Moving Toward

There has been a shift in my mindset lately. My focus is where I am heading instead of where I am.

My regularly scheduled stressors have felt more manageable because the end is near. My work here is (almost) done. I must accomplish what needs to be done, lay the groundwork for what happens next and let it go.

The bigger picture is what I am moving toward. Settling into my little weekend oasis which will become my new permanent home. HOME. Home ...

I am picturing and imagining how I will make this shared cabin-feeling house into a place where I am making decisions based on my personal preferences. No cats, dependents or anyone but me need to be taken into consideration.

I got married and moved out of home when I was 17 years old. I went from living with Mom, Dad and my brother to living with my husband. Then we had a baby. 

There have been two additional, well spaced out children added to my dependent-count as well as a rotating number of dogs, (mostly) cats and a few pet rodents (a few wild ones too). My marriage was one of an on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again (repeat one more time) variety and my second long term relationship never resulted in sharing a roof. 

There were 14 years of full-time daycaring, when almost all home repair, improvement and renovations were made based on the necessity of having a child-friendly home. 

Then came the years (three and counting) of bookkeeping from home. One bedroom dedicated 100% to a home office, file storage space encompassing half of the available floor space in a second bedroom and a holding space for four (very) large filing cabinets in our "flex space" (ie - room without a purpose). 

I have always shared my home with others. Even when my children were on a holiday or away for some reason, there was always a four-footed critter afoot, to explain away any bumps in the night. 

I have never lived alone.

In just over three months, I am moving into a dependent-free; cat-free; and (almost) office-free home. My foot is in the door, with a casual job position in my new home town. I am close enough to start imagining how life will look and feel when I am there.

I have a renewed appreciation for where I am, because I know it is not where I am going to stay. I'm moving forward and toward a renewed life.

I am looking at our generic cabin-like house and beginning to see beyond what is and envisioning what it can become.

Ahhh ... to look forward and allow myself to dream again. There is much work to be done to get from "here" to "there" but the mere act of moving toward a goal is life affirming.

A shift in perspective is hard to come by when a person is in the thick of coping with life-as-it-is. Moving toward a small goal is a baby step in the right direction.

The Future is Looking Good

My thoughts are scattered lately. I have been thinking of everything, nothing, trivial and important. Not one of the aforementioned categories have dominated my head space. I have let my thoughts waft in and out and through me.

Am I concerned about some things? Yes. Are they trivial matters or important ones. Both. Do I have control over any of the outcomes? Hmmm. Therein lies the crux of the matter for me.

Whenever I find my thoughts dominated by a predominant matter, I usually formulate an outline of what is within verses what is beyond my control. This reinstates a sense of calmness within.

I strongly feel that things will work out exactly as they are meant to be.

Work verses retirement? My steadfast answer is "I will work as long as my work lasts. I do not want to look for a new job and am willing to trust that all will work out as it is meant to be". I need the income and my employer(s) need what I have to offer. It is a mutually beneficial situation.

Enter my potential retirement home. I find myself longing for the day this will be my full time residence. I feel a sense of anticipation about the future which is new and exciting. 

I have wandered through the phases and stages of my life without much of a plan. Life always necessitated a move. Getting married. Having a child. Leaving a marriage. Moving to a new province. Changing jobs. Relationships. Parenting. Loss... 

Moving on and moving through each major life event has created a life I am very comfortable living. I am exactly where I am meant to be. 

Yet I'm longing for something. There is a feeling of unrest within. 

I want to fast forward through the next few years. I am finding myself eager to get through the messy middle of the present phase I'm living. I have one foot where I want to go and one foot securely placed in where I am.

There is so much out of my control. Yet I could take the reins and navigate the terrain to place me where I see myself wanting to be.

Life is complicated. There are so many valid reasons I must stay the course. I feel it in my bones. I am exactly where I am meant to be. The groundwork has been laid for a promising future.

I like where I am and the future looks good. I can't remember feeling quite this way before. There is a ominous feeling churning within me as I anticipate the unknown. 

Is it another sign?

On Feeling Deeply

This week has been a week of "feeling deeply".

I woke up one morning feeling personally responsible for pretty much anything and everything. I wanted to walk around with a sign around my neck saying "I'm sorry". It was just that kind of day. 

I have those days now and again. I attribute it to the moon. Phases. Cycles. Patterns. Days of feeling deeply are part of my make up. I recognize this and do my best to wade through the middle of those particular times and utilize the feelings to take action when circumstances allow.

As a rule, I can categorize and sort my feelings, put them in a room, shut the door and not feel the feelings so deeply until I open the door again. This week feels like the doors are all open and I'm walking through the hallway, feeling a low grade kind of angst. 

This too shall pass. I know this is true. I've walked this walk enough times to recognize the pattern.

These are trying times for most of us. Try to recognize what is familiar within your own personal cycles of life. If you can, try to recall what worked in pulling you up and out of where you have been to get to a better place. 

If all else fails, take heed of the lessons I learned in my Grade 3 Health class:

I especially like #4 - "Play out of doors every day". I know that has been lacking in my life. 

What one thing can you do to pull yourself out of your deep thoughts and back into the present?

Today

I can't believe what I'm about to write. I am actually welcoming the idea of the sun sleeping in just a little bit longer. I am comforted by grabbing a sweater in the morning while there is a bit of a chill in the air. 

In a world where so much feels ever-changing, unpredictable and unprecedented I am comforted by the knowledge our seasons will change and although the sun is not shining as long as it has been, we know this is temporary. 

The sun always rises. Shortening days are followed by longer ones. Summer is followed by fall, which leads the way into winter where we anticipate the return of longer days, the renewal of spring and the harvest of our summer.

Nature is leading the way during this time of great uncertainty. News of Hurricane Laura, descriptions of a "surge" and the word "unsurvivable" tossed into  news briefs remind me to be grateful for what I have today.

Today my biggest problem is tending to month-end bookkeeping work. While it feels overwhelming at times, it is predictable and I have some control over how my days play out.

Another month has sped by. I feel like I'm in a time warp. Days go by quickly. Seasons blur from one into the next. In a few days I will have last year's income taxes paid in full. Just in time to start saving for this year's taxes. 

They say there are only two certainties in life. Death and taxes. This is something to hold onto while a global pandemic, racism, raging fires, hurricanes are the backdrop of our lives. Lives where challenges of living a regular ordinary life are still mounting. 

Today? I am grateful for taxes. It beats the alternative.

Better Days

One of my personal mottos is: "The good thing about a very bad day is [often], the next day is better"

Let me add the disclaimer this is not always the truth. Bad days are not always followed by better days but there is one almost sure fire guarantee. The next day will be different.

Personally, if I can examine that very bad day and pinpoint where things went wrong or why I took a set of circumstances personally, I do my best to address my personal responsibility and attempt to let the rest go. I am better at this some days than others.

If circumstances are beyond my control, I throw my hands up in the air and mutter to myself "I did my best but the wrong things happened". I give myself permission to feel badly, pat myself on the back for doing my level best (our best changes day by day and the best is all we can ever ask of ourselves) and carry on to live another day.

I've had a few bad days in recent history. Let me disclose the fact that I have a very easy life and my definition of a "bad day" is relative to the weeks and months preceding aforementioned days. A bad day in my life is not all that terrible.

I am well aware there are situations which are dire and of much more consequence than those I have contended with. I'm not talking about those days. In fact, I tend to handle the bigger, life altering life events better than I deal with the little stuff. It's the little stuff that brings me down (almost) every time.

Knowing when to consult a professional can alter a day. Computer technology comes to mind as an example. Deciphering when I can figure something out versus admitting defeat and calling a computer expert is a blurry line. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. Losing a day-long battle against technology can leave one feeling very weary. But, when comparing said defeat against a real live crisis of epic proportions, it keeps one's perspective in view.

When you look backwards at a day and can pinpoint the exact moment when things went awry and how the domino effect of one simple action affected everything to follow, it may help to take a portion of accountability on yourself. Even though there is nothing you can do about it, if you can walk away with the thought, "Note to self: next time I will do [this] differently and hope for better results". 

There are so very many kinds of days where one feels beaten down and worn out after a long, hard day of life.

There isn't a person I know who lives without worry, pressure, tension, anxiety, trauma, pain or difficulty in some form. Everyone you meet is carrying the weight of their world on their shoulders. Some bear the burden inwardly, others may show signs of weariness, but it is almost a guarantee that everyone you meet is fighting a battle you cannot see.

There are so many stressors people are facing. Health; relationships; financial burdens; work; mental illness; concern over family/friend's well being; feelings of being overwhelmed, misunderstood or not seen; too much/not enough responsibility; work/unemployment; isolation/not enough isolation and the list goes on. 

We are acting and reacting to all the above mentioned conditions on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis. Interactions between us are almost guaranteed to go sideways because each of us is dealing with our own "stuff". The potential for misunderstanding is high.

I wrote that sentence, looked up and the title of this book from my bookshelf literally jumped out at me:

When our bad days go badly due to interactions with others, it is hard not to take them personally. It can be even harder to pinpoint an exact cause and action to rectify a problem. The chance for re-occurrence is high.

In my experience, the best way to deal with the "day after" is after taking a step back, sleeping on it and coming back at the experience without the emotion driving the feelings of a bad situation.

In my daycare days, I wrote newsletters. Writing forces me to re-examine, re-read and reflect on how my words sound to the person on the receiving end. Writing has been a godsend to me. I can defuse my emotions, search for words with less of a sting and after sorting my thoughts on paper, I can maintain a sense of calmness when speaking of how something has affected me without adding fuel to the fire.

Writing has made me better at vocalizing my thoughts. It is in my nature to avoid confrontation or arguments. The fact that I have a quiet voice assists me in making my point. I have never solved an issue by pretending it didn't exist. 

There is a sense of calm that follows after simply doing what is within your power and letting the rest go. 

Give yourself a break today. Know that you did your best. Remind yourself that your "best" changes day by day, moment by moment. Hope for better days ahead. Even though today may not be that day, remind yourself better days are on the horizon. 

The Vacation Not Taken

In a preemptive move after last year's excessive holiday spending, I started saving the vacation pay off of every pay cheque. I started my savings on August 31st. I have just been paid to July 31st. One year's savings have accumulated. 

One year of slow but steady saving has resulted in a grand total of $1,475.92 sitting in a little nest egg with the words "vacation pay" noted on each and every deposit.

In the grand scheme of things it is a pretty small amount. But if I hadn't put it aside, this very same amount of money would have been eaten up by day to day living. I am quite certain my chequing account would not have ended up with an excess equal to this amount. In my brain, chequing accounts = spending accounts. Money simply passes through and the goal is to keep it in the black (which normally results in a balance quite close to zero). 

Yes! I have a little vacation fund!! Yay, me!!!

Here I sit in my quiet little COVID world, spending little, going out less and quite enjoying the long harvest this year. I have spent many months squirreling away my acorns for a "winter" (aka: vacation) that is not on the horizon.

Do I long for time off? Yes. Do I wish I had vacation plans? No.

My thoughts continue to swirl around and focus on our home and the bathrooms that never got updated in the Year of Renovations. I think how fast $10,000 would go if we tackled a bathroom and I am quite happy to sit home and continue doing what I am doing.

I ponder the day when my 18 year old car will need to be replaced. Never in a million years would I replace it with a brand new vehicle but again, $10,000 would disappear very quickly when looking for a newer, reliable car.

I know the world is becoming restless with social distancing advisories, ever-increasing cases of COVID-19 and coming to terms with the realization that our "new normal" is unlike anything we have experienced in our lifetime.

I also realize our economy would be in real trouble if everyone in the world was content to stay home and squirrel away any excess they may find in their already sparse budget fearing the long, cold winter which may or may not be the result of this strange new world we are navigating. 

But I'm not adding to our country's deficit and I am paying my own way. So I am playing a small part in not worsening the state of our economy.

Another year of saving may result in doubling today's figure. One year in our future, a vacation may be something I would consider. The truth of the matter is we have absolutely no idea where we may be one year from now. Who would have ever predicted today's reality?

To save or not to save. That is the question.

I love the idea of my vacation fund. This small little savings account allows me a place to dream. Just a little. The vacation not taken this year will provide an opportunity for something else to step in, in its place. 

I Need a New Topic

Will today be long enough to do all that must be done?

I woke up at midnight with this thought in my mind. I thought "I could just get up and work right now ...". But (wisely) I didn't. I rolled over and slept fitfully throughout the night instead.

So much work. So little time. Working throughout the night is not a choice I choose to make. Setting boundaries when your work moves in with you, is necessary.  

But what if I had worked through the night and woke up to an empty slate this morning? Clearing the slate. What a concept. 

I do not want my work to consume me. I simply want to get to a point where I feel in control and have a rhythm with the monthly, quarterly and annual deadlines.

It is month end. Work is on my brain. This too, will pass.

I just want to write about rabbits ...

Rainy Days and Mondays

It is both rainy and Monday ...

... just feeling a little gloomy

and Karen Carpenter's lyrics are speaking to me.

"... Hangin' around (hangin' around)

Nothin' to do but frown

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Funny, but it seems that it's the only thing to do (only thing to do)

Run and find the one who loves me..."

The isolation must be getting to me.

I feel like I could use a hug right about now.

P.S. The next song on the YouTube lineup of Karen Carpenter's play list is 

"Top of the World"

and that is always where I end up after a gloomy day like today.

No worries.

I Miss Me

Waking up to a weekend full of so many thoughts, feelings, ideas and wishes has reminded me of how much I miss "me".

My introvert personality tendencies have me revelling in and losing myself in the COVID world of social distancing and isolation. The Coronavirus is enabling my natural inborn desires which is both wonderful and awful at the same time.

Add working-from-home plus my inclination to catch up on every little single thing I'm working on to this equation and I created a Math Zombie Personality (which is not my best self).

Long ago, I recognized my need for the law and order of a numbers related world to be counteracted with socialization, words, communication and enough quiet to hear myself think.

Decades of working in the banking industry fulfilled most of those needs. The ability to balance to zero was counteracted with the need to provide good customer service. My ability to listen, communicate, act and react in accordance with whoever was in front of me was a very good fit for me. 

My years of daycaring were offset with working at a bank on Saturdays, followed by a part-time bookkeeping job which became full-time. Full-time bookkeeping (all numbers) didn't fulfill my needs and eventually morphed into working as a part-time secretary (all people and words) within the school system. This catapulted me back into my daycaring/bookkeeping role where I was back in a place which was a relatively balanced equation of people, numbers, creativity and writing.

I fell out of balance a week ago when I immersed myself in work. 

I stopped thinking, processing and reflecting life-as-I-know-it. I had nothing to say, no time to say it, no one to say it to and putting this lack of nothingness into the form of a blog post was the end result. 

I took a day off yesterday. Words, thoughts, feelings and the desire to interact with friends and family came to the forefront of my mind again.

I woke up this morning feeling fresh, renewed, revitalized and ready to take on more than numbers.

I felt all these feelings and the sensation of "joy" started oozing out of my pores. I gave myself a mental hug and thought to myself, "I miss ME".

I'm going to indulge myself with whatever the day brings. I cannot wait to see what unfolds today as I create a whimsical day to just be "me". I've missed this ...

It is Time ...

I have become the world's best procrastinator over the course of the past many years.

There are so very many things to be done. So much I would like to have done and behind me. But there are a list of little just-for-me things I would like to do.

Oh, to take the entirety of a weekend to sift through the boxes of memories I have amassed. On more than one occasion recently, I have been reminded of a few keepsakes I have saved over the years and it has ignited a desire to rifle through my memory box to see what I have forgotten.

I want to empty the shelf of photos, photo albums, loose pictures and organize them and amalgamate them into one whole cohesive collection including the pictures and albums I inherited from Mom.

I want to take the time to cull through Mom's boxes of memorabilia. Sort, organize and decide what is excess. When we were going through Mom's collection of belongings, I felt everything was important, a piece of history and a piece of Mom. Perhaps I don't need to keep two decades worth of her calendars to hold onto a few vital dates and notations.

This weekend I wish for will spill over into days. Days on end. Days where one photograph, notation or piece of paper will ignite thoughts I had forgotten. Thus, I don't want to rush the process.

I want to make the time. It is time ...

I'm Ready for a Math Holiday

All I have been doing lately is working. Work. Work. And more work.

In my quest to "catch up", I have discovered that keeping up to date in the bookkeeping world is as elusive as the never-ending-always-feeling-behind-sensation I felt when I worked at a grocery store bakery.

There was seemingly no end to the baking that needed to be packaged, labelled, restocked, then culled. Keeping up with the demand (or lack of) fresh baked goods was an ongoing and endless task. I hated that job. I hate to use the word hate. But I did. There is no satisfaction within a job where you are ALWAYS behind.

Enter the work-from-home scenario I have found myself living these past many months. Catching up was something I could now accomplish now that my bookkeeping work lived with me.

That was an overwhelming and debilitating thought. Until I started tackling one big job at a time. "If only I can get 'this' done. Then I'll be caught up. But I still have to do 'that'. THEN I'll be caught up. But I still have to do 'the other things'. Then the phone or doorbell rings and I have four new pile of things-to-be-done." And so on and so forth.

I have shuffled a few mountains. I have not moved them. I have simply organized them, sorted them by date, created a spreadsheet to compile all information and now my work sits in four piles and a big, cloth grocery bag awaiting answers I need to complete the tasks at hand. So I have moved one mountain into four molehills and one very big hill.

I've been working with numbers day in and day out. I'm ready for a break. Better yet, I'm ready for a cat day. Not much is stressing out our miniature black panthers.

 

The Joy of Working

It has been an incredibly productive week here in my home office. .

I have tended to monthly and quarterly tasks. I have successfully called three different departments at Revenue Canada and not only did I not have to hold, each and every question and concern I had was addressed, answered and solved within a ten to fifteen minute call. 

As I tidied up the clutter of the month, I had time left to work on a few of the lingering jobs that have been taking up space on my work table and in my mind. It is amazing what energy comes from cleaning the work slate on a few levels.

I feel more energetic and I do believe I have the motivation required to get me through one of the bigger tasks I have left to tend. I can envision the space created within my work week once that job is complete. 

I woke up with ambition this morning. The motivation that is bubbling up inside of me is taking me outside my home office door and I am seeing the light.

Since COVID-19 arrived on the scene, I have been doing little more than tending to my own self preservation.

I have not been a supportive friend or family member. I have not been reaching out. I have been hunkering down and managing my own little world.

I have not taken on any COVID projects, big or small. I haven't cleaned a closet. I haven't reorganized our home ... except maybe I did a just a little. The weekend our new book shelves were installed was definitely a Coronavirus highlight. But the weight of the work within my office-with-a-door has been weighing me down and holding me captive to the responsibilities lying in wait.

I have not found time in this "isolation" to dig deep, go quiet, hear my inner voice guiding me where I need to go next. 

We are almost four months in to our changed world and I have yet to feel isolated. 

When stay at home recommendations arose on the scene I thought this was exactly the kind of holiday I have always hoped for. Time off work with no where to be but home. It was a dream come true. Then my work moved in with me and it has taken us four months to establish healthy boundaries and come to terms with each other.

Now that I finally know my roommate a little better, I am finally in a place to settle in and enjoy being home. Just in time for the world to open up again. 

Do you ever feel like you are always ten steps behind the times? Me too. 

The Months of "No"

Shonda Rhimes' book "Year of Yes" was an inspiration to me. Her book was a testament to her year of "Yes" and the impact accepting life's invitations had on her life. 

I have tried the "Yes" way of life. It is fine. It has led me to places I would have never been before. It is both exhilarating and exhausting. It is hard. It is expensive. It goes against my naturally inherent introvert tendencies. The word "yes" depletes me as much as it enriches my life at times.

I have come to like the "easy yeses" instead.

I tried to come up with a list of "easy yeses" and my thought well ran dry. "Yes" does not come easy to me right now. I have been reveling in the COVID months of "No".

"No thank you" is my favorite go-to-response at the moment. 

As our world is gradually reopening there is a huge part of me that is screaming, "I'M NOT READY YET!!"

When I quizzed someone of the protocol about going out of province or whether having out of province guests would interfere with the ability to enter a retirement/senior living complex, they had to consult their books and came up with the response "As long as you aren't showing symptoms of COVID-19, you would be allowed access". My response to this was "Isn't it too late by then?" We both nodded our heads in agreement that the biggest risk was in spreading the virus while not showing symptoms. 

Due to the regular contact I have with my senior friends, I continue to be vigilant in my isolated little world. I don't get sick. Thus, I fear I could unknowingly spread a contagion to those who could be at risk. I continue to find reasons to say "No" to the invitations that are ever so slowly starting to reappear.

Where does paranoia start to overlap with common sense when it comes to the Coronavirus? Is my natural tendency to want to decline invitations being enabled by being able to label an excuse on it?

The reason I believe I am falling back on common sense is when it comes to invitations from family. It doesn't matter how depleted I feel, I equate interaction with my siblings to oxygen-for-my-soul. The answer is always, always, always "Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!".

This virus has beaten me down to a point where "No" is comfortable, safe, familiar, affordable and exactly where I most want to be.

I love the comfort weekends bring even more than I did during the B.C. (before COVID) days. I love parking the car Friday night and not starting it up again until I go to my aunt's on Monday.

I love, love, love working from home. I'm still having a little bit of trouble establishing boundaries but for the most part, my office-with-a-door offers most of the separation I need to keep work from infiltrating other areas of this oasis I call home.

I love the world of ordering online, free delivery or curbside pick-up. My heart clenches just a little before I enter a store-with-a-door. 

When I sat down with the words "the months of 'no' " at the tip of my fingertips this morning, my intent was to write of the lightness of heart I feel at living safely within the rules of isolation. Instead, the gravity of truth seeped out.

COVID-19, I truly appreciate the clarity, the isolation and lessons you have brought into our world. Personally, I am fortunate to say I have gained much more than I have lost though I know that is not the case for everyone. 

These months of "no" have been a holiday from life-as-I-know-it. It has been a reprieve from expectations. I know I must dip my toe back in the water and tentatively re-instate cautious "yeses" back into my world. The words "I'm not ready yet" have not yet been silenced. Perhaps there is a reason for that. Or maybe it is just an excuse.

One step in a forward direction, one step, one day at a time. Will take us where we need to go.

Do What You Can

"Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can" 

~ Arthur Ashe

Two Mondays in one week is one Monday too many.

Start where you are. 

I am sitting in a Thursday that feels like a Monday with the bonus of a weekend right around the corner. 

I will just go forward from here (what choice do I have?).

Use what you have. 

One more cup of coffee and I'll be good to go.

Do what you can.

I will do my best to get the job at hand done today so I can put it behind me for another year.

I know these words are so much deeper than this. But for today? This is enough.

Just go do what you can today. 

Tough Love

I feel my inner child resurface when life gets hard - the part of me that wants to sit next to Mom and let her do my talking.

Mom was a fierce ally to have on my side throughout my life. When the chips were down, Mom had my back. She defended me. She supported me. She provided whatever was required to do what had to be done. She was there. Through thick and thin. No matter what.

In the aftermath of Mom's death, there was a void in my life no one would ever fill again. 

Life went on. I grew a little more. I endured. I pushed through. My skin got a little thicker. I longed for the days when I could drive out to Mom's and just be her daughter for a while.

There are the days I just want to be coddled and cajoled and gently urged to push through the moment I'm in. Yesterday morning was one of those days. 

The prevalent morning thought I had was to seek out a TED Talk on feeling overwhelmed to substitute for a conversation with Mom. I thought I needed some gentle urging.

Then I came upon Shia LaBeouf's "Just Do It" motivational speech. One minute and four seconds. Perfect. I had a busy day ahead of me and I didn't want to fritter away the morning. 

Then BAM! The first two words out of his mouth were exactly what I needed to hear: 

"DO IT!!"

Sometimes what we think we need is not what we need at all. A gentle nudge isn't always the best thing for us. I'm going to keep this guy on speed dial (or at least add him to my Bookmark bar).

There is no time to waste. I need to take Shia's advise and do it all over again today. No pussyfooting around...

"JUST DO IT!!!!"

The Only Way Through It

I am feeling so overwhelmed at the moment, I don't know where to start.

It's work. It's only work. But work has moved into our home with me and I'm still adjusting to my new roommate.

It sits there taunting me. Teasing me. Telling me. Beckoning me. Guilting me. Thank goodness my new roomie has a room of its own. I shut the door on it but I still hear it calling.

I invited this guest to move in with me. We are just going through an adjustment period. 

I have so much to do that my new companion woke me up at 3 a.m. This roommate is so disruptive.

As I sat with my morning coffee while attempting to write some morning pages, my pen told me what I already knew. The only way through it is to do it.

Just do it! 

Moving Through Monday

Monday morning felt hard. I wanted to curl up into a cocoon and wait for a metamorphosis to occur. I've been a caterpillar long enough. I just want to regroup and become something more.

I couldn't wrap myself up in a blanket and quit. So I did the next best thing. I set some boundaries to create some of what I needed. 

"This" is what I'm going through. "This" is where I am at right now. "This" is what I need today.

I put my request out into the world and I was granted a reprieve. Once I was given that space to replenish and revive myself, that is exactly what I did.

The moment I was given the gift space and time, the weight of the world was lifted. Once the world got off my shoulders, I had the energy to start. 

Starting feels hard some days. The alternative is not a good one. When you don't begin, the finish line is impossible to see and the task set before you feels impossible.

Start. Just start. Something. Anything. 

So much easier said than done. There is a fine line between taking the time you need to replenish your resources and finding yourself in a place where you feel overwhelmed and incapable.

Been there, done that. I'm sure I'll be there again. 

The cycles of life. If we've done this all before, why does it still feel so hard some days?

Sunday

Sunday has been and continues to be my favorite day of the week. How I could fritter away the entirety of my favorite day doing so very little is quite astounding. 

I've become the queen of "doing nothing". The unfortunate part is, I'm not doing it well.

I woke up to my weekend hangover of nothingness feeling absolutely, completely and totally spent. What the heck is wrong with me?!?

Then ... I looked at my existence from the outside, looking in and decided to give myself a break.

When I got outside my own head for a minute, I saw myself and the role I have been playing within my small little world. The words that came to mind as I looked at this alien version of myself was "Supporting Person".

I'm not the star in my own show. Other story lines are running through my own. I listen. I relate. I do my best to understand. I am there. Not in a big way. Just in a small understated "supporting role".

When I validated my role, I forgave myself for feeling mentally inept over the course of the weekend. One cannot continue to do nothing for forever. But one weekend? What has been done cannot be undone. Just take one step in a forward direction.

A new week awaits.

Rebirth

Today is my youngest son's twenty second birthday. It is no wonder when I sat down with an empty page, pen in one hand and coffee in the other this morning, that my pen started to ramble on birth and rebirth. My thoughts took me down memory lane as I thought of the birth of each of my sons and how I was reborn each time.

My firstborn son was born in August. By January, I was separated from my husband and the need to become a self-supporting parent of one was my guiding light. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Thankfully we had my parent's home and support to weather the storm. I not only found one job, but two. In short order, due to a subsidized mortgage offering, I was able to qualify to purchase a townhouse for us to move into.

1978 My First Time Reborn - Baby. Divorce. Start a job. Buy a house.

My second son was born in September. By December, I left my on-again-off-again marriage for the third and final time. Dad died three days later. His funeral was back "home"- where our family originated and my first home. One off hand comment to the effect of "You should move back 'home'..." was all I needed to set the wheels in motion. That is exactly what we did.

1987 My Second Rebirth - Baby. Divorce. Find a new job. Move to a new province. Create new life.

My third and final child was born in June. By December, I had applied for a year's leave of absence from my employer to test the waters to see if I could open a daycare from my home. I did exactly that and I've never looked back.

1998 My Third Time Reborn - Baby. Leave job. Strike out on my own. Work from home. Become a full-time parent for the third and final time.

The birth of each of my children changed my life, changed me and redirected me towards a better path. My children were an average of ten years apart in age so perhaps my life was in need of a major change at each of these pivotal decades.

It often feels easiest to just keep doing what we are doing and not shake up our world too much, too often. Once every ten years or so worked for me. In fact, as I wrote those words I quietly wondered if I reinvented myself ten years after my youngest child was born. And I did.

My youngest son's father and I broke up late spring. The life I had imagined myself living evaporated into thin air. I was lost. I spent the summer painting and maintaining our home. When winter set in, I started down the road to collecting family memories and binding them together in the form of a book. The following spring, the first book of a series of two was almost complete.

2008 An Unexpected Rebirth - Separation. Ambition. Motivation. Finding myself and my place within our extended family. The birth of two books of Family Memories.

The last decade's transition was less about birth and more focused on loss. Mom's last year was life changing. In September, the wheels were set in motion to create a life where I could be exactly where I wanted to be. Mom's health situation was diagnosed in February. She focused on her continued independence and did not want us to worry. To be able to go out to Mom's on a whim, in good times and in bad was exactly where I wanted and needed to be. She died in September. It was my final year of being a daughter. It is a year I will never regret.

2017 Focus on Being a Daughter - A diagnosis. Moving through. Being there. Loss. Moving on.

I'm in between major decade transitions at the moment. I sense another transition is in the air. I am reminding myself to focus on the moment. Moving through the challenges. Being there. In the midst of the seriousness, our home is going through its own transitions and re-inventing its purpose which is a delightful diversion to all that is going on in the world around us.

Focus on the moment. Be grateful for what "is". Be there. Be motivated. Keep reinventing yourself as the world moves on. One forward step in front of another.

It is truly no wonder they call the birthing process "labor". It is a labor of love but well worth the effort.

Unrest

I am loosely paraphrasing something I read recently about dreams.

Dreams written down become goals. Formulating the steps required to attain those goals becomes a plan. Following through on those steps becomes action. Taking action on a dream which was once only a wisp of a dream turns into achieving your dreams.

I used to dream.

I used to visualize where I wanted to be. I often wrote those dreams down. I sometimes added visuals to the dream. Then came the process. Step by step. One small step at a time. Dreams became reality.

I can scour the archives of this blog and my journals to witness the process I unknowingly created time and time and time again.

Unrest instigated the need for change.

Change is a process that required a set of goals.

Goals necessitated action and effort.

Effort was the catalyst of all that followed.

Achieving goals was the reward for all of the above.

The goals were achieved one step at a time. Yes, it was nice to reach the top of that mountain and enjoy the view. In retrospect, I realize I wouldn't have enjoyed the view a fraction of the amount if I hadn't personally overcome all it took to reach the summit.

Unrest. Change. Goals. Effort. Achievement.

Embrace the unrest. It is the catalyst which has the power to take you where you need to go.