Letter to Myself - Written Nine Years Ago

I stumbled across this post written almost nine years ago. I was going through one of my regularly scheduled depressive modes. Now that the age of 65 is creeping up on me, it is nice to look back on yesteryear and see how far I have come along. Yet there is still so far to go... 

SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 2016

Letter to Self (from a Sixty Year Old Me)

Dear Fifty Five Year Old You,

I am writing this letter to you four and a half years in advance of you turning sixty years old. I am writing it to you this morning because I'm a little disgusted and disappointed in "55 Year Old You" and I think you need a good talking to. This may not be pretty. You have been warned.

I am very disappointed in you lately. If I didn't know who you were and where you have been, I would call you a "quitter". Heavens, I can't even call you a quitter because lately you have been too afraid, paralyzed &/or lazy to even start anything.

I know, I know. Once you start, you feel committed. Once you feel committed to something, you start beating yourself up. Relentlessly. You think you can't start something because you don't have a whole big chunk of time to devote to the job. So you don't start anything.

This has got to end. You know that. You know the answer is to simply take small bites out of big jobs and whittle away at them. You know this! Why aren't you acting on it? I know, I know!  You are tired. Your daycare days are long. Your weekends are short. How can you do "big things" when you have so little left over at the end of the day?

If you keep this up, by the time you hit the age of sixty you will want to abandon this ship and this home you have created because there is always "too much to do". Isn't this home everything you ever wanted? Hasn't this house enabled you to work from home and adapted to whatever you wanted it to do for you? Hasn't the ability to pay "interest only" on your mortgage allowed you to pay your bills, live a comfortable life and given you more financial freedom than renting an apartment could ever afford you?

This house is so much more than a roof over your head. It sustains you. It shelters you from the harsh elements of life in so many ways more than the weather. Respect it, take care of it, pamper it a little from time to time and it will continue to be there for you. And please, please, please try to pay it off!

Speaking of houses, I have no idea why I started this rant about "where you are" and "where I want you to go" with the house. I should have started with this body that is going to carry us from Point A to Point B. If I think you've let the house that shelters us go to pot, what in the world do you think I think about the way you are treating our body? How in the world is this vessel going to weather stormy weather if you don't smarten up and take better care of it?

As it is with the house, it is with our body. Start small. Rome wasn't built in a day. Fifteen minutes isn't long. Start there. Fifteen minutes of extra curricular movement. Yes, I know you think your daycare life is keeping you from turning to stone. But it isn't challenging you. You need to stretch and move and lift and get your heart pumping faster. You know this. But you aren't doing anything about it.

Start with an early morning walk. Rain or shine or sleet or hail. Walk. Just walk! Remember how awesome you felt when you took on those early morning paper routes? Walking the streets of your neighborhood while "the world" slept? You marvelled at the Northern lights, the glistening snow, the sounds of silence and nature. You thought. The words flowed in and out and through you. You came home revitalized, energized and motivated. You loved that time. Skip the paper route, take on the walks. Start there. Add and change things up as you go along. But you must BEGIN. You must. Your life depends upon it.

While I'm at it, you must nourish yourself with good food. What you feed your body fuels your brain and your brain is acting starved lately. Give it some good, solid fuel to work with and you may be amazed that your ability to think, act decisively and "do hard things". This is half the work you thought it was when you were spending your life binge watching the Gilmore Girls on the couch, with a can of Pringles at your side. Replace the Pringles with almonds. Make good meals and you may be amazed that you may fuel the appetite of others. "If you make it they will come."

I've sat back and watched you wither yourself away into a shadow of who you are capable of being. You do not have to do great things at all times but you do need to follow your passions. When you deny yourself the ability to dream big and chase a few of those dreams you become small and your world becomes smaller. You know your world is shrinking. You think you like this feeling right now. I want you to look outside of your smallness and do uncomfortable things again. Invite people into your life.

You need to look out the window and let the world inside. You are lonely and you don't even know it. You think you don't have enough of yourself to spread out any thinner than you already are. You have been here before and you will be here again. Writing is where it is at for you. If you are too tired, too fearful and too stuck in your ruts, WRITE! Send emails, letters, cards and write little notes to those who have made an impact. Write! Write! Write! This is the way out of your small world. It is a beginning.

Judging by the dreams you have been having lately, you are feeling very aware of Mom's mortality. In some ways, you feel like you are "channelling Mom" in the ways you have slowed yourself down, felt overly attached to this house and subconsciously made your world such a small one. I think you are trying to understand exactly what she is feeling by mirroring her world within your own. STOP IT! Stop it right now!! Instead, focus on "who Mom was" when she was the age you are at right now.

When Mom was this age, she was faced with her new reality after Dad's heart attack. He never came home again. I think of Mom when she was going through that time and she was strong. She simply kept taking the next forward step during a time where she must have felt completely in limbo. We marvelled at how young Mom was at age 65 and all the memories her grandchildren had of their very untypical grandma. Yes, Mom was (and still is) a force to be reckoned with. Her family and her home were (and still are) everything to her. Yes, she has slowed down. Yes, her body is starting to wear out. No, she will not live forever. That scares you, doesn't it? Ya, me too.

We don't know what life is going to hand us in between "now" and "five years from now". You simply cannot spend your time focused on that uncertainty. Take the lessons you learned from "loving André" and pay them forward.

• SAVOR THE MOMENT. Always. 
• Make memories, document them. Take pictures, but write. ALWAYS WRITE!
• Let your love shine. Your actions speak louder than words. ACT LOVINGLY.
• Let others know how you feel. SPREAD THE POSITIVE. One positive word goes a long way. 
• You will never regret what you have done. DO ALL YOU ARE CAPABLE OF DOING.

You know where your passions lie. For you, it is writing. Write for yourself. Share what is worth sharing. Just keep writing.

You are at a crossroads right now. Your children are adults and on their way. Some are further down the road than others but never forget how you feel towards your own Mom because that feeling is one you want to nurture with  your own children. We have a good, solid foundation. Just keep building.

You have some amazing friendships and relationships within your world. Don't neglect them. Even when you think you don't have time, you can always make time to send off a note or card or email. Keep those connections alive. They nourish and sustain you.

Take a chance. One chance at a time. You have become a shell of who you used to be. You know it. You are disappointed in yourself right now but this is not the end of your story. Even though (at the moment) you wouldn't care if it was.

Yes, you are tired. You are tired because you are not involved in creating your own story. You are sitting dormant, waiting for life to happen. When "life happens" it is like a slap on the face. You react. You feel indignant. You recoil then rebound. You always rebound. How about not waiting for a "slap in the face" this time? You have the power to live life out loud without being slapped into it.

Feed your body, mind and soul with fresh air, good food and positive input.
Walk. START by walking.
Write. Never stop writing. It is where you find your answers, your inspiration and your dreams.
Love. Open your heart up and take a chance again.

I want to read these words in four and a half years and say "YES! YES!! and YES!!!". I did it. I made changes. I pushed myself out of that rut and into a new and improved one. Most of all I want you to believe "Life does go on regardless of how you live it. Live it well!"

See you in the future my weary friend. You have everything you need inside of you. And if it isn't inside of you, it is here within your home, your heart and those who touch your world. Stay connected, my friend. Stop, look, listen with your heart. You will find your way. You aren't lost. You just haven't found the right highway yet.

You will find your Field of Dreams, my friend. "If you build it, they will come" ...

To be continued.

The Difference a Month Can Make

The months seem to be slipping through my fingers all of a sudden. Three months from now, I will be settling into my new life away from the one I know well. Three months.

I thrive on deadlines. This is one big reason I do believe it is in my best interest to continue to work for the foreseeable future. 

I have two casual job positions to move toward. Two opportunities to push myself out of my comfort zone at home and into the real world of people, interaction, responsibility and challenge.

I foresee quiet in my future. Time to nourish my thoughts, sit in them, write a little, feel a lot and walk through them. It is time to defrost the numbing habits I have developed and go forward from there.

I anticipate meeting new people and developing relationships. I am going "home" again. Family. Roots. Connection. I am starting to feel the tingling one feels when their frozen fingertips are coming back to life. 

I can feel the flutter of anticipation as I meet (and beat!) work deadlines. I read an article on de-cluttering and visions of filling boxes danced through my head. 

"What brings you joy?", Marie Kondo asks. Make room for the future, I tell myself.

The last time I gave this house a thorough purging was when my daycare was winding down to a close. I released the excess and made room for whatever life had in store. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was making room for Mom's belongings after she died. I have not purged since.

I look at Mom's collection of books. Some books are most definitely "Mom" and speak to me as well. Other books will never be touched. Am I ready to let those go?

I think of my ballroom dancing days and the accessories I amassed during that time. I would love to dance again but my days of excess glitter and shine? I may keep a little but I'm ready to let go of a lot.

I picture the small little home of my future and my desire to move much less than I presently own. Garage sales are in my future. The real bonus of a garage sale is actually cleaning the garage. It has been five years since the garage was cleaned.

One step at a time. Meeting deadlines has pushed me out of a slump I had been marinating in for far too long. Moving toward the future I see for myself will push me where I need to be. Then what?

It is all in my hands from there. 

Creating the life I saw for myself when we drove off the farm when I was nine years old. That nine-year-old little girl sobbing in the back seat of the car, making a solemn vow "I will grow up, become a teacher and move back". 

I grew up. I ran a daycare in lieu of teaching. I am finally moving back home. Not exactly where I grew up, but literally to where I was born.

Full circle.

Oh, the difference one month can make when we do nothing at all but let life unfold in its own way, in its own time:

March 10th

April 14th

Just imagine the potential of what could unfold when you take the reins and steer your life toward the direction you hope for.

The possibilities are endless. The reality may be entirely different. Believe "you are exactly where you are meant to be", try not to "sweat the small stuff", do what is within your control and have faith it will all work out in the end ...

April 18th

Reality may surprise you.

A Multi-Topical Post

I'm sitting in the middle of a natural "high" at the moment. Brought to me courtesy of: completing a task BEFORE a long weekend; savoring the moment of a Friday off; persevering through a challenging month; the satisfaction of the month-end credit card balance equaling $0.00; AND the morning-after elation of my 20% off shopping at Shoppers.

Where to begin? Where to begin?

I have a list of "hard things" to accomplish within my office-that-lives-at-home. There is a bonus to the satisfaction of completing these tasks due to the fact I chose my resignation date to coincide with completing, filing and finalizing all year-end tasks before my end date. Each of these tasks has a bonus prize of being the last time I am responsible for its completion. ONE big job done has paved the way for what must follow. The hard part is over.

Month-end. It snuck up on me this month. I knew I had one big deadline to meet by March 31st. What surprised me was the fact that March 31st landed on a Sunday, with Friday being a holiday. All month-end tasks were due by Thursday (March 28th). And I did it! 

I thrive on deadlines. Wishy washy "do this when you have time" goals are my enemy. Tell me I have a week? It's done. Hormones are spiked and I'm riding a natural high that endures longer than most anything else I can imagine.

Our life has been sprinkled with the reality of living life. Our senior cat's bloodwork revealed he has Stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease. We are managing this with a renal cat food diet. Dry cat food is being consumed at a near-regular rate of speed, we've supplemented his diet with canned renal cat food and we have water dishes available in multiple areas. This has brought him back to where he was about a month ago. Litter conditions are unchanged so my unofficial diagnosis is his stomach is still not tolerating his food as well as it should. But we are enjoying his presence in our lives for as long as he is comfortable. 

A reminder that life is a temporary condition always feels like a surprise. Renewed appreciation of the small stuff is the reward.

I have been getting up an hour earlier, which has given me the illusion of extra time. The morning hours have always been my favorite. Time before the rest of the world wakes up feels more sacred. I've been prepared to step into my office at a reasonable hour without sacrificing the time it takes to recharge my own batteries.

Ahhh. Taking care of oneself without guilt of stealing time out of (what should be) work hours. Guilt-free pleasures are the best.

Speaking of taking care of myself, I have been diligently trying to take better care of this body I inhabit. Drinking water and spacing my vitamins and blood pressure medication two hours apart has become a full time job. I'm considering cutting out one of my vitamins to save time (and money). Then I added the complication of making a goal of meeting my daily fiber and calcium requirements. I'm so full from nuts/fiber and dairy, that I have little desire for actual meals. I do need to add some form of exercise (walking) into this routine but honestly! When will I have the time? I'll have to squeeze it into my day before my consumption of liquids necessitates the close proximity of washroom facilities.

What goes in, must come out. I am literally flushing my system. All day, every day. I (should) feel so clean inside.

Speaking of clean, I have yet to add a thorough cleansing of our home to my regimen. Thriving on deadlines is not serving me well as yet. I am planning on moving throughout the month of July. I have 3 months to procrastinate. Thirty years at one address will not pack up in a day. I have convinced myself that completing my work related tasks will free up the energy levels required to start dealing with the excess of possessions around here. I hope I'm right.

Packing up a full-time job and office, with the addition of emptying a home feels daunting. ONE step at a time.

I love and look forward to my personal month-end tasks. The games I play within my budget scheme are plentiful. They provide challenge, entertainment and joy. Let me tell you about my most recent joyful moment ...

Our weekly milk requirements revolve around senior's 20% off days at Shoppers. The bonus of Seniors Day at Shoppers is the minimum age requirement - 55 years. You better believe I mentioned this gift in my brother's 55th birthday card. It is a rite of passage and I have owned it. Add the association between Superstore's bonus points being added to the Shopper's Optimum card and it is a winning combination. 

Thanks to a bonus offer I couldn't refuse, I easily amassed $30.00 worth of points on my Optimum card. After an extremely expensive month, I opted to cash in $20.00 worth of those points when I made my weekly purchase. Add that to my 20% off savings and look at what I bought for $3.17 last night!!

Look at all that calcium and fiber!! $3.17!!! I am over the moon!

I need to save all the pennies I can. I have another expensive month on the horizon. New summer tires, an oil change, a few social outings (being reclusive is a much more affordable hobby), refilling my quarterly prescription, a hair cut and an unhealthy cat equals financial insecurity into my regularly scheduled life.

April is right around the corner and I'm already anticipating the satisfaction of enduring yet another month and summing it all up with my favorite number. Zero. Zero credit card balance + a near-zero savings account balance isn't my favorite combo, but it's better than the alternative.

All this and it is a holiday Friday to boot. Life just doesn't get any better ...

Six Months

Back to work. Back to my previously scheduled life. Back to the same old, same old.

As much as I love routine, the comfort of knowing my job well and all the benefits of working from home ... this part of my life is winding to a close. Six months. I gave notice last year. I now have six months to wind things up and pass the torch.

This knowledge should have me kicked into high gear right about now but I'm feeling overwhelmed. I am missing my teacher/my boss/my colleague/my support/my guiding light. 

If she was sitting in the office beside me, she would have a to-do-list written up and a timeline and outline of what must be done. I can do that. I am capable and her words still guide me.

My work situation prior to COVID was becoming unmanageable. Working from home bought three more years of employment than I would not have been capable of, if nothing had changed. 

I am grateful for that time, the experience I gained, the financial security of a regular pay cheque and the comfort of staying with a job I know well.

Now that there is an end in sight, I ponder the wisdom of waiting so long. There is no going back. Forward is the only option. Forward is good. Forward is a tad frightening.

Six months from now, the goal is to be living in my little oasis home away from home. The intention has been set. The path has been cleared. I have found employment in my new-to-me town. It is as simple as packing up my home and office, then passing my responsibilities over to the next generation.

July 1, 2024 ... oh, how I wonder how my life will look in six short months...

An empty calendar page at the moment.

It holds the potential for oh, so many things.

Quiet Desperation

I sit here and clutch onto my hot cup of coffee as I desperately hold onto the last moments I am free to call my own today.

I wrote that paragraph and erased the paragraphs to follow. I checked job postings. I took a few typing tests. I peeked my head out into the world beyond the world I have created here at home and feel like a turtle.

I've tucked my head and limbs back into the safety of what I know.

I've worked on my own for 3-1/2 years now. I ran my daycare for 14 years. In a faraway land of long ago, I remember telling myself I was the best boss I ever had. 

I have high expectations of myself. When I stop meeting those expectations, I want to be done. 

I'm there.

But I don't know where to go next.

The saddest part of all, is I do believe I know where I would go if I had no one else to consider ...

I see it.

I just have to get there.

Home.

P.S. I must make a trip to update this photo - a lot has changed since this was taken.

"This" Close

I despise my writing when I'm in count-down mode. My head is all about what needs to be done, how I will do it, when I will fit it all in and how long can I put off the inevitable. I work best under pressure but creating my own pressure cooker is my own doing. I have no one to blame but myself.

I have three days to complete April's to-do-list but it is my goal to tie up all loose ends tomorrow, so I have the weekend to do as I please.

What pleases me? Oh, so much!!

I have borrowed Michelle Obama's book "The Light We Carry" from the library. I started reading it last weekend and it is my kind of story telling. Easy to read, thought provoking and a person wants to turn the page in anticipation of more of the same. I had to close the book last weekend, but I'll be back!

Add to that, the Oprah's interview with Michelle Obama newly released on Netflix. That is cued up and ready to view. All I need want to go with that is a bowl of popcorn. I can't wait!

Then I really hit the library jackpot when I woke up yesterday to find my hold for Prince Harry's audio book "Spare" was available. I started listening immediately. I love listening to Harry speak of his life in a way only he can do. I am not quite two hours in, to sixteen hours of Harry's story. I am looking forward to the quiet space required to simply ... listen.

Our weather has finally broken. Snow is melted, temperatures are starting to climb and the great outdoors is calling. I can putter, I can sit on the deck with a cup of coffee and read, I can walk without dodging snow, ice and puddles and I could probably wash a window or ten. Possibilities are endless!!

I've cooked the past few weekends so I will plan easy meals and perhaps (if the month-end-budget allows) I may even splurge on the cheapest take-out option I can find. We'll see. Easy, tasty eating is on the horizon. I love it!

I am anticipating a weekend where all I have to do is open my eyes, get out of bed and go wherever the day takes me. No deadlines to meet, simply an agenda of fun and easy. It is time to celebrate enduring meeting another month of deadlines and obligations. 

I'm "this" close ...

TGIF

Thank goodness it's Thursday

I still have ONE more day to clear the slate for an easy, breezy weekend.

What do you hope to do to make way for that which brings you joy? May you find your way to being "this close" right along with me.

I Should Have Picked a Shorter Month

My goal to write once a day has been harder to accomplish than I thought it would be. Most of all, because I don't find I have anything of substance to write about. I used to have the ability to live a relatively full life, filter out the nuggets of an experience and find a moral in most of my stories. A beginning, a middle and a final paragraph with meaning. 

Hmphf.

Has that ship sailed? Or has it not even left the port? I scribble down thoughts when I think of them because most of my thoughts these days are fleeting. I have trouble holding onto the little storylines that run through my mind on the daily. It's a little like catching a wafting tuft of cat hair that is caught up in an air draft and appears like it may float along endlessly. This explains why I need to vacuum the moment I think I'm done. But the state of my brain? A little worrisome.

My well worn reminder to write is littered with coffee stains, figures and notations of various snippets of my mind as I have stumbled through the month.

I am trying. I hope to improve with age ...

The Best Part of Waking Up (is coffee in my cup)

It is my goal to wake up, grab a cup of coffee then come immediately to this spot to write. Instead, this is what happens:

• wake up
• realize its wash day
• change out of my pj's so I can wash them
• make and de-cat-hair my bed
• tuck the top sheet over my quilt to avoid cat gaining entry and sleeping in my sheets
• toss in a load of laundry
• top up our cat's water while I'm there
• turn on the kettle
• open blinds
• run the dry mop over the floors to tame the cat hair within
• get lost on Instagram as I (allegedly) check for signs of life from my son on vacation
• start a new post here
• get lost on Facebook as I (allegedly) search for an obituary
• toss laundry in the dryer
• clean cat litter while I'm there
• make a smoothie and second cup of coffee
• listen to a We Can Do Hard Things podcast while I...
• work on my daily word and number puzzles
• call our friendly neighborhood mechanic 
• run my car back to the shop (domino effect of problems after a repair three days ago)
• turn on my work computer and start morning routines
• put laundry away
• finish puzzles
• run out to buy milk since my day is already off to a bad start
• have an early lunch
• finish listening to podcast 
• back to work
• cat hair cleaning tool arrives in the mail - have to test it out!
• vacuum
• get lost in the day
• wake up to a new day and find an absolutely empty post from yesterday

Of all the morning goals I set for myself, I only seem to accomplish one of them. I have a cup of coffee. Every day. Amen to that.

I'm "this" far into the day ... 

Who Am I?

I may be having a late-life crisis. I don't know. I'm struggling. That is all I do know. Not struggling in a hard, life defeating way. Simply struggling to find the piece of myself that breathes life into my soul.

Writing has been the backbone of who I am, how I help myself, how I find myself when I'm lost and how to see answers unfold before me as I put words to the page. If I don't write, who am I?

I have always worked. Work always has its challenges no matter what I do, where I work or how I find a way to pay the bills. My work life has always been cyclical. I despise new jobs, not knowing what I need to know and struggling to meet the demands of a job. I love the middle. The part where I am comfortable, know my way around and I feel mostly satisfied at the end of a week. Then there is the end. The part where I'm searching, feeling "this" isn't right for me any more. Where do I go next? I have landed on my feet at the end of each one of these work cycles but I'm aging out and my desire to start a brand new job is nil. I don't want to start anew so I can't end this cycle. Maybe that is exactly where I am meant to be. Because if I don't work, who am I?

I am also nearing the end of my active parenting role. I will always BE a parent but my well worn phrase these days is, "I want to be a parent, the noun. I don't want to actively parent, the verb." I feel so ready to have my adult children show up on my doorstep (and vice versa) and just chat on a adult to adult level. We are all human, so there will always be the back and forth supportiveness that comes with the role of parenting. I will not abandon my adult children but I'm ready for each of us to live independently of each other. Once my last child leaves the nest and I find myself alone, who will I be if I'm not parenting?

I feel so ready to be done working yet the financial feasibility of living life without a regular paycheque is daunting. On days when anxiety rises to uncomfortable levels, I pull out my spreadsheets, update my net worth and try to guess what my financial needs will be when I stop working which stops me cold in my tracks. Working to age 70 and beyond seems to be the only consistent answer I come up with. Thus, the end-cycle of my present day work situation will most likely be followed by the need to start anew. I have fretted about my finances since I was a child. Always dreaming of how I would save up for the next goal, pay the bills, pay off debt, attempt to save regularly. If I didn't worry about money, how would I feel? 

Little stuff. The annoyance of cat hair verses the love of my favorite furry friends. If I didn't have cats, would I be content?

Home ownership and maintenance. The demands of owning a home are without end. I watch home renovation shows and long for low maintenance, minimal possessions, a four season sun room and convertible spaces to allow for overnight guests. City verses small town living. Having two homes to choose from, where would I choose to live? Where do I want to be to BE when I finish working?

I spent my entire childhood wanting to grow up. I grew up and discovered being an adult is hard work so I shifted my focus to the day when my children would leave home, I would be done working and living in a house that felt like home in every nook and cranny.

If all my wishes came true and I was living that idyllic life, who would I be when my days are not filled with what fills them up today?

Who WILL I be when I grow up?

No answers today. Only questions.

If I Could Save Time in a Bottle ...

If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I'd want to do ... would be to buy a bigger bottle.

In my one week journey to live a more intentional life and try to fit in all I should do, along with all I want to do I have discovered my uncanny knack to use up whatever time I have at hand.

A weekend of not having to work in my day job(s) was bliss. Oh, sweet glorious time! But (surprise, surprise!), I filled up my time effortlessly. 

Between yard work, house work, meal planning and company (yes!!! I have actual face-to-face people contact and company on weekends!!), I barely had time to catch up on the backlog of puzzles I hadn't had time to do over the course of last week. 

This is actually a pleasant surprise. I accomplished small things every day. I cooked and ate well. I wasn't consumed by TV, Internet and my phone. I ended each day with a small list of things I wish I would have had time for. 

Time. Are we all masters of using up whatever time we are given? In an effort to simply add a few basics into my regular ordinary life, I am scrambling to find a new equilibrium. 

I tried adding 15 minutes of some extra-curricular stretching, yoga or some form of exercise to help strengthen, tone and make my body just a little more limber. Too much, too soon? 

Time is such a fleeting thing. If you could save time in a bottle how would you choose to fill it?

Setting Intentions

I sat down and had a good, stern talk with myself one morning a few days ago. I came up with a list of intentions. I may have set too many. But I tried to make each and every one of them attainable.

It sounds easy:

• Walk
• Water 
• Write
• Limit TV/Netflix
• MINDFUL eating only (cut out eating in front of the TV, while at the computer or reading)
• Read
• Putter
• Initiate (notes/letters/email; invitations; seek out something new/different)

NOTE: Absolutely NONE-OF-THE-ABOVE cost one penny!

So far, I have managed four out of the eight. Not bad but there is room for improvement.

Writing - that is a big one for me. I have been half-hazardly hand writing three, 8-1/2" X 11" morning pages in a semi sorta on-again-off-again manner. I can do better than that. So? Here I am. Back on my blog.

When I started this blog, my goal was to write once a day. Focus on the positive. Live my days so I had something to write about (i.e. NOTICE the little things daily). Little stories. Write purposefully and attempt to wind up each post with a succinct finish that made my words worth reading.

I have strayed far off the mark and recently simply stopped posting. 

I am back. I plan to stay. By blogging, I become accountable. Accountable to show up, live each day in the moment so I have something fresh to bring to the page, focus on positive and up-lifting moments and make an attempt to wind up my thoughts with a summary worth reading. 

Those are a lofty set of goals. I am rusty but I will give it my best shot. I can tell I'm already making some headway. I am noticing "nature" again. I am stopping to listen and watch the world like I did in my days of daycaring. I have picked up the phone and initiated contact with friends and family. I am getting my feet wet and initiating invitations &/or suggestions.

I have been lost. COVID restrictions kept me where I was comfortable. It is time to peek out of this protected little shell I've built around myself and step back into the world. Would you like to join me? Please do. I do believe a better way of living life is out there if we simply open our eyes, ears and door so we can meet life half way.

Living the Dream

As my first thoughts of the morning found their way onto my "morning pages", they felt scrambled, disconnected, fragmented and torn. It is Monday morning and quite literally, I have one foot in my weekend-oasis-aspiring-retirement-place-of-residence and the other foot is packing up to go back home to my work-week and home-life responsibilities.

During my weekend, I get to take off all of my "responsibility hats" and simply exist. Fill myself up with whatever is needed, soak up some solitude and a fair dose of selfishness and simply live a life of ease.

My weekdays are consumed with bookkeeping, senior care, cat care, household tending and part-time-parenting my independently-dependent adult child who is living at home.

One foot into a hopeful retirement goal, one foot planted firmly in reality. Earning a living, paying the bills, taking care of the needs of our home and those who inhabit it. 

It is easy to dream the dream of retirement aspirations. But the road that must be travelled between where I am and where I aspire to be is unknown territory. A lot of things will change between where I am and where I want to go.

As I wound up the last sentence of my morning pages, I wistfully wrote "I may already be living the dream and I don't even know it".

We don't know what tomorrow will bring. We could be paving the way to a future we are anticipating but not realizing "this", where we are today, the "before" is truly the dream. 

Challenging as our days may be, it is good to remember life-as-we-know-it could change on a dime. Take a moment to think of what it may take to transition from one phase of life to the next. It could be a wonderful thing. Then again, it could be a set of dire circumstances that upset the status quo.

I will do my best to appreciate "what is", this week. I will not dwell on the "what ifs". I will glance towards the horizon and hope each forward step takes me one step closer to what I think it is I hope for. But not lose the gift of the present.

Who knows? We could already be living our dream. Dreams shift, evolve and morph in unexpected ways. Such is life. Let's just take it one forward step at a time.

A Small Goal

If I had only one goal to fulfill, it would be this: "I never want to wake up feeling dread for the day ahead of me".

Sounds easy. 

We all have these days. A day of dread. Dreading work. Dreading a day of too much, too little, too stressful, too hard. Challenging relationships. Financial woes. Hard decisions. Lacking motivation. Depression. Anxiety. Ill health. Concern over loved ones.

The feeling of not wanting to face up to the day is not my worry alone. 

My anxiety this morning is not a big, onerous, worrisome concern. It is a social outing. I must go out with people. I must meet up with people on unfamiliar territory. I must walk into a situation I am completely uncomfortable with. 

This is the first post-COVID invitation I have accepted. I have some angst over being in a crowded area without social distancing and masks involved. There will be people talking loudly. I visualize the mist of saliva wafting through the air.

There will be laughter and joy. Comedy and music. Enjoying the talent family members have honed, with my family. 

The sad thing is, I cannot wait to wake up tomorrow morning and have this all behind me. 

I should have declined the invitation. Maybe I can still wiggle out of it. 

I have been here before. Doing hard things for me, means accepting invitations. 99.9% of the time, I am grateful to have walked through the hard and got to the other side AND enjoyed myself in the process. I am 90% certain I will wake up tomorrow morning with a happiness hangover. 

But today? I just want to live the life of a cat. Not a care in the world other than finding the most comfortable spot to savor the day. I highly doubt our furry felines wake up dreading the day ahead of them. Then again, who knows? 

Baby Steps

I set a goal for myself on Sunday:

To have an "Intentional Day".

A day without TV, computer or cell phone. 

Unplug and set my intentions on "something".

My goal? 

To make these boxes disappear from the living room:

So what did I do?

I took out the pot I use to boil potatoes.

I replied to a few emails.

I picked up a book and read. 

All day.

Until 4:00

I sprung into action when my adult child stepped into the shower

 and forewarned me it would be a long one.

Aha! A goal at last:

See how much I can do for the time it took to shower.

Step 1 - Peel and boil potatoes; start supper preparations

Step 2 - Empty the living room of the wall-full-of-boxes

Step 3 - Vacuum

Step 4 - Assemble supper

Step 5 - Relax and enjoy the meal

I succeeded in my mission:

Next weekend's goal? 

Find a home for and empty a box.

One box at a time.

Baby steps are better than no steps at all.

Time Well Spent

A subconscious thought planted in my mind Monday morning may or may not have made the difference to the way I have approached this week.

Perhaps I have been more productive because the groundwork had already been laid. The tedious, hardest part of a job was done so when I had to "wrap it up", it didn't take long. I had time left over to tackle another quarterly job. Again, because I was already caught up on the prelimary work, it was not hard to complete the task set out before me.

I tend to believe I spend a lot of time "spinning my wheels" within this home office of mine. I may be wrong about that.

Time spent organizing and finding a place for everything and everything in its place means I don't lose time searching for things. I do NOT have a filing box. I simply put things where they belong so I don't have to waste time looking. It takes less than a minute to file a paper in its proper spot. Those are seconds well spent.

Jobs in progress have been laid out on my working table. Even though it looks like a bit of a disaster zone, there is a place for everything and everything in its place. When I needed to find the answers to questions, it took but a moment to find what I was looking for. I may (or may not) have dazzled my boss by putting my finger on the answers so effectively.  

I procrastinated all weekend. I admonished myself for not working on "the big job" that has been haunting me for longer than I care to admit. I lost a night of sleep over this job but I refused to get up at 2 a.m. and work on it because there is a time and a place for working. The middle of the night is NOT that time. 

The following day was Friday. Due to the fact that work had me tossing and turning all night, I did NOT have any desire to work the next morning. I went into the office. I started. I was easily distracted. When unexpected guests arrived, I welcomed them and the excuse to put off working. "I'll work tomorrow instead," I told myself. I lied.

I didn't work Saturday. I opened the office door Sunday in an attempt to entice myself into the work zone on my day off. But I didn't enter. What I DID do, was subconsciously map out my plan of attack. I knew what had to be done and how I was going to tackle it. Monday morning, I was armed and dangerous.

I've been ticking off boxes of things-that-need-to-get-done quickly and efficiently this week. I even tackled an off-site job yesterday and it went so much better than anticipated. 

My motivation to "clear the deck" of all the hard things this week has served me well. I still have several 95% complete jobs sitting out in my work space, with only two days left to tie up the loose ends.

There is no end to the work which is piling up behind this current state of completed-ness. It was starting to pile up before this week of productivity. My clear work space will be filled with more work and challenges ahead. 

I have spent a lot of time belittling myself for not working as efficiently as I expect of myself. I have not given myself credit for time spent doing the work that doesn't show in preparation for the big jobs that overwhelm me. 

As I write this, looking back in my rear view mirror, I am seeing a parallel between my bookkeeping work and a home renovation. Renovations begin with an idea. A spark. A plan. This could take years to formulate, depending upon the scale of work. Once the plan is set in action, there is SO much work to be done before any new work begins. Demolition, removing "what is", preparing the work area for "what is to come", the dirty unappreciated work that is beneath the surface. Preparation feels like 90% of the job. Then comes the renovation itself. Every step along the way is laid out in preparation for the steps to follow (and there are many). Renovations feel endless. 

A successful renovation begins with preparation. Time invested in planning, mapping out a strategic course of action and getting the hard, dirty work behind you is time well spent. By the time you reach the 95% mark, there is still work to be done. 

I'm at the 95% mark now. I'm in the home stretch. I feel like a marathon runner who is getting that last surge of energy to make it to the finish line. I'm almost there ...

The hardest part was beginning. Starting is often the hardest part. But don't forget to give yourself credit for time spent in the preparation phases. The pauses in life are sometimes exactly what we need. 

Today

Yesterday I wrote about my wish for a Math Holiday &/or a Cat Day.  I then proceeded to log another full work day.

Today? My aim is to have a Minimum Requirement Day. I will do what must be done. I will follow the ebbs and the flows of the day while hoping for a day dominant in "ebbs".

The windows are dirty, the edging around the lawn could be done, there are weeds to pick, cat hair to vacuum. After I'm done all work that requires sweating, I will shower and deal with my hair. Even while "ebbing", there is work begging to be done.

I have two books I have started to read. I long to sit still with one of them for hours on end. Neither book is fiction. My most indulgent wish is to loose myself in a fictional story that lifts me up and transports me to the world an author has created.

My goal today is to clear the slate for whatever the weekend may bring. 

What Would You Do If You Were Retired?

Retirement is a hot topic of conversation between my aunt and me. I'm just a little older than her oldest child. He retired a few years ago. This triggers many conversations.

Q - Why aren't you retired?

A - I didn't plan well enough.

Q - How did my son retire then?

A - He stayed at the same job throughout his career. I quit my job with benefits and became a daycare provider with no benefits and no pension.

Q - Why didn't you just keep on putting money aside then?

A - I was just managing to pay the bills. There was not enough left over.

Q - How long are you going to work?

A - Until I'm at least 65 unless my job situation is taken out of my hands. 

Q - Why don't you retire now?

A - What in the world would I do with my time? I may as well work.

Q - What do you do with your time now?

A - I waste time like nobody's business. I hate to think what I would do if I didn't have to work.

Q - But what do you DO?

A - I do puzzles, I read, I write, I do my banking and play with my finances, I follow where my curiosity leads and lose track of time.

Q - What's wrong with that? 

A - Hmmmm .....

I have spent the past few mornings lost in the questions:

Q - How much has accepting and issuing life's invitations cost me the past few years?

A - Last year - about $3,000; the year before that (a year where I issued as many invitations as I accepted) - closer to $5,000

Revelation - The word "yes" is expensive

Q - Could I afford to retire if the bottom fell out of my employment income?

A - No

Q - Where did my inheritance go?

A - It went exactly where it needed to go. No regrets. But I'm still not quite set up to retire.

Q - What WOULD I do if I was retired?

A - I have sooooo many things I would like to do around here. First, I would sort through paperwork, memories and pictures. 

When I felt I had some semblance of order in all of the above, I would sit down with my letters to Mom and her letters to me. I would sort them into date and conversational order. I would cull the highlights and create a collage of "Dear Mom" letters and Mom's responses. 

What would I do if I was retired? I believe I would sit still with what I have and create order out of the papers, memories, pictures and letters I have collected.

Back to my aunt's question:

Q - What's wrong with that? 

A - Hmmmm .....

Revelation: I am grateful for the repetitive nature of our conversations. It reminds me to remember what I have is good and maybe wasting time like nobody's business today means I am planting seeds for tomorrow.

What seeds are you unknowingly planting today? What small, repetitive actions/conversations/thoughts are reminding you to think and rethink your fate? What question triggers your curiosity and subconsciously sets your thoughts in motion? 

Lose yourself in those thoughts and see where they take you. 

Three Years

Last week, I read and reflected on the thought "What if this was your last week ..." A seed was planted that grew into a dream. A dream that felt amazingly light and brought an incredible sense of peace.

I can recall my dream in fragments. What I remember was being told (presumably by a doctor) that I had only three years to live. My response was a surprise to the person who imparted this news in my dream. "Three years?!" Three years was perfect!!

Three years would give me ample time to "clean house" and prepare. I would have lots of time to spend with family, friends, gatherings and re-unioning (obviously I was not concerned with COVID-19 within my dream state). I only had to concern myself with three more years of financially supporting myself?! 

Everything felt so attainable. Three years was perfect!!

I forgot about that dream until I started writing this morning. It is impossible to know what three years will bring. The ground beneath my feet feels uncertain at the moment. Kind of like I'm walking in quicksand and ever fearful of being pulled under.

Three years.

Why don't I "clean house" figuratively and literally? Not in one weekend. Just adopt a mindset of cleaning up the clutter within our home, my mind and my world in general.

Three years. 

My son should be close to completing his education and looking at the world beyond "home". My work world will have evolved into something different than today.  

Three years.

It is impossible to predict where things will be in three years. But what if a doctor told me I had three years to live. You can bet that I would spend those years wisely.

Why not spend my time wisely anyway?

Reimagining

My Christmas gift from my Middle Son has not only arrived, it has been installed and has moved into its rightful spot within our home. Mom's books have finally found their way to where I imagined them all along. In "Mom's room" ...

Before

After

It has all come together

The books moved into their shelving last night. I have spent the morning tweaking the look, the whereabouts and have brought out pictures which will complete the look.

This room has been one of several guest rooms within our home. It is the room Mom stayed in when she came out to help us move in (26 years ago). It is the room I dubbed "Mom's Room" from that day forward. It is the room she slept in whenever she came to visit (except when it was re-purposed as a daycare room for a while).

The third upstairs room has been transformed into my work-from-home space. The master bedroom has become my room once again. We officially have ONE guest room instead of three.

I have been wandering through the house this morning looking at it with fresh, new eyes. Our house has gone from "home" to "daycare" to "guest house" and presently it is its current state which utilizes every room upstairs. Finally.

I loved when our house was used for a daycare. Every square inch of our home was utilized. Inside and out. Every working day for fifteen years. When I closed my daycare and sold off all the daycare wares I remember feeling I was making room for what was headed my way ...

Little did I know I was making room for some of Mom's belongings after she died. Each and every item that entered our home had an empty spot waiting for its arrival. I had to shift things around in one room. Everything else just "fit".

I was lost for a while afterwards. It was a time when I had many guest rooms and lots of space in my life, heart and home to welcome company. When all three of our spare rooms were filled to capacity late this winter, I felt our home had found its identity. A home-away-from home for those who came to stay.

Then came COVID-19.

Self-isolating. Working-from-home. Staying home. Appreciating our surroundings.

Finally, finally the world reopened enough in and around the same time my son had enough time to devote to the task of installing the bookshelves he built this past winter. I wandered in and out of the room during the installation process. Part of me was panicking. The job of re-homing all Mom's books and belongings I have had in storage felt daunting.

Then I began.

One by one, each book found its spot. The Royal Family is altogether. A space for the Kennedy's. Another spot for biographies. True stories. Family history. Classics. School readers Mom collected (containing many verses she learned in school and could recite until her dying day). Reference materials. Some fiction. Almost everything has found its rightful spot within Mom's library (I am awaiting the final touch ups before re-homing the last of Mom's books on the top shelf).

I am looking at our home in a whole new light this morning. Mom's room looks and feels exactly the way I envisioned it. My office however? Needs a little work. The amazing part of this, is that most of what I need to turn this make-shift office into a "real" office is within our home. Some re-shuffling of what we already have will move the office reno in a forward direction.

Everything starts with a "before". The picture of the "now" is real. The vision of where you want to go is imagined. Unless you draw a picture of where you plan to go. In my case, I have framed my son's vision of the home he saw for Mom's books:

“A dream written down with a date becomes a goal. A goal broken down into steps becomes a plan. A plan backed by action makes your dreams come true.” ~  Greg Reid

I am re-imagining our home's purpose. It is a beginning. 

Unrest

I am loosely paraphrasing something I read recently about dreams.

Dreams written down become goals. Formulating the steps required to attain those goals becomes a plan. Following through on those steps becomes action. Taking action on a dream which was once only a wisp of a dream turns into achieving your dreams.

I used to dream.

I used to visualize where I wanted to be. I often wrote those dreams down. I sometimes added visuals to the dream. Then came the process. Step by step. One small step at a time. Dreams became reality.

I can scour the archives of this blog and my journals to witness the process I unknowingly created time and time and time again.

Unrest instigated the need for change.

Change is a process that required a set of goals.

Goals necessitated action and effort.

Effort was the catalyst of all that followed.

Achieving goals was the reward for all of the above.

The goals were achieved one step at a time. Yes, it was nice to reach the top of that mountain and enjoy the view. In retrospect, I realize I wouldn't have enjoyed the view a fraction of the amount if I hadn't personally overcome all it took to reach the summit.

Unrest. Change. Goals. Effort. Achievement.

Embrace the unrest. It is the catalyst which has the power to take you where you need to go.