Use Your Words

I just re-watched an episode of Oprah Winfrey and Arthur Brooks on YouTube - "Build the Life You Want". The phrase "Use your words" stirred something inside of me that has been asleep. 

Use your words. Write. Move the emotions to the pre-frontal cortex of my brain and examine what these feelings are trying to teach me.

I have become quiet. I am living the dream I set out for myself but I am not as satisfied as I was when I was dreaming the dream. 

I have taken my weekend oasis and turned into my life. My extraordinary weekends have become my ordinary day-to-day life. What could possibly be better than this?

I have been walking through the days in survival mode. I have worked from home or for people I know for the better part of 26 years. Leaving my home and interacting with the public in a new town and job has felt hard. I come home fully depleted but the wisest part of me that knows this is good.

I look at the life I am building here and the deepest part of me knows I am exactly where I am meant to me. But I feel empty and a little bit lost. I am not okay. I am fine. But I'm not the person I know I can be.

I have some work to do. Literally, figuratively and in more ways than I can verbalize.

I've come a long way. But I have a long way to go ...

I went for a pre-dawn walk after I wrote this, determined to make a mental note and photograph the sunrise. The sky lightened but there was no euphoric rising-of-the-sun moment. 

A metaphor for life some days. The sun always rises. A new day dawns. It isn't always specatular but it happens anyway. 

The overcast day was a very good day regardless. Because there was a small shift in my perspective.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Happier

I stumbled upon Oprah and Arthur Brooks book "Build the Life You Want" yesterday and immersed myself in the three part YouTube discussion between Oprah and Arthur on their book. 

I rarely buy a book these days, much preferring to borrow from our local library. But this was an exception. I have a feeling this could be one of those books I want to share with the world around me. It feels as though it could be a reference guide to "happierness" - a word Oprah coined and Arthur concurred it described the concept best.

The quest for happiness is elusive and one never attains the goal and keeps it. Life ebbs and flows. We can't be happy all of the time but we can hope to feel happier. 

It is a book about the art and science of getting happier. Arthur is a professor who teaches a class on the subject. He speaks in a language I feel my most discerning child would hear. 

The conversation spoke to everything I am feeling and living these days. I have already suggested watching it together with my daughter, as it seems like this could be a good reference for her. And she did not shoot down the idea. 

I have hope. Renewed hope that the science of becoming happier may be the fork in the road most needed right now. 

Wishing and hoping for a hopeful, happier New Year to all! 

Our world could use a dose of  happierness...

I'll Be in Good Company Today

Look at the friends I get to spend time with this weekend:

(with a back up Oprah/Michelle Obama interview on Netflix)

 

Oooo! Life is good!!!

Ahhh-some Moments

Reigniting the habit of writing has changed me. I'm seeing the world again. I live the day like I'm going to write a blog post about it. I'm spinning the tales I tell myself within my thoughts and it has changed my perspective in a positive way.

Living intentionally. Propelling myself into my days with a lightly formed agenda of that-which-I-want-to-do has put a new spin on an old life.

My days aren't long enough. Especially since I gave up mindless eating. The eating I did while staring at the TV, computer screen, my phone and most especially the eating I did simply to stay awake.

Mornings are precious to me so what I lose at night, I gain in the morning. Getting out of bed is so much easier than it had been. "How much can I squeeze into my pre-work hours?" has become my daily challenge.

When I work, I work better. More focus. More push. More drive. Then again, that could be because June brings a new set of deadlines to beat and I'm pretty good with deadlines.

The "woe is me" attitude is waning. It is becoming more of a "wow is me" mindset. Wow! I feel better when I do some morning stretches. Wow! It feels good to get out and walk. Wow! I have written a daily blog post ten days in a row. Wow! I am enjoying food so much more when I eat without distractions. Wow! Eating food without distractions is time consuming.

In the depth of winter and the despair I felt waking up to life as I know it, I woke up wishing the day away. I made my bed, longing for the moment I got to collapse back into it after a long, hard day. Work was hard. House and yard work were hard. Cooking was hard. Answering the phone was hard. Going through the paces of living my life felt so hard. My reprieve from the hard life was my escape to my little oasis on the prairie on weekends where life felt so much easier.

What I have discovered in my two week venture into leading an intentional life, is that I really don't have time to work. I'm ready for retirement now that I know how to spend my days intentionally.

Two weeks does not a habit make. But I have a very good feeling about this shift in perspective. It has added a sense of awe into the mundaneness of my Monday to Friday life. The "ahhhh" I write at the top of so many of my morning pages in my little oasis on the prairie is being supplemented by a little awe during the week. 

What are your "ahhh" moments? The moments when you sit still and simply feel awesome in the moment you are in? Revel in the "ahhh". Breathe it in. Hold it gently. See what you can do to add just a few more of those ahhh-some moments into your world. Small steps. Be quiet in those moments. Be still. Let your answers find you.

Oprah set the phrase "ah-ha moments" into action. I'm a little bit lazier than Oprah. I'll settle for the "ahhh-some moments". One moment at a time.

A few of my ahhh-some moments from my walk:

Stories Within the Story

I watched the movie "The Color Purple" for the first time yesterday. I may be one of the very few who had not yet seen this 1985 movie. I'm a little behind the times. This story has been brought to my attention on several occasions over the past 35 years. Most recently, in light of the racial inequities that have been brought to light, I was once again reminded of "The Color Purple".

I was well into the story before I realized there had not been one Caucasian person enter the scene. I smiled when the first white character was introduced as a person who drove one sister to the her sister's home. I loved the irony - a white person driving a person of color. I later realized this "driver" was delivering the mail. But my original take on this minor character remained. He was a person serving them, not the other way around.

The story was based around the main character but had other strong characters and story lines. I loved Oprah's character, Sophie, who was strong minded and full of spunk. Until ... the scene where the white people dominated the screen, brought her to her knees and stole everything she was from her. When "whites" were introduced into the story line, they were the villians.

As I played out this scene and compared it to the realities minorities face each and every day, I was embarrassed to be part of a race who has committed such injustices.

I continued to reflect on the vantage point this story was told. I considered the different stories that could have played out, had the tale been told from a different person's vision of the same set of events. I dared to consider what the story could have been, had it been told from the white person's point of view. 

The slant of the story, the perspective, each individual's history places a different emphasis on how a story is told. The adage "there are two sides to every story" is an understatement. Each one of us is a compilation of our history, our perspective, our state of mind and health, who and what we may be protecting. When prejudice we have unknowingly been raised with and exposed to, plus racial biases are added to the scene, it is little wonder there is conflict within this world of ours.

Racial privilege is a term that is new to me. I hang my head in shame to think that my view of the world is so very small and with a privilege I simply happened to be born into. I think of the babies who come into the world and know only the life they have been raised in. They become adults with their own personal biases stemming from the vantage point of their circumstances.

I think of the very small life I have lived and I try so very hard to consider the story another would have told of the exact same circumstance, from where they stood. When I retell the stories of my life I am conscious to speak of the other person's vantage point. I strive to tell my stories so there are no true heroes or villains. But I know even at that, my view is tainted by personal bias, history and lack of a full understanding of the other person's side of a story.

Stories are told from the vantage point of the person narrating the tale. Seeing, hearing and feeling the narrative from the main character's point of view provides us with limited insight unless the story is told in a way to bring each character's perspective into focus (which, may I add, "The Color Purple" did an amazing job). It is up to the audience to mine for the gold that is hidden within a multilayered depiction of events. 

It would serve us well, if we dug deep to find the truths within the headlines of today's news and the stories we are told as we live our lives.

An often quoted adage going around the Internet these days is to be kind to each other. You have no idea what another person is going through. Or as Ellen Degeneres says, quite simply, "Be kind to one another". Without condition, without bias, without assumption. Just be kind. Look for the story behind the story.

The Whispers

I sat down with Oprah's book "The Path Made Clear" yesterday. Quite possibly all I needed to do was to reread the names of the chapters to put me on the right path but instead I decided to listen to the free audio book I received (compliments of Oprah, included in the ticket price of seeing her Live!) while I read along in her book.

I was sitting on the couch with the lure of daytime television and Netflix vying for my attention. My cell phone was close by and I couldn't seem to stop myself from checking Facebook updates and listening (hoping) for incoming messages from outside our home.

I read through the chapters "The Seeds" and "The Roots" with ease. Then I reached the chapter named "The Whispers".

I have been quiet and still enough to hear the whispers of my mind before but in this highly connected and rather committed life I lead, I can feel the whispers gaining momentum. I'm sensing their call in the way wake up in the morning and how I feel as I go through the motions of living my life.

It is summer holiday time. "I need to seek out some quiet" I thought to myself. I only have a week. I had other hopes and plans for that week. I have been overspending on my renovation budget and booking myself into a quiet retreat felt possible but not plausible.

Then I heard within the quiet whispers of my mind an invitation my son issued to me. Would I spend some time out at their farm while they went on a holiday?

Yes! Yes!! YES!!

I can and I will and I WANT to do this! I can't wait. I hope the whispers of my thoughts are patient as we bide our time and await this holiday where I will be alone with my thoughts, two dogs, two rabbits and an ever growing cat population.

Oprah!

Oprah. What more can I say? If you have ever thought you would like to see her in person, I have one word for you - GO!

This is quite literally how we were feeling as we waited for Oprah to appear on stage

She was amazing! Every word she spoke was worth the price of admission. She didn't miss a beat. She didn't waste a word. She had us laughing, thinking, reflecting and gave us tools to create our own path.

She told us from the onset that she was simply going to talk about things we already know. As she spoke, I couldn't help but think of the conversations I had JUST had which were filled with the essence of what Oprah was speaking of.

It felt as though Oprah had been eavesdropping and knew exactly what was on my mind. She nailed it. Then nailed it again. By the time the evening was over, she had built a good solid foundation and I felt like she should come over for coffee so we could continue the conversation.

So much of what she told us was something I knew but hadn't put into coherent thoughts. She spoke of many, many things and I am certain I will keep being reminded of her words in the coming days, weeks and years.

She spoke of relationships and how you must NEVER become smaller than who you are, to fit within the confines of a relationship. Never become smaller. Never allow someone to expect you to become smaller than who you are.

Oh, Oprah. I hear you. I didn't know this but it is so true. It explains so much...

She spoke of forgiveness in much the same way my sister-in-law and I had just been talking about. The focus was less on the forgiving and more of the accepting. Of course, Oprah being Oprah, she worded it ever so much more eloquently. She spoke of forgiveness, all the while having this quote on the screen over her:

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different. It's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward." ~ Oprah Winfrey

I knew this. I simply didn't have it neatly wrapped up into a tight little phrase that said so much with so few words. Oh, Oprah. Thank you for reminding me of what I already know and giving me the words to communicate it.

I immediately forgot the words Oprah gave me but I lived the lesson out loud the very next day. "I think it had to be this way, but I think things worked out for the best..."

There was more. So much more. Oprah gave and she gave and she gave to us. Near the onset of her talk, she told a story of when she was asked what she thought her legacy was. Oprah has an arsenal of good doings to choose from and she opted for "the one" she thought would be her legacy. The person asking the question told her she was wrong. It was so much more than that. "Your legacy is every life you've touched ..."

We don't have to be any bigger than we are to leave the legacy we hope to leave behind when we phrase it in those simple words. Your legacy is every life you've touched. Those words can go both ways. Personally, I HOPE to leave a legacy of kindness in my wake. I hope.

I could go on and on and on. And I probably will, in bits and spurts as time goes on as the echo of Oprah's words linger in my subconscious. But I will leave you with the poem Oprah recited near the end of her time she spent with us:

The Journey 

One day you finally know

what you have to do, and begin,

though the voices around you

keep shouting

their bad advice –

though the whole house

begins to tremble

and you feel the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cries.

But you don’t stop.

You know what you have to do,

though the wind pries

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations –

though their melancholy

is terrible.

It is already late

late enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you leave their voices behind,

the stars begin to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there is a new voice,

which you slowly

recognize as your own,

that keeps you company

as you stride deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you can do,

determined to save

the only life you can save –

Yours.

~Mary Oliver

Oprah, you did NOT disappoint! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing a few hours with us. I find myself trying to quote your intentions (if not your exact words) and find myself punctuating my thoughts with "So says Oprah and so says I."

Off to See Oprah

I'm off to see my mentor today. If only she knew how much she changed my life ...

I watched Oprah's talk show intermittently throughout her reign on daytime television. Her interviews with guests quietly changed the circuitry in my mind.

I wrote this, then searched "Oprah" on the search bar atop this blog. Apparently I have mentioned Oprah in 49 of my blog posts. Oprah and I go back a lot of years.

I became braver by opening myself up to hear what Oprah's guests had to say. You don't hear some things until you are ready to hear them. I'm grateful for the times my ears were open to receive the messages I was meant to hear.

The timing of this Oprah event, which is a five hour drive away, is divine. I didn't understand it at the time, but I am going to be exactly where I was meant to be. Exactly when I was meant to be there. There is a whole other story behind that statement but suffice to say, I am simply grateful for the gift of not only going to see Oprah, but sharing it with a soul sister who means the world to me.

Here is the post I wrote when Oprah came here six years ago:

THURSDAY, MARCH 14, 2013

My Oprah Moment(s)

Oprah is coming to Our Fair City soon and a friend asked if I'd like to go with her. I would have loved to go, but I couldn't justify the cost of the tickets. So I declined the invitation (but thought to myself "... but I'd sure love to win some tickets!").

Another friend forwarded an email to me this morning about a contest that one of our radio stations is having - to win a pair of tickets to Oprah's show. All you had to do was send an email telling the radio host about your 'Oprah Moment'.

I felt a little bit wordless this morning, so I went and searched my blog with the word "Oprah" and came up with 36 posts. I sent in excerpts from six of them ...

As I reread those old posts, a spark was ignited within me. Suddenly I was feeling more upbeat and ready to take on the day.

Oprah brought a wide variety of experts and thought provoking stories onto her stage. As I replayed some of these episodes that I had written about in my mind, visions of her guests and stories came to mind. It was  not specifically 'Oprah', the person that I was thinking about ... but 'Oprah', the television show.

It was like opening a book and thumbing through the pages and stopping at a few of the chapters that caught my interest. It was a myriad of memories, thoughts, wisdom, inspiration and key phrases that resonated within.

I like to think that I keep a little morsel of that-which-inspires-me within me at all times. Simply waiting for something to fan the flame and bring it to the forefront of my thoughts from time to time.

Oprah and her television show provided me with many embers that are deeply embedded in my subconscious mind. As it is, with my day-to-day life.

Take a small moment and savor it. Keep the lesson and let it inspire you. And then carry on ...

That is the lesson that Oprah taught me.

A Super Soul Summer Lineup

The sun is shining, the cats are content, the roof is freshly shingled and I'm crossing the hard stuff off my eternal things-to-get-done list. Life is good.

My hard things are pretty easy. They are simply time consuming, take up space in my brain and weigh me down. Things like getting my hair cut, getting an oil change, picking up a prescription, coloring my hair, washing sheets and getting groceries. They are simple little tasks that are nice to have behind me before the weekend arrives.

It is Wednesday - a very good day to start tackling the pre-weekend errands. My ambition is being spurred on, due to the fact that my sister is arriving tomorrow so we can go to see Cher [insert great joy and excitement here]!

This Thursday night adventure came with the stress of asking for a day off each of my jobs. Which, once my requests were granted, quickly transformed into the anticipation of knowing I get one evening and one day off this week.

I am having a hard time pushing myself out of my comfort zone these days. I have notations and mental lists of invitations I should issue but I haven't acted on any of them.

"Family" is filling my need for company and spontaneity. There is little that makes me happier than my son showing up on our doorstep with nothing more than a cup of coffee and a visit on his agenda. It is a bonus when he offers up his handyman services but I am quite content with coffee and conversation.

My siblings will soon be busy with their summer schedules but this spring has brought several opportunities for us to get together. In fact, one of my sisters has staked claim on one of our beds and said, "Don't wash the sheets yet - I'll be back!". I told her she should have picked a better bed if it was going to be hers, but I simply smile and think of my thoughts of Mom and "her room" here. I have a feeling there may soon be a "Donna's room" in our midst. When my finances recover from our outdoor maintenance expenses, I must attempt to make her room/bed more comfortable.

I have a short hiatus of fun-filled activities after Cher's concert but I am quite looking forward to the next item on this summers highlight reel of events. A few free weekends, followed by some outdoor maintenance (soffit, fascia, eavestroughs and downspouts) will wind up with a date with Oprah within the month.

Oprah is an out-of-town excursion and dare I say that I am quite looking forward to this? Oprah and her "Super Soul" events is part of a visit with a sister-friend with whom I share a Super Soul kind of connection.

The weekend following that, is yet another easy to look forward to occasion. I have been invited to see Johnny Reid at an outdoor concert with another friend who I share a unique, Super Soul kinship.

An out-of-town live theatre is next on the itinerary. My son knows someone who is in the play and the town is mid-way between here and my sister's. So it is possible we may meet up again.

The summer will wind up with another live performance in my sister's fine city, where we hope the sisters shall gather and see Mamma Mia.

A tentative October gathering-of-the-siblings is an idea that is brewing. We got together last year, after the busyness of summer was behind us and before winter settled in. This was the first time all four of us gathered in Mom's home territory since her house was sold. We rented an AirBnB and simply enjoyed being together under one roof, as a family. Something we thought may never happen after Mom's house was gone.

My calendar is sprinkled with events and gathering with people with whom I share a special "Super Soul Connection".

As my evening with Cher is on the horizon, I am revelling in my summer line-up of events. I will not go on any grand holiday adventure this year but I am finding my joy right in my own back yard. Life is good!

Too Good to be True?

I was living through some particularly challenging moments yesterday when the constant "ding" "ding" "ding" coming from my cell phone let me know there were people outside of the moment I was in, reaching out in some capacity to tell me things.

When I had time, I peeked in at these messages to find:

• my uncle was home from the hospital and his support systems were rallying and grateful to hear this good news
• my middle son asked if he could spend the night as he was going to be in the neighborhood and it made good sense to save himself some travelling time
• I received an email telling me this same son sent me tickets to see "Oprah Winfrey Presents: Your Path Made Clear" ...
• messages from both of my sisters confirming details about coming to see my youngest son's debut acting performance this week
• an invitation to join my sister to see Cher

Are you kidding me?! An invitation to see Cher AND Oprah?! AND another Sister Sleepover so close on the heels of our last sibling gathering? AND my uncle has rallied after several recent hospital stays and is back home! AND my son was coming to spend the night as the icing on the cake. As if the cake wasn't already sweet enough on its own AND didn't already have enough icing to begin with?

It was a day I feel like I dreamed up as I went along. 

Finally, as I was walking across the parking lot leaving one job, to cross the street to go to my second job when not one, but TWO rabbits hopped across my path then stopped in the middle of the road for me to have time to admire them before they headed for safer ground.

Mom isn't in my thoughts and head in an all consuming kind of the way these days. I still think of her often, feel her within me, speak of her whenever it is fitting. But I don't feel, see and yearn for "signs" of her presence. It felt like those two rabbits were meant to draw my attention, think of Mom, feel her presence and think of what she would be telling me if I was talking to her right now.

Then I went to visit my aunt ... and I could hear Mom's voice within my aunt's words. I just laughed and told her "That is exactly what Mom would say..."

Do we find whatever we are looking for in life? Do we make things up along the way to corroborate the story we are creating in our mind? Do we get back what we put out into the world and simply feel surprised when good things happen?

I am a big believer of karma and the energy of what you give comes back to you, whether it be a good or a bad thing. I haven't been feeling incredibly positive lately, I'm not at my best and I don't feel like I've been as generous as I should be with what I'm giving to the world. The only positive thing I can say is that I'm doing my best. 

Maybe my best is enough. I am being encouraged as my make my way along. I'm even being drawn to cross the street into Part II of my day, with two rabbits leading the way. 

Yesterday felt like it had the potential to bring me to my knees and it ended up being a day that was filled with so many small gifts, blessings and signs it simply felt like it was too good to be true. Am I making this life up as I go along?! Honestly! Invitations to see Cher AND Oprah?! Are you kidding me? This IS too good to be true!

Time Management

The longer I live, the poorer I get at managing my time.

I just puttered away two hours this morning. Granted, I sent off an email, balanced my budget, made some short range plans and stimulated my brain with my morning puzzles. BUT I lost two hours in (what felt like) the blink of an eye.

If it was just "me" and my home life, this would be okay. But this mismanagement of time is infiltrating my long range goals, my state of productivity and my work.

I am a stickler for routine. On the job and off. I like to clear the deck of all small tasks before I tackle something big. I do this at home. I do this when I tackle any project or job. I did this when I studied, while I assembled our family's memories and when I have taken on organizing family events. 

I do this all the time. I clear the clutter of "life" away and then I sit down and lose myself in the bigger projects at hand.

This does prove to be a very good excuse to procrastinate. I was not alone when I said my house was never cleaner, than when I was taking a correspondence course. I truly believe that "white space" creates fewer distractions and one can focus better on the job at hand. 

I have succeeded in what I have set out to do in the past. I have completed courses. I have created or been a co-creator in three family history books. I have arranged a reunion and kept a fully balanced accounting of all funds received for said reunion. I managed Mom's estate and all accounting related to it. 

I accounted for balanced every penny of Mom's funds, family reunion and book funds. I do income tax for others. I did my own taxes before I took them to the accountant and caught an error she made. I balance my own books to the penny. I balance books as unconsciously as I breathe. 

I obsess about balancing to the penny and check my work backwords, forwards and sideways before I put it to rest. I meticulously organize the end result of my work at hand, so if I was ever questioned on any part of the accounting, I would be able to retrace my steps and account for my thought process.

This should make me very good at my work BUT the time it takes to do things the way I like to do them is tripping me up. 

This is waking me up at night. Every night I have to work in the morning. It has been a long while since I felt I put in a productive day at work. The habits that work for me at home are not working for me in the work place.

"Listen to the whispers" is a chapter I just read in Oprah's new book. I've been able to hear the whispers in the past. It was harder when those whispers were guiding me away from my days of daycaring. I silenced the whispers but an ocular migraine scared the socks off me (I thought it may be a brain tumor as I was experiencing it) during my last day of work before a long awaited holiday. I offered to move out to Mom's that summer but settled for quitting my daycare instead. 

Another time, a hernia stopped me in my tracks which resulted in going back to school and rerouting my career after I listened to the quiet.

My sitting in a sunbeam moment after my Youngest Child was born was another moment of clarity when my life was quiet enough to listen to the beat of my own heart. I took a leave of absence from my work and opened my daycare. I have never looked back.

Prior to that, were the screams of desperation I felt within me when I knew I had to make a physical move away from my marriage and previous life. That was the smartest move of my life.

I hear the whispers. I don't want the whispers to turn into screams. When you don't make a change voluntarily, life will deal you a hand that is out of your control. I would rather control the change I want to see in my life. 

I want to listen to those whispers. Maybe I have to turn off the TV at night so I am forced to wake up and confront them.

I feel as though I am mismanaging my time but am I? Or is "life" trying to talk to me and I am numbing my thoughts with sleep, Netflix and food? My chip addiction at night has become all consuming and the highlight of my day.

I don't want to make any rash changes. I simply want to find a way to make this existing situation work. I need to either have suggestions or be open to them. I must be willing change what is within my control or accept things as they are. 

The Serenity Prayer instantly comes to mind: 

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

I feel as though I am mismanaging my time but am I? Or is "life" trying to talk to me and I am numbing my thoughts with sleep, Netflix and chips?

As I was ready to walk away from the computer, this post came to my attention:

Self-care is not selfish. It’s the most pro-active thing you can do. Why? We cannot nurture others from a dry well. If we practice preventative wellness and replenish our emotional reservoirs BEFORE they hit the empty line, then we can give even more to others from our surplus, from our natural state of strength and abundance. Shine brightly💡 ~ Project Happiness

I wrote this at 8:00 a.m.; I have returned to my morning thoughts twelve hours later. I will post this after it has plenty of time to marinate. Good night.

Clearing a Path - Making Room For Change

I ordered a book today. Actually, I ordered two. Two identical books because I have a feeling this book will be too good to keep to myself. The book? "The Path Made Clear: Discovering Your Life's Direction and Purpose", by Oprah Winfrey.

In this life of mine, I have a few regrets. One of them being, that I didn't go to see Oprah when she came to Our Fair City to speak several years ago. A friend went and shared her enthusiasm over Oprah's talk. I remember little of what my friend said but I clearly remember her enthusiasm as she relayed the inspirational words Oprah spoke and instant regret, that I hadn't gone.

Today, I learned Oprah has a new book. The table of contents alone, have captured my interest and I can't wait to sit in a sunbeam and soak up this book. "The Path Made Clear ..." sounds like it may be exactly what I am looking for.

Life is ever evolving. I find myself going with the flow of it at times, questioning it at others and wanting to live a purposeful life. Some days I think I'm on the right track, other days feel like I'm running on a hamster wheel going no where. 

I am not making any plans to change the course I'm presently on but I certainly wouldn't mind looking up and beyond this moment in time and look towards the future. I want to listen to the whispers of my mind, plant seeds, nurture that which I want to grow and steer my life in a direction that excites me. 

Housecleaning is certainly not at the top of that list. Been there, done that, wish I didn't have to do it all again tomorrow. But maybe since I have tended to some of my household cleaning, I have literally created a clear path to sit still and hear the whispers of my mind.

Meditation 101

Meditation. I need this. I should learn how to do this. It would be good for me. I can tell, by my complete inability to follow through on any one thought, task or sentence (in fact I had to come back and finish this uncompleted sentence that I left dangling on my first write through).

The chatter in my head is driving me batty. The guilt, the fear and simply the overwhelmed state of my thoughts is running rampant within my thoughts and I'm stuck. Thankfully I'm emptying closets (slowly) so I have something to account for all of my spare time lately. But honestly? If someone was to ask me what I have accomplished lately, I think all I really have to say is "I have been thinking".

So I enrolled in Oprah and Deepak Chopra's 21 Day Meditation Experience yesterday morning. It was an interesting experiment.

Number 1 - If you have cats, you cannot meditate. Unless they are fast asleep. Do cats ever sleep soundly?

I shall set the stage. I sat down in the living room and set my gaze upon a street light outside. Just get yourself into a trance and lose yourself was my mantra. Sit, gaze, listen, declutter my brain.

Then I heard a cat. It sounded like Jet was eating the fresh roll of toilet paper I just brought out (his favorite). I paused the meditative state and raced to the bathroom. Jet wasn't attacking the toilet paper. He was playing in the "cat toy drawer". It doesn't matter. Let it go. These were my first mantras of the morning.

So I sat down again and pressed "Play".

A few calm moments later, I realized I needed to make an urgent trip to the bathroom myself. I paused again. On my way back to the couch, I thought "This is interesting and relaxing. I'll just grab my coffee ..."

I curled up on the couch with my coffee in hand and set my gaze upon that streetlight once again. Now I was ready to be still and "meditate". Then Deepak told me to get comfortable because "this" was when we were going to start to meditate.

I rustled around on the couch and missed everything he said while all this noise was going on in and around my head. Okay. I was ready. I would just rewind the video and start from a few minutes prior. But the video wouldn't let me rewind. What?!! I guess that is lesson #1 - when meditating, there is no need to rewind. Because you are still. And quiet. And in a hypnotic state. And you can't move yourself out of your comfortable spot. Because you are in the zone.

I tuned back in when Deepak was telling me what to chant in my head as I sat still and emptied my brain of thought. "Aham Prema". He told me what these words meant "I am love". These are my thoughts that followed:

Okay. Aham Prema. Aham Prema. Aham Prema, breathe, listen to my breath, breathe deeply ... What does that mean again? I can't remember. What was I supposed to be chanting in my mind again? I can't remember. How do I stop thinking? I didn't hear what he told me. I can't rewind. I can't remember the mantra. What are the cats doing? What do I need to be doing? I'm missing Kelly's radio show ...

The end. I give up. I can't do this, this morning. I can't stop the flow of words and they won't let me rewind the tape. How unfair! I quit!

Then I tuned into my nephew's new radio show and lived a very distracted morning as I blogged, checked my banking transactions, rechecked my budget, wondered about my financial future, pondered some financial forecasts, blogged some more, laughed a little as my nephew tickled my funny bone, checked out a few blogs, returned to my own blogging, made coffee, watched the cats at play, made more coffee and basically had the most un-meditative kind of morning ever.

This morning, I woke up at about 4:15 a.m. and felt pretty wakeful. It was too early to get up so I had a brainwave. I brought the computer into my room, turned on Oprah and Deepak's meditation series again and tried very hard.

This was working! I woke up the cats when I ran to get the computer but as I nestled back into bed, so did they. Jet snuggled in at my feet; Ray at my side. They cat napped and I listened to Oprah and Deepak's calm, relaxing voices and tried very, very hard to follow their instructions. There was no need to rewind because I got comfortable before I pressed "Play". I just sat and listened and breathed and tried to remember the mantra (I keep forgetting those words). Suddenly, I was back where I was yesterday morning.

What was I supposed to be chanting? What does it mean? What is the centering thought? What did they say? Why am I thinking? Why can't I stop .... breathe. In ... out ... focus on breathing ... deep breaths ... in ... out .... ... .... ...

Then I woke up when Deepak chimed his bell or whatever it was that he said he was going to do to signal the end of our meditation.

Does meditation count if you sleep through it? How do you turn off your thoughts? What was our centering thought of the day again? Did I hear anything? Why can't I remember??

Just ask me about the vivid dream I had just before I woke up before all of this meditation this morning. I remember it well. I was being robbed and I was very calm as I tried to help the perpetrators of the crime. I tried to humanize myself and them and I talked oh, so calmly. I handled it like a champ.

But do I know what Oprah and Deepak told me to focus on today? I need a workbook to go along with the meditation. Words alone do not penetrate the protective layer of words, thoughts, worries and guilt. I need to be fully engaged. I need to sit still, read, write notes and answer questions. Then I'm ready to absorb the words I have been given.

Do I need this? I think so. I think this state of quiet mindlessness and not thinking in words will help to centre me and still the chaos in my mind.

How do I accomplish this feat set out before me? I will Google that. There must be a place where I can read, write and interact with some information that teaches me how to still my mind. Maybe yoga is where it is at for me.

Taming the Fear

Our house is very quiet these days. It is so quiet that I can actually hear myself think. I've discovered something. I don't really like listening to myself all day long, day after day, week after week. I am getting just a little tired of the incessant flow of words. I'm getting on my own nerves.

I'm so grateful I've been listening to Glennon Doyle Melton a lot lately. She has taught me that fear speaks in words. The deep, quiet sense of "knowing" is wordless. The deepest, most centred part of myself knows this but when life is in a state of transition I tend to panic and forget everything life has taught me.

The truest sense of knowing seems to be coming to me in my dreams lately. Again, these dreams are filled with words but when I hear them, I know what they are telling me is true.

One dream had someone critiquing my writing and pulling it all apart. "Too many words!" "You don't need this" "No one cares about that" and so on and so forth. I proudly showed them my edited version of the same piece of writing, with the excess words and paragraphs clearly marked. I knew this. I just didn't apply it. Even my dreams are telling me I am too wordy.

Another dream had me singing out loud and I sang with every ounce of who I was and what I had within me. I finished my song and the critic in this scenario was awestruck. They asked me who I was trying to emulate. My reply was "I was so nervous that I couldn't be anyone but myself. That was me." It was the right answer.

Yesterday, I awoke and remembered my nephew is living his dream out loud. On the radio. He has been an aspiring comedian most (all?) of his adult life. His aspirations started to become reality about eleven years ago and he has been working hard, following that path and has made quite a name for himself in the comedy business ever since. Yesterday he started co-hosting a morning radio show. He described it as an excellent way to hone his comedic skills. "This is only going to help my comedy out. I'll be quicker on my feet, I'll get more material," 

I'm so proud of that guy. He is doing what I want to do. He is doing what I think all of us should be doing. He recognized his passion early in his life. He pursued it. He persevered. He is still living the dream. He went on to say "As I once heard, a true artist would rather let his/her family starve before doing a job that isn't there art."

The messages from the universe seem to on the same theme. There was a third dream I can't quite remember but the message I got was "Give it my all. Do what I CAN and send it out into the world."

Give it my all. I don't think this is about babysitting or bookkeeping or getting a job just to pay the bills. I am not so deluded to think writing is going to be enough to pay the bills but what I do believe is "now" is the time to put my heart and soul and everything else I have into my "art", give it to the world and be content in knowing I did everything I could. And keep on writing regardless of the outcome. Because that is what I do.

I am feeling pulled in other directions when I simply follow where my heart leads. I started reading a book by Susan Jeffers and was curious about her previous books. My search led me to a "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" (based on her book of the same name) workshop which was being held in Abbotsford, B.C. in three weeks. I checked out flights, hotel and the cost of the workshop and it could easily eat up $1,000.00 in two short days. 

The old me would have thought that was a bargain. The fact this could easily be funded by my recent sales of excess daycare goods was a sign that I was destined to go. The new me, chimed in and told myself "That is a lot of money for something that only lasts a day. You could round up a group of friends who may want to join in on the journey of feeling the fear and doing it anyway" and we could meet at my place to form our own group of cheerleaders, supporters and encouragers.

I feel the role of encourager within me. These roles I'm feeling drawn to aren't necessarily money makers. They are life enhancing. 

Glennon Doyle Melton is someone I look to as an inspiration. She started her blog at a time when she needed to write honestly almost as much as she needed to breath. Her honesty built a community. This community has come together and spread love, encouragement and support (emotional as well as financial) as they unite and do the next right things. Consistently.

Glennon was just on the cusp of releasing her first book when I found her. I thought she was just a small time blog writer who turned her passion into greatness. I felt like she was "just like me" because I related to so much of what she wrote. Apparently hundreds of thousands (maybe a million or so) of others feel the same way. 

I feel my "inner Glennon" starting to find her way out of the words within my head. If she can turn her passion into a lifestyle, why can't I? It may not pay the bills but it will set me down a path where I am in a place to find my way and make decisions from a place of security and hope rather than desperation and fear. 

My time of great quiet has not officially started. It was set to begin with my Christmas holidays. I must not rake myself over the coals and feel desperate. My heart was aching for a year's leave of absence a few short months ago. I found a way to make six months a possibility. This time before Christmas was to be time spent "clearing the clutter" from our house and my mind to make the way for a place where I could be still and follow my passion, give it my all and send it out into the world when I was ready to let go.

I need to tame the fear, quiet the voices and feel the security of knowing "it will all work out in the end". 

Monday's Musings

Instead of sitting here one more day, waiting for deep thoughts, perspective and inspiration to hit me like a ton of bricks, I am simply going to sit still and type for a while. I'm going to "show up before I'm ready", as per Glennon Melton Doyle's advise.

I have been "sitting still" and reading, watching and listening to Glennon this morning. I wish she was aware of what good friends we have become but somehow I think I'm lost in the masses who adore and admire her. I look to her for inspiration and perspective. I think we could sit down and be friends (as I'm certain anyone who absorbs what she writes feels). I am not alone when I sit still with Glennon. She fills me up when I am empty. She makes me feel perfect within my imperfections. She makes me appreciate the blessing it is to be "human" and all it entails. She makes me think and strive to do "the next right thing"...

Yes, Glennon "makes" me do a lot, doesn't she? She is one of those friends you know bring out the best and finest within you. If you simply follow one of her strategies or incorporate one of her many "Glennonisms" into your inner dialogue, you will start to become more of who you are meant to be.

I am one week away from the beginning of a new online course hosted by Glennon and her friend "Brené Brown". Yes! "The Wisdom of Story" is Brené's newest online course, with the suggested reading "Love Warrior" (Glennon Doyle Melton's new book which is being released tomorrow). Add this great news to the fact that Glennon will be Oprah's guest on "Super Soul Sunday" on OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) on September 11th and you can only imagine my elation to be so saturated with all things "Glennon", with a side order of Brené and Oprah!

Yes, I am hyped. Yes, I am ready. Yes, I need another infusion of positivity, enthusiasm and a shot of inspiration to propel me forward and through this phase of life I seem to be finding uncomfortable and hard to push through.

I have squandered an entire long weekend. I knew I should have done the "hard things" first. But I didn't. I turned on the TV instead. I got lost in my Gilmore Girl marathon and when I tired of that, I tuned into the Home and Garden Network to lose myself in the idea of rebuilding, renovating and making the most of the home I already have. And I did nothing.

I try to tell myself that I needed this long weekend to do whatever I felt like doing. This has been my version of rest and relaxation. But deep inside, I know that what I chose to fill myself up with was akin to drugs, alcohol, food and overspending. I was filling a void within by watching mindless TV, when what I needed to be doing was starting small and dealing with the mountains of "undone" tasks in and around our home. I needed to simply do the "next right thing" even if that right thing is not going to change the world.

I am committed to 16 full weeks of daycare before I hang up my daycare cape. Sixteen weeks to cull through the excess and downsize. Sixteen weeks to reimagine our home without a daycare within. Sixteen weeks to reroute my thoughts, my future and my finances. Sixteen weeks to dream of a new future with me driving my own "train". Glennon tells me I should not lose myself in my roles within my life, but instead I am to envision I am a train and I unload and take on new cargo as I go along. Glennon defines herself as a "Child of God". I am unsure how I define myself. Perhaps that is why my train feels like it is simply going in circles. My cargo is getting to be too heavy because I keep adding to my load without off-loading anything along the way.

My new vision is an empty downstairs play room. What will replace that void? My new vision leaves me three empty bedrooms upstairs. Is this why I keep falling back on the idea of renting out some of the space within this house of ours? My new vision has some blank spaces that may or may not need to be filled. Since I was seriously considering taking a year's "leave of absence" from the world of work so I could find myself, my passion and my drive again, is it possible for me to reduce my work week so I can have the best of both worlds? My new vision includes a more contented self. Will a week of not being driven by the needs of one to three year olds increase my attention span? Or will I need to disconnect from my cell phone, Internet and all social media to succeed at that?

My new vision of my life includes incorporating habits I can start doing immediately. Turning off the computer, walking away from my cell phone, turning off the TV, walking, reaching out to people more often and carving out time to write. These are a few of my must-do items in order to feel and live life more genuinely.

Maybe that is a little harsh. I may not be able to successfully disconnect from the world but I could definitely work within some guidelines. Reducing my screen time (including that time which I spend in front of the television screen) will enhance my life greatly. I was a better daycare provider, friend, writer, mover and shaker when the Internet, TV and cell phone weren't always on and buzzing in my face and in the background of my days.

I think I know where I must start. But I don't have the strength to rid myself of the TV in my bedroom oasis right now. But I could start in the playroom. It is filled with items which others may need and use more than I. It is a very good place to start.

But in the meantime, if you haven't banished yourself from "screen time", may I direct you towards some places which I have found inspiration, ambition and a little bit of courage?

Click here to read about the story of Glennon meeting her new warrior friend and her upcoming appearance on "Super Soul Sunday".

Click here to learn a little bit about the upcoming course "The Wisdom of Story" with Glennon and Brené.

Click here to find out if Glennon's new book "Love Warrior" is something you would like to read

But if you simply want to sit back and be entertained and inspired, here is one of Glennon's first videos I ever watched. Her TEDx talk:

May your day be inspired and filled with exactly what you need right now. "Happy Monday" to you.