Tiny Habits

It is pure coincidence I have found the desire to write out loud on the day of New Year's Eve. It is even more coincidental I want to write about habits. 

First off, I have recognized an ache within myself I've been filling with food, Netflix, purging on TV series, scrolling, inactivity and simply not being as productive as I am capable of being. 

I have developed an unhealthy relationship with food, TV, cell phone and the ache I feel for isolation. I know I can't solve everything at once but I can tell the essence of "me" is ready to receive direction towards a better way.

I came upon this blog post "Tiny Habits" (bemorewithless.com) many days ago. It spoke to me in a way few things have penetrated my thoughts lately. I scribbled down a few points on a scrap of paper:

• change morning routine - write; read &/or breathe deeply (meditate??)
• movement breaks - every 1 - 2 hours
• gratitude journal
• read
• tackle one decluttering task for 15 minutes
• walk after meals
• ONE line a day journal

This sounds so simple, I thought I should start all of the goals immediately. Then decided otherwise, as I would prefer to add one new habit at a time. So I moved the scrap of paper around daily and changed nothing, other than "drinking more water" (the one new habit I've been diligently maintaining, which is making the "bathroom movement breaks" goal very attainable).  

If I do nothing else, it is my hope to incorporate gratitude and ONE line-a-day that made an impact on me, onto this blog so I can attempt to get back into the habit of writing.

I have missed finding my own answers as I let my fingers fly over the keyboard and write the words that are swimming around aimlessly in my head and make sense of them as they formulate a blog post. I start writing and allow distractions into the room and lose my way. 

I have made myself a sandwich; took a picture and emailed it to myself; responded to a text message; washed this morning's coffee cup and arranged all the ingredients I need to make hamburger soup on the counter after I wrote down the bullet points I hoped to write about this morning.

Distraction is high on the list of habits I want to change as I feel the yearning inside of me to do better, be better and live better than I have been.

I'm not going to make specific goals. I want to alter my habits. Rome wasn't built in a day. ONE step at a time. I can do better. I want to change one bad habit at a time.

Today's challenge? Paint the inside of the cupboard under the sink. I have readied the area and opened the cupboard so the cats can investigate to their heart's content before there is wet paint to contend with.

My intention is set. And I've added a hearty, homemade soup to my agenda to appease my insatiable appetite. I want to curb my appetite with nutritious food - not the McDonald's meal I am truly craving. 

Junk food satisfies a craving. Nutritious food satisfies a body's needs and lasts longer (if one doesn't eat 5 cookies in quick succession after eating a meal). Pause. Let my brain realize my stomach is full before purging on sugar for (yet another) quick fix. 

ONE step at a time. One step in a forward direction. 

Today's Goal

Update (2 hours later):

 

I achieved what I set out to do. Done!

I am now off to watch Oprah talk about how to "Build the Life You Want".

This is NOT the end.

Proceed with Caution!

It's "Christmas" every day around here! I'm a huge fan of the delivery options that are readily available. My December deliveries have included cat food, cat litter, printer paper, printer toner/drum kit, banker boxes and I've recently stumbled upon a few free grocery delivery options. I LOVE it!

My most recent gift in the mail was a paper shredder. It was as easy as opening the box, placing the shredding apparatus upon the paper bin and plugging it in. Voila! I was shredding within minutes. I LOVE easy-to-assemble items!!

Then I noticed the long list of symbols on the top of the shredder. I figured out the "Caution" part of the hieroglyphics but it didn't go much further than that:

Okay. Stop and pause now. Do not read any further. Do your best to decipher what all of the above means.

I will distract you from looking at the answers below and write about the other challenging piece of mail that arrived.

I have recently been hired for a new job. Though I haven't worked out of the house yet, I have invested a lot of time into the process of becoming an employee. I was able to take a one-day orientation course from home and I have been completing, signing, scanning, emailing countless new employee forms. I have signed in and signed up for numerous accounts, with more to follow once I'm at my new workplace.  

I received a letter in regards to immunizations. I'm pretty sure this letter was meant to be emailed. There was no phone contact information, nor clues as to who to contact for specific information. 

I devoted a large part of the day attempting to attend to the tasks defined on this piece of paper. The next day, a revised letter (including a contact phone number) came in the mail. Much easier! Done! I felt like I had conquered my universe.

Onto the next task. Taking my car to the shop to see if they can diagnose a potential problem with a car that is presently in perfect working order.

I have learned a lesson the hard way. I have a "one click" warning when it comes to issues pertaining to starting my car. ONE warning. I turn the ignition. Nothing. So "nothing", that I assume I must not have fully turned the key. Because the next time and countless times afterwards (only countless, because I didn't count the actual number) it starts like a charm. Until it doesn't. One time it was the starter that was gone (a year ago); the second time, it was the battery (three months ago). 

I was five hours away from home when I received my "one click warning". I didn't know how many more starts I would have, so I used my finite number of car-starts frugally. I made it through the remainder of the weekend and all the way home without incident. 

My phone call to my mechanic went something like this, "I don't know if you can diagnose a problem with my car if it is working perfectly but ... ". And they did! It was a bad battery. 100% covered by warrantee! Have you EVER gone to the mechanic and received a bill for $0.00?? Best gift EVER!! 

Life was feeling pretty good. One challenging day makes one appreciate when everything in life happens in a manner that is as easy as taking the next forward step.

Back to my new paper shredder warnings. Below, are the deciphered codes:

My personal favorite? "Please keep children out of this shredder"

Life is full of warnings, cautions and subtle clues to forewarn you of the potential dangers ahead. 

Some, like keeping children out of a paper shredder, are pretty straight forward. 

Others, like a one-start-warning, we learn as we go along.

Proceed with caution. But please DO proceed.

Hi Mom

I had the privilege of a good night's sleep and with it came a bounty of dreams.

You know how convoluted those dream story lines go. I was all over the map. Literally. 

Driving just outside of the city with a friend who died last year. She just needed a friend and all we did was drive. We then ran into the road that has been closed all year and a battalion of army vehicles drove down the road. We detoured and ventured further out of the city.

The next thing I remember we were driving down country roads that petered out into nothing but a walkable path but we saw cars driving off in the distance so we kept driving/walking (??). 

Eventually we ended up in the south/westernmost part of the city. By this time we were walking but I was also walking a bike. When some scary characters crossed our path, I told them to just take the bike to barter for our safety.

We came upon another sketchy group of characters and by this time I was walking with a friend I haven't seen in five years. Details are fuzzy here but I was aware we had a very long way to walk and in a very lucid moment, I said "We know this is a dream. Let's just dream up a car." And we did.

Just as simple as that, a white Mercury Mystique drove up and we quickly hopped in. Who was in their prime and driving the car? Mom. She looked at me and asked if I would drive (Mom wasn't a big fan of driving and was very often a passenger in her own car). I hopped out of the car ...

... and POOF! I was awake. And ready to drive for Mom. She looked so good! We didn't even get a chance to talk. 

It was still good to see her.

It is also a small comfort to see her car parked safely on our driveway.

Thanks, Mom!

The Power of Puttering

I have had the happy pleasure of preparing for guests two weekends in a row. While this sets off a domino effect of panic transformed into productivity, the results are worth it in the end.

Cleaning is always top-of-mind and living with cats makes cleaning an endless and futile job. Vacuuming is the second last thing that gets done, followed by a shower and taming my hair. Once I get my hair washed, my company is usually due within the next hour or two.

But I digress. The reason for this post is due to a morning when I started to putter before I poured my second cup of coffee.

I thought I would bring out my Christmas decorations and bring a little light and joy into the room. I turned on some music and the rest is history ...

Dusting off the unused and neglected decorations brought old memories back to life in a magical way. Everything I touched had been gifted to me over the years. Old friendships, my daycaring days, my family, my dancing years, a handmade decoration from an old family friend which was given to Mom, a gift from my Secret Santa one year ... I thought of each person and the circumstances around receiving each gift as I placed them on my cat-proof "Christmas shelf":

The corner shelf, itself was Mom's. Mom was with me all day as I adorned her shelf the way most people decorate a tree. I served supper on her plates; we drank apple cider out of her crystal wine glasses; we had tea from her china tea cups; we sat in "her room" with our tea, after supper. 

At every turn throughout the day, I heard Mom's voice, felt her spirit and honored my memories of her as they washed through me.

Memories. We are so very fortunate when reminiscing brings about a feeling of peace. The ability to recall and remember is sometimes a privilege we don't have the ability to hold onto forever.

So why? Tell me why?? Why am I tamping down the good stuff? Why am I filling every void within my days and nights with streaming TV shows, podcasts and other people's words? 

It felt SO good to putter around the house with music playing in the background. Light and easy music which left lots of room in my head to think my own thoughts and remember as I touched my life up close and in a personal way.

I have cleaned enough to see beyond the surface dirt and cat hair to discover there is SO much more to be cleaned! I have emptied off enough surfaces to realize I am holding onto things that really don't matter. 

I have come a small way but there is so much further to go.

So why? Tell me why?? Did I wake up the next day and turn on the TV and lose yet another day after tending to only a few small tasks I had left over from the previous day? Why was it so tempting to turn on a podcast and play a mind-numbing word wipe game in the background instead of stopping here to spill some of my thoughts into the written word?

I must remember the Power of Puttering. The magic of music. 

May you find a little piece of yourself today. Tuning into music, turning off social media and scrolling, tend to one small pile that has been accumulating and allow yourself the freedom to putter. Listen to your thoughts, move your body, search for the little piece of serenity within that has been evading you lately.

That sounds bossy. You do "you". We all must do what we need to, to take the next forward step. But when you DO find a little piece of yourself somewhere along the way, stop and nurture the moment and if you can prolong it, try. Just try. 

Balm For the Soul

I took a step away from life as I know it and ran towards the home that brings me serenity. I am here - at my Little Oasis on the Prairie:

I arrived Friday afternoon, bearing ready-made-meals and no agenda whatsoever. All I knew is I didn't have the brain power to think of bringing "ingredients" to turn into homemade meals. I didn't want to be a burden. I didn't want meal planning to take up one corner of my thoughts.

It has been beyond lovely.

A walk-and-talk with my sister which morphed into a lunch and an afternoon visit. Writing a letter to my other sister and walking to the mailbox was the only item on my mental to-do-list.

Once I arrived back home from the mailbox, I started to putter outside. Three hours later, I came inside and popped the store-prepared-pizza into the oven and called it a day. 

It was marvelous.

Today's agenda? More of the same. Simply following the path of least resistance. Amazing how that path leads to productivity when I take a step away from my city home where I live with my work.

Best idea I've had in at least a month. 

May today be the day you follow your own path of least resistance. You deserve it.

Quiet Desperation

I sit here and clutch onto my hot cup of coffee as I desperately hold onto the last moments I am free to call my own today.

I wrote that paragraph and erased the paragraphs to follow. I checked job postings. I took a few typing tests. I peeked my head out into the world beyond the world I have created here at home and feel like a turtle.

I've tucked my head and limbs back into the safety of what I know.

I've worked on my own for 3-1/2 years now. I ran my daycare for 14 years. In a faraway land of long ago, I remember telling myself I was the best boss I ever had. 

I have high expectations of myself. When I stop meeting those expectations, I want to be done. 

I'm there.

But I don't know where to go next.

The saddest part of all, is I do believe I know where I would go if I had no one else to consider ...

I see it.

I just have to get there.

Home.

P.S. I must make a trip to update this photo - a lot has changed since this was taken.

Calm Quiet Place

I have shut the door to our den (aka: "Mom's Room"), gathered a fresh cup of coffee and I'm in my calm, quiet place.

My thoughts have been in a repetitive loop for a very long time, so I have shied away from writing. When people ask how I am, my response is, "Same. Same. And more of the same." And that is the truth.

Holding patterns are comfortable and uncomfortable all at the same time. I've become a little more of who I have been all along and less of who I have been all along. All at the same time.

The past week held a few up-in-the-air variables where I needed to know I had done all I could do, to take a step towards change. That has always brought a feeling of control in an incontrollable situation before. "Do what you can. Then let it go", has been my motto. Trust the pause ...

Thanksgiving came and went this year. I didn't take the time to stop and count my blessings. Truth be told, I count them continually.

I am beyond grateful for the quiet, predictable, safe little life I lead. I peak at the news of what is happening in the world outside of the very small window in which I see the world and I run for cover. I feel like a groundhog who is saying "Spring? Not yet! Not yet!!" and I pop back into my safe little space underground.

I'm in touch with people who matter to me. I have maintained long distance friendships since my family moved when I was nine years old. Long distance, letters, phone calls and sporadic face-to-face contact is warm and comfortable to me. I'm grateful for friends and family who nurture our relationships from afar. I'm grateful for those I do see in the flesh. Less is more when it comes to socializing. At least for me.

Death, dying and chronic illness seem to be a theme among those I know. No one is untouched. Mom used to comment on her feelings on these ongoing conversations. I hear you, Mom. I hear you! 

My sisters and I made our way towards my brother's family's home last month. It was wonderful. Our visit was sprinkled with laughter, familiarity and a sense we were all guests in our temporary AirBnB oasis. It was heavenly. It was life sustaining. Laughter never felt so good.

I have no moral to today's story. I have been craving a little writing time and when I brought out this brand new candle (with a fragrance labelled "Calm Quiet Place") this morning, I thought I would simply stop the world for a few minutes and write.

I miss this space. I miss who I used to be when my fingertips revealed my deepest, unconscious thoughts. I may be back ...

Some Things Bear Repeating

In my valiant attempt to re-jig my finances to find new ways of living within my means, I have cancelled cable and in its place, our internet provider provided a free streaming service. 

A new found wealth of programs I have never accessed before has me watching more TV than ever before. I discovered a documentary section where I have invested many hours. Me, being a long time fan of Cher, found a few documentaries on her. 

I knew I had blogged about Cher after attending two of her concerts. Thus, I opened up my blog and typed "Cher" in the search bar. I lost track of time as I read every post I wrote that contained "Cher" within the context. When I found this one, I thought "this one bears repeating". Enough said.

Here are some thoughts from almost four years ago. The anniversary of the day Mom left this world was a few days ago, so these words feel like a timely message from beyond:

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2019

Filling the Void (Living Life Forward)

I found myself thinking of Mom this morning. "I miss missing her ..." I wrote. As I continued to let my fingers do the walking, I found an inner contentment which has filled the void that was created since Mom died.

While Mom was here, I wrote her a weekly letter. She phoned me in response to my letters. If I was not home, she would wonder where I was and if she had to wait too long before I responded there was a sense of urgency within her voice. She knew my routines and would concern herself when I wasn't where she expected me to be. My holidays would revolve around going out to see Mom. Our sister weekends would often involve going to Mom's.

Mom has been a strong guiding force within my life. I listened to myself repeat what she had said often over the course of my life as I lived it and I wistfully thought of the day when I would be quoting her after she was gone. I was pleased to recognize I appreciated who she was to me while she was here on earth.

After Mom died and the immediate needs of taking care of her house, estate and tying up all loose ends with the lawyer, accountant and our taxation department were done, there was a distinct void in my life that was once filled with "Mom".

The void created the space for me to feel all the feelings I had been tamping down with busyness. It was a time when tears appeared out of nowhere and everywhere all at the same time. It was a time of sadness but it was necessary.

Life doesn't stand still for anyone. The sun continues to rise each and every day, seasons pass, bills need to be paid and life goes on (and on and on). Life dragged me along as I dragged my heals through that first year. It didn't matter. The sun rose. The sun set. Life called out its demands. I had no choice but to move along with the flow.

Fast forward another year. I stopped bucking the idea of moving on. I started making a few plans. I dared to dream a little. I placed my dreams and my final financial gift from Mom into our home. Home renovations began, my thoughts were consumed with all aspects of that. Bit by bit, the void created by Mom's absence began to fill up.

I continue to think of Mom, what she may say or think, I quote what I remember from Mom's vast array of quotable quotes and smile when I think of some of our conversations. She continues to guide my thoughts, actions and motives. She is part of who I am. It is undeniable. Sometimes I must quiet my inner-Margaret but most of the time, I just smile when I get a flash of her expression or hear the scorn in her voice over some inane use of the English language.

The cracks of my life have been filled up with living my life forward. As I think of the past year, it is "full". Full of home renovations, family, plays, Glennon Doyle, Cher, Oprah, friends, getaways, gatherings and celebrations. It was a year which was filled with doing things that filled me up and filled the void left in Mom's absence.

It feels good to feel fulfilled again. I do miss missing Mom but it is more important to go with the flow of life and live it fully while one is able to do so. I still feel Mom's guiding force and I hear Dad within my thoughts too. Between the two of them, they gave me the tools, my siblings, a strong sense of who I am and who I aspire to be.

Life goes on. We carry bits and pieces of everyone we meet as we make our way along. I am grateful to have thoughts of Mom and Dad within me. It is my hope to live my life in a way that would please and honor them.

The Best Holiday I Didn't Know I Needed

Have you ever taken a holiday without really feeling a great need to get away? When the ache to separate work and home isn't the driving force? When splurging on a little getaway feels like an indulgence and not a need?

I just returned from such a retreat. I wasn't running away from anything. I wasn't running anywhere. I was drawn towards a place I called home for 18 years. I had a yearning to stay at a little home-away-from-home at an AirBnB close to where I grew up. 

I ached for an independence and solitude you don't get when you stay with family or friends. Don't get me wrong! I love visiting and meeting up with people. I simply enjoy the feeling of having time alone to digest, absorb, reflect and fully inhale the day I am anticipating or have just lived.

I had a moment of angst at the end of my very first day. It was a day where I left my little oasis first thing in the morning, touched base at one point and was immediately off again, returning at dusk. I thought "Oh no!! When will I have time to savor the moments right here at my little 'home'?"

The very next day was all about those moments. I sat on the balcony, read a book, gazed upon the rooftops and yards of the neighborhood while awaiting my guests. One set of guests left and I gathered up more company for the duration of the day. It was marvelous.

I didn't have to rush home on check-out-day so I returned to the balcony, reopened my book and simply inhaled. A deep breath where everything felt good and right. A moment I knew I could recreate at home but I savored the fact that it was nestled within memories of relaxed and relaxing visits with people who mean the world to me. 

I drove home to the sound track of music of yester-year. Feelings of days when I didn't know what life had in store and my inner me was simply young and a little naïve. 

The innocence of my youth was seasoned generously throughout a vacation away from my day-to-day life. Though I had many visits of a serious nature, I was grounded in the sensation of "coming home".

I walked by Mom's house. It has changed. Life goes on.

I spotted several rabbits as I made my way through the days. The first crossed my path as I left after a visit with my brother's family. A second was spotted as I headed southward to walk the paths of my youth. Not a rabbit to be seen near or around Mom's. One more rabbit ran parallel to me on a busy road as I headed to visit my childhood friend. Not many rabbits, but I felt a significance in the timing of their appearance. 

It was the best holiday I didn't even know I needed. I highly recommend it. Don't put off those little retreats too long. They are best enjoyed when you are enjoying a version of your best self.

Rabbit-Palooza!

I finally found out where the rabbits have gone. They have moved onto greener pastures north of where I've been searching. They were everywhere!

I spotted one. Then two more. Then four were together. I kept walking. I kept spotting groups of rabbits. A friendly walker noticed me snapping a picture. She told me she had spotted at least 25 rabbits in this park but there were more rabbits in other parks.

I stayed on the walking path and kept spotting rabbits. I ran out of path so I took the city sidewalk and circled around and took the southern most part of a different path in the same park. At one point, I saw ten rabbits in a group with a few more in the periphery. 

I was in rabbit heaven.

I stayed on the walking path and the rabbits thinned out. But they were still there. I walked to the end of the path and wasn't entirely sure of the fastest way home, as I ended up in a residential area full of crescents, coves, courts and roads to no where. 

Even as I neared home, I spotted three more rabbits in the school playground I used to frequent regularly with my daycare family.

The day feels blessed by rabbits. No woo-woo feelings about the why of it all. I simply took a new path.

Sometimes it is as simple as that. We need to go new places to see new sights, feel new feelings and remember there is more than one road that takes us back home.

Distraction Fever

I've slipped a little off the "joie de vivre" arc I had been riding but I'm hanging in. I think I know my secret to regaining lost ground.

Purpose - a keen sense of an eye on what I want to accomplish and following through on it.

Sounds simple. I must learn to live the mantra "just do ONE thing". One action in the direction I want to go. One. That one action has an equal and opposite reaction. 

Some days? One move in the right direction takes me down a garden path of distraction. Other days? One good action begets another and another and so on and so forth. Then there are the days that ONE action is the beginning and end of all good intentions. 

When the going gets tough, the tough turn on the TV. Television and the glorious invention of "on demand", taping, pausing, rewinding and all the streaming options available has become the death of my best intentions.

I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. But? I do have an addiction to mind numbing activities.

I can see the repercussions in my writing. My thoughts don't have any meat on their bones. I skim the surface but I've stopped looking deeper. 

Even when I walk, my thought process has changed. I'm drawn to a park where there is a water feature that attracts nature in all its glory. I stop, look, listen and watch. Ducks, red winged blackbirds, rabbits and even bugs. Always moving. Life in motion. At least at six a.m. 

I wondered "Where do ducks sleep?" as I watched the family who appears to call this pond home. Google tells me they mostly sleep floating on the water. Floating. Even while sleeping there is movement. 

I replaced "duck" with "crow" in the above Google search and just fell down a deep rabbit hole reading about crows. Crows fascinate me ...

Distraction.

Sometimes I learn a little when I take these detours in my day.  Other times, I fritter away a perfectly good day doing little to nothing while following the whims of my thoughts. At least I'm thinking.

Today. Today I must choose and follow through on starting ONE thing. Start. Just start!

I don't want to lose the momentum I gained by accomplishing some of the tasks I call "hard". Start. Just start ...

I'm Here!

I have been walking through my days with a renewed sense of "being".

I have wanted to shout from the rooftops "I'm back!",

but the quieter I go, the more I realize "I'm here".

I'm just here.

In the moment.

Moments where I'm not feeling overwhelmed or anxious.

I'm present.

I'm here.

The stage of dormancy I retreated to has passed

for the moment.

I'm acting on my thoughts

and the rewards are plentiful.

I've been walking this week.

First thing in the morning is the only time I seem to make it work.

Nothing pulling at me, no coffee in my system.

Just early morning thoughts and the knowledge there is no better way to start a day.

I've spotted one or two rabbits each morning.

They have all seemed to be on high alert and on the run.

Except one.

When I stopped to take its picture, it had hunkered down into the "rock" pose.

I love how rabbits can hide in plain sight.

Most times, it is their movement that gives away their spot.

When one holds its ground and blends into its surroundings,

knowing full well a predator is in sight,

I wonder ...

Do you have babies close by?

Are you in protection mode?

Or do you simply sense I mean no harm?

I haven't got to know these rabbits,

so there I doubt there is any sense of familiarity.

I was simply fortunate enough to spot a rabbit hiding in full sight.

Hiding in full sight.

Kind of how I have been living the last long while.

I'm on the move.

For now.

I'm here.

And I'm enjoying the views.

 

Today

July has truly felt like a renewed beginning within this little world of mine.

Lines in the sand cement have been drawn.

A date has been set.

Day by day I see evidence of moving towards my plan of action.

One transition triggered the next course of events.

At least a year ago, I uttered the words aloud to those who would be affected,

 "When 'A' happens, 'B' will follow."

'A' happened.

'B' is in the works.

It has been like a domino has tipped over within my heart, mind and soul.

Life and death and everything in between has been brought to the forefront of my thoughts.

Friends, families, relationships and connections have been highlighted in neon yellow.

Focus on today, 

move towards the tomorrow you envision, 

step outside and take in whatever lies before you.

Breathe ...

 

Holding Memories

Memories ...

We collect them over the course of our lives

It is a gift when we can recall these moments on demand

Especially when we are reminded these moments are precious and dear,

With a limited time warranty.

A friend who was near and dear to my heart is gone

I don't know the end of her story

We had drifted apart after her last move

Distance has never stopped me before

I'm disappointed I let this time be different.

She was beyond special

Perhaps a little too precious for this world of ours.

Anyone who knew her spoke highly of her

She was an angel unaware

Beautiful inside and out

A gentle and tender spirit who walked among us.

She lived and breathed and experienced life with a sense of "aaah"

Walking beside her and seeing the world through her eyes

Made ordinary moments extraordinary.

We worked together

We remained friends despite job changes, moves and life transformations.

We were two of a small group of friends who cherished any time we could get together

Our friendships were celebrated and honored

We amassed a treasure trove of memories - written and remembered

We spoke the words out loud.

The door is always open

No pressure

Whenever you can make it is the perfect time

No expiry dates

No expectations

Simple friendship that was anything but simple

Memories I am grateful to recall in pictures, movies, notes and letters over the course of time.

Memories to have and to hold.

It's a New Year!

July 1st feels like a brand new year this year.

All accounting jobs and expectations for the previous year end have been wrapped up.

On one hand, one of my jobs will be ending any day now.

On the other hand, I have given a one year's notice of resignation to my accounting job. My goal is to organize my little office and wrap up the year 2023. Leave my work organized enough so my heir-apparent can step into the role I will leave behind.

I will then move to my little oasis on the prairie. My hope is to take the summer off and then step into a job with hours conducive to living a life beyond work, make friends and connections and let my next "happily ever after" begin.

I have learned there are no happily ever afters in life. Simply new beginnings, renewed hope and more change. Always change.

The only thing certain in life are death and taxes and change.

I have drawn a line in the cement and I'm making way for a renewed life. One year from today ...

Happy New Year! 

Easy Come, Easy Go

I got a bill for $19.00 last week, to renew one of our cat's licenses.

I received a cheque in the mail yesterday for $18.86.

The number of times this has happened within my budgeting world are too numerous to mention. 

What I have noticed is when I watch my spending carefully, the income to expense ratio is often offset.

Our second cat's license will be forthcoming within the next month or so. 

If I don't receive a cash bonus to offset this expense, maybe it's time for the cat to move out...

Movin' on Up

I have come to a calm acceptance about aging, body image and worrying about what others think. My underlying belief is kindness, a genuine smile and pleasant demeanor go a lot further than the way a person looks.

My aunt started nudging me into this way of thinking many years ago. I was coloring my hair at the time and she knew it. "Why do people color their hair?" she would ask. Time and time again. I defended my position with the response "I want to feel okay with the reflection in my mirror"; "Once you start coloring your hair, it becomes about dealing with the roots" and several other variations of the same answer. To which she would reply, "You still look OLD, you know"; "Black hair and a wrinkled face don't fool anyone"; "Nobody else cares" and several variations of her own responses would follow.

We had this conversation on repeat for many years. Then the pandemic and self isolation recommendations gave me the courage to forge through the uncomfortable phase of dealing with my roots as they grew out. A year later, I was completely "natural" and my hair was the color God intended. My aunt complimented my hair color time and time and time again. Yes, letting go of the facade was the right way to go. 

Then came the weight gain.

I lamented that I was fine with the extra poundage but I wished my clothes would grow right along with me. Weekends became my favorite days because I could wear my black pajama bottoms all day, feel dressed and be comfortable. Wearing actual clothes was something I dreaded as much as Monday mornings. Discomfort in every form of the word. I felt awful in my skin and worse in my clothes. Thank goodness I was comfortable in my natural hair color.

Budgeting has always been a priority in my little world. While others may go on a diet, I would go on a budget. I couldn't afford a new wardrobe so I had to be able to fit into my existing clothes. This strategy worked for six decades then something changed. I want to believe it is just a tumor that has extended my waistline to great lengths but that doesn't explain the excess on my legs and rear view. Maybe it's a glandular thing ...

Enough was enough. I finally succumbed to spending some of my hard earned money on clothes that actually fit. Value Village to the rescue!

It was easy to cull through the clothes I don't wear or no longer fit, so I had a donation of clothing which rewarded me with 20% off of my purchases. I came home with two pair of capris; two tops; two pajama bottoms (yes, even my pj's are tight!!); and one pajama top for $36.29 (add my current credit card which is paying 5% cash back on all purchases for the first three months and that is a further $2.88 in savings).

I couldn't wait to get dressed the next morning. As I stepped into my proper fitting clothes, it was as comfortable as wearing my pajamas! The wave of excitement that rippled through my being was palpable. It felt good to be dressed again!

I'm not quite sure I have the same acceptance with the reflection in my mirror. My aunt no longer comments on my appearance, so I fall back to her default response "No one else cares" to appease my concerns. Mom would care ...

In the meantime, I am reveling in the fact that Tuesday is 30% off for ages 60+ at Value Village. So I topped up my new wardrobe with a few more items. For a grand total of $44.20, I have updated my wardrobe with these items:

My size has doubled since I was "in my prime" but I'm movin' on up the only way I know how. Bargains all the way, baby!

In Lieu of a Cigarette...

Further to my post yesterday, when I thought I should take up smoking to force me to be still outside and simply take a nature break, I savored my second cup of coffee outside this morning.

It was already hot, so I found a shady spot and let my legs spill out into the sunlight. A robin was chirping and encouraging me to come out and play. It was a very convincing song. I enjoyed every note. 

I sat still. I listened. I watched the birds (mostly sparrows, I think) disappear into our lawn. I spotted a bird using the bird house. I wondered what it must be like to be a bird. I have lived a lifetime of living pay cheque to pay cheque. How different is it to be a bird who lives from meal to meal, with seasonal nesting requirements and keeping safe from danger EVERY day of the year? 

I scanned the blue sky to find a jet stream in the distance. Where had that plane been? Where was it going? Who was on board? Were they travelling for business? Pleasure? A family emergency? So many stories within that little speck in the sky.

I was grateful for our maintained lawn. Several weeks of a disabled lawnmower helped me appreciate the much dreaded task of tending to a lawn during the spring growing season. The lawn needs a fresh cut again, but the dandelions have been tamed and we have a lawnmower that will tend to the task. Oh, how fortunate we are!

Mom's wind chime was still. I gazed at it, remembering times when I felt that chime speak to me on a windless day. I willed it to speak to me this morning but it didn't have anything to say.

Thoughts of Mom and Dad, of those who no longer walk on this earth and recent conversations I have listened to that spoke to the fact of how one lives on after they stop breathing. Without getting all spiritual or whimsical, there is an undeniable truth to those words. I feel Mom's essence within me all the time. I speak and I hear her words come out of my mouth. I hear Dad's wisdom chime in when it comes to that which he taught me or conversations we had. I think of those who are alive and well, and the way they live within me when they are out of sight. Chance encounters with strangers that make a lasting impression. 

I was sitting outside by myself. But I was not alone. 

Breathing in the moment without distraction was the best gift we can give ourselves. Take some time to deeply inhale today. Exhale and do your best to let go of the toxins within. It can't hurt and maybe, just maybe it will help just a bit.

20 seconds of "Morning Bliss"

I Think I Want to Start Smoking

Many mornings, while I am making my first cup of coffee, I gaze out of our kitchen window and see our neighbor on their front doorstep having a morning cigarette. She is doing nothing else. She is simply outside, gazing into space or nature or checking out the weeds in the flower garden for all I know. She is still. She is outside. She is smoking.

It is a serene sight. It makes me want to smoke.

There are a lot of pros to this idea:

• you must smoke outdoors (in most cases)
• the smoke acts as a natural mosquito repellent 
• your body naturally craves this forced down-time
• long, deep inhales followed by consciously exhaling
• it is a forced work break
• in social situations, it is a reason to step aside for a while
• it is a break as long as the cigarette lasts - not too long, not too short
• if I could smoke instead of eat, I could fit back into my clothes in due time

Yes, I know. The con list is longer, more logical and scientifically proven to win any debate on the matter. The cons win. Hands down. But what could a person substitute for smoking to gain the benefits?

Stepping outside, just to breathe the air, listen to the birds and watch the clouds is so alluring. Yet I don't take that one small step. It's too hot/cold/windy/rainy. There are too many bugs. The cats will want to go outside with me.

The only thing my body seems to naturally crave is food, coffee and bathroom breaks. I multitask whenever I do "any of the above". I turn on the TV/check emails/grab my phone or a number of other distractions when my body is simply telling me to STOP. 

The only time I catch myself breathing deeply is when I'm in way over my head within my little home office. I breath deeply a lot. Not the quite the same as taking that long, deep breath on our deck. At least I'm breathing.

I manage socializing when I must. In fact in most cases I actually enjoy it. Even more true, is the fact that those whose ears I am talking off may quite possibly wish I did smoke so I would know when to end a conversation. Inserting a natural pause into a social setting could benefit mankind.

When I do take a break, I either stop too long or not long enough. I grab a bite to eat, turn on the TV and either stop only long enough to inhale what is on my plate or I shut down entirely. On the days I stop cold, only the sound of a ringing phone, incoming text message or email spur me back into my office.

Replacing eating with a bright new habit would be such a boon. The comfort I get from chewing, savoring, swallowing and going back for more food really, really makes me wish I smoked. I have a feeling this is part of the allure into this deadly habit. 

Dancing. Those were the days. I would turn on the music and simply dance. I would practise dance steps, technique and/or new choreography. Music filled the air and I was lost in the moments. There was no room for any other thoughts when I was in the dance studio. It was like walking into Cheers, where everyone knew my name. Everyone was united in a common interest and quest to move to the beat of whatever music was playing.

It could be somewhat foolish looking to start dancing outside on my deck. But hey! "Dance like no one is watching" is something I've heard somewhere.

It is probably healthier than smoking.

P.S. The high cost of dancing, the great discomfort of wearing dance shoes, the need to update my wardrobe, my work schedule and the fact that my most favorite dance studio in the world closed down has eliminated dancing as a replacement for smoking. I may start smoking after all ...

Joy Spotting

I have stepped back from writing until I could refocus and see life through a different lens. Is it a coincidence that I started spotting joy after an eye appointment yesterday? Are my new glasses helping me see everything better? Perhaps ...

I didn't get my new (replacement) specs until the end of my eye appointment, which was followed by a dentist appointment a few hours later.

After turning the ringer off on my phone, I purposely looked up. I watched and listened to my surroundings. 

The first thing I focused on was a family of three - a mom and three children. One makes a lot of assumptions when people watching and I found myself believing these three were siblings and the adult was the mom. What I saw, was three children simply being themselves. 

The oldest hovered in the toy/book area with the youngest. The youngest was captivated by the books. Putting one away before pulling out another, sitting at the child sized table and taking in all there was to see within the pages. No hurry. Simple enjoyment. The middle child sat on the mother's knee. 

Each child was content in the moment they were in. The child who appeared to need the closeness of a parent was not being forced to join the others, go play or even be any further away from comfort than they needed to be. The oldest was not engaged in an active caregiver roll. My impression was that the oldest was kind of grateful for a younger sibling which gave them the excuse to play with the toys. The youngest was content in their independence, yet secure in the knowledge they were not alone. Siblings, comfort and safety was an arm's length away.

Bliss. Pure bliss. To watch a young family simply "be" together. 

Meanwhile, other patients were checking in and I simply sat back and absorbed the light rapport and kindnesses that were volleyed back and forth between patients and receptionists. Good manners, good humor, gentle words lightly seasoned with laughter. 

It was nothing. But it was everything.

The past three years, I have ventured out of the house as little as possible. When I did leave the security of home, I was armed with a face mask, hand sanitizer and a very healthy dose of physical distance between those inhabiting the same space. Many others wore similar armor. 

We can witness people's smiles again. Children can play with toys and books in a public space. The underlying fear of exposure to a force we could not see but was evidenced all around us has abated.

As I sat back and simply inhaled the moments watching people be people, I refocused on the joy of simple pleasures. People being people. Together. 

When we isolate ourselves and our main source of information is the news and news feeds we invite into our existence, we are seeing only a very narrow vantage point of an entire panoramic view. 

When our personal lives become focused on that-which-is-out-of-our-control, it is extremely hard to find the courage to let go and let life unfold. Life is a delicate house of cards. When we think we know the forecast, we try to find a way to manage the aftermath. Even when we aren't certain of the chain of events that may or may not take us down that road.

I have become hyper-focused on far too many situations that are out of my control. When I left the house yesterday, looked up and into the world and focused on the moment I was in. It was good.

It is time to focus on joy again. 

Week Days = Weak Days

My life depletes me.

I feel the constant pull, tug and drag of to-do's; should-do's; must-do's; and want-to-do's at every turn.

I was catapulted into the week at hand with (what felt like) a hundred things pulling and tugging at me the moment I returned from my weekend oasis.

Cats. Cat hair. Cat litter. Cat sneaked under my covers. Again. 

Work. Phone. Work. Email. Work. Texts.

Yard.

I left my weekend oasis fully charged and ready for the week.

Monday depleted me. Tuesday took what was left over.

One deadline will be met today. Six more are looming.

Wednesday used to feel like my "power day". I was back in the swing of things and running on all cylinders. Lately, I feel as if I'm running on all cylinders all the time.

My week days make me weak in the knees.

I'm ready for a holiday.

Here We Go Again

I think I found a piece of myself this past weekend.

I found it while savoring some solitude in my little oasis away from home

I hope I can hold onto whatever this is once I step back into my regularly scheduled life.

I don't want to go home.

I love this little piece of heaven right here on earth.

I'll be back!

I know I have the same easy feeling within my home,

but it is a relief to spend time away from my work that lives with me 

... and all the cat hair.

Oh, the cat hair.

May you find a small piece of heaven somewhere within your day-to-day world.

Firing on All Cylinders

I feel open and receptive to the messages the world has to offer at the moment. My "openness" ebbs and flows with the tidal waves of living and I am always grateful for the moments of clarity that seem to appear when I am able to be still, listen and absorb all at the same time. 

That is exactly where I am in this moment.

As I tuned into CBC television to await Charles' coronation, a podcast by Gavin Crawford called "Let's Not Be Kidding" was advertised. When googling Gavin's name, the first line of his bio states: "If laughter really was the best medicine, Gavin Crawford would have cured his mother of Alzheimer’s disease." (https://www.cbc.ca/listen/cbc-podcasts/1387-let-s-not-be-kidding-with-gavin-crawford

He had me at "hello". Thank you Gavin, for your first hand recollection of oh-so-relatable memories and situations, and also to your co-starring cast of those who are or have walked the path of caring for a loved one with any form of dementia. Adding a dose of humor to a disease that isn't the least bit funny helps make the situation more palatable. Hearing first hand, of those who have walked a mile in these shoes is truly a gift. 

Once I listened to Episode One, I was hooked. I listened to all seven episodes concurrently (and made a few salads while I listened - the most painless cooking I've done in a long time). Thank you, Gavin. Thank you!!

An email from the library, reminding me that my book is due in a few days propelled me straight toward Michelle Obama's book "The Light We Carry" this morning.

I put down Michelle's book last weekend to open Harry's book "Spare" and had forgotten the way Michelle's writing spoke to me. The moment I reopened the book this morning, I was hooked. She had me at "Good morning!". 

The only pitfall to reading Michelle's book is the tangents of thought I get carried away with. Any stories relating to her parents, the way her mom was raised and the way Michelle was mothered had me comparing and contrasting my own personal memories of my own siblings, along with Mom and her siblings. "Life back then didn’t revolve around kids. For the most part they were seen and not heard", Mom said. "It’s more like they were heard of and never seen" her sister added. Which triggered a long list of thoughts and perceptions as I compared Michelle's lens with Mom's ...

It didn't end there. As Michelle continued to write, she continued to ignite memories, thoughts and words that I'd like to sit still with one day. I grabbed a notepad, scribbled down my thoughts and filled two (small) pages. Wow! I may still have some inspiration and words within me after all. Thank you, Michelle. Thank you for helping me find my own light!

 Ping! Ping! Ping! My brain was on fire and I was having a hard time absorbing Michelle's words, so I got up and got some chili simmering in the slow cooker. Wow. Salads AND chili!! "If I cook it, WILL they come?" I wondered as I prepped a few salads to go and a few more to stay. I'm really on fire!!

I cannot wait to finish Michelle's book so I can focus on Harry again. I have an audiobook/library book combo so I'm listening to the first part of his book as I drive, while I fast forwarded to "Part 3" of his physical book. He has a lot to say and I don't want to miss a word. In fact, I'd really like to chat with him in person after the day he had yesterday, at his dad's coronation.

The clock is ticking the morning away and I still have a few things I'd like to get done before the clock strikes twelve. I feel like Cinderella but my clock is chiming at noon instead of midnight. And after all I've been learning about royalty, I'm sure not waiting for Prince Charming's arrival on the scene.

So much to do, so much to think, so much to write. I feel alive!

Thank you, thank you, thank you to those who fired me up and reignited some spark within me that has been starved for oxygen. Thank you!

A World Event; a Family Divided

I have a fascination with the Royal Family so decided to camp out in front of the TV last night and sleep my way through King Charles' coronation.

After Queen Elizabeth died, I watched several documentaries of her life and thought I had a glimmer of an idea what to expect. What I forgot is the running commentary and skip-to-the-highlights reel within said documentaries. 

Watching a coronation unfold in real time, while drifting in and out of sleep is not something I will do again any time soon.

First of all, with all of those robes and wardrobe changes (Charles had as many costume changes as Cher and none of them quite as fascinating), I had a very hard time keeping track of the star of the show. At one groggy point of the ceremony, I saw a balding grey haired man in a robe take a sip out of a golden goblet. I automatically assumed it was the new King. Then he turned around and shared the contents of the goblet with a few more people after giving them (what looked like a chip) what I believe must have been "host" and this was part of a communion (?). 

I have not fact checked one iota of what I'm writing and I was in and out of sleep and various stages of grogginess but it was pretty hard to follow in a dream like state.

Where were William and family? Where was Harry? Where was the rest of the family? Why were they not panning the audience with the cameras to showcase the supporting cast? Why can't I understand anything that is being said? Remember, I was mostly asleep throughout.

When I finally woke up and stayed awake, they were saying the Lord's Prayer. That's a good sign, I thought. That must mean things are winding up. I was wrong. There were a few more hymns, a few more prayers and a blessing to go. All I could think was the Royal Training must begin at a very young age for William and Kate's children to be so well behaved for such a long ceremony.

Throughout the ceremony, I had intertwined the soundtrack of the coronation within a dream I was having. I was sitting with Mom in a huge churchlike place. People everywhere, hymns, people coming and going. The performance went on and on and on. At one point, I looked over at Mom and she had an unlit cigarette in her mouth and she dryly said, "I think I'm going to start smoking again".

I was relieved when the narrative of the commentators came back and I chastised myself for losing a night's sleep over something that will be replayed and rehashed over the next long while (honestly, I didn't lose much sleep - my dream with Mom and me in attendance was much, much longer and more detailed and included cameos of Boris Johnson and Barack Obama - don't ask ... it was a long and complicated dream).

I have been reading and listening to Harry's book "Spare", thus Harry was very much in my thoughts. I haven't finished his book yet but as he recalls his memories, thoughts and feelings as he grew up and beyond, I can only see him as the individual I perceive him to be by his honest recount. Diana was a year and a half younger than me and right from the moment she married Charles, I slipped her shoes on for size and knew I wouldn't want to walk a block in them. To read/listen to her youngest son's first hand narrative of his life and not be a larger part of his father's coronation felt wrong to me. All wrong.

When any belief system or set of rules creates a clear cut "you are in or you are out" chasm in a family, I tend to be suspicious and question the source of the division. The rules the Royal Family must adhere to, all the while, living life under the wide lens camera with a bounty on pictures that create a story that sells papers makes me marvel at the job Queen Elizabeth did for 70 years.

While all the pomp and circumstance was interesting and news worthy, my heart went out to those who were not a part of the Buckingham Palace balcony scenario. I saw a family divided and putting on a good show for the world. 

As Mom once said, "A person never knows what goes on behind closed doors". We will never truly know what it is like to walk in a Royal's shoes and maybe we should be grateful to live our quiet little lives without public scrutiny.

Easy Like Friday Morning

I have been meandering through the morning like it is a weekend. And that's okay.

This week has been peppered with diversion and there are no looming deadlines, payrolls or big tasks to tend. Instead, unexpected things-to-do have cropped up and I jumped right on them so they didn't have time to sit in yet another things-to-be-finished pile. 

"Like ripping off a Band-Aid", I said aloud as I stroked items off my list before the list was written. Yes. That IS the way to tackle the unending requirements of my job and life in general.

I did what had to be done, tackled some yard work and washed a few windows. It is completing the added tasks that have added a little bounce back into my step. The above and beyond.

Going above and beyond was something I felt good about within my past jobs. Making a customer service experience feel as good as one can make it and writing daycare newsletters and blog posts were the things that brought joy into my 9 - 5, Monday to Friday life. 

Going above and beyond has gone out the window lately. Maybe not. Maybe the fact that I am employed by friends and family dilute the extra little things I do (previously referred to as "above and beyond") as simply that which one expects of themselves.

The cost of working for those you know well is the personal involvement that takes a slow and gradual toll. I have been working with aging seniors and been a witness to their slow decline. 

I can feel where Mom was coming from when she spoke of not wanting to be in a community of "old people". We often laughed at our 80+ year old mom refer to others her age as old. She has the last laugh. Aging has less to do with the number of candles on one's birthday cake and everything to do with the internal dialogue and fate one has been handed that defines how one manages those senior years.

Mom saw the writing on my wall when I started working with seniors six years ago. She knew where this road would take me. I'm managing it well enough. But ... but ...

It is taking a toll. I rolled with the punches this week and reveled in the relative ease I felt without must-meet-deadlines. I was revitalized by going a little above and beyond the call of duty. But ... but ...

I'm ready for my weekend one day ahead of schedule.

Thus, I have been coasting through my morning like it is Sunday instead of Friday. I'm just going to go with it. Let us rewrite the song ... "♪ Easy like Friday morning.. ♪"

May your Friday morning feel easy on you ...