best as we can. When we wake up ready to face the day in manner we have become accustomed to, we are beyond fortunate. I am grateful for what I have. But I am equally sorrowful for those who are fighting to regain their equilibrium. 

Body heal thyself. It is but a small wish I wish for you. Today and all days.

Equation for Groundedness

What is the equation to finding one's personal sense of status quo? That place where one feels simply "okay" with life as they know it. Not a place of "happy". Simply that sweet spot where one feels grounded enough to go with the natural ebbs and flows of life.

Depression and mental health are often talked about subjects. Open conversation and education has made a vast difference in helping the general population recognize symptoms of heart failure, stroke, cancer and numerous physical ailments and saved an untold amount of lives. Mental health is at the forefront of what I see, read and hear a lot these days. For a person in crisis to know they are not alone and there are resources to help out is very likely saving just as many lives. 

I can only write from my personal experience with what I have deemed a "borderline depressive personality". I dip from highs and lows but live most days in that happy medium of mediocracy - good enough. At different ages and stages of life, my highs were higher and my lows were lower. I have gone from living in the sharp peaks and valleys of the mountains to a hilly existence. 

I appreciate the contrasts I live with. Feeling good feels great after a period of wading through the doldrums. Recently, I was quietly thinking that I missed feeling happy. That temporary euphoric state where one feels bubbly, smiley and good inside. Then I woke up one morning feeling just plain happy. It was a wonderful thing. Within twelve hours of feeling a low-key state of "happy", I felt an equal and opposite flip of moods. It wasn't awful. It was normal. It was as if I was was on the tail end of an adrenaline rush. Poof! Gone. Back to my status quo which felt a little lower than usual due to the variance. 

I talked myself down and through the plateau: "It's okay. This too, shall pass. Going from full on "full" to "back to normal" in a twelve hour period will do this. It is just a temporary adjustment and you will self correct."

What is the formula that has evolved over the course of time? At one time I may have felt like I was free-falling without a net. Experience, recognition of being here before, faith that the moment would pass and differing hormonal levels may all come into play. But essentially, what is MY contentment equation?

#1 - it is "contentment" I seek. Not happiness. Contentment is the level playing field where a temporary state of either happiness OR unhappiness can evolve.

#2 - contentment is actually secondary. Safety, having one's physical and financial needs taken care of, a state of physical health that is not worrisome is first and foremost. 

#3 - a sense of belonging is a fundamental need. Being and feeling like you are a part of community within family, friends, work/school/and any number of other social relationships is vital to the human existence

#4 - routine, a schedule, a need to be accountable. As much as we may long for a commitment-free life, is that what is best for us? I know I thrive on routine, comfortable little ruts that get me through the obligations of a day. As much as I long for a day off of all of the above, I never feel quite as good when I let a day slip through my fingers without doing more than turning on the TV.

#5 - nourishment and sleep. Food, water and sleep are essential to life. Good-for-you-food is best though perhaps one of the hardest things to reach for when I'm on a downward slide. A good night's sleep is elusive to many so I know I'm one of the lucky ones who can do nothing but sleep when life feels hard. Finding and being able to maintain the Goldilocks Zone of just the right amount of sleep is golden.

#6 - a sense of balance between all of my needs. Too much of anything is not a good thing for me no matter if it is too much work, too much free time, too much socializing, not enough socializing. I find there is a state of okay-ness if I have a good, healthy balance of work; leisure; solitude; people; new experiences; savoring the tried and true and the list goes on.

Balancing the demands of life can feel hard. I often wonder where I would be right now if my needs hadn't been secondary to providing for my children. Earning a living, creating and maintaining a home and living with those dependent on me has pushed me to be who I am and where I was meant to be. The need to be needed is a part of the belonging part of the following equation:

Safety/security + Belonging + Routine + Nourishment + Balance (of all of the above) = Feeling Grounded

Feeling Grounded = Contentment (a very good place to be)

The Gift of Recall

I was up to my elbows in sorting through the assortment of frozen food in our freezer when I suddenly wondered "Why am I here?"

I was immediately reminded of the moment when I was unpacking a load of groceries I took to my little home-away-from-home when I wondered "Where is the Shepherd's pie I packed?" I vividly remembered moving one frozen entree out of the way; I remembered we had two frozen Shepherd's pie meals; I remember the motion of choosing one of them. But it wasn't packed.

In both cases I was able to recall my answers the moment I revisited the scene. This reusable note we have taped inside a cupboard door (as a reminder that there is a thawed muffin inside the microwave) triggered the memory I had spotted a muffin in the freezer and had planned to take it out:

The frozen Shepherd's pie? I found it safely stashed inside the freezer door. My memory hadn't failed me. I had gone through the motions to pack it up and take it with me but simply forgot to follow through.

The gift of recall. The vivid pictures in our mind to help us back track and remember the sequence of events that brought us to the moment we are in, when we have forgot why we are there. 

It is a gift that shifts, alters and fades. Sometimes it is because we are overtired or our minds are on a million other things. We get distracted and forget. It seems to happen a little more as I age but every time I remember, I remind myself to be grateful.

The ability to recall a thought is a gift when we have it. It can be eroded slowly or gone in an instant. Brain injury comes in many different forms. Our brains are the core to our being. If we thought about it as much as we should, we may all be walking around in helments. 

Helmets and face masks. We need to protect what is important. Be careful out there.

Revelling in the Moment

My desire to write out loud has diminished along with my ambition, motivation and joy factor. As I woke up to a bright and shiny Saturday morning I felt a glimmer of all of the above return. Do I dare wonder why? Or do I simply revel in the moment?

I think I shall do a little of each.

What is right in the world today? The longest months of winter are behind us. Days are lengthening, the sun is getting a little stronger, we are on the other end of a cold snap and the sky has been blue for several days running.

Deduction: Sunlight matters. 

What have I done to make a difference? I have knocked several big jobs off my to-do-list within my job and personal commitments. I managed to accomplish several small tasks on the home maintenance list before the weekend [it may only be washing a few loads of laundry and vacuuming but I still call that a win right now]. All errands are run, the car is filled with gas, my personal accounting/books are up to date and our grocery supplies have been replenished.

Deduction: A sense of accomplishment matters.

Who have I spent time with? I am not alone. I share a roof with my adult child and two cats, for whom I am eternally grateful. I have a nice rotation of friends and family who I have semi-regular phone visits with. People who I miss visiting in person are on the other end of the phone line during this long spell of relative isolation. Our phone calls are the next best thing to "being there". The telephone connection has been a godsend.

Deduction: People and relationships matter.

What thoughts are going through my mind at this very moment? Gratitude. Simple and easy gratitude. For every milk, juice and container I emptied this morning, there was a replacement item sitting in its place. Functioning electricity is keeping our food frozen and our toes warm. My old and reliable car is getting me where I need to go. The roof over our heads is weathering all the conditions of the world around us and our city is providing all the services we need to keep our homes running as we expect.

Deduction: Appreciation and thankfulness matter.

How are we managing on all things health related? I know we are beyond blessed. I feel as fit as a fiddle [what an odd saying ... how does a fiddle stay fit?]. Family and friends are doing okay. This is a gift no matter what the time and place but as we continue to endure the-year-of-COVID, sustained good health is a global matter. Money can buy a lot of things, it can make a huge difference in countries where public health coverage is not a given but in matters of life and death money cannot buy a cure.

Deduction: Good health makes all the difference in the world.

The cycles of life ... the seasons ... the moon ... the hills and valleys of living life ... what we are living changes moment by moment. 

I am grateful for the return of the sun, the position of the moon, the fact I have made it to this particular plateau where I can simply sit and enjoy the view for a while. I hope to utilize this renewal period in a fashion where it continues to grow. 

My wish for you is the same. No matter where you may be on your own particular mountain, please tread carefully, stay safe, rest as needed, and when you are able, take the next forward step. ONE small step at a time gets us where we need to be. May you reach your next plateau, enjoy the view and continue on your journey. One small step at a time.

Sit with me and revel in the moment. No matter where you are, recapture your inner child where you simply see, feel, hear and breathe in the moment. The moment may bring you joy, it may break the façade you are portraying to the world and bring you to tears. Honor the moment no matter what it brings. Feel your feelings, let go of the need to be someone you think you should be. Just be "you". 

Just for this moment. Just revel with me ...

Know When to Walk Away (know when to call a professional)

Don't you love when the little things in life just fix themselves?

In the land of computer technology, often the best thing you can do is reboot, restart, walk away and come back later. I find this strategy works wonders with a lot of things.

At an impasse with an interaction that is going no where? Say no more. Keep your emotions out of it. Agree to disagree for the moment. Reboot. Restart. Come back later. The issue at hand is still on the table but a fresh perspective may be all it takes to make a difference.

Having trouble with a math problem? The more you stare it down, the less you see. Walk away. Think new thoughts. Come back later. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, the answer is staring you right in the face. I do this all the time with my Suduko puzzles. It amazes me every time that I couldn't see what was so obvious when I rebooted my brain.

I have used this strategy on health, car, appliance and home repair situations with varying degrees of success. 

Whenever overwhelmed, it is simply best to walk away, regroup, rethink and strategize. Some things fix themselves. Some things don't. 

Which leads me to my eyes ...

In this world of COVID and my lack of desire to go anywhere unless it is an absolute necessity, my eyes have been a concern a time or two.

The first time, it was an eye irritation? Inflammation? Infection (I don't think so)? The discomfort was real, long lasting and persistent. But at no time was I in extreme pain or overly worried.

I tried some eye drops my eye doctor had prescribed for an inflammation. After a week, my eye was worse instead of better. I read the side effects of the drops and hoped I hadn't done irreparable damage to my eye. Instead, I used eye lubrication drops. Day and night. I slept with the eye drops (I think it was the middle-of-the-night drops that made the difference). Thankfully, after three weeks, my eye situation rectified itself. I can still see and I am simply grateful for my eyes to continue working as they normally do.

This was soon followed by a white head looking growth on my bottom eye lid. Would this go away on its own? Get bigger? Was it an infection? I googled a little bit and decided to just let it be. The last thing I wanted to do was irritate it. 

Weeks came and went. I was grateful my little white growth was not growing. But it was not going away either. It did not interfere with my life as I was living it so I just chose to ignore it. I rebooted, restarted my thinking and just walked away.

You can imagine my surprise and delight when I looked at my reflection one morning and this little white growth had miraculously disappeared.

This instilled my belief in the healing powers of rebooting, restarting and walking away.

I do NOT recommend this strategy on all health situations. It has recently come to light that just going back to bed and sleeping it off could have cost a person their life. 

I am grateful for all situations where rebooting and restarting is the solution. This also does not work on broken computer hard drive. The answer there is to turn it off and call a professional. 

Know when to walk away. Know when to call a professional. If in doubt, call a professional. Better safe than sorry.

The Months of "No"

Shonda Rhimes' book "Year of Yes" was an inspiration to me. Her book was a testament to her year of "Yes" and the impact accepting life's invitations had on her life. 

I have tried the "Yes" way of life. It is fine. It has led me to places I would have never been before. It is both exhilarating and exhausting. It is hard. It is expensive. It goes against my naturally inherent introvert tendencies. The word "yes" depletes me as much as it enriches my life at times.

I have come to like the "easy yeses" instead.

I tried to come up with a list of "easy yeses" and my thought well ran dry. "Yes" does not come easy to me right now. I have been reveling in the COVID months of "No".

"No thank you" is my favorite go-to-response at the moment. 

As our world is gradually reopening there is a huge part of me that is screaming, "I'M NOT READY YET!!"

When I quizzed someone of the protocol about going out of province or whether having out of province guests would interfere with the ability to enter a retirement/senior living complex, they had to consult their books and came up with the response "As long as you aren't showing symptoms of COVID-19, you would be allowed access". My response to this was "Isn't it too late by then?" We both nodded our heads in agreement that the biggest risk was in spreading the virus while not showing symptoms. 

Due to the regular contact I have with my senior friends, I continue to be vigilant in my isolated little world. I don't get sick. Thus, I fear I could unknowingly spread a contagion to those who could be at risk. I continue to find reasons to say "No" to the invitations that are ever so slowly starting to reappear.

Where does paranoia start to overlap with common sense when it comes to the Coronavirus? Is my natural tendency to want to decline invitations being enabled by being able to label an excuse on it?

The reason I believe I am falling back on common sense is when it comes to invitations from family. It doesn't matter how depleted I feel, I equate interaction with my siblings to oxygen-for-my-soul. The answer is always, always, always "Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!".

This virus has beaten me down to a point where "No" is comfortable, safe, familiar, affordable and exactly where I most want to be.

I love the comfort weekends bring even more than I did during the B.C. (before COVID) days. I love parking the car Friday night and not starting it up again until I go to my aunt's on Monday.

I love, love, love working from home. I'm still having a little bit of trouble establishing boundaries but for the most part, my office-with-a-door offers most of the separation I need to keep work from infiltrating other areas of this oasis I call home.

I love the world of ordering online, free delivery or curbside pick-up. My heart clenches just a little before I enter a store-with-a-door. 

When I sat down with the words "the months of 'no' " at the tip of my fingertips this morning, my intent was to write of the lightness of heart I feel at living safely within the rules of isolation. Instead, the gravity of truth seeped out.

COVID-19, I truly appreciate the clarity, the isolation and lessons you have brought into our world. Personally, I am fortunate to say I have gained much more than I have lost though I know that is not the case for everyone. 

These months of "no" have been a holiday from life-as-I-know-it. It has been a reprieve from expectations. I know I must dip my toe back in the water and tentatively re-instate cautious "yeses" back into my world. The words "I'm not ready yet" have not yet been silenced. Perhaps there is a reason for that. Or maybe it is just an excuse.

One step in a forward direction, one step, one day at a time. Will take us where we need to go.

Feeling Angsty

I woke up with a good case of "angst" this morning. It seems to be coming at me from all directions and I don't quite know what to do but wonder if it is just the phase of the moon.

I woke up with the thought "Life could change on a dime". I can think of a few triggers for this ominous thought. Most of all I am berating myself for simply not appreciating life-as-I-know-it. Life is such a delicate, precarious balance of good, bad, stressful, easy, work, leisure, expectations ... and the list goes on and on. And on.

Lesson #1 - "When you wake up to a day that is much like the day you expect it to be, be grateful." There is much to be said for a day like every other.

I then started panicking about the way I've been handling my finances. "I should pretend I don't get one pay cheque and save it." Not only to build up my savings but to practise for the day when my income level will change. Life could change on a dime, you know!

Lesson #2 - take "work like you don't need the money" to a new level and "Work like you aren't getting paid for it - and SAVE!"

Then I got on my own case and berated myself for a project I started and put aside. I have mastered the art of procrastination. I have that quality within me so fine tuned I have forgotten that I have been putting off until next year (or the year after that), what could be done in small step-by-step increments.

Lesson #3 - "One small step in a forward direction will put you one step closer to your goal." Baby steps. One step at a time. Get 'er done, Girl!!

I felt my childhood regret of speaking out loud haunt me this morning. Did I write something or say something I shouldn't have? I labored over replying to a text last night because the words wouldn't come. I overthought something I may have written weeks ago. Coulda, shoulda, woulda kinds of thoughts prevailed.

Lesson #4 - "Just do your best. One day at a time." I can hear Mom tell me "Be careful what you put in writing" and I heed that advise to the best of my ability.

Good health should never be taken for granted. This goes right along with lesson #1 - waking up to a body that works as you have grown accustomed to expecting to is a gift like no other. Life can change on a dime. Prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

I take my circumstances for granted. I know I do. I wake up to a warm and cozy home, I jump out of bed and head into my day feeling nothing but a little groggy. I work for people I respect and admire and actually get paid for the privilege. I live in a state of feeling overwhelmed and depleted and don't replenish myself in the ways I could and should.

I do a few things right. I do my best. I endeavour to be kind to everyone. I am grateful.

I make mistakes. We all do. I try my best. But I still fail. I wake up every morning with the opportunity to try, try again.

I'm feeling angsty this morning. Perhaps because I woke up with the knowledge that I need to try a little harder today.

The Grand Finale of My 2019 Vacation

You know you are feeling a little over-extended when the highlight of your holidays is a colonoscopy.

Anything that follows that sentence is going to be in a "too much information" variety but suffice to say, I am beyond grateful that I must say no to any and all invitations for the next two days.

I am so looking forward to this mandated day of staying home. There is truly no place I would rather be.

I have just gone back to read the blog posts I wrote in the aftermath of this procedure five years ago to remind myself of the coming events. The words that spoke to me were "... a very good night's sleep, which followed approximately twelve hours of intermittent napping" after coming home feeling rather (very) impaired by the sedative.

Dare I admit that I am looking forward to turning off my brain and savoring a mindless day just as much as I am anticipating this day of confinement to my quarters?

Yes, it is a sad state of affairs when I consider this the grand finale of my 2019 vacation.

Day of Gratitude

This is a most perfect day to sit back and be grateful. I am home after a most excellent period of focusing on family, friends, gatherings and outings. I am home.

Family. Ours is a special and unique blending of personalities who support, encourage, care, share and laugh together. 

I have just returned home from my uncle's 90th birthday and spent the weekend with Dad's brothers, their wives and a few cousins. I am so very grateful I was there. Memories were made, laughter is still ringing in my ears and it was simply a gift to be present and accounted for, to celebrate and acknowledge a most incredibly special man.

My siblings and I have recently had a "Sibling Weekend" together. I don't take this sibling relationship for granted and I am grateful we nurture it by continuing to make time to get together. The easy camaraderie we share is a gift. As we parted ways to return back to our lives in progress, we tossed ideas into the air about "next time" ...

My own little family has been busy leading their own lives, doing their own thing and making their way. We haven't gathered as a family unit for a few months but a tentative un-birthday party to acknowledge all the birthdays that passed by without acknowledgement is in the works. We are still in the process of creating our own piece of family history together but we are off to a good start. I am grateful.

Friends. My uncle's 90th birthday party has me reflecting on the value of good friends. I was at the door as his guests arrived and heard a brief synopsis of how he met and how long he has known some of his friends. Alumni from his university days; people he had worked with; students he befriended; his "Little Brother"; friends through his volunteer work; friends he met through his partner. The common denominator was that all of these friends had a history. It was not uncommon to hear "I've known Harold for 40 [or more] years" or some variation of that throughout the gathering. He is 90 years old and 38 of his close friends gathered to acknowledge the day and there are those who couldn't attend but will come another time. Amazing.

I am blessed with an arsenal of good friends. Lasting relationships take time and investment. Although I don't see my friends on a regular basis I know the friendships are real because when we do get together, it is like picking up from where we last left off. My take-away from the weekend past, is to pick up a pen, send an email or even make the odd phone call. Friendship is a two way street and nurturing the friendships one already has is a very good place to begin.

Health. Mobility. Aging gracefully. These are the little things one takes for granted when you wake up and hop out of bed with ease. This is huge. I am grateful for all of the above. As it is with relationships, one must nurture what one already has. Eating better and moving more are two steps I can take to maintain what I already have.

Peace of mind. I have heard so many people's stories that involve a loved one battling with some variety of mental health. It seems to reach out and touch everyone in some way or another. So many words ... so little to say. It is a hard life out there. To wake up in the morning and feel like one can take on the day is a blessing beyond comprehension. I am grateful.

It has been a busy time and the gremlin inside my head keeps nattering negative little thoughts which has created a bit of an inner battle to fully enjoy all the gifts I've been given. I have taken that negativity, thrown it into the light of day and waged a war with it. I do believe I have tamed the negative Nellie within and I truly believe it all begins with gratitude.

I just want to say "Thank you". Thank you thank you thank you for all I have been given. My job here on earth is to appreciate and nurture everything I already have. I can do that. 

I love this day of open gratitude. What are you grateful for today?

"Happy Thanksgiving to all!!"

Life Lessons Are Not Easy

Some of life's lessons are easier than others. I have learned some things the hard way but I have been spared some of life's harsher lessons.

Mom's last year was a gift in so many ways. My availability to go out on a whim, stay when needed and extend those stays at times was something I never could have done in any other circumstance since the beginning of my working life.

I was given the gift of "flexibility" at exactly the right time.

While it was nice to be there at times when we were concerned about Mom being on her own, the best times were when I went out just for me. I was told Mom was doing okay. I could stay home. There was no need to go. But I went. I wanted to be there for the good stuff as much or more as the harder days.

I'm so glad I followed my instincts.

Mom and I had a lot of time to visit. I don't remember the details. I simply remember the feeling. There were times when it was light and easy. Other times were not. As much as I felt I said everything I needed to say, I heard everything I needed to hear.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. I would make some minor adjustments but overall, I wouldn't change a thing.

Mom was not a complainer. "I am not in any pain" was a common refrain as those in the medical field would ask her about her pain. She said she may not feel pain the way others do but she was able to alleviate most of her discomforts on her own.

Though Mom did not complain, her fuse became a little shorter as time went on. She could not have been feeling well. She was used to living alone and she shared her home so much of the time that little things were slipping out of her grasp.

My nature is to step back, give people their space to do and say what they need to do and say and as time has gone on I have tried not to take things personally. Easier said than done. Mom rarely, if ever, directed her frustrations towards me which made it so much easier to be "me".

Near the end, I wrote "I have discovered the best way through these little moments is to drop the conversation, don't push the point and feel the need to be right. Humor doesn't hurt if you can find a way to use it."

Unbeknownst to me at the time, I would be in circumstances where I would need to follow my own advise. When someone is not feeling well, they are not at their best. Give them room to be who they need to be. Try your best not to take it personally. Rinse and repeat as often as necessary.

Fast forward to the present day ...

My youngest son had his wisdom teeth pulled one week ago. He has been in some form of pain ever since. High grade pain, low gnawing pain and swelling which has advanced to sharp, shooting pains. You can see it in his eyes. He is not himself.

Add a slice of "life" - assignments looming, other pressures mounting, the inability to eat solid foods and it really should come as no surprise that it all came out in the form of frustration as to how I load the dishwasher.

My son and I don't argue. We have rarely had moments where someone needs to walk away. But rather than argue, that is what has been done in the past. The time I was angry over a paper shredding incident, he recognized that was not typical of me and went to his room. I apologized later. I gave him the same grace.

A short while later, he came up and apologized. I mentioned "all of the above" and that his ongoing pain was not helping matters. I suggested this to him and he raised an eyebrow acknowledging that he may or may not have added the pain factor to his frustration factor.

My lesson to him was "Remember this. This is how it feels to be in pain AND have life pulling on you from too many directions. Frustration is inevitable."

Remember this.

There may be a day someone directs their anger toward you and it is less about you and more about where they are coming from.

There is a story circulating the Internets that talks about when you bump into a person with a full cup of coffee, their coffee is spilt. The moral of the story is "What is in your coffee cup?" If your cup is full of joy, your joy spills over. If it is full of pain, anger, frustration, etc, that is what spills when you get bumped.

We cannot control what is in someone else's coffee cup. But we can try to offer compassion. I say "try" because we are imperfect beings in an imperfect world.

Life is full of lessons. Some of them are easier than others. Always look for the lesson. There is always something to be learned as we make our way through this thing called life.

Where Will I Be ...

My morning thoughts evolved into a state of wondering "Where will I be in ten years?" ... then twenty ... then thirty.

Ten years is easy. I have sisters who are nine and eleven years older than me. I remember Mom at their age. Mom always seemed young for her years. My sisters seem younger. I'm not saying I will seem younger than them but the moral to this paragraph is I believe I will be a vibrant, healthy and productive human being in ten years.

Twenty years is more illusive. I can remember snippets of what was going on in Mom's life when she was twenty years older than I am right now. She may have had pneumonia by this time. It was the first time I remember coming face to face with the fact Mom was a mortal human being. She bounced back as if nothing had happened, adopted some new eating/living strategies and proved how resilient she was.

Mom was an independent, determined soul. Her advise to me was "surround yourself with younger people". She didn't mean those of the daycare age I had been tending. She was steering me towards surrounding myself with young minded adults who were not obsessed with aging, health issues, talk of death and dying. Live while you are young and as you age, surround yourself with youthful people was what I heard.

Thirty years from now, I will be on the cusp of what ended up being Mom's final year with us. Even when her health became more worrisome, she fought hard for her independence and to remain in her home.

I look at the way she lived that year. She accepted our presence when the chips were down but the moment she started feeling more like herself she sent us home and we all carried on life as we knew it.

I remember Mom bracing me to accept the news would not be good when she went to the hospital. She was giving me advance warning to prepare for the worst. It is not good. And it wasn't. But it wasn't as dire as Mom thought. She lived seven more months. She slowed down. She ate what she could. She did her very best to follow doctor's orders. She read. She had her favorite spots in the sun (her living room couch in the winter; her sun room in the summer). "I am not in any pain" was Mom's common refrain throughout the months that followed her diagnosis.

Mom died the way she lived. On her own terms. In her home until her (almost) final days. Her last chat with us had us laughing. A coin phrase we had adopted through some of my last visits with Mom was (because I tend to be a long winded soul who uses too many words to say very little), "And that's all I have to say about that". After our final family meeting with her doctors (who had been focusing far too heavily on talk about her health), when she had spoken her piece and said all that needed to be said, she looked over at me and asked, "What would Forrest Gump say?"

"That's all I have to say about that."

Very few words were spoken after that conversation and I believe that is how Mom would have wanted it. She went out on a high note. I remember that serious conversation with lightness in my heart.

Where will I be in thirty years? I hope I am in a place where I have enough of Mom's spirit within me to look up and out of myself and into the lives of others. I don't want to feel lost in my own thoughts and worries. I want to read in a sunbeam, soak up the moments and feel I have everything to live for.

Mom left me with many conversations to ponder. I hope I never forget her wisdom and adopt the feisty part of her that made her who she was.

We had our final conversation with Mom two years ago today. It is fading but I remember the feeling. We were ready. Mom was ready. She had said all she had to say. And that's all I have to say about that.

The Gift of an Unremarkable Life

Wow! That is all I can think to say. When we wake up to a day, knowing our body, mind and soul connections are all intact, life is good.

I spend my days with seniors. Yesterday had some particularly poignant "senior moments".

How does it feel to be living within a body that is wearing out? When one's mind is keen but the body begins to fail, it must be a hard thing for the mind to reconcile.

How does it feel to live within a body that is weathering the years pretty well but the mind begins to fail? Memories from long ago remain but what happened a few minutes ago is lost. The awareness of the loss of those short term memories and impending loss of independence must be hard for a failing mind to take in.

How does it feel to make plans to be with a life long friend for an upcoming date but that friend dies before you make it out to see them? You do all the right things, you keep in touch with people who are part of your life, but life and death happens. You must learn to follow your instincts, to follow through with hope but be prepared for anything.

The truth of the matter is that any of the above could happen to any one of us at any time. No one is immune to the wear and tear of a body, an unexpected accident, a brain injury or the certainty that tomorrow will unfold in the manner in which we expect.

As I live my quiet little repetitive life, I hope I never ever forget to be grateful for each day that unfolds much like the day that preceded it. Minor inconveniences, mood swings and unexpected twists and turns are much like the weather. Life happens and there is little one can do to control the outcome of the "big stuff". We just need to remind ourselves to be grateful for an unremarkable day.

By "ourselves", I mean "me". I have had some pretty minor inconveniences taking up space in my brain lately. I feel pretty fortunate to have what I have. For as long as I get to hold onto "this", I shall come back to this thought and remind myself of the options. As my wise mom once said, "Things are never so bad that they couldn't be worse".

Life is good. It is very, very good. Things are never so good that they couldn't be better is the flip side of Mom's quote. So I will just keep my eye on the present day and accept it for what it is. A gift.

What If ...

What if that which you were complaining about the most was gone in an instant? No warning. No time to prep. Simply "poof"! And it was gone ...

Discontentment on the job? What if one arrived to work one morning and you were greeted with your final pay cheque and the statement, "We no longer require your services"? The end.

A child who was causing grief, worry, anxiety and general overall frustration? What if they were in a car accident and didn't survive? Your worries would be replaced by grief (and very likely a good dose of guilt).

A marriage/relationship that you couldn't see your way out of? What if they walked out the door and never came back? No room for discussion. Over.

Never ending maintenance on your home? What if it burned to the ground, taking all your worldly possessions (and maybe a cat or two) with it. No more maintenance required.

Speaking of cats, what about the (seemingly) infinite amount of cat hair you cannot keep on top of? What if the cat(s) died? Sure, you'd have cat hair for a while but wouldn't you feel completely different about knowing it was the last of its kind? No more cat = no more cat hair.

You can't find what you are looking for in a grocery store? What if the suppliers stopped supplying their wares and there was a shortage or rations over what was available to purchase?

The price of gas is soaring? What if that gas wasn't even available?

You wake up with a crick in your neck or back? What if you woke up in the morning and couldn't get out of bed?

A bad hair day? What if your hair started falling out and never grew back?

A disrupted nights sleep because of an excessive amount of noise? What if you couldn't hear?

I sit here and think of all the minor things which have been taking up valuable real estate in my mind and I can talk myself down off of every cliff if I think of of I ask myself the question: "What if this problem was taken away from me without warning?"

I had a very restless sleep last night. I kept waking up. I kept turning on Greys Anatomy to turn off my thoughts and tune into a fictional story line. I kept waking up. I kept turning on Greys.

I didn't have the ability to stay awake more than a minute and a half before I fell back into a light slumber so I kept rewinding and replaying the same episode. It was the episode where the hospital was in danger of being sold for scrap and the entire staff would be laid off. If that deal fell through "There would be no money for payroll ..."

It was like I was hit by a truck right in my own bed. What if I walked into work and was told exactly that fact. What if I was told "Effective immediately, your services are no longer required because [insert any reason here]"?

I woke up and my thoughts immediately went to the list of exterior house maintenance I am having taken care of this year. I have fast forwarded my cash flow situation so I can look at the long term and plan how to afford this endeavor. The ability to plan relies solely on the fact that I earn not only one pay cheque, but two. If my income was slashed in half, I may have half the stress I'm currently contending with but it would be replaced by new worries.

Would I rather adapt to the conditions in which I'm presently living with? Or start from scratch and be faced with an entirely unexpected set of troubles?

It happens every day. People get laid off. Accidents happen. People walk away. Houses burn to the ground. Pets die. Good health deteriorates.

We often take what we have for granted. It is good to remind yourself (and by "yourself", I am referring to "me") that things could change in an instant. What if ...

The Domino Effect

The littlest of things have been generating a great deal of gratitude within my week thus far.

A few days ago, for some unknown mysterious reason, I decided to put my sweater in the car as I walked across the street, heading into to Part II of my work day. The automatic door lock didn't work. Neither did the spare key fob. In that moment, I knew. I had left the car lights on and the battery was as dead as a door nail.

Luckily, this didn't happen at the end of my day. Thus, this minor inconvenience was tucked neatly into my day and not tacked on at the end. Secondly, it was a mild and warm-for-January kind of day. The tow trucks were not busy and I didn't have to wait long.

I felt SO fortunate, as I paid my $42.00 boosting surcharge.

Timing is everything.

As I crawled out of bed this morning, I simply felt gratitude. Waking up in your own bed, in your own home, facing a day that is mundane and predictable is a gift.

I scratched our cats' heads and simply loved them. I went through the morning rituals I have created and simply felt a renewed appreciation.

Waking up to a regular, unremarkably ordinary day is something you don't appreciate until you no longer have it. Today, I appreciated it even more.

I'm making decisions about taking on a house renovation when in reality, this is the last thing in the world I should be doing.

Yet, I feel Mom's urging. She would be happy I'm finally doing this. I know I will not regret it. The decisions I have made thus far have been easy. I'm not fighting the current. I'm being pushed along.

My fear of spending, renovating, changing and taking on this renovation of massive proportions is being superseded by the comfort of knowing if a decision is easy to make, it is right. This would have Mom's nod of approval.

Moving on, despite "everything" is a healthy distraction. Despite it all, I'm moving on. I'm moving through.

My heart is aching for those who are not waking up to a remarkably unremarkable day, in their own bed, in their own home, without a cat's head to scratch to keep them grounded.

It feels as though a domino has been toppled and everything is happening as it is meant to be. Despite what is going on within the fringes of my life, I'm moving on and through...

I have no idea what this day will bring. I can only hope for the best. If I was a person who prayed, I would say a prayer right about now. What I feel, think and live feels as strong as any prayer.

Praying for just another ordinary day for those around me. Is that too much to ask?

No Regrets

Do the next right thing.
Show up.
Listen.
Care.
Have no regrets.

These are the subconscious rules that guided me once before. These guidelines did not steer me wrong.

I'm walking this path again. This time I am not alone.

I have to guide my son down this path. Be by his side. Do the next right thing. Show him the way. I don't know much, but I do know one must make choices so one has as few regrets as possible.

Life teaches us what we must know to take the next step. I didn't want to know this much...

January Blues

January is fast becoming my least favorite month of the year.

I thought I had circumvented the nastiness that January has to dole out by deciding "now" was a good time to take on a house renovation. I am knee deep in decisions at this very moment. I have talked to four people who are getting back to me with estimates. I simply want to make a decision and be done thinking. 

Moving the contents of our main floor into our basement sounds like a piece of cake compared to all of this decision making. 

My annual check up is behind me for another year. Apparently I've only gained half a pound since last year at this very same time. They told me I lost 10 cm around my waist. They are wrong. My waist measurement is holding steady. I feel at least ten pounds heavier. I believe there has been a redistribution of weight happening. My body is undergoing its own renovations. I would like to talk to the contractor. I don't like how this new look feels on me.

My head was bouncing all over the map thinking all these inconsequential thoughts. Meanwhile, out there are people dealing with life altering news. This seems to be the time of year when that happens. At least to some of the people who touch my world.

I want to move our belongings downstairs, hire someone to make all the decisions, do the work and call me when its over.

Deciding on flooring, paint colors and "the best painter for the job" is a walk in the park compared to the decisions others are facing ...

A Night in the Life ...

Eating to stay awake is something I do well and I do it a lot. Staying awake so I can eat, however? Totally different story.

I have my annual check up today and I don't like to make two trips, so I asked what fasting may be necessary so I would be able to get any blood work done immediately. Their answer sounded so simple. "No food or liquids ten to twelve hours before the test." Easy. Right? Except they added the dreaded words "But do not go longer than twelve hours without food because that could affect the test results."

Simple. I had to eat at 10:00 last night.

Then the night came. It was 7:00 and I was tired. So tired. Normally, I would snuggle up on the couch with my chips and eat until I fell asleep. Amazingly enough, I can't eat very long because I fill up faster than I used to. Thus, my conundrum.

I couldn't eat before 10:00 because I needed to be hungry enough to eat something. AND I had to stay awake until 10:00. I felt like I was a competitor on a survival show. Stay awake. Don't eat. Then eat at 10:00 and you win your prize. You get to go to bed!

It was one of the longest, hardest nights. I made it to 9:55 and started pouring the milk on my cereal. Surely to goodness if I finished eating by 10:03, that would be close enough. Right? I hope so.

A late night with the added complication of no coffee this morning has me longing for bedtime tonight. I may just come home from this appointment and sleep for a while.