Sunday

Sunday has been and continues to be my favorite day of the week. How I could fritter away the entirety of my favorite day doing so very little is quite astounding. 

I've become the queen of "doing nothing". The unfortunate part is, I'm not doing it well.

I woke up to my weekend hangover of nothingness feeling absolutely, completely and totally spent. What the heck is wrong with me?!?

Then ... I looked at my existence from the outside, looking in and decided to give myself a break.

When I got outside my own head for a minute, I saw myself and the role I have been playing within my small little world. The words that came to mind as I looked at this alien version of myself was "Supporting Person".

I'm not the star in my own show. Other story lines are running through my own. I listen. I relate. I do my best to understand. I am there. Not in a big way. Just in a small understated "supporting role".

When I validated my role, I forgave myself for feeling mentally inept over the course of the weekend. One cannot continue to do nothing for forever. But one weekend? What has been done cannot be undone. Just take one step in a forward direction.

A new week awaits.

I Needed to Know I Tried

I woke up with thoughts of an irreparable relationship on my mind.

I had recently made a half hearted attempt to step through the past and simply move forward from where we are today. It didn't work.

"I tried." Those were the words I wrote down before I fell asleep last night. I tried.

 When I awoke, those very words were still speaking to me. Had I tried hard enough before everything fell into a state of disrepair? I truly believe I did.

I have held onto an envelope full of "evidence" I have never looked at since this relationship fell apart the final time. This morning, for the first time since I tucked that written correspondence away, I am tempted to reread the contents.

That broken relationship runs through my mind a lot these days.

"There are two sides to every story", I remind people as I relate the tales of my past. I am accountable for my actions. There were two people involved. Both parties were hurt. Innocent parties were hurt. I walked away for the sake of my children and I know in my heart of hearts I did the right thing. I know this. I believe this. I did what I had to do.

But out there, lies someone who is terminally ill. Their days are numbered. I find myself wondering what is going through their mind as they live their final days. I don't profess to know much, if anything, about their life after "us", but I used to know this person well. I just wanted to remind him we made many happy memories together. I loved him as much as knew how at the time. His life made a difference.

It is something I think I would appreciate hearing as my days wound down to a close. I just wanted to "do unto others"...

Out there, is a family who is wounded. I can't begin to imagine the walk they are walking. Everyone handles their pain differently. I believe I am a stranger to their brand of hurt but as a parent, I can only imagine ...

I simply wanted to offer to sit still with them as they feel, live and walk through this time. I'm the last person in the world they want to see but I feel responsible for my part in the past and I had hoped to offer my presence.

I am the wrong person, at the wrong time. But I tried.

The energy of the world knew what I needed before I needed it. I was just about to come home from my day and sit still with my thoughts when another person from another relationship from another time called out and invited me to go for coffee.

This too, was a broken relationship from years gone by. Again, there are two sides to this story. I did my fair share of damage to this relationship. We parted ways but despite the hurt, anger and heart ache we stayed connected throughout the years.

There are two sides to every story.

I am grateful for a parallel story which reminds me that it does take two people to make or break a relationship. Before, during and after. I'm grateful for the reminder that although I am responsible for my side of what went wrong within "us", I'm just as responsible for what has gone right.

I needed to be reminded of this. I am grateful.

I needed to know I have tried. I did. It is time to set this free.

Try, Try Again

I just don't have enough words to share between two blogs these days, so I've been focusing on the one which I have "commitments to meet" and my aim is to try and fill this blog space with words that are left over.

I start writing and then I have to walk away and tend to "life", never to return. I am running behind on my "Daring Greatly" (Brené Brown) course again, so I have been stealing time from the morning to work on that.

I had three very early daycare day mornings last week. I went to bed before the birds more often than not so I could support my waking at 5:00 a.m. habit. So evenings have been a wash as well. Those early morning daycare days did not bode well for writing either.

I walked into this week feeling full and fulfilled. By Thursday, I was running on empty. I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com: http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6398163-try-try-again/

Please join me there and I'll be back here just as soon as words and time co-ordinate their schedules and get back to me.

It is a Good Life

"My life isn't perfect, but it is perfect for me."

I think that is my new motto. I said this out loud after living one of the most uncomfortable weeks in recent history. You know those days (weeks) when you obsess about something that really doesn't matter and you can't let it go? It had been one of "those" weeks.

I do a decent job of dealing with life as it comes along. If something is running through my mind and making me uncomfortable, I try to do what is within my power to ease the discomfort and let it go.

If an apology is required, I apologize. If I need to say something to stand my ground on some issue, I try to address it. I usually sit back and write it out carefully and send it off (i.e. my daycare newsletters). If I need to do something, I try to do it so I can be done with it.

My mind is a rotating door of mini-issues that I roll with on a daily basis. Most things are quite small. Other things need time to marinate. The odd little thing feels bigger than the rest but in reality, I have it pretty easy over here in my little corner of the world.

I work from home and make a decent living doing so. I work for incredible people and this week, I received the best compliment a caregiver can receive. One of my parents referred me to a co-worker who is considering changing daycares. This new parent may or may not decide to move forward with this plan but in the mean time, it gave me an opportunity to talk with all of my parents as I investigated the possibilities of adding "one more" to the mix. These conversations pick me up and carry me when I feel like I am "not enough".

I have discovered the most effective way for me to do my job is to sit on the floor with the kids and just roll with the day. How many people can say that about their job? Am I lucky or am I lucky!?

While I've been sitting on the floor, I've found a different vantage point to my little world. I've grabbed a notebook and started dreaming again. So far the dreams are free, attainable and revolve around working with what I already have. All I need is a little bit of time and energy (oh, and maybe one more set of muscles). I've been missing my dream state and I found it again. By sitting still, on the floor, with kids crawling all over me. Who knew it could be so easy??

When my doors close at the end of my daycare day and I seal ourselves off from the world by hanging our sheets (waiting for new blinds for the new living room windows), I feel awash with peace, joy, contentment and ease. I clean the kitty litter, scrounge up something for supper and revel in my wonderful little world.

I live in a world where my work comes to me. I earn enough to live a comfortable life. Everything I need is within these four walls and if it isn't here, I have the ability to pick up the phone, write a card or letter or email and bring a little piece of the outside world in here where it is safe and comfortable.

We have our health. That is huge. It is beyond huge. I am at "that age" where it seems I hear of all the ailments, health issues, chronic pain and bigger than life worries that seem to be affecting most people within my little circle. I know how fortunate we are to wake up to life as we expect it each morning. I know this could change in a New York minute. I don't obsess about that fact but it does make me appreciate that which we have.

I think of all I have and am so annoyed with myself for letting little things get under my skin. When I waste time worrying over things that really don't matter, I chastise myself. I know better!

I have developed the bad habit of comparing myself to others. I joined a Childcare Connection site and I read what other caregivers have to offer as they sell their daycare and their services to the masses. I don't have all they have to offer. I don't have the same education, letters after my name and all the food-safe courses under my belt. I run on 37 years of parenting experience, common sense and an open door policy where I communicate freely with the parents of my children. I'm "just me". I'm not "all that", that I read. When I compare myself to others, I'm nothing.

I "unfollowed" that group. I'm still a part of it but I don't get all of their notifications. While I was at it, I "unfollowed" a few other groups and several Facebook friends. I don't need to fill my head with that which makes me feel like what I have, who I am and what I have to offer is any less than anyone else.

I much prefer to live quietly in my bubble wrapped little world where I don't measure myself up to the world around me. I like to use "yesterday" as my measuring tool. If yesterday was not a good day, I will try to make today better. If yesterday was a good day, I'll try to measure up to it again. I won't even measure myself against "tomorrow". If I don't do all I set out to do tomorrow I will try not to beat myself up over it. I will do my best to just make the most of the day I have at hand, with my eye on the future so I don't waste too many (more) of those days. I will try.

I'm tired of beating myself up. It is exhausting and self destructive. I know I need a healthy dose of constructive criticism to make my today just as good, if not better than yesterday. But not at the cost of crushing my hopes and dreams.

It is a good life that I am living. I just need to sit myself back down on the floor and keep that new perspective in line with what I can effectively accomplish within the confines of this blissful little existence of mine.

Let Kindness Win Today

If anyone spoke to any one of my children the way I speak to myself, I think the mother bear in me would come out and I would wrestle them to the ground. I would make them apologize and promise never to speak that way to my children or anyone else like that ever again.

I have high expectations of myself. If my role is to take care of children, I "should" myself to death. I should be more attentive, more creative, more fun, cook better meals, do more and simply be more.

When I write, I compare myself to others who have honed the art of writing to a level I know I will never attain. I should edit myself more, be more attentive to my overuse of "that" and "..." and brackets and there are so many ways I should do better, write more and write outside of the tiny box I live in.

As a friend, I know I should initiate contact more. I used to email people on a semi regular basis. Why did I stop? I don't call, I don't write and I am pretty sure people aren't receiving my ESP messages. I should be more, do more, call more and just be a better friend.

I could go on all day about all that I am not but instead I shall reroute my story and tell you about yesterday. Yesterday was the most wonderful kind of day within our daycare world. As I lived it, I was continually beating myself up. My inner voices had two names "The Critic" and "My Kind Side"

The critic - "You should take these guys outside!"
My kind side - "But they are happy and content. Let them play."
Critic - "You should be paying more attention!"
Kindness - "They are okay. They do better when you aren't hovering over their every move."
Critic - "You should make them a better lunch!"
Kindness - "It is just one day. They love alphagetti and hot dogs! Make it easy on everyone today."
Critic - "Let the older ones play through quiet time!"
Kindness - "Everyone does better with a piece of quiet inserted into their day. They need it just as much as you do. YOU need it to be your best self for the remainder of the day..."
Critic - "You need to take these guys out to play in the 'forest'!"
Kindness - "You enjoy them enjoying their forest and nature and hills just as much as they do. Yes, take them to the 'forest' and savor the moments."
Critic - "Take more pictures! Their parents need to see what you are seeing!"
Kindness - "Watch them, listen to them, remember this. It doesn't last ..."
Critic - "We should have gotten home sooner! Parents are waiting for us!!"
Kindness - "Their parents are grateful we took time to go on a little adventure. They arrived early. You couldn't know."

This conversation ran through my mind all day. It was relentless. But "Kindness" won.

We went with the flow, kids were kids and we enjoyed "little moments" all day long. Lunch was a hit, stress levels were low, expectations were moderate, contentment was high.

Children playing, happy sounds, pleased parents created a memorable day in such a small way.

Let "Kindness" win today. Give yourself a break and (try to) silence your inner critic. The Critic has a job to do. It reminds us to keep striving to be the best we can be. Just don't let your critical side break you. Remind yourself "Kindness Wins" and just do your best. It is all we can ever do. Some days, your best is better than others.

Let yourself off the hook and talk kind to yourself today.

Today is Going to Be One of Those Days!

" 'Going with the flow' is a sign that the different parts of us are in harmony. We are more likely to dance and sing to life's music when we follow the guidance of our hearts. How do we tap into the heart? With every expression of gratitude, every moment in wonder, every respectful thought, every act of forgiveness and every loving touch." ~ from a Magical Moment inspirational email from Wayne Lee (quotations and tips by Higher Awareness)

Going with the flow ... whenever I find myself wavering on decisions and where I am at, I know that I am not following life's gentle lead.

Tapping into the heart? I have equated that ability to finding that sense of quietness where I can be still in body and mind and I hear that quiet but persistent inner voice guide me in the direction that I need to go.

But as my inspirational email suggests, we can find this with every:

• expression of gratitude
• moment of wonder
• respectful thought
• act of forgiveness
• loving touch

I found myself completely and totally depleted when I woke up after my weekend. When I look at the way I spent yesterday, I did not appreciate these finer points of the day I was living.

I am surrounded by little people in my daycare world.

"Moments of wonder" are plentiful in my day. I know that I feel better about myself and my day when I shift my focus and see the world through a child's eyes.

I am teaching my daycare family manners ... but am I focused on gratitude? Those moments when I stop my world and fully appreciate an act of kindness within my little daycare family. Sometimes I do. Yesterday? I didn't.

Respectful thoughts... oh, how easy it is to become child-like (not in a good way), when you are surrounded by children all day. As my (almost) three-year-old walked in the door yesterday and started talking baby talk, I must confess. My thoughts were not respectful. Not respectful at all! And it went downhill from there.

Forgiveness. A child forgives and forgets. They forgive fully, totally and completely. Do I? Yesterday felt like a day where I focused on all of the wrong things. One can't hold a grudge against a child, but I found myself thinking time and time again, "Here we go again ..." (and not in a good way).

Loving touches. I am not a hugger. But I believe in the magical quality of touch. The 'touch' of a kind word. The touch of a hand on one's shoulder. A pat on the back. Even a gentleness in the way one handles themselves in a house full of preschoolers.

When my little people nestle in and cuddle with me, I know that I am holding precious cargo. I feel wonder in the moment. I am grateful for their presence in my world. I become one with them in the moment and I respect and appreciate each of them for who they are. All prior misdemeanors are forgiven. And forgotten. In that moment, it is wonderful (knowing that nap time is soon to follow doesn't hurt either).

Every day, we are given a chance for a do-over. Today is going to be one of those days. Today is a day to focus on life's small wonders, gratitude, forgiveness, respect and reaching out and 'touching' someone.

Feeling Sombre

I don't know if I've processed the feelings behind the words that are in me today. It may be too soon to release them. Writing is my way of sifting through life's reality and sorting out the lessons to be learned.

I found out that 2 people died yesterday morning. I didn't know either of these people well, but the loss of these 2 souls has deeply affected 2 people that I am extremely close to.

Often when an older person dies or someone who has been battling a terminal disease, it seems that there is a sense of peace that comes along with the loss. As much as the person is loved and the people who love them want them around as long as they can have them ... knowing that their loved one is at peace and out of pain brings some solace.

When an elderly person passes on, it seems that there is a lifetime of memories that fill the hearts of the lives that they have touched. The ache of knowing they can never talk to their loved one again must be heart wrenching. But having good memories to hold onto must help the transition. A little.

Personally, I have experienced very little loss in my life. My dad had a debilitating heart attack 26 1/2 years ago when we lost the essence of who he was (due to extensive brain damage caused by lack of oxygen to his brain). His body lost the battle almost 22 years ago.

Even in my personal experience, loss was introduced to me gradually. When his body survived and his brain didn't, I was young and naive enough to believe in miracles. It took a while before I fully grasped the concept that 'Dad as I knew him' was gone. It gave my brain time to process the idea of losing the Dad I knew.

When he died, it was sad. It was final. The funeral ceremony was new and foreign to me. I was more angry at the necessity of putting together this 'party' than anything. I didn't understand at the time, that the gathering of family and friends is to help those that are left behind. I didn't understand any of this while I was living it.

That was almost 22 years ago. Since then, there have been losses. People who touch my life have experienced loss but I haven't experienced it first hand. I can't begin to comprehend what those who are walking that path are going through.

I do know that much comfort comes from knowing that the person who has deceased lived a good life and feels an inner peace. Family ties and close relationships define a person. Not any of the material accumulations. The way we touch each others lives when we are living is truly what matters in life. Those that have strong and loving relationships have a wealth that can be left behind in the memories they made and the hearts that they touched.

The flip side of that coin is one that I have honestly never fully been conscious of. One of the people that lost the battle of breathing early yesterday morning led a rather tortured life. I know only what I have been told, but it seems this person didn't forgive easily. She held onto negativity, she had secrets, held onto bitterness from her childhood ... but most importantly, it seems that she didn't forgive herself.

We all make mistakes. The people we love and care about make mistakes. It's called learning. Part of the learning process is to take the lesson learned, forgive yourself and others ... and move on. When you hold onto the pain, blame others for your situation and don't move on ... you are hurting others, but most importantly you are hurting yourself.

It was only in death, that this person confessed her fear of dying. Because this person had never forgiven herself, she was afraid to die because she knew she wasn't headed to heaven. My friend heard these words for the first time but in reflection, she could see the truth behind what she heard. My friend was wracked in guilt because she felt that had she known this sooner, she could have helped. She was feeling not only the pain of pending loss, but the agony of watching a loved one fearing death.

I can't begin to comprehend the complexities of death and dying. Knowing that you have a finite time left here on earth seems to me, to be a second chance to make things right before you leave this world. I've often said that if I must die when I have dependent children, I would want to know so that I could make sure everything was in order before I left. Otherwise ... 'surprise me'.

But more importantly, I want to live a life that I feel good about. If my world was to end tomorrow, I would want the people that I love and care about know how I feel. I would want to have made enough of an impact in those people's lives that they could carry a small piece of me within. I would want people to know that I have forgiven all. Some things aren't forgotten ... but no matter what has been 'done unto me', I have forgiven. It is my wish to be forgiven as well ... but most importantly, I have forgiven myself.

I love making memories and capturing them in a way that will last forever, even though I won't. One of the most touching thoughts that I have, of one of the people that died is the poetry she wrote that encompassed every family member. Her family has a tangible memory to physically hold onto, that can only enhance the individual memories that they carry within their heart.

I don't know this person well, but from what I've heard she seemed to be a loving and forgiving person. She had a strong faith within her church and forgiveness is a big part of religion.

'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned ...."

Not one of us is perfect. If you do yourself one favor ... let it be that you forgive yourself and others. Live a happy and peaceful life.