I can pinpoint the sequence of events, times and events leading up to my own personal points-of-no-return. I like to think I have a pretty strong threshold of compassion, endurance and understanding. But there comes a time when that ONE last thing pushes the limit and I'm done.
My marriage was one of those tests of endurance. There were multiple infractions made by both parties. The arguments were plentiful, loud and excessive. The make-ups were equal in their emotional levels. But each negative action kept taking its toll. Each make-up session became a little less meaningful. One by one, day by day, action by action it all added up. Until that ONE last time. And I was done.
Did I plan to leave? No. But I had been mentally preparing for what I subconsciously knew was inevitable.
It was the straw that broke the camel's back. So insignificant but just that one final blow.
There is a lot of talk about "boundaries", "toxic relationships" and a vast array of similar discussions about situations which necessitate walking away, restarting or dealing with people at arm's length in order to restore a person's mental and physical well being.
I can think of relationships, jobs and situations where I felt backed into a corner and had to take a stand.
During my daycare days, this evolution became a positive one. My need to set firm boundaries and establish a set of expectations turned into newsletters and there was a renewed sense of appreciation after clearing the air in a firm but respectful manner.
I became better at setting my own personal boundaries during my daycare career.
Boundaries can even spill over into what was once the highlight of my week. Ballroom dancing. While I danced, I loved every moment and everything about it. Everything. Without exception. Until I didn't. One day, I was paying good money to do something that no longer brought me joy. My feet hurt. I felt stressed during my lesson. I wanted to be home with my dying cat. I was done. I was just done.
Boundaries shift and change and evolve. Communication is a two way street and when both parties are effective at their side of the conversation, meaningful change can take place. Sometimes the answer is not an answer. It is simply time to move on.
Life is fluid, ever changing and evolving. When I hear of marriages that endure all of the above I am in absolute awe. I have an incredible amount of respect for people who work through their ever changing relationship, stay together and still respect one another.
I have been asked to ponder the reason why I am unable to retire on many occasions. The short answer? I'm a quitter. I reached my tipping point on too many occasions.
IF I had stayed with the first job I ever held, took out a pension, topped it up to the maximum I was allowed, kept that pension intact and added onto it throughout my working life, I would have 41 years worth of savings accumulated. I could be sitting on a comfortable little nest egg.
IF I had stayed in my marriage, I cannot even begin to imagine where I would be right now. If I had stayed married, I would not have found myself in that first job with an offer of a pension.
IF I had stayed in a bad marriage. IF I had lived for my pension. IF I had stayed in a secure job instead of striking out on my own and opening a daycare. If I had focused on making a living instead of making a life. If ... if ... if ...
I stayed in "none of the above". I am not set up to retire. All because for one reason or another, I reached the point of no return within a marriage, a job, a home, a life style or any of the other reasons I chose to walk away and restart from where I was.
I'm grateful for where I am today. I wouldn't be here if I had walked this walk any other way. My back is stronger because I have learned to honor my own personal boundaries. Honoring my calling to "just be a mom" has strengthened not only myself but all of my relationships.
I am so grateful for all of the points of no return. The "I'm done" moments. The opportunity to restart from where I was.
I am also a little afraid. My boundaries feel a little stretched at times because at this age and stage of my life, I don't like the idea of restarting from where I am. I just want to coast.
I have a feeling my inevitable retirement may take the form of my marriage:
Do I plan to quit work? No. But I have been mentally preparing for what I subconsciously know will one day be inevitable.
It's all going to work its way out. In its own time, in its own way. In the meantime, I trust that I am exactly where I am meant to be and I am ever grateful for my employment. While I have it, I will appreciate and be grateful for it. For one day, this will all change.
Like the end of my marriage ... I just hope I'm mentally prepared for it when it happens.
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