Disjointed

The world through eye glasses is a totally different place to be.

I have had glasses since I was 6 years old. I should know of a life no different. But thanks to the world of contact lenses verses my recent attempt to get back to wearing glasses, there is a vast difference. At least to me.

I remember feeling disjointed and disconnected from the world a lot as a teen. There was a detachment from my brain and body and I perceived life ... differently.

I don't remember the exact time when this detachment became less noticeable but my instincts tell me it is when I got interested in life (boys) and started thinking outside of my own head. But at the very same time, I also got contact lenses.

Which brings me back to the point of my story. When you wear contact lenses (or don't need glasses to enhance your vision), you see the world through your eyes - not through the lenses of a pair of glasses. When you see life through your eyes, you have full peripheral vision. There is a feeling of seeing things directly, rather than through a pair of lenses set apart from your actual eye.

I have worn contact lenses for about 33 years. I wear my glasses after supper, if my eyes are sore or if I've lost a contact lens. I associate wearing glasses with times of rest or on an emergency basis only.

This past week, I have been sporting a new pair of glasses. All day, every day, as I try to adapt my eyes to the world of glasses again. It has been a very odd experience.

Number 1 - is the automatic relaxation/lazy/sleepy mode that I associate with glasses. I look at myself in the mirror and have the feeling that I'm ready for bed. I can fall asleep at any time once I'm in glasses. And I do.

Number 2 - is the 'ugly' association that I have of myself in glasses. I have honestly felt very ugly (since the last 'very bad haircut') the past few months. I never feel beautiful or even pretty. I usually simply feel 'okay' about the reflection in the mirror. And I'm okay with that. But after this sense of walking around feeling ugly, I was ready for a makeover. I thought glasses may work. And I think they did. Until my mom laughed at the Chuck E Cheese rendition of a pencil drawing of Kurt and me on the first day of our holidays (where I was wearing my old glasses and in my ugly hair) ... she said it didn't even look like me. I looked in the mirror and even though I was sporting my new, cool glasses and my newest attempt to try to grow 'past' this most horrible haircut in recent history ... I still look the same as that picture my mom laughed at. 'The ugly' phase is alive and well.

Number 3 - I don't feel like my new glasses are a good 'fit' for me. The eyeglasses totally interfere with my peripheral vision, they are much smaller than I am accustomed to so I am constantly pushing them up because it feels like I'm looking over them. So ... I've worn out the skin at the top of the bridge of my nose. Now it hurts to wear my new glasses.

Number 4 - is the detachment I feel when I wear glasses. It's back. I love looking at the world through contact lenses. It gives me the sense that I am seeing everything first hand - not through a set of lenses, which are set apart from my eyeball.

At the moment, I'm wearing my ugly, old glasses (which are comfortable on my face and give me the feeling of a full range of vision) because I wore my contact lenses yesterday until my eyes were red and uncomfortable (after a week's break from wearing them). I'm having a bad hair day and simply feeling disjointed, ugly and tired.

I would like to banish mirrors from my life. The reflection you see back in a mirror is not important. It's what's within a person that makes them 'beautiful'. But as I look at life this morning through my old, slightly blurry pair of glasses ... I am feeling ugly and disconnected. I think I'll try looking at life through contact lenses once again.