A New Day Dawning

"You are exactly where you need to be" 

Wise words that are not my own, but words I fall back on often.

I have been listening to a lot of podcasts lately. My podcast feed is fed by my interests and most of what I hear feels like it was meant just for me on a given day. What surprises me, is when I end up listening to something I've already heard and I hear a brand new message the second time around.

"Laziness does not exist" 

Devon Price says on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast.

Interesting. When your body shuts down and you cannot do more than sit on the couch and watch TV, that is okay. Hmmm? 

I have had numerous people within my enabling circle of family and friends tell me this. I tend not to believe them because they really have no idea just how LITTLE I do when I say I have literally done nothing for the entirety of a weekend. But wait just a second. When I do nothing, I am still. I am listening. I am absorbing little nuggets of information I may or may not remember. I may spend an afternoon playing Freecell on the computer. But I am listening to podcasts the entirety of that time.

In the time I feel as if I am sleepwalking through the hours, the neurons in my brain are firing. I could be more productive. I will be more productive. I am thinking. I am learning. I am expanding my ideas. I am listening to other points of view. 

The myriad of podcasts I've listened to have motivated me to reserve and borrow books from the library written by those interviewed. I am reading again!

My interests are expanding outside of my own small little vantage point within the universe. I hear nuggets of information I have heard replayed in the world outside my head. I am literate in life beyond my own.

I will be attending an event where I will be among people I saw four and a half years ago. I was running on a tank so empty that when politely asked what I was going on in my life, I honestly answered, "Nothing". Period. End of story. A kind soul listening in answered for me and within that response, was what I used to do. I didn't do that anymore. 

I felt defeated. Small. I wanted to fade into the scenery. Who was I when all I could be defined by was a version of who I used to be?

I will see these people again. The conversation will be completely different. We will be at a memorial honoring two people within that small grouping who are no longer here. The focus will be outward but I feel more grounded. I am becoming more of the person I used to be, with a dash of growth and perspective added.

"Listen to dread. It is such an important direction. There is something not right about the situation."

I had been waking up physically, emotionally and spiritually filled with dread for quite some time four and a half years ago. I cried on my way to work. I could feel it in my heart, my soul and my bones. 

The sensation was mixed with grief at first. I had been feeling this way before Mom died. Running out to see her was running away from the angst I felt at my job. Mom listened while I talked. What I remember most about our last mother-daughter-life-as-we-remembered-it supper together was her asking me "What is your ten year plan? You do know your "bread and butter" [income sources] are both over the age of 80, don't you?"

I didn't make ten years. Mom knew my answer before she died. I pushed through six years before I gave a year's notice to leave the work that was killing me softly. I woke up dreading the day. I didn't act upon it. I can still feel the way I felt driving to work those days.

How old do you feel?

A question Julia Louis-Dreyfus asks every guest on her "Wiser Than Me" podcast.

My answer never changes when I hear her question. I feel the age of whoever is in my presence.

I have started two new jobs recently. I may be the oldest in the office but I am surrounded by people younger than me. I envelope whatever age they may be and feel at home in their company. I remember feeling the same way when I ran my daycare. I was of a grand-mothering age and could have easily been most of my parents' mothers. We had young children in common and I felt like a fellow-warrior in this parenting role. Then I started working with those who were over the age of eighty.

I'll leave that thought alone.

There are many who are older than those I worked with and they are life affirming and young in spirit. But those I was keeping company with were in a state of decline. It took all I had and perhaps a little bit more.

Mom's words of wisdom were "You need to be around youth". She clarified she was not talking of my daycare crowd. The full time responsibility of fifty hours a week tending pre-schoolers was a little too excessive. At least for me.

I abandoned my daycare career at Mom's urging and can now thoroughly enjoy those exuberant, youthful little people. There is little that brings more joy than listening to contended children at play. I can even appreciate a crying child who is not dependent upon me. 

Everything in moderation. 

I feel a sense of balance being restored within myself and the life I am living. Life is bubbling up inside of me once again. I am feeling the energy of surrounding myself with the energy of those who are regenerating little pieces of myself that were lost to me for a while.

It is a brand new day. How we spend it is entirely up to us. No guilt. No expectations. Just do what you are capable of doing. 

"This" Close

I despise my writing when I'm in count-down mode. My head is all about what needs to be done, how I will do it, when I will fit it all in and how long can I put off the inevitable. I work best under pressure but creating my own pressure cooker is my own doing. I have no one to blame but myself.

I have three days to complete April's to-do-list but it is my goal to tie up all loose ends tomorrow, so I have the weekend to do as I please.

What pleases me? Oh, so much!!

I have borrowed Michelle Obama's book "The Light We Carry" from the library. I started reading it last weekend and it is my kind of story telling. Easy to read, thought provoking and a person wants to turn the page in anticipation of more of the same. I had to close the book last weekend, but I'll be back!

Add to that, the Oprah's interview with Michelle Obama newly released on Netflix. That is cued up and ready to view. All I need want to go with that is a bowl of popcorn. I can't wait!

Then I really hit the library jackpot when I woke up yesterday to find my hold for Prince Harry's audio book "Spare" was available. I started listening immediately. I love listening to Harry speak of his life in a way only he can do. I am not quite two hours in, to sixteen hours of Harry's story. I am looking forward to the quiet space required to simply ... listen.

Our weather has finally broken. Snow is melted, temperatures are starting to climb and the great outdoors is calling. I can putter, I can sit on the deck with a cup of coffee and read, I can walk without dodging snow, ice and puddles and I could probably wash a window or ten. Possibilities are endless!!

I've cooked the past few weekends so I will plan easy meals and perhaps (if the month-end-budget allows) I may even splurge on the cheapest take-out option I can find. We'll see. Easy, tasty eating is on the horizon. I love it!

I am anticipating a weekend where all I have to do is open my eyes, get out of bed and go wherever the day takes me. No deadlines to meet, simply an agenda of fun and easy. It is time to celebrate enduring meeting another month of deadlines and obligations. 

I'm "this" close ...

TGIF

Thank goodness it's Thursday

I still have ONE more day to clear the slate for an easy, breezy weekend.

What do you hope to do to make way for that which brings you joy? May you find your way to being "this close" right along with me.

I Think I Needed That

I have a pretty good life over here in my corner of the woods. Sure, it is sprinkled with challenges, unknowns, frustrations and all the little things that make each day a little different than the one before. I have responsibilities and work expectations to tend. 

Basically, I have reason to get out of bed in the mornings. There are definitely mornings I don't want to wake up and face the music of the day. But I do. And I always feel better for putting hard things behind me. 

The manner in which I'm rolling with my responsibilities is exhausting. I'm placing the onus on myself because how I react to life is my choice, my responsibility and I am the one who must live with choices I make and how I choose to act and react.

That said, it was absolutely lovely to have a long weekend.

A day to veg out on the couch. A day of productivity. A day of leaving the city, meeting up with a friend and making it home early enough to enjoy the evening. Balance.

Balance is what it is all about. Too much work without the balance of rest, relaxation, enjoyment and light moments is not enough. Too much solitude without the balance of interaction with humankind is not enough. Too much busy-ness without a chance to kick back and feel good about the accomplishments of the day is not enough. Too much idle time without the balance of the feeling one gets by doing something hard (the definition of "hard" changes by the day - some days getting out of bed or getting dressed is the hardest thing - be gentle with yourself). Too much of anything is just ... too much. 

I wish you just the right amount of easy and hard things today. I wish you a ray of sunshine and a glimpse of joy. If you find laughter within your day that is the best gift of all. 

I hope you get what you need today.

Equation for Groundedness

What is the equation to finding one's personal sense of status quo? That place where one feels simply "okay" with life as they know it. Not a place of "happy". Simply that sweet spot where one feels grounded enough to go with the natural ebbs and flows of life.

Depression and mental health are often talked about subjects. Open conversation and education has made a vast difference in helping the general population recognize symptoms of heart failure, stroke, cancer and numerous physical ailments and saved an untold amount of lives. Mental health is at the forefront of what I see, read and hear a lot these days. For a person in crisis to know they are not alone and there are resources to help out is very likely saving just as many lives. 

I can only write from my personal experience with what I have deemed a "borderline depressive personality". I dip from highs and lows but live most days in that happy medium of mediocracy - good enough. At different ages and stages of life, my highs were higher and my lows were lower. I have gone from living in the sharp peaks and valleys of the mountains to a hilly existence. 

I appreciate the contrasts I live with. Feeling good feels great after a period of wading through the doldrums. Recently, I was quietly thinking that I missed feeling happy. That temporary euphoric state where one feels bubbly, smiley and good inside. Then I woke up one morning feeling just plain happy. It was a wonderful thing. Within twelve hours of feeling a low-key state of "happy", I felt an equal and opposite flip of moods. It wasn't awful. It was normal. It was as if I was was on the tail end of an adrenaline rush. Poof! Gone. Back to my status quo which felt a little lower than usual due to the variance. 

I talked myself down and through the plateau: "It's okay. This too, shall pass. Going from full on "full" to "back to normal" in a twelve hour period will do this. It is just a temporary adjustment and you will self correct."

What is the formula that has evolved over the course of time? At one time I may have felt like I was free-falling without a net. Experience, recognition of being here before, faith that the moment would pass and differing hormonal levels may all come into play. But essentially, what is MY contentment equation?

#1 - it is "contentment" I seek. Not happiness. Contentment is the level playing field where a temporary state of either happiness OR unhappiness can evolve.

#2 - contentment is actually secondary. Safety, having one's physical and financial needs taken care of, a state of physical health that is not worrisome is first and foremost. 

#3 - a sense of belonging is a fundamental need. Being and feeling like you are a part of community within family, friends, work/school/and any number of other social relationships is vital to the human existence

#4 - routine, a schedule, a need to be accountable. As much as we may long for a commitment-free life, is that what is best for us? I know I thrive on routine, comfortable little ruts that get me through the obligations of a day. As much as I long for a day off of all of the above, I never feel quite as good when I let a day slip through my fingers without doing more than turning on the TV.

#5 - nourishment and sleep. Food, water and sleep are essential to life. Good-for-you-food is best though perhaps one of the hardest things to reach for when I'm on a downward slide. A good night's sleep is elusive to many so I know I'm one of the lucky ones who can do nothing but sleep when life feels hard. Finding and being able to maintain the Goldilocks Zone of just the right amount of sleep is golden.

#6 - a sense of balance between all of my needs. Too much of anything is not a good thing for me no matter if it is too much work, too much free time, too much socializing, not enough socializing. I find there is a state of okay-ness if I have a good, healthy balance of work; leisure; solitude; people; new experiences; savoring the tried and true and the list goes on.

Balancing the demands of life can feel hard. I often wonder where I would be right now if my needs hadn't been secondary to providing for my children. Earning a living, creating and maintaining a home and living with those dependent on me has pushed me to be who I am and where I was meant to be. The need to be needed is a part of the belonging part of the following equation:

Safety/security + Belonging + Routine + Nourishment + Balance (of all of the above) = Feeling Grounded

Feeling Grounded = Contentment (a very good place to be)

I Miss Me

Waking up to a weekend full of so many thoughts, feelings, ideas and wishes has reminded me of how much I miss "me".

My introvert personality tendencies have me revelling in and losing myself in the COVID world of social distancing and isolation. The Coronavirus is enabling my natural inborn desires which is both wonderful and awful at the same time.

Add working-from-home plus my inclination to catch up on every little single thing I'm working on to this equation and I created a Math Zombie Personality (which is not my best self).

Long ago, I recognized my need for the law and order of a numbers related world to be counteracted with socialization, words, communication and enough quiet to hear myself think.

Decades of working in the banking industry fulfilled most of those needs. The ability to balance to zero was counteracted with the need to provide good customer service. My ability to listen, communicate, act and react in accordance with whoever was in front of me was a very good fit for me. 

My years of daycaring were offset with working at a bank on Saturdays, followed by a part-time bookkeeping job which became full-time. Full-time bookkeeping (all numbers) didn't fulfill my needs and eventually morphed into working as a part-time secretary (all people and words) within the school system. This catapulted me back into my daycaring/bookkeeping role where I was back in a place which was a relatively balanced equation of people, numbers, creativity and writing.

I fell out of balance a week ago when I immersed myself in work. 

I stopped thinking, processing and reflecting life-as-I-know-it. I had nothing to say, no time to say it, no one to say it to and putting this lack of nothingness into the form of a blog post was the end result. 

I took a day off yesterday. Words, thoughts, feelings and the desire to interact with friends and family came to the forefront of my mind again.

I woke up this morning feeling fresh, renewed, revitalized and ready to take on more than numbers.

I felt all these feelings and the sensation of "joy" started oozing out of my pores. I gave myself a mental hug and thought to myself, "I miss ME".

I'm going to indulge myself with whatever the day brings. I cannot wait to see what unfolds today as I create a whimsical day to just be "me". I've missed this ...

Yesterday

I had barely written the words: "The windows are dirty, the edging around the lawn could be done, there are weeds to pick, cat hair to vacuum" yesterday morning, when my Youngest Son woke up and took half the chores off my to-do-list, creating the time, motivation and energy to do some of the hard things I have been putting off.

I sweated. I got dirty. I was outside for hours on end. I physically worked. And it was good.

I achieved exactly what I hoped for at the end of my words yesterday. I cleared the slate for the onset of a weekend. 

Thoughts other than math equations, balancing and accounting wafted in and out of my mind. It felt a little bit wonderful to work outside my home office. I will definitely do this more often.

Life is all about balance. I need to balance the numbers with words, the words with thoughts, the thoughts with new input. I woke up this morning with a very good yesterday behind me. I am so ready for a Saturday. 

To be continued.

You Do Get What You Need

Two down, two to go. The day I stop counting down days until the weekend will be the day I know I have arrived to the elusive destination which feels far beyond my reach.

I realize when one dream is realized it often means the end of the line for another piece of life which has sustained a person until the next plateau.

To reach the point where weekends are not my life line and do not define me, will I be searching for purpose? Companionship? Financial security? What sacrifices will be made to get from "here" to "there"?

What will I lose along the way? What can I do to create the next place I am headed?

My answers lie in gratitude and connection.

I will appreciate what I have while I have it. Life as I know it is not ideal but it is manageable. I believe I must fill myself up with generous doses of sleep, solitude, fulfillment, family, friends and activity to offset the challenging aspects of my days. Balance is key. I cannot exist on work or leisure alone. It is simply that at this stage of living, I do not want my work to define me.

When I am dead and gone, I don't want people to say "She sure was a good worker". I hope instead, they will say some version of "She lived a good life" ... "She was a good friend" ... "She did her best and her best was enough" ... "I am grateful our paths crossed" ...

I am grateful for what I have. I know things could change in a New York minute. I look around me, listen to the people I know and I know I am living a charmed life.

Getting up is hard. But I CAN get up. I jump out of bed and head towards a day which is predictable, safe and provides me with exactly what I need. As I believe my sister was quoted as saying, "You don't always get what you want ... but you do get what you need."

Unexpected Gifts

The weekend is past news. Today is Monday. There is no way to go but forward. Despite the fact I wish the weekend could go on forever, "forward" is a good thing.

I adore weekends. I tentatively map out my hope for what may transpire but for the most part, I simply sit back and let them happen.

Saturday was a quiet day at home. I don't believe I had to speak (much). It was a quiet, reflective day of reading. No, I didn't manage to make it into "Mom's room" to start sorting through the memorabilia that lies within the huge, blue Rubbermaid storage container. Oh well. I read. And it was good.

Sunday was a social day. Mostly at home but I pried myself out of the house to go to a new(er) restaurant near our neighborhood and it was worth the trip. I'll be back!

I had words in me by Sunday. I had energy within. I was felt "full" of everything I needed to make the most of the company I kept.

Books. Popcorn. A small dose of chocolate. Quiet. People. No pressure. No guilt. Not a whole heck of a lot was accomplished. But still ... no guilt.

It was the perfect combination of everything I enjoy. I filled myself up with what I needed most. I took advantage of whatever opportunities arose. Unexpected company was the best gift of all.

The most unexpected gift of the weekend? A pillow. Delivered right to my door. Tried, true and recommended. I have only slept on it one night but I do believe Cinderella has found her one true love - a pillow that conforms to support her neck while remaining soft enough to sleep on.

Thank you, Pillow Gods!! A perfect weekend which I dreamt of as I laid my weary head upon my heavenly pillow.

Life is good.

Balancing to Zero

I wiped our white board clean yesterday. Ever since I got the great idea of  maintaining our house's exterior this spring, there has been (what has felt like) an eternal list of people coming and going to tend to our home's needs. As of yesterday, we are DONE.

One quiet Monday in April (April 29th to be exact), I started making inquiries. Sixteen weeks later, it is done. Over. Complete.

There is nothing that pleases me more than to clean off the eternal to-do-list on that white board. Now I can fill it up with the fun stuff which awaits.

Other than donating blood in four days, my list now includes: a play; a few weekend retreats at my son's farm; a sibling trip; an out of town writing workshop; an out of province birthday celebration; and yet another play. Each one of these events is sprinkled generously with a good balance of friends, solitude, family, creativity and celebration.

As much as I know I will enjoy each and every one of these occasions, there is still a part of me that is looking forward to "wiping the slate clean" again.

I have over extended my spending allowance. As good as it felt to wipe our white board clean, I am more anxious to pay off each and every one of these expenditures and bring the amount owing to zero.

Now I just have to wipe my debt clean and I can start all over again.

It's all about "balancing to zero". I guess I was destined to work with numbers. They rule my life.

What is your balancing point? I believe we all have something that drives us and pushes us into and through our lives. I truly believe life is all about checks and balances. Keeping the work to play; the socializing to solitude; and all other factors in life in balance keeps one walking a straight line. Too much of any one thing is not ideal.

May you find what brings your life into balance. If not today, some day soon ...

The Goldilocks Zone

The party is over and now is time to deal with the excess.

Step one of dealing with the excess food was pretty easy. I issued supper invitations which were clearly labelled "left-overs" so no one came expecting more than was offered. That part was actually quite fun.

Excess exhaustion? That was pretty easy to deal with as well. I parked myself on the lawn swing with a few magazines and a Smirnoff Ice. In no time at all, I was 100% relaxed. The next thing I knew, I was waking up. Part Two was falling into a deep, deep slumber the moment my head hit the pillow last night. It was a sleep-through-a-ringing-phone kind of tired.

Excessive cat hair which amassed while house cleaning got put to the bottom of the list was dealt with before I sat down last night. "You don't want to deal with this in the morning" was my sage advise to myself. I was right.

Excessive spending spiralled out of control when an unexpected car repair got tossed into the mix. My head is spinning with the dollars that have been amassing on my credit card(s). Houston, I think we have a problem.

Excessive thinking? I think my brain finally turned off last night. It felt good to have a thoughtless slumber.

Excessive after-hours-chores? That is a little something I need to incorporate into my daily living. Within reason. I have accomplished a lot around here since our house painters finished their work two weeks ago. There is no reason I can't keep the momentum going. None.

Too much of any one thing is not good. Moderate amounts of all of the above is fine. Groceries, spending, housecleaning, work, worry and leisure. It is all about finding the balance where everything feels in alignment. The Goldilocks Zone. 

Doing the Hard Things (the easy way)

A lot of invitations have been forthcoming recently. Each and every one of them have been "easy yeses". I'm going with the flow and the flow is taking me down a diverse and interesting path.

I'm shaking in my boots just a little bit as I type. I am a girl who loves uncommitted calendar pages and the pages are filling up fast. As I scan four months into my future, I foresee only six free weekends. The positive side to this scenario is that there are only three out-of-city events. I can do this. I CAN.

Some weekends revolve around preparations for painting (which are 95% complete and I do/have done very little, if any of it myself); staining the deck; one-day commitments; live theatre events; a writing workshop; a handful of family-filled-fun occasions, sprinkled generously with friends.

It is a very balanced itinerary. Work interspersed with fun, friendship, family and free time. You can see by the coincidental alliteration of all the "F" parts of the equation, the one part that is not like the others - "work". But work is essential to all that follows.

I have postponed my summer vacation in lieu of a fall one.

My summer vacation plans consisted of sitting still and staring at the house. Something I can work into those completely free days I can foresee in the upcoming months.

My fall vacation plans are new and interesting, mixed in with the known and familiar.

Balance. Life works best when everything falls into a good mixture of everything that sustains us. We need to work as much as we need to play. We (I) do best with enough down time to offset the busy time.

Health, happiness, family, friends, work and leisure. Hopefully this all ends with a balanced budget as well.

I'm waking up and doing hard things (making commitments) before I head into my days. It has been surprisingly easy. One step at a time. The months ahead are bound to be filled with new perspective, thoughts and ideas.

The Need For Sleep

If I want to get up early (and I DO!), I must sacrifice my evenings (no problem!!) and go to bed early. Early to bed, early to rise should work but why is it that I never seem to have enough time in the morning?

This week, I have been up with the birds. Yet not one of my mornings have been long enough to do all I hope to do before I must leave the house.

I fall down into Internet rabbit holes and get lost. This morning's trek was fun and interesting. I can't go forward until a few vital pieces fall into place but if they do ... I have some planning to do!

I love when a suggestion aligns with life-as-I-know-it. When dates, locations, events and timing all correlates into an easy "yes", I am all in.

This little adventure involves revising my holidays. Holidays which I planned to revolve around sitting still and gazing at our newly painted and renovated home. I was very much looking forward to it.

Fast forward a few months and there are several occasions which all align in a perfect row. A fun and inspirational weekend with a friend followed by a family oriented birthday occasion and ending with an appointment which requires a day off equals a perfectly balanced week (eleven days to be exact).

I live in a world where a lot of my wishes (requests) are granted, so this may happen. Did I have my mind set on a week off in the summer? Yes. I booked off some days I thought would work for those who employ me and I was simply looking forward to following wherever those days may lead.

Here is to hoping a few wishes come true today so I can move forward with the next stage of planning.

There went this morning.

A morning where I hoped to squeeze in a few tasks for my day job before I left the house and formally started my day. Maybe I can squeeze in one little task if I stop writing right now.

I now see why people stay up late. You can extend a day so much easier than squeeze in a bunch of things before a work day begins. I work better under pressure. I am a morning person. I love my sleep.

I shall keep my early mornings. I believe my physical and mental health rely on it. Sleeping is my #1 way of taking care of "me". 

I am grateful sleep comes easy for me. I know this is not the case for many. What is your #1 way of taking care of yourself? Are you filling yourself up with what YOU need?

On a plane, they remind you to grab your oxygen mask before helping your child. You can't save anyone else if you are not breathing.

Grab your oxygen mask in whatever form it is for you. It is not only for you but it is for those who matter to you. Be kind to yourself today.

A Perfectly Diverse Weekend

I am on the other end of a very committed weekend. I did it! I not only survived. I thrived. At times.

Friday was fuelled with family and friendship. Light and easy moments prevailed and it was a most excellent day.

Even the best of days are seasoned with reality. A leak under the kitchen sink. A "check engine" light on the car as we neared our destination. Blinking check engine lights = trouble. Solid is okay. My light is solid and unwavering in its determination to keep lighting up with each start. A trip to our neighborhood mechanic may be in the future. I am still hoping the light turns off by itself.

Saturday was hard.

The good news is I was home by 6:00 and in bed before 8:30. The best way to end a tough day (for me) is going to bed before the sun. That moment of consciousness before I slipped off into a deep slumber was the best.

Even tough days have good moments.

Sunday started off hard. I did ONE hard thing which led to a trail of other tasks. Before I knew it, I had supper for six prepared and ready to go before we headed off to a matinee theatre performance.

The play was great. The company was better. The background noise of Sunday was light and easy chatter, sprinkled generously with laughter, with a side order of food and beverage. Perfection!

It was a perfectly diverse, interesting and occupied weekend. Everything unfolded easily as one thing led to the next and the next then the next.

I slept in my own bed. I awoke to the comforts of being home. Routines were not ruffled. Weather was ideal. I went into the weekend feeling well rested and simply "well". I have come out the other end of the weekend feeling just as rested and predictably "well".

When we fall asleep and wake up to life-as-we-know it in a regular, predictable fashion living a committed life is a pretty fine way to spend the days.

Here I Go Again - Part II (an unintended sequel)

I love the questions my aunt asks me. She often asks me the same question multiple times so I have the chance to mull over and revise my answers.

My aunt is convinced I should have been a teacher. While that profession has its merits, I'm not entirely sure it would have been a good fit for me. I know who I was, how I managed my daycare family and how often I fell short of my own expectations as a daycare provider. I know how I felt when I worked within the offices of the school system. I don't regret not becoming a teacher. Teachers have my respect and admiration for the work they do but I don't believe I could have become the teacher I would have wanted to be.

If I had chosen a career path to follow directly out of high school, I have a strong feeling I would have become an accountant. I'm a number person and derive great satisfaction from the perfection one can attain in the numbers field. That very quality is almost bringing me to my knees at the moment. I am so very grateful I didn't become an accountant.

I have always aimed for 100% whenever possible. This quality made me the perfect candidate for the career path I fell into. I worked in the banking industry for 20 years. It was a good run. It was a good mix of human interaction and numbers. I gained a lot of satisfaction from the job I did, simply by treating people the way I would want to be treated and "balancing to zero" at the end of the day.

Good things often seem to morph into not-quite-as-good as time goes on. As long as the focus was on excellent customer service, attention to detail, the ability to work on my own and as part of the whole, I was in my element. It was when sales targets, marketing goals, referrals and always striving to bring in more new money superseded what I liked about the job, when my desire to look elsewhere for a pay cheque took over.

It was in and around this time when my focus became "family" and I opened my daycare.

My daycare days were subsidized by working at the bank on Saturdays, followed by taking on a bookkeeping job I could squeeze into my work week. There were several tweeks and adjustments to this mixture of income sources but there always seemed to be a mixture of numbers plus human interaction which turned out to be a very good balance of what I did best. Add a little writing into that formula and life was pretty good.

Numbers plus people plus creativity plus family and friends defines "contentment" for me. The balance of this mixture has ebbed and flowed over the course of time. I'm struggling with that very balance right now.

Ten hour daycare days were long and hard. 7:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. were my hours. But I was at home, I started early and my work day was done by supper time. It was hard but it was manageable. I could have a life after supper if I so chose.

I still have ten hour days. I leave the house at 9:15 and (if I don't have any pit stops to make on my way home) I am home by 7:15. Supper has gone the way of the dinosaurs around here. I come home and I am spent. Trying to hold up my end of the conversation after a day away from home is akin to drunk driving.

I am spent. I feel mentally impaired. I'm good for nothing at the end of my day.

My balance is out of whack. I cannot find my footing in my numbers job. I am mentally fatigued by the conversations I have throughout my day. Attempting to have a social life is a chore. I am grateful for a family who knows me well and has adapted to life as I am living it.

Our home is my oasis, my source of comfort and strength. I know very little right now but I do know I want to find a way to make our home work for me again. I look at our freshly renovated main floor, recognize my weaknesses in the area of tolerance and I know re-opening my daycare is not an option. I do know I want to earn a living from home.

I've been here before.

I was some version of "here" when I decided to take a leave of absence from a stable and secure job with benefits to open my daycare.

I felt this way before I decided to go back to school for a year after 11 years of daycaring, so I could pursue a job in the bookkeeping field.

When rerouting my career didn't work (after several failed attempts at jobs that robbed me of my confidence and belief that I was capable of working outside my home), I was another crucial fork in the road. I reopened my daycare.

I was at a breaking point before I closed my daycare for the second time. What I really wanted to do was move out to Mom's, leave all my jobs behind me and take on something familiar and part time.

I'm back to where I was. Retirement has never sounded so good. I'm tired. I'm broken. I'm empty.

Life is generous enough to keep out doling lessons, long after my desire to learn them is gone. As I wrote in yesterday's post, here I go again.

My Repetitive Life is Full of Lessons I Already Know

In this cyclical, repetitive life I lead I seem to find my own answers hidden within the content of this blog space. I reread these words I wrote five years ago and they speak to me where I am at right now. Need I say more?

TUESDAY, MARCH 11, 2014

Famous Last Words

"My calendar is pretty empty. I know I must get milk sometime within the next five days or so but that is about the extent of my social calendar. Oh, and I must donate blood the week after that. Busy month for me!"

Those are the words that I typed when I replied to my cousin's email at 6:52 on Saturday evening. Less than 48 hours later, I seem to have my week booked up. How in the world did this happen?

For one thing, it is simply because I am saying "YES" to life. Saying yes is better than the year I started saying no. Saying no took away the pleasure-factor immensely. But I believe that "NO" was where I needed to be to have the energy to push myself those very hard days.

Saying "YES" invigorates and depletes at the same time. I know that I have a high-need-for-solitude so I need to offset my yeses with equal time just-for-me.

Saying "NO" does exactly the same thing to me a lot of the time. The weekends where I cocoon myself from the world and do little more than nurture myself fill me up but they also deplete me of that spark that I feel when I am in the thick of living-a-full-and-balanced-life.

Therein lies the key. Balance. Perhaps that is why I have fallen into the 'party planner' role lately.

As The Planner, I get to pick and choose what I want to do and when I want to do it. I could not have started-what-I-started-last-week a year ago, two years ago or any-number-of-years-ago because I simply didn't have anything in me to give. I was empty and trying very hard to fill myself up.

When you are running on empty it is hard to run a marathon. When you look at the long road ahead of you and you cannot even see the end goal it is hard to focus on endurance. It is simply all about getting to the next filling station and hotel.

The important thing is to keep taking those forward steps. Even when they don't seem to be making a difference. They are. Even the time spent filling up and resting are giving you what you need to make it to the next step along the way. If you could live your life backwards you would know that each and every pit stop was essential.

Small, forward steps, rest stops, keeping hydrated and enjoying the journey are what it's all about.

It takes time to prepare and train for the marathons of life. We can't be running at top speed all of the time. It's hard on the body, mind and soul. Focus on endurance. There may be times when you need to sprint but you simply cannot keep up that pace all of the time.

Yes verses no. Run verses walk. Rest verses replenish. Balance.

I love my little life-as-I-know-it. The life where running out for milk and donating blood are the driving force of a week. It gives me time to say "YES! ... I will take in a dance class" and "YES! I am home and we will have a good visit while you are here" and "YES! I can do that for you" and "YES! Let's plan an adventure".

My calendar is still pretty empty. I like it that way. It gives me room to juggle priorities and put what needs to be nourished at the top of the pile.

But my empty calendar sure feels full...

Meandering Thoughts

Nothing too terribly deep or thought provoking has been tumbling through my mind this extra-long-weekend.

I have woken up to four glorious days of "I Get to Stay Home Today!!" and it has been completely and totally amazing. I love being home. I adore mornings when I awake to the knowledge I don't have to pry myself out the door. It has been nothing special but everything wonderful all wrapped up in one small package.

Yesterday, Jet (cat) & I woke up and watched Planet Earth together. This morning Ray (second cat, technically the First Cat) hopped off the bed, threw up on the floor, hopped back into his sleeping spot and continued to rest like nothing ever happened (yes, I need these gentle reminders to nudge me into remembering why I LOVE our laminate flooring). There is truly nothing like waking up to these two black kitties resting on opposite corners of our king size bed.

I issued several invitations into the world. Some worked, some didn't, some were delayed yeses, some resulted in a deep and meaningful telephone conversation instead and ALL of the invitations resulted in me cooking meals this weekend.

I don't do much when I stay home but I DO try to cook (or provide food in some capacity - sometimes it is frozen; other times it is ordered in). Some people may have done yard work and cleaned the garage. Me? I cooked. Twice. Plus, I barbequed hot dogs one night. I feel like a super hero.

I am coming out the end of four days off and I have little to show for it except for leftovers in the fridge. I have a calm and happy heart too. Does that count for anything?

Weekends such as these make me wonder what retirement may look and feel like in my small little world. On one hand, I would hate to create a life where I didn't fully appreciate these wonderful, glorious "small nothings" that mean so much to me. On the other, I totally want to create a world where these extra-long-weekends came about on a somewhat regular basis.

I am lucky enough to have some flexibility within my work world. Maybe I can recreate this four-day-weekend from time to time. Maybe I already have done this (I just checked my calendar to find I have created extra long weekends the past three months).

I do live a charmed life. My wishes are granted on a fairly regular basis. I hope I never get to greedy and hope for more than is attainable. This is a pretty good balance of work/play/family/down-time. I honestly don't believe I could hope for more.

Feeling Wordless

It was a restful weekend. Very laid back and enjoyable. Except I didn't accomplish anything worthy, thus I am slipping back into this new work week feeling rather unfulfilled. 😶

Yes, I finally took time to sit still with a book in our sunny renewed living room. But in order to stay awake to read it, I ate. I ate so much. Oh, my achin' stomach. 😧

Yes, I stayed home ALL weekend. My favorite kind of weekend is one where the car never leaves the garage. In staying home, I stayed inside and missed the spring weather which was literally right on our doorstep. 😔

The phone was quiet and I made precious little contact with the outside world. After months of busyness, dare I say I missed the hustle bustle. Just a bit. 😯

I vacuumed cat hair off the doors, walls, baseboards and floor. Enough said. 😼😒

I worked on income taxes. 😓

I cooked a few meals.😋

I fed a few family members who showed up unexpectedly on the doorstep. I felt a little bit like Mom when I did that. 😇

Be careful what you wish for. This is the weekend I've been waiting for all year. My wish came true. Now I find myself wishing for another weekend so I can accomplish all that I should have with this wasted weekend. 😫

Balance. It's all about the balance. Work, play, leisure, food, family and fun. There was not enough work, no play, too much food and leisure, a rather perfect dusting of family but not a lot of extra-curricular "fun". 😐

This weekend has left me uninspired and somewhat wordless. Thus, I have decorated this post with emojis. I have no words. Only thoughts. And emoji expressions.

It is time to create a week worthy of thoughts, words and heartfelt emotion. Happy Monday!!

Delicate Balance of Life and Living

Life is a balancing act. The components within said life are ever-changing and always evolving. The only thing one can count on in life (besides death and taxes), is change.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm not a big fan of change. But it keeps happening anyway. The secret is to maintain some balance within those times of flux.

There is a delicate balancing act required between work, play, self preservation, relationships, give/take, yin/yang and an infinite number of components one fits into a lifetime.

I'm at a rather enjoyable stage where I'm ready to fit "people" back into my days. It is not as easy as it sounds. At least not for me ...

I'm a morning person. By the time I get home each evening, I'm done. I've used all the tricks I've had up my sleeve to push through whatever the day brings.

The ebbs and flows of "life" keep things interesting. Pushing through challenges both exhaust and energize me. I just read a quote this morning that resonated within me:

"I've never met a strong person with an easy past." ~ Atticus 

Let me just say that I've had a week that has made me a stronger (and hopefully a little wiser) person. It was the kind of week where I should have worked five days but in my hope to add a little balance back into my work-oriented world, I made plans with a friend today. 

Today is a bonus day. I should be working. But since I'm not, I felt it was important to do something I never feel like I have the time to do. Friendship. It is an important component to the balance I'm seeking.

I am so blessed with the relationships I have within my friends, family and work world. They sustain me. Many these relationships are maintained through long distance means of communicating. Telephone, emails and texts keep me connected to those who are important to me in a manner in which I CAN sustain. It is the local variety of friendships which are suffering.

I've come a long way. I no longer crave solitude in the manner and quantity I needed before. But I do still love, love, love the way I feel when I am home. Alone within these walls of ours, reaching out to friends and family in a manner which I can do from the comfort of home, in my pajamas and "just the way I am".

I'm working to add a dimension to a balance which is working for me. Adding "socializing outside of my home" to this equation is hard. Thus, I created an opening for it during my regularly scheduled work week. And I feel just a tad guilty about that ...

Balance. It is a tricky concept. It is ever changing and evolving. But creating that balance that works for you within the here and now is life affirming. 

The need for this balance is most likely why I am still very stingy with my time outside of my work week. I'm doing well. I have been inviting people into our home on a regular basis since our renovation. It is a way to merge all that is important to me and keeps me feeling in balance. 

I am visualizing weigh scales in my mind as I write these words. Add a little too much on one side or the other and the balance is out of whack. I have been weighing heavy on the side of solitude for a long time. This was offset by the weight of the world on the other side of the scale.

The world is feeling a little lighter now. I'm ready to add a dose of socializing to my side of the scale. It's just a matter of how to fit this into what is already feeling pretty balanced and serene.

I will just keep inviting people into our home. That's all there is to it.

Taking a Math Break

There is a reason I never became an accountant or a full time "numbers" person. I am taking a break from math this morning. Maybe the whole day. I've had my fill for the moment.

I know why I am drawn to numbers. You are figuring out solvable problems. There are answers that are deemed right or wrong. I love balancing to zero. It is one of my favorite things.

But what I am discovering is that there are so many ways go come to the correct answer.

Appeasing all the rules of accounting, the taxation department, ensuring everything is reported correctly, consistently and adheres to all the cross checks and balances boggles my mind every now and again.

Then I rest.

The world of words and letters continues to beckon me. There are fewer rights or wrongs here. Yes, there is spelling, grammar, wording and proper decorum to guide me. But I am accountable only to myself. Perhaps this is the reason I prefer to write for pleasure rather than trying to please and appease an audience &/or editor.

I believe I have been drawn to fulfill my "calling" my whole life.

Originally, I was drawn to child care (starting out with dog care and graduating to children when I was old enough) because that was the only employment available to me before I turned sixteen. This not only provided an income but started honing my abilities to work with and for people.

Next, I worked the service industry (an ice cream kiosk, followed by Pizza Hut) where I experienced the cause and effect of good customer service.

I started working in the banking industry during my Pizza Hut years which helped me appreciate providing customer service while dealing with people's bank accounts was a far cry from dealing with someone who received the wrong pizza.

My banking career was often supplemented by weekend employment of a non-numbers nature. Eventually my full time focus turned to running a daycare, which was subsized by Saturday employment at a financial institution, which in turn was followed by working part time as a bookkeeper. In time, bookkeeping progressed to a full time commitment.

The evolution from bookkeeper to "substitute secretary" for the school board was the hardest transition of all. Rules which sounded black and white became every shade of gray, pink and blue under the sky. Not having a right/wrong; true/false; cross checked and balanced to zero answer was my undoing. A second job was a requirement. There was no regularity to my schedule and I had to make myself available seven days a week.

I felt like I was walking against the current throughout that entire year.

I literally came home again when I reopened my daycare which coincided perfectly with the offer of a weekend bookkeeping job. I was my own boss again. I was walking with the current, doing what I did best. I was back in my comfort zone child tending, self employment, writing for some papers and bookkeeping on the side.

Nothing ever stays the same.

I closed my daycare. My resignation from column writing came about during that same period. Life was shifting and changing under my feet. These were uncertain times but they have brought me today. And today, I am exactly where I am meant to be. For now.

I have two, part time jobs which equal "one". I am bookkeeper, hear me calculate! I am a care provider, feel me care. Either one of these jobs alone would be too much and not enough at the same time.

I believe we are all craving a sense of balance throughout our lives. Life is always evolving so there is always a sense of feeling the need to brace oneself for the inevitable change that is headed our way whether we plan for it or not.

As I look back, I can remember the feeling when my sense of balance was off. I made changes when and where necessary. When I was unable to change the circumstance I would endeavor to try to change my perspective and try to make the best of the situation at hand.

Of course none of this is as simple as it sounds. It is the places "in between" that are tough to figure out while you are in the trenches walking the walk. I am ever thankful for each and every time I find a safe place to land and assess the situation while I'm living it.

Today, I am simply taking a break from the accounting end of things. I am appreciating the view from the plateau I have reached. I cannot ignore the feeling that life-as-I-know-it could change in an instant. But now? Right now? I am just going to breathe deeply and inhale this moment.

Maybe I should do a little more than inhale the moment. The only calculator I am drawn to at the moment is a "calorie calculator" which has explained that my current rate of eating minus my current rate of under activity results in a 2 pound a week weight gain.

There is a mathematical explanation for almost anything. Sigh ... I knew I wanted to take a math holiday.

Best. Weekend. Ever!

"Balance" is everything when it comes to my happy factor. Filling myself up with a little work, play, soul fulfilling and family time during a weekend (or any given day) and life is pretty much perfect. And such was this past long weekend.

I had one good, productive day of bookkeeping. It filled the day, I picked up supper, came home and crashed on the couch. But it was good. My work there was done. I would wake up to two more days off to follow. Oh, what one can do with TWO days!

I started each weekend day filling up on all things Brené and Glennon. Brené Brown and Glennon Doyle Melton, unbeknownst to them, are two of my soul sisters. In my mind we are the best of friends. I love hanging out with them and lucky for me, they have teamed up and created an on-line course "The Wisdom of Story" on CourageWorks.com. It's great. I could listen to them all day. But I settled for an hour or so. I filled up my soul and carried on.

Sunday morning, I had coffee with a friend who lives five hours away. She was nestled up inside her world, I was snug and cozy in mine. We picked up the phone and chatted like the good friends we are. An hour and a half with the first sister I adopted of my own. We were "related" by marriage. The marriage didn't last but our sister-in-law relationship has transcended time, distance and several life transitions. I thoroughly enjoyed our coffee date.

Then came the work.

I spent the remainder of Sunday culling, sorting, photographing and marketing the excessive daycare wares within our home. I can't believe how long it is taking to get down to what I call a "bare minimum" which is still more than any one child could ever need in a home or daycare environment. I thought this past weekend would be it. I was pulling out the "dregs" of what I have left to sell. I was convinced I could put it all up for auction. I have 27 children's items up for sale this week. Since I was "clearing out" my children's merchandise, I started adding some items to another household auction. I put 11 more items up for sale there. Total bids as of 8:45 last night were $215.00. The auction ends tonight and judging by the activity on these auctions, I suspect there will be a last minute flurry of activity and my final sales will jump from last night's total. It is a time consuming little task but I have achieved my goal of selling $1000.00 worth of belongings within 6 weeks instead of my forecast of  15 to 16 weeks to reach that total.

It was another good day's work. In fact I seem to be making a game out of this purging and selling habit I've developed. I'm thinking maybe my next career could be hiring myself out to help people purge their excess, with a clause within the contract stating I could sell whatever I found marketable for my own profit. Food for thought ...

Then I woke up to Thanksgiving Day morning. My work here was done. I could put my feet up and relax. Which I did. All morning. All I had to do was tidy the house for company, run out and buy food to serve for supper, then throw it all together, call it a meal and enjoy my company for the evening.

Well! The thing about clearing out the excess is the energy and motivation that follows. I stepped out of my cozy little oasis and did "one small thing". I believe that thing was to open up the closet doors within the laundry room to see what progress I was making there, when I realized I should clean the air exchanger. Then change the furnace filter. Why not dust, sweep and vacuum the laundry room (please note, I have not YET used the term "clean") while I was right there?

Low and behold, I found one of the missing cat toys behind the deep freeze which sent me on a mission. I ran upstairs, pulled out the oven and found no more cat toys but I did find enough cat hair to warrant literally vacuuming my way out of the laundry room, up the stairs and in behind the oven. I don't even know if I had moved the oven back against the wall when I decided I may as well pull out the fridge too. I don't want to admit how long it has been since I've done that. I've thought long and hard about it a few times over the course of the past few years but actions did not follow (in my defence, I have invested in a yard stick for the purpose of retrieving lost cat toys from under the stove and fridge and it does a very decent job at clearing out the cat hair while I'm at it).

This was crazy. My supper guests were going to be arriving in two hours and I was still in my pajamas, hadn't bought groceries nor had a shower. I felt like Mr. Incredible as he races off to save the world a few or three times while he is trying to make it to the church in time to get married. "I still have time" he says in his deep, super hero voice as he catches a few more criminals and saves a cat that was stuck in a tree along his way.

And I still hadn't scoured the bathroom or shone up the kitchen. Yikes! I was losing the battle.

I was still peeling the last of the potatoes when my company arrived. Thankfully 90% of my meal was pre-cooked or came our of a box, bag or baked goods container. All I basically had to do was just add water" (or not), heat and stir.

Voila!! We sat down to a meal well cooked (thank you Co-op deli department!) and our small, cozy family Thanksgiving supper.

I was some kind of exhilarated after such a perfectly balanced weekend of work, play, friendship and family. I sat down at the tail end of a fulfilling weekend and just exhaled. It was good. It was so good.

And the good just keeps getting better! After my guests left, I found a text message from my cousin from Ontario. She obviously must have intended to send this message to someone else, but I replied with great enthusiasm and excitement when answering her question "Will you be home tomorrow morning? I just have to drop my husband off at the airport and I'll stop by for coffee..." Hilarious, I thought. Her husband is a pilot and works out of Toronto. She obviously thought she was texting my uncle. I replied that "Of COURSE I would be home and love to have coffee!", and laughed as I added "You do know you are texting 'Colleen, in Saskatoon', do you?" And she replied that YES! She did mean to text me and that her husband was heading home from their visit to see her parents and she was staying a little longer.

Well, knock me over with a feather! I have company coming this morning!! And with my daycare crowd of "one", we should be able to work in a very good visit. AND (and this is the best part), I added "Stay for lunch! I have chicken on a bun and pumpkin pie!" I never have ready-made offerings of food to offer. Never!

If you make it, they will come ...

And they did.