The Tipping Point

What is your tipping point? What is the point where a series of small events add up to the point of a critical change? What is that "last straw"?

I can pinpoint the sequence of events, times and events leading up to my own personal points-of-no-return. I like to think I have a pretty strong threshold of compassion, endurance and understanding. But there comes a time when that ONE last thing pushes the limit and I'm done.

My marriage was one of those tests of endurance. There were multiple infractions made by both parties. The arguments were plentiful, loud and excessive. The make-ups were equal in their emotional levels. But each negative action kept taking its toll. Each make-up session became a little less meaningful. One by one, day by day, action by action it all added up. Until that ONE last time. And I was done.

Did I plan to leave? No. But I had been mentally preparing for what I subconsciously knew was inevitable. 

It was the straw that broke the camel's back. So insignificant but just that one final blow.

There is a lot of talk about "boundaries", "toxic relationships" and a vast array of similar discussions about situations which necessitate walking away, restarting or dealing with people at arm's length in order to restore a person's mental and physical well being.

I can think of relationships, jobs and situations where I felt backed into a corner and had to take a stand. 

During my daycare days, this evolution became a positive one. My need to set firm boundaries and establish a set of expectations turned into newsletters and there was a renewed sense of appreciation after clearing the air in a firm but respectful manner. 

I became better at setting my own personal boundaries during my daycare career.

Boundaries can even spill over into what was once the highlight of my week. Ballroom dancing. While I danced, I loved every moment and everything about it. Everything. Without exception. Until I didn't. One day, I was paying good money to do something that no longer brought me joy. My feet hurt. I felt stressed during my lesson. I wanted to be home with my dying cat. I was done. I was just done. 

Boundaries shift and change and evolve. Communication is a two way street and when both parties are effective at their side of the conversation, meaningful change can take place. Sometimes the answer is not an answer. It is simply time to move on.

Life is fluid, ever changing and evolving. When I hear of marriages that endure all of the above I am in absolute awe. I have an incredible amount of respect for people who work through their ever changing relationship, stay together and still respect one another. 

I have been asked to ponder the reason why I am unable to retire on many occasions. The short answer? I'm a quitter. I reached my tipping point on too many occasions.

IF I had stayed with the first job I ever held, took out a pension, topped it up to the maximum I was allowed, kept that pension intact and added onto it throughout my working life, I would have 41 years worth of savings accumulated. I could be sitting on a comfortable little nest egg.

IF I had stayed in my marriage, I cannot even begin to imagine where I would be right now. If I had stayed married, I would not have found myself in that first job with an offer of a pension.

IF I had stayed in a bad marriage. IF I had lived for my pension. IF I had stayed in a secure job instead of striking out on my own and opening a daycare. If I had focused on making a living instead of making a life. If ... if ... if ...

I stayed in "none of the above". I am not set up to retire. All because for one reason or another, I reached the point of no return within a marriage, a job, a home, a life style or any of the other reasons I chose to walk away and restart from where I was.

I'm grateful for where I am today. I wouldn't be here if I had walked this walk any other way. My back is stronger because I have learned to honor my own personal boundaries. Honoring my calling to "just be a mom" has strengthened not only myself but all of my relationships.

I am so grateful for all of the points of no return. The "I'm done" moments. The opportunity to restart from where I was.

I am also a little afraid. My boundaries feel a little stretched at times because at this age and stage of my life, I don't like the idea of restarting from where I am. I just want to coast.

I have a feeling my inevitable retirement may take the form of my marriage:

Do I plan to quit work? No. But I have been mentally preparing for what I subconsciously know will one day be inevitable. 

It's all going to work its way out. In its own time, in its own way. In the meantime, I trust that I am exactly where I am meant to be and I am ever grateful for my employment. While I have it, I will appreciate and be grateful for it. For one day, this will all change.

Like the end of my marriage ... I just hope I'm mentally prepared for it when it happens.

Multitasking

Multitasking - the art of successfully accomplishing multiple tasks at the same time. At one point, I considered myself an efficient multi-tasker. 

I hit my stride during my daycare days. I could serve lunch to a table full of pre-schoolers, feed the babies two at a time, refill plates of the toddlers, catch something before it hit the floor, watch over table manners and behaviour, while eating my lunch at the same time. 

I ran a well oiled machine here in those days. There was much to be done and only one person to do it. No choice. No problem. 

I didn't have time to think. I simply had time to act. I did what had to be done. 

Fast forward to the present. I now have a very difficult time asking a question and listening to the response in the appropriate time it takes a person to have a conversation. My attention span is that of a gnat. I have much to do and nothing seems to be getting done. 

This morning I turned on the news to watch a recap of Trudeau's COVID-19 update. I haven't watched the news for several weeks so I was amazed with the changes since I last tuned in. Not only do they have one person in the corner communicating in sign language, they have a second person in the other corner signing different hand gestures, while a third narrator is translating French to English.

What?!

Is there one sign language for French and another for English? I guess I assumed sign language was universal. I must be wrong. How in the world do they listen and translate simultaneously? I have tried listening to two people talk at the same time and hear neither. These people are listening, speaking, signing and are able to keep up with what is being said while translating what they just heard.

Color me impressed.

They suggest learning to dance, playing a musical instrument, taking different routes to your destination and doing crosswords as exercises to keep your brain functioning at its best. I'll bet these translators could do all three of the above at the same time and beat me to my destination. I'd love to see the neurotransmitters firing as they manage to listen, interpret, communicate and continue to listen at the same time. Their brains must be on fire.

I am grateful when someone doesn't ask me to repeat something I just heard. I don't gossip because I don't remember enough to retell a story. I don't change where I put something, nor do I do I hide something of value because I'm afraid I will never find it again.

Whatever you do, don't ask me what Trudeau may or may not have said in yesterday's news. I was too busy marveling at the efficiency of each of the translators. Meanwhile, I was thinking of Mom's comment when Trudeau was up for election. She said (something to the effect of) that he would get her vote because of the way he looked. Of all the things to be grateful for during this global pandemic, isn't it nice to have a rather good looking prime minister to look at while you tune into the morning news? 

Now what was I just writing about??

Weary

There is a weariness I feel that has nothing to do with physical exhaustion. I feel completely and totally spent.

A good night's sleep doesn't cure me. Nor does a regularly scheduled weekend. But thankfully I do get enough of both of these to allow me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and making it to through the days and the weeks.

The antidote to my weariness is finding lightness of heart wherever the opportunity presents itself.

• Spotting a rabbit
• Spending time with family
• Losing myself in a mindless piece of fiction
• Laughter 
• Quiet ... just plain quiet
• Turning off all the connections to the world

I know a good long walk would cure much of what ails me. Walking conditions are not ideal right now but this too shall pass. Spending time appreciating nature and its ever changing landscape feels like oxygen for my soul.

Being outside, even if it is as simple as sitting in my own back yard calms me. Sitting in a sunbeam in the late stages of winter and the early phases of spring is one of my most favorite things.

As I came upon the realization of all that is within my reach but feels so unattainable at times, I couldn't help but think of my days of daycaring. 

• I took my little daycare family outside at every opportunity
• We walked everywhere and played "I Spy" as we made our way through the residential streets
• We discovered an "Enchanted Forest" where the kids could run through the paths and just be kids
• We marveled at the signs of spring, spotting the first robin, watching an industrious ant carry something ten times its weight, collecting lady bugs and setting them free
• Savoring the moments sitting in a sunbeam in the winter and early spring
• We collected rocks, leaves and any mystical treasures we found along the way
• Finding wonder by looking at life through the eyes of a child was one of the best gifts I received throughout my years of caring for children
• Watching over and listening to contented children at play felt quite literally like heaven right here on earth

I was spent at the end of my daycare days but it was a more well rounded kind of exhaustion. The physical output added with a generous dose of outdoors was offset with "quiet time". Despite the chaos at times, there was a sense of balance to those days.

My present day life is far too sedentary. The need to be "on" all day, every day exhausts me. I know I am exactly where I am meant to be right now and life as I know it could change in a heartbeat. But for the first time in a very long time, I feel I may be the one who cracks under the pressure.

Julia Cameron prescribes daily writing to purge one's early morning thoughts + solitary walks + a date with yourself, for yourself. Julia has recommended exactly what I didn't know I needed and I have been resisting her advise. 

Today is the day. I will make an Artist's Date for myself, by myself. I will fill my soul so my soul has more to give to tomorrow.

I will get up tomorrow morning and write three pages of long hand. I will purge any negativity before the day begins and subconsciously come up with an action plan. Walking? I will find a way. I will.

What can you do to initiate a plan to rejuvenate your weary soul? Little things. It is all in the little things. Try to come up with one small sustainable action you can institute into your routine. 

This is easier said than done. I know. Just try ... and if it doesn't happen today, try again another day. Just don't give up.

January Thoughts

I did all the "hard things" yesterday morning and have found myself with time on my hands and a cup of coffee at my side. I shall stop by and visit for a while ...

There are so many catastrophic events happening in the world which makes any of the petty little worries I have feel small.

In light of that thought, life is ambling along quite well. It is starting to feel like January and I am grateful every time our furnace kicks in when I hike up the heat a notch and every single time the car starts and takes us to our destinations and back.

Do I miss my daycare days when I didn't have to leave the house, start the car or battle the elements other than what was required to tend to my daycare family? You bet.

Every time I think these thoughts I wonder how I can conspire to bring that-which-was-good about daycaring into my present day life. I had a routine that worked well.

I tended to all that needed to be tended before my daycare day began at 7:30 a.m.
We aimed to be ready to go for a walk, go outside or find some "adventure" by 9:00 a.m.
Lunch was at a regularly scheduled time and a balanced offering of all the food groups were offered.
Quiet time followed lunch time. Oh, how I miss quiet time!
This was followed by snack time, outdoor time as long as the weather allowed as our day wound down to a close.
I often had supper prepared and ready to consume as soon as my last daycare child left around 5:30 p.m.
The remainder of the day was mine to do with as I pleased.

What I would like to reinstate:

Complete all my household/personal tasks by 7:30
Eat regular and balanced meals
Walk
Spend time outside and simply breathe in fresh air and notice the wonders of nature
Quiet time
Work responsibilities end by 6:00 p.m.

These are not lofty goals. I cannot attain every item on my list. But I could tackle a few. In fact, I should be able to accomplish most. My work hours are presently out of my control. The time of day when I can work in my "quiet time" is not when I would prefer, but it exists.

The days are cold but the sun is shining a little longer each day. Spring is not yet around the corner but it will come.

We Have What We Need All Along

I find my day goes better if I simply ride the wave and go with the flow of the tide, wherever the wind blows or simply wherever the next step takes me.

My Tuesday is the equivalent of most people's Monday. It is my first day back into the real world of work, obligations, expectations and (hardest of all) leaving the house for ten hour stretches at a time.

I walked into my work week filled with angst like feelings. I couldn't quite shake them until I reached the end of my day and had to be satisfied with "I did my best".

I walked into yesterday feeling anxious and googled my own blog to find other posts written in angst. I found a little gem where I wrote about a daycare day where no one was meeting anyone's expectations of the day and it went from bad to worse. This was the post which I wrote next:

Right in Our Own Back Yard

This is how I ended my last post:

"Set yourself free today. Don't follow the rules (or mow your lawn or pick your weeds). Let the day flow in and through you just the way it wants to. Don't fight the flow. And see how it goes.

There is beauty in letting the day wash through you. I think I need to take a piece of my own advice. If I'm still standing at the end of the day, I'll try and update you."

Then? I proceeded to follow my own advice and had a most excellent day.

We rolled with the punches. All day. And the day went amazingly well.

We followed where the day took us and even though it didn't take us any further than our own back yard, we had a completely different view and the day took on a glow.

Some clouds rolled in and shaded our deck in the morning so we played in the shade, watched a hydrovac truck pull out our fence post and then the kids got the best gift of all. The guy who pulled out our post invited them to come have a look at the hole he made, a tour of his truck and [insert drum roll here] they got to go "rock picking" in the back alley while we were there.

They brought their rocks back onto the deck with them and they provided no end of entertainment. Peace, contentment and joy were all wrapped up into our morning and I didn't even have to apply sunscreen!

After nap time, my son rigged up a sprinkler hose atop the deck railing and we endured the heatwave in an imaginative and interactive way.

I didn't fight the flow and the day provided exactly what we needed. 

Add a big, noisy truck, a few clouds when needed, some rocks and some water and it equalled contentment in my little world. 

As an added bonus, our fence is finally fixed, so next week we have full run of the back yard again.

Everything we needed was right in our own back yard. Isn't that often the case?

Go ahead and live your day as it unfolds. Do your best. Sometimes what we need the most is right in front of us. We simply have to notice we have what need all along.

A Little More on Angst

When I woke up feeling a little angsty this morning, I searched the word "angst" on my blog and came up with this post from the past. I wrote this during the height of some of my daycaring stresses and I still found the lessons hidden within the toughest of days. It is my hope I will always keep looking for the nuggets of wisdom hidden within the toughest of days.

Here is a little blast from my past, written 4-1/2 years ago:

FRIDAY, JUNE 26, 2015

Angst

Angst -  a feeling of anxiety, apprehension, or insecurity

Yes, "angst" is a good word for the way I woke up this morning.

I haven't been rolling with this week very well.  I think I need a holiday. Kid-chatter is grating on my last nerve.

Scene from my two days ago:

Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Uh-huh.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Yes I do.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Yes, I like your dress.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Yes. I like your pretty dress.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: YES, AND I HEARD YOU THE FIRST FOUR TIMES YOU TOLD ME! [fail, I know]

Scene from yesterday:

Me: Who has an idea what to have for snack today?
Child 1: I do.
Child 2: No, I do!
Child 3: NO! I DO!!
Me: Okay, what is your idea?
Child 1, 2 and 3: Silence

Yesterday morning started out with a large, suspicious wet spot on the couch. My Little Guy, who had just arrived and didn't want to eat breakfast with us and sat on the couch, had an overfilled diaper that leaked onto the couch.

The cleaning-of-the-couch process drew children to me, like bees to honey. And I wasn't feeling too terribly sweet. So I turned on the "Bubble Guppies" and begged them to watch it and sit on the love seat, where they always sit, not on the couch. You would have thought I was asking for the moon.

So ... we finally made it out the door and we had walked fifteen minutes towards a spray park to find a cool way to beat the heat when this conversation took place:

Little Boy #2: [indeterminable mumbling preceded the words] ... poopin'.
Me: [immediately remembering I had failed to take him to the bathroom just before we left, although he had gone immediately after breakfast and we would have been out the door shortly thereafter, if it wasn't for the Wet Couch Incident] You have to go poop?
Little Boy #2: Yup

I couldn't be frustrated. It was my fault. We turned on a dime, headed home, took him to the bathroom. And by then, he didn't have to go.

So we headed back towards the park and all went well. We got home, had a quick lunch, watched a little bit of a movie and everyone headed towards those minutes of the day I love the best. Quiet time.

I usually get twenty minutes to myself during that time. Then I get the older ones up so they can watch a movie and I have an added half hour of them watching a movie while I start to update our daycare blog. Those quiet minutes get me through the day. When I don't get them? I am depleted.

Yesterday? I didn't get them.

Little Boy #1 woke up an hour ahead of schedule. He is a dynamo. He bounces off the couches. Literally. He needs to climb, be active, diversity and he really thrives in a no-rules-zone. I need this little boy to sleep. He didn't.

It was hot, hot, hot outside yesterday. So I brought the water table out onto the shaded deck. This new activity brought no end of fun and bliss and contentment to our world last year. I was ready for some blissful, cool water fun. It would save the day.

Little Boy #1 was not here last year. He LOVED the water. But no one else could enjoy the water play because he saturated everything and everybody in sight. It was a "two part" table, so I moved him over to the other half so he could play any which way he wanted to play and not soak everyone else. He didn't like that idea. He wanted to be where everyone else was. Then he climbed onto/into the water table. Not once. Not twice. Three times. The water table is not meant to be sat in.

Little Boy #2 saw LB #1 climbing in the table so he thought it would be just fine to sit on it as well. Not once. Not twice. But three times.

I dumped the water and hid the table in the garage.

Little Boy #2 was angry with me for taking away the only fun thing there was to do. I begged my son to come outside with me. I desperately needed to communicate with someone over the age of three. He didn't want to be there and when he saw my exasperation levels he simply said, "I don't know why you didn't just take them downstairs".

"Because I am being a good, creative and fun babysitter, That is why! I'm doing the right things but the wrong things are happening!! THAT'S why!"

Well, I didn't really say that. But I did think it.

Why do the wrong things happen when you do what you do for all the right reasons? Could it be because nothing I offered the kids came from a place of joy? It was all guilt and trying to do the right thing.

Thus, I woke this morning [is it just me, or is this not the longest week in the history of man???], feeling very apprehensive about the day ahead of me. I am anxious because I really don't know what to do with my little energizer bunny who is sick to death of the confines of our house and yard. And I am feeling insecure because I should be better than this.

I know better but I'm not doing better.

Angst. Yes, that is me today. It can only get better. Right?

Good things do not come from a place of guilt and obligation. Good things come out of the smallest intentions, coming from a place of giving and joy.

I think we are going to go find bugs and stones today. Life is simpler that way.

One other quote from yesterday:

As we were walking to the waterpark (the first time), my three-year-old little girl saw a yard overgrown with a wild flower garden, unkempt and unmowed grass, filled with dandelions and clover in full bloom and she said in wonder, "Colleen! Look at the beautiful garden!!"

And do you know what? It was beautiful. It was unabandoned, unrestricted wild beauty. Mother Nature set free to do as she pleased. And it looked good.

Set yourself free today. Don't follow the rules (or mow your lawn or pick your weeds). Let the day flow in and through you just the way it wants to. Don't fight the flow. And see how it goes.

There is beauty in letting the day wash through you. I think I need to take a piece of my own advice. If I'm still standing at the end of the day, I'll try and update you.

"Colleen! What a beautiful garden!!"

The Good Old Days

How is it possible to lose the afterglow of a holiday so soon?

I have been back to work four days. I had a weekend after three of those days. Yet I woke up this morning feeling as if I was never away.

Exhaustion over-ruled any thoughts I may have had about how I would spend this past weekend. How can a person feel so worn out after working three days?

I woke up this morning and visions of my daycare days wafted through my mind. They were long days. They were challenging days. But we had quiet time. And I had some control over how I could manage my days.

Walks. Time at the park. Simply playing outside. Watching nature. Savoring the moments of children playing contentedly.

Even within the most challenging days, I was home. I was grounded. I could call a friend. Someone could drop by. I was home.

Another perk was the fact that I did not rely on my car. Winter is coming and if this car and I are going to weather the seasons ahead, I need to fix the stone chip in the windshield and look into getting better tires.

I liked working from home. I liked it a lot. I miss those good old days.

Spring

Spring is calling my name and I think I need to answer its call.

I am having flashbacks to my daycaring days and feeling the pull of becoming one with nature, sitting in a sunbeam, going for long walks and counting the signs of spring.

Spring was both my favorite and most dreaded season of the year while operating my daycare. With the warmer days came mud, puddles and mess. But it didn't take all that long for things to dry up so we could bask in the dawn of a new season of sunshine.

I just read something this morning that resonated within me and eased my guilt a little. It said while parenting, you may lose your mind a little bit. But you find your soul. I read the words and they settled deep inside me. It described how I felt while I ran my daycare.

I miss my daycare days at times.

Sleep, good food, fresh air and exercise cured a lot of what ailed the children under my care. Sometimes they needed a little time out. Sometimes they needed a little extra attention. There were very few things a nap didn't cure.

Now, I walk through my days and those who I spend my time with need much of what my younger daycare crowd needed. But it's all out of my control. I can suggest. I can hope. I can try. But mostly I listen.

I miss the complexity combined with the simplicity of watching over my little ones. I miss the "heaven on earth" moments where all I did was simply hover and enjoy the moments in the sun. The moments when no one knew I was watching. The moments of harmony, innocence and pure unadulterated joy.

Unadulterated. What a word. We become adults and our childlike joy and innocence becomes lost to us.

A friend of mine said it best when she compared her world where she devoted her time and energy to her aging parents, to my daycare world. She said while I was a part of helping young people become more independent, her time was spent walking by her parents' side as they lost their independence.

Aging is not for the faint of heart.

Oh, how I crave to simply sit in a sunbeam and listen to my older friends reminisce about the seasons of their lives. I long for fresh air, sun, laughter and joy. I need to find it so I can share it with those around me.

I wish to find a way to bring that sunshine and light into our day. Everyone needs a dose of childlike innocence and joy.

I want to walk through a pasture and look for the first crocus. I want to be still and have a rabbit cross my path so I can marvel at its transformation from winter white to the springtime evolution to its summer browns. I want to listen to the birds and watch for the migration of the southern birds coming north for the next few seasons.

Most of all, I want to do all of the above before the ticks, canker worms and mosquitoes wake up. This season is short. I just want to hold onto that which brings me joy and feel a little of the "soul" I remember from my daycaring days...

Questions That Make Me Ponder

I drop by to visit my aunt on a regular basis. Our visits have become routine, somewhat repetitive and familiar. She often asks me the same questions and yesterday as I listened to my own answers, I heard something I have never heard before.

Q: Do you miss your daycare?
A: No

Later on, she asked me:

Q: Do you miss dancing?
A: No

I shook my head at the realization that despite the differences within those two questions, the similarity was in my answer.

Both of those times were perfect for me as I was living my life forward.

Yes, there were several challenges in running a daycare but those challenges strengthened me, made me a better communicator, instilled "writing" as my coping mechanism and brought out a part of myself I may never had found, had I not stuck with my daycare through thick and thin.

As challenging as some moments were, they were heavily outnumbered by the mundane, routine and speckled with an assortment of "Heaven on Earth" moments. Watching children contentedly at play, when they have no idea you are watching them is bliss. Pure bliss.

I had to quit daycaring when the challenges outweighed the bliss on a much-too-regular basis. It wasn't an easy decision but it was the right one. I quit for the sake of the children. They needed a more joyful daycare provider. Though I had felt joyful during the majority of my daycare days, it subsided by the end of my daycare career.

It was time to move on. No regrets.

Now dancing on the other hand, was joy. Pure, unadulterated fun and joy. My heart soared during those days. I forgot the world outside the moment I walked through the dance studio doors. Music, laughter, movement, human contact and sharing a passion for dancing within a room of people who felt the same way? There was nothing like it.

I loved every moment of my years within the walls of the dance studio. In the end, a shortage of men to dance with, combined with a shortage of money and bad feet made my decision to stop dancing easier than I ever thought it would be.

I can remember the last time I quit dancing (yes, I started and stopped dancing about as many times as I gave my long term relationships). But the last time? I was quite certain would be THE last time.

And it was. No regrets.

Dancing? Daycaring? These two activities couldn't be more different. Yet the similarity is: when it was time to let it go, I did. I have had no regrets. None.

My aunt asked me what my favorite job was. I didn't have an answer. I could quickly remember my least favorite. But my favorite? That was harder to pin down.

While I'm in the middle of whatever it is going on within my life, whether it is work, recreational or something I do "just for me", it is usually my favorite place to be at the time. When it stops feeling good over a long period of time (absolutely nothing is ideal 100% of the time), is when I start considering my options.

I ponder "where I am at" periodically. More than half the people who touch my life are retired. Again, my aunt asks me regularly about retirement and when I plan to retire. So I have considered my answer on several occasions.

I need to work. Not only because my budget tells me so, but I need it for "me". If I didn't work, I would be frittering away my days. I find this thoroughly enjoyable for a weekend, a holiday or any bonus hour or day that finds me. But for the rest of my life? I think I need more of a purpose than mindless frittering of time.

In a perfect world, I would work from home again. Ever since I ran my daycare and utilized every square inch of our home and yard, I "knew" our home was part of my ideal work situation. I still mull this idea over in my head regularly. Daycaring is definitely out. Senior care in my home? I think that would be too much. Opening a B & B or an Air BnB establishment? I toy with the idea. Renting part of our house? A border?

I don't know.

I just know I am exactly where I am meant to be right now. I have given up what stopped working for me in the past with no regrets. I'm moving into the future as surefooted as any other time in my past. When I look at "the rest of my life", it is too big to comprehend in one fell swoop. When I look at "this year and the next", I'm good with the here and now.

I'm grateful for my regular visits with my aunt. The repetitive questions which make me think, help me find parallels and focus my attention on my answers. I try to vary the content of my answers ever so slightly to keep the conversation fresh. In doing so, I find new perspective.

What questions make you ponder? How many different ways can you answer the same question? Can you find a new perspective by looking at the same scenario differently?

Life is a learning curve. We never stop learning. Everything we encounter is placed before us to teach us something. I value every little thing my aunt is helping me see.

The Need to Dream

June 9, 2016

"Kids playing together and simply getting along, going with the flow, challenging their limits, inventing their own games, singing their own songs and turning drab little pebbles into something beautiful in their minds is what "being a kid" is all about. Yes, it was a blissful kind of morning."

Those were my thoughts at the end of my daycare day exactly one year ago.

As I read the paragraphs that preceded and followed this moment of bliss, I was reminded of the challenges we were facing on a daily basis. I was wearing out. But I still found these "heaven on earth" moments within our chaotic days.

It has been seven months since I worked my last day of daycare. Seven months to refocus, restructure and recreate my life, my goals, myself and my dreams.

That sounds a little more romantic than the reality.

I have been lost more often than I have felt grounded. There is a conflict between feeling over-committed and underwhelmed all at the same time. I need to live a life where I feel like I am making a difference. In doing so, the self talk within my brain is over critical, harsh, demeaning and I am about the worst boss I've ever worked for.

I need to rebuild my reserves by carving out quiet time to recharge my battery. Yet when I have extra time on my hands, I waste it. I am not making effective use of the time I crave so much.

My most favorite place to be has become on the highway between my home and Mom's. I am forced to sit still with my thoughts, stay awake with them and not numb them with any form of technology, food or sleep. I am wide awake, alert and conscious. I love that feeling. I may have become addicted to driving in order to keep my focus "in my own lane".

I miss being home.

Thus, I have started romanticizing about days gone by. I loved having my work come to greet me in my home each and every day. The dress code was right, my feet were comfortable, extreme weather conditions didn't affect my day. As long as the furnace was working, our roof sheltered out the elements of the weather and we had food in the fridge, I had everything I needed right within these very four walls.

I miss my walls.

I have often walked through my life feeling immense gratitude for "my walls". A home where I felt safe, happy and protected from the harsher elements of life and the world around me has always centered me and made me feel whole. Even during the toughest days at daycare, I found my solace within these very walls.

I am hopeful summer will lessen the load I've carried throughout this past winter. I am starting to look up more these days. Up towards the sky, as I watch the birds. And out towards the great beyond as I keep my eyes open for wildlife of the four legged kind. Unfortunately I have spending far too much time looking down, in an effort to avoid the tent caterpillars which invaded our world the past several weeks.

The tent caterpillars are almost at the end of their season. They are spinning their cocoons and entering a phase of dormancy before they come back to life as winged creatures with a whole new vantage point.

Perhaps my need for solitude is my way of cocooning myself so I can find my wings again. Maybe my focus on birds and their young families is nature's way of reminding me to look up and be aware. It may be that my attention is being drawn towards new life as a reminder that there is something new and exciting ahead.

I have lost my ability to dream. I miss my dreams. I may have walked around with my head in the clouds as I dreamed my little dreams but those very dreams propelled me into living a fuller life and a happier existence.

I see a quiet weekend at home in my future. I do believe I need to find my little place in the sun, grab an empty notebook and dream a little dream.

I miss my dreams...

Messages From the World

The week has tuckered me out. I had three "hard things" to check off my calendar this week, with several weeks of equally "hard things" behind me.

Hard things are defined (by me) as anything that forces me out of bed too early, into the world, pushing my limits and making me uncomfortable. That encompasses a lot for a wannabe-hermit, like myself.

The best part of my daycaring career was not having to leave the house to go to work every morning (the second best part was the dress code - casual, comfortable attire and the lack of shoes). Sharing a roof with a houseful of little people made leaving the house a treat.

This past week was the first time, in the five months since my daycare closed, I actually longed for the good old days of daycaring.

Getting outside and breathing in the cool, fresh air of "spring" was one of our most anticipated and life affirming events of the year. The whole world became our playground. We walked, we talked, we noticed the robins, flowers, trees coming into bud and the color "green" returning to the landscape of our lives.

One of my favorite parts of daycaring was looking at the world around me through the eyes of a child. Even bug watching was akin to the way others may feel while watching the Olympics.

Ants are the hardest working insect I know and I loved noticing a tiny little ant carrying something ten times its size and pointing this out to my little humans. "Look at that ant! See what he is carrying?!" The lesson was almost anything is possible if you are willing to do the work and have the determined attitude of an ant.

I doubt my little two and three year olds retained the lesson but it was a good reminder for me as I went about my days of daycaring feeling like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders at times, as I tended to our days, routines and child care.

One of my other favorite things about my daycare days was quiet time. I couldn't have done my job without it. We carved out a solid one and a half hours (longer, if naps prevailed) of stillness and quiet. No TV, no background noise. Just the sound of quiet, restful breathing as my little ones nodded off, one by one.

I remained still myself during that hour or two of quiet. I miss that quiet time in the middle of the day. I wonder how I could incorporate a siesta time into my new line of work. I do believe we would all do better by taking that time to unplug, recharge and reboot our systems BEFORE those very systems decide to shut us down by whatever means are necessary.

One of my present jobs is bookkeeping. My bookkeeping boss is an incredibly wise, hard working and determined lady. She reminds me of an ant, in the way she carries a load that is far too heavy to carry at times.

We have been having trouble with the internet going down a lot this past week, which plays havoc on the wireless printer's ability to print what it has been told when the connection is down. Left to its own devices, the connection did reestablish itself on its own but it took time. As I put together a trouble shooting guide to assist my boss in case this should happen over the weekend, I illustrated my guide with a step by step process of exactly what to do when things went wrong. It's a boring little process but steps "5" and "6" are key to the process:

5. Once you see this "Fixed" message, you are done. But it takes a while for the printer to catch up and print. Go grab a cup of tea and come back in a few minutes and things should take care of itself.

6. Take this as a message from The World. When things don't work, REST! UNPLUG! WALK AWAY! and REBOOT your system. It means you are working too hard!!

The world is always sending us messages and cues to stop and smell the roses. Or count the first robins of spring. Or admire the wonders of nature in all its glory.

I may not have a daycare any more but I must retain all I learned from that educational time.

• Stop and enjoy the view. EVERY day.
• Go for walks.
• Have "quiet time". EVERY day.
• Rest! Unplug! Walk away! Reboot!

Now I must unplug and take care of today's errands so I can come home and do "all of the above". I hope you do the same.

The Quiet - Day 1

I have been so busy revelling in the day and taking full advantage of my ability to be flexible while tending one child that I haven't found time to sit still and write. It is now nap time in this daycare for one, my one child is sleeping soundly and this moment is mine. Let me savor it out loud.

First off, I had a restless night and for some reason couldn't fall back to sleep when I woke up in the middle of the night. Instead, I fell asleep within the last hour before my alarm went off at 5:00 a.m., so do you know what I did? I just kept on sleeping.

Miracle #1. I slept in and got up when I was good and ready. When I looked at the clock, I was delighted to discover I still had 2-1/2 hours at my disposal before my daycare daughter arrived. Her start time is an hour later than when everyone else arrived. I get a bonus hour in the morning. So far, I'm loving it!

My little girl wandered in and the first thing she noticed were the books which I had placed back on the book shelves. Books have NOT been respected or treated properly within this daycare setting. I have tried, tried and tried again. "Books are NOT toys!" Book hoarding, standing on books and using a book for any other reason than reading grates on my nerves. So I kept putting the books away. I brought them back out today and it was a delight to watch ONE child take ONE book, read it for a while and then exchange it for another book when she was finished with the first.

Then, she asked to go to the bathroom. Without three other warring children in my midst, assisting my little not-quite-2-year-old with her bathrooming needs was quick and easy. The last time we tried this, I believe I had two other children swinging from the chandelier while my back was turned. I exaggerate of course (I have a ceiling fan, not a chandelier), but you get the point. I made the grave error of flushing the toilet for her while the others were screaming for attention and she did not get rewarded properly. This morning? She had my full attention. It was a little thing but it was so big.

While she was in the hallway, she happened to notice the open bedroom doors. Doors could not remain open in my previous daycare world. No matter what I tried, no matter what the ages, no matter what combination of personalities were here, if children were out of my line of sight "bad things happened". So all doors remained closed so no one could wander out of my sight (it is no wonder that everyone's dream home "must have list" includes open concept - children must be watched. At all times). My little girl peeked in and glanced at me as if to say "Did you know this door was open?", to which I nodded and said, go on in. It's okay. You can play in there. Well! It was like Christmas in October.

My little girl played and played in her little doll tending oasis. I grabbed a cup of coffee and joined her. Jet came in to join us and he was treated to the same TLC my little girl was generously doling out to her dolls.

We were just stepping out of the play room and thinking about making some toast when my little one discovered the "library" of kid's books within easy access. The good just kept on getting better!

I wish I could say her early morning habit of "one book at a time" and putting her books back on the shelf where she found them remained intact. But she was happily singing along to our rainy day music book while I made our toast, so who was I to complain?

Our original plans included going for a walk but my son dropped by with coffee in hand so we forfeited those plans for the morning. The novelty of having a daycare zone resemble a home instead of having so many areas off limits made for a sense of newness in the air for my little girl, so I relaxed with the idea of simply going with the flow of the day and revelled in a good visit. We will walk later.

Having only ONE pick-up time (and a pretty stable one, at that) to work around means we can actually leave the premises after nap time. Having only one mouth to feed made it pretty easy to whip up a quick lunch. Clean up was a breeze, "bathrooming" for one is quick, story time could be as short or long as the moment dictated. Then when it came time to go to sleep, it was as simple as putting her to bed. No staggered nap times; no one who was awake throughout quiet time; no pussy footing around the one who always seemed to wake up crying. "One" may be pretty easy on me.

Except they do say "One is the loneliest number ...", so this could get a little trickier as the days go by and she realizes her friends are not coming over to play. One could prove to become a challenge on an ongoing basis. But for today? It feels pretty darn incredible.

I'm savoring this first day of quiet. I can't believe I'm getting paid for this!! The hourly rate isn't too high, so maybe this is pretty believable after all ...

The Quiet is Coming

It isn't really going to hit home until I start living through next week, but this is "it". This is the beginning of my time of great quiet. I sat still for a moment just now and heard all the ideas that have been popping into my head lately and I think I just may sound like a raving lunatic. Maybe I am. Maybe this is why my life has headed in this quiet direction. I just need to be calm, quiet, settle into this and see where things go from here.

The wind up of yesterday, my last day with three of my four daycare family was pretty anticlimactic. Thankfully we were all on our pretty good behaviour and we spent the day in a light and easy manner, doing some of our favorite things. When we got home from our morning adventure, everyone slept. Everyone. Even my little 3 year old girl who has been fighting nap time since she was a year old slept (she napped three times this week). We barely finished our snacks and parents arrived to pick up their children. We said our good-byes amid our plans to keep in touch, gave our mutual thank you's, wished each other the best and the door closed on that era of our lives together.

All I was left with was the remnants of a daycare to deal with and my work day was done. It took what remained of the evening, but I have dismantled all that I have erected and revised since my newest 1 year old joined our midst and I was spent. I was done. I was so done...

Jet thought he found himself a new cat bed when I set up this playpen in the middle of the living room so I could clean it up before selling it.

I woke up this morning to a clean slate. I don't have to work today and the hard work is behind me. All that is left to be done is to deal with (aka: sell) the excess and continue to wade through all I have collected within this house of ours over the course of the past few decades. I think I'll stick to the accumulation of daycare wares for the moment. It is enough for now.

I wandered through the kitchen this morning and mused over the idea that I will have the ability to wash the kitchen floor after a meal once again. Back in Daycare 1.0, I quite often not only swept but washed the floor after lunch. What a difference a generation makes! I have barely had time to sweep the floor more than once a week. I cannot even remember the last time the entire floor was washed down at once.

I sat down in the living room and marvelled at our new reality. Our house looks like I'm on holidays - NOT running a full on daycare. Yes, I still have a huge "ball house" set up in the living room. That house gets more play time than any other toy I own. It will remain a fixture in the living room until my daycare days are done. It is too big to get out the door, so it will have to be dismantled. Unless I decide to leave it set up for Jet.

Jet loves "all things daycare" - kids and toys included. He is going to be sooooo bored when our house becomes too quiet. I'm considering getting him a kitten.

The kids and I went for a walk to the pet store yesterday as part of our outing. We found a cat. I want him so badly. I know it is insane to think this way but I am having a hard time talking myself out of it. So far, so good. But I would just like to borrow him for a few days, to see how he would fit in our world. Exit "Daycare Lady" and in comes "Crazy Cat Lady". 

This is "Jax". He is up for adoption (for the cost of a donation!) at our friendly neighborhood pet store. He LOVES kids, is so playful, cuddly and he purrs. At least when he is meeting someone who has the potential to spring him from his cage.

It has not yet sunk in that I do not have to hoard the quiet and my energy quite yet. I have been given the gift of a two day weekend at the onset of my life as a daycare provider for "one" child. That is barely even a job. Yet I have this overwhelming feeling of needing to hold onto this moment tightly and not let it go. 

I'm ready for the quiet. I really am. I just have to trust that the serenity of the moment is going to last for as long as I need it.

This is the moment I'm in right now. I hope it's here to stay (or SHOULD we adopt another cat??)

The New Generation of Child Tending

There is a feeling of discontentment in the air within our last week of our full daycare compliment. Arguing has hit an all time high. My little (almost) 2 year old, who is staying on for a few more months after her daycare friends move on at the end of the week, is adopting the worst of everyone's habits. And I'm afraid I'm the worst of the bunch. My attitude is very much one of "I give up". If everything I have tried in the previous two years hasn't worked yet, why would it change when we have five, four, three days left to go?

The past few days, I was searching back in the archives of our daycare blogs in search of pictures I knew I had taken and information I had written down. When I looked back on one year ago, I saw the wide eyed innocence of two, 2-year-olds. Oh yes, the writing was on the wall and there was a foreboding of what was to follow. I saw the signs. I respected the signs and tried everything I knew how to do, to prevent it from happening. But the inevitable happened anyway.

Take one impressionable child and talk about the behaviours you want to stop in the presence of said child and what you set yourself up for is failure. The child soon learns, "Hmmm, when I do all "these" things [the behaviour one does NOT want to perpetrate], everyone talks about me." Why wouldn't this child keep doing the things that is getting them all this attention?

A 2-year-old hitting and being disrespectful to a parent is not acceptable in my books. If I was the parent, I would hope I would not talk about all the mean things my toddler is doing to me while my child is listening.

This same 2-year-old is now almost 4. He decided to whack his mom just as she was walking out the door yesterday morning. She looked up at me in an expression that said, "See? This is what I'm talking about." Then she told her child this was not acceptable behaviour. "It is okay to have emotions," then clarified "It is okay to be angry and frustrated. But you never hit someone. It is never okay to hit." Of course he cried, because this is what he does. Now Mom felt guilty and had to go to work. So she gave her child a big hug and told him she knew he was sorry. And she left for work leaving me with a child who believes it is okay to do whatever he wants to do and "sorry" is just one big "erase button".

I tell this same child sorry doesn't undo what he does. Sorry does NOT make it okay. Sorry doesn't cut it with me in our world here at daycare. I say this day in and day out. But one reward from a parent who gives him a big hug and tells him she knows he is sorry and reminds him and the world around him that he is a very sensitive child is teaching him to continue to do what he has been doing.

This same child does NOT know how to entertain himself. So he spends his day knocking over his 1-year-old brother, wanting "everyone to play with him", hates being excluded from anything (even if it is one of his friends simply wanting to play without him bugging them). He is a LOT of work. And worse than that, he is teaching his little brother everything he knows.

I was ten minutes into my day yesterday morning and I sighed out loud, "I know why your mom has to work".

Then it got worse.

Add one more 3-1/2 year old into the mix. She has her very own version of the same, but different story going on. The common denominator here, is that I do everything in my power to correct these behaviours within our daycare day. If it isn't hurting anyone and if the behaviour changes, what happens at daycare can stay at daycare. No parent who works full time needs to come home to a list of small indiscretions that happened throughout the day. I handle the little stuff. That is my job. But when behaviours start affecting others and everything I've done and said doesn't work, that is when I talk with my parents.

I talk with them while their children are playing and are not listening in. I send emails or texts or whatever a parent's chosen means of communication is to clarify and work with the issues at hand. But do you know what I've heard each time I've taken a list of issues I can't resolve to my parents? The words, "Oh no, this is happening at home. I see everything you are telling me about at home. I was just hoping it wasn't happening at daycare too."

Do you know what? What doesn't get resolved at home, what gets rewarded by talking about negative behaviours in front of your children (who do have a firm grasp on the English language far before they learn to talk, by the way) are the behaviours that infiltrate every part of their lives.

Enter the an impressionable 1-year-old into the mix and you have the youngest one absorbing their world like a sponge. They watch, they copy, they don't care if they get in trouble for doing EXACTLY what their friend just finished doing. Because that is part of the game. It's all a game. And if I have little control over the behaviours within our world at daycare, it is anarchy. A world where 2 and 3 year olds rule is mayhem.

The other characters within my tale included a child who interpreted social cues differently than what is considered the norm. He didn't understand his friend's emotions of frustration, anger or pain. He didn't take social cues and alter his behaviour. Life was a game to him. He loved life and he had a great time with his friends. But his lack of communication skills, added to the mix of personalities who were not following the "rules of daycare and the give and take of social interactions with friends" that his friends were NOT adhering to, turned a tough situation almost unmanageable.

My blessing in amongst the trials of working through my days at daycare have been my parents. The parent of the child who wasn't developing typically went quiet when I told her what I was seeing. But the very next day, she opened up like a book and told me she was scared and relieved at the same time. Because she was seeing everything I was seeing. She knew we were on the same team. I cautioned her that I was not equipped to give her son what he needed because he needed someone to shadow him throughout his day and guide his behaviours. He was teachable and had a willingness to please like no one else. But I couldn't be everywhere. She (and her husband) were eventually able to organize their work shifts so they worked opposite of each other and they would be able to keep him at home to give him the one-on-one attention he needs. I was relieved when she told me this. This news came just before I formally handed in my daycare resignation. But "one" behaviour was not the reason I was in over my head. The die had been cast. There was a whole cast of supporting roles who were reacting among each other and I had lost control.

We are living in a world of children who are learning they don't have to listen the first time, because they have been taught life is all about "three chances" or the count of "three misdemeanors" before they become accountable.

We are living in a world of parents ridden with guilt about leaving their children to go to work and in an effort to start their day without leaving an upset child at daycare, their child has learned they have total control at the point of drop off. The manipulations I see within those moments is something pretty amazing. Those little people hold the power and they know it.

By intercepting arguments and trying to teach the art of taking turns, playing together, sharing and waiting until someone is done with a toy, I have created a world where my little people look towards me to solve all of the issues they are having with one of their playmates.

We read a book about "Super Grover" trying to step in and solve two friends' problem of deciding what color to paint a fence. Super Grover tries to fix the problem by telling the kids the taller person should decide, or a parent should decide, or they should just tear the fence down or just wear sunglasses the color they want to see the fence. The children tell Super Grover that as long as no one is getting hurt, it is best that they try to work out their problem on their own. We read this book at least once a week. Sometimes twice. The kids know the story well and I think at least one of them understands the message "As long as no one is getting hurt, it is best they try to work things out on their own". I remind the kids "I am NOT Super Grover. I am NOT here to solve your problems. If no one is getting hurt, it is best you try to work things out on your own." The idea is good in theory. But when one child doesn't get the concept, it is impossible for a young 3 year old to work out all the compromises.

I have tried everything I know how to try. The only thing that seems to work is if I sit in the room and watch over every move. If no one ever needed to be fed or have a diaper changed or assistance in the bathroom or nose wiping or any other minor thing that crops up within a half hour of our day, maybe I could keep doing this.

The sad thing is, I wish I could. I wish I held the key to understanding what it takes to break through the communication barriers I'm having with my small people. I wish I had more patience. I wish I had four sets of eyes, arms and legs. I wish I was someone I am not. I can't do this job and I'm disappointed. Because I wanted to succeed here. I did.

I have to admit it. I'm not equipped to deal with this new generation of up and coming children. The children who will one day be running companies, teaching children, working together and running the country. Every generation learns something from the generation which preceded it. I'm uncertain what this particular generation is picking up. I just know I wouldn't want to be a teacher right now. I don't know what I want to be. And that is starting to feel just a little bit scary.

I will find my way when my world becomes quiet. I will. I have to. I just wonder if I should keep some of the basic child tending supplies around here. Just in case. Who knows? By some miracle, I could one day become a grandmother.

Trusting the Moment

"The world knows. Don't rush the moment. Trust in the moment you are in." These are the words I typed at 7:23 yesterday morning. Five minutes later, my world as I know it started to change dramatically. By the end of the day I discovered life as I know it is going to be completely upended within three weeks.

I gave my daycare families four months notice that I was closing my daycare at the end of the year. I knew this could happen. I just didn't think it would happen so suddenly. By the end of this month, only fourteen daycare days away, I will be down to taking care of one child. One. 

One mouth to feed, one child to watch over, one nap time, one child, no other friends. One income. I have three weeks of income at my regularly budgeted amount. Then I'm down to "one" - 20% of the income I was anticipating for the remainder of the year. Yikes.

"The world knows. Don't rush the moment. Trust in the moment you are in."

Deep breath. Okay. I knew this could happen. I didn't think it would happen. I needed it to happen. It's okay. I'm okay. This is happening for a reason. 

I was somewhat concerned that after my mini breakdown during my summer holiday, that I would end up running my daycare until Christmas, the Christmas holiday would be a blur and I would be starting a full time bookkeeping job immediately thereafter. I wouldn't end up with a break. I knew I needed a break. I am now getting a break. A pretty big one in fact.

The last daycare child standing is going to become a big sister in December. I may only have her until the end of November. I may end up with close to a month off. 

This is scary. This is exciting. This is big. Change is happening and I'm actually going to have the time to embrace it, move with it and I will be forced not to take any flying leaps into the unknown. Because I will still have one child to tend. I will still need to be available nine hours a day, five days a week. I can't jump because I still have a responsibility here.

I'm grateful I simply cannot leap right now. This precipice is a little bit scary but it is exactly where I want to be. I didn't want to jump directly into another full time job when I closed up my daycare. This is exactly what I wanted. The reality is a little more nerve wracking than I expected. But I am leaning into it and trusting this is exactly where I need to be.

Baby, It's Dark Outside

I haven't been doing a very good job of maintaining a regular wake up time, so the shift to early morning darkness has taken me by surprise. The first time I woke up to full fledged darkness at 5 a.m., I wondered who turned out the lights. Man, it's dark out there in the morning.

Our spring felt like summer and summer sped by in a blur. Summer is gone and I have not yet managed to get out (and stay out) of last year's winter blues. I feel better than I did, but I never did get completely sunshiny and happy within and hold onto it this year.

I have a feeling fall may be the season where I realign my inner self with the seasons of the year. I will shed my leaves of the past and start the process of coming back to life. Perhaps after a slightly dormant spell.

Shedding the excess within our home has been a very good place to start. It doesn't show quite yet but that will come. I can already feel the shifting of the tides.

I look forward to dormancy. Stillness. Quiet. Time to sit still and see the wonders of small things again.

It feels natural to follow the flow of the seasons right now. I will have wound down my daycare by the time the winter season officially begins. The days will be starting to get longer by the time I enter the next phase of my "new growth". It will be winter outside but the sun will be starting to regain its foothold on darkness.

I don't know what winter has in store but I do know that I do not want to push the envelope right now. I have an opportunity for temporary full time employment but I will lose the very tentative hold I had on my financial state of affairs. I refuse to panic over the fact my finances may also be undergoing a sense of dormancy throughout the winter ahead because I have been craving a year's leave of absence from the world of work. I need this right now.

I will try to squirrel away what I need to weather the winter ahead. I started a little late in the season but it is better than not having started at all. It will be okay. It always is.

I don't know what spring holds in store but I have faith that it will all work out. If I don't let fear rule me, the sun will overtake the darkness and I will find what I need in the light of day.

I can't look too far ahead right now. I will follow the ebbs and flows of the seasons and know that spring always follows winter. But do you know what? I'm anticipating the season of dormancy I feel coming. I'm not afraid of the dark.

It's going to be okay. It always is. It is always darkest before dawn and baby, it's dark out there.

Downsizing

It's really no wonder I procrastinate the way I do, when it comes to matters of dealing with he excess within our home. It's time consuming.

I spent the better part of Monday sorting, organizing and ensuring I had all the parts and pieces which go with various toys I plan to get sell. Then I took pictures of everything as I went along so I was one step closer to putting them up for sale. I ended up with this:

Then came Tuesday. I went outside and did a small scale version of the above. Timing is everything when it comes to marketing your wares. If I waited until the dead of winter to sell these items, there wouldn't have been the same demand. So I am basically selling everything that either drives me crazy, is at risk of being broken or that the kids fight over. I listed 11 items for sale on an on line auction site Tuesday afternoon. I set the end of my auction for 6:00 p.m. on Wednesday.

There was a LOT of interest in what I had for sale. I had 179 followers or bids or inquiries on the above mentioned 11 items. I sold ten of them and once everyone picks up their items and pays for them, I will have netted $160.25. Not too shabby for a good day's work.

I basically needed to be available to answer any queries once I listed my items, be available to close my auction on time and advise the winners of their successful bids and now I will have to be available for the next two days while people come to pick up their wares.

It's a time consuming little project but I think it's worth it. I like the "auction" style of selling. I am uncomfortable setting a price on what I want to sell, so I list my starting bid low and let demand dictate the price. No one bids more than they are willing to pay so everyone gets the best bang for their buck.

If I list 10 items for sale over the course of the next 15 weeks and average approximately $50 per week, I will could end up with a net profit of under $1000. Is this worth it? It is the beginning of my "emergency fund" which I have a feeling I may need when my daycare income dwindles to zero. I sure wish money wasn't the boss of me. I was just attaining the financial comfort level I once knew before I quit babysitting the last time. I know of nothing I could do to earn this monthly income again.

I think I'm scaring myself back into thinking there was a very good reason I was in the daycare business to begin with. I'm in my comfort zone, doing something I can do and it pays the bills.

I need to "live smaller" if I plan to succeed on my next "life makeover". Maybe I should pack what I need and live in the back of a moving van. This guy "Thoughts From Inside the Box" does it. Maybe I could too (I may have to move to California to weather the winter though) ...

Working Back Into the Habit of Writing

I thought I had turned over a whole new leaf when I woke up at 5:00 a.m. Monday morning, with nothing on my agenda but to sit still with my thoughts and write. It was so easy, so natural, so peaceful and I accomplished so much with my morning when I put writing first. Then the day happened.

When quiet time arrived, I was exhausted. I have a three year old who is not napping any more [I honestly believe this was the "beginning of the end" for me - missing that two hour window of complete and total solitude each and every day wore me down faster than my worst day]. I have been fighting with her to simply relax and be still while the others sleep. It has been a battle. She was watching movies and just winding up into her fidgeting stage (she literally kicks and vibrates to keep herself awake) when I thought I could wage this war better lying down. I simply draped my arm over her while we snuggled up and watched movies together. It was the best of both worlds. She relaxed and I napped, knowing exactly where she was and what she was doing.

Man! I was tired. All that was on my agenda after my daycare day was to run out and get groceries. My youngest and I have honed a wonderful co-operative system to take care of that little chore. I buy the groceries, come home and drop them off. Then she puts everything away while I run out and pick up supper. I love it!

As soon as I stopped chewing, I started sleeping. Exhaustion won out over every other need. Early to bed means early to start waking up. I honestly don't mind waking up in the middle of the night. I have this delightful habit which pleases me. I turn on the TV and decide "this" is the perfect time to watch the programs I missed while I was sleeping earlier in the evening. The minute I lose myself to the mindless television chatter, I am fast asleep. On really restless nights, I "rinse and repeat" all night long. Then when my alarm goes off at 5:00, I am beat. Again.

I've got a back up plan for those restless nights when I don't bother setting the sleep timer on the TV. Our TV also comes with a feature which will turn the TV on or off at a specified time. I've set mine to turn off at 4:00 a.m. so I don't wake up with the TV on (which is a recipe for disaster because Brian Baeumler owns the TV space during the time I'm trying to pry myself off the bed and I thoroughly enjoy falling asleep to his banter). Only the TV didn't turn off at 4:00 for some reason (usually because I've turned it back on after 4 a.m.) and I couldn't get out of bed. Again.

Last night, I refused to allow myself to turn on the TV. My stress levels are a little lighter now that I have handed in my four month notice that I am winding down my daycare. I forced myself to relax, allowed my brain to wander and the next thing I knew, I was waking up again. I went through this process a few times and the next thing I knew, it was 4:45 a.m. and I felt rested. Success.

The downfall to my plan is that I didn't have the computer set up in my room last night. While I went upstairs to retrieve it [writing in the kitchen is an invitation for our "Jet" cat to do every single thing he knows he is not allowed to do, therefore I don't have more than 45 consecutive seconds to think a thought, let alone write it down. Honestly! That cat is worse than my most disobedient child. My child and pet rearing skills have really taken a dive these past few years], I decided to make a cup of coffee then I started going through the paces I go through every morning to get ready for the day. By the time I got back downstairs again, the cats were underfoot and Jet was already trying to pry open the locked back door with his bare claws.

The long and short of it is, any quiet thoughts I may have thought I had to write about were lost in the process of disrupting the peace and stirring up the cats (I just heard someone jump off the kitchen counter).

I've forgotten how to write, how to take a mundane little thought and turn it into something that has some perspective. I may need to purge here for a while before anything of worth spills out of my fingertips. I have been lost for a while. Negativity has taken over my thought processes and I'm working on rewiring my brain.

I have been stuck in a loop of trying to make an unworkable situation work for me and it has depleted my resources. I am glad I have given myself four months to work out the kinks in my plan moving forward. I have four months to reroute my thoughts, four months to sort through and deal with the excess within our world, four months to figure figure out "what happens next" and four months to segue from one lifestyle into another. When I quit my daycare the last time and went back to school, I described it as a giant leap of faith. I soared with the eagles for a little while before I broke a wing. It's taken a while to heal but I'm ready to fly again. I'm just not leaping off any tall buildings this time around.

I'm Back

I took an unplanned hiatus from writing over my holiday. Then I went back to work and I was even more depleted than I had been before my holiday so there were no words. I take that back. There were lots of words, thoughts and ideas. But they weren't pretty, consistent nor fun to live with. So I drowned myself in television and sleep and kept most of them to myself.

Long story short, I knew I had to make a change. I just didn't have a plan. After three solid weeks of squirming with uncertainty and trying out many different scenarios in my mind, I think I am making headway. I am handing in my notice at the end of today. I am winding up my daycare and moving on. 

I'm not jumping into this transition. I will wind things up by the year's end. I have four months to get used to the idea. Four months to fine tune "what happens next". I like to hold onto the illusion I have a modicum of control over my fate but in reality, I am taking a leap of faith. I have a plan. I just have to put my trust in it and I'm not quite there yet.

So many ideas have wafted in, out and through this tired little brain of mine. 

When I last wrote here three weeks ago, I knew with a certainty I haven't felt in a very long time, that I had to give up my daycare. I knew it. I had no idea what to do next nor did I want to push the idea. A year's leave of absence was my plan. I would do whatever it took to quit one job without leaping blindly into the next. My year of jumping desperately from one job to the next and barely holding on taught me I need to move cautiously. No leaping before I looked. That was all I knew for sure. 

So I set the wheels in motion and signed the papers to start withdrawing from my pension fund. Not a wise financial move. I know this. But you weren't inside my head. It was dark and scary in there. I knew I needed a safe place to fall and knowing I had a little nest egg I could draw on was all I could hold onto for consolation. I knew I could not continue doing what I was doing but the idea of taking on a brand new job outside of our home paralyzed me. I had to take a step in a forward direction so I took it.

Then my son dropped by and talked with me. He stayed and talked until I stopped feeling so desperate. The more I talked, the freer my thoughts flowed. I opened my mouth and the words I planned to say didn't come out. Instead (I have no idea how this happened, because it was without forethought) I heard myself say "Maybe I should contact my former employer [of twenty years] and see if they would consider rehiring me". It was as if the truth was just spoken. The world stopped spinning for a millisecond until I heard my son reply, "I think you may be onto something ..."

I woke up the next morning feeling like the weight of the world fell off my shoulders. I cancelled my pension withdrawal immediately. I had a plan. It wasn't a terrifying one. It was scary enough but I thought I could do it. I called my mom and told her I finally felt like I was on holidays. I felt energized and my energy is a rare resource these days so I cautioned her that I was considering coming out to see her the second week of my holiday instead of "that day".

I went about "that day" and all was well. I did laundry and went through the motions of preparing myself to leave for Mom's later that day but I truly believed I would stay home and simply revel in the fact that my life was in order, I would pick up "holiday groceries" on my way home then settle in for a few productive days at home.

Then I got the call. Mom broke her wrist and was in the hospital. My plans changed on a dime and my sisters joined me for the ride. Mom said she didn't need anyone to come out but not one of us regrets changing our plans midstream and following the path we were meant to take.

So many thoughts come to mind when I think of Mom living on her own, with my brother being the only one who lives close by. Mom is fiercely independent but this accidental fall was an eye opener. She was so lucky in the whole scheme of things but this inconvenient breakage of a bone has severely hampered her independent spirit. 

I woke up the second morning we were there "knowing" what I wanted and was perfectly capable of doing. I wanted to pack up everything and move out to Mom's. I could be as quiet a presence as she wanted me to be but I could be there. I could take care of little things, I could drive her where she wanted to go and I could be company when her days felt too quiet. I could do this. With one minor hiccup. I still happen to have one dependent child and two cats at home. This hiccup turned into a road block I couldn't overcome.

So I ended my holidays knowing little more than I knew before they began. I knew I had come to the end of the line here in my daycare world but I was terrified to make a move to change it. I thought I could push through if I didn't push what I felt capable of doing. I watched my friend sit among her three daycare charges when I went to see her and I admired her calm demeanor. Her daycare charges picked up on her energy and they were so good, so calm and so easy to be around. "I can do this!" I told myself all last week. I was wrong.

I gave the week the best shot I knew how to give. One of my daycare families gave me notice they would be done at the end of the month and I tried to envision the personalities I would still have in my midst. I wanted to believe that without this "one" extra child, I would be capable of holding on and sticking it out. But when I recapped my remaining challenges in an early morning Saturday email I heard the truth. Again. I need to give up my daycare. For me, for the children I tend and for the sake of humanity. I have to quit.

So I unloaded my burdens on my bookkeeping boss when I went to work a few hours later and I think I have found a safe place to fall. At least during the transition out of daycare and back into the real world. She needs me to work far more than I am working now. At least two, maybe three days a week. But in the new year, she said she has full time work for me as she wraps up the "year end". This feels like the perfect solution for both of us. At least for now.

What is most important to me right now, is the ability to drop everything and run out to Mom's if the need arises. I was so relieved I could be so available during my holiday. I was exactly where I needed to be. I want to be that available on a permanent basis. Maybe I can't uproot my life and move out there, but I can shuffle my life around a bit and be "available". 

It isn't the end all solution but it is enough to push me through this moment and give me the courage to hand in my notice today. I puttered around with a daycare newsletter most of yesterday. I will hand it out and talk to my parents at the end of today. It will be done.

"There is no easy way to say this, so I will just say it. I will be closing my daycare on December 23rd, what was scheduled to be my last day before Christmas holidays..."

Change is in the air. I hope it wafts gently through the days, weeks and months ahead and I land safely on the ground when the dust settles. The last time I tried this it was a bit more like a plow wind, wreaking destruction along its path. I must have faith that I learned some valuable lessons along the way and though I'm sure this path will be windy at times, I do see a port in the storm somewhere in my distant future. I'll just keep taking one step in front of the other and try to enjoy the journey.