Three Years

Last week, I read and reflected on the thought "What if this was your last week ..." A seed was planted that grew into a dream. A dream that felt amazingly light and brought an incredible sense of peace.

I can recall my dream in fragments. What I remember was being told (presumably by a doctor) that I had only three years to live. My response was a surprise to the person who imparted this news in my dream. "Three years?!" Three years was perfect!!

Three years would give me ample time to "clean house" and prepare. I would have lots of time to spend with family, friends, gatherings and re-unioning (obviously I was not concerned with COVID-19 within my dream state). I only had to concern myself with three more years of financially supporting myself?! 

Everything felt so attainable. Three years was perfect!!

I forgot about that dream until I started writing this morning. It is impossible to know what three years will bring. The ground beneath my feet feels uncertain at the moment. Kind of like I'm walking in quicksand and ever fearful of being pulled under.

Three years.

Why don't I "clean house" figuratively and literally? Not in one weekend. Just adopt a mindset of cleaning up the clutter within our home, my mind and my world in general.

Three years. 

My son should be close to completing his education and looking at the world beyond "home". My work world will have evolved into something different than today.  

Three years.

It is impossible to predict where things will be in three years. But what if a doctor told me I had three years to live. You can bet that I would spend those years wisely.

Why not spend my time wisely anyway?

Priority Lists

I seem to have a mental block against the idea of to-do-lists these days. The very wording "to do" feels demanding, unrelenting and bossy. I have decided to call my list a "priority list".

I did not write such a list this weekend. But I did what was important, spur of the moment and time sensitive.

I had priorities. I simply didn't write them down, thus I could not cross them off a list.

I had telephone conversations that mattered with people I care about and that time was wisely invested. Check!

I hosted some choose-your-own gift shopping experiences and turned one of my most detested jobs (shopping) into an outing and a gift. There was a meal tossed into each gift experience. This has been my best gift-giving idea and I received a gift in return. All I had to do was issue the invitation and I received the gift of giving, conversing and a shared meal to boot. Check! Check! Check!!

I got together with a friend who is a spur-of-the-moment, if-it-works-for-you-and-it-works-for-me at the same kind of friend. After a few thwarted attempts, yesterday happened to work out for both of us. This was truly a gift to myself. Check!

I watched The Sound of Music in the middle of the day, so I could stay awake and savor the experience. That is all I did for three solid hours. I love the way that movie makes me feel and the memories it brings back. Watching a movie in the middle of the day is pure indulgence. It was wonderful. Another gift to myself.

Yes, I have a mental list of all the things I could have and should have done. I feel badly that I didn't cook, clean or tackle any of the many tasks I could have tended around here. I could have done any number of those tasks during the time it took to watch The Sound of Music. But I didn't. I could spend my energy shaming myself for another weekend of wasting my time. But I won't.

Instead, I shall make a priority list. I will do what is important first. Then I shall carry on with what is either next in line of importance or be willing to put it aside for that which time will not wait for.

Those conversations, experiences, visits and time to simply catch my breath are CPR for my soul. Chores can wait. Life can't.

My Repetitive Life is Full of Lessons I Already Know

In this cyclical, repetitive life I lead I seem to find my own answers hidden within the content of this blog space. I reread these words I wrote five years ago and they speak to me where I am at right now. Need I say more?

TUESDAY, MARCH 11, 2014

Famous Last Words

"My calendar is pretty empty. I know I must get milk sometime within the next five days or so but that is about the extent of my social calendar. Oh, and I must donate blood the week after that. Busy month for me!"

Those are the words that I typed when I replied to my cousin's email at 6:52 on Saturday evening. Less than 48 hours later, I seem to have my week booked up. How in the world did this happen?

For one thing, it is simply because I am saying "YES" to life. Saying yes is better than the year I started saying no. Saying no took away the pleasure-factor immensely. But I believe that "NO" was where I needed to be to have the energy to push myself those very hard days.

Saying "YES" invigorates and depletes at the same time. I know that I have a high-need-for-solitude so I need to offset my yeses with equal time just-for-me.

Saying "NO" does exactly the same thing to me a lot of the time. The weekends where I cocoon myself from the world and do little more than nurture myself fill me up but they also deplete me of that spark that I feel when I am in the thick of living-a-full-and-balanced-life.

Therein lies the key. Balance. Perhaps that is why I have fallen into the 'party planner' role lately.

As The Planner, I get to pick and choose what I want to do and when I want to do it. I could not have started-what-I-started-last-week a year ago, two years ago or any-number-of-years-ago because I simply didn't have anything in me to give. I was empty and trying very hard to fill myself up.

When you are running on empty it is hard to run a marathon. When you look at the long road ahead of you and you cannot even see the end goal it is hard to focus on endurance. It is simply all about getting to the next filling station and hotel.

The important thing is to keep taking those forward steps. Even when they don't seem to be making a difference. They are. Even the time spent filling up and resting are giving you what you need to make it to the next step along the way. If you could live your life backwards you would know that each and every pit stop was essential.

Small, forward steps, rest stops, keeping hydrated and enjoying the journey are what it's all about.

It takes time to prepare and train for the marathons of life. We can't be running at top speed all of the time. It's hard on the body, mind and soul. Focus on endurance. There may be times when you need to sprint but you simply cannot keep up that pace all of the time.

Yes verses no. Run verses walk. Rest verses replenish. Balance.

I love my little life-as-I-know-it. The life where running out for milk and donating blood are the driving force of a week. It gives me time to say "YES! ... I will take in a dance class" and "YES! I am home and we will have a good visit while you are here" and "YES! I can do that for you" and "YES! Let's plan an adventure".

My calendar is still pretty empty. I like it that way. It gives me room to juggle priorities and put what needs to be nourished at the top of the pile.

But my empty calendar sure feels full...

It'll Just Have to Do

As I prepared for a little getaway with my mom, I thought my to-do-list wasn't all that big. "No big deal" is what I thought a few weeks ago. I'll pack my bags, pick up and go. Just like Mom. Easy peasy.

Except first of all, I had to drive out to Mom's. So I would have to check the fluid levels, fill up the car and (oh ya) maybe I should replace that windshield wiper that seemed like it was falling off the last time it rained.

No biggy. I should be doing these things anyway.

Then I ended up booking our New Cat's neuter surgery for while I was away. I could have easily changed it, only my son told me he had no problem with taking our cat in for this surgery in my absence.

It should have been just that simple. Only I wanted to ensure everything was in order before I left. So I called the vet's office and faxed the paperwork they required, only to find out that he needed one more shot and he needed a more thorough deworming before his surgery.

That entailed one (more) trip to the vet and while I was there, I prepaid them for his surgery. So now it would be as easy as dropping him off and picking him up.

Then there were the little things. Like ensuring Mom had "government issued photo ID" and that she knew about the limitations on packing liquids and gels in her carry-on luggage. Then maybe we should take some Gravol along with us (since both of us are prone to car sickness), so I asked her for all of the medications she took (which is good to have on hand anyway) so I could check with a pharmacist to ensure there would be no adverse reactions to taking Gravol with the medication she is on.

Then I thought of leaving my Youngest Son on his own. I should be a good mom and ensure he has some easy-to-microwave suppers ready for him. Long story short? He may eat better while I'm away, than he does when I'm here. Not to mention the fact that we had three good meals in a row prior to my leaving. This whole "cooking business" is just not my cup of tea and takes an extraordinary amount of energy for me to accomplish.

The lawn had to be mowed anyway, so I strategically timed it with a good time to wash my hair one last time before we left. I thought I may as well vacuum the basement while I was feeling so sweaty. It is a sad state of affairs when one has to add "shower" to their to-do-list-before-I-go. It is what it is.

Then came the date of departure. It should have been as easy as tossing a few items into a suitcase and zipping it closed.

Except I found myself with a nice little to-do-list. Print our boarding passes; contact our B & B to ensure they knew we wanted to check in early (since they did not reply to either the email I sent two days prior, nor the phone message I left one day prior). Sure enough, when I called the person answering the phone acted as if all this was brand new news to her [insert a feeling of skepticism about the customer service here]. Leave contact phone numbers of where we will be while I'm gone for my son (what if I lost my cell phone??).

Oh ya, and then there was the group email I forwarded for our reunion committee and dealing with a few of the responses after sending that off. And columns. And banking. And ensuring my son had a list of people who he could contact in case of emergency.

Then, I worried about packing. Which meant washing everything in sight, washing my sheets and basically turning a little job into a big one.

I just happened to have to take care of five little people, under the age of four while I was doing "some of the above" and one of my daycare parents looked at me with compassion and understanding and said, "... and if you are like me, you like to leave your house all clean too."

I told her I used to be like that. Whenever I left the city, I cleaned the house like it was the last time I may clean it because "What if I died while I was away?"

Well? I have evolved.

I told this mom that if I died while I was gone, I hoped anyone looking through my belongings after-the-fact would be proud of me and say, "She sure had her priorities straight. She didn't waste her time here on earth cleaning!"

I am writing this before I leave and scheduling it to be published by the time I return home. The reason I do this is because I want to leave a message to any of my survivors, if I do not make it back.

"Please be happy for the time I did NOT spend cleaning. My personal and financial effects are easy to recognize and other than that? Please take that "accidental death benefit" they have in place when you buy a plane ticket with your credit card, and spend it on hiring someone to pack up the house, clean it up and please don't judge me. I did what I could while I was here and housecleaning just fell to the bottom of my to-do-list."

I could be wrong, but it is what it is. It'll just have to do.