Living Small

I wouldn't want to live in a house any bigger than the one I already inhabit. It is a smaller sized house, made larger by enclosing what used to be the porch and turning it into my present day living room. 

The living room has become a construction zone during the installation of new windows so I'm living in what used to be the living room/kitchen combination. If this was a permanent situation, I'd make some adjustments but even with my current furniture, I can imagine how it may have been before.

Before, there wouldn't have been a kitchen island. Remove that, replace it with a small kitchen table and that frees up a lot of space. There would have been no need for the microwave cupboard in the "before", so remove that and there would be ample room. Even for my present day couch. The patio doors wouldn't have existed. That would open up even more wall space. The temporary plastic barrier would have been a wall with windows and a door. Outside that door would have been a porch. 

I can see it more clearly, now that I'm living in the original footprint of the house. 

As much as I adore this little home, I do wish it had a main floor bedroom. Since the living room is presently out of commission, I can envision and wonder just how "small" I could live. Could the living room be converted to a bedroom? Could I live this small all the time?

Thoughts to ponder ...

I'm Seeing the Leaves

A comment from my aunt while collecting family memories has stuck with me. She desperately needed glasses as a child. Money was scarce during the Depression so it took time before she got her first pair of glasses. She commented, "It was like “opening a door and going into heaven … I could see. Everything wasn’t a blur." She saw the individual leaves on the trees.

A year ago, everything was a blur to me. Walking into a new town, new life, new jobs and new everything was overwhelming. Everything and everyone was new. I may recognize a face but I couldn't place which job, which circumstance or how I had met this person. New. New. New. It was a very blurry year.

Specific conversations would feel general to me because I didn't know the background, location or circumstances. I was walking home from work one day when I finally started to "see the leaves".  I don't remember what it was but suddenly it was like someone pulled the hair out of my eyes. 

I connected the dots and marveled at the realization I was finally seeing the light because EVERYTHING wasn't new. I was able to the leaves on the trees.

I thought of my aunt and appreciated the clarity of my new life finally feel like it's all coming together. One leaf at a time.

Wishes are Coming True

My hopes and dreams list is being attended to very nicely. Wishes are coming true:

Complete!

Unfortunately the shed package was not an ideal building solution. Frustrations and challenges galore. My son persevered, despite it all. And it is done.

The next item on my wish list? A new bedroom window:

Perfect!

Some finishing touches left to tend but it's well on its way. It is bigger than the previous window and it has a screen (I broke the screen on the previous window) so I will be able to open my window to let the cool evening air in. Wonderful!!

The best part of this reno-so-far, is I had to sleep in my favorite-room-in-the-house last night:

I adore this cozy little room.

It felt like coming home again.

Good things are happening here!!

Dare I hope for more? Time will tell ...

Something Good is Happening Here

Spring has sprung and my wish list is being tended:

 The best part about this view is the two deer who meandered through and popped over the fence before I could snap a picture to prove their presence in my yard.

Even Mother Nature's creatures are curious to know what's next. 

Stay tuned.

Letter to Myself - Written Nine Years Ago

I stumbled across this post written almost nine years ago. I was going through one of my regularly scheduled depressive modes. Now that the age of 65 is creeping up on me, it is nice to look back on yesteryear and see how far I have come along. Yet there is still so far to go... 

SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 2016

Letter to Self (from a Sixty Year Old Me)

Dear Fifty Five Year Old You,

I am writing this letter to you four and a half years in advance of you turning sixty years old. I am writing it to you this morning because I'm a little disgusted and disappointed in "55 Year Old You" and I think you need a good talking to. This may not be pretty. You have been warned.

I am very disappointed in you lately. If I didn't know who you were and where you have been, I would call you a "quitter". Heavens, I can't even call you a quitter because lately you have been too afraid, paralyzed &/or lazy to even start anything.

I know, I know. Once you start, you feel committed. Once you feel committed to something, you start beating yourself up. Relentlessly. You think you can't start something because you don't have a whole big chunk of time to devote to the job. So you don't start anything.

This has got to end. You know that. You know the answer is to simply take small bites out of big jobs and whittle away at them. You know this! Why aren't you acting on it? I know, I know!  You are tired. Your daycare days are long. Your weekends are short. How can you do "big things" when you have so little left over at the end of the day?

If you keep this up, by the time you hit the age of sixty you will want to abandon this ship and this home you have created because there is always "too much to do". Isn't this home everything you ever wanted? Hasn't this house enabled you to work from home and adapted to whatever you wanted it to do for you? Hasn't the ability to pay "interest only" on your mortgage allowed you to pay your bills, live a comfortable life and given you more financial freedom than renting an apartment could ever afford you?

This house is so much more than a roof over your head. It sustains you. It shelters you from the harsh elements of life in so many ways more than the weather. Respect it, take care of it, pamper it a little from time to time and it will continue to be there for you. And please, please, please try to pay it off!

Speaking of houses, I have no idea why I started this rant about "where you are" and "where I want you to go" with the house. I should have started with this body that is going to carry us from Point A to Point B. If I think you've let the house that shelters us go to pot, what in the world do you think I think about the way you are treating our body? How in the world is this vessel going to weather stormy weather if you don't smarten up and take better care of it?

As it is with the house, it is with our body. Start small. Rome wasn't built in a day. Fifteen minutes isn't long. Start there. Fifteen minutes of extra curricular movement. Yes, I know you think your daycare life is keeping you from turning to stone. But it isn't challenging you. You need to stretch and move and lift and get your heart pumping faster. You know this. But you aren't doing anything about it.

Start with an early morning walk. Rain or shine or sleet or hail. Walk. Just walk! Remember how awesome you felt when you took on those early morning paper routes? Walking the streets of your neighborhood while "the world" slept? You marvelled at the Northern lights, the glistening snow, the sounds of silence and nature. You thought. The words flowed in and out and through you. You came home revitalized, energized and motivated. You loved that time. Skip the paper route, take on the walks. Start there. Add and change things up as you go along. But you must BEGIN. You must. Your life depends upon it.

While I'm at it, you must nourish yourself with good food. What you feed your body fuels your brain and your brain is acting starved lately. Give it some good, solid fuel to work with and you may be amazed that your ability to think, act decisively and "do hard things". This is half the work you thought it was when you were spending your life binge watching the Gilmore Girls on the couch, with a can of Pringles at your side. Replace the Pringles with almonds. Make good meals and you may be amazed that you may fuel the appetite of others. "If you make it they will come."

I've sat back and watched you wither yourself away into a shadow of who you are capable of being. You do not have to do great things at all times but you do need to follow your passions. When you deny yourself the ability to dream big and chase a few of those dreams you become small and your world becomes smaller. You know your world is shrinking. You think you like this feeling right now. I want you to look outside of your smallness and do uncomfortable things again. Invite people into your life.

You need to look out the window and let the world inside. You are lonely and you don't even know it. You think you don't have enough of yourself to spread out any thinner than you already are. You have been here before and you will be here again. Writing is where it is at for you. If you are too tired, too fearful and too stuck in your ruts, WRITE! Send emails, letters, cards and write little notes to those who have made an impact. Write! Write! Write! This is the way out of your small world. It is a beginning.

Judging by the dreams you have been having lately, you are feeling very aware of Mom's mortality. In some ways, you feel like you are "channelling Mom" in the ways you have slowed yourself down, felt overly attached to this house and subconsciously made your world such a small one. I think you are trying to understand exactly what she is feeling by mirroring her world within your own. STOP IT! Stop it right now!! Instead, focus on "who Mom was" when she was the age you are at right now.

When Mom was this age, she was faced with her new reality after Dad's heart attack. He never came home again. I think of Mom when she was going through that time and she was strong. She simply kept taking the next forward step during a time where she must have felt completely in limbo. We marvelled at how young Mom was at age 65 and all the memories her grandchildren had of their very untypical grandma. Yes, Mom was (and still is) a force to be reckoned with. Her family and her home were (and still are) everything to her. Yes, she has slowed down. Yes, her body is starting to wear out. No, she will not live forever. That scares you, doesn't it? Ya, me too.

We don't know what life is going to hand us in between "now" and "five years from now". You simply cannot spend your time focused on that uncertainty. Take the lessons you learned from "loving André" and pay them forward.

• SAVOR THE MOMENT. Always. 
• Make memories, document them. Take pictures, but write. ALWAYS WRITE!
• Let your love shine. Your actions speak louder than words. ACT LOVINGLY.
• Let others know how you feel. SPREAD THE POSITIVE. One positive word goes a long way. 
• You will never regret what you have done. DO ALL YOU ARE CAPABLE OF DOING.

You know where your passions lie. For you, it is writing. Write for yourself. Share what is worth sharing. Just keep writing.

You are at a crossroads right now. Your children are adults and on their way. Some are further down the road than others but never forget how you feel towards your own Mom because that feeling is one you want to nurture with  your own children. We have a good, solid foundation. Just keep building.

You have some amazing friendships and relationships within your world. Don't neglect them. Even when you think you don't have time, you can always make time to send off a note or card or email. Keep those connections alive. They nourish and sustain you.

Take a chance. One chance at a time. You have become a shell of who you used to be. You know it. You are disappointed in yourself right now but this is not the end of your story. Even though (at the moment) you wouldn't care if it was.

Yes, you are tired. You are tired because you are not involved in creating your own story. You are sitting dormant, waiting for life to happen. When "life happens" it is like a slap on the face. You react. You feel indignant. You recoil then rebound. You always rebound. How about not waiting for a "slap in the face" this time? You have the power to live life out loud without being slapped into it.

Feed your body, mind and soul with fresh air, good food and positive input.
Walk. START by walking.
Write. Never stop writing. It is where you find your answers, your inspiration and your dreams.
Love. Open your heart up and take a chance again.

I want to read these words in four and a half years and say "YES! YES!! and YES!!!". I did it. I made changes. I pushed myself out of that rut and into a new and improved one. Most of all I want you to believe "Life does go on regardless of how you live it. Live it well!"

See you in the future my weary friend. You have everything you need inside of you. And if it isn't inside of you, it is here within your home, your heart and those who touch your world. Stay connected, my friend. Stop, look, listen with your heart. You will find your way. You aren't lost. You just haven't found the right highway yet.

You will find your Field of Dreams, my friend. "If you build it, they will come" ...

To be continued.

Write at Night

Write at Night - this was yesterday morning's epiphany. This would become my new habit. Write at night in order to extend my existence past 6:30 pm. Long story short? I didn't work.

It still feels like night, as I write this. Sunrise is 40 minutes away, so "I still have time" (I hear Mr. Incredible's voice in my head as I write this).

I've restarted the habit of writing three, hand written 8-1/2" X 11" pages every morning from my room with a view within my home. I'll write more about that another day. That little room is becoming a dream come true for me. Truly an oasis within this little home of mine ...

The habit of writing my unedited thoughts and just going with the flow of wherever the pen takes me has been tedious at times but for the most part, it has been clearing out the clutter of my thoughts. Does everyone spend their day with their Inner Critic nattering endlessly in the background as life-as-you-live it? Or is it just me?

I have named my Inner Critic "Gertrude". And man!? Gertrude is quite the piece of work a lot of days. She has a snide tone to her voice. Nasal to be exact. With attitude. Nag. Nag. Nag. I write her out of my thoughts as I write my Morning Pages. It helps.

The vast majority of my morning thoughts are to-do-tasks, counting down to the weekend, naming the day and my feelings about it. Blah, blah, blah.

This morning, as I (once again) counted down the days until the weekend, I thought of how this weekend countdown ritual reminded me of my youth and how I may never outgrow it. It put a different spin on my tired old tale of working for the weekend.

I listed off a long list of little things that remind me of my youth and how I nurture my inner child. Thankfully I have written this list in longhand, so I won't bother repeating myself here. But I ended my list with my home-of-choice these days.

I moved back to my Home Province thirty seven years ago. I moved back to my Town of Birth eight months ago. This morning, I tried to envision moving back to my home of thirty six years and I couldn't see it.

I moved off the farm as a child fifty five years ago. Every step I've taken since that time has led me to this exact moment in time. I've said it before and I hope to keep saying it - I am exactly where I am meant to be.

I'm content. Life feels very different than it felt a year ago. There have been a few growing pains but for the most part it has been growth in a very positive way. I don't embrace change so I've made it harder on myself than it had to be. One forward step at a time, I've made my way to where I am at this very moment.

I'm home.

I Am Here

This is it. I am here. I am present, quiet and savoring the moment (and my second cup of coffee).

I have spent the past half hour re-reading my posts from the past five months. I'm glad I documented some of my journey to get from there to here. It feels so very good to be sitting in this moment. Here. Today. 

Life is shifting into a new normal. It is early days so there is much tweaking to be done. Over the course of time, slipping into survival mode triggered a lot of coping mechanisms which became habits. It has been two weeks. I will not chastise myself too much yet. But coming home, finding food, collapsing onto the couch and staying awake only long enough to chew, swallow, brush my teeth and crawl into my pj's cannot become my new life.

The pressures of full-time daycaring shifted into a time of finding myself in the presence of seniors in declining health. Snuggling up on the couch in my pajamas, with chips and pop at my side became my reward for getting through the day. I often said (unfortunately it is still true today), "If I'm not chewing, talking or moving I am asleep". 

Getting through the week has felt familiarly draining. New jobs. Being "on" ALL day, every day. Adjusting to dressing for work, leaving the house and adhering to a full time work schedule has taken a new kind of energy.

I've done it. I'm doing it. But I continue to look forward to my weekends in a manner that reminds me of a teenager who lives for Friday. 

Here I am. Savoring my Saturday morning coffee. Inhaling the morning. Mapping out a plan for the next two days. Aaaah.

We are ten days into August and if I hadn't splurged on two getaway weekends and repairing a washing machine, I could happily say "I haven't spent a penny!!". 

My car hasn't moved for thirteen days. I haven't needed to fortify my groceries for thirteen days. I have been tempted to run to the city to splurge on storage solutions but tempered that thought with a wait-and-see approach for now.

The urge to spend money is next to nil. The desire to immerse myself into nesting is all encompassing. I have little energy to expend outside this little piece of property. The desire for connection is strong.

It will come. One day at a time. 

March 23rd

August 10th

Little touches here and there are turning this generic little cabin into a home.

This is It

My last day living life-as-I-know-it has arrived. July 15th marked the 30 year anniversary of living in this home. January 1st, thirty six years ago we moved to this province. This city.

I moved here with my 9 year old and 4 month old children. They grew up, moved out and moved on. I gained a third child. She grew up, stayed home and I'm moving on. 

June 13, 2023 I wrote this:

"After much consideration, I have decided to retire and I am writing to tender my resignation...my last day of work will be June 30, 2024".

July 1st, I formally handed it all over. Done, complete, balanced, organized and relinquished in a manner I would hope for, if someone had worked for me. Done.

July 2nd to 28th has been a whirlwind of packing up, working in my new town, cleaning up and tying up loose ends. Today, I will relinquish this life in a manner I would hope for if someone was handing it over to me. Done. Almost.

There is a fridge to empty and clean. The car is packed and almost ready to go. The empty spots will very likely be filled to the gills with miscellaneous items, with only room for me in the car.

Just me.

Wow. This feels different than I thought it would. 

It will be a whole new world once I settle into regular, everyday life in my new home and town. I am beyond grateful I have found gainful employment that will sustain and nourish me. Literally and figuratively.

When I handed in my notice a year ago, I wistfully hoped I would be able to work a little on the side and do what they call "retire". I am now reframing retirement as "retiring from one job into my next".

New age retirement = continuing to work, but finding a more comfortable fit.

The fit feels wonderful. 

Now comes the next challenge. Living without dependents. Alone at last. 

Alone. But not lonely. That is the goal.

My final writing spot within this house I called home for thirty years...

A New Life Dawning

 "Where am I?" "What day is it?" "How long do I get to stay here??"

These are the questions I have been waking up to, when I actually sleep through the night these days. I have solved the dilemma of Where? What? How? lately by not falling into a deep restful sleep. The day will come. And I will be waking up in my newly refreshed life-as-I-know-it.

July 1st came and went. My one objective of this pivotal date was my date of resignation would have past and I would have evicted my "roommate", which was my job.

And ... (drumroll, please) ... I did it.

I wrapped up the June 30th deadline with a bow and handed it all over on July 1st. Happy New Year to me!!

Rewind the tape to last fall, when I started the process that eventually resulted in obtaining a casual job position in my new town. Due to the education requirements, there were many hoops to jump through during hiring process. After it was decided my education was sufficient, I had to take one more course. I did that. Then the interview. Then the skills test. 

October 4th was the beginning of this story. November 13th, I was offered a position. Next came one day of online education, submitting all new-hire documentation, including ensuring my immunizations were complete and up-to-date and training shifts. December 22nd was the end of the beginning of this same story.

At one point during the process I declared, "I have never worked so hard to get a job".

Then came the other end of the same, but very different story.

I gave my previous employers a year's notice that my date of resignation would be June 30th. The first six months were a breeze. The beginning of the next six months was overwhelming as I outlined all the deadlines I needed to meet, in order to be done in six short months. The last month? With the deadline looming and so much yet to do, was the motivation I needed to simply get the job done.

The final final four days of my job was like seeing the finish line ahead but the last leg of the race was the hardest leg of it all. And I did it. I really did it!!

June 30th (two loads of boxes and file cabinets later, this is what was left)

July 1st

July 2nd

At the beginning of my tale of two jobs, I declared, "I have never worked so hard to get a job". At the end of my tale, I declared, "I have never worked so hard to quit a job".

The second casual job position I was hired for was the best job interview of my life. It was as if every single thing I had accomplished throughout my working career mattered. Like all the puzzle pieces of my life came together to make me a good fit for the position I was eventually hired for. It was the easiest job interview of my life.

Here I am. One solid step into my new life. I am back in the town where I was born. 

I wake up knowing what day it is, where I am and knowing I am home. Home at last!

The Difference a Month Can Make

The months seem to be slipping through my fingers all of a sudden. Three months from now, I will be settling into my new life away from the one I know well. Three months.

I thrive on deadlines. This is one big reason I do believe it is in my best interest to continue to work for the foreseeable future. 

I have two casual job positions to move toward. Two opportunities to push myself out of my comfort zone at home and into the real world of people, interaction, responsibility and challenge.

I foresee quiet in my future. Time to nourish my thoughts, sit in them, write a little, feel a lot and walk through them. It is time to defrost the numbing habits I have developed and go forward from there.

I anticipate meeting new people and developing relationships. I am going "home" again. Family. Roots. Connection. I am starting to feel the tingling one feels when their frozen fingertips are coming back to life. 

I can feel the flutter of anticipation as I meet (and beat!) work deadlines. I read an article on de-cluttering and visions of filling boxes danced through my head. 

"What brings you joy?", Marie Kondo asks. Make room for the future, I tell myself.

The last time I gave this house a thorough purging was when my daycare was winding down to a close. I released the excess and made room for whatever life had in store. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was making room for Mom's belongings after she died. I have not purged since.

I look at Mom's collection of books. Some books are most definitely "Mom" and speak to me as well. Other books will never be touched. Am I ready to let those go?

I think of my ballroom dancing days and the accessories I amassed during that time. I would love to dance again but my days of excess glitter and shine? I may keep a little but I'm ready to let go of a lot.

I picture the small little home of my future and my desire to move much less than I presently own. Garage sales are in my future. The real bonus of a garage sale is actually cleaning the garage. It has been five years since the garage was cleaned.

One step at a time. Meeting deadlines has pushed me out of a slump I had been marinating in for far too long. Moving toward the future I see for myself will push me where I need to be. Then what?

It is all in my hands from there. 

Creating the life I saw for myself when we drove off the farm when I was nine years old. That nine-year-old little girl sobbing in the back seat of the car, making a solemn vow "I will grow up, become a teacher and move back". 

I grew up. I ran a daycare in lieu of teaching. I am finally moving back home. Not exactly where I grew up, but literally to where I was born.

Full circle.

Oh, the difference one month can make when we do nothing at all but let life unfold in its own way, in its own time:

March 10th

April 14th

Just imagine the potential of what could unfold when you take the reins and steer your life toward the direction you hope for.

The possibilities are endless. The reality may be entirely different. Believe "you are exactly where you are meant to be", try not to "sweat the small stuff", do what is within your control and have faith it will all work out in the end ...

April 18th

Reality may surprise you.

Six Months

Back to work. Back to my previously scheduled life. Back to the same old, same old.

As much as I love routine, the comfort of knowing my job well and all the benefits of working from home ... this part of my life is winding to a close. Six months. I gave notice last year. I now have six months to wind things up and pass the torch.

This knowledge should have me kicked into high gear right about now but I'm feeling overwhelmed. I am missing my teacher/my boss/my colleague/my support/my guiding light. 

If she was sitting in the office beside me, she would have a to-do-list written up and a timeline and outline of what must be done. I can do that. I am capable and her words still guide me.

My work situation prior to COVID was becoming unmanageable. Working from home bought three more years of employment than I would not have been capable of, if nothing had changed. 

I am grateful for that time, the experience I gained, the financial security of a regular pay cheque and the comfort of staying with a job I know well.

Now that there is an end in sight, I ponder the wisdom of waiting so long. There is no going back. Forward is the only option. Forward is good. Forward is a tad frightening.

Six months from now, the goal is to be living in my little oasis home away from home. The intention has been set. The path has been cleared. I have found employment in my new-to-me town. It is as simple as packing up my home and office, then passing my responsibilities over to the next generation.

July 1, 2024 ... oh, how I wonder how my life will look in six short months...

An empty calendar page at the moment.

It holds the potential for oh, so many things.

Distraction Fever

I've slipped a little off the "joie de vivre" arc I had been riding but I'm hanging in. I think I know my secret to regaining lost ground.

Purpose - a keen sense of an eye on what I want to accomplish and following through on it.

Sounds simple. I must learn to live the mantra "just do ONE thing". One action in the direction I want to go. One. That one action has an equal and opposite reaction. 

Some days? One move in the right direction takes me down a garden path of distraction. Other days? One good action begets another and another and so on and so forth. Then there are the days that ONE action is the beginning and end of all good intentions. 

When the going gets tough, the tough turn on the TV. Television and the glorious invention of "on demand", taping, pausing, rewinding and all the streaming options available has become the death of my best intentions.

I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. But? I do have an addiction to mind numbing activities.

I can see the repercussions in my writing. My thoughts don't have any meat on their bones. I skim the surface but I've stopped looking deeper. 

Even when I walk, my thought process has changed. I'm drawn to a park where there is a water feature that attracts nature in all its glory. I stop, look, listen and watch. Ducks, red winged blackbirds, rabbits and even bugs. Always moving. Life in motion. At least at six a.m. 

I wondered "Where do ducks sleep?" as I watched the family who appears to call this pond home. Google tells me they mostly sleep floating on the water. Floating. Even while sleeping there is movement. 

I replaced "duck" with "crow" in the above Google search and just fell down a deep rabbit hole reading about crows. Crows fascinate me ...

Distraction.

Sometimes I learn a little when I take these detours in my day.  Other times, I fritter away a perfectly good day doing little to nothing while following the whims of my thoughts. At least I'm thinking.

Today. Today I must choose and follow through on starting ONE thing. Start. Just start!

I don't want to lose the momentum I gained by accomplishing some of the tasks I call "hard". Start. Just start ...

Today

July has truly felt like a renewed beginning within this little world of mine.

Lines in the sand cement have been drawn.

A date has been set.

Day by day I see evidence of moving towards my plan of action.

One transition triggered the next course of events.

At least a year ago, I uttered the words aloud to those who would be affected,

 "When 'A' happens, 'B' will follow."

'A' happened.

'B' is in the works.

It has been like a domino has tipped over within my heart, mind and soul.

Life and death and everything in between has been brought to the forefront of my thoughts.

Friends, families, relationships and connections have been highlighted in neon yellow.

Focus on today, 

move towards the tomorrow you envision, 

step outside and take in whatever lies before you.

Breathe ...

 

It's a New Year!

July 1st feels like a brand new year this year.

All accounting jobs and expectations for the previous year end have been wrapped up.

On one hand, one of my jobs will be ending any day now.

On the other hand, I have given a one year's notice of resignation to my accounting job. My goal is to organize my little office and wrap up the year 2023. Leave my work organized enough so my heir-apparent can step into the role I will leave behind.

I will then move to my little oasis on the prairie. My hope is to take the summer off and then step into a job with hours conducive to living a life beyond work, make friends and connections and let my next "happily ever after" begin.

I have learned there are no happily ever afters in life. Simply new beginnings, renewed hope and more change. Always change.

The only thing certain in life are death and taxes and change.

I have drawn a line in the cement and I'm making way for a renewed life. One year from today ...

Happy New Year! 

Gen-DriveThru

"Gen X"  is where I officially fall within the Baby Boomers, Millennials and the Gen-classifications. But as I wandered through my morning, I began thinking that I belong to the Gen-Instant-Satisfaction era.

Drive-thru restaurants where you don't even have to get out of the car to enjoy a meal you didn't have to make has now been expanded to ordering groceries online and popping the trunk to let someone else load the groceries they have selected, scanned and then deliver/load right into the trunk of the car. Shopping online, where all you have to do is wait for the delivery date of said item. Phone appointments with anyone who doesn't need to physically see you. Instant access to movies, TV series and any number of things you may be interested in seeing are as simple as signing into your video streaming account, YouTube or any number of online videos available. 

Googling anything that has spurred my interest has become my most fascinating diversion. My most recent deep dive into the interwebs has been in search of Jane Fonda's quotes, interviews and books. I love listening to Glennon Doyle's podcast "We Can Do Hard Things" but have longed for a "Glennon" who is older than me. Someone who has experienced what I have, as I hit my Third Act (as per Jane Fonda). Lo and behold, Glennon/Abby/Amanda interviewed Jane Fonda on their podcast last week and I think Jane is the mentor I have been looking for.

The moment Jane spoke of starting over again at age 62, I thought to myself "She gets it!! She has already waded through this phase I've hit!" I immediately reserved her book Prime Time from the library (reserved online, of course, and a quick in/out trip at the library through the self checkout was almost as simple as picking up groceries) and I started thumbing through it last night.

I haven't delved deep into the book yet but as I leafed through some of the chapters that caught my interest, my attention was drawn to the need to move/walk/exercise regularly to maintain one's physical health. Moving a little and continuing to live a sedentary life is not the solution. 

So walking alone is not my answer. Walking is good for my body and good for my soul. I can feel it with every step I take (except when winter walking conditions prevail). What I need to add to that recipe is to come home and continue to do something physical. Clean that room. Organize and cull those piles. Keep busy and moving. But (and here is my excuse) I have a bookkeeping job to do. Then I spend the supper hours sitting idle with a senior who finds it hard to move and walk freely.

I cannot blame my job(s) for my inactivity. It is a pretty good alibi but I am the one who is responsible for sitting idly in front of the TV or computer or couch in my down time.

Thus, I started thinking of my desire for a drive-thru, instant gratification option for my lack of desire and motivation to move and live life in a healthier fashion. Could I hire someone to come in and clean the house and organize my office? If only I could start from a clean slate, certainly I could maintain it.

If only ...

If only came and went three years ago. At the end of our home renewal (reno), "all I had to do" was keep on top of the cleaning/dusting/cat hair. When I started working from home when pandemic recommendations suggested work-from-home alternatives, I started with a perfectly clean and organized office. All I had to do was keep it up to date.

I had my clean slate and now it is all dusty, cat-hairy and the piles of papers in my office make my knees go weak.

Instant satisfaction is what I am craving. The answer is to pull up my socks and just do it. This aligns with Jane's advice to stop living such a sedentary life. All the stars have aligned. The answers are staring me right in the face. 

So why am I craving McDonald's so badly right now? Yes, I am officially one of the Gen-DriveThru era.

Ahhh-some Moments

Reigniting the habit of writing has changed me. I'm seeing the world again. I live the day like I'm going to write a blog post about it. I'm spinning the tales I tell myself within my thoughts and it has changed my perspective in a positive way.

Living intentionally. Propelling myself into my days with a lightly formed agenda of that-which-I-want-to-do has put a new spin on an old life.

My days aren't long enough. Especially since I gave up mindless eating. The eating I did while staring at the TV, computer screen, my phone and most especially the eating I did simply to stay awake.

Mornings are precious to me so what I lose at night, I gain in the morning. Getting out of bed is so much easier than it had been. "How much can I squeeze into my pre-work hours?" has become my daily challenge.

When I work, I work better. More focus. More push. More drive. Then again, that could be because June brings a new set of deadlines to beat and I'm pretty good with deadlines.

The "woe is me" attitude is waning. It is becoming more of a "wow is me" mindset. Wow! I feel better when I do some morning stretches. Wow! It feels good to get out and walk. Wow! I have written a daily blog post ten days in a row. Wow! I am enjoying food so much more when I eat without distractions. Wow! Eating food without distractions is time consuming.

In the depth of winter and the despair I felt waking up to life as I know it, I woke up wishing the day away. I made my bed, longing for the moment I got to collapse back into it after a long, hard day. Work was hard. House and yard work were hard. Cooking was hard. Answering the phone was hard. Going through the paces of living my life felt so hard. My reprieve from the hard life was my escape to my little oasis on the prairie on weekends where life felt so much easier.

What I have discovered in my two week venture into leading an intentional life, is that I really don't have time to work. I'm ready for retirement now that I know how to spend my days intentionally.

Two weeks does not a habit make. But I have a very good feeling about this shift in perspective. It has added a sense of awe into the mundaneness of my Monday to Friday life. The "ahhhh" I write at the top of so many of my morning pages in my little oasis on the prairie is being supplemented by a little awe during the week. 

What are your "ahhh" moments? The moments when you sit still and simply feel awesome in the moment you are in? Revel in the "ahhh". Breathe it in. Hold it gently. See what you can do to add just a few more of those ahhh-some moments into your world. Small steps. Be quiet in those moments. Be still. Let your answers find you.

Oprah set the phrase "ah-ha moments" into action. I'm a little bit lazier than Oprah. I'll settle for the "ahhh-some moments". One moment at a time.

A few of my ahhh-some moments from my walk:

Random Idea Day

It was exactly one year ago today when an incoming text from my middle child changed the trajectory of our lives forever. "Random idea for you to think about..." Perhaps my most favorite seven word combination of all time.

I love the presentation of an idea that is worded in such a manner. It allows the person on the receiving end the freedom to consider, to ponder and wonder. No pressure - just some food for thought.

Random idea. A lovely phrase. I believe that is what I like best about sitting still with my own thoughts. The freefall of ideas that come to a person while in the shower, out for a walk or gazing off into the sky without the diversion of real-life thoughts. Random ideas can be nurtured or left alone. 

The words "random idea" conjure up all the best of the best transitions within life as I have lived it. The standout moments of my life were all planted with the seeds of random thoughts. 

In a world which has been dictated by pandemic restrictions, ethnic biases, viral propaganda spreading skewed information to purposefully sway opinions, I truly believe Random Idea Day should be an international holiday. If all information was spread in a manner in which one was simply invited to ponder without spreading fear, hate and bias I believe it could change the trajectory of where we go from here.

The Domino Effect

One decision. One action. One move in a forward direction has the power to change so much.

I write this sentence and my life flashes before my eyes. All the times one move in a forward direction after making a hard choice has changed my world forever.

Today's story is just one example of the power of choice. It all started with the words, "Random idea for you to think about ..." 

It was as if I walked into a chess game with all the game pieces already in play and all I had to do was make ONE move and the game played out as well as we could have ever hoped for (as far as we know so far).

So many variables came into play. Each and every game player was in a time and space to make a move. Each of us made calculated decisions based on exactly where we were at that place and time. In no time flat, an offer was on the table for a small house in small town Saskatchewan. The rest is history-in-the-making.

The seller of the property was in a place where they accepted our offer. That is a story I will most likely never know. I just hope their decision to sell at this particular time has been a choice that has had a positive effect in their life.

In the short term, this investment has opened up a whole realm of possibilities for my co-owner. This move changed their possible range of trajectories in a direction which feels nothing short of amazing.

In the long term, this could become my future home in retirement. I am asked on a regular basis to question the wisdom of this decision. I fully believe and my constant answer is "There are about a billion little things that must fall into place between 'now' and 'then', but I have faith that all will work out exactly how it is meant to be."

My date of retirement is contingent on how long my present job lasts. It could be long term. It could be a short time span. I honestly don't know. 

I am completely content not knowing. IF I knew what was coming I would be consumed with all that must take place and worry about my financial state of affairs far too much. The state of not knowing has given me a grace period to simply take one step at a time and do the next-right-thing.

My youngest must become fully independent and step into their own life before I can sell our present day home. Again, there are many variables at play which make estimating their date of departure from our safe little haven we call home. I trust all will work out in its own way. I have no need nor desire to know exactly how or when this will occur.

The house itself has a laundry list of repairs and maintenance which at some point may make us question the wisdom of our decision. But in this moment, today, for the exact purpose we made an offer on and purchased this home, it is in move-in-condition and it has felt like home from the moment we adopted it as our own.

In the short term, there are things I can do with materials I already have on hand. It is costing nothing more than my time and effort. My thoughts are healthier when I am consumed with a project and the rewards are priceless. 

I have not felt this content and focused on a future "aspiration" since I completed my dad's family's book of memories in the fall of 2014. This alone is worth its weight in gold. 

One decision. So many potential outcomes. The domino effect of living life is ongoing. This can go many ways. I am beyond grateful our dominos seem to be heading us in a positive direction.

Next project - free of charge - scrape and paint the exterior door casings

Simplicity

Simplicity. Personally, I think that is at the core of my well being. To create a life where I don't fall into the trap of worrying about things I have no control over or that really don't matter in the whole scheme of things. 

Sounds simple.

Life is never as simple as one would hope. That's a good thing. We need contrasts in order to help recognize the goodness of overcoming life's challenges. 

Working from home creates a complexity under this roof which is hard to ignore. One thing I have done absolutely right is to enclose my work space within a room-with-a-door. Unfortunately, that very room looks like this at the moment. Every square inch of flat work space is covered with works-in-progress:

Even more unfortunate, is the "spillage" into other areas of the house:

 

Can I just say "Aaaaaaaack!!"

The hard question I must ask myself right now is "Am I running away from my overwhelmed life when I head out to my home-away-from-home?" or "Am I running toward a simpler life?"

A little of both.

I must contend with the excess under my home-at-home. A life of simplicity necessitates dealing with that which is weighing me down. I DID rehome an entire house worth of excess belongings. Now I must deal with my home office. Having an office which is overtaking our home is not my definition of a simple,well defined work space.

In the meantime, I will let Glennon Doyle's words guide me. Just keep going. I know her message is much deeper than dealing with an overwhelmed office. But it fits my state of mind when I enter the room that has the power to overwhelm me. 

This framed quote is the ONLY personal item within my home office. 

"Just keep going, please ..."

Aspiration

I aspire to be ...

I did not realize the power these words held until I read something this morning. The writer of the post said three things set them into motion: inspiration, aspiration or desperation.

Inspiration does not take me far. It is a spark. But a spark does not ignite without good air flow and a little "fanning of the flame" to keep it burning. Inspiration without a defined goal depletes me. I need to work toward an end result. To dream of something bigger than the spark of an idea.

I would have said desperation my driving force until I realized "desperation" has caused me to wake up and take note of a situation which no longer served me. I have sat in limbo making pro/con lists as I mapped out possibilities of where I could go from where I was at. 

To run with no set destination in mind, one doesn't go far. Once one has a defined destination - something to run toward, endless possibilities await.

I have been navigating my life without a map for a lot of years now. Lost at sea. Aimless. Pointless. Drifting. No future hopes, goals or dreams leads to nowhere.

Suddenly, "retirement" is a goal I have in mind. I have found a home I hope to retire in. A physical change, made with intention. I am moving towards the life I aspire to live.

The timeline is flexible but for the first time since Mom asked me about my 10 year plan (almost four years ago), I have found myself smack dab in the middle of a tentative 5 year plan. 

Mom? I have a plan. It feels good. Drifting aimlessly through one's days/months/years is not exhausting. But it certainly isn't life affirming.

I see the life I aspire to live in the not-so-distant future. 

This looks (and feels) like a very good destination to run toward...