Spiralling

I'm in a thought spiral this morning, so I reverted to my old ways of managing the words spinning around in my head. I grabbed a pen and paper. 

Seeing the words on a piece of paper has a way of taming them. You can see you aren't thinking about a million different things - you are more likely to be thinking of a small number of things in a million different ways.

I started with the topic front and foremost in my mind, made bullet points about my thoughts, concerns, potential action plans and what was or wasn't within my control.

I came up with eight main focuses of concern. Five of these are ongoing. Three are new. Some are inter-connected (ie: our cat's chronic mucous-spewing sneezing is impacting my house-keeping abilities). Money is a common thread throughout most of my ongoing worries.

Note the white spots - I have discovered our cat's mucous bubbles up when sprayed with hydrogen peroxide. This is a section of the floor I washed up after supper last night. The knowledge that this is all over our floors, walls, doors and furniture is causing great angst. 

Work is taking up the number one spot of my anxieties, inter-connected with and followed closely by money. This is not a surprise. I have taken action and handed in my notice, which has compounded the troubles instead of lessening them.

I started a clean page titled "TODAY". I itemized that which must be done, will be done and can be done today. 

Breaking things down into manageable pieces. It is about all we can do. It is what we must do in order to take the next step forward.

I admit that "shower" is one of the items on today's to-do-list. These must-do items may be as small as that which, depending on the day, is a big thing. 

I endeavor to keep my regular list of must-do's pretty basic:

• Get out of bed
• Make the bed
• Wash my glasses
• Make my morning smoothie/coffee
• Wash my smoothie glass/coffee cup
• Clean cat litter/refresh cat water

That's it. I make it a rule to keep my bed made, the kitchen counter and sink empty and clean, tend to our cats and THEN do one hard thing at a time.

Work is hard. Extra-curricular housecleaning is hard. Running errands, leaving the house, going to appointments are all hard. Some phone calls are hard. 

Lately, when the going gets tough, the tough turns on Netflix. So you know what? I gave myself the gift of one more month of grocery delivery. For the small cost of $9.96 per month, I can let someone else shop, pack up and deliver my groceries for me. Winter has finally arrived and our temperatures have dipped to -28º this morning. I will forfeit something else in order to allow myself this indulgence.

What gift to you give yourself when the going gets tough? We all need a little something to pick us up at times. Give yourself a break today. You deserve it.

Joy Spotting

I have stepped back from writing until I could refocus and see life through a different lens. Is it a coincidence that I started spotting joy after an eye appointment yesterday? Are my new glasses helping me see everything better? Perhaps ...

I didn't get my new (replacement) specs until the end of my eye appointment, which was followed by a dentist appointment a few hours later.

After turning the ringer off on my phone, I purposely looked up. I watched and listened to my surroundings. 

The first thing I focused on was a family of three - a mom and three children. One makes a lot of assumptions when people watching and I found myself believing these three were siblings and the adult was the mom. What I saw, was three children simply being themselves. 

The oldest hovered in the toy/book area with the youngest. The youngest was captivated by the books. Putting one away before pulling out another, sitting at the child sized table and taking in all there was to see within the pages. No hurry. Simple enjoyment. The middle child sat on the mother's knee. 

Each child was content in the moment they were in. The child who appeared to need the closeness of a parent was not being forced to join the others, go play or even be any further away from comfort than they needed to be. The oldest was not engaged in an active caregiver roll. My impression was that the oldest was kind of grateful for a younger sibling which gave them the excuse to play with the toys. The youngest was content in their independence, yet secure in the knowledge they were not alone. Siblings, comfort and safety was an arm's length away.

Bliss. Pure bliss. To watch a young family simply "be" together. 

Meanwhile, other patients were checking in and I simply sat back and absorbed the light rapport and kindnesses that were volleyed back and forth between patients and receptionists. Good manners, good humor, gentle words lightly seasoned with laughter. 

It was nothing. But it was everything.

The past three years, I have ventured out of the house as little as possible. When I did leave the security of home, I was armed with a face mask, hand sanitizer and a very healthy dose of physical distance between those inhabiting the same space. Many others wore similar armor. 

We can witness people's smiles again. Children can play with toys and books in a public space. The underlying fear of exposure to a force we could not see but was evidenced all around us has abated.

As I sat back and simply inhaled the moments watching people be people, I refocused on the joy of simple pleasures. People being people. Together. 

When we isolate ourselves and our main source of information is the news and news feeds we invite into our existence, we are seeing only a very narrow vantage point of an entire panoramic view. 

When our personal lives become focused on that-which-is-out-of-our-control, it is extremely hard to find the courage to let go and let life unfold. Life is a delicate house of cards. When we think we know the forecast, we try to find a way to manage the aftermath. Even when we aren't certain of the chain of events that may or may not take us down that road.

I have become hyper-focused on far too many situations that are out of my control. When I left the house yesterday, looked up and into the world and focused on the moment I was in. It was good.

It is time to focus on joy again. 

Worst. Day. Ever.

**Please note: everything is relative. I lead a very easy life so "worst days" for me are truly not all that bad. This I know. Everything that follows this disclaimer is written from my own personal perspective on one particular day.**

Have you ever had a turning point in your day when you realize in hind sight, that you should have just walked away and tried again another day?  Me too.

This particular challenging day began with the best of intentions. Everything was going well so I decided to do just one quick thing as I tied up my work day at home and headed out to my out-of-house employment.

"I'll just do this [one thing] so I'm all set to go for tomorrow", I thought to myself with a self satisfied sigh.

That "one thing" did not go well. Technical difficulties at every turn. Trouble shooting tips from Google led to one, two, three, four and more different attempts to salvage the mission at hand. Then I had to leave the house.

Walking away from a challenge is often one of the best things one can do. Rebooting the computer is another favorite standby of mine. I did both. "Everything's gonna be okay" I told myself time and time and time again.

Then I made the mistake of going back to try to solve this after I got home from work. I often say that anything I do or say after 6:00 p.m. is equivalent to driving while under the influence of alcohol. I do not function on an intelligent level after the magic hour of 6:00 at night. I call it "impaired speaking".

Yet, I decided to try to fix a mind boggling technical issue after 7:00 p.m. Then I involved a second computer. What was I thinking?!??

Things went from bad to worse. I tried every trouble shooting mechanism known to me at the time. I tried, tried and tried again. I rebooted computers more often than I washed my hands that day. Reboot. Restart. Walk away. Try, try again.

I'm starting to see why I kept going back to relationships that didn't work for me - I used the same strategy.

After a long, frustrating evening I finally turned everything off and assured myself that I would wake up in the morning and on a fresh, clean, rested brain I would solve all the technical computer issues at hand.

Sure enough, I woke up with a brand new and shiny plan. A new day. A fresh start. Onward ...

Then things went from bad to worse. And even worse yet. I even messed up my online grocery order in an irreparable way. Even my email program defied me. Outbound messages sat in the Outbox folder and refused to go anywhere.

Everything I touched went awry. I couldn't even get one computer to turn on. These are not my computers. I was panicking, anxious and didn't know which way to turn.

The feeling of angst and helplessness I had were akin to the worst days of my life when I had no idea which way to turn. Those were the days I crumbled to the ground, looked upward and whispered, "Help me ..."

It is at those times when things feel like they cannot get any worse that can become the much needed turning point.

Some people pray. I called my Computer Guy.

I told him my story. I warned him it was a long one with many twists and turns. I started to talk. He listened. Then he started to reply. I responded, "But there is more ..." I kept telling my tale. He kept thinking I was at the end of my story. I kept saying, "But there is even more ..." This cycle repeated at least three times. Maybe four.

"Can you help me over the phone? I will pay you for your time. I will do anything." I implored. Unfortunately the damage I had done was more than an amateur troubleshooter like me could handle. This was a job for a professional.

This is the part of the never ending story where the soundtrack changes to a light and hopeful tone. The sun comes out, melts the snow, there is a twinkle in the skies above and up drives my Computer Guy. I'm pretty sure he was wearing a superhero cape.

He called before he arrived so I could put the troubled computer on our doorstep so we adhered to all COVID-19 distancing requirements. I was inside the house, he was outside, we spoke, then he drove off on his white stallion (okay, it was only a car) and the heaviness of the day was lifted off my shoulders.

I turned around, tried reloading the program that started all the trouble on a new program on my own personal computer ...

While it was loading, my online grocery order had enough time on its own to allow me to go back and salvage the many errors of my ways.

The computer program loaded successfully and I was able to complete the mission I had set out to do 24 hours prior.

Twenty four hours. It took one full day. Suddenly my Worst. Day. Ever. turned into the Best Recovery I could have ever hoped for.

Everything that went sour turned on its haunches and turned out okay.

It all works out in the end. If it doesn't work out, it is not yet the end. 

~ slightly paraphrased from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

I know this "worst day ever" was a walk in the park compared to the realities going on all around us. I know this. Yet I couldn't stop the spiraling anxiousness and feeling of being overwhelmed. 

Yesterday felt like I was a contestant on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. I used all my lifelines. It turns out "calling a friend (aka: a computer professional)" was a game changer for me. 

In these days of isolation, confinement, health, family and financial worries DO use your lifelines. "Calling a friend" may be a game changer for you too.

Dream Sequence Analysis

I woke up to a dream sequence that was all over the map this morning. A little bit like my thoughts as I wake up to this frosty, freezing rain kind of Friday.

Thoughts of my car repair saga equalled the dream of driving a newer car I had borrowed from someone. I didn't like it. I didn't like it one little bit. Visibility was poor. I just wanted to get to my destination and back safely.

Thoughts of our pending street closure/water maintenance had me dreaming that I driving past obstacles in this borrowed car. Visibility was poor AND there was unexpected debris on the road. I just wanted to get past the obstacles.

Thoughts of my disjointed, disrupted and unproductive work day yesterday led to the dream of my daycare days. A daycare mom was concerned over her daughter's care and she didn't trust me. She kept dropping in at unexpected times to ensure her daughter's well being. I was trustworthy even when no one was watching.

Thoughts of my youngest son's university challenges was at the core of the dream where he was back in elementary school and I was allowing him to miss school because he slept in. So I took control and drove him to school in the borrowed car from my dream, in my pajamas, dodging traffic/children/debris. I just wanted to be the parent he needed to guide him along the way.

Thoughts of my middle's son quest to further his education had me dreaming that my son asked if he could move home temporarily due to a new responsibility at work. Which morphed into my concerns over his farm and he showed me an elaborate system of keeping his "livestock" (dogs/cats/rabbits) fed and watered in his absence. My middle son is fully capable, independent and doesn't need me. I still want to be there in the ways I can.

Then came the part of the dream that was about our cats and pillows. An excess of pillows. Cats were hiding under them. Cat hair had to be dealt with before I could store the pillows. Cats and pillows - just a part of my every day reality and where I place an extraordinary amount of my energy.

Back to reality now. To make a long story short, I live a good life.

If one leads a life that can be summed up in concerns where we want to get beyond life's roadblocks; make it home safely; peace of mind that we are all doing our best one day at a time, one has little to worry over. Except for the eternal car, cat and pillow thoughts of the moment I couldn't ask for more.

P.S. My car windshield wiper fluid repair was minor - it needed a hose. The rear defrost however is a bigger issue - the only repair they could offer was getting the entire rear window replaced. As I drive to work this morning on icy roads, I will be reminded how fragile this car's life is. What if this car was in an accident? Money must be spent accordingly. More thoughts to ponder in my sleep...

Back in the Driver's Seat

I finally took all my thoughts that had been cycling and recycling around and around in my head and on the pages I've been writing and acted.

I acted. I didn't react. I acted.

I have been whining about my car and how I didn't feel it was winter worthy. Should I spend thousands of dollars on new struts, shocks, tires and a windshield? Or should I buy a new-to-me used car?

My thoughts bounced back and forth and all around. Around and around they went. The more the same thoughts cycled around in my head, the dizzier I got. The dizzier I got, the less capable I felt to make a decision. Any decision.

Then I thought "What do I have to lose to ASK if the stone chip in my windshield can be fixed [after waiting all summer to decide what to do]?"

I asked. They answered. The answer was "Yes, we can still fix this".

Next came the tires. I did not want to spend a lot of money on a car that I have already spent more on repairs and maintenance, than I did on the car itself. Then I (finally!) remembered. "Hey! I have snow tires in the garage!"

I've never had snow tires before this car. I got this car at the end of December. It had snow tires. I still slid through intersections, even when driving at a snail's pace. I still spun my wheels trying to take off from a corner, even when I accelerated slowly. I didn't see one advantage to having snow tires when my previous car drove (what felt to me) exactly as this car did, with snow tires. So I never used those tires again.

Fast forward to this year. My existing tires will need to be replaced soon. I don't want to invest in new tires for my old car. I have a full set of winter tires sitting in the garage. I asked my friendly, neighborhood mechanic to switch the tires knowing they would assess the winter tires before changing them. They told me the winter tires are like new. My old tires have 30% of their tread left.

I am now driving my new-to-me old car and feeling as good as I can about the upcoming winter season.

I didn't break the bank to put myself in this position. I used what I already had and fixed what was already there.

I had a few errands to run before I went to work yesterday. I saw two accidents on the opposite side of the freeway I was driving on. Knowing the traffic was just starting to back up on the side of the road I would need to travel after I ran my last errand, I looked up and the traffic was at a standstill. I took the back roads to my final destination. As I drove, I heard the traffic report "There are two accidents ... [on the stretch of road I had just avoided]".

I still slid through one intersection and a stop sign in a parking lot, as I was travelling at just over 0 km per hour. It's slippery out there!

Even with my winter tires, I know I could easily be in an accident this time of year. I'm driving as safe as I can, leaving lots of room between me and the cars ahead of me. But no one plans to have an accident. I am very relieved I will be driving the car I'm in right now. A car that is not worth a small fortune and a car I have not just spent a small fortune on.

I have spent my money wisely. I feel as safe as I can feel now that winter, wind, snow and ice have descended upon us. Yes, I wish I was working from home right about now. But since I'm not, I have done the best I can do with what I have.

I have accepted the things I cannot change. I have changed the things I can. I feel back in the driver's seat again.

Negative Nellie, I am So Done With You!

In the interest in "burying the lead" and ensuring my last blog post isn't the first one to appear on this blog I must find something light and breezy to write.

I pulled out the scrap of paper with all the blog ideas I had but didn't have time to write. 

• "Holidays never felt so hard"
• "So sick of worrying about things that don't happen"
• "Waiting for everything to be out of my hands"
• "Inner Margaret" (the need to find joy and leave the rest behind in the nearest ditch)
• "Never looked forward to a colonoscopy so much"

Hmmm ... apparently I did need a little holiday. I was sounding a little angst-y in the weeks that preceded my vacation this year. It is apparent to me now, that there may have been a reason none of those blog ideas materialized.

I hope to dig the positive out of the negative now that I'm back in the land of living my life. The Negative Nellie in my mind must move over. She has had her say and now it is time to take back the reins and steer my thoughts in a more light hearted direction.

Morning Pages

Julia Cameron will be speaking at a writing workshop I will be attending. My friend once mentioned the "morning pages" Julia perscribes as part of the journey to finding your way, so I skimmed through the pages of my new book by Julia until I found the chapter on morning pages.

Julia suggests writing your morning thoughts on three, 8-1/2 by 11" pages of long hand writing. What you write doesn't matter. It is simply a matter of purging your thoughts in long hand. Every morning.

I read this chapter yesterday morning and decided to write three pages then and there. They were not my early morning thoughts but they were still morning thoughts. I thought the best way to start a habit is "now". So that is what I did.

Last night, I sat my journal with my favorite new pen slid into the coils beside my bed so I could simply wake up and write.

I forgot I was going to do this until my waking thoughts started sounding like to-do-lists and I thought "Hey! I should write this down!!" So I did.

I'm not sure if I like how I sound in the morning. It has only been one true morning of writing the thoughts I think upon waking so I am curious to see how this journey goes.

Three pages of long hand writing is time consuming. I woke up some time after 5 a.m. and I didn't finish my morning writing assignment until 5:46. It is now 7:30 and I could use just a little more sleep before I plunge into the day ahead of me.

After two days of writing I have already noticed something. When my thoughts are centred in the past or the future, I feel ill at ease. It is when I am living in the moment I am in when I feel content.

Then again, there is nothing quite like focusing on the moment you are in when your hand starts cramping after writing three pages without the aid of a keyboard.

Life is full of lessons. Perhaps the lesson I am learning is focusing on the moment I'm in. Letting go of regret and worry is key to a healthy state of mind. This is why gratitude is crucial to this illusive thing called "happiness". The state of being grateful aligns the past, present and future into thoughts that are more cohesive and focused in the moment.

I think I need to gaze out the window and watch nature for a while. That exercise brings me back into the moment in a way I enjoy the most.

This is far too deep for early morning thoughts. I need to leave those on my three pages of long hand and leave the light and frivolous for "here".

Morning Thoughts

"Decluttering your mind" - these are the words that spoke to me loudest in my morning stroll through the Interwebs in a quest to reroute my thoughts. The blog which caused me to pause is "Be More With Less"; the post that caught my attention is "One Simple Way to Declutter Your Mind". The following ideas are not my own but I like this take on putting worries to rest.

I have read time and time again, that gratitude is key to healthy, happy living. I wholeheartedly believe this to be true. Counting my blessings, especially during tough times has been my coping mechanism for forever. 

As grateful as I feel for that which I have within my life, anxiety continues to plague my thoughts. I can talk myself down from most anything but life is not perfect. As much as I can try to interject a wide view perspective of that which feels unjust and hurtful, my heart still carries the weight of some days long after the moment has passed.

What is suggested in the article I read, is to write down the thoughts that are cycling through your mind before you go to sleep at night. Write it out. Good, bad or anything in between. Then give yourself permission to let it all go and revisit this list in the morning.

I have done this unintentionally on a few occasions. The days that haunt me. The words I can't say out loud. I write them down, feel them, read them from a wide angle lens for perspective. Thoughts cycle around and around and around in my mind. Thoughts feel bigger than they are when unspoken, just as a small ball of snow rolled around in the snow long enough becomes big enough to make a snowman.

I have used writing as a tool to regain my perspective, come up with a plan of attack and simply cope for as long as I can remember. But I have never consciously written down my thoughts with the intent of emptying my mind for a good night's sleep. Then revisiting them in the light of day.

The first light of the morning often brings clarity to that which is weighing you down. My best ideas, answers and plans of attack are clearest in the dawn of a new day.

That said, my heart is heavy this morning. I don't know why. The morning sun did not work its magic for me. I have to leave the house today. I want to stay home.

This morning feels hard. This too shall pass. I know this is true. One forward step at a time. I will make my way to another weekend. A weekend without my roofer elves upon my roof (they are back this morning for their third and final day).

I do believe I'm in the midst of a long weekend hangover. A hangover that consists of a list of all I hoped to do, with little-to-nothing crossed off that list. It is time to create an action plan.

I wrote those words and immediately thought to myself "I need a holiday" and looked ahead at the calendar and dared to dream.

I don't need to go anywhere. I have no desire to run. I simply want to be home. I want to stay home and savor my mornings, knowing I can revel in those early morning moments for as long as they last. Perhaps take some day trips. Visions of an elastic band which expands and contracts, always bringing me back home wafts through my mind as I dare to dream ...

I spotted our neighborhood rabbit this morning. I haven't seen this guy for a very long time. I have been watching, waiting and hoping to spot the rabbit(s) that hop through our streets. I want to be still and watch nature unfold before my eyes.

And how is your Tuesday-after-the-long-weekend feeling? 

What If ...

What if that which you were complaining about the most was gone in an instant? No warning. No time to prep. Simply "poof"! And it was gone ...

Discontentment on the job? What if one arrived to work one morning and you were greeted with your final pay cheque and the statement, "We no longer require your services"? The end.

A child who was causing grief, worry, anxiety and general overall frustration? What if they were in a car accident and didn't survive? Your worries would be replaced by grief (and very likely a good dose of guilt).

A marriage/relationship that you couldn't see your way out of? What if they walked out the door and never came back? No room for discussion. Over.

Never ending maintenance on your home? What if it burned to the ground, taking all your worldly possessions (and maybe a cat or two) with it. No more maintenance required.

Speaking of cats, what about the (seemingly) infinite amount of cat hair you cannot keep on top of? What if the cat(s) died? Sure, you'd have cat hair for a while but wouldn't you feel completely different about knowing it was the last of its kind? No more cat = no more cat hair.

You can't find what you are looking for in a grocery store? What if the suppliers stopped supplying their wares and there was a shortage or rations over what was available to purchase?

The price of gas is soaring? What if that gas wasn't even available?

You wake up with a crick in your neck or back? What if you woke up in the morning and couldn't get out of bed?

A bad hair day? What if your hair started falling out and never grew back?

A disrupted nights sleep because of an excessive amount of noise? What if you couldn't hear?

I sit here and think of all the minor things which have been taking up valuable real estate in my mind and I can talk myself down off of every cliff if I think of of I ask myself the question: "What if this problem was taken away from me without warning?"

I had a very restless sleep last night. I kept waking up. I kept turning on Greys Anatomy to turn off my thoughts and tune into a fictional story line. I kept waking up. I kept turning on Greys.

I didn't have the ability to stay awake more than a minute and a half before I fell back into a light slumber so I kept rewinding and replaying the same episode. It was the episode where the hospital was in danger of being sold for scrap and the entire staff would be laid off. If that deal fell through "There would be no money for payroll ..."

It was like I was hit by a truck right in my own bed. What if I walked into work and was told exactly that fact. What if I was told "Effective immediately, your services are no longer required because [insert any reason here]"?

I woke up and my thoughts immediately went to the list of exterior house maintenance I am having taken care of this year. I have fast forwarded my cash flow situation so I can look at the long term and plan how to afford this endeavor. The ability to plan relies solely on the fact that I earn not only one pay cheque, but two. If my income was slashed in half, I may have half the stress I'm currently contending with but it would be replaced by new worries.

Would I rather adapt to the conditions in which I'm presently living with? Or start from scratch and be faced with an entirely unexpected set of troubles?

It happens every day. People get laid off. Accidents happen. People walk away. Houses burn to the ground. Pets die. Good health deteriorates.

We often take what we have for granted. It is good to remind yourself (and by "yourself", I am referring to "me") that things could change in an instant. What if ...

The Price Tag of Happiness

It feels like a whole new world around here lately. The sun is shining, birds are chirping, the outdoors is beckoning and there is a lightness of spirit which must go hand in hand with the thawing of the snow and arrival of spring.

As I prepared to feel depleted after my one day weekend this weekend past, I was surprised to find energy left over at the end of a rather long and somewhat stressful week. Why??

Is it because I am purging and releasing my thoughts as I write my way through the moment? Maybe. I believe that helps me lighten my load and bring focus to "the other side of the story".

Is it because I am facing up to the more challenging times the best way I know how? Yes, I truly believe putting either a voice or acting on what is most worrisome keeps life in perspective.

Is it because my senses are heightened and I am focusing on what is in front of me instead of what is in the past? Definitely. No elaboration required.

Is it because I am worry-free and stress levels are eradicated? In a word? No.

Is it because my financial state of affairs are in order and there is a little leeway in the budget? Delightfully, I believe this does add a little spring to my step. Let me tell you why.

I found myself waiting in the cat aisle at WalMart the other day, as a most helpful WalMart employee volunteered to find out if there was a bag of our cat's "sensitive stomach" cat food somewhere else in the store.

Not only was I duly impressed by this employee who was so willing to please, I had time to peruse the cat-toy section beside the cat food. I spied an assortment of cat toys which contained a few of our cat's favorite things. Some "sparkly balls" and some toys which contained cat nip. The price tag was $3.97 and I was feeling rich. Before I left the cat section of the store, I whimsically tossed this little cat treat into the cart and carried on my way.

I came home to find my youngest in our back yard with our cats. The cats were overjoyed to be outside, the weather was perfect and as soon as I put away my purchases, I couldn't wait to sit down and savor the moments with the family I have left at home.

I tossed the cat toys into the cat toy drawer, where my youngest has fashioned a way for "Jet" (our younger cat who gets bored very easily and seems to thrive on ways to challenge himself) to open the drawer by himself, then help himself to the cat toy of his choice. I thought finding the new toys I bought would be a happy surprise for another day.

After spending an hour outside, one would assume our cats would be satisfied and content to simply come back inside, wash up, have a drink, simply relax and enjoy the rest of the evening. One would be wrong.

Jet walked inside and must have immediately picked up the scent of fresh, new cat toys. He opened the cat drawer, checked out the selection of toys and immediately took off with one of the brand new sparkly balls (his personal favorite).

Ray is more of a "cat nip" kind of guy. His interest was piqued by Jet's ability to open their drawer and he too, did a little shopping and popped out of the drawer with a new cat nip mouse in tow.

We sat back and watched our cats enjoy their new toys. It felt like Christmas. It was a perfect end to a perfect day.

Yesterday morning, I found myself in the Dollarama with a little bit of extra time and money on my hands. Why I gravitated towards the cat aisle, I will never know. But I found myself picking out a new toy I thought our cats would enjoy. Four small yarn pom poms for $1.50. I couldn't wait to see their reaction. They did not disappoint.

Spring is a time when I miss my daycare days. Days of breathing in fresh air, going for walks, spotting robins and revelling in all the long forgotten outside toys and spending hours in our back yard. I miss scouring the toy aisles for new and exciting toys for my little daycare crowd. Just like Jet, they too could sniff out something new in the house and would be immediately attracted to the sparkly new toys.

That is where the difference ends.

Our cats don't argue about the new toys. They each pick their favorite, respect the other guy's choice and find a way to get along.

Or, in Ray's case, he batted one of the new pom poms under the cupboard that Jet can no longer squeeze under. Knowing that toy is tucked away for later use, he can simply lay back and enjoy the morning.

They say money can't buy happiness, but I disagree. For the price tag of $5.47 (plus tax), I bought a whole lot of happy.

Do Not Be Afraid

These are scary times. I applied for two jobs yesterday.

Actually, I had a practise run and applied for one last week too. It was only upon rereading the information provided by the employer's description of job postings that I realized I had applied for an "internal" position. They would not be considering applications received from anyone not already working for them. You would not believe the wave of relief I felt when I read that.

I discovered something very important by that ill fated application. I do NOT want a full time job. My number one reason for rerouting my day job is the need to decrease my work schedule to a maximum of five days per week. In a perfect world, four days would suit me just fine.

As I was perusing the jobs available, I started jotting down notes about what I really did NOT want and started a list of what I am looking for.

I DO want a part time job. I DO want to work a day shift on week days. I DO want a routine, a schedule or a guideline of the times I will be expected to work. I enjoy working with numbers, words and typing. I want to start within my comfort zone, with room to grow.

The words "sales" and "marketing" make my heart clench up in apprehension. The idea of being asked to work on "call in" basis is paralyzing. When I hear the word "receptionist", I think of screening and fielding calls. I have done this. I could do it again. But I don't enjoy it. If I answer the phone and need to transfer a call, I do not want to recoil in fear of being reprimanded for how I handed the call.

I DO like the idea of having a job to do, be given firm parameters, a list of guidelines/do's and don'ts and the time and space to figure things out on my own as well as the knowledge that "mistakes happen". I want to work for someone who realizes errors are the best teachers. I do NOT want to be afraid to try and fail. I want to be encouraged to try, then ask questions to assure I am on the right track.

But most importantly, I do NOT want to start a new job until January. February would be better. I may as well aim to miss venturing out during the coldest months of winter while I'm making my wish list. If I could swing it "spring" would be a very good time to start anew. I have back-up financing in place so I can afford to take what time is necessary.

I received my very last ever pay cheque from my daycare career this morning. I will have to start dipping into my reserves by mid-month. My sales of daycare goods and supplies could pay for my shortfall this month. Considering I have been living off of a reduced wage for almost two months and October's unbudgeted expenses exceeded that of one of the full-time daycare spots I was already missing, I count that as a relative "success".

I have three more weeks of being a "full-time daycare provider". As of about noon on November 28th, I will be done. My days of child tending will be over. The time has come. I can tell it with every loud breath my little "two year old with a cold" took yesterday. When I flip the calendar page into December, I plan to hunker down in my "room with a door" and sit still with my writing. I want to see if there is a book in there somewhere. I want to see if I have what it takes to put myself out there and write for more papers. I want to be rid of the excesses by that time so I have no excuse to do anything but "be still". I need to be still within this little world of mine so I can listen for the whisper that is telling me where to go next.

I applied for two jobs yesterday. I sent them out into the world, hoping they fall into the abyss of the unnoticed, unremarkable and unaccepted file. I tried. I will continue to try. But I do not want to act out of fear. Fear is what motivated me yesterday.

My biggest fear is the fear of acceptance in an arena I don't want to fight in. The world I wished for only three short months ago is almost here. I don't want to fast track through this place. "This" is what I wanted. "This" is exactly where I wanted to be. The challenge will be to remain calm and steady while the waves of fear threaten to pull me under.

"Do not be afraid" I just Googled this phrase to find out where these words came from. I discovered I was quoting from the Bible. I've been told I do this a lot. These are the words that come to me when I am most fearful. I don't know what I believe but I do have faith. I am fighting to stay calm and the words I need to hear come directly from the Bible. Either that or from Glennon Doyle Melton. Either way, I'm listening.

The Only Thing to Fear is Fear Itself

I knew I should not be afraid. I honestly knew better. But the one and only and last time I had a tooth pulled, there were four of them, there was anesthetic involved and when I woke up there was bruising, swelling and at least one black eye. I vaguely remember being told the roots were hard to remove, thus the bruising. All I knew for sure is that I was grateful I had been asleep throughout the ordeal that had me looking like I was the loser of a barroom brawl. So yes, I admit it. I was a little fearful of the idea of getting a tooth pulled while I was fully conscious and aware of everything going on around me.

I shouldn't have been.

My tooth saga has come to an end. The mysterious tooth ache for no visible reason, the temporary filling that actually did NOT fall out (it was the filling beside it), the cracked tooth, the specialist appointment and all the drama and concern about needing a bridge or implant. It was as simple as pulling a tooth. The end (I know right now my son would be nodding his head and telling me "That's what I would have done from the start").

May I also add that the dental profession has come a very, very long way since those original fillings were done. I remember the scariest dentist of my life waving the big needle that was going to freeze up my mouth right in front of my eyes. I think he even had a mean cackle like Frankenstein's doctor. It was scary stuff in those days. So scary that the one and only time Dad took me to the dentist (I have NO idea why he took me to a dentist because that was not the role he played in our family), he came home and told Mom to change dentists. And we did.

Our next dentist had a reputation of being "the painless dentist". I think I even remember there being a write up about him with that exact description. He was good. I was never afraid of dentists again. The dental hygienists? Perhaps. They always had a lecture at the end of my cleanings which made me tremble in the chair. But the dentist? He was good.

I have long since gotten over my fear of dentists, the freezing procedure became easier with each passing visit. Yesterday, even the part that he warned me was going to be uncomfortable was nothing awful. Any time I thought of something that hurt just a little more than I was comfortable with, I thought of my mom and sister, who have each recently broke a wrist (what a team!). This minor, quick little fleeting bit of discomfort was NOTHING compared to what they went through.

I did ask what to expect. I told my dentist the last time I had a tooth (teeth) pulled, I was unconscious and woke with black eyes (yes, I exaggerated a little bit). He said there would be a pulling sensation, I would hear some grinding kind of noise and I forget the rest.

So I took a deep breath (maybe three) and settled in, preparing for the ordeal ahead. There was that pulling sensation. There was a noise in my head I didn't love (if only the freezing could mute the sounds of dentistry, without deafening the world around me, it would be perfect). I thought of my mom and my sister and the pain they have gone through with their broken wrists. I braced myself for what was yet to come. And that was it. He was done. It was THAT easy!

I could have taken my tooth home to put under my pillow to see what the Tooth Fairy would bring for me but I declined. Instead she showed me the cracks on both sides of my tooth and as she placed her instrument along the crack line so I could see, my tooth fell into two pieces. It was "that" close to falling apart in my mouth. I was glad to be rid of it.

The Tooth Fairy actually did make her appearance in the dentist's office. I did express my frustration over having to pay $170 our of my pocket (my insurance covered $25) for a specialist appointment which I highly questioned and felt was unnecessary. So my dentist asked me how much my insurance covered and that is all he charged me. I walked out of the office without my tooth but I saved the cost of that final act of dentistry. The Tooth Fairy is alive and well!

And so am I. There was little to no pain, I didn't bleed to death, there was next to no discomfort and the only fear I had was reading the after-care instructions. I had to limit my liquid intake for 12 hours, eat only soft foods and not drink from a straw until my healing is well underway.

There I go again. I made a big deal in my head over nothing. I have been told this before and will probably be told again, "You should write fiction because you sure know how to make up a story!"

Well, Glennon and Brené (my two best friends who don't know me - Glennon Doyle Melton and Brené Brown, for those of you who can't read my mind) tell me "The brain is wired for story". When we don't know all the details, how everything works and how it is going to work out, we create our own story. The power lies in creating our own endings and becoming more of a participant in the act of participating in the act of our own story (and its ending).

Well, I'm not exactly sure if that is what they said or not but it is something along that line. I took what I knew (my last tooth pulling experience), added two good doses of fear (I don't know this dentist nor his reputation so I highly questioned why he referred me to a specialist so I created my own little story, which I now believe to be truly false. I take it all back), add this "age factor" into the mix (I am starting to feel like I'm hitting the age where we don't "fix" things any more - we either accept it as our reality, or in the case of teeth we "extract" them and just do without) and I was a little afraid.

All's well that ends well. I have a mouth full of pretty healthy teeth now. I believe this was the only molar that didn't have a crown on it, so I expect my tooth stories to be non-existent from this point onward. Or at least until my crowns need to be replaced.

I'm just grateful my tooth story had a happy ending. I believe in the Tooth Fairy once again.

The end.

Letter to Self (from a Sixty Year Old Me)

Dear Fifty Five Year Old You,

I am writing this letter to you four and a half years in advance of you turning sixty years old. I am writing it to you this morning because I'm a little disgusted and disappointed in "55 Year Old You" and I think you need a good talking to. This may not be pretty. You have been warned.

I am very disappointed in you lately. If I didn't know who you were and where you have been, I would call you a "quitter". Heavens, I can't even call you a quitter because lately you have been too afraid, paralyzed &/or lazy to even start anything.

I know, I know. Once you start, you feel committed. Once you feel committed to something, you start beating yourself up. Relentlessly. You think you can't start something because you don't have a whole big chunk of time to devote to the job. So you don't start anything.

This has got to end. You know that. You know the answer is to simply take small bites out of big jobs and whittle away at them. You know this! Why aren't you acting on it? I know, I know!  You are tired. Your daycare days are long. Your weekends are short. How can you do "big things" when you have so little left over at the end of the day?

If you keep this up, by the time you hit the age of sixty you will want to abandon this ship and this home you have created because there is always "too much to do". Isn't this home everything you ever wanted? Hasn't this house enabled you to work from home and adapted to whatever you wanted it to do for you? Hasn't the ability to pay "interest only" on your mortgage allowed you to pay your bills, live a comfortable life and given you more financial freedom than renting an apartment could ever afford you?

This house is so much more than a roof over your head. It sustains you. It shelters you from the harsh elements of life in so many ways more than the weather. Respect it, take care of it, pamper it a little from time to time and it will continue to be there for you. And please, please, please try to pay it off!

Speaking of houses, I have no idea why I started this rant about "where you are" and "where I want you to go" with the house. I should have started with this body that is going to carry us from Point A to Point B. If I think you've let the house that shelters us go to pot, what in the world do you think I think about the way you are treating our body? How in the world is this vessel going to weather stormy weather if you don't smarten up and take better care of it?

As it is with the house, it is with our body. Start small. Rome wasn't built in a day. Fifteen minutes isn't long. Start there. Fifteen minutes of extra curricular movement. Yes, I know you think your daycare life is keeping you from turning to stone. But it isn't challenging you. You need to stretch and move and lift and get your heart pumping faster. You know this. But you aren't doing anything about it.

Start with an early morning walk. Rain or shine or sleet or hail. Walk. Just walk! Remember how awesome you felt when you took on those early morning paper routes? Walking the streets of your neighborhood while "the world" slept? You marvelled at the Northern lights, the glistening snow, the sounds of silence and nature. You thought. The words flowed in and out and through you. You came home revitalized, energized and motivated. You loved that time. Skip the paper route, take on the walks. Start there. Add and change things up as you go along. But you must BEGIN. You must. Your life depends upon it.

While I'm at it, you must nourish yourself with good food. What you feed your body fuels your brain and your brain is acting starved lately. Give it some good, solid fuel to work with and you may be amazed that your ability to think, act decisively and "do hard things". This is half the work you thought it was when you were spending your life binge watching the Gilmore Girls on the couch, with a can of Pringles at your side. Replace the Pringles with almonds. Make good meals and you may be amazed that you may fuel the appetite of others. "If you make it they will come."

I've sat back and watched you wither yourself away into a shadow of who you are capable of being. You do not have to do great things at all times but you do need to follow your passions. When you deny yourself the ability to dream big and chase a few of those dreams you become small and your world becomes smaller. You know your world is shrinking. You think you like this feeling right now. I want you to look outside of your smallness and do uncomfortable things again. Invite people into your life.

You need to look out the window and let the world inside. You are lonely and you don't even know it. You think you don't have enough of yourself to spread out any thinner than you already are. You have been here before and you will be here again. Writing is where it is at for you. If you are too tired, too fearful and too stuck in your ruts, WRITE! Send emails, letters, cards and write little notes to those who have made an impact. Write! Write! Write! This is the way out of your small world. It is a beginning.

Judging by the dreams you have been having lately, you are feeling very aware of Mom's mortality. In some ways, you feel like you are "channelling Mom" in the ways you have slowed yourself down, felt overly attached to this house and subconsciously made your world such a small one. I think you are trying to understand exactly what she is feeling by mirroring her world within your own. STOP IT! Stop it right now!! Instead, focus on "who Mom was" when she was the age you are at right now.

When Mom was this age, she was faced with her new reality after Dad's heart attack. He never came home again. I think of Mom when she was going through that time and she was strong. She simply kept taking the next forward step during a time where she must have felt completely in limbo. We marvelled at how young Mom was at age 65 and all the memories her grandchildren had of their very untypical grandma. Yes, Mom was (and still is) a force to be reckoned with. Her family and her home were (and still are) everything to her. Yes, she has slowed down. Yes, her body is starting to wear out. No, she will not live forever. That scares you, doesn't it? Ya, me too.

We don't know what life is going to hand us in between "now" and "five years from now". You simply cannot spend your time focused on that uncertainty. Take the lessons you learned from "loving André" and pay them forward.

• SAVOR THE MOMENT. Always. 
• Make memories, document them. Take pictures, but write. ALWAYS WRITE!
• Let your love shine. Your actions speak louder than words. ACT LOVINGLY.
• Let others know how you feel. SPREAD THE POSITIVE. One positive word goes a long way. 
• You will never regret what you have done. DO ALL YOU ARE CAPABLE OF DOING.

You know where your passions lie. For you, it is writing. Write for yourself. Share what is worth sharing. Just keep writing.

You are at a crossroads right now. Your children are adults and on their way. Some are further down the road than others but never forget how you feel towards your own Mom because that feeling is one you want to nurture with  your own children. We have a good, solid foundation. Just keep building.

You have some amazing friendships and relationships within your world. Don't neglect them. Even when you think you don't have time, you can always make time to send off a note or card or email. Keep those connections alive. They nourish and sustain you.

Take a chance. One chance at a time. You have become a shell of who you used to be. You know it. You are disappointed in yourself right now but this is not the end of your story. Even though (at the moment) you wouldn't care if it was.

Yes, you are tired. You are tired because you are not involved in creating your own story. You are sitting dormant, waiting for life to happen. When "life happens" it is like a slap on the face. You react. You feel indignant. You recoil then rebound. You always rebound. How about not waiting for a "slap in the face" this time? You have the power to live life out loud without being slapped into it.

Feed your body, mind and soul with fresh air, good food and positive input.
Walk. START by walking.
Write. Never stop writing. It is where you find your answers, your inspiration and your dreams.
Love. Open your heart up and take a chance again.

I want to read these words in four and a half years and say "YES! YES!! and YES!!!". I did it. I made changes. I pushed myself out of that rut and into a new and improved one. Most of all I want you to believe "Life does go on regardless of how you live it. Live it well!"

See you in the future my weary friend. You have everything you need inside of you. And if it isn't inside of you, it is here within your home, your heart and those who touch your world. Stay connected, my friend. Stop, look, listen with your heart. You will find your way. You aren't lost. You just haven't found the right highway yet.

You will find your Field of Dreams, my friend. "If you build it, they will come" ...

To be continued.

Sensitive

I had the best day of my daycare career a few days ago. I was calling it a "textbook" kind of day. The kind of day that was nothing out of the ordinary but it was extraordinary in its ordinariness. Does that make any sense? It was simply the kind of day I envisioned having every day when I took on this daycare career. I felt the way I expect myself to feel every day. I was calm, cool and attentive. The kids were all getting along and content with everything we were doing. It was really quite wonderful.

I was wafting along on that delicate little cloud feeling absolutely marvellous about a thoroughly ordinary day. I should have known something was up. Why did I feel that good over something so little? Hmmm.

Well, no more did I not have the time to ponder the thought that never crossed my mind before an innocent message from one of my parents knocked me off my cloud and into a deep, dark valley. I became obsessively worried about another non-event. A simple question which had me questioning "What was I thinking?? Why didn't I handle that differently?? What is wrong with me?"

I tossed and turned all night, knowing that I was over-reacting, over-feeling, overly concerned about something that simply needed a little clarification. I needed to be let off the hook. I needed to hear the words, "Oh, okay. I understand." You don't always get what you need in life. Get over it, girl! Pull up your socks and move on.

So I did.

The next morning, I got the  "Oh, okay. I understand" message I needed so badly. Then I heard from one of the editors I write for. I simply asked a question and I wasn't prepared for the answer I received. I just wondered how my stats were doing on the blog I write. I stopped promoting myself on my Facebook page and I wondered if that had had any impact. Turns out the answer is a resounding "YES". Recently my page views have been "zero to five" per post. Yikes. I'm not writing anything of value it seems (you may find me doing a little promoting on this page too). And hey, if anyone has a moment, please feel free to stop by and read me at http://www.mykawartha.com/blog/1594830 (link is on the left hand side of this page). At the moment I just use some of what I write here as my posts over there, but I'm thinking it's time to change that up, to spur on a little better quality of writing...

Back to my original point.

It seems every little thing I felt, the past few days has been magnified by about a hundred (maybe a thousand). My good day that felt extraordinary was the best side effect of all of this. Little things that should have gotten no more than a passing glance (and note-to-self, to do better in the future)? Not such a good feeling to have magnified by a thousand (maybe a million).

Back in the day, one may have blamed hormones on this swell of emotions over nothing that really matters. In fact there may be a little hormonal imbalance that wreaks havoc on my coping mechanisms to this day. It seems likely, because I can usually roll with this kind of stuff better.

Let's just say I've been overly sensitive the past few days. I'm much better now. Except today .... (and I could go on and on and on about a story about taking three small children for a forty five minute walk to buy batteries for a singing Christmas tree which (once it got the batteries it needed) just about drove me around the bend I had just drove around about a million times before today). I'm sure you don't want to hear about "today". Maybe I won't write for a few days. Maybe every little thought I write doesn't need to be written down and documented (except maybe I should document these overly sensitive days, so I can plan a little better for them if I discover a cycle).

Well that is enough out of me for a week. It's time to turn off my brain, turn on some Christmas lights and stare into space without thinking. Maybe I'll try that. Feeling a little overly sensitive yourself? Why not come join me? We can sit and stare and not talk and not feel together.

It is a Good Life

"My life isn't perfect, but it is perfect for me."

I think that is my new motto. I said this out loud after living one of the most uncomfortable weeks in recent history. You know those days (weeks) when you obsess about something that really doesn't matter and you can't let it go? It had been one of "those" weeks.

I do a decent job of dealing with life as it comes along. If something is running through my mind and making me uncomfortable, I try to do what is within my power to ease the discomfort and let it go.

If an apology is required, I apologize. If I need to say something to stand my ground on some issue, I try to address it. I usually sit back and write it out carefully and send it off (i.e. my daycare newsletters). If I need to do something, I try to do it so I can be done with it.

My mind is a rotating door of mini-issues that I roll with on a daily basis. Most things are quite small. Other things need time to marinate. The odd little thing feels bigger than the rest but in reality, I have it pretty easy over here in my little corner of the world.

I work from home and make a decent living doing so. I work for incredible people and this week, I received the best compliment a caregiver can receive. One of my parents referred me to a co-worker who is considering changing daycares. This new parent may or may not decide to move forward with this plan but in the mean time, it gave me an opportunity to talk with all of my parents as I investigated the possibilities of adding "one more" to the mix. These conversations pick me up and carry me when I feel like I am "not enough".

I have discovered the most effective way for me to do my job is to sit on the floor with the kids and just roll with the day. How many people can say that about their job? Am I lucky or am I lucky!?

While I've been sitting on the floor, I've found a different vantage point to my little world. I've grabbed a notebook and started dreaming again. So far the dreams are free, attainable and revolve around working with what I already have. All I need is a little bit of time and energy (oh, and maybe one more set of muscles). I've been missing my dream state and I found it again. By sitting still, on the floor, with kids crawling all over me. Who knew it could be so easy??

When my doors close at the end of my daycare day and I seal ourselves off from the world by hanging our sheets (waiting for new blinds for the new living room windows), I feel awash with peace, joy, contentment and ease. I clean the kitty litter, scrounge up something for supper and revel in my wonderful little world.

I live in a world where my work comes to me. I earn enough to live a comfortable life. Everything I need is within these four walls and if it isn't here, I have the ability to pick up the phone, write a card or letter or email and bring a little piece of the outside world in here where it is safe and comfortable.

We have our health. That is huge. It is beyond huge. I am at "that age" where it seems I hear of all the ailments, health issues, chronic pain and bigger than life worries that seem to be affecting most people within my little circle. I know how fortunate we are to wake up to life as we expect it each morning. I know this could change in a New York minute. I don't obsess about that fact but it does make me appreciate that which we have.

I think of all I have and am so annoyed with myself for letting little things get under my skin. When I waste time worrying over things that really don't matter, I chastise myself. I know better!

I have developed the bad habit of comparing myself to others. I joined a Childcare Connection site and I read what other caregivers have to offer as they sell their daycare and their services to the masses. I don't have all they have to offer. I don't have the same education, letters after my name and all the food-safe courses under my belt. I run on 37 years of parenting experience, common sense and an open door policy where I communicate freely with the parents of my children. I'm "just me". I'm not "all that", that I read. When I compare myself to others, I'm nothing.

I "unfollowed" that group. I'm still a part of it but I don't get all of their notifications. While I was at it, I "unfollowed" a few other groups and several Facebook friends. I don't need to fill my head with that which makes me feel like what I have, who I am and what I have to offer is any less than anyone else.

I much prefer to live quietly in my bubble wrapped little world where I don't measure myself up to the world around me. I like to use "yesterday" as my measuring tool. If yesterday was not a good day, I will try to make today better. If yesterday was a good day, I'll try to measure up to it again. I won't even measure myself against "tomorrow". If I don't do all I set out to do tomorrow I will try not to beat myself up over it. I will do my best to just make the most of the day I have at hand, with my eye on the future so I don't waste too many (more) of those days. I will try.

I'm tired of beating myself up. It is exhausting and self destructive. I know I need a healthy dose of constructive criticism to make my today just as good, if not better than yesterday. But not at the cost of crushing my hopes and dreams.

It is a good life that I am living. I just need to sit myself back down on the floor and keep that new perspective in line with what I can effectively accomplish within the confines of this blissful little existence of mine.

Staying Quiet

Sometimes the hardest things to say are exactly what needs to be said to move you to the next plateau.

I have had times when I had to keep what I thought was life shattering news to myself. I had to process it, come to terms with it and find my way through it alone before I could say the words out loud.

There was a time when I did not want to hear platitudes and the words people say to convince someone "everything is going to be okay" at a time when the only person who can say that with truth and conviction was a doctor.

Then there was the time when I was holding on by a thread. I couldn't believe the situation I was in. I was embarrassed, alone and couldn't say the words. It was a time when I needed the lifeline only friends and family could cast towards me. I didn't realize my silence was bringing me down lower than I needed to be.

There was another time when it was between "me and a man" and we had to face the truth of our demise. It was happening so very slowly for so long before it became our reality that it took a while for me to say the words out loud. And when I finally did, I could not believe the relief I felt by living my truth out loud again.

Each and every one of those times, the weight of the world was lifted once I spoke the words I was so desperately trying not to say.

Yes, I had to come to terms with things and find my own way in my own time. But the moment I trusted someone else to listen to my story, I knew I was back on a road that would take me in a direction I needed to go.

Each and every time I sat still with my words, my story, my worries and my fears I was sitting at a fork in the road and feeling paralyzed.

By the time I spoke the words, I was ready to accept whatever anyone else thought or said. Good, bad or indifferent. I was ready.

I understand it takes time to process some things. A lot of time.

If you think your support system is not aware of something bigger than life going on in your world, you are mistaken.

They may misinterpret the silence, the isolation and the cold shoulder to mean something it's not. Or even worse, they may not understand that you actually need someone more than you realize yourself.

If you are struggling today, find someone you trust. Speak the truth out loud. Take some of the weight off of your weary shoulders by accepting help if necessary or at least to share the burden.

They say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", but let's not kill ourselves softly by trying to be too strong.

"Staying quiet doesn't mean I have nothing to say, it means I don't think you're ready to hear my thoughts." ~ Unknown

The Silent Requests of My Heart and Mind

"Life is always listening to the silent requests of your heart and mind. What you have in your life right now is a function of your own requests." ~ Iyanla Vanzant

I do honestly believe that I am nestled up within a life that is reflecting my innermost thoughts. Which is a little disconcerting just as much as it is reassuring.

The peace, the harmony and the state of calmness and bliss reflect how I want to live and breathe my life. Good health, healthy relationships and close ties to people within my little circle of friends and family nurture every little positive thought I think.

My home is my castle. Not because it is grand or without imperfections. Because it is filled with all that matters to me. 

A home that is accessorized with at least one child and one cat at all times. I don't know how it would feel to live a life without one or the other. And something tells me I won't have to worry about that any time soon.

A life where I work out of my home and all that I need to exist, lies within these very four walls and the fence line which borders our yard.

A computer that keeps me tied to the outside world when I want to live like a recluse. I am not sure who I would be without my ability to sit and write out loud or in private and send off a message on a whim.

It is a simple life and I love simplicity.

Yet how will I feel about this very life ten or twenty years from now if I don't make any changes to it now?

When I live in the moment, I love the moment I am in. 

When I don't worry about money, there is always enough.

When my priorities start to shift, I feel empowered enough to make a move to shift things in a new direction.

When I don't worry about the future, the present is a gift.

Yesterday morning, I sat down with "numbers". The moment I start dealing with numbers, the "letters" (words) in my mind start to shift.

I sat down and tried to project where I will be four months from now, when I know there is little that I know for sure about what these next four months will bring.

Am I living in a delusional world or do I have it right? Living in the present moment is the way to live a life. 

My dilemma lies in my finances at the moment. I have to be cautious but I love "investing" in our home. New windows are the reason I sat down with numbers yesterday morning. 

Do I now regret the money I spent on some of my little getaways this past year? Not for a moment. Gift money funded my most frivolous weekend. Pennies from heaven must have funded the second trip because I just know it wasn't a struggle. It was a trip that was meant to be taken.

This little trip down reality lane is necessary from time to time. It grounds me and makes me take control of that-which-is-in-my-control. When I respect my financial limitations things always have a way of working out in the end. It is not something you learn in any accounting class but it has been what I have found to be true.

"You bring about what you think about."

I am going to continue to think about the abundance within my life. There is always enough. Always. I shall not be foolhardy but I will invest wisely and trust it will all work out in the end. And if it doesn't? It is not yet the end.

Still Colleen

I titled this post almost a month ago but the words didn't follow.

This morning, a few shared posts on the importance of recognizing the signs of a stroke on my Facebook feed reminded me of one of my greatest worries. Brain injury.

I had no understanding of the words "brain damage" until Dad survived a heart attack, but his brain did not. He stopped breathing and his heart stopped. He was revived after fifteen minutes. But fifteen minutes was too long. The damage was irreversible. We lost the essence of our dad that night even though his body mightily fought on and survived.

You hear of miraculous survival stories. You hear less about those who survived but never lived again.

One of my biggest fears is being held hostage in a body without a fully functional brain.

A head injury caused due to an accident could happen in the blink of an eye. There are illnesses of the brain - Alzeimer's disease, cancer, tumors, stroke and inherited conditions. Not to mention the myriad of other diseases that hold a healthy and vital brain captive inside of a body that gives out.

I don't obsess about my fears but every time my life is touched in some way by someone who is faced with a condition of the brain which is out of their control, my fears seep to the brim of my consciousness again.

My mind wanders as I think of those who are walking that very walk as I type. I simply cannot comprehend what it must feel like to be in their shoes right now. Nor the shoes of the family and friends who are their support system.

I watched "Still Alice" almost a month ago and it was a movie that struck a chord deep inside of myself.

"Alice" knew she had early stage Alzeimer's disease and while she was able, she devised many ways to feel like she had a sense of control over a disease which encroaches on its victim without mercy.

I watched her make a video, talking to herself in the future, at a time when she no longer held onto her own sense of self or memories or ability to function in a fashion she was accustomed to functioning.

I have often joked that I write everything down in case the day comes when I don't know who I am any more. I will be able to sit down and read about who I used to be ...

I have sat on the sidelines of my life, watching and empathizing with those who are waging a war against a brain disorder. Whether it is physical or psychological or a trauma to the brain, it is all so very delicate.

I cannot imagine how it feels when life as you know it spins out of control and you feel powerless to change where you are at.

If I ever become a stranger to myself and lose my way, what would I tell myself?

I would hope I would be kinder to that stranger than I am to the person who I wake up with each morning and live with all day.

Presently I tell the-person-within, that she doesn't do enough, isn't kind enough, doesn't reach out enough, doesn't care enough, doesn't work enough, and simply isn't as good as she is capable of being. She beats herself up over not keeping up appearances - whether it is a spotless and well maintained home or tending to maintaining the body she is presently living in.

In the future, I would like to forgive that person and remind her that she tried enough. She made the effort to be enough and reach out and touch those around her. She did her best and was the best mom she could be at the time, to each one of her children.

I would like to applaud that person for caring less about clean windows and fresh paint and cared more about spending her energy on taking what she needed to give to herself so she had a little bit left over to share with others.

I do not write to prove that I existed. My dirty little secret is that I write just in case I need to remind myself of who I once was.

I need to know that I did my best while I was at my best and that I forgave myself for all the rest.

What I need to tell myself at this very moment in time, is that the parts of your body that need your time and attention are not your hair, nails and feet. It is your overall body. Get out there and move and stretch and flex those muscles.

Sitting here in my computer chair has become my most comfortable place to be. I know I need to get out and use the rest of my muscles so I don't lose what I already have.

I am "Still Colleen" in this very moment and I should be paying more attention to the present than worrying over that which is out of my control.

Colleen, just wake up in the morning and do your best. Your best will change from day to day. But don't neglect your body, mind and soul. Nourish those and the rest will come.

Forgive yourself just a little bit more and talk to your present self the way you would talk to a future "you" who has no idea who you used to be.

My heart aches for those who are walking down a tough and challenging and twisty path right now. I have no idea what are the right things to say or do. I just want to walk beside you and be your friend when you need one.

Our health is everything when we have it. Be kind to yourself today.

I Cried Because I Had Bad Hair

"I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet" ~ Author Unknown

It has not been lost on me, that I have been expending an extraordinary amount of time obsessing about things that really don't matter as of late - the fact that I have not been wearing my age well, the effort it takes to maintain "pretty feet and hands", bad hair and the list goes on and on, my friend.

I have been cringing each and every time I take a look in the mirror. I finally picked up the phone and made an appointment for a full hair makeover tonight. Cut, color, the works. 

I told my stylist, "There is absolutely nothing I like about my hair. Except the fact that I have it." She replied, "I can fix that! Or I will certainly try..."

I was actually very serious about the fact that I know my bad hair days are not the end of the world. 

I have hair. I have a lot of hair. The fact that I find it unmanageable is actually quite a good problem to have. The side effect of looking at said hair in the mirror and allowing it to affect my day is my problem. And a minor one at that.

I knew this, yet I still allowed myself to focus my attention towards it. Perhaps because there is something I can (try) to do to fix the problem at hand.

I am all about "doing what is within your power" to fix or adjust or adapt to life's frustrations. I do it all the time.

I google everything. I write out many of my thoughts and try to live a life where I will not regret what I have or have not said. 

If I invest enough energy worrying about something, I do my level best to try to do something to deal with the worry of the moment.

Life has been so terribly serious. Too many people I know are dealing with serious health issues. There is nothing I can do for anyone. Except reach out ...

Last night I did just that. The gift of reaching out in a quiet, one-sided manner, is that the person on the other end of that gesture can respond when they have the time, energy and ability to do so.

Lucky me. That person called me back last night. We talked like we have talked on many other occasions. She has an ability to laugh on the outside, even though I can only assume that it may be a case of "If I don't laugh, I might cry and I choose laughter".

She is a warrior. She is fighting the good fight and it has been an uphill battle. She is certain things are about to change. It is the only way left for things to go.

An intensive regimen of radiology is on her agenda and she is laughing about the fact that she no longer has to worry about the hair growing back from recent brain surgery. She laughed as she said, "It will probably all fall out any way, so I don't even have to worry about the gray hair that is showing!"

"I cried because I had bad hair, until I met the woman may lose her hair".

I worry about the little things because sometimes I feel like those are the only things that are within my control. 

Life is too full of things where we feel completely powerless. I spoke to my warrior friend and laughed along with her last night. And it was good.

Tonight I will go and deal with my unmanageable hair. And be grateful for what, I consider to be a frustration, is truly a blessing. I really knew this all along but it never hurts for life to remind me to keep my priorities in focus.

Trust and Be Prepared to Be Amazed

I used to obsess about my finances.

I planned, I projected, I did my best to pay down debt, save and have a little "in case of emergency" fund. I budgeted and accounted for every single penny.

The more I counted my pennies, the more pennies I seemed to need.

I had every bill covered with little room left for the unexpected. The unexpected always happened. Where there is a car, a house and a family there are always surprises.

There seemed to be a direct correlation between the amount of energy I spent obsessing about money and the amount of money I felt I needed. There was never, ever, ever enough.

I don't know what shifted my perspective in my "worry to money ratio". It may have happened when I rid myself of five different accounts to budget for every contingency I could imagine. I amalgamated all of my savings with all of my debt and my enemies started living together under one roof. Surprisingly, they have lived quite well together.

Since that time, I have stopped "sweating the small stuff". When times are good, I sock away my money and pile it onto my debt. When times are lean, I borrow from that same debt sparingly.

Unfortunately I have had quite a few lean years in recent history.

Going back to school was the death of my finances but resuscitated me in so many ways.

The years when I attempted to redirect my career were the hardest years I can remember living but they taught me more than a formal education ever could have.

The leanest years of my life took and gave back to me, in proportion to each other. Mentally and financially.

I just went back to the archives of my financial history.

I have accumulated $17,107 more debt since my return to school. In that same stretch of history, my pension has grown by almost $50,000. My savings is an ever-changing number and has been depleted by almost $2,000 but the number that is in there now is more of a "static" number.

I went back further in time and I am aghast to see the years I felt the poorest, I had the least amount of debt and the most amount of savings. I guess counting every single penny did have its advantages.

Now that wasn't the direction I was headed when I started writing this post!

My point (which feels slightly moot at the moment) is that by lessening the energy I spend on worrying, I have found "things always work out in the end".

For each and every extra-curricular expense, I have found an unexpected windfall on the opposite end of the spending spectrum.

I planned a purely whimsical trip to see Dancing With the Stars in Las Vegas. The cost of this trip was simply absorbed by some unexpected gift money that had been tossed my way.

Recently I ordered some extra family history books for both my mom and dad's families. Surprisingly, I had some unexpected financial bonuses which equalled almost the exact amount of my book order.

As I considered the expense of a new computer verses the need, I hovered back and forth in a state of indecision for quite some time before letting my income tax refund (almost the exact amount of the new computer) make the decision for me.

This week, I took the plunge and booked flights and accommodations for a trip to see my uncle. I invited my mom along for the ride.

I planned this trip for all the right reasons and knew without a doubt I would find a way (or it would simply work out) that this would not cause my financial situation any undue hardship. What has transpired is beyond amazing.

My son just happened to need to buy a car without shopping for one. I just happened to have a spare one sitting on the driveway. He paid double my asking price but my price was enough to cover my trip. My trip is paid in full.

Add onto that equation, the fact that my mom overpaid me for doing her income tax. Add that total to the refund I will get for cancelling my car registration/insurance and not only do I have my ticket paid in full, but my mom's as well.

Me, the spendthrift in the family, throws my money around without a second thought when it comes to simply doing the right thing.

This trip was the right thing to do. I knew it without a doubt. I spent first and budgeted later. The end result is nothing short of amazing.

I was telling my cousin (a minister) of the miracle of my spending lately. I worry less and it always works out in the end, in the most unexpected ways. He spoke of a the "gift of provision" (law of provision??) and if we just relax and trust (in God) we are always provided for.

I am quite certain my cousin could speak more eloquently than me, but the long and short of it is (to me) "Trust, and you shall be amazed".

This line of thinking hasn't served me too well in the department of romance, but hey! Maybe it is because I didn't trust enough. Hmmm ... food for thought, for another day.