You Know it's Going to Be a Tough Weekend When ...

This was the hardest weekend I've endured for a very, very long time. I knew it was hard when I found myself counting down the days until I got to go to work on Monday.

Yes, I made it. Yes, it was hard. Would I do it again? Maybe.

Attending the Homecoming by myself was the hardest thing I've done in decades. Made tougher when my car started rattling as soon as I decelerated from highway speeds to turn into town. I mentioned my dilemma to a few people (probably twenty) and one person's response was, "Yes, a lot of people start acting up when they come to our hometown".

It was hard but it was good. I saw a lot of people. Two of the three Mom gathered together for the life changing homecoming in 2006 were there. One of those people was one of the first people I saw; I latched onto the second person's wife during the last piece of the day. I missed the third person terribly.

I survived the day, the car got me home (rattling again when I decelerated). The car situation hovered over me like the dark clouds that decided to rain upon us during my little family gathering of twenty five the next day.

My cousin's wife, to whom I am extremely grateful, arranged, invited, suggested everything pertaining to the afternoon. All I had to do was open my doors (and a little prep and clean up). Two of the first to arrive were my mechanically inclined cousins. I asked them a huge favor as soon as they arrived. "Before you leave today, would you mind driving my car to see if I need to get it fixed in town or if I can make it to the city?" Making it to the city was critical because I'm holidaying/cat-sitting in my previous home and it was imperative I make it to the city in two days. 

Anyway ... back to the gathering ...

It couldn't have went much better (considering the impending rain clouds which kept all 25 of us under the very small roof for quite a while). The garage was company-ready and eventually the crowd divided in two (with a few enjoying the peace of simply sitting on the back step). Small groups conversed together - I like when that happens because that is my favorite part of being "one" in a crowd. Is the small conversations that are more genuine and real than the small talk that happens when there is one, big circle.

I'm glad I hosted the event. My family was beyond grateful but that wasn't the reason. I am hosting a "gathering of nine" in August and I was a small bit apprehensive about the larger gathering. Now, "nine" sounds like a very good one-digit number. I'm ready.

And yes, I must work today. The easiest part of the entire long weekend. Going to a place I don't mind going alone, know my way around and ... it's my last day before a week long holiday. This is the first time (other than adding a day or two onto a weekend) I've taken holidays since 2018.

I'm ready.

P.S. My car is ready too. Other than loose lug nuts (and one missing one) on the front tires, my cousins couldn't hear the rattling I heard. I thought the rattling I heard was from the rear, but I'm taking my chances and driving anyway.

If You Ask Them ...

I'm living my Field of Dreams life once again. I extended an invitation yesterday morning. There wasn't any back and forth or wavering. It was a simple, "Sounds perfect"; "Wow that sounds awesome"; "We will do that"; "Thank you"; a few more "Thanks"; one "I'm old and wondering about bathrooms" (I'll take that as a 'yes'); 

All I had to do was ask.

It's an easy group. I'm pretty sure it will be as simple as opening up my home/yard/garage and providing the basic necessities. We are ordering in pizza. Bing! Bang! Boom! Easy peasy.

Except I have to get from here to there.

My socializing muscle is weak. My hosting abilities are rusty. This sequestered, solitary little life I lead has not been good. It's been easy but sometimes one must do hard things to live a better life.

One. Forward. Step. At. A. Time.

I asked. They are coming. This is good.

Clutter

My mind is full of clutter this morning. Most of it is related to tax reporting and filing. I have seven personal income taxes to file; two GST returns and one business. I am consumed with ensuring I do not find myself in this spot at this time next year.

One year ago, I was consumed with all of the above. And more. Three more businesses and three more personal taxes. I am beyond relieved I am not where I used to be. 

A year ago, after all deadlines were met with the government filings, I had one more end goal. To wind up all the financials of everything related to my bookkeeping job and hand it all over. And I did.

I am feeling a little PTSD as I wade through the tax season. Post traumatic stress. Yes, that says it all. 

The next few days, I will be taking a step back into the world I left behind. It is my hope to tend to all the business the first day. The positive thing about my old life is the people I worked for. I want to let the business go so I can simply enjoy the people part of the equation.

I have bemoaned the fact I don't love having to leave my home to earn my living. What I have not focused on, is the ability to separate home from work. I walk out the door at the end of my work day, come home and leave it all behind. 

Work has invaded home again. My little oasis on the prairie is under attack. I'm fighting back to regain what I worked so hard to achieve last year. A home that feels like a home. Not a work space.

The enemy has been identified. The mission is to conquer and remove it from my head and house. Clearing the clutter begins at home.

Let the spring cleaning begin!

Charging System Malfunctions

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm not dead yet but I am feeling a tad stronger than I was a handful of days ago.

My social battery does not hold a charge any more. It is akin to my computer battery which needs a continual charge. The moment it is unplugged it dies immediately. There is no residual power in the battery. It simply dies. It does not hold a charge, even with a consistent power source.

My angst over socializing outside of the comfort of home is usually tempered when I'm surrounded by good friends and family. Especially family. That was what was so disconcerting about the weekend past. I couldn't talk myself down. I was getting close. I thought I could do it. I was packed up and ready to go. But my body shut me down and made it physically impossible to leave the house. I couldn't have even worked. I was so relieved I didn't have to feel guilty about booking the day off work. I couldn't have worked. Whew.

I slept the entirety of the day and all of the night. I awoke with the strength to push myself out of the house and onto the road towards my family.

As I drove, I calmed a little but the voice inside my head was constant. Everyone else is part of a couple. It was a family weekend including all the in-laws. And me. It was a bridge too far. 

I had visions of them enjoying this time without a seventh wheel. I was actually relieved. I thought I gave them a gift of a day without concern about the extra baggage of an odd man out. I have never, ever felt like that man. But my angst was high and talking me into all kinds of stories. 

All anxiety fell out of my body the moment I walked in. It was worth every painful step it took to get there. Gone.

And so went the rest of the weekend. Embraced by the comfort, comradery, humor and presence of family, I was home. I was truly home.

My battery recharged throughout our family time. I hadn't even realized the gift I accidentally brought with me when I arrived in my own vehicle. I had the ability to drive my sisters home for one final inoculation of sisterhood all the way home. ALL the way.

We arrived home at 2:30 in the afternoon. The better part of a Sunday to gather what I needed to forge through another work week. Time for everything and nothing. Time to do a few things for my "future self" to make waking up in the morning easy.

And it worked. 

I slept five solid hours without stirring. I awoke to a computer in a deep sleep. I fall asleep watching something on the computer with settings set so it will not advance to the next episode. Normally I don't sleep long enough for the computer to completely shut down and I can wake it up by clicking the mouse. Not last night. I thought I would try to fall asleep without resorting to tuning something on, to tune out my thoughts. I stirred for a minute or two. But I fell back asleep and awoke two hours later.

Waking up to a dark, quiet room felt so incredibly peaceful. I had a long, vivid dream, full of deep meanings to keep my mind busy upon waking. Once again, as with most of my dreams, it was a relief to know it was only a dream. 

My sister gave me a grounding sheet as a parting gift. I came home, stripped the bed, washed the sheets, had a shower and wore my freshly washed pj's to bed. I had completely forgotten about the grounding sheet when I went to bed. Everything felt so fresh and crisp that I became one with my nest of supportive pillows and comfy, familiar bedding.

I woke up feeling completely grounded. It's a miracle. The sheet works! So does the magic of family and charging my weak social battery.

I have a tricky car battery and charging system that is worsened by the car sitting idle in the garage for weeks or a month at a time. It is strengthened by a good, long drive and weakened by quick trips. 

I definitely have a short in my charging systems around here. Something to work on ....

My trickle charger showing a 50% to 75% charge after a 4 hour drive

This morning. 

My car and I have a lot in common - the need for a trickle charger.

A New Day Dawning

"You are exactly where you need to be" 

Wise words that are not my own, but words I fall back on often.

I have been listening to a lot of podcasts lately. My podcast feed is fed by my interests and most of what I hear feels like it was meant just for me on a given day. What surprises me, is when I end up listening to something I've already heard and I hear a brand new message the second time around.

"Laziness does not exist" 

Devon Price says on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast.

Interesting. When your body shuts down and you cannot do more than sit on the couch and watch TV, that is okay. Hmmm? 

I have had numerous people within my enabling circle of family and friends tell me this. I tend not to believe them because they really have no idea just how LITTLE I do when I say I have literally done nothing for the entirety of a weekend. But wait just a second. When I do nothing, I am still. I am listening. I am absorbing little nuggets of information I may or may not remember. I may spend an afternoon playing Freecell on the computer. But I am listening to podcasts the entirety of that time.

In the time I feel as if I am sleepwalking through the hours, the neurons in my brain are firing. I could be more productive. I will be more productive. I am thinking. I am learning. I am expanding my ideas. I am listening to other points of view. 

The myriad of podcasts I've listened to have motivated me to reserve and borrow books from the library written by those interviewed. I am reading again!

My interests are expanding outside of my own small little vantage point within the universe. I hear nuggets of information I have heard replayed in the world outside my head. I am literate in life beyond my own.

I will be attending an event where I will be among people I saw four and a half years ago. I was running on a tank so empty that when politely asked what I was going on in my life, I honestly answered, "Nothing". Period. End of story. A kind soul listening in answered for me and within that response, was what I used to do. I didn't do that anymore. 

I felt defeated. Small. I wanted to fade into the scenery. Who was I when all I could be defined by was a version of who I used to be?

I will see these people again. The conversation will be completely different. We will be at a memorial honoring two people within that small grouping who are no longer here. The focus will be outward but I feel more grounded. I am becoming more of the person I used to be, with a dash of growth and perspective added.

"Listen to dread. It is such an important direction. There is something not right about the situation."

I had been waking up physically, emotionally and spiritually filled with dread for quite some time four and a half years ago. I cried on my way to work. I could feel it in my heart, my soul and my bones. 

The sensation was mixed with grief at first. I had been feeling this way before Mom died. Running out to see her was running away from the angst I felt at my job. Mom listened while I talked. What I remember most about our last mother-daughter-life-as-we-remembered-it supper together was her asking me "What is your ten year plan? You do know your "bread and butter" [income sources] are both over the age of 80, don't you?"

I didn't make ten years. Mom knew my answer before she died. I pushed through six years before I gave a year's notice to leave the work that was killing me softly. I woke up dreading the day. I didn't act upon it. I can still feel the way I felt driving to work those days.

How old do you feel?

A question Julia Louis-Dreyfus asks every guest on her "Wiser Than Me" podcast.

My answer never changes when I hear her question. I feel the age of whoever is in my presence.

I have started two new jobs recently. I may be the oldest in the office but I am surrounded by people younger than me. I envelope whatever age they may be and feel at home in their company. I remember feeling the same way when I ran my daycare. I was of a grand-mothering age and could have easily been most of my parents' mothers. We had young children in common and I felt like a fellow-warrior in this parenting role. Then I started working with those who were over the age of eighty.

I'll leave that thought alone.

There are many who are older than those I worked with and they are life affirming and young in spirit. But those I was keeping company with were in a state of decline. It took all I had and perhaps a little bit more.

Mom's words of wisdom were "You need to be around youth". She clarified she was not talking of my daycare crowd. The full time responsibility of fifty hours a week tending pre-schoolers was a little too excessive. At least for me.

I abandoned my daycare career at Mom's urging and can now thoroughly enjoy those exuberant, youthful little people. There is little that brings more joy than listening to contended children at play. I can even appreciate a crying child who is not dependent upon me. 

Everything in moderation. 

I feel a sense of balance being restored within myself and the life I am living. Life is bubbling up inside of me once again. I am feeling the energy of surrounding myself with the energy of those who are regenerating little pieces of myself that were lost to me for a while.

It is a brand new day. How we spend it is entirely up to us. No guilt. No expectations. Just do what you are capable of doing. 

Technology Overload

Well? The weekend I was so grateful to find at the end of my Friday last week? The two days of grace I most look forward to even at my advanced age? Poof! Gone. All in a matter of hours, as I dealt with technological difficulties beyond my pay grade.

Saturday afternoon, I spent three and a half hours of trying to remedy my boss's computer from the comfort of my own home. I had utilized every troubleshooting tool I had in my tool kit, made calls to the antivirus tech people, Microsoft tech team and was finally told this issue had to be referred to the next layer of assistance. It was beyond the ground level of help available that day. They could not go any further until Monday. 

I made arrangements to ensure I was at work, in person, first thing Monday morning. My carefree weekend spirit went up in smoke. Poof! Just like that. The heaviness of my work week infiltrated my Saturday.

Sunday was better. I tamped down my anxiety, focused my attention on family, communication and parenting. Other than our fax answering our phone instead of the answering machine (I spent an hour on the phone with our personal printer tech team last week and they finally gave up), the day went off according to plan. I assembled a fairly decent Sunday supper. I got enough sleep. I was fortified by family. I ate well. Then I slept.

I woke up Monday morning to find my own personal computer all of a sudden did not recognize the mouse I have been using. I unplugged it, tried another mouse. That mouse didn't work either. I was instantly transported back to the anxiety ridden emotions that crested Saturday afternoon. Oh no! Not more!! Please no more technological issues!! Please? 

Then I tried plugging the mouse into a different port on the computer and my troubles were resolved instantly. This would prove to be an omen for the day ahead.

Monday morning dictated working outside our home. I made it to the office right on schedule. The first thing I did was unplug the internet router for a minute. The minute the internet connection was restored, all issues were resolved. Now that is a good way to start a week.

I was so fortified by my success that I came home, determined to resolve the fax machine beating the answering machine to the phone. I unhooked the fax machine. Guaranteed success. Right?? Wrong. I'm back to the drawing board again this morning. 

I am growing tired of troubleshooting the technology that has invaded our world. People are NOT meant to have home offices, computers and fax machines living with them in their homes. It is not the natural order of things to have your worst work nightmares move in to stay. 

But ... this is the life I have chosen, desire as much as the pay cheque itself and will continue to do everything it takes to make it work. 

Please excuse me while I make a phone call to our telephone tech team. 

May all your technology work for you today. Happy Technologically Trouble-free Tuesday to you!

Unrest

The news channels are pouring out 24/7 news on the state of unrest that has upset the status quo within the world around us. I am not well versed enough to speak to the topic. I watched one half hour broadcast of our national news so I am not completely in the dark. As messages from world leaders punctuated the wind up of the day's events, the one message that spoke most loudly came from South Africa. Simple and powerful in its message "Pray for America".

Meanwhile, within the safe, quiet, bubble wrapped little world I exist in, I tossed and turned most of the night wrestling my own state of unrest. The contentment of my Christmas vacation bubble has burst and I'm counting the minutes to retirement ...

When work issues wake me up at night, I know there has been too much unfinished business at the end of the day. I do my best to confront those middle-of-the-night thoughts the following day and I succeed at my mission more often than not. But it is more than the work load. 

My subconscious mind took my thoughts and spun them into a dream. I used to "run away" and spend a weekend with Mom when I felt like this in the past. So in my dream, I did just that:

I was visiting Mom in her new home. She was well, content and making her way through her new life with ease. 

She lived in a brand new home, sparsely furnished only with what she needed. She had a walk in closet large enough to be a spare bedroom, with only a few clothes on the hangers. Her bedroom was sun lit and huge, with only a bed in the middle of it. 

She had a young boarder living with her [I'm pretty sure it was Mark Sloan's daughter from Grey's Anatomy - I had finally fallen asleep to one of those episodes]. Mom was completely at ease with the comings and goings of this young girl. The girl offered to show me her living space. She lived downstairs and had taken over the space in an over-the-top kind of way. Stuff. Clutter. Belongings everywhere. And did Mom mind? Not a bit.

Mom talked on her cordless phone as she wandered through her expansive living area. I commented on it [Mom despised talking on a cordless phone in real life] and she replied, "There is really no other way here ..."

The dream was comforting. Mom was there for me when I went to visit. She was calming. She was so content. Her attitude was that of "That's okay" [I rewind my memory reel to the video my brother created, called "A Day in the Life of Mom and Tramp", as our family pet was recorded on video, doing all the things he was never allowed to do in Mom's presence. Then when my brother interviewed Mom for this home movie, when he asked what she thought of this she simply stated, "That's okay"].

I woke up from my dream not wanting to leave the safe harbor of visiting Mom in her new home. The essence of "Mom" was exactly what I needed.

I want to run away. My Christmas vacation was heavenly. I didn't leave the house, I didn't answer to anyone, everything we needed was right here under our roof. 

During my holiday, I worked at my bookkeeping job several days. I could honestly say I loved my job when the day wasn't punctuated with various interruptions, phone calls, urgent needs to meet and losing control of the day. I started work when I was ready to start. I quit when I was finished with what I hoped to accomplish with the day, without having to be somewhere else by a certain time. It was heavenly.

I have organized my little world so I rarely have to enter a store or be in contact with people in any more than a minimal way. My first day back was "can you go here" then "deliver this there", followed by "can you pick this up" then go "do this" then "work outside of home" ...

All of this extra-curricular contact after spending eleven days isolating at home were uncomfortable. The tipping point? The expectation of working outside my home. I wrestled with anxiety throughout yesterday and into the night. I woke up this morning feeling all angsty. 

There is a state of unrest in the world. My troubles are nothing in the whole scheme of things. I know this. Oh, what I would give to be able to run off to Mom's for the weekend ...

I miss you, Mom. That is all.

Worst. Day. Ever.

**Please note: everything is relative. I lead a very easy life so "worst days" for me are truly not all that bad. This I know. Everything that follows this disclaimer is written from my own personal perspective on one particular day.**

Have you ever had a turning point in your day when you realize in hind sight, that you should have just walked away and tried again another day?  Me too.

This particular challenging day began with the best of intentions. Everything was going well so I decided to do just one quick thing as I tied up my work day at home and headed out to my out-of-house employment.

"I'll just do this [one thing] so I'm all set to go for tomorrow", I thought to myself with a self satisfied sigh.

That "one thing" did not go well. Technical difficulties at every turn. Trouble shooting tips from Google led to one, two, three, four and more different attempts to salvage the mission at hand. Then I had to leave the house.

Walking away from a challenge is often one of the best things one can do. Rebooting the computer is another favorite standby of mine. I did both. "Everything's gonna be okay" I told myself time and time and time again.

Then I made the mistake of going back to try to solve this after I got home from work. I often say that anything I do or say after 6:00 p.m. is equivalent to driving while under the influence of alcohol. I do not function on an intelligent level after the magic hour of 6:00 at night. I call it "impaired speaking".

Yet, I decided to try to fix a mind boggling technical issue after 7:00 p.m. Then I involved a second computer. What was I thinking?!??

Things went from bad to worse. I tried every trouble shooting mechanism known to me at the time. I tried, tried and tried again. I rebooted computers more often than I washed my hands that day. Reboot. Restart. Walk away. Try, try again.

I'm starting to see why I kept going back to relationships that didn't work for me - I used the same strategy.

After a long, frustrating evening I finally turned everything off and assured myself that I would wake up in the morning and on a fresh, clean, rested brain I would solve all the technical computer issues at hand.

Sure enough, I woke up with a brand new and shiny plan. A new day. A fresh start. Onward ...

Then things went from bad to worse. And even worse yet. I even messed up my online grocery order in an irreparable way. Even my email program defied me. Outbound messages sat in the Outbox folder and refused to go anywhere.

Everything I touched went awry. I couldn't even get one computer to turn on. These are not my computers. I was panicking, anxious and didn't know which way to turn.

The feeling of angst and helplessness I had were akin to the worst days of my life when I had no idea which way to turn. Those were the days I crumbled to the ground, looked upward and whispered, "Help me ..."

It is at those times when things feel like they cannot get any worse that can become the much needed turning point.

Some people pray. I called my Computer Guy.

I told him my story. I warned him it was a long one with many twists and turns. I started to talk. He listened. Then he started to reply. I responded, "But there is more ..." I kept telling my tale. He kept thinking I was at the end of my story. I kept saying, "But there is even more ..." This cycle repeated at least three times. Maybe four.

"Can you help me over the phone? I will pay you for your time. I will do anything." I implored. Unfortunately the damage I had done was more than an amateur troubleshooter like me could handle. This was a job for a professional.

This is the part of the never ending story where the soundtrack changes to a light and hopeful tone. The sun comes out, melts the snow, there is a twinkle in the skies above and up drives my Computer Guy. I'm pretty sure he was wearing a superhero cape.

He called before he arrived so I could put the troubled computer on our doorstep so we adhered to all COVID-19 distancing requirements. I was inside the house, he was outside, we spoke, then he drove off on his white stallion (okay, it was only a car) and the heaviness of the day was lifted off my shoulders.

I turned around, tried reloading the program that started all the trouble on a new program on my own personal computer ...

While it was loading, my online grocery order had enough time on its own to allow me to go back and salvage the many errors of my ways.

The computer program loaded successfully and I was able to complete the mission I had set out to do 24 hours prior.

Twenty four hours. It took one full day. Suddenly my Worst. Day. Ever. turned into the Best Recovery I could have ever hoped for.

Everything that went sour turned on its haunches and turned out okay.

It all works out in the end. If it doesn't work out, it is not yet the end. 

~ slightly paraphrased from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

I know this "worst day ever" was a walk in the park compared to the realities going on all around us. I know this. Yet I couldn't stop the spiraling anxiousness and feeling of being overwhelmed. 

Yesterday felt like I was a contestant on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. I used all my lifelines. It turns out "calling a friend (aka: a computer professional)" was a game changer for me. 

In these days of isolation, confinement, health, family and financial worries DO use your lifelines. "Calling a friend" may be a game changer for you too.

A Little More on Angst

When I woke up feeling a little angsty this morning, I searched the word "angst" on my blog and came up with this post from the past. I wrote this during the height of some of my daycaring stresses and I still found the lessons hidden within the toughest of days. It is my hope I will always keep looking for the nuggets of wisdom hidden within the toughest of days.

Here is a little blast from my past, written 4-1/2 years ago:

FRIDAY, JUNE 26, 2015

Angst

Angst -  a feeling of anxiety, apprehension, or insecurity

Yes, "angst" is a good word for the way I woke up this morning.

I haven't been rolling with this week very well.  I think I need a holiday. Kid-chatter is grating on my last nerve.

Scene from my two days ago:

Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Uh-huh.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Yes I do.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Yes, I like your dress.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Yes. I like your pretty dress.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: YES, AND I HEARD YOU THE FIRST FOUR TIMES YOU TOLD ME! [fail, I know]

Scene from yesterday:

Me: Who has an idea what to have for snack today?
Child 1: I do.
Child 2: No, I do!
Child 3: NO! I DO!!
Me: Okay, what is your idea?
Child 1, 2 and 3: Silence

Yesterday morning started out with a large, suspicious wet spot on the couch. My Little Guy, who had just arrived and didn't want to eat breakfast with us and sat on the couch, had an overfilled diaper that leaked onto the couch.

The cleaning-of-the-couch process drew children to me, like bees to honey. And I wasn't feeling too terribly sweet. So I turned on the "Bubble Guppies" and begged them to watch it and sit on the love seat, where they always sit, not on the couch. You would have thought I was asking for the moon.

So ... we finally made it out the door and we had walked fifteen minutes towards a spray park to find a cool way to beat the heat when this conversation took place:

Little Boy #2: [indeterminable mumbling preceded the words] ... poopin'.
Me: [immediately remembering I had failed to take him to the bathroom just before we left, although he had gone immediately after breakfast and we would have been out the door shortly thereafter, if it wasn't for the Wet Couch Incident] You have to go poop?
Little Boy #2: Yup

I couldn't be frustrated. It was my fault. We turned on a dime, headed home, took him to the bathroom. And by then, he didn't have to go.

So we headed back towards the park and all went well. We got home, had a quick lunch, watched a little bit of a movie and everyone headed towards those minutes of the day I love the best. Quiet time.

I usually get twenty minutes to myself during that time. Then I get the older ones up so they can watch a movie and I have an added half hour of them watching a movie while I start to update our daycare blog. Those quiet minutes get me through the day. When I don't get them? I am depleted.

Yesterday? I didn't get them.

Little Boy #1 woke up an hour ahead of schedule. He is a dynamo. He bounces off the couches. Literally. He needs to climb, be active, diversity and he really thrives in a no-rules-zone. I need this little boy to sleep. He didn't.

It was hot, hot, hot outside yesterday. So I brought the water table out onto the shaded deck. This new activity brought no end of fun and bliss and contentment to our world last year. I was ready for some blissful, cool water fun. It would save the day.

Little Boy #1 was not here last year. He LOVED the water. But no one else could enjoy the water play because he saturated everything and everybody in sight. It was a "two part" table, so I moved him over to the other half so he could play any which way he wanted to play and not soak everyone else. He didn't like that idea. He wanted to be where everyone else was. Then he climbed onto/into the water table. Not once. Not twice. Three times. The water table is not meant to be sat in.

Little Boy #2 saw LB #1 climbing in the table so he thought it would be just fine to sit on it as well. Not once. Not twice. But three times.

I dumped the water and hid the table in the garage.

Little Boy #2 was angry with me for taking away the only fun thing there was to do. I begged my son to come outside with me. I desperately needed to communicate with someone over the age of three. He didn't want to be there and when he saw my exasperation levels he simply said, "I don't know why you didn't just take them downstairs".

"Because I am being a good, creative and fun babysitter, That is why! I'm doing the right things but the wrong things are happening!! THAT'S why!"

Well, I didn't really say that. But I did think it.

Why do the wrong things happen when you do what you do for all the right reasons? Could it be because nothing I offered the kids came from a place of joy? It was all guilt and trying to do the right thing.

Thus, I woke this morning [is it just me, or is this not the longest week in the history of man???], feeling very apprehensive about the day ahead of me. I am anxious because I really don't know what to do with my little energizer bunny who is sick to death of the confines of our house and yard. And I am feeling insecure because I should be better than this.

I know better but I'm not doing better.

Angst. Yes, that is me today. It can only get better. Right?

Good things do not come from a place of guilt and obligation. Good things come out of the smallest intentions, coming from a place of giving and joy.

I think we are going to go find bugs and stones today. Life is simpler that way.

One other quote from yesterday:

As we were walking to the waterpark (the first time), my three-year-old little girl saw a yard overgrown with a wild flower garden, unkempt and unmowed grass, filled with dandelions and clover in full bloom and she said in wonder, "Colleen! Look at the beautiful garden!!"

And do you know what? It was beautiful. It was unabandoned, unrestricted wild beauty. Mother Nature set free to do as she pleased. And it looked good.

Set yourself free today. Don't follow the rules (or mow your lawn or pick your weeds). Let the day flow in and through you just the way it wants to. Don't fight the flow. And see how it goes.

There is beauty in letting the day wash through you. I think I need to take a piece of my own advice. If I'm still standing at the end of the day, I'll try and update you.

"Colleen! What a beautiful garden!!"

Feeling Angsty

I woke up with a good case of "angst" this morning. It seems to be coming at me from all directions and I don't quite know what to do but wonder if it is just the phase of the moon.

I woke up with the thought "Life could change on a dime". I can think of a few triggers for this ominous thought. Most of all I am berating myself for simply not appreciating life-as-I-know-it. Life is such a delicate, precarious balance of good, bad, stressful, easy, work, leisure, expectations ... and the list goes on and on. And on.

Lesson #1 - "When you wake up to a day that is much like the day you expect it to be, be grateful." There is much to be said for a day like every other.

I then started panicking about the way I've been handling my finances. "I should pretend I don't get one pay cheque and save it." Not only to build up my savings but to practise for the day when my income level will change. Life could change on a dime, you know!

Lesson #2 - take "work like you don't need the money" to a new level and "Work like you aren't getting paid for it - and SAVE!"

Then I got on my own case and berated myself for a project I started and put aside. I have mastered the art of procrastination. I have that quality within me so fine tuned I have forgotten that I have been putting off until next year (or the year after that), what could be done in small step-by-step increments.

Lesson #3 - "One small step in a forward direction will put you one step closer to your goal." Baby steps. One step at a time. Get 'er done, Girl!!

I felt my childhood regret of speaking out loud haunt me this morning. Did I write something or say something I shouldn't have? I labored over replying to a text last night because the words wouldn't come. I overthought something I may have written weeks ago. Coulda, shoulda, woulda kinds of thoughts prevailed.

Lesson #4 - "Just do your best. One day at a time." I can hear Mom tell me "Be careful what you put in writing" and I heed that advise to the best of my ability.

Good health should never be taken for granted. This goes right along with lesson #1 - waking up to a body that works as you have grown accustomed to expecting to is a gift like no other. Life can change on a dime. Prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

I take my circumstances for granted. I know I do. I wake up to a warm and cozy home, I jump out of bed and head into my day feeling nothing but a little groggy. I work for people I respect and admire and actually get paid for the privilege. I live in a state of feeling overwhelmed and depleted and don't replenish myself in the ways I could and should.

I do a few things right. I do my best. I endeavour to be kind to everyone. I am grateful.

I make mistakes. We all do. I try my best. But I still fail. I wake up every morning with the opportunity to try, try again.

I'm feeling angsty this morning. Perhaps because I woke up with the knowledge that I need to try a little harder today.

It's All Going to Be Okay

Everything happens as it should. It's all going to be okay. Don't overthink this. All will work out exactly as it is meant to be.

These are the phrases I mindlessly wrote over and over again this morning as I wrote my "morning pages" of long hand, free thinking, mindless writing. 

My subconscious mind is speaking to me. Nothing more than that. I have other people's stories on a loop within my mind and these are the lessons that keep coming to the forefront of my thoughts.

I wrote out my three pages and walked away. 

I tended three tasks that were taking up too much real estate in my mind. 

I soothed myself with my morning routines. 

And here I am.

I feel wordless. 

If a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound?

If I think my thoughts and do not write them, do I exist?

Heavy words to ponder on a wordless kind of day.

Everything is good. I live a blessed life. I have more than my heart can hold. 

Yet I seem to need to remind myself it is all going to be okay today.

So I just thought I'd stop by and write this out loud just in case anyone else needs to hear these words.

Remain hopeful.

It's all going to be okay.

A Most Excellent Day!

After a few anxiety ridden moments this morning, a most excellent day unfolded before me like a perfectly choreographed dance routine.

Everything happened easily. One thing segued easily into the next. I had time to vacuum the house before I left the house this morning and discovered a leaking kitchen faucet in time to call in for help before the weekend officially began.

Visiting was fun, easy, laughter-filled and life affirming.

An unexpected bonus was the addition of one sister and brother-in-law. A last minute invitation worked out like it was meant to be. A sibling + a few uncles and an aunt + a few cousins + an in-law to add some new blood into the dynamic equalled "perfection".

Our departure for home was right on schedule and I arrived right on time to meet up with a friend from my long, forgotten past and two hours (and one very large coffee) passed in no time.

I have no idea how it happens but I have been fortunate to reconnect with people I have known from a few lifetimes ago (she said we haven't seen each other since elementary school) and we pick up from where we last left off (even though neither one of us have a firm idea where exactly that was). This has happened on numerous occasions and I am surprised each and every time.

I live a charmed life. I truly do. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! to whoever may be listening, sensing or be responsible for my good fortune.

One day down, three to go. Every day can't go as perfectly as this one but one is enough to carry me through whatever happens next.

Morning Thoughts

"Decluttering your mind" - these are the words that spoke to me loudest in my morning stroll through the Interwebs in a quest to reroute my thoughts. The blog which caused me to pause is "Be More With Less"; the post that caught my attention is "One Simple Way to Declutter Your Mind". The following ideas are not my own but I like this take on putting worries to rest.

I have read time and time again, that gratitude is key to healthy, happy living. I wholeheartedly believe this to be true. Counting my blessings, especially during tough times has been my coping mechanism for forever. 

As grateful as I feel for that which I have within my life, anxiety continues to plague my thoughts. I can talk myself down from most anything but life is not perfect. As much as I can try to interject a wide view perspective of that which feels unjust and hurtful, my heart still carries the weight of some days long after the moment has passed.

What is suggested in the article I read, is to write down the thoughts that are cycling through your mind before you go to sleep at night. Write it out. Good, bad or anything in between. Then give yourself permission to let it all go and revisit this list in the morning.

I have done this unintentionally on a few occasions. The days that haunt me. The words I can't say out loud. I write them down, feel them, read them from a wide angle lens for perspective. Thoughts cycle around and around and around in my mind. Thoughts feel bigger than they are when unspoken, just as a small ball of snow rolled around in the snow long enough becomes big enough to make a snowman.

I have used writing as a tool to regain my perspective, come up with a plan of attack and simply cope for as long as I can remember. But I have never consciously written down my thoughts with the intent of emptying my mind for a good night's sleep. Then revisiting them in the light of day.

The first light of the morning often brings clarity to that which is weighing you down. My best ideas, answers and plans of attack are clearest in the dawn of a new day.

That said, my heart is heavy this morning. I don't know why. The morning sun did not work its magic for me. I have to leave the house today. I want to stay home.

This morning feels hard. This too shall pass. I know this is true. One forward step at a time. I will make my way to another weekend. A weekend without my roofer elves upon my roof (they are back this morning for their third and final day).

I do believe I'm in the midst of a long weekend hangover. A hangover that consists of a list of all I hoped to do, with little-to-nothing crossed off that list. It is time to create an action plan.

I wrote those words and immediately thought to myself "I need a holiday" and looked ahead at the calendar and dared to dream.

I don't need to go anywhere. I have no desire to run. I simply want to be home. I want to stay home and savor my mornings, knowing I can revel in those early morning moments for as long as they last. Perhaps take some day trips. Visions of an elastic band which expands and contracts, always bringing me back home wafts through my mind as I dare to dream ...

I spotted our neighborhood rabbit this morning. I haven't seen this guy for a very long time. I have been watching, waiting and hoping to spot the rabbit(s) that hop through our streets. I want to be still and watch nature unfold before my eyes.

And how is your Tuesday-after-the-long-weekend feeling? 

The Long Road Home

They say it is good for one's brain health to take different routes, learn a new language, take up dancing, etc, etc. Last night I decided to be very brave and I took a new way home from my son's home.

"Take the new bridge!", he said after the opening of the new North Bridge in our fair city. "Why would I do that when I had a perfectly good route that was familiar, straight forward and time effective?", I quietly thought to myself.

Last night, I decided that turning right during rush hour traffic could save me time and frustration verses turning left, without a set of lights to make the job easy. "I'll take the new bridge," I thought. "It will be an adventure," I encouraged myself.

I drove north when I needed to go west. I drove and drove. Then drove some more. "Did I cross the river without realizing it? Was I out of the city? Would this road take me where I thought I should go?"

At no point did I find this enjoyable. I never felt lost but I was pretty sure this was not the most expedient way home.

At long last, I found the landmarks I expected to see. Along with those landmarks, came rush hour traffic. The logical way back into the city would be back logged with vehicles.

As I tried to find a logical reason why I was so far out of my way, I decided I could make a "quick" trip into Costco to make this detour worth my while. While I thought I was getting myself out of a must-turn-left lane, I found myself in a lane where making a left turn into the (very busy looking) Costco parking lot was an impossibility.

So I kept on going.

I was certain the road I was on would take me to the highway to Edmonton. I could detour outside the city and take the highway less travelled to get me back into home territory.

The road was long. I never come at this particular highway from an westward direction. I am always coming in from the east.

Roads less travelled feel like they take so much longer, without familiar sights to guide you. I was on a double lane highway, knowing I had to turn left. I just didn't know how soon this would happen so I stayed in the passing lane, while ensuring I wasn't holding up any traffic behind me.

Sweat was thinking about accumulating on my brow. I was not only out of my comfort zone, I felt like I may have slipped into another time zone due to the excessive mileage I was travelling.

Finally, finally, finally the signage appeared and I got to turn left and head home on my warm and familiar highway. I would have never guessed that this road would not come with an extended left-turn lane so I turned on my signal light well in advance of my turn. I looked in my rear view mirror and was relieved to see the car behind me yield to my need to slow down. I had made it this far. I didn't want to end up in an accident this close to my destination.

That worn, familiar highway never looked so good. But even it felt longer as I anxiously made my way towards home. They took down the signage at my street but thankfully I recognized it anyway. Another left turn and no one rear ended me on this highway either.

I drove 15 km's out of my way, took an extra 15 minutes to get home and forgot to relax and enjoy the view. This all started so I could avoid "turning left".

When my brain functions start slowing down and the experts remind me of all the ways I can exercise and rewire my brain, they may mention "taking new routes home" as a suggestion. I think I may try to learn Spanish instead.

Life Cycles

The longer I live, the more I find myself recreating a life I thought I had left behind. I see this on so many levels.

I went to my "Positive Thinking Articles" to find an article to articulate my thoughts and found myself wading through notes I could have written yesterday and positive words I have saved which speak to me today.

I've been here. I've done this. I've pulled myself up and out of the mire time and time again.

Why do I keep finding myself "here"? At a place where I'm wondering what is next and how to handle the present.

I could have sworn that I had learned this lesson the last time. Every time life gets hard, I find myself quitting. I've quit relationships, I've quit jobs, I've walked away and abandoned the life I created so I could start all over again. Time and time again.

The lesson I most likely need to learn is that quitting is not the answer. The answer lies in staying true to the course, overcoming obstacles and gaining a new perspective from the next level one hits at that point.

It's always darkest before the dawn. That's what they say. Dawn is arriving far too soon all of a sudden. I prefer the darkness ...

Time Management

The longer I live, the poorer I get at managing my time.

I just puttered away two hours this morning. Granted, I sent off an email, balanced my budget, made some short range plans and stimulated my brain with my morning puzzles. BUT I lost two hours in (what felt like) the blink of an eye.

If it was just "me" and my home life, this would be okay. But this mismanagement of time is infiltrating my long range goals, my state of productivity and my work.

I am a stickler for routine. On the job and off. I like to clear the deck of all small tasks before I tackle something big. I do this at home. I do this when I tackle any project or job. I did this when I studied, while I assembled our family's memories and when I have taken on organizing family events. 

I do this all the time. I clear the clutter of "life" away and then I sit down and lose myself in the bigger projects at hand.

This does prove to be a very good excuse to procrastinate. I was not alone when I said my house was never cleaner, than when I was taking a correspondence course. I truly believe that "white space" creates fewer distractions and one can focus better on the job at hand. 

I have succeeded in what I have set out to do in the past. I have completed courses. I have created or been a co-creator in three family history books. I have arranged a reunion and kept a fully balanced accounting of all funds received for said reunion. I managed Mom's estate and all accounting related to it. 

I accounted for balanced every penny of Mom's funds, family reunion and book funds. I do income tax for others. I did my own taxes before I took them to the accountant and caught an error she made. I balance my own books to the penny. I balance books as unconsciously as I breathe. 

I obsess about balancing to the penny and check my work backwords, forwards and sideways before I put it to rest. I meticulously organize the end result of my work at hand, so if I was ever questioned on any part of the accounting, I would be able to retrace my steps and account for my thought process.

This should make me very good at my work BUT the time it takes to do things the way I like to do them is tripping me up. 

This is waking me up at night. Every night I have to work in the morning. It has been a long while since I felt I put in a productive day at work. The habits that work for me at home are not working for me in the work place.

"Listen to the whispers" is a chapter I just read in Oprah's new book. I've been able to hear the whispers in the past. It was harder when those whispers were guiding me away from my days of daycaring. I silenced the whispers but an ocular migraine scared the socks off me (I thought it may be a brain tumor as I was experiencing it) during my last day of work before a long awaited holiday. I offered to move out to Mom's that summer but settled for quitting my daycare instead. 

Another time, a hernia stopped me in my tracks which resulted in going back to school and rerouting my career after I listened to the quiet.

My sitting in a sunbeam moment after my Youngest Child was born was another moment of clarity when my life was quiet enough to listen to the beat of my own heart. I took a leave of absence from my work and opened my daycare. I have never looked back.

Prior to that, were the screams of desperation I felt within me when I knew I had to make a physical move away from my marriage and previous life. That was the smartest move of my life.

I hear the whispers. I don't want the whispers to turn into screams. When you don't make a change voluntarily, life will deal you a hand that is out of your control. I would rather control the change I want to see in my life. 

I want to listen to those whispers. Maybe I have to turn off the TV at night so I am forced to wake up and confront them.

I feel as though I am mismanaging my time but am I? Or is "life" trying to talk to me and I am numbing my thoughts with sleep, Netflix and food? My chip addiction at night has become all consuming and the highlight of my day.

I don't want to make any rash changes. I simply want to find a way to make this existing situation work. I need to either have suggestions or be open to them. I must be willing change what is within my control or accept things as they are. 

The Serenity Prayer instantly comes to mind: 

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

I feel as though I am mismanaging my time but am I? Or is "life" trying to talk to me and I am numbing my thoughts with sleep, Netflix and chips?

As I was ready to walk away from the computer, this post came to my attention:

Self-care is not selfish. It’s the most pro-active thing you can do. Why? We cannot nurture others from a dry well. If we practice preventative wellness and replenish our emotional reservoirs BEFORE they hit the empty line, then we can give even more to others from our surplus, from our natural state of strength and abundance. Shine brightly💡 ~ Project Happiness

I wrote this at 8:00 a.m.; I have returned to my morning thoughts twelve hours later. I will post this after it has plenty of time to marinate. Good night.

Hello, Anxiety

Hello Anxiety, I've come to talk with you again ...

I have frittered away the morning seeking ways to escape my thoughts. How can I best utilize the upcoming weekend to refill my resources?

One forward step at a time.

If Mom was here, I would head out to see her. She would have straight shooting advice for me. I would tell her all the reasons I will keep following the course I'm on. She would tell me otherwise.

She was one wise woman.

She saw this day coming. I knew she was right. I just didn't think it would happen so soon.

Oh, Mom. I miss you today....

I Hope It's Just the Moon

I started getting this "angsty" feeling this past weekend. Low confidence, over-thinking, anxiety ridden kinds of thoughts. This is not my regular day-to-day kind of thinking so I hoped it was "just the moon" and this too, would pass.

We are knee deep into the week and I can't loose the angst. The moon is full. Apparently it is a super moon or some such thing. We are fresh into the new season of spring. Perhaps something celestial is behind my unease.

The cats are restless. Jet, our bored kitty, is scratching doors, couches, bugging his partner in cathood, sleeping under the covers in ALL of the spare beds and just generally being a bit of a pest. He wants to go outside in the worst way. After dealing with the never-ending cat hair around her since our installation of laminate (which does NOT suck up cat hair the way our former wall-to-wall carpeting did), I'm half tempted to set him free. If it were not for the chip embedded under his skin which would guarantee his return home, I fantasized for a fraction of a second about letting him go ...

This is NOT my norm!

I toyed with the idea of hitting the highway and going to visit friends this upcoming weekend. I am craving the presence of people who have known me "forever" and vice versa. Laughter. Joy. Friendship. Youth. Energy. Vitality ...

I'm missing my Renovators. For five solid weeks, I felt the presence of youth, energy and vitality. Fresh ideas, creativity and watching the gradual evolution of "what was" to "what is" was life affirming. I had a life outside my regular work-week which infused me with new thoughts and a zeal for life I had been missing.

It must be Spring Fever. I feel Jet's inner desire to run out the door and see what adventures await. This unease is propelling me away from the safety and security I feel within these walls of ours. Perhaps it is not such a bad thing after all.

Is it the moon? Is it Spring Fever? Is it time for a change? Time will tell. In the meantime, the open door is calling out to me (and our cat). Maybe it's time to open the door and follow the path of least resistance...

Do Not Be Afraid

These are scary times. I applied for two jobs yesterday.

Actually, I had a practise run and applied for one last week too. It was only upon rereading the information provided by the employer's description of job postings that I realized I had applied for an "internal" position. They would not be considering applications received from anyone not already working for them. You would not believe the wave of relief I felt when I read that.

I discovered something very important by that ill fated application. I do NOT want a full time job. My number one reason for rerouting my day job is the need to decrease my work schedule to a maximum of five days per week. In a perfect world, four days would suit me just fine.

As I was perusing the jobs available, I started jotting down notes about what I really did NOT want and started a list of what I am looking for.

I DO want a part time job. I DO want to work a day shift on week days. I DO want a routine, a schedule or a guideline of the times I will be expected to work. I enjoy working with numbers, words and typing. I want to start within my comfort zone, with room to grow.

The words "sales" and "marketing" make my heart clench up in apprehension. The idea of being asked to work on "call in" basis is paralyzing. When I hear the word "receptionist", I think of screening and fielding calls. I have done this. I could do it again. But I don't enjoy it. If I answer the phone and need to transfer a call, I do not want to recoil in fear of being reprimanded for how I handed the call.

I DO like the idea of having a job to do, be given firm parameters, a list of guidelines/do's and don'ts and the time and space to figure things out on my own as well as the knowledge that "mistakes happen". I want to work for someone who realizes errors are the best teachers. I do NOT want to be afraid to try and fail. I want to be encouraged to try, then ask questions to assure I am on the right track.

But most importantly, I do NOT want to start a new job until January. February would be better. I may as well aim to miss venturing out during the coldest months of winter while I'm making my wish list. If I could swing it "spring" would be a very good time to start anew. I have back-up financing in place so I can afford to take what time is necessary.

I received my very last ever pay cheque from my daycare career this morning. I will have to start dipping into my reserves by mid-month. My sales of daycare goods and supplies could pay for my shortfall this month. Considering I have been living off of a reduced wage for almost two months and October's unbudgeted expenses exceeded that of one of the full-time daycare spots I was already missing, I count that as a relative "success".

I have three more weeks of being a "full-time daycare provider". As of about noon on November 28th, I will be done. My days of child tending will be over. The time has come. I can tell it with every loud breath my little "two year old with a cold" took yesterday. When I flip the calendar page into December, I plan to hunker down in my "room with a door" and sit still with my writing. I want to see if there is a book in there somewhere. I want to see if I have what it takes to put myself out there and write for more papers. I want to be rid of the excesses by that time so I have no excuse to do anything but "be still". I need to be still within this little world of mine so I can listen for the whisper that is telling me where to go next.

I applied for two jobs yesterday. I sent them out into the world, hoping they fall into the abyss of the unnoticed, unremarkable and unaccepted file. I tried. I will continue to try. But I do not want to act out of fear. Fear is what motivated me yesterday.

My biggest fear is the fear of acceptance in an arena I don't want to fight in. The world I wished for only three short months ago is almost here. I don't want to fast track through this place. "This" is what I wanted. "This" is exactly where I wanted to be. The challenge will be to remain calm and steady while the waves of fear threaten to pull me under.

"Do not be afraid" I just Googled this phrase to find out where these words came from. I discovered I was quoting from the Bible. I've been told I do this a lot. These are the words that come to me when I am most fearful. I don't know what I believe but I do have faith. I am fighting to stay calm and the words I need to hear come directly from the Bible. Either that or from Glennon Doyle Melton. Either way, I'm listening.

Meditation 101

Meditation. I need this. I should learn how to do this. It would be good for me. I can tell, by my complete inability to follow through on any one thought, task or sentence (in fact I had to come back and finish this uncompleted sentence that I left dangling on my first write through).

The chatter in my head is driving me batty. The guilt, the fear and simply the overwhelmed state of my thoughts is running rampant within my thoughts and I'm stuck. Thankfully I'm emptying closets (slowly) so I have something to account for all of my spare time lately. But honestly? If someone was to ask me what I have accomplished lately, I think all I really have to say is "I have been thinking".

So I enrolled in Oprah and Deepak Chopra's 21 Day Meditation Experience yesterday morning. It was an interesting experiment.

Number 1 - If you have cats, you cannot meditate. Unless they are fast asleep. Do cats ever sleep soundly?

I shall set the stage. I sat down in the living room and set my gaze upon a street light outside. Just get yourself into a trance and lose yourself was my mantra. Sit, gaze, listen, declutter my brain.

Then I heard a cat. It sounded like Jet was eating the fresh roll of toilet paper I just brought out (his favorite). I paused the meditative state and raced to the bathroom. Jet wasn't attacking the toilet paper. He was playing in the "cat toy drawer". It doesn't matter. Let it go. These were my first mantras of the morning.

So I sat down again and pressed "Play".

A few calm moments later, I realized I needed to make an urgent trip to the bathroom myself. I paused again. On my way back to the couch, I thought "This is interesting and relaxing. I'll just grab my coffee ..."

I curled up on the couch with my coffee in hand and set my gaze upon that streetlight once again. Now I was ready to be still and "meditate". Then Deepak told me to get comfortable because "this" was when we were going to start to meditate.

I rustled around on the couch and missed everything he said while all this noise was going on in and around my head. Okay. I was ready. I would just rewind the video and start from a few minutes prior. But the video wouldn't let me rewind. What?!! I guess that is lesson #1 - when meditating, there is no need to rewind. Because you are still. And quiet. And in a hypnotic state. And you can't move yourself out of your comfortable spot. Because you are in the zone.

I tuned back in when Deepak was telling me what to chant in my head as I sat still and emptied my brain of thought. "Aham Prema". He told me what these words meant "I am love". These are my thoughts that followed:

Okay. Aham Prema. Aham Prema. Aham Prema, breathe, listen to my breath, breathe deeply ... What does that mean again? I can't remember. What was I supposed to be chanting in my mind again? I can't remember. How do I stop thinking? I didn't hear what he told me. I can't rewind. I can't remember the mantra. What are the cats doing? What do I need to be doing? I'm missing Kelly's radio show ...

The end. I give up. I can't do this, this morning. I can't stop the flow of words and they won't let me rewind the tape. How unfair! I quit!

Then I tuned into my nephew's new radio show and lived a very distracted morning as I blogged, checked my banking transactions, rechecked my budget, wondered about my financial future, pondered some financial forecasts, blogged some more, laughed a little as my nephew tickled my funny bone, checked out a few blogs, returned to my own blogging, made coffee, watched the cats at play, made more coffee and basically had the most un-meditative kind of morning ever.

This morning, I woke up at about 4:15 a.m. and felt pretty wakeful. It was too early to get up so I had a brainwave. I brought the computer into my room, turned on Oprah and Deepak's meditation series again and tried very hard.

This was working! I woke up the cats when I ran to get the computer but as I nestled back into bed, so did they. Jet snuggled in at my feet; Ray at my side. They cat napped and I listened to Oprah and Deepak's calm, relaxing voices and tried very, very hard to follow their instructions. There was no need to rewind because I got comfortable before I pressed "Play". I just sat and listened and breathed and tried to remember the mantra (I keep forgetting those words). Suddenly, I was back where I was yesterday morning.

What was I supposed to be chanting? What does it mean? What is the centering thought? What did they say? Why am I thinking? Why can't I stop .... breathe. In ... out ... focus on breathing ... deep breaths ... in ... out .... ... .... ...

Then I woke up when Deepak chimed his bell or whatever it was that he said he was going to do to signal the end of our meditation.

Does meditation count if you sleep through it? How do you turn off your thoughts? What was our centering thought of the day again? Did I hear anything? Why can't I remember??

Just ask me about the vivid dream I had just before I woke up before all of this meditation this morning. I remember it well. I was being robbed and I was very calm as I tried to help the perpetrators of the crime. I tried to humanize myself and them and I talked oh, so calmly. I handled it like a champ.

But do I know what Oprah and Deepak told me to focus on today? I need a workbook to go along with the meditation. Words alone do not penetrate the protective layer of words, thoughts, worries and guilt. I need to be fully engaged. I need to sit still, read, write notes and answer questions. Then I'm ready to absorb the words I have been given.

Do I need this? I think so. I think this state of quiet mindlessness and not thinking in words will help to centre me and still the chaos in my mind.

How do I accomplish this feat set out before me? I will Google that. There must be a place where I can read, write and interact with some information that teaches me how to still my mind. Maybe yoga is where it is at for me.