All Over the Map

I can't pin down one thought this morning. If I was to pin it down in a phrase, 'all over the map' would be it ...

I took yesterday off. Off of everything.

I had an enjoyable visit with my mom. It ended with dropping her off at my aunts and I stayed and enjoyed the festivities at their home for a little while. It's nice to feel comfortable stopping and staying a little while.

Kurt and I watched a movie together after I got home. A little ways into the movie, I had this chest crunching feeling. Guilt? Did I say or do something wrong? It was an emotional 'crush'. Something I felt that I had done or didn't do that was making me feel this way. I relaxed when I pinned it down to feeling guilty (I wasn't working on the book keeping that I had promised myself). As the day progressed, I rewound some of my 'words' and I often wonder (and I'm sure that I do) if I talk too much ... say too much. Guilt. That was the emotional 'crush' that I felt.

I had wasted so much of the day, I granted myself the remainder of the day off. To sit back, rest, read, relax and putter to my hearts content. And that's what I did.

You don't wind up the day with a great feeling, when you've spent a day working hard at doing nothing. There was no zest in what I did. No zip. Blah. I went to sleep and woke up feeling much the same.

I love the relaxation that comes after a day well spent. I know that I can ill afford to simply sit back and do nothing right now. I'll open a drawer or cupboard ... or move a piece of furniture and think to myself 'Hmmm ... I wonder if I'll ever have a clean house again??' Why didn't I clean a drawer or vacuum under a bed with my time yesterday? Why was I glued to the couch with a book that I've been reading for (what feels like) forever?

I haven't lived with 'guilt' much lately and as far as I'm concerned, I would like to keep it that way. If I've done or said something wrong, I need to recognize it, address it and rectify it. And carry on. If I'm taking a day for myself, it is completely wasted if I wallow in guilt so much that I don't enjoy it.

If ever there was a day that I wasted, yesterday would be it.

I woke up this morning and through the links of 'blog land', I found the blog of a new widow. She's younger than me; her husband was older than me. She talks of the imperfections of their marriage, but what truly spoke to me is that she loves this man. With all that she has to give. I don't think I've ever loved so much or so freely.

There's a part of me that I don't let go of. The naivety of youth is a wonderful thing. And I suppose first loves are special because you haven't experienced the devastation of the many ways one's heart can break. If that gets chipped away at, slowly and gradually ... you eventually learn to protect your heart.

I feel that life has taught me a lot of lessons that I needed to learn. I have no regrets and my heart is not eternally broken. It has a protective covering ... but it still has the capacity to feel.

The book that I am reading is a story woven around relationships. Relationships where one person loves more than the other person in the relationship. Been there. The shield of steel that encases my heart makes me the one that 'loves less'. Or at least that is how it feels.

In truth, I don't think that I did love any less than the other party. It's just that when I started feeling the hurts that come with that gradual erosion of a positive relationship, I start withdrawing. No words are said ... but it is felt. By both parties. The balance tips. The other party starts 'loving more' because they are grasping to hold onto a piece of me that I am withholding. Then I start feeling smothered. And I retreat. To my safe place.

I have a friend that loves with all of her heart. I read this blog (of this woman whose husband has recently died) this morning and as sad as I am for the heartbreak that she is feeling ... but I love reading about her ability to love, with her whole being.

I don't miss being in a relationship. I do miss being in love. New love. Love where the feelings are equal and mutual.

It is an elusive dream. One that I don't waste much time thinking about. I am surrounded by wonderful people. Strong family ties, good friendships and even the people who are in the sidelines of my life are like butterflies that flit in and out of my vision but leave a bit of their beauty in their wake. There is the odd occasion where this isn't the case - where I know someone doesn't 'get' me or appreciate the person that I am. And I can smile at that too. Because it really doesn't matter. The fact is, that I don't really 'get' them either. Even that is mutual.

Deep thoughts going through my head on this Sunday morning. And thoughts of the week ahead. My new life is dawning. I'm not afraid ... but I do long to get into the swing of my new routines so that I know what to expect. I'm not a big fan of surprises. I love my ruts ... but it takes a while to make new ones when you are travelling down a new path.

I'm a little apprehensive ... I am feeling very reflective ... I'm feeling the guilt of wasting a day ... and I am trying to rev myself up for a more productive day today.

My thoughts are everywhere ... but on the book keeping job that I need to complete. That will add the satisfaction that I need to make the day feel like a good one.

It's time to pin down a 'destination' on that map of life and head towards it. One step at a time.