I Only Have a Kitchen Because It Came With the House

Something mystical and magical has happened in and around the domain of our kitchen the past while. The aroma of food cooked from ingredients has been wafting through the air much more than usual.

This all began in and around the time I took off at Christmas. I had twelve consecutive days off of work from all sources. I had few demands on my time and rarely had to leave this little sanctuary I like to call home. In order to stay put, I had to stock up on a few groceries.

The groceries I selected were easy to assemble meals. But they were meals which consisted of meat, potatoes, vegetables &/or a salad. I picked up a little fruit. I topped off any needed grocery items. Then I stayed home and hibernated.

It was a hibernation which included eating food, but it was hibernation none-the-less. I had to cook to survive.

This was the beginning of a time of subtle change.

I did very little more than soak up the solitude and better food choices. I pumped myself full of everything I needed to get through the longest part of winter. I shored up my reserves, set a few new intentions and headed into the new year in a better mind set than I've had for a while.

I made very few changes other than taking care of my feet, writing daily and eating a little better. A little self care + some writing therapy + healthier food choices = a more grounded "me".

This grounded version of myself has been able to make decisions, do hard things, endure tough days and walk forward from whatever life has had in store.

And ...

The reason I write all this today is because this grounded "me" is not using kitchen renovations as an excuse to indulge in take out food choices. I am cooking.

I had this conversation with the repair person I spoke to when I couldn't get our new-to-us oven to work yesterday (we now have a white fridge, microwave AND stove!). "I had planned on using the oven this weekend ...". I didn't add the part about hoping to heat up frozen pizza, but I did not tell a lie. The friendly repair guy gave me enough direction to figure out the puzzle of turning on the oven and voila! We were all ready and set to go.

This new-to-us stove is probably the oldest stove I've had to date. I don't want new "disposable" kitchen appliances. I want the old stuff. Appliances that were built to last (which come with a six month guarantee):

I'm loving the look of our new-to-us appliances!

I always like to show off my newly cleaned oven because one never knows when it may look like this again (unfortunately, our new-to-us oven came with the previous owner's cooking debris).

Guess what is in that pot on top of the stove. Homemade turkey soup. Yes! Sustenance for today and maybe a day or two beyond.

That is ... if it isn't too "sagey". I couldn't smell the aroma of sage and "turkey soup" so I thought I'd sprinkle just a little bit more sage. Only the lid wasn't firmly attached and 1/4 of the can of sage I just opened fell onto the top of the soup. This is what I was able to scoop off:

Despite the unfortunate sage incident, soup is still on and I will not fret about cooking today. I've done enough for one day. 

I am already enjoying puttering in our new kitchen and renovations are still underway. A new kitchen and I'm cooking in it too?! 

At this rate, I may need to find a new place for this:

Tapped Out

I'm starting to fade. We are eighteen days into January and my new and improved plan to lead an intentional life. I'm tuckering out.

Is it the weather? It is -32º outside. It's COLD out there. It's nice and cozy inside. I want to stay home.

Is it my working hours? Being out of the house for ten+ hours is hard. So hard. I love being at home. Renovated or not. Nestled up inside this warm, cozy cocoon is exactly where I want to be. The long days are taking a toll.

Is it time? I've been revved up and trying to do this "living an intentional life" thing right for eighteen days, minus two Sundays where my ambition and drive withered up and disappeared, thus returning me to my cocoon state for one much needed day of rest after six hard days of life. I'm simply in need of an extra "Sunday" this week.

Is it the upcoming renovation project? As daunting as I know it will be, I think the idea of renovating is fuelling me. This is good.

Is it the outpouring of cash? The dollar signs are flashing through my mind as I try to forecast my financial future. I know it will be okay. But it is hard.

Is it the up and coming commitments I have on the horizon? I don't think so. I'm actually very much looking forward to my upcoming weekend plans. I do love the fact that my ability to look forward to and anticipate extra curricular activities has returned. To a point.

I simply don't have the energy, motivation or desire for "more". I am not looking for anything beyond what already exists here within my cozy little world. I'm not looking for anything beyond what I already have. I am content. So content.

I thrive on quiet and alone time. Solitude fortifies and restores me. That ... and light. It is 8:30 a.m., I just cracked the blinds open a little and the sky is starting to show signs of lightening.

The days are a little longer. The weather is a little colder. It is January. I am simply craving a "snow day".

I don't know why I stopped to write here today other than the fact I'm trying to restore the habit of writing into my days. That, and taking care of my feet. Yes, I tend to my cuticles and buff my calloused feet every time I bath. Adding ONE good habit at a time.

I have added writing and foot-care into my daily regimen. That is enough.

The end.

Breaking All the Rules

I set out (what I thought were) a few easy guidelines to follow in order to change my life. It sounded easy. "Rest when you are tired" and "Eat when you are hungry". I tacked on "Do one hard thing every day" because I was feeling brave.

Well!

Rest when you are tired. I was tired when I was at work. My eyes wanted to slam shut and stay there for a short spell. It was SO hard to stay awake, so we walked instead. That worked (and walking is better than eating).

After overruling my tiredness, I came home and didn't feel "tired". I felt overwhelmed by the day. I was so overwhelmed that I forgot to pick up my son from University. I didn't realize the error of my ways until I pulled into the driveway and noticed the living room curtains were exactly how I left them.

Oh no!! I had completely forgotten about my son. Thankfully he is 20 years old, had a cell phone and when I called to let him know him I was on my way, he just laughed. Whew.

Back to my story...

As I was saying, by the time I returned home (the second time) I wasn't tired. I was just tired of the day. So I reached for food. I wasn't hungry. I was empty. I filled the void with food. As I did this, I thought "There goes 'Rule #1' "; followed by the thought "Who cares!" and "Why didn't I pick up chips on the way home??"

To be very honest, my obsession with the knowledge that there were NO chips in the house is very likely the reason I forgot to pick up my son. My prevailing thought after work was "Should I pick up some chips??" I was so proud of myself for making the right choice and coming straight home, the fact that my son waiting for me didn't even cross my mind.

Overruling exhaustion when it hits is a bad habit I noticed my young daycare crowd had when it came to trying to avoid sleeping at nap time. Some of these little people were tired and cranky AND fought sleep. When they slept, they were so much more content, happy and easy to be around.

When I fight the waves of exhaustion, I "manage" but my tolerance to let the small stuff slide slips. I push myself through the day. I stay awake when my body is craving sleep. I come home and think I deserve a reward for getting through the day.

Thus, I break rule #1 and rule #2 that I made for myself. I eat to stay awake.

Admitting I have a problem isn't solving the issue at hand. I need to do the hard work myself. Last night I went to bed when I was tired (after the bowl of popcorn was gone). I woke up feeling rested. The weight of the world isn't sitting on my shoulders (though I think it did take up residence in my neck because it was a bit of a mess this morning).

During the week, doing "one hard thing each day" = "leaving the house". On some level I am succeeding. I think back to one year ago today and I know I have come a long way.

A year ago, my thoughts were completely consumed with Mom. I was low. I felt lost. I felt like I was dragging around the weight of the world with each and every step. Leaving the house felt physical painful. It was soooo hard.

I've come a long way. But I have a long way to go.

A Fresh New Page

As much as I think the New Year is a non-event for me, I must admit it felt rather cathartic to file away 2018 and flip the brand new calendar into the year 2019.

I struggled through some of 2018. I went on a few "fly away" vacations. I stepped out of my solitude, I worked, I played and had some fun. 

I have stepped into My Next Chapter Without a Map. I have few guidelines to follow other than a loosely thrown together list of intentions for the months as they unfold:

#1 - Next year, I am going to book two weeks of holidays over Christmas. I am not quite ready to return to life as I know it. I am JUST starting to feel a renewal of energy and wish I had more days at my disposal to start acting upon that which is starting to stir within.

#2 - START the process of decluttering with my own belongings. Mom's room, Mom's memorabilia and all the sentimental stuff has been stopping me in my tracks. I can still begin. I will just start where it is easiest. With MY stuff.

#3 - Slow and steady wins the race. As I sit here after ten full days of simply breathing, eating and following the easiest path, I feel "a list" formulating in my mind. The list of "I should's" are daunting. There is so much to do that I don't have the energy to do a thing. One. Small. Step. At. A. Time. Add ONE new habit. Live it. Breathe it. Incorporate it into my day. Once it becomes second nature, add a second life affirming action into my day.

#4 - Buy better groceries. Having good-for-us and easy to assemble food in the kitchen is one habit I want to add into our life. This is easier said while not living my regularly scheduled life. I will do my best. I will try.

#5 - Write. Just write. Whether I write in a journal, send off a note or an email or blog. I want to return to a world where my heart to fingertip connection is reignited.

I write this list of things-to-do and already I feel like I am biting off more than I can chew. ONE small step at a time. 

I feel the angst of having to step back into my daily work world. This holiday has been just what I needed. A lot of quiet. No pressure. A life where I wake up, open the curtains and greet the day before me with a little bit of joy.

How can I do this while working? 

Perhaps I need to add ...

#6 - When I wake up in the morning, GET up. No turning on the TV. No lulling myself back to sleep with my Netflix addiction of the moment. WAKE up. GET up. CREATE the time I need by being wakeful during the early morning hours. Be PRESENT. Do not sleep through my down time. 

2019 will be a year where I strive to live each day with INTENTION. I may intend to have a relaxing day. I may intend to have a day focused on living outside this cozy little oasis. I may intend to accomplish ONE hard thing. I simply need to set my intentions before I put my feet on the ground. 

ONE hard thing at a time. ONE hour at a time. Perhaps that ONE hour could be devoted to my word puzzle addiction. Do some of the hard things. Add joy. Fulfill my own needs. Find a balance. Expect that balance to change. 

I feel like I walked through 2018 in my sleep. It was not an INTENTIONAL year. It simply unfolded. That is okay. It is what I needed.

But it is time for a change. ONE small step at a time.

Accidental Kick Start to the Day

My son (who is car pooling with someone who picks him up almost every day) looked up and said, "I haven't heard from my ride this morning". I replied, "Do you need a ride?" Him, "Dunno".

I shot up like a flash, had a quick bath and was getting dressed when my son told me his ride was awake and I was off the hook.

So I was dressed and ready to go an hour and a half earlier than I have managed to force myself to move this entire week.

My procrastination skills are becoming very finely honed. That is a habit I know I should kick.

I enjoy the comfort and ease of this relaxed way of living. Is it truly relaxing though? When the to-do and should-do and would-like-to-have-done lists grow and gnaw at me, am I really relaxed?

 ...

I wrote that paragraph, stopped in my tracks, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed the upstairs, changed out all the towels, made my lunch, checked into my son's student health insurance coverage and started the car.

No, leading a procrastinated life is not comfortable. There are always a minimum of ten must-do items on my list of things-to-be-done. The only way out of that conundrum is to DO something. Anything.

I woke up a half hour earlier. I got dressed for the day an hour earlier. I have a tidy home to come home to at the end of the day and I still have time to return bottles on my way to work.

I need to get in the habit of automatically kick starting my day. It is the only way out, through and beyond this habit of procrastination.

And I'm off...