Some Things Bear Repeating

In my valiant attempt to re-jig my finances to find new ways of living within my means, I have cancelled cable and in its place, our internet provider provided a free streaming service. 

A new found wealth of programs I have never accessed before has me watching more TV than ever before. I discovered a documentary section where I have invested many hours. Me, being a long time fan of Cher, found a few documentaries on her. 

I knew I had blogged about Cher after attending two of her concerts. Thus, I opened up my blog and typed "Cher" in the search bar. I lost track of time as I read every post I wrote that contained "Cher" within the context. When I found this one, I thought "this one bears repeating". Enough said.

Here are some thoughts from almost four years ago. The anniversary of the day Mom left this world was a few days ago, so these words feel like a timely message from beyond:

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2019

Filling the Void (Living Life Forward)

I found myself thinking of Mom this morning. "I miss missing her ..." I wrote. As I continued to let my fingers do the walking, I found an inner contentment which has filled the void that was created since Mom died.

While Mom was here, I wrote her a weekly letter. She phoned me in response to my letters. If I was not home, she would wonder where I was and if she had to wait too long before I responded there was a sense of urgency within her voice. She knew my routines and would concern herself when I wasn't where she expected me to be. My holidays would revolve around going out to see Mom. Our sister weekends would often involve going to Mom's.

Mom has been a strong guiding force within my life. I listened to myself repeat what she had said often over the course of my life as I lived it and I wistfully thought of the day when I would be quoting her after she was gone. I was pleased to recognize I appreciated who she was to me while she was here on earth.

After Mom died and the immediate needs of taking care of her house, estate and tying up all loose ends with the lawyer, accountant and our taxation department were done, there was a distinct void in my life that was once filled with "Mom".

The void created the space for me to feel all the feelings I had been tamping down with busyness. It was a time when tears appeared out of nowhere and everywhere all at the same time. It was a time of sadness but it was necessary.

Life doesn't stand still for anyone. The sun continues to rise each and every day, seasons pass, bills need to be paid and life goes on (and on and on). Life dragged me along as I dragged my heals through that first year. It didn't matter. The sun rose. The sun set. Life called out its demands. I had no choice but to move along with the flow.

Fast forward another year. I stopped bucking the idea of moving on. I started making a few plans. I dared to dream a little. I placed my dreams and my final financial gift from Mom into our home. Home renovations began, my thoughts were consumed with all aspects of that. Bit by bit, the void created by Mom's absence began to fill up.

I continue to think of Mom, what she may say or think, I quote what I remember from Mom's vast array of quotable quotes and smile when I think of some of our conversations. She continues to guide my thoughts, actions and motives. She is part of who I am. It is undeniable. Sometimes I must quiet my inner-Margaret but most of the time, I just smile when I get a flash of her expression or hear the scorn in her voice over some inane use of the English language.

The cracks of my life have been filled up with living my life forward. As I think of the past year, it is "full". Full of home renovations, family, plays, Glennon Doyle, Cher, Oprah, friends, getaways, gatherings and celebrations. It was a year which was filled with doing things that filled me up and filled the void left in Mom's absence.

It feels good to feel fulfilled again. I do miss missing Mom but it is more important to go with the flow of life and live it fully while one is able to do so. I still feel Mom's guiding force and I hear Dad within my thoughts too. Between the two of them, they gave me the tools, my siblings, a strong sense of who I am and who I aspire to be.

Life goes on. We carry bits and pieces of everyone we meet as we make our way along. I am grateful to have thoughts of Mom and Dad within me. It is my hope to live my life in a way that would please and honor them.

Filled to Overflowing

Do you ever have those moments that are fleeting but in the millisecond that you stop to breathe it in, it is like you are feeling the miracle of life? I get these flashes of clarity that feel bigger than life. Let me tell you about my last moment such as this ...

My sister invited me to go to Cher with her a while back. It took but a nanosecond for me to read and respond to this invitation. "Yes" was the only option that crossed my mind. Cher's concert was two nights ago.

My sister has had an occasion to sleep over here four times in the last seven weeks. She has a bed with her name on it. Anything I need to remember to give her is simply tossed onto "her" bed until the next time.

Our visits are quick, light, easy and always leave me feeling on top of the world. We decided to go out for breakfast in honor of our last sister sleepover for a while. As I was driving into Denny's parking lot, my heart simply swelled up with joy.

Each and every one of our visits has been great. Last night was the grand finale of them all. We shared a drink before supper then headed off to our evening's entertainment. The long line up moved quickly and when we got to the part where our tickets were scanned, my sister was told "Don't go anywhere", so she didn't. My ticket was scanned and we were told to go to the Ticket Exchange table to get better seats.

We felt like we had won a lottery until we found the table and back tracked to the end of another very long line. I guess we weren't so special after all. None-the-less we were still thrilled with the upgrade.

The feeling that I had won the lottery stayed with me all night. My sister is joyful, says "yes" to life's invitations, loves the moment she is in, adores her family, honors her friends, she works as hard as she plays and it simply feels good to be in her presence.

We shared a drink and conversation when we got home from seeing Cher, woke up and continued the conversation over a cup of coffee, then drove to Denny's where we would complete that conversation over breakfast.

Driving into Denny's parking lot, my heart filled to overflowing. I was loving the moment I was in, grateful for all the visits we've had and looking forward to when our lives intersect again.

The connection within our family is a gift I cherish like no other. It fills me up, makes me whole and calms my soul. I am grateful. I am so very grateful.

A Super Soul Summer Lineup

The sun is shining, the cats are content, the roof is freshly shingled and I'm crossing the hard stuff off my eternal things-to-get-done list. Life is good.

My hard things are pretty easy. They are simply time consuming, take up space in my brain and weigh me down. Things like getting my hair cut, getting an oil change, picking up a prescription, coloring my hair, washing sheets and getting groceries. They are simple little tasks that are nice to have behind me before the weekend arrives.

It is Wednesday - a very good day to start tackling the pre-weekend errands. My ambition is being spurred on, due to the fact that my sister is arriving tomorrow so we can go to see Cher [insert great joy and excitement here]!

This Thursday night adventure came with the stress of asking for a day off each of my jobs. Which, once my requests were granted, quickly transformed into the anticipation of knowing I get one evening and one day off this week.

I am having a hard time pushing myself out of my comfort zone these days. I have notations and mental lists of invitations I should issue but I haven't acted on any of them.

"Family" is filling my need for company and spontaneity. There is little that makes me happier than my son showing up on our doorstep with nothing more than a cup of coffee and a visit on his agenda. It is a bonus when he offers up his handyman services but I am quite content with coffee and conversation.

My siblings will soon be busy with their summer schedules but this spring has brought several opportunities for us to get together. In fact, one of my sisters has staked claim on one of our beds and said, "Don't wash the sheets yet - I'll be back!". I told her she should have picked a better bed if it was going to be hers, but I simply smile and think of my thoughts of Mom and "her room" here. I have a feeling there may soon be a "Donna's room" in our midst. When my finances recover from our outdoor maintenance expenses, I must attempt to make her room/bed more comfortable.

I have a short hiatus of fun-filled activities after Cher's concert but I am quite looking forward to the next item on this summers highlight reel of events. A few free weekends, followed by some outdoor maintenance (soffit, fascia, eavestroughs and downspouts) will wind up with a date with Oprah within the month.

Oprah is an out-of-town excursion and dare I say that I am quite looking forward to this? Oprah and her "Super Soul" events is part of a visit with a sister-friend with whom I share a Super Soul kind of connection.

The weekend following that, is yet another easy to look forward to occasion. I have been invited to see Johnny Reid at an outdoor concert with another friend who I share a unique, Super Soul kinship.

An out-of-town live theatre is next on the itinerary. My son knows someone who is in the play and the town is mid-way between here and my sister's. So it is possible we may meet up again.

The summer will wind up with another live performance in my sister's fine city, where we hope the sisters shall gather and see Mamma Mia.

A tentative October gathering-of-the-siblings is an idea that is brewing. We got together last year, after the busyness of summer was behind us and before winter settled in. This was the first time all four of us gathered in Mom's home territory since her house was sold. We rented an AirBnB and simply enjoyed being together under one roof, as a family. Something we thought may never happen after Mom's house was gone.

My calendar is sprinkled with events and gathering with people with whom I share a special "Super Soul Connection".

As my evening with Cher is on the horizon, I am revelling in my summer line-up of events. I will not go on any grand holiday adventure this year but I am finding my joy right in my own back yard. Life is good!

Speaking of "73"

As the number 73 rolled in and around and through my thoughts this morning, I remembered one more fun fact. Today is Cher's 73rd birthday.

My sister and I will be going to see Cher in three days. We will sit back and marvel at what "73" looks like on Cher. I am prepared to be amazed.

I have a feeling even my very ambitious mother couldn't hold a candle to Cher's performance on stage (I can hear her raspy voice reply, "Nor would I want to!"). In the same token, I wonder if Cher could have kept up with Mom's ambition levels (I've still got your back, Mom).

I listened to an interview with Cher as she spoke about her current tour. She mentioned (I'm paraphrasing here so this is not exactly what she said) that she gives her all when she is on stage but the moment she is out of the spotlight, she is in recovery mode. Judging by her past performances, she doesn't have very long recovery periods yet she continues to go back "on" and in full performance mode.

As I wrote of Mom's ambition, motivation and perseverance at the age of 73 being akin to a marathon and my tendency to simply take on life in short 100 yard dashes (then rest and recoup) ... I wonder if Cher and I may have something in common after all...

I remember the way the music of the 70's seeped into my entire heart and soul at my 35th high school reunion. I danced like no one was watching. People commented on "how fit I was" at the time. Yes, that was six years ago. No, I haven't done much to maintain that level of fitness. But I remember the feeling well. My heart began to beat to the beat of the music and I was the music. The music was me.

I wonder if that is how Cher feels when she is singing and dancing to the beat of the music that has been a part of her existence for the past 60+ years.

73 ... 73 ... 73 ...

The number 73 is still speaking to me today. Happy Birthday, Cher!!

Too Good to be True?

I was living through some particularly challenging moments yesterday when the constant "ding" "ding" "ding" coming from my cell phone let me know there were people outside of the moment I was in, reaching out in some capacity to tell me things.

When I had time, I peeked in at these messages to find:

• my uncle was home from the hospital and his support systems were rallying and grateful to hear this good news
• my middle son asked if he could spend the night as he was going to be in the neighborhood and it made good sense to save himself some travelling time
• I received an email telling me this same son sent me tickets to see "Oprah Winfrey Presents: Your Path Made Clear" ...
• messages from both of my sisters confirming details about coming to see my youngest son's debut acting performance this week
• an invitation to join my sister to see Cher

Are you kidding me?! An invitation to see Cher AND Oprah?! AND another Sister Sleepover so close on the heels of our last sibling gathering? AND my uncle has rallied after several recent hospital stays and is back home! AND my son was coming to spend the night as the icing on the cake. As if the cake wasn't already sweet enough on its own AND didn't already have enough icing to begin with?

It was a day I feel like I dreamed up as I went along. 

Finally, as I was walking across the parking lot leaving one job, to cross the street to go to my second job when not one, but TWO rabbits hopped across my path then stopped in the middle of the road for me to have time to admire them before they headed for safer ground.

Mom isn't in my thoughts and head in an all consuming kind of the way these days. I still think of her often, feel her within me, speak of her whenever it is fitting. But I don't feel, see and yearn for "signs" of her presence. It felt like those two rabbits were meant to draw my attention, think of Mom, feel her presence and think of what she would be telling me if I was talking to her right now.

Then I went to visit my aunt ... and I could hear Mom's voice within my aunt's words. I just laughed and told her "That is exactly what Mom would say..."

Do we find whatever we are looking for in life? Do we make things up along the way to corroborate the story we are creating in our mind? Do we get back what we put out into the world and simply feel surprised when good things happen?

I am a big believer of karma and the energy of what you give comes back to you, whether it be a good or a bad thing. I haven't been feeling incredibly positive lately, I'm not at my best and I don't feel like I've been as generous as I should be with what I'm giving to the world. The only positive thing I can say is that I'm doing my best. 

Maybe my best is enough. I am being encouraged as my make my way along. I'm even being drawn to cross the street into Part II of my day, with two rabbits leading the way. 

Yesterday felt like it had the potential to bring me to my knees and it ended up being a day that was filled with so many small gifts, blessings and signs it simply felt like it was too good to be true. Am I making this life up as I go along?! Honestly! Invitations to see Cher AND Oprah?! Are you kidding me? This IS too good to be true!