It's All Going to Be Okay

Everything happens as it should. It's all going to be okay. Don't overthink this. All will work out exactly as it is meant to be.

These are the phrases I mindlessly wrote over and over again this morning as I wrote my "morning pages" of long hand, free thinking, mindless writing. 

My subconscious mind is speaking to me. Nothing more than that. I have other people's stories on a loop within my mind and these are the lessons that keep coming to the forefront of my thoughts.

I wrote out my three pages and walked away. 

I tended three tasks that were taking up too much real estate in my mind. 

I soothed myself with my morning routines. 

And here I am.

I feel wordless. 

If a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound?

If I think my thoughts and do not write them, do I exist?

Heavy words to ponder on a wordless kind of day.

Everything is good. I live a blessed life. I have more than my heart can hold. 

Yet I seem to need to remind myself it is all going to be okay today.

So I just thought I'd stop by and write this out loud just in case anyone else needs to hear these words.

Remain hopeful.

It's all going to be okay.

Trust Issues

I bought a new-to-me car a few days before Christmas last year. I was basically unemployed at the time. So was my son. It was a decision made out of necessity (or so I thought). I bit the bullet and bought a car I felt I didn't need in the hope that having two cars would buy us the freedom required for us to spread our wings and grow.

Within two weeks, my new car and I would take our first highway trek together. I was still filled with anxiety over the money I had spent, driving a car I did not know well. My car and I didn't have a history together. It was a brand new relationship between me and my car. It was tough going.

My previous car had abandoned me on the side of a busy road only a few weeks prior to this purchase and suddenly I didn't trust anything with four wheels. If my trusty steed had let me down, how could I begin to trust a vehicle I didn't even know?

We have had some rocky roads - me and my new car. My mechanic and I became well reacquainted as I had him investigate every little concern I had. I was just beginning to think I could trust this new set of wheels when I discovered I needed "a new set of wheels". Four summer tires to be exact. 

This purchase sent me down yet another road of discovery which was a road I did not want to travel. But travel it, we did. And by the time we reached our final destination, I was beginning to feel like I was starting to know this new car of mine. The more I invested in this relationship, the more I began to trust it.

There is something very comforting about four brand new tires. I've never appreciated new tires before. Possibly because I only replaced them on an as-needed basis. I bought my tires two at a time and rotated the tires to ensure the new tires were where they needed to be. But four brand new tires all at once? I admired them. I enjoyed the feeling of those tires between me and the pavement. I appreciated the new tread and I started to feel safe within this relationship I was building with my car.

As a "gift", my car received a thorough cleansing of the lubricating kinds. The transmission, radiator and oil were all flushed, new fluids coursed through the "heart" of my car and we were set to travel many more miles together.

I sat in my new-to-me car last night as it received the third oil change since our relationship began. Yes, logged a lot of miles - 13,451 km's to be exact. When my oil changer showed me the cabin air filter he changed, my heart sank. I honestly thought every conceivable nook and cranny had been checked, changed, cleaned &/or replaced. The condition of this filter was atrocious. It appeared to have filtered everything but a dead mouse.

I hope my car appreciates all I have done for it and rewards me with approximately 13,451 km's of worry-free miles now.

We have spent a lot of time together and I am really starting to bond with this hunk of metal. I am comfortable behind the wheel. I appreciate every mile we travel together. Each and every time we make it safely to our destination and back home again, I feel my car trust issues starting to fade. 

The freedom this new car has brought into our lives has been immeasurable. My son inherited my old car and that car has given him what he has needed to get him to school and back, then to work and back. It has given him what he needs to be independent, while me and my new car have been bonding over the many highway miles we have travelled together. 

I despise this dependency I have with my car. I miss my old world where my work came to me and all I needed my car for was to run errands and make the occasional trip. 

My new world consists of a life where I must leave the house and drive off to earn a living. I miss being home. Each and every time the lawn is mowed, all I can think of is the waste. We have a house and yard that are not being utilized. But they still need to be maintained. 

I was chatting with my son yesterday and heard myself say that all I want is a life where I am not concerned about money. I just want to have what I need and not have to worry. 

Then I stopped and reminded myself that "that" is exactly what I have right now.

I spend money that needs to be spent. There is not one job I have that I would give up if money was no object. I go out to see Mom whenever I feel the urge to go. I have a pick up and go life, where my priorities are straight and I'm living a life without regrets. 

Having all the money in the world would not change a thing. In fact, the one and only thing it may affect would be my ability to go out and buy a brand new car. But do you know where that would get me? Exactly where I was at the beginning of this post. I would have to learn to trust another vehicle once again. Brand new or used - my trust issues with anything that is new to me is a growing curve. I don't like change. I have the ability to adapt but it is uncomfortable, scary and costly.

Do you hear me, "Life"? I like things as they are. I appreciate all I have and all the relationships I have built within this little world of mine. It is a good little life. Thank you.

I just reread this post and the sentence that truly says it all is this:

"The more I invested in this relationship, the more I began to trust it."

Isn't that the truth of any relationship? I believe that is a whole new post on its own one day. I hope I continue to rekindle this relationship with my writing and come back to that one day very soon...

Strange Things Are Happening to Me

I was wide awake twenty minutes before my alarm went off again this morning. I think this has been happening for at least a week now. Maybe more. My alarm is set for 5:00 a.m., it is pitch black outside and I've been going to bed later. This is nothing short of a miracle. I love it!

I love the quiet of the morning and I have been sabotaging my own happiness by sleeping through this, the happiest part of my day. I wake up motivated to get as much done before the rest of the world seeps into my day.

What to do? Where to start?

Unfortunately, I have replaced my addiction to TV watching with on-line selling. I started selling off my excess daycare wares two weeks ago and I'm still going strong. I have made $343.25 to date and I have 16 more items up for bid at the moment. My goal of selling $50 per week is being exceeded but far better than that, I seem to have regained a foothold on the excess that was taking over my life. I am finally willing and ready to let go.

It was not so very long ago when I opened a drawer or a cupboard or focused on the clutter within the garage and I felt defeated. I was overwhelmed. I had a sickly attachment to "stuff" and deciding what to purge felt akin to deciding which toe I could live without. There was a physical and emotional hold which resulted in a lot of television watching and sleeping in lieu of "cutting off a toe".

Granted, the decision to close my daycare has been a catalyst for this change. If this decision wasn't so right for me right now, I wouldn't find this process so easy. It is not just letting go of "the stuff", it is letting go of the lifestyle. Our house is not going to look like and BE a daycare. If not a daycare, then "what"?

I know that part of my fascination with the Home and Garden network comes from the idea of wondering what our home could be transformed into next. The entire time I was babysitting, I wished for the HGTV network to knock on my door and offer to do a renovation on creating "convertible spaces" within my home. Somewhat akin to how a Murphy bed disappears into a wall when not in use as a bed, I wished for a home where booster seats, playpens and play areas could "vanish into a wall" the moment my daycare day ended.

My goal is to make our house "work" for me. It has served well as a daycare for the better part of the last 18 years. It has been done a very good job. But what now? What can I do to help this house pay its own way in the world?

My dream goal has been to open a Bed and Breakfast. Ever since I stayed in my very first B & B in 2005, I knew "that" was it for me. That was the direction I wanted to work towards. My dream was open a B & B, do bookkeeping on the side and write. Just write.

I'm at a crossroad now. My daycare days must end. It is hard but it is necessary. Now it is time to transform my world and turn it into what I have been dreaming of.

As I dig into the closets, drawers, garage, playhouse, nooks and crannies around here I am not yet "cleaning". I am purging. Simply erasing the identity of what once lived here. This house has to work for me. I don't think Scott McGillivray is going to drop by and turn my main floor into a fully independent rent-able space for me, while he pats me on the back and applauds me for choosing the downstairs suite as my own home. I know I would have his approval but I know just as certainly, that he won't offer to do it for free because it would make a good half hour segment on his rental property TV series.

Since I can't count on Scott, I must count on myself. I don't have the funds for a full-on renovation. I must work with what I have. I don't have much. I have $343.25 from sold daycare assets but that may have to go towards groceries in the next month or two. I must start from where I AM and look forward.

I'm still looking off into the sunset and seeing the retreat I want to create. An oasis, a shelter from the storm, a quiet place for someone to go off, lose themselves and find themselves in the process. Yes, the dream is still very much alive. I'm glad.

But in the meantime, I must pay the bills around here. Am I scared? No. Am I nervous? Amazingly not. Do I know what I want? Hmmm.

My very wise son sat down with me and looked at me rather incredulously when I told him this. It was that look of "Who are you and where is my mother??" It was a look of "Oh no. Has she slipped from reality and relying solely on 'faith' to get her where she needs to go next?" He reworded his question and said, "Really now. Where do you see yourself going? What is your end goal? What does retirement look like to you?"

I slipped into my newfound peaceful spot and told him this:

First of all, I need to fix "me". I need to get happy, stay happy and like myself again. I need to start from there and move forward. That is the gift "the next three months" of forced slowdown in my daycare world has given me.

Secondly, I need to get financially independent &/or solvent. I may never earn what I can earn from my daycare again. This is sobering. I liked my lifestyle. I didn't go crazy and wild, but if I wanted something I could buy it. If I wanted to give someone a gift, I didn't have to think twice about it. I gave and did and spent what I wanted. I don't need extravagance but I do want stability and comfort.

Thirdly, once I am all grounded and happy as well as self supporting and independent, I would like to get married. Yes, "get married" slipped off the tip of my tongue before I censored myself. "Get married", as in I want an equal partner in life to walk beside me as I go forward from here. Once I have my feet firmly planted on the ground again and am content in the life I have built, I want to find a companion, a partner, a yin to my yang.

"In Chinese philosophy, yin and yang (also yin-yang or yin yang, 陰陽 yīnyáng "dark—bright") describe how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another." ~ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yin_and_yang

I am looking toward the future with great hope and a healthy dose of anticipation. Do I know all the answers? Not in a heartbeat. Am I nervous? Truth be told, I can't dwell on that right now. But I have the very same feeling I had when I moved to Saskatoon 29 years ago. It's going to be okay. I know this with every fibre of my being. “Everything will be all right in the end. If it’s not all right, it is not yet the end” ~ Patel, Hotel Manager, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”~ Joseph Campbell

I feel like I'm starting to live in my "Field of Dreams" again. If I build it, they will come...

Life isn’t a project to be completed; it is an unknowable landscape to be explored. Be open and excited for whatever terrain you encounter this weekend....Or as the Swedish army manual says, “If the terrain and the map do not agree, follow the terrain”. ~ Project Happiness 

Trusting the Moment

"The world knows. Don't rush the moment. Trust in the moment you are in." These are the words I typed at 7:23 yesterday morning. Five minutes later, my world as I know it started to change dramatically. By the end of the day I discovered life as I know it is going to be completely upended within three weeks.

I gave my daycare families four months notice that I was closing my daycare at the end of the year. I knew this could happen. I just didn't think it would happen so suddenly. By the end of this month, only fourteen daycare days away, I will be down to taking care of one child. One. 

One mouth to feed, one child to watch over, one nap time, one child, no other friends. One income. I have three weeks of income at my regularly budgeted amount. Then I'm down to "one" - 20% of the income I was anticipating for the remainder of the year. Yikes.

"The world knows. Don't rush the moment. Trust in the moment you are in."

Deep breath. Okay. I knew this could happen. I didn't think it would happen. I needed it to happen. It's okay. I'm okay. This is happening for a reason. 

I was somewhat concerned that after my mini breakdown during my summer holiday, that I would end up running my daycare until Christmas, the Christmas holiday would be a blur and I would be starting a full time bookkeeping job immediately thereafter. I wouldn't end up with a break. I knew I needed a break. I am now getting a break. A pretty big one in fact.

The last daycare child standing is going to become a big sister in December. I may only have her until the end of November. I may end up with close to a month off. 

This is scary. This is exciting. This is big. Change is happening and I'm actually going to have the time to embrace it, move with it and I will be forced not to take any flying leaps into the unknown. Because I will still have one child to tend. I will still need to be available nine hours a day, five days a week. I can't jump because I still have a responsibility here.

I'm grateful I simply cannot leap right now. This precipice is a little bit scary but it is exactly where I want to be. I didn't want to jump directly into another full time job when I closed up my daycare. This is exactly what I wanted. The reality is a little more nerve wracking than I expected. But I am leaning into it and trusting this is exactly where I need to be.

What Brutiful Moment Am I In?

Brutiful, as defined by Glennon Doyle Melton - "adj.: Life is brutal. And life is beautiful. Brutiful, I call it. Life’s brutal and beautiful are woven together so tightly they are inseparable. We must embrace both or neither. If we reject the brutal, we reject the beautiful. Our problems stem from our refusal to surrender to the fact that life is truly more brutal and beautiful than we can imagine. We must let it be. Breathe deeply and know that if we let it come and feel it all – the brutal will make us kinder, softer, stronger, even more beautiful."

Glennon and Brené Brown have teamed up and invited the world to join them. I simply sat back and listened/watched the videos they prepared for Lesson 1 in their collaborative course on "The Wisdom of Storytelling". There is much food for thought in those minutes of conversation between two of my friends who do not yet know me.

One statement resonated with me after I walked away. "Every eviction becomes an invitation". An "eviction" can be defined in a myriad of ways. A broken relationship, a death, the end of a job, a child moving up/growing up/moving on. Anything that defines a part of your life that can be taken away can serve as an eviction.

I thought of the precipice I am presently standing on and suddenly felt a wave of relief. Life is scary for me in the moment I'm in because I've been served "eviction notice" in several areas of my life. Nothing has changed yet but it could in a New York Minute.

My job is changing. My youngest son is an adult. I am concerned about Mom living on her own. I woke up one morning during my holiday knowing I could take all of this and use it as a launching point to make some big changes within my world. I could pack everything up and start over if it was necessary right now. The world had other plans but internally, I have changed.

Nothing has changed except for the fact that I will reroute my income earning abilities by the end of the year. This one change could become the catalyst of many things. It opens doors and gives me some freedom of choice. But as of the moment, all remains the same. Except what is going on inside of me.

Change is in the air and it has transformed me from the inside, out. I feel different. I feel better. I feel more capable. I feel more powerful than I've felt in a very long time.

There is a reason nothing has changed outwardly. I am where I need to be. I still have work to do within my home and family. I need to continue on in the role I am in right now for a while longer. I need to trust this moment.

But as it was when I was ready to make a sudden move almost 29 years ago, I am just as ready to move back right now. I was waiting for an "invitation", a green light, the right time and place 29 years ago. So I was ready to jump when the window of opportunity opened. I feel like I am back in the same place right now.

"Not yet" is the message I am feeling, living and receiving at the moment. Not yet ... But I am streamlining my world so I'm ready to go when the time is right. It is just not now.

This was my Sunday morning message from "Project Happines" yesterday morning:

Project Happiness http://www.projecthappiness.org/

#SoulSunday Challenge: Try this radical trust today - As the events of your day unfold, honor each with the acknowledgement, "Right on time." This dissolves resistance to what-is, and if you practice it enough, don't be surprised if someday soon you look around and notice the events of your life lining up in your favor...right on time. 

The world knows. Don't rush the moment. Trust in the moment you are in.

Trust Shattered

It is amazing how quickly we learn to distrust, isn't it?

Trusting people is second nature to me. Why wouldn't I believe what people say? What have they done to prove themselves untrustworthy?

I do have a suspicious nature and my spidey senses do tend to tingle when something (or someone) seems to be too good to be true. But even then, I try to take a step back, research a little (gotta love "Google") and wait before I slap a label on a person or incident.

My most recent story comes from the give-away items I have posted and several on-line auction sales.

My stats are these:

Free items - a total of twenty one items were given away to eighteen different people (a few people took me up on a few offers). Other than the frustration of promising an item to someone who was an hour late in picking it up and declining numerous other offers as I awaited pick-up, I had a 100% rate of people following through on their promises.

Auction site sales - out of a total of twelve sold items and ten pick-ups, nine out of ten of those people followed through as agreed. Ninety percent.

One person tainted my 100% success rate within both of these stats. One person out of twenty eight. Yet now I am officially jaded.

I have often pondered over the fact that some people seem to have such a negative view on the world, people and issues of trust.

In my little utopian world of believing trust begets trust and do unto others as you'd have them do unto you and believing in people, I thought the distrusters of the world must have a different philosophy than me, thus this distrust of the human race.

After this week? I am beginning to believe that perhaps their experience with the world has been just slightly worse than mine. Two out of twenty eight would make me grumpier than I became with just "one". Three? And I may have never trusted again.

I think of when the trust I valued over every single other thing within a relationship was broken. I shattered into a million/trillion tiny shattered pieces. Because I trusted this person implicitly. One incident out of a million/trillion and I broke.

I think of the relationship I had that was built on distrust. He lied to me so much I never trusted him. So I didn't break into a million pieces when that relationship ended. Instead, I finally started piecing myself back together.

Trust.

It is everything in my world. I would rather hear a truth that hurts me to the core of my being over a lie any day of the week.

So there, Auction Site Winner!! You didn't break me. But you shattered my 100% success rate. But guess what? Another buyer wanted that item anyway. She will pick it up today. I trust her. Implicitly. Because she proved herself trustworthy the first time she made a promise.

I still win.

It is more than selling my item to the second highest bidder. It is because I'm willing to trust again.

P.S. In other "news" a potential daycare family from Columbia, who I have been corresponding with via the Internets over the course of the past three months sent me a message from Toronto last night. They will be in Saskatoon today. We will meet this week. And do you know what? Even though my spidey senses were on fire when I read her first message (who looks for a daycare when live half a world away??), when she didn't do any of the things scam artist do, to try and con an unsuspecting victim out of their money, I started to trust her. Now that she is this close, I can say I DO trust her.

Trust is a gift. Embrace it when you can and hopefully it will attract more trust worthy people into your life. Hopefully. Because now that I know the reality of how one incident can jade a person, I understand your distrustfulness. Or at least I'm trying to.