The Domino Effect

One decision. One action. One move in a forward direction has the power to change so much.

I write this sentence and my life flashes before my eyes. All the times one move in a forward direction after making a hard choice has changed my world forever.

Today's story is just one example of the power of choice. It all started with the words, "Random idea for you to think about ..." 

It was as if I walked into a chess game with all the game pieces already in play and all I had to do was make ONE move and the game played out as well as we could have ever hoped for (as far as we know so far).

So many variables came into play. Each and every game player was in a time and space to make a move. Each of us made calculated decisions based on exactly where we were at that place and time. In no time flat, an offer was on the table for a small house in small town Saskatchewan. The rest is history-in-the-making.

The seller of the property was in a place where they accepted our offer. That is a story I will most likely never know. I just hope their decision to sell at this particular time has been a choice that has had a positive effect in their life.

In the short term, this investment has opened up a whole realm of possibilities for my co-owner. This move changed their possible range of trajectories in a direction which feels nothing short of amazing.

In the long term, this could become my future home in retirement. I am asked on a regular basis to question the wisdom of this decision. I fully believe and my constant answer is "There are about a billion little things that must fall into place between 'now' and 'then', but I have faith that all will work out exactly how it is meant to be."

My date of retirement is contingent on how long my present job lasts. It could be long term. It could be a short time span. I honestly don't know. 

I am completely content not knowing. IF I knew what was coming I would be consumed with all that must take place and worry about my financial state of affairs far too much. The state of not knowing has given me a grace period to simply take one step at a time and do the next-right-thing.

My youngest must become fully independent and step into their own life before I can sell our present day home. Again, there are many variables at play which make estimating their date of departure from our safe little haven we call home. I trust all will work out in its own way. I have no need nor desire to know exactly how or when this will occur.

The house itself has a laundry list of repairs and maintenance which at some point may make us question the wisdom of our decision. But in this moment, today, for the exact purpose we made an offer on and purchased this home, it is in move-in-condition and it has felt like home from the moment we adopted it as our own.

In the short term, there are things I can do with materials I already have on hand. It is costing nothing more than my time and effort. My thoughts are healthier when I am consumed with a project and the rewards are priceless. 

I have not felt this content and focused on a future "aspiration" since I completed my dad's family's book of memories in the fall of 2014. This alone is worth its weight in gold. 

One decision. So many potential outcomes. The domino effect of living life is ongoing. This can go many ways. I am beyond grateful our dominos seem to be heading us in a positive direction.

Next project - free of charge - scrape and paint the exterior door casings

The Tipping Point

What is your tipping point? What is the point where a series of small events add up to the point of a critical change? What is that "last straw"?

I can pinpoint the sequence of events, times and events leading up to my own personal points-of-no-return. I like to think I have a pretty strong threshold of compassion, endurance and understanding. But there comes a time when that ONE last thing pushes the limit and I'm done.

My marriage was one of those tests of endurance. There were multiple infractions made by both parties. The arguments were plentiful, loud and excessive. The make-ups were equal in their emotional levels. But each negative action kept taking its toll. Each make-up session became a little less meaningful. One by one, day by day, action by action it all added up. Until that ONE last time. And I was done.

Did I plan to leave? No. But I had been mentally preparing for what I subconsciously knew was inevitable. 

It was the straw that broke the camel's back. So insignificant but just that one final blow.

There is a lot of talk about "boundaries", "toxic relationships" and a vast array of similar discussions about situations which necessitate walking away, restarting or dealing with people at arm's length in order to restore a person's mental and physical well being.

I can think of relationships, jobs and situations where I felt backed into a corner and had to take a stand. 

During my daycare days, this evolution became a positive one. My need to set firm boundaries and establish a set of expectations turned into newsletters and there was a renewed sense of appreciation after clearing the air in a firm but respectful manner. 

I became better at setting my own personal boundaries during my daycare career.

Boundaries can even spill over into what was once the highlight of my week. Ballroom dancing. While I danced, I loved every moment and everything about it. Everything. Without exception. Until I didn't. One day, I was paying good money to do something that no longer brought me joy. My feet hurt. I felt stressed during my lesson. I wanted to be home with my dying cat. I was done. I was just done. 

Boundaries shift and change and evolve. Communication is a two way street and when both parties are effective at their side of the conversation, meaningful change can take place. Sometimes the answer is not an answer. It is simply time to move on.

Life is fluid, ever changing and evolving. When I hear of marriages that endure all of the above I am in absolute awe. I have an incredible amount of respect for people who work through their ever changing relationship, stay together and still respect one another. 

I have been asked to ponder the reason why I am unable to retire on many occasions. The short answer? I'm a quitter. I reached my tipping point on too many occasions.

IF I had stayed with the first job I ever held, took out a pension, topped it up to the maximum I was allowed, kept that pension intact and added onto it throughout my working life, I would have 41 years worth of savings accumulated. I could be sitting on a comfortable little nest egg.

IF I had stayed in my marriage, I cannot even begin to imagine where I would be right now. If I had stayed married, I would not have found myself in that first job with an offer of a pension.

IF I had stayed in a bad marriage. IF I had lived for my pension. IF I had stayed in a secure job instead of striking out on my own and opening a daycare. If I had focused on making a living instead of making a life. If ... if ... if ...

I stayed in "none of the above". I am not set up to retire. All because for one reason or another, I reached the point of no return within a marriage, a job, a home, a life style or any of the other reasons I chose to walk away and restart from where I was.

I'm grateful for where I am today. I wouldn't be here if I had walked this walk any other way. My back is stronger because I have learned to honor my own personal boundaries. Honoring my calling to "just be a mom" has strengthened not only myself but all of my relationships.

I am so grateful for all of the points of no return. The "I'm done" moments. The opportunity to restart from where I was.

I am also a little afraid. My boundaries feel a little stretched at times because at this age and stage of my life, I don't like the idea of restarting from where I am. I just want to coast.

I have a feeling my inevitable retirement may take the form of my marriage:

Do I plan to quit work? No. But I have been mentally preparing for what I subconsciously know will one day be inevitable. 

It's all going to work its way out. In its own time, in its own way. In the meantime, I trust that I am exactly where I am meant to be and I am ever grateful for my employment. While I have it, I will appreciate and be grateful for it. For one day, this will all change.

Like the end of my marriage ... I just hope I'm mentally prepared for it when it happens.

Hope Springs Eternal

I'm a bit of a dreamer. 

I like to think I'm an optimistic thinker. 

Gratitude is my daily prayer. 

Faith is simply my belief that (one way or another), things will work out. 

Some how. 

Some way. 

The sun always rises. 

We get a new chance every day. 

Even when we don't want it. 

The sun keeps shining through the closed blinds 

as if to beckon us out of whatever moment we are in 

and invite us to open the blinds to behold the wonder of life.

I had a very quiet weekend.

I love quietness.

I took one day to do all the hard things.

I washed my hair.

I vacuumed.

I washed a load of "whites".

I washed the shower curtain.

I wrote a blog.

I replied to an email.

Then I rested.

I woke up yesterday to a fresh new day.

All the hard things had been done.

A clean slate.

I knew exactly what I wanted to write on that slate.

I wanted to work.

And I did.

I put in a productive day.

I did hard things.

Then I rested.

I slept in this morning.

I missed the early morning dawn when I normally spot our neighborhood rabbits.

I know for a fact we have three rabbits.

I suspect we have four.

One morning, I saw one rabbit. 

I dubbed this rabbit "Loner",

because there always seems to be one rabbit who is set apart from the rest.

Loner hopped out of sight.

I waited.

I wondered if "The Twins" would appear.

We have a set of rabbits who seem to travel together.

When you see one, the other is usually in sight.

Then there is "A Third" who sometimes joins them.

Sometimes not.

I waited only a few moments.

I was rewarded with the appearance of "The Twins", 

soon followed by "The Third".

Yes,

"I think we have four rabbits",
I told my son who is tiring of my rabbit tales.

I thought I had no hope of spotting a rabbit at this morning's late hour.

I opened the blinds.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear ...

but FOUR rabbits!

Now, my question is:

"Do we have four rabbits?

(the Loner, Twins & a Third) ...

or do we have eight rabbits??

The only other time I spotted four rabbits at the same time

is when they hopped in from the south 

and joined the Twins & a Third (Loner had already taken off to the west).

Four rabbits at one sighting.

In the daylight.

So I could document the moment.

I felt like this morning's rabbit sighting was a reward.

A pat on the back for doing the hard things this weekend past.

A nod of approval that sleeping in is okay.

A sign that just because we don't see something doesn't mean it isn't there.

And a definite sign of spring!

The rabbits are shedding their winter coats,

the snow is melting,

daylight is exceeding moonlight,

and it is (finally) warming up.

The sun rises every morning.

Spring is guaranteed to follow winter.

Eventually.

It sometimes feels there is little we know to be true these days.

We don't know how long before we can reignite our social lives and our economy

as this COVID-19 pandemic rules the world.

We don't know the lasting impact this will have.

We don't know who will be infected.

We have no idea how this virus could infiltrate our lives.

Just keep waking up.

Open the blinds and gaze outside.

Do one of the hard things you didn't do yesterday. 

Or not.

You can do hard things tomorrow too.

Rest.

Always rest.

Be grateful for the smallest of things.

Prepare to be amazed.

Marvel at the world around you and dare to wonder ...

This morning

I am wondering

do we just have four rabbits in our midst,

or eight?

Either way,

With spring, comes baby rabbits.

Hope springs eternal.

Peaceful Easy Feeling

I am stepping into the day with a "peaceful easy feeling" ...

The melody to the song the Eagles made famous wafted through my mind. I mindlessly looked up the lyrics to see if there was more to the music than the melody. And there was.

" 'Cause I got a peaceful easy feelin'

And I know you won't let me down

'Cause I'm already standin'

On the ground "

~ Songwriter Jack Tempchin ~

These lyrics speak loudly to the way I feel about life as I know it.

I listen to the world around me, those who stand on their platforms and spew negativity, those who skew the truths of the world around them and focus on the negative and basically the words that cycle through my consciousness and plant seeds of doubt and infect my thoughts. 

I keep coming back to this "peaceful easy feeling". Others won't let me down. Because I'm already standing on the ground.

I feel grounded. I feel rooted in family, friends and community. I have faith that everything will work out okay. I feel safe, secure and happy within the world I live in. I'm already standing on the ground.

I hope to spread this feeling and infect others with this peaceful easy feeling. It is one small way I hope to make a mark within this world I live in.

May the ground beneath your feet feel solid, safe and comforting. May you have a peaceful, easy day.

Do Not Be Afraid

These are scary times. I applied for two jobs yesterday.

Actually, I had a practise run and applied for one last week too. It was only upon rereading the information provided by the employer's description of job postings that I realized I had applied for an "internal" position. They would not be considering applications received from anyone not already working for them. You would not believe the wave of relief I felt when I read that.

I discovered something very important by that ill fated application. I do NOT want a full time job. My number one reason for rerouting my day job is the need to decrease my work schedule to a maximum of five days per week. In a perfect world, four days would suit me just fine.

As I was perusing the jobs available, I started jotting down notes about what I really did NOT want and started a list of what I am looking for.

I DO want a part time job. I DO want to work a day shift on week days. I DO want a routine, a schedule or a guideline of the times I will be expected to work. I enjoy working with numbers, words and typing. I want to start within my comfort zone, with room to grow.

The words "sales" and "marketing" make my heart clench up in apprehension. The idea of being asked to work on "call in" basis is paralyzing. When I hear the word "receptionist", I think of screening and fielding calls. I have done this. I could do it again. But I don't enjoy it. If I answer the phone and need to transfer a call, I do not want to recoil in fear of being reprimanded for how I handed the call.

I DO like the idea of having a job to do, be given firm parameters, a list of guidelines/do's and don'ts and the time and space to figure things out on my own as well as the knowledge that "mistakes happen". I want to work for someone who realizes errors are the best teachers. I do NOT want to be afraid to try and fail. I want to be encouraged to try, then ask questions to assure I am on the right track.

But most importantly, I do NOT want to start a new job until January. February would be better. I may as well aim to miss venturing out during the coldest months of winter while I'm making my wish list. If I could swing it "spring" would be a very good time to start anew. I have back-up financing in place so I can afford to take what time is necessary.

I received my very last ever pay cheque from my daycare career this morning. I will have to start dipping into my reserves by mid-month. My sales of daycare goods and supplies could pay for my shortfall this month. Considering I have been living off of a reduced wage for almost two months and October's unbudgeted expenses exceeded that of one of the full-time daycare spots I was already missing, I count that as a relative "success".

I have three more weeks of being a "full-time daycare provider". As of about noon on November 28th, I will be done. My days of child tending will be over. The time has come. I can tell it with every loud breath my little "two year old with a cold" took yesterday. When I flip the calendar page into December, I plan to hunker down in my "room with a door" and sit still with my writing. I want to see if there is a book in there somewhere. I want to see if I have what it takes to put myself out there and write for more papers. I want to be rid of the excesses by that time so I have no excuse to do anything but "be still". I need to be still within this little world of mine so I can listen for the whisper that is telling me where to go next.

I applied for two jobs yesterday. I sent them out into the world, hoping they fall into the abyss of the unnoticed, unremarkable and unaccepted file. I tried. I will continue to try. But I do not want to act out of fear. Fear is what motivated me yesterday.

My biggest fear is the fear of acceptance in an arena I don't want to fight in. The world I wished for only three short months ago is almost here. I don't want to fast track through this place. "This" is what I wanted. "This" is exactly where I wanted to be. The challenge will be to remain calm and steady while the waves of fear threaten to pull me under.

"Do not be afraid" I just Googled this phrase to find out where these words came from. I discovered I was quoting from the Bible. I've been told I do this a lot. These are the words that come to me when I am most fearful. I don't know what I believe but I do have faith. I am fighting to stay calm and the words I need to hear come directly from the Bible. Either that or from Glennon Doyle Melton. Either way, I'm listening.