Week Days = Weak Days

My life depletes me.

I feel the constant pull, tug and drag of to-do's; should-do's; must-do's; and want-to-do's at every turn.

I was catapulted into the week at hand with (what felt like) a hundred things pulling and tugging at me the moment I returned from my weekend oasis.

Cats. Cat hair. Cat litter. Cat sneaked under my covers. Again. 

Work. Phone. Work. Email. Work. Texts.

Yard.

I left my weekend oasis fully charged and ready for the week.

Monday depleted me. Tuesday took what was left over.

One deadline will be met today. Six more are looming.

Wednesday used to feel like my "power day". I was back in the swing of things and running on all cylinders. Lately, I feel as if I'm running on all cylinders all the time.

My week days make me weak in the knees.

I'm ready for a holiday.

TGIF

An unoriginal title for a worn and tired being at the keyboard. I've said it before and I'll say it again (and again and again), I cannot believe I am 62 years old and still living for the weekend.

The weekdays exhaust me. I never catch up within my bookkeeping world and investigating the stories behind the numbers is a never-ending challenge. I am working well beyond my limitations and I feel imprisoned by my role. I wanted only to be a plain and simple "bookkeeper". I have little to no desire to take what I've learned and become anything more. I've hit my peak and I do not aspire to go any higher. I'm done. I am so done.

My senior supper hour partner is losing ground. Conversations that were simply repetitive have taken on a new tone. Words such as hate; ugly; never; can't; won't; no have entered the building and humor has started looking at the door. I realized as I was walking out the door last night, that I have stopped smiling. I will try and try again. This time I will look hard at my own language and sense of humor.

There have been challenges related to work, that go above and beyond all expectations. A stolen wallet set off a chain reaction I'm still battling. Banking transactions that should be black and white are all shades of cloudy. Yesterday I walked in and out of the bank and was able to accomplish my mission without question and ended with a friendly smile from a teller I have come to know fairly well during this time of woe. 

There! That is what I must shift my focus towards. A genuine parting smile and little joke is how I ended my evening with my senior supper partner. A wide grin from my teller and the words, "Done! Is there anything else I can help you with?" I am reclaiming some "white space" within my home office. It is a battle I will never win but I am keeping the enemy at bay.

Now, if only there was a positive spin I could find to manage the relentless shedding of cat hair within this home of ours. I have vacuumed four times in six days and there is no noticeable improvement. When life gives you this much cat hair, what can one do but stuff a quilt?

Positive language. A sense of humor. A relentless desire to push beyond the piles of paper to rediscover the table within.

If all else fails, let the magic of a weekend revive your spirit. Happy Friday!!

Gen-DriveThru

"Gen X"  is where I officially fall within the Baby Boomers, Millennials and the Gen-classifications. But as I wandered through my morning, I began thinking that I belong to the Gen-Instant-Satisfaction era.

Drive-thru restaurants where you don't even have to get out of the car to enjoy a meal you didn't have to make has now been expanded to ordering groceries online and popping the trunk to let someone else load the groceries they have selected, scanned and then deliver/load right into the trunk of the car. Shopping online, where all you have to do is wait for the delivery date of said item. Phone appointments with anyone who doesn't need to physically see you. Instant access to movies, TV series and any number of things you may be interested in seeing are as simple as signing into your video streaming account, YouTube or any number of online videos available. 

Googling anything that has spurred my interest has become my most fascinating diversion. My most recent deep dive into the interwebs has been in search of Jane Fonda's quotes, interviews and books. I love listening to Glennon Doyle's podcast "We Can Do Hard Things" but have longed for a "Glennon" who is older than me. Someone who has experienced what I have, as I hit my Third Act (as per Jane Fonda). Lo and behold, Glennon/Abby/Amanda interviewed Jane Fonda on their podcast last week and I think Jane is the mentor I have been looking for.

The moment Jane spoke of starting over again at age 62, I thought to myself "She gets it!! She has already waded through this phase I've hit!" I immediately reserved her book Prime Time from the library (reserved online, of course, and a quick in/out trip at the library through the self checkout was almost as simple as picking up groceries) and I started thumbing through it last night.

I haven't delved deep into the book yet but as I leafed through some of the chapters that caught my interest, my attention was drawn to the need to move/walk/exercise regularly to maintain one's physical health. Moving a little and continuing to live a sedentary life is not the solution. 

So walking alone is not my answer. Walking is good for my body and good for my soul. I can feel it with every step I take (except when winter walking conditions prevail). What I need to add to that recipe is to come home and continue to do something physical. Clean that room. Organize and cull those piles. Keep busy and moving. But (and here is my excuse) I have a bookkeeping job to do. Then I spend the supper hours sitting idle with a senior who finds it hard to move and walk freely.

I cannot blame my job(s) for my inactivity. It is a pretty good alibi but I am the one who is responsible for sitting idly in front of the TV or computer or couch in my down time.

Thus, I started thinking of my desire for a drive-thru, instant gratification option for my lack of desire and motivation to move and live life in a healthier fashion. Could I hire someone to come in and clean the house and organize my office? If only I could start from a clean slate, certainly I could maintain it.

If only ...

If only came and went three years ago. At the end of our home renewal (reno), "all I had to do" was keep on top of the cleaning/dusting/cat hair. When I started working from home when pandemic recommendations suggested work-from-home alternatives, I started with a perfectly clean and organized office. All I had to do was keep it up to date.

I had my clean slate and now it is all dusty, cat-hairy and the piles of papers in my office make my knees go weak.

Instant satisfaction is what I am craving. The answer is to pull up my socks and just do it. This aligns with Jane's advice to stop living such a sedentary life. All the stars have aligned. The answers are staring me right in the face. 

So why am I craving McDonald's so badly right now? Yes, I am officially one of the Gen-DriveThru era.

Time Warp

Time has a magical way of ticking away no matter if one is sleeping or awake.

I started waking up early enough to give myself two bonus morning hours. The first few days were magical. Every time I looked at the clock, I patted myself on the back. I would have still been sleeping at this time last week. Each extra morning minute was a blessing.

Then life happened.

I started "doing all the hard things" so when my work day began, I had no tasks, phone calls, follow-ups or chores left. I opened my office door and worked with little distraction. I got things accomplished, in and out of that little office.

Then technology failed me.

I have oh-so-many tales to tell. One issue resolved is filled up by the next which had been silently waiting in line. I ticked off the boxes, fixed all I could fix myself and called for help when necessary. What would have buried me back in my early days of "computering" was managed sufficiently. 

Then came the challenges I brought on myself. "Oh no! The dishwasher isn't working right!!" I had forgotten I had run a rinse cycle the last time I used it; changed the settings; fixed. "Oh no! The kettle isn't working either!!" I had forgot to turn it on. "Oh no!! The microwave won't work!!" That one required outside assistance in the form of a might handy son. "Oh no! I can't sign into [something I set up last week]" I was accessing the account from the wrong site. 

Sometimes? We create our own havoc.

Yesterday, all was going according to plan. Until it wasn't. A phone call that was supposed to be a cut and dried answer and fix to my dilemma took an hour before I had to abandon ship and tend to incoming work calls and text messages. 

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. So I left.Two prior unsuccessful attempts to make bank deposits for my employer resulted in my decision to make this deposit close to home at (what I thought would be) a time when the bank wasn't busy. A chivalrous young person opened the door for me to enter and I repaid the favor by ensuring they got their place in front of me in the non-existent line. Their turn arrived swiftly. Mine didn't. Ten minutes in line. Five minutes with a new teller learning the ropes. Tick. Tick. Tick.

I had barely left home when the "check engine light" came on. Today? Really? Why do things feel like they compound on an already challenging day?

Another busy day at the office resulted in my mind pinging from one task to the next, fielding tasks which used to fall outside my realm of duty. Talking on the land line, when my cell phone rings is becoming part of my new reality. It happened again. And again. 

Finally, finally, finally!! The end of my day was nearing when I received an important call back in regards to my second job at the EXACT moment my son walked in the back door. I had to abandon (what I assumed would be) a brief face-to-face encounter with family, for the sake of duty.

Sigh.

I toyed with the idea of stopping at the store and picking up some chips at the end of my very long day (made even longer by getting up two hours early!), but talked myself out of it. I just wanted to go home.

How would the day have unfolded if I hadn't gotten up early? How did those hours vanish into thin air? Would I have maintained my sense of peace without those bonus morning hours? Perhaps not.

Even when one grants themselves a little extra time it often gets lost as the day progresses. If something you do brings a sense of calm into what may or may not become a hectic day, do it anyway. You deserve it.

Best Under Pressure

I stepped into June knowing it would be a tough month. I had a job to do and there was no option. It had to be done. And it was.

As busy as I knew the month would be, I added more to my personal to-do-list than I have done in a very long time. I got up early so I had time to walk, do my puzzles, write and tend to a few things around the house before I opened the door to my work-from-home day job. I went to my second job after that. Then wound up the day early, satisfied with what I had accomplished in the day.

Then all deadlines were met. And I crashed.

I have taken up sleeping in and all but given up walking. After a long, hard month at my work-from-home-job with no holiday in sight, I deemed this week a "mental holiday" break. I have done what must be done. I am home and available to take all calls and manage whatever work may come my way. But I'm resting my mental muscle and coasting.

It feels like the perfect holiday. 

Except the minute I don't have (what feels like) a million things to do, the smallest of jobs I normally squeeze into my regularly scheduled life feel onerous. 

There is a saying that goes something to the effect of "If you need something done, ask a busy person."

How true it is. Last month? I was conquering my world. This month is officially one week old and I am barely managing my world.

It is a hard truth but I do believe I am grateful for the deadlines within my life. They push me where I need to be and help me become the person I am capable of becoming.

Who knew?

Weeds

Have you ever had so many weeds, you decide to pick them according to species? My guess is when most people have that many weeds, they simply spray them with a broad spectrum weed killer and annihilate ALL the weeds. That is most likely what I should have done but instead, my day began by telling myself "I'll just pick the thistles".

As I was picking thistles, I noticed a yellow flowered invasive species dominating the front yard. My research tells me these are "goat's beard". I knew they weren't dandelions but they certainly looked like a weed. So I picked thistles and goat's beard, deciding to leave the dandelions, clover, portulaca, yet another yellow-flowered weed, fox tail, a silver leafed variety of weed and more weeds than I can name for another day. 

I have no idea how many fir trees there are in this lot. What I can say, is there are so many that they have created a privacy hedge between the house and road. There are fir trees in the front yard, the back yard, the side yard and the yard that goes beyond the driveway. Add a drought to a lawn that is fighting for survival due to the root system of all the trees and the only sprigs of grass that have survived are quack grass. 

Mowing the "lawn" does little more than kick up a dust storm and spread the weed seeds around. There is really little, to no grass to mow. Thus, I set out on my mission to pick weeds by the type I most wanted to be rid of.

It is an endless task. I am no where near complete. The lot is huge. Where the lot ends there is a street-side section of "grass" (more weeds). Then there are what I think are tree saplings sprouting up in a few different areas. 

I concentrated on the front, side and back yard and started picking weeds that are growing on the driveway. It was only when I was walking home from the store when I noticed the excess of yard that has gone wild. I filled a large black garbage bag with weeds and I have not made a dent in the task at hand.

As I questioned my sanity and explained myself to the neighbors who dropped by, I was convinced I had taken on a job that one good spray would have handled.

Then ... I discovered this:  

"Bluebells!!", my inner child screamed inside my thoughts. I have no idea what these are officially called, but I remember walking through the natural terrain on our farm as a child and I have called them bluebells ever since. I was immediately transported to a time where I was young and without a care in the world. 

The next day, I noticed this:

A wild rose. We have a front yard full of wild roses that have been mowed down regularly. This brave little flower revealed itself to me as if to say "Save us! We are here just waiting to be nurtured".

Then behind a few fir trees I found what may or may not be a daisy, on its way out of its flowering season.

If we had sprayed the yard, we would have lost all that Mother Nature was offering.

It was like I had gone for a walk in a field. All this nature was in our very own front yard.

Simplicity

Simplicity. Personally, I think that is at the core of my well being. To create a life where I don't fall into the trap of worrying about things I have no control over or that really don't matter in the whole scheme of things. 

Sounds simple.

Life is never as simple as one would hope. That's a good thing. We need contrasts in order to help recognize the goodness of overcoming life's challenges. 

Working from home creates a complexity under this roof which is hard to ignore. One thing I have done absolutely right is to enclose my work space within a room-with-a-door. Unfortunately, that very room looks like this at the moment. Every square inch of flat work space is covered with works-in-progress:

Even more unfortunate, is the "spillage" into other areas of the house:

 

Can I just say "Aaaaaaaack!!"

The hard question I must ask myself right now is "Am I running away from my overwhelmed life when I head out to my home-away-from-home?" or "Am I running toward a simpler life?"

A little of both.

I must contend with the excess under my home-at-home. A life of simplicity necessitates dealing with that which is weighing me down. I DID rehome an entire house worth of excess belongings. Now I must deal with my home office. Having an office which is overtaking our home is not my definition of a simple,well defined work space.

In the meantime, I will let Glennon Doyle's words guide me. Just keep going. I know her message is much deeper than dealing with an overwhelmed office. But it fits my state of mind when I enter the room that has the power to overwhelm me. 

This framed quote is the ONLY personal item within my home office. 

"Just keep going, please ..."

Paper

I hit a wall this weekend. My cull, sort and destroy project was temporarily side tracked as I took time off to enjoy a Grey's Anatomy Marathon Weekend.

I was halfway into my second day of losing myself to television drama when I told myself I had to do at least ONE thing. So I did.

What started out as digging out the second cool file folder storage box resulted in vacuuming the basement and deciding what documents I could shred.

The end result was this:

Two empty (plus a third one full of documents to shred) file folder sized boxes

and numerous emptied document organizers/folders ...

... plus one gigantic box of shredding (and more where that came from).

I have a paper shredder which is perfect for my personal needs but if I overwork it, I'll be in need of a new shredder. So I may be shredding documents for the duration of the year. 

I have not yet hit the bottom of this bottomless pit of paper collection. I have dabbled in photographs, memorabilia, cards and all kinds of paraphernalia. And I am no where near complete. 

This is the state of our living room at the moment:

One would think this would get easier as I go along. But I keep finding excuses to hold on to some of what I have.

I wondered how much I earned at my very first job. I knew Dad would have deducted it off what he could claim for me as a dependent that year, so I went to Dad's tax papers and found my answer. I earned $1875 my first year of employment back in 1977. I know I could find many more answers I may wonder over the years in Mom's calendars.

Do I really need to know I can get my hands on this information? There is comfort in knowing I have a piece of history only Mom and Dad would have the answers for. This feels like a warm hug on a cold day.

I suspect as I work my way through the excess, I may become less attached to the paper. I spent one entire weekend shredding Mom's papers after she died. I did it once. I can do it again.

I cannot believe it has come to this. This mountain of paper, photographs and memories is overwhelming. 

One step at a time, one weekend at a time for as long as it takes to rid our living room of Rubbermaid storage containers. Where there is a will, there is a way. The "way" may include hiring a company to do my personal shredding. 

I'm a collector of family history, stories and memories. This is so very hard because there is a small piece of history hidden within all that has accumulated. I must believe I've mined for the gold and be willing to let the rest go.

It is no wonder I have put this off for so long. 

Taming the Beast

After a weekend of sorting, culling and organizing papers, cards, family history and memorabilia, this is the not-as-messy-middle ground I must live with until next time:

I found things I didn't even know I had: 

• souveniers from P.E.I., that could have only come from Mom after her trip out there in 1984
• a scribbler Mom had saved from my "playing school" days, where I made up a day plan, wrote out assignments for my imaginary class, did the assignment myself, then marked it myself, back in the teacher role
• Christmas, birthday and "just because" cards from Mom with little more than her name signed, but the knowledge she had spent time to find just the right card - I have sorted them according to category and plan to pull out a random card to fit the occasion and feel Mom's presence when I miss her
• a forwarded email from my brother, to my sister (who had asked him for their punch recipe):

1. Curl fingers toward fist
2. Be careful not to tuck thumb inside fist. Broken thumbs may occur
3. Now raise fist up
4. Look directly at target
5. For increased power and velocity, twist hip and shoulder toward target as you deliver punch
6. For added joy and effectiveness, follow this punch with another from the opposite hand
7. This is known as the old one-two

Hope this has been helpful.

And I found more. So much more. Buried treasure was found within the massive heap of years worth of collecting that which felt special at the time. 

A new week is upon me and I had to sort myself out of the messy middle and tame the beast until next time. Funny thing is, I am actually looking forward to the next time.

Taking one hard step in a direction you want to go isn't easy, but it is almost always worth the effort. 

The Messy Middle

Sorting, organizing, culling and reminiscing.

This is "Saturday" in a nutshell.

 

Before and After

I spent the entirety of yesterday sorting through pictures, removing photos from frames and filing them where they belong and organizing albums. I kid you not, when I say "all day".

Here is the "before":

This is the "after":

Obviously, I have not yet completed the task. I have one more Rubbermaid container the exact same size downstairs which holds all our existing photo albums. The last part of this job entails intersorting the small stack of pictures left over into the appropriate album, label the albums, then find a "forever home" for all.

How I wish I had another four-day weekend at my disposal to complete the job. Just wait a minute! If I hadn't worked two out of the four days, a two-day weekend should have been sufficient.

My weeks exhaust me. It is time to work on a way to make my life work more efficiently. 

I am eyeing up a few more extended long weekends on the horizon. That could do the trick ...

Pandora's Box

We woke up to a fresh, new calendar page this morning. A clean slate. A fresh new beginning.

I look at my personal calendar and I feel refreshed as I look at a blank page with no appointments, no upcoming commitments and thirty days of empty boxes.

Then I open the door to my home office. The same thirty days is filled to the brim with must-do, hope-to-accomplish, and endless to-do-lists. 

How can the same calendar page, only eight steps away, feel so different? Does the inability to catch up with my bookkeeping job spill out into the hallway and zap my energy reserves I have within my own personal life?

I am grateful for my office-with-a-door. I close the door in the same fashion one manages a closet filled to capacity and the contents must be stuffed back inside as one struggles to shut the door. My home office feels just a little bit like Pandora's Box. 

Is it by accident or design that our vacuum cleaner has taken up residence just outside my office door? I thought I had left the vacuum cleaner out, to encourage a spur of the moment vacuuming binge over the weekend. Instead, it appears this cleaning appliance is sitting outside the door of plenty, just waiting for the moment to clean up whatever spills outside the door.

I think it's time to get to work.

Know When to Walk Away (know when to call a professional)

Don't you love when the little things in life just fix themselves?

In the land of computer technology, often the best thing you can do is reboot, restart, walk away and come back later. I find this strategy works wonders with a lot of things.

At an impasse with an interaction that is going no where? Say no more. Keep your emotions out of it. Agree to disagree for the moment. Reboot. Restart. Come back later. The issue at hand is still on the table but a fresh perspective may be all it takes to make a difference.

Having trouble with a math problem? The more you stare it down, the less you see. Walk away. Think new thoughts. Come back later. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, the answer is staring you right in the face. I do this all the time with my Suduko puzzles. It amazes me every time that I couldn't see what was so obvious when I rebooted my brain.

I have used this strategy on health, car, appliance and home repair situations with varying degrees of success. 

Whenever overwhelmed, it is simply best to walk away, regroup, rethink and strategize. Some things fix themselves. Some things don't. 

Which leads me to my eyes ...

In this world of COVID and my lack of desire to go anywhere unless it is an absolute necessity, my eyes have been a concern a time or two.

The first time, it was an eye irritation? Inflammation? Infection (I don't think so)? The discomfort was real, long lasting and persistent. But at no time was I in extreme pain or overly worried.

I tried some eye drops my eye doctor had prescribed for an inflammation. After a week, my eye was worse instead of better. I read the side effects of the drops and hoped I hadn't done irreparable damage to my eye. Instead, I used eye lubrication drops. Day and night. I slept with the eye drops (I think it was the middle-of-the-night drops that made the difference). Thankfully, after three weeks, my eye situation rectified itself. I can still see and I am simply grateful for my eyes to continue working as they normally do.

This was soon followed by a white head looking growth on my bottom eye lid. Would this go away on its own? Get bigger? Was it an infection? I googled a little bit and decided to just let it be. The last thing I wanted to do was irritate it. 

Weeks came and went. I was grateful my little white growth was not growing. But it was not going away either. It did not interfere with my life as I was living it so I just chose to ignore it. I rebooted, restarted my thinking and just walked away.

You can imagine my surprise and delight when I looked at my reflection one morning and this little white growth had miraculously disappeared.

This instilled my belief in the healing powers of rebooting, restarting and walking away.

I do NOT recommend this strategy on all health situations. It has recently come to light that just going back to bed and sleeping it off could have cost a person their life. 

I am grateful for all situations where rebooting and restarting is the solution. This also does not work on broken computer hard drive. The answer there is to turn it off and call a professional. 

Know when to walk away. Know when to call a professional. If in doubt, call a professional. Better safe than sorry.

Giving Up Verses Giving In

One of life's most important lessons just may be: "Know when to call for help". This renewed piece of knowledge is brought to you by The Need to Get A New Computer.

This is how I thought the conversation went:

Me: I bought the computer using no other information than what you told us. It has 8 GB of Ram with an Intel processor. It is untouched, still sealed, new in the box, just in case we have to return it. I have never bought a computer before. My Previous Computer Guy always did everything for me and brought it to me when he did whatever had to be done. My boss said to have you take care of setting up the new computer.

Computer Guy: All you need to do is turn it on and let the updates run. That will save me time ...

So that is how I got myself into a situation that was way above my pay grade.

I knew I was in trouble when the absolutely very first thing I did when the computer came to life and asked me the simple question: 

What language do you want to use? "United States - English or Canada - [I didn't stop to read any further - I just knew I lived in Canada so I clicked before I read]"

Warning! Warning! Warning!

Always read before you click!!!!!!!

I clicked "Canada - ________" and apparently the word after Canada must have been French because from that point onward the computer spoke and typed to me in Canadian French.

The day steadily went downhill from there.

The next day, my Computer Guy came to install data from the hard drive which had crashed and our conversation went something like this:

Me: I got myself in way over my head. I've never done this before and I made every mistake known to man.

Computer Guy: That's why I always like to set up a new computer myself.

Me: I thought you said all I had to do was turn it on and let the updates run.

Computer Guy: [after a calm discussion of what he thought he said and what I thought I heard] There is no sense in wondering about what happened yesterday. We can only go forward from here.

Me: So apparently, when the VERY first thing you do is wrong, you quit and call an expert in the field.

Computer Guy: [short version of a very long answer] Yes

Lesson learned. 

I have become as wise as I am due to all the things I have done wrong before I find the right way. My personal motto is "I rarely take a direct route to where I'm going but I always get there in the end." Sometimes? Just sometimes? I need a little help getting there.

All of what I have learned in life has come from doing it wrong before I got it right. Or finally figured out that I should simply give up and/or call for help.

Giving up verses giving in. This ongoing battle will continue to be part of my life story. 

When do we finally get to the part where we are simply wise? I guess when we stop trying new things. I am starting to believe learning is highly overrated.

“Once you stop learning you start dying” 

~ Albert Einstein

I'm Ready for a Math Holiday

All I have been doing lately is working. Work. Work. And more work.

In my quest to "catch up", I have discovered that keeping up to date in the bookkeeping world is as elusive as the never-ending-always-feeling-behind-sensation I felt when I worked at a grocery store bakery.

There was seemingly no end to the baking that needed to be packaged, labelled, restocked, then culled. Keeping up with the demand (or lack of) fresh baked goods was an ongoing and endless task. I hated that job. I hate to use the word hate. But I did. There is no satisfaction within a job where you are ALWAYS behind.

Enter the work-from-home scenario I have found myself living these past many months. Catching up was something I could now accomplish now that my bookkeeping work lived with me.

That was an overwhelming and debilitating thought. Until I started tackling one big job at a time. "If only I can get 'this' done. Then I'll be caught up. But I still have to do 'that'. THEN I'll be caught up. But I still have to do 'the other things'. Then the phone or doorbell rings and I have four new pile of things-to-be-done." And so on and so forth.

I have shuffled a few mountains. I have not moved them. I have simply organized them, sorted them by date, created a spreadsheet to compile all information and now my work sits in four piles and a big, cloth grocery bag awaiting answers I need to complete the tasks at hand. So I have moved one mountain into four molehills and one very big hill.

I've been working with numbers day in and day out. I'm ready for a break. Better yet, I'm ready for a cat day. Not much is stressing out our miniature black panthers.

 

The Joy of Working

It has been an incredibly productive week here in my home office. .

I have tended to monthly and quarterly tasks. I have successfully called three different departments at Revenue Canada and not only did I not have to hold, each and every question and concern I had was addressed, answered and solved within a ten to fifteen minute call. 

As I tidied up the clutter of the month, I had time left to work on a few of the lingering jobs that have been taking up space on my work table and in my mind. It is amazing what energy comes from cleaning the work slate on a few levels.

I feel more energetic and I do believe I have the motivation required to get me through one of the bigger tasks I have left to tend. I can envision the space created within my work week once that job is complete. 

I woke up with ambition this morning. The motivation that is bubbling up inside of me is taking me outside my home office door and I am seeing the light.

Since COVID-19 arrived on the scene, I have been doing little more than tending to my own self preservation.

I have not been a supportive friend or family member. I have not been reaching out. I have been hunkering down and managing my own little world.

I have not taken on any COVID projects, big or small. I haven't cleaned a closet. I haven't reorganized our home ... except maybe I did a just a little. The weekend our new book shelves were installed was definitely a Coronavirus highlight. But the weight of the work within my office-with-a-door has been weighing me down and holding me captive to the responsibilities lying in wait.

I have not found time in this "isolation" to dig deep, go quiet, hear my inner voice guiding me where I need to go next. 

We are almost four months in to our changed world and I have yet to feel isolated. 

When stay at home recommendations arose on the scene I thought this was exactly the kind of holiday I have always hoped for. Time off work with no where to be but home. It was a dream come true. Then my work moved in with me and it has taken us four months to establish healthy boundaries and come to terms with each other.

Now that I finally know my roommate a little better, I am finally in a place to settle in and enjoy being home. Just in time for the world to open up again. 

Do you ever feel like you are always ten steps behind the times? Me too. 

Moving Through Monday

Monday morning felt hard. I wanted to curl up into a cocoon and wait for a metamorphosis to occur. I've been a caterpillar long enough. I just want to regroup and become something more.

I couldn't wrap myself up in a blanket and quit. So I did the next best thing. I set some boundaries to create some of what I needed. 

"This" is what I'm going through. "This" is where I am at right now. "This" is what I need today.

I put my request out into the world and I was granted a reprieve. Once I was given that space to replenish and revive myself, that is exactly what I did.

The moment I was given the gift space and time, the weight of the world was lifted. Once the world got off my shoulders, I had the energy to start. 

Starting feels hard some days. The alternative is not a good one. When you don't begin, the finish line is impossible to see and the task set before you feels impossible.

Start. Just start. Something. Anything. 

So much easier said than done. There is a fine line between taking the time you need to replenish your resources and finding yourself in a place where you feel overwhelmed and incapable.

Been there, done that. I'm sure I'll be there again. 

The cycles of life. If we've done this all before, why does it still feel so hard some days?

Some Assembly Required

I picked up groceries bright and early this morning and felt just a tad overwhelmed at the task set out before me. "What was I thinking? Buying all of these 'ingredients'!" I sighed and thought to myself "Some assembly is required ..."

We have been existing on easy-to-assemble, pre-made, frozen meals much of this COVID season. I patted myself on the back, marveling at how little we were spending on take-out. I could have lived like this forever but I do not live alone.

So I bought some better groceries this time around. Yes, some assembly was required but it will be well worth the effort.

Then I thought of the weekend past. It was definitely a weekend where some assembly was required.

My Middle Son had designed, constructed and delivered a custom bookshelf. But it was not yet in its final destination. Some assembly was required.

I thought the hard part had been done. And it had. But it still took many hours to ensure it would bear the burden of the weight of Mom's library of books. A few adjustments here, there and probably somewhere else. The need to move and re-glue a few pieces of trim. Paint touch ups. Caulking. A top shelf. More painting. Baseboards. It was a full day's work.

After my son finished his part, I had the fun job of filling the shelves. I should have taken a picture of all the bins of books. I just kept sighing ... there were so many books. Yes, I had the fun part. But due to my state of feeling easily overwhelmed lately the task felt daunting at first.

Some assembly was required.

Then I woke up the next morning with my thoughts firing on all cylinders. I could move these books here, those there and the other ones will fit into the completed unit.

Then ... if I could enlist some help, maybe I could empty my office to create the room for the desk and folding table we have downstairs. My Youngest Son accepted the challenge and he was my partner in recreating a renewed office space. More disassembly AND reassembly required.

I shuffled things around until they felt like it created a organized work space. Then I worked for several hours just to test the theory. It felt so incredible to work in this space. I can't believe I didn't do this before.

I have been going through the paces. Marking time. Crossing days off the calendar. Doing what has been required. Earning a pay cheque. Paying bills. Eat, sleep, work, eat some more, watch my current DVD favorite TV series, eat to stay awake, sleep. Rinse. Repeat. Daily.  Nothing was terribly wrong. But nothing was terribly right either.

Then came the weekend where "some assembly was required". Thankful for my sons who did 99% (maybe 100%) of the assembly, I am reaping the benefits.

I am wandering through our home appreciating every nook and cranny. I love the way our home feels. Mom's room has turned out exactly as I had envisioned it. My office is "my room" and it is coming together in a way I can visualize working-from-home as a viable retirement plan.

Sometimes, life does take a little assembly. As a general rule, it is well worth the effort.

Worst. Day. Ever.

**Please note: everything is relative. I lead a very easy life so "worst days" for me are truly not all that bad. This I know. Everything that follows this disclaimer is written from my own personal perspective on one particular day.**

Have you ever had a turning point in your day when you realize in hind sight, that you should have just walked away and tried again another day?  Me too.

This particular challenging day began with the best of intentions. Everything was going well so I decided to do just one quick thing as I tied up my work day at home and headed out to my out-of-house employment.

"I'll just do this [one thing] so I'm all set to go for tomorrow", I thought to myself with a self satisfied sigh.

That "one thing" did not go well. Technical difficulties at every turn. Trouble shooting tips from Google led to one, two, three, four and more different attempts to salvage the mission at hand. Then I had to leave the house.

Walking away from a challenge is often one of the best things one can do. Rebooting the computer is another favorite standby of mine. I did both. "Everything's gonna be okay" I told myself time and time and time again.

Then I made the mistake of going back to try to solve this after I got home from work. I often say that anything I do or say after 6:00 p.m. is equivalent to driving while under the influence of alcohol. I do not function on an intelligent level after the magic hour of 6:00 at night. I call it "impaired speaking".

Yet, I decided to try to fix a mind boggling technical issue after 7:00 p.m. Then I involved a second computer. What was I thinking?!??

Things went from bad to worse. I tried every trouble shooting mechanism known to me at the time. I tried, tried and tried again. I rebooted computers more often than I washed my hands that day. Reboot. Restart. Walk away. Try, try again.

I'm starting to see why I kept going back to relationships that didn't work for me - I used the same strategy.

After a long, frustrating evening I finally turned everything off and assured myself that I would wake up in the morning and on a fresh, clean, rested brain I would solve all the technical computer issues at hand.

Sure enough, I woke up with a brand new and shiny plan. A new day. A fresh start. Onward ...

Then things went from bad to worse. And even worse yet. I even messed up my online grocery order in an irreparable way. Even my email program defied me. Outbound messages sat in the Outbox folder and refused to go anywhere.

Everything I touched went awry. I couldn't even get one computer to turn on. These are not my computers. I was panicking, anxious and didn't know which way to turn.

The feeling of angst and helplessness I had were akin to the worst days of my life when I had no idea which way to turn. Those were the days I crumbled to the ground, looked upward and whispered, "Help me ..."

It is at those times when things feel like they cannot get any worse that can become the much needed turning point.

Some people pray. I called my Computer Guy.

I told him my story. I warned him it was a long one with many twists and turns. I started to talk. He listened. Then he started to reply. I responded, "But there is more ..." I kept telling my tale. He kept thinking I was at the end of my story. I kept saying, "But there is even more ..." This cycle repeated at least three times. Maybe four.

"Can you help me over the phone? I will pay you for your time. I will do anything." I implored. Unfortunately the damage I had done was more than an amateur troubleshooter like me could handle. This was a job for a professional.

This is the part of the never ending story where the soundtrack changes to a light and hopeful tone. The sun comes out, melts the snow, there is a twinkle in the skies above and up drives my Computer Guy. I'm pretty sure he was wearing a superhero cape.

He called before he arrived so I could put the troubled computer on our doorstep so we adhered to all COVID-19 distancing requirements. I was inside the house, he was outside, we spoke, then he drove off on his white stallion (okay, it was only a car) and the heaviness of the day was lifted off my shoulders.

I turned around, tried reloading the program that started all the trouble on a new program on my own personal computer ...

While it was loading, my online grocery order had enough time on its own to allow me to go back and salvage the many errors of my ways.

The computer program loaded successfully and I was able to complete the mission I had set out to do 24 hours prior.

Twenty four hours. It took one full day. Suddenly my Worst. Day. Ever. turned into the Best Recovery I could have ever hoped for.

Everything that went sour turned on its haunches and turned out okay.

It all works out in the end. If it doesn't work out, it is not yet the end. 

~ slightly paraphrased from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

I know this "worst day ever" was a walk in the park compared to the realities going on all around us. I know this. Yet I couldn't stop the spiraling anxiousness and feeling of being overwhelmed. 

Yesterday felt like I was a contestant on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. I used all my lifelines. It turns out "calling a friend (aka: a computer professional)" was a game changer for me. 

In these days of isolation, confinement, health, family and financial worries DO use your lifelines. "Calling a friend" may be a game changer for you too.

Weary

There is a weariness I feel that has nothing to do with physical exhaustion. I feel completely and totally spent.

A good night's sleep doesn't cure me. Nor does a regularly scheduled weekend. But thankfully I do get enough of both of these to allow me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and making it to through the days and the weeks.

The antidote to my weariness is finding lightness of heart wherever the opportunity presents itself.

• Spotting a rabbit
• Spending time with family
• Losing myself in a mindless piece of fiction
• Laughter 
• Quiet ... just plain quiet
• Turning off all the connections to the world

I know a good long walk would cure much of what ails me. Walking conditions are not ideal right now but this too shall pass. Spending time appreciating nature and its ever changing landscape feels like oxygen for my soul.

Being outside, even if it is as simple as sitting in my own back yard calms me. Sitting in a sunbeam in the late stages of winter and the early phases of spring is one of my most favorite things.

As I came upon the realization of all that is within my reach but feels so unattainable at times, I couldn't help but think of my days of daycaring. 

• I took my little daycare family outside at every opportunity
• We walked everywhere and played "I Spy" as we made our way through the residential streets
• We discovered an "Enchanted Forest" where the kids could run through the paths and just be kids
• We marveled at the signs of spring, spotting the first robin, watching an industrious ant carry something ten times its weight, collecting lady bugs and setting them free
• Savoring the moments sitting in a sunbeam in the winter and early spring
• We collected rocks, leaves and any mystical treasures we found along the way
• Finding wonder by looking at life through the eyes of a child was one of the best gifts I received throughout my years of caring for children
• Watching over and listening to contented children at play felt quite literally like heaven right here on earth

I was spent at the end of my daycare days but it was a more well rounded kind of exhaustion. The physical output added with a generous dose of outdoors was offset with "quiet time". Despite the chaos at times, there was a sense of balance to those days.

My present day life is far too sedentary. The need to be "on" all day, every day exhausts me. I know I am exactly where I am meant to be right now and life as I know it could change in a heartbeat. But for the first time in a very long time, I feel I may be the one who cracks under the pressure.

Julia Cameron prescribes daily writing to purge one's early morning thoughts + solitary walks + a date with yourself, for yourself. Julia has recommended exactly what I didn't know I needed and I have been resisting her advise. 

Today is the day. I will make an Artist's Date for myself, by myself. I will fill my soul so my soul has more to give to tomorrow.

I will get up tomorrow morning and write three pages of long hand. I will purge any negativity before the day begins and subconsciously come up with an action plan. Walking? I will find a way. I will.

What can you do to initiate a plan to rejuvenate your weary soul? Little things. It is all in the little things. Try to come up with one small sustainable action you can institute into your routine. 

This is easier said than done. I know. Just try ... and if it doesn't happen today, try again another day. Just don't give up.