Feeling Sombre

I don't know if I've processed the feelings behind the words that are in me today. It may be too soon to release them. Writing is my way of sifting through life's reality and sorting out the lessons to be learned.

I found out that 2 people died yesterday morning. I didn't know either of these people well, but the loss of these 2 souls has deeply affected 2 people that I am extremely close to.

Often when an older person dies or someone who has been battling a terminal disease, it seems that there is a sense of peace that comes along with the loss. As much as the person is loved and the people who love them want them around as long as they can have them ... knowing that their loved one is at peace and out of pain brings some solace.

When an elderly person passes on, it seems that there is a lifetime of memories that fill the hearts of the lives that they have touched. The ache of knowing they can never talk to their loved one again must be heart wrenching. But having good memories to hold onto must help the transition. A little.

Personally, I have experienced very little loss in my life. My dad had a debilitating heart attack 26 1/2 years ago when we lost the essence of who he was (due to extensive brain damage caused by lack of oxygen to his brain). His body lost the battle almost 22 years ago.

Even in my personal experience, loss was introduced to me gradually. When his body survived and his brain didn't, I was young and naive enough to believe in miracles. It took a while before I fully grasped the concept that 'Dad as I knew him' was gone. It gave my brain time to process the idea of losing the Dad I knew.

When he died, it was sad. It was final. The funeral ceremony was new and foreign to me. I was more angry at the necessity of putting together this 'party' than anything. I didn't understand at the time, that the gathering of family and friends is to help those that are left behind. I didn't understand any of this while I was living it.

That was almost 22 years ago. Since then, there have been losses. People who touch my life have experienced loss but I haven't experienced it first hand. I can't begin to comprehend what those who are walking that path are going through.

I do know that much comfort comes from knowing that the person who has deceased lived a good life and feels an inner peace. Family ties and close relationships define a person. Not any of the material accumulations. The way we touch each others lives when we are living is truly what matters in life. Those that have strong and loving relationships have a wealth that can be left behind in the memories they made and the hearts that they touched.

The flip side of that coin is one that I have honestly never fully been conscious of. One of the people that lost the battle of breathing early yesterday morning led a rather tortured life. I know only what I have been told, but it seems this person didn't forgive easily. She held onto negativity, she had secrets, held onto bitterness from her childhood ... but most importantly, it seems that she didn't forgive herself.

We all make mistakes. The people we love and care about make mistakes. It's called learning. Part of the learning process is to take the lesson learned, forgive yourself and others ... and move on. When you hold onto the pain, blame others for your situation and don't move on ... you are hurting others, but most importantly you are hurting yourself.

It was only in death, that this person confessed her fear of dying. Because this person had never forgiven herself, she was afraid to die because she knew she wasn't headed to heaven. My friend heard these words for the first time but in reflection, she could see the truth behind what she heard. My friend was wracked in guilt because she felt that had she known this sooner, she could have helped. She was feeling not only the pain of pending loss, but the agony of watching a loved one fearing death.

I can't begin to comprehend the complexities of death and dying. Knowing that you have a finite time left here on earth seems to me, to be a second chance to make things right before you leave this world. I've often said that if I must die when I have dependent children, I would want to know so that I could make sure everything was in order before I left. Otherwise ... 'surprise me'.

But more importantly, I want to live a life that I feel good about. If my world was to end tomorrow, I would want the people that I love and care about know how I feel. I would want to have made enough of an impact in those people's lives that they could carry a small piece of me within. I would want people to know that I have forgiven all. Some things aren't forgotten ... but no matter what has been 'done unto me', I have forgiven. It is my wish to be forgiven as well ... but most importantly, I have forgiven myself.

I love making memories and capturing them in a way that will last forever, even though I won't. One of the most touching thoughts that I have, of one of the people that died is the poetry she wrote that encompassed every family member. Her family has a tangible memory to physically hold onto, that can only enhance the individual memories that they carry within their heart.

I don't know this person well, but from what I've heard she seemed to be a loving and forgiving person. She had a strong faith within her church and forgiveness is a big part of religion.

'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned ...."

Not one of us is perfect. If you do yourself one favor ... let it be that you forgive yourself and others. Live a happy and peaceful life.