Pushing Boundaries

Ray, our senior cat in residence has an innate respect for Jet, his co-cat of the house.

Jet has some spots he seems to have claimed as his own and Ray respects those boundaries and doesn't cross the line.

Ray has been acting a little more "forward" than usual lately. He has been very affectionate in a very in-your-face kind of way. As a rule, he is pretty laid back and follows the laws of the land.

Then he decided to hop up on Jet's spot and try it out:

He didn't appear completely at ease in his cat-partner-in-crime's spot, but he tried.

What have you been missing out in life because you are afraid to try? 

Start small. Sit in someone else's chair. Look at things from a slightly different point of view. 

You may opt not to claim the spot as your own but you now have a slightly different perspective. Simply by putting yourself in another's shoes (or chair), 

you may see something you hadn't noticed before.

Or if you are like me, you may simply find yourself more grateful for your own special spots in the sun.

Push the boundaries just a little bit and check out the fit. You may be surprised.

 

I Need a New Topic

Will today be long enough to do all that must be done?

I woke up at midnight with this thought in my mind. I thought "I could just get up and work right now ...". But (wisely) I didn't. I rolled over and slept fitfully throughout the night instead.

So much work. So little time. Working throughout the night is not a choice I choose to make. Setting boundaries when your work moves in with you, is necessary.  

But what if I had worked through the night and woke up to an empty slate this morning? Clearing the slate. What a concept. 

I do not want my work to consume me. I simply want to get to a point where I feel in control and have a rhythm with the monthly, quarterly and annual deadlines.

It is month end. Work is on my brain. This too, will pass.

I just want to write about rabbits ...

The Tipping Point

What is your tipping point? What is the point where a series of small events add up to the point of a critical change? What is that "last straw"?

I can pinpoint the sequence of events, times and events leading up to my own personal points-of-no-return. I like to think I have a pretty strong threshold of compassion, endurance and understanding. But there comes a time when that ONE last thing pushes the limit and I'm done.

My marriage was one of those tests of endurance. There were multiple infractions made by both parties. The arguments were plentiful, loud and excessive. The make-ups were equal in their emotional levels. But each negative action kept taking its toll. Each make-up session became a little less meaningful. One by one, day by day, action by action it all added up. Until that ONE last time. And I was done.

Did I plan to leave? No. But I had been mentally preparing for what I subconsciously knew was inevitable. 

It was the straw that broke the camel's back. So insignificant but just that one final blow.

There is a lot of talk about "boundaries", "toxic relationships" and a vast array of similar discussions about situations which necessitate walking away, restarting or dealing with people at arm's length in order to restore a person's mental and physical well being.

I can think of relationships, jobs and situations where I felt backed into a corner and had to take a stand. 

During my daycare days, this evolution became a positive one. My need to set firm boundaries and establish a set of expectations turned into newsletters and there was a renewed sense of appreciation after clearing the air in a firm but respectful manner. 

I became better at setting my own personal boundaries during my daycare career.

Boundaries can even spill over into what was once the highlight of my week. Ballroom dancing. While I danced, I loved every moment and everything about it. Everything. Without exception. Until I didn't. One day, I was paying good money to do something that no longer brought me joy. My feet hurt. I felt stressed during my lesson. I wanted to be home with my dying cat. I was done. I was just done. 

Boundaries shift and change and evolve. Communication is a two way street and when both parties are effective at their side of the conversation, meaningful change can take place. Sometimes the answer is not an answer. It is simply time to move on.

Life is fluid, ever changing and evolving. When I hear of marriages that endure all of the above I am in absolute awe. I have an incredible amount of respect for people who work through their ever changing relationship, stay together and still respect one another. 

I have been asked to ponder the reason why I am unable to retire on many occasions. The short answer? I'm a quitter. I reached my tipping point on too many occasions.

IF I had stayed with the first job I ever held, took out a pension, topped it up to the maximum I was allowed, kept that pension intact and added onto it throughout my working life, I would have 41 years worth of savings accumulated. I could be sitting on a comfortable little nest egg.

IF I had stayed in my marriage, I cannot even begin to imagine where I would be right now. If I had stayed married, I would not have found myself in that first job with an offer of a pension.

IF I had stayed in a bad marriage. IF I had lived for my pension. IF I had stayed in a secure job instead of striking out on my own and opening a daycare. If I had focused on making a living instead of making a life. If ... if ... if ...

I stayed in "none of the above". I am not set up to retire. All because for one reason or another, I reached the point of no return within a marriage, a job, a home, a life style or any of the other reasons I chose to walk away and restart from where I was.

I'm grateful for where I am today. I wouldn't be here if I had walked this walk any other way. My back is stronger because I have learned to honor my own personal boundaries. Honoring my calling to "just be a mom" has strengthened not only myself but all of my relationships.

I am so grateful for all of the points of no return. The "I'm done" moments. The opportunity to restart from where I was.

I am also a little afraid. My boundaries feel a little stretched at times because at this age and stage of my life, I don't like the idea of restarting from where I am. I just want to coast.

I have a feeling my inevitable retirement may take the form of my marriage:

Do I plan to quit work? No. But I have been mentally preparing for what I subconsciously know will one day be inevitable. 

It's all going to work its way out. In its own time, in its own way. In the meantime, I trust that I am exactly where I am meant to be and I am ever grateful for my employment. While I have it, I will appreciate and be grateful for it. For one day, this will all change.

Like the end of my marriage ... I just hope I'm mentally prepared for it when it happens.

Moving Through Monday

Monday morning felt hard. I wanted to curl up into a cocoon and wait for a metamorphosis to occur. I've been a caterpillar long enough. I just want to regroup and become something more.

I couldn't wrap myself up in a blanket and quit. So I did the next best thing. I set some boundaries to create some of what I needed. 

"This" is what I'm going through. "This" is where I am at right now. "This" is what I need today.

I put my request out into the world and I was granted a reprieve. Once I was given that space to replenish and revive myself, that is exactly what I did.

The moment I was given the gift space and time, the weight of the world was lifted. Once the world got off my shoulders, I had the energy to start. 

Starting feels hard some days. The alternative is not a good one. When you don't begin, the finish line is impossible to see and the task set before you feels impossible.

Start. Just start. Something. Anything. 

So much easier said than done. There is a fine line between taking the time you need to replenish your resources and finding yourself in a place where you feel overwhelmed and incapable.

Been there, done that. I'm sure I'll be there again. 

The cycles of life. If we've done this all before, why does it still feel so hard some days?

Sparking Joy

My head is all over the map this First Friday in this Fresh New Month.

I brought work home with me so I can put in the first few hours of work at home this morning which feels empowering. I have set a start time in my head which I must adhere to in order to make this work. If it works today, perhaps I can make it work another day in the future.

Blurring the line between "work" and "home" is defined by working within my designated work time and mental space. I CAN bring work home and accomplish it if it doesn't interfere with my designated "me time".

Combining work and home feels empowering. Feeling empowered sparks joy.

My Youngest Son is headed home today. He has been gone exactly one week (almost to the hour, as I write this). He has had a most excellent time at the workshop he has attended and I can't wait to hear all about it.

Unfortunately, I will still be at work when he arrives. He has invited friends over tonight so by the time I get home, he will be busy. I will hear the watered down version of his week tomorrow. But just recalling how I can reignite the joy I felt during various recent vacations, I still feel like I will hear the best version as he relives the highlight reel.

My Youngest has lived a very sheltered life. At the ripe old age of 20 years old, he hasn't experienced "life" outside the confines of our bubble wrapped little world here at home very much. I am so glad he got away and experienced how it feels to live a week away from the definition of who he is at home.

I remember how I felt when I stepped away from Mom's ideals and started thinking for myself. By myself. It is a giddy feeling. To think your own thoughts, live your own life, define who you are outside the confines of "home".

My last little bird is taking his first steps outside of our nest. His wings seem to be worthy of taking flight. He sounds happy. He sounds joyful. This sparks "joy" within me.

I sat on my glasses several days ago and bent them in a manner which made me feel rather woozy when I tried wearing them the next day. Long story short, I need new glasses. The kind person who very carefully straightened my present day glasses so I could wear them without feeling nauseous, was the same person who helped me choose my next pair of specs.

It was a small thing but it was huge. A conversation which began by admitting "I hate mirrors" ended up in a merging of kindred thoughts, sparked a conversation about my dancing days (and all the mirrors) and as I walked away from that encounter and into my day, her parting words were of the essence "I'm so glad I got to start off my day with this conversation" (those were not her words at all but it was definitely the essence of what she said).

I drove off to work with thoughts of this conversation and my dancing days wafting through my thoughts. As I parked the car, the theme song of the dance competition I participated in started playing through the radio waves. "Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night" brought me right back to that joy filled time of dance and where it took me.

As this weekend nears (and yes!, I DEFINITELY believe 3 Day Work Weeks are my retirement goal), I am feeling light, energized and eager to start the Marie Kondo process of the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.

I have been feeling heavy and overwhelmed for the last long while. It is time to lighten things up and keep only that which sparks joy.

What sparks joy for you? The moment you feel the joyful sensation, I highly recommend stopping in that moment and simply saying "thank you". The more you recognize those moments of joy and acknowledge them, the more you will realize that even within the darkest of days, there are still moments where joy resides (for me yesterday morning, it was when I dropped a container of lotion and it landed right-side-up so there was NO clean up required, with the added bonus of not wasting any lotion!).

It is the little stuff that matters. Little things added up, can take us down to places we do not want to be. Little things added up, can also bring us up to where we need to be. One moment at a time.

Focus on joy. Where do you find it? What do you need to "define" to allow yourself what you need to get through the day?

Small stuff. Look for joy in the mundane. Say thank you. It all adds up ...