Home

I've been away for a week. I never quite gained the equilibrium I feel by simply being "home" while I was away. I'm back. I'm relieved.

There is nothing quite like waking up in your own bed, to the sound of robins singing their good morning songs. Everything has a place and resides quite nicely in its spot at home. Home. Oh, I've misssed you so.

The desire to drive home mid-holiday and unpack the mounting accumulations that were amassing in the car was great. It would have been silly to do so. Waste a tank of gas and the better part of a day driving to and fro, unpacking and most likely tending to the lawn while I was here. No, it was better to stay put, veg out in the backyard with the cats and do my best impression of relaxing.

Yes, I spent the week in my Original Home, presently rented to and occupied by my daughter and her spouse. And the cats. 

It isn't my home. I spent my time in my own little suite downstairs that has everything I need (except a bathroom with a shower). It took a few days to settle into my space and find a way to make it work for me. The first thing I missed was my upstairs writing spot by a window. Writing my morning pages was painful.

I spent years in that basement "suite" and loved every moment of it. It wasn't like I was confined to the basement during my stay. I had (too many) errands to run, people to see and the only thing that dictated my day was the cat's feeding/medication times. Times that work for me. To be home by 6:30 - 7:00 p.m. was a gift. It fit right into my love of quiet evenings at home. But there was something missing. Windows.

I have windows, windows and more windows in my little home. As long as I'm not trying to block out the heat of the sun, my morning ritual is to open up the blinds/curtains immediately upon my waking. Daylight. Gazing outside. Watching and listening to the birds, the sky, the trees ... ahhh.

Yes, I spent time outside. With the cats. They are senior cats with little desire to scale the fence and escape the spacious back yard. But every now and again, one will make a break for it. So time spent outside was mostly relaxing but ever present of where the cats were. 

I could have and should have puttered in the back yard while the cats explored and sniffed out the outdoors. I devoted one day to yard work, worked up a sweat, a good covering of dirt & grime and had little desire to repeat the process. So I simply sat out there and felt just a tad angsty. I seemed to need to know the time, so had my phone with me. **Note to self - take your watch with you when you go on a holiday so you aren't so bound to that danged phone!!**

I accomplished everything I set out to do while I was away. I even managed to squeeze in a manicure and pedicure. I visited friends and family. I enjoyed every moment of the one-on-one socialization. But I was off. I wasn't home.

The return home yesterday was welcome. Unfortunately I had offered to work in the afternoon so the joyous occasion wasn't celebrated properly. I played the game "how much can I do before I go to work?" instead. I managed to put almost everything in its spot except the groceries that didn't need refrigeration before I ran outside and mowed the lawn, then washed the bugs off the car.

It was a race to the finish and I made it to work by 1:00 but my head wasn't in the work-game and I seemed to forget anything I thought I knew for a while.

I finally reaped the benefits of my efforts when I came home from work. Home. Home at last.

Be it ever so humble, there's no place quite like it.

The Best Holiday I Didn't Know I Needed

Have you ever taken a holiday without really feeling a great need to get away? When the ache to separate work and home isn't the driving force? When splurging on a little getaway feels like an indulgence and not a need?

I just returned from such a retreat. I wasn't running away from anything. I wasn't running anywhere. I was drawn towards a place I called home for 18 years. I had a yearning to stay at a little home-away-from-home at an AirBnB close to where I grew up. 

I ached for an independence and solitude you don't get when you stay with family or friends. Don't get me wrong! I love visiting and meeting up with people. I simply enjoy the feeling of having time alone to digest, absorb, reflect and fully inhale the day I am anticipating or have just lived.

I had a moment of angst at the end of my very first day. It was a day where I left my little oasis first thing in the morning, touched base at one point and was immediately off again, returning at dusk. I thought "Oh no!! When will I have time to savor the moments right here at my little 'home'?"

The very next day was all about those moments. I sat on the balcony, read a book, gazed upon the rooftops and yards of the neighborhood while awaiting my guests. One set of guests left and I gathered up more company for the duration of the day. It was marvelous.

I didn't have to rush home on check-out-day so I returned to the balcony, reopened my book and simply inhaled. A deep breath where everything felt good and right. A moment I knew I could recreate at home but I savored the fact that it was nestled within memories of relaxed and relaxing visits with people who mean the world to me. 

I drove home to the sound track of music of yester-year. Feelings of days when I didn't know what life had in store and my inner me was simply young and a little naïve. 

The innocence of my youth was seasoned generously throughout a vacation away from my day-to-day life. Though I had many visits of a serious nature, I was grounded in the sensation of "coming home".

I walked by Mom's house. It has changed. Life goes on.

I spotted several rabbits as I made my way through the days. The first crossed my path as I left after a visit with my brother's family. A second was spotted as I headed southward to walk the paths of my youth. Not a rabbit to be seen near or around Mom's. One more rabbit ran parallel to me on a busy road as I headed to visit my childhood friend. Not many rabbits, but I felt a significance in the timing of their appearance. 

It was the best holiday I didn't even know I needed. I highly recommend it. Don't put off those little retreats too long. They are best enjoyed when you are enjoying a version of your best self.

Feeling Reflective

It is a "third cup of coffee" kind of day. I have frittered away my bonus morning hours reflecting and rereading my own words. It is no wonder we find such solace in relationships where we speak openly and honestly and are "real". I find comfort simply rereading my own words. 

I was reading between all the lines of what I wrote, recognizing the truths known only to me that are woven into the general stories I retell here. I am longing to physically remove myself from my reality and put some distance between real life and find a renewed perspective.

I miss my visits with Mom. During her final year, I made the five hour road trip regularly. Five hours to be still with my thoughts. Five hours to distance myself from my regularly scheduled life. Days with Mom where we visited for hours on end and Mom said all the motherly things my sister now says.

It is no wonder I find such solace in my little weekend oasis an hour out of the city. Not as much distance but gas prices have inflated to a point where one hour of driving is nearing the cost of my five hour drives six years ago.

A place to call home and share conversations where I hear Mom's voice echoed back and forth between my sister and me. Ahhh.

I'm planning to go "home" again soon. I have found a place to stay in Mom's old neighborhood. I have enough AirMiles accumulated to subsidize the gas prices. I have accumulated points on my credit card to cover a little frivolous spending and dining out. I am hoping for weather mild enough to wander the streets and back alleys where I grew up. I have family and friends to spend my time with and even the luxury of inviting them to my little home-away-from-home.

What used to be a regular old trip has become a vacation. I am longing for the sense of peace I get when surrounded by my past with a good dose of presence of people I feel so close and comfortable with.

Searching

I'm falling off the rails. Living an Intentional Life is exhausting.

Such simple guidelines I set out for myself. Walk. Stretch. Write. Drink water. Eat intentionally. Live intentionally. Be still and notice the little things.

Well? Being still without eating to keep me awake equals sleep.

It takes approximately three to four nights to watch a one hour television show (which I have taped, which equates to the need to stay awake 45 minutes). Fifteen minutes in front of the TV without food, conversation or movement is a sleeping pill for me.

That is okay. Because I want to get up very early to do all the things that feel important at the moment:

• Walk (45 minutes)
• Puzzles/breakfast smoothie/listen to a podcast (an hour)
• Take care of whatever real-life-needs need to be met. This varies from cleaning cat litter and making a lunch; to responding to incoming emails; to vacuuming/mowing the lawn/hair-washing-day; and an untold number of diversions (anywhere from 15 minutes to 2 hours)
• Writing (depends on the day)
• Open the door of my home office and tame the beast within 

I wake up at 5:00 a.m. and four hours vanish into thin air just like that [insert snapping fingers here].

I'm spinning my wheels and going no where but back to waking up at 5 a.m. the next morning. 

As I walked this morning, I felt full of inspiration, life, recollections of walking these roads over the course of decades gone by. Memories of people I once knew when I worked; houses I once delivered newspapers &/or flyers to; the walks we had during my daycare days all came rushing to the surface. Then I came home.

Poof! Just like that [insert snapping fingers again]. Gone. In a puff of imaginary smoke.

I am ... so many things. I will not go into all the things I "am" at the moment because my thoughts are taking me to a place I don't want to dwell on. 

I have some important deadlines to meet. Then? I want to coast. Simply take time to wash windows during the week, putter in the yard, walk someplace for fun (and perhaps an indulgent refreshment as a reward). I want to phone a friend and visit without a time limit. I want to spend a weekday at my City Home without opening the door of my home office and just live a simple, quiet day.

I want a holiday from the day-to-day life as I know it. Nothing extravagant. I want to dabble in the feeling of what life in retirement could feel like. I want to dream.

These are the books I have borrowed from the library. I'm searching. I feel ready to shake up my world just a little bit. Or simply take a holiday.

I appreciate how fortunate I am to wake up to life-as-I-know-and-expect-it-to-be day after day.

I wake up feeling rested, healthy, ready to tackle the day with ease.

But there is a small voice within that is speaking to me.

There is much going on underneath the surface of this life of mine.

My little world is intertwined with those who don't wake up to all I take for granted.

What can I do?

Is there anything I can do?

I feel the need to build up my reserves so I'm ready.

Ready for what? 

I don't know.

I just know things do not stay the same and I thrive on same-ness.

In the meantime, I will just keep taking one forward step at a time.

Step by step, we get where we need to go.

One step at a time.

I Think I Need a Holiday

I wandered down our hallway to find our two furry felines doing what they do best:

I am so envious.

I'm ready for not only a "cat day", but a "cat week".

Thank goodness a long weekend is right around the corner.

It'll do.

Holiday - COVID style

 I invited my aunt to go on a short road trip with me a few days ago. 

Our destination was about an hour and a half out of the city. I assumed there would be a nice little walking path and enough to see to make it worth the trip. Then I made the decision to take the long way home in order to travel on a better highway. 

We left the city about 2:15 p.m.; arrived at our destination at 3:45 p.m.; back on the road home by 4:00; then re-entered the city limits by by 5:30. 

It was a perfect fall day. Crops were ripe and in various stages of harvest. The sky was blue, the weather was ideal and it was a very good day for a drive to no where (which is pretty much what it amounted to, as our final destination was definitely underwhelming). 

Our 3-1/2 hour day trip was enough for both me and my aunt. Both of us were eager to return home and stay home for the duration of the weekend to follow.

We pondered whether it was really worth the drive but I told my aunt "this" was my summer holiday this year. "This is and will be as far as I venture this year. Thank you for joining me!"

I had a déjà vu moment when I uttered the words "This is my holiday ..." Then I remembered. It was my last vacation at Mom's. Initially, I went out of concern for Mom, then stayed on longer than I had anticipated. Mom was worried about me missing work but I told her “this is my holiday” and I treated it as such. 

It was a vacation I will never regret. It was a spur of the moment decision at a time when I knew life as we knew it could change on a dime.

It was the right thing to do. Shortly thereafter, our lives were forever altered. Mom died within the month.

Vacations are a state of mind. The destination matters less than the company you keep and your ability to simply breathe in the moment you are in.

Holiday - COVID style found me on a day trip with my aunt. Something tells me I will never regret this holiday either.

The Vacation Not Taken

In a preemptive move after last year's excessive holiday spending, I started saving the vacation pay off of every pay cheque. I started my savings on August 31st. I have just been paid to July 31st. One year's savings have accumulated. 

One year of slow but steady saving has resulted in a grand total of $1,475.92 sitting in a little nest egg with the words "vacation pay" noted on each and every deposit.

In the grand scheme of things it is a pretty small amount. But if I hadn't put it aside, this very same amount of money would have been eaten up by day to day living. I am quite certain my chequing account would not have ended up with an excess equal to this amount. In my brain, chequing accounts = spending accounts. Money simply passes through and the goal is to keep it in the black (which normally results in a balance quite close to zero). 

Yes! I have a little vacation fund!! Yay, me!!!

Here I sit in my quiet little COVID world, spending little, going out less and quite enjoying the long harvest this year. I have spent many months squirreling away my acorns for a "winter" (aka: vacation) that is not on the horizon.

Do I long for time off? Yes. Do I wish I had vacation plans? No.

My thoughts continue to swirl around and focus on our home and the bathrooms that never got updated in the Year of Renovations. I think how fast $10,000 would go if we tackled a bathroom and I am quite happy to sit home and continue doing what I am doing.

I ponder the day when my 18 year old car will need to be replaced. Never in a million years would I replace it with a brand new vehicle but again, $10,000 would disappear very quickly when looking for a newer, reliable car.

I know the world is becoming restless with social distancing advisories, ever-increasing cases of COVID-19 and coming to terms with the realization that our "new normal" is unlike anything we have experienced in our lifetime.

I also realize our economy would be in real trouble if everyone in the world was content to stay home and squirrel away any excess they may find in their already sparse budget fearing the long, cold winter which may or may not be the result of this strange new world we are navigating. 

But I'm not adding to our country's deficit and I am paying my own way. So I am playing a small part in not worsening the state of our economy.

Another year of saving may result in doubling today's figure. One year in our future, a vacation may be something I would consider. The truth of the matter is we have absolutely no idea where we may be one year from now. Who would have ever predicted today's reality?

To save or not to save. That is the question.

I love the idea of my vacation fund. This small little savings account allows me a place to dream. Just a little. The vacation not taken this year will provide an opportunity for something else to step in, in its place. 

Eyebrows and Gratitude

I managed to do a few things right last fall. Number one - I started saving the "vacation pay" portion from my pay cheque each month. Number 2 - I didn't follow through with my application to get a passport.

Add a global pandemic to the above and you can see I have (what I consider to be) one of the best problems around. No place to go and a little bit of money in the bank.

As I looked into the longer range forecast of the months that lie ahead, I have wondered when we may travel freely between provinces. Leaving the country? Not even something I would consider any time soon, when that barrier is lifted. 

I am so grateful the unaffordable-at-the-time passport fee plus an unbecoming passport photo (I learned to draw in some eyebrows just in time for my driver's license photo renewal) stood in the way of getting a passport. Yes, I wasted money on a passport photo I'll never utilize BUT my driver's license photo actually looks better than the one from five years prior. It was a lesson that cost $31.97 but it gave me a gift that will last five years. Eyebrows matter.

Last year my spending exceeded my income. I am just starting to regain the ground I lost due to house maintenance, some in-country mini vacations and life in general. I am standing on solid ground and there is little temptation in sight. 

No invitations, no spur of the moment "let's do this or go there" ideas and no upcoming vacation plans. My budget is so relieved.

No vacation plans = no vacation time booked. What does that look like in the year forecast? Maybe, just maybe I can plan to book an extra day around a long weekend? Maybe I could book three day weekends for the summer? 

The country will open up in some fashion eventually. When it does, I will have last year's debt paid in full, a little money in the bank and holiday time available. In the meantime, I can sit still and appreciate all the outdoor maintenance accomplished last year and just take in the view. Everything I need is right in our own back yard. 

In light of the seriousness of the events going on in the world around us, I know this entire post is trivial and inane. But that is what makes it more important than it seems. When life feels like it is spiraling out of control, that is when I look toward the smaller picture. Gratitude for what I have. Gratitude that losing one opportunity may open the door to something new and unexpected. And gratitude for a driver's license photo where I am sporting eyebrows.

It's the little stuff that makes the biggest of difference at times. 

No Place Like Home

It feels harder and harder to look forward to "getting away from it all". Why in the world would I choose to get away from a place that fills me up and brings me joy? Holidays have become equivalent to the gift of simply being able to stay home. Is it any wonder I don't want to uproot myself and go anywhere?

I had hoped this holiday would be that of a "play it by ear" variety. No plans. Simply pick up and go, if and when the spirit moved me and the opportunity arose.

Then I accepted an invitation. No regrets. As always, I know I will be glad I have followed the path of least resistance. Even though saying "yes" was met with the pulling of some home-bound-heart-strings, I knew "yes" was the right answer.

By the time I post this, I will be home again. I can predict the future. I will be glad I went. I will be feeling the afterglow of some perfectly imperfect memories. At the moment, there is a little bit of angst in the unknown factor of our visit. By the time we return home, all anxieties will be put to rest.

I feel anxious as the entirety of my little family who is home, will be in a car headed in a westward direction to visit family.

As always, I wonder what if we don't make it back home again? Who will take care of our cats? What if the house alarm goes off? What if ... what if ... what if ...

Here I sit, in the moments before we leave home looking forward to the moment when we drive up our street upon our return home. Safe and sound, the house still standing and anxiously awaiting the moment when we see what our cats have been up to in our absence.

Be it ever so humble ... there is no place like home.

The Afterglow of My Vacation

It has been a week without to-do-lists, grocery lists, wish lists or guilt lists of any kind. I have returned back to life-as-I-know-it and I'm living in the present. It is a most wonderful place to be.

Unfortunately the weekend has arrived and the need for some groceries has arisen. I wrote a list. The car needs gas, I am out of cash so the need to cash in our bottles has arisen and if I want to move forward with getting a passport, I must get a passport picture taken.

I found myself scribbling down words in my "morning pages" which consisted of a dream list. The author who led the writing workshop I recently attended has three suggested life changing actions I (hope) to incorporate into my life:

• Morning pages - three pages, written in long hand each and every morning. This action declutters your mind puts your thoughts into a "send" mode
• Artist dates - set a date by yourself, for yourself to seek out and enjoy whatever is calling to you, to be in a "receive" mode
• Walk

My morning pages consisted of writing ideas of what I could do by myself, for myself to set myself in a mode to "receive" whatever may be forthcoming.

Normally, I return from a holiday and I'm intent on catching up on the blogs I follow, working to catch up on my online word and number puzzles and new lists begin.

This holiday, I came home and did none of the above. I simply took one forward step at a time. This motion got me through to today. A day where new lists have begun but I hope without the frenzy of anxiety that has been my motivating factor lately.

I feel renewed. I know this feeling will subside but it is my hope if I follow the advise I learned in the writing workshop I attended, I can keep my feet on the ground and focus on the present.

Being "present" and at home is where I most want to be. I wish you the same.

Removing Obstacles

It was a holiday I didn't know I needed until I walked back into life-as-I-know it.

A writing workshop gave me the tools I need to make the most out of my life outside of work. I rekindled friendships and family connections. This holiday has sparked the idea of "next time" ...

I went back to work yesterday and I started filling out my application for a passport this morning.

The passport will be good for ten years. I just want to make it easy to say "yes" to whatever opportunity presents itself next.

My default answer has become "No, but thank you for asking". I have been grateful for the obstacles that assisted me in declining invitations. Applying for a passport is one step in a positive direction. Saying "yes" is still a little daunting to me. But I think I'm ready to remove one of the obstacles I have fallen back on many times.

What can you do NOW, to make it easier to say "yes" to the next invitation life may present you? One small step in a forward direction is a very good step to take.

It's All History Now

The past few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind and there has been little (no) time to blog or keep up to date on the mundane little things I do to mark my time here in my small little world at home. Normally I would feel the need to catch up on "all of the above" but now that I have sat back and enjoyed a few quiet days at home, none of this catching up feels necessary.

I hope the highlight reel of this time of great busyness trickles out in the form of blog posts as time goes by but I am not going to force the words. They will come when they are ready.

A writing workshop is one of the first things I attended during this blog writing sabbatical. The workshop was less about writing and more about finding your creative self. After one full day of immersing myself in this workshop, my takeaway from that was:

• Wireless Sundays - Sunday will be my day to disconnect from technology and reconnect with the life that is right in front of me
• Walk more. I write these words and wonder "when"? I'm not quite certain how and when I can accomplish this and I am immediately recalling all of the excuses that have led to this sedentary life I lead
• Artist dates. This is simply setting aside time to do something alone to take in what the world has to offer (if I combine this with walking, maybe I can kill two birds with one stone)
• Morning pages, morning pages, morning pages - 3, 8-1/2 X 11" pages of long hand writing, written first thing every morning to clear the clutter of one's mind 

I hope to accomplish tackling this small list of things to do, to find the "me" I used to be. I used to find my answers in the quietness. Technology, TV, Netflix and the constant connection to the world via cell phones creates an eternal buzz. We are far too connected within this world of ours. This connection serves a beneficial purpose but the cost is high.

As I sit at the tail end of this holiday I have taken, I am relaxed, replenished and open to the idea of trying the tasks I have mentioned. I have been, gone, seen and done everything that I set out to do. Now it is time to settle in and renovate my inner self one step at a time. 

I went into this holiday feeling overwhelmed, anxious and eager to put it all behind me. I knew I would enjoy every single part of this time away from my regularly scheduled life. I was right. I simply need to work on finding a balance that doesn't tip the scales too far one way. I am hopeful I am on the right track.

Two days of forced solitude at the tail end of these holidays was exactly what I needed. I am grateful for the preparation and appointment I had today which enforced this time of quiet before I head back into my life. There is no way to go but forward. It's all history now ...

Negative Nellie, I am So Done With You!

In the interest in "burying the lead" and ensuring my last blog post isn't the first one to appear on this blog I must find something light and breezy to write.

I pulled out the scrap of paper with all the blog ideas I had but didn't have time to write. 

• "Holidays never felt so hard"
• "So sick of worrying about things that don't happen"
• "Waiting for everything to be out of my hands"
• "Inner Margaret" (the need to find joy and leave the rest behind in the nearest ditch)
• "Never looked forward to a colonoscopy so much"

Hmmm ... apparently I did need a little holiday. I was sounding a little angst-y in the weeks that preceded my vacation this year. It is apparent to me now, that there may have been a reason none of those blog ideas materialized.

I hope to dig the positive out of the negative now that I'm back in the land of living my life. The Negative Nellie in my mind must move over. She has had her say and now it is time to take back the reins and steer my thoughts in a more light hearted direction.

All Good Things Must Come to an End

I don't want to go home. But I must...

I have done nothing of value since I arrived at my son's farm except for feeding the animals. I fed myself. I slept. I read (and read and read some more). I watched programs I had downloaded off of Netflix. I talked to the cats. Lots. I have tried to make my presence here invisible before I pack up and head home.

I will go talk to the animals some more before I go. I will feed them one more time. Then I must go home. Back to life in the city. I have another week to put in before I can do this "weekend thing" all over again.

How in the world can I do so little and feel so okay about it?

I have declared this weekend a vacation. A vacation away from home and from all responsibilities I have there. Our cats have fended for themselves and now I must go home and clean cat litter. More cat litter. And more cat litter (I put out three extra kitty litter boxes during my absence).

We will need some groceries. The house will need to be vacuumed. There is little more to do other than prepare myself for the week ahead of me.

I have had nothing of value to write during my stay here. I have simply been in awe of all I love about this place my son calls home. I did write a short poem:

We have a fly,

I shall call him Fred.

I can't find a fly swatter

so I'll name him instead.

That is all. It has been a most excellent vacation away from home. I'm so glad I came.

Booked!

Whew!! All decisions have been made and I have committed to booking and paying for everything that is up and coming within the next few months. That felt hard.

I have committed to three separate out-of-town experiences which will all take place within a one month space of time. Three completely and totally different experiences - all of which will be thoroughly enjoyable. Of this, I am certain.

#1 - A sister road trip to spend some time with our brother. We are staying close to Mom's home turf. Focus is on family, visiting and simply enjoying the moments. Perfection!

#2 - A writing workshop with a few close friends. A full day workshop with friends who feel like sisters to me. This is a recipe for a very good day. This will be followed the next day with a dinner theater experience with another sister-friend who introduced me to this unique kind of fun. Excellent!

#3 - A birthday gathering for an uncle who is incredibly special to me. I will be minus the comfort of being among my own siblings but this will open the door to a cousin bonding experience which I feel sure I will never regret.

All accommodations are now booked. I booked my flight this morning.

I am shaking in my boots a tiny little bit. This is an awful lot of commitment to spending time away from home. It is compounded by an extraordinary amount of spending.

I can't wait to pay for all of this. Between home renovations/maintenance, compounded with an unexpected car repair and the addition of three separate away-from-home excursions, my credit cards are begging to be left alone. They are smokin' hot from all the activity of late.

My most anticipated holiday is the one that will cost the least. I'm spending the weekends out at my son's farm in his absence. I anticipate the company of his farm full of furry friends and more quiet than I will know what to do with. No booking required.

**This little post with no life lesson attached is brought to you courtesy of the aftermath of committing fully to all of the above**

Commitment is a hard but necessary part of living. And that is all I know about that.

Accountability

With Great Spending, comes Great Accountability.

Oh dear.

That is all I can say.

Painting + upcoming house insurance (I forgot to account for that) + upcoming holidays = "Houston, we have a problem"

There is nothing I have created that cannot be solved. Long story short, I cannot wait until this Time of Great Spending is behind me. I am very much looking forward to living my quiet, modest little life, spent sitting in or outside our home and simply admiring all that has been accomplished.

The exterior painting of our home was long over due. It was the tipping point and the one expense I should not have added to this year's budget. But it had to be done. It was the right thing to do.

I have booked holidays when my financial state of affairs were in far worse condition than my present day situation. Sometimes you simply have to act on what feels right because that particular opportunity will never arise again. I have never regretted any holiday spending I have ever allowed myself. Never. I am certain this will be the case once again.

The house insurance? I can't believe it fell off my radar. I will plan for this expected expense next year. This was my bad.

It all works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out yet, it is not yet the end.

It's all good. I will be held accountable for all I have spent. No one has done this to me. I have done this myself.

This Time of Great Spending has been fun. But it must end. And that's all I have to say about that.

All Over the Map

I've travelled so many miles today that I feel like I'm suffering from motion sickness. Honestly. And I have barely even left my computer desk...

I have been planning and scheming and trying to fit all the pieces for my October holiday into place. I foresee one of my most memorable holidays in the making and all I had to do was say "yes"!

Yes!! To attend a writing workshop with one of my best friends.

Yes!! To attending a 90th birthday party celebration with family.

It is all the ins and outs of each of these invitations has turned a simple yes into invitations for others to join .

Would you like to join us at a writing workshop? The answer - a resounding Yes!!

Shall we go to a dinner theatre and an invitation for another to join us? The answers - two more eager Yeses!!

I am hoping my third unasked (and perhaps unremarkable) invitation to a Sunday Brunch also results in an easy Yes!!

Would you like for me to check into some 2 bedroom BnB options? Another Yes!!

I could already picture Cousin Visiting Spots when my cousins said Yes!!, they could foresee the same thing.

Sometimes, a person simply needs to be invited.

Other times, a person needs others to take the lead which makes for an "easy yes" on the receiving end.

The yin and the yang of life. I am feeling the pull and the slack of life's ebbs and flows. All the ebbing and flowing have me feeling a tad sea sick.

It's time to look up and marvel at the way everything unfolds from here ...

Doing the Hard Things (the easy way)

A lot of invitations have been forthcoming recently. Each and every one of them have been "easy yeses". I'm going with the flow and the flow is taking me down a diverse and interesting path.

I'm shaking in my boots just a little bit as I type. I am a girl who loves uncommitted calendar pages and the pages are filling up fast. As I scan four months into my future, I foresee only six free weekends. The positive side to this scenario is that there are only three out-of-city events. I can do this. I CAN.

Some weekends revolve around preparations for painting (which are 95% complete and I do/have done very little, if any of it myself); staining the deck; one-day commitments; live theatre events; a writing workshop; a handful of family-filled-fun occasions, sprinkled generously with friends.

It is a very balanced itinerary. Work interspersed with fun, friendship, family and free time. You can see by the coincidental alliteration of all the "F" parts of the equation, the one part that is not like the others - "work". But work is essential to all that follows.

I have postponed my summer vacation in lieu of a fall one.

My summer vacation plans consisted of sitting still and staring at the house. Something I can work into those completely free days I can foresee in the upcoming months.

My fall vacation plans are new and interesting, mixed in with the known and familiar.

Balance. Life works best when everything falls into a good mixture of everything that sustains us. We need to work as much as we need to play. We (I) do best with enough down time to offset the busy time.

Health, happiness, family, friends, work and leisure. Hopefully this all ends with a balanced budget as well.

I'm waking up and doing hard things (making commitments) before I head into my days. It has been surprisingly easy. One step at a time. The months ahead are bound to be filled with new perspective, thoughts and ideas.

A Fresh New Page

As much as I think the New Year is a non-event for me, I must admit it felt rather cathartic to file away 2018 and flip the brand new calendar into the year 2019.

I struggled through some of 2018. I went on a few "fly away" vacations. I stepped out of my solitude, I worked, I played and had some fun. 

I have stepped into My Next Chapter Without a Map. I have few guidelines to follow other than a loosely thrown together list of intentions for the months as they unfold:

#1 - Next year, I am going to book two weeks of holidays over Christmas. I am not quite ready to return to life as I know it. I am JUST starting to feel a renewal of energy and wish I had more days at my disposal to start acting upon that which is starting to stir within.

#2 - START the process of decluttering with my own belongings. Mom's room, Mom's memorabilia and all the sentimental stuff has been stopping me in my tracks. I can still begin. I will just start where it is easiest. With MY stuff.

#3 - Slow and steady wins the race. As I sit here after ten full days of simply breathing, eating and following the easiest path, I feel "a list" formulating in my mind. The list of "I should's" are daunting. There is so much to do that I don't have the energy to do a thing. One. Small. Step. At. A. Time. Add ONE new habit. Live it. Breathe it. Incorporate it into my day. Once it becomes second nature, add a second life affirming action into my day.

#4 - Buy better groceries. Having good-for-us and easy to assemble food in the kitchen is one habit I want to add into our life. This is easier said while not living my regularly scheduled life. I will do my best. I will try.

#5 - Write. Just write. Whether I write in a journal, send off a note or an email or blog. I want to return to a world where my heart to fingertip connection is reignited.

I write this list of things-to-do and already I feel like I am biting off more than I can chew. ONE small step at a time. 

I feel the angst of having to step back into my daily work world. This holiday has been just what I needed. A lot of quiet. No pressure. A life where I wake up, open the curtains and greet the day before me with a little bit of joy.

How can I do this while working? 

Perhaps I need to add ...

#6 - When I wake up in the morning, GET up. No turning on the TV. No lulling myself back to sleep with my Netflix addiction of the moment. WAKE up. GET up. CREATE the time I need by being wakeful during the early morning hours. Be PRESENT. Do not sleep through my down time. 

2019 will be a year where I strive to live each day with INTENTION. I may intend to have a relaxing day. I may intend to have a day focused on living outside this cozy little oasis. I may intend to accomplish ONE hard thing. I simply need to set my intentions before I put my feet on the ground. 

ONE hard thing at a time. ONE hour at a time. Perhaps that ONE hour could be devoted to my word puzzle addiction. Do some of the hard things. Add joy. Fulfill my own needs. Find a balance. Expect that balance to change. 

I feel like I walked through 2018 in my sleep. It was not an INTENTIONAL year. It simply unfolded. That is okay. It is what I needed.

But it is time for a change. ONE small step at a time.

Home for Christmas (and loving every moment of it)

Life has been quiet. I have been on holidays for eight days and I haven't strayed far from home other than absolutely necessary. It has been ... perfect.

My life has evolved over the course of the past several years. From daycaring, to Momcaring, to the year which followed. A year of work, rest and a LOT of vacation time away from home.

I'm a homebody. I love home. I love quiet. I feel like I could envelope myself within this tiny little world and it would be enough. 

I keep beating myself up for not having the ambition I "should" have. Where has it gone? Will it return? When do I start "filling myself up" by achieving small goals and tending to everything within this oasis I call home?

These are the conversations with myself:

"The Year of Mom" took a toll. I came home to work, regroup, tend to what needed tending and then went back to Mom's. Rinse and repeat. Over and over. I did this until it didn't need to be done.

Then I rested.

"The Year After Mom" took its toll in its own way. Who was I if I wasn't looking out for Mom's best interests? Before and after her death, Mom was my priority. I could hear her words and remember her eyes as I mulled over conversations of the past. Mom accompanied me through that time long after she left our world. She was a force to be reckoned with. 

After I had done all I could do, I broke. I fell into a million tiny pieces and I had to put them together each and every morning to do what had to be done. I slept. I worked. I ate. Rinse and repeat. Over and over. I did this until it didn't need to be done any longer.

I started to become whole throughout the last part of the year. I woke up in one piece each morning and my feet didn't feel as heavy. I could do hard things and get through the days. I still lived for the weekend though. My definition of a perfect weekend is a weekend when I don't have to leave home. Home is where I most want to be. 

I vacationed. I didn't think I could. But I did it. I made plans. I followed through. I had fun while I was away from home and enjoyed every moment of the experience. But coming home was still the highlight. Home. There is no place like it!!

Then came "Christmas". Holidays without a plan. I have anticipated these holidays like no other. Time off work with no place to go, no expectations, no needs to be met. Christmas at home was the perfect gift at the end of this second Christmas without Mom.

I knew I should accomplish something with this time. I should paint. I should organize and cull the excess. I should write. I should, I should, I should ....

The "shoulds" started screaming at me. I heard little else until I shut them down. I would stay home. I would buy groceries. We would eat well throughout my time off. I would follow my whims and see where they took me.

They haven't taken me very far.

I have spent one day "Netflixing". I spent another day glued to an addictive "Word Wipe" game trying to beat my highest score. I have spent endless hours following the Internet path of where my curiousity takes me. I have done up a "preliminary 2018 income tax return" and know where I stand with my taxes. I read a book. 

I made turkey soup with Thanksgiving Day turkey broth. I boiled up Christmas Day turkey bones for soup broth at a later date. I have cooked a few meals. I have assembled easy-to-grab sandwich fixings for lunch. I made breakfast Christmas morning. I have supplied food for the season and it has been good.

I have talked with three friends. I have emailed a few relatives. I called my uncle Christmas morning. Even within this fortress of solitude, I have brought friends and family into my safe little bubble. All, while sitting here in my pj's. I have been having the time of my life.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. 

I'm a homebody. I love home. I love quiet. I feel like I could envelope myself within this tiny little world and it would be enough. 

I know enough to be careful what I wish for. What if "this" was all I could have? What if I didn't live in a world where invitations, interaction, work obligations, friends and family weren't at my fingertips? Would this be enough?

I know it wouldn't be. I know I have this incredible peace within me because I have a sense of purpose combined with strong, safe relationships with people outside of my tiny little bubble. 

My bubble wrapped little world. I'm not taking may risks here yet. I'll keep taking one forward step at a time. Peace and contentment first. The rest will follow ...