This is It

My last day living life-as-I-know-it has arrived. July 15th marked the 30 year anniversary of living in this home. January 1st, thirty six years ago we moved to this province. This city.

I moved here with my 9 year old and 4 month old children. They grew up, moved out and moved on. I gained a third child. She grew up, stayed home and I'm moving on. 

June 13, 2023 I wrote this:

"After much consideration, I have decided to retire and I am writing to tender my resignation...my last day of work will be June 30, 2024".

July 1st, I formally handed it all over. Done, complete, balanced, organized and relinquished in a manner I would hope for, if someone had worked for me. Done.

July 2nd to 28th has been a whirlwind of packing up, working in my new town, cleaning up and tying up loose ends. Today, I will relinquish this life in a manner I would hope for if someone was handing it over to me. Done. Almost.

There is a fridge to empty and clean. The car is packed and almost ready to go. The empty spots will very likely be filled to the gills with miscellaneous items, with only room for me in the car.

Just me.

Wow. This feels different than I thought it would. 

It will be a whole new world once I settle into regular, everyday life in my new home and town. I am beyond grateful I have found gainful employment that will sustain and nourish me. Literally and figuratively.

When I handed in my notice a year ago, I wistfully hoped I would be able to work a little on the side and do what they call "retire". I am now reframing retirement as "retiring from one job into my next".

New age retirement = continuing to work, but finding a more comfortable fit.

The fit feels wonderful. 

Now comes the next challenge. Living without dependents. Alone at last. 

Alone. But not lonely. That is the goal.

My final writing spot within this house I called home for thirty years...

It's a New Year!

July 1st feels like a brand new year this year.

All accounting jobs and expectations for the previous year end have been wrapped up.

On one hand, one of my jobs will be ending any day now.

On the other hand, I have given a one year's notice of resignation to my accounting job. My goal is to organize my little office and wrap up the year 2023. Leave my work organized enough so my heir-apparent can step into the role I will leave behind.

I will then move to my little oasis on the prairie. My hope is to take the summer off and then step into a job with hours conducive to living a life beyond work, make friends and connections and let my next "happily ever after" begin.

I have learned there are no happily ever afters in life. Simply new beginnings, renewed hope and more change. Always change.

The only thing certain in life are death and taxes and change.

I have drawn a line in the cement and I'm making way for a renewed life. One year from today ...

Happy New Year! 

Who Am I?

I may be having a late-life crisis. I don't know. I'm struggling. That is all I do know. Not struggling in a hard, life defeating way. Simply struggling to find the piece of myself that breathes life into my soul.

Writing has been the backbone of who I am, how I help myself, how I find myself when I'm lost and how to see answers unfold before me as I put words to the page. If I don't write, who am I?

I have always worked. Work always has its challenges no matter what I do, where I work or how I find a way to pay the bills. My work life has always been cyclical. I despise new jobs, not knowing what I need to know and struggling to meet the demands of a job. I love the middle. The part where I am comfortable, know my way around and I feel mostly satisfied at the end of a week. Then there is the end. The part where I'm searching, feeling "this" isn't right for me any more. Where do I go next? I have landed on my feet at the end of each one of these work cycles but I'm aging out and my desire to start a brand new job is nil. I don't want to start anew so I can't end this cycle. Maybe that is exactly where I am meant to be. Because if I don't work, who am I?

I am also nearing the end of my active parenting role. I will always BE a parent but my well worn phrase these days is, "I want to be a parent, the noun. I don't want to actively parent, the verb." I feel so ready to have my adult children show up on my doorstep (and vice versa) and just chat on a adult to adult level. We are all human, so there will always be the back and forth supportiveness that comes with the role of parenting. I will not abandon my adult children but I'm ready for each of us to live independently of each other. Once my last child leaves the nest and I find myself alone, who will I be if I'm not parenting?

I feel so ready to be done working yet the financial feasibility of living life without a regular paycheque is daunting. On days when anxiety rises to uncomfortable levels, I pull out my spreadsheets, update my net worth and try to guess what my financial needs will be when I stop working which stops me cold in my tracks. Working to age 70 and beyond seems to be the only consistent answer I come up with. Thus, the end-cycle of my present day work situation will most likely be followed by the need to start anew. I have fretted about my finances since I was a child. Always dreaming of how I would save up for the next goal, pay the bills, pay off debt, attempt to save regularly. If I didn't worry about money, how would I feel? 

Little stuff. The annoyance of cat hair verses the love of my favorite furry friends. If I didn't have cats, would I be content?

Home ownership and maintenance. The demands of owning a home are without end. I watch home renovation shows and long for low maintenance, minimal possessions, a four season sun room and convertible spaces to allow for overnight guests. City verses small town living. Having two homes to choose from, where would I choose to live? Where do I want to be to BE when I finish working?

I spent my entire childhood wanting to grow up. I grew up and discovered being an adult is hard work so I shifted my focus to the day when my children would leave home, I would be done working and living in a house that felt like home in every nook and cranny.

If all my wishes came true and I was living that idyllic life, who would I be when my days are not filled with what fills them up today?

Who WILL I be when I grow up?

No answers today. Only questions.

Felines at Rest

While robins, mourning doves, sparrows and even the grackles add a spark of joy to my Weekend Oasis,

 my Monday to Friday home includes enjoying the antics of our two furry felines.

After a brief game of tag around the house, these guys are ready for a rest:

There is nothing like watching a cat hard at rest to lower blood pressure and put a person in the moment. 

Oh, to live the life of a cat who has a safe and happy home. 

It is my ultimate retirement dream to be as content as these two guys. 

To sit in a sunbeam,

marvel at watching the birds and rabbits who pass by,

have the easy companionship of one you know well,

to be content, healthy, safe and know where your next meal is coming from,

to have the sense of "ahhh"

and then

find your most favorite resting spot 

and have a little rest.

We all should be so lucky.

Living the Dream

As my first thoughts of the morning found their way onto my "morning pages", they felt scrambled, disconnected, fragmented and torn. It is Monday morning and quite literally, I have one foot in my weekend-oasis-aspiring-retirement-place-of-residence and the other foot is packing up to go back home to my work-week and home-life responsibilities.

During my weekend, I get to take off all of my "responsibility hats" and simply exist. Fill myself up with whatever is needed, soak up some solitude and a fair dose of selfishness and simply live a life of ease.

My weekdays are consumed with bookkeeping, senior care, cat care, household tending and part-time-parenting my independently-dependent adult child who is living at home.

One foot into a hopeful retirement goal, one foot planted firmly in reality. Earning a living, paying the bills, taking care of the needs of our home and those who inhabit it. 

It is easy to dream the dream of retirement aspirations. But the road that must be travelled between where I am and where I aspire to be is unknown territory. A lot of things will change between where I am and where I want to go.

As I wound up the last sentence of my morning pages, I wistfully wrote "I may already be living the dream and I don't even know it".

We don't know what tomorrow will bring. We could be paving the way to a future we are anticipating but not realizing "this", where we are today, the "before" is truly the dream. 

Challenging as our days may be, it is good to remember life-as-we-know-it could change on a dime. Take a moment to think of what it may take to transition from one phase of life to the next. It could be a wonderful thing. Then again, it could be a set of dire circumstances that upset the status quo.

I will do my best to appreciate "what is", this week. I will not dwell on the "what ifs". I will glance towards the horizon and hope each forward step takes me one step closer to what I think it is I hope for. But not lose the gift of the present.

Who knows? We could already be living our dream. Dreams shift, evolve and morph in unexpected ways. Such is life. Let's just take it one forward step at a time.

The Future is Looking Good

My thoughts are scattered lately. I have been thinking of everything, nothing, trivial and important. Not one of the aforementioned categories have dominated my head space. I have let my thoughts waft in and out and through me.

Am I concerned about some things? Yes. Are they trivial matters or important ones. Both. Do I have control over any of the outcomes? Hmmm. Therein lies the crux of the matter for me.

Whenever I find my thoughts dominated by a predominant matter, I usually formulate an outline of what is within verses what is beyond my control. This reinstates a sense of calmness within.

I strongly feel that things will work out exactly as they are meant to be.

Work verses retirement? My steadfast answer is "I will work as long as my work lasts. I do not want to look for a new job and am willing to trust that all will work out as it is meant to be". I need the income and my employer(s) need what I have to offer. It is a mutually beneficial situation.

Enter my potential retirement home. I find myself longing for the day this will be my full time residence. I feel a sense of anticipation about the future which is new and exciting. 

I have wandered through the phases and stages of my life without much of a plan. Life always necessitated a move. Getting married. Having a child. Leaving a marriage. Moving to a new province. Changing jobs. Relationships. Parenting. Loss... 

Moving on and moving through each major life event has created a life I am very comfortable living. I am exactly where I am meant to be. 

Yet I'm longing for something. There is a feeling of unrest within. 

I want to fast forward through the next few years. I am finding myself eager to get through the messy middle of the present phase I'm living. I have one foot where I want to go and one foot securely placed in where I am.

There is so much out of my control. Yet I could take the reins and navigate the terrain to place me where I see myself wanting to be.

Life is complicated. There are so many valid reasons I must stay the course. I feel it in my bones. I am exactly where I am meant to be. The groundwork has been laid for a promising future.

I like where I am and the future looks good. I can't remember feeling quite this way before. There is a ominous feeling churning within me as I anticipate the unknown. 

Is it another sign?

The Domino Effect

One decision. One action. One move in a forward direction has the power to change so much.

I write this sentence and my life flashes before my eyes. All the times one move in a forward direction after making a hard choice has changed my world forever.

Today's story is just one example of the power of choice. It all started with the words, "Random idea for you to think about ..." 

It was as if I walked into a chess game with all the game pieces already in play and all I had to do was make ONE move and the game played out as well as we could have ever hoped for (as far as we know so far).

So many variables came into play. Each and every game player was in a time and space to make a move. Each of us made calculated decisions based on exactly where we were at that place and time. In no time flat, an offer was on the table for a small house in small town Saskatchewan. The rest is history-in-the-making.

The seller of the property was in a place where they accepted our offer. That is a story I will most likely never know. I just hope their decision to sell at this particular time has been a choice that has had a positive effect in their life.

In the short term, this investment has opened up a whole realm of possibilities for my co-owner. This move changed their possible range of trajectories in a direction which feels nothing short of amazing.

In the long term, this could become my future home in retirement. I am asked on a regular basis to question the wisdom of this decision. I fully believe and my constant answer is "There are about a billion little things that must fall into place between 'now' and 'then', but I have faith that all will work out exactly how it is meant to be."

My date of retirement is contingent on how long my present job lasts. It could be long term. It could be a short time span. I honestly don't know. 

I am completely content not knowing. IF I knew what was coming I would be consumed with all that must take place and worry about my financial state of affairs far too much. The state of not knowing has given me a grace period to simply take one step at a time and do the next-right-thing.

My youngest must become fully independent and step into their own life before I can sell our present day home. Again, there are many variables at play which make estimating their date of departure from our safe little haven we call home. I trust all will work out in its own way. I have no need nor desire to know exactly how or when this will occur.

The house itself has a laundry list of repairs and maintenance which at some point may make us question the wisdom of our decision. But in this moment, today, for the exact purpose we made an offer on and purchased this home, it is in move-in-condition and it has felt like home from the moment we adopted it as our own.

In the short term, there are things I can do with materials I already have on hand. It is costing nothing more than my time and effort. My thoughts are healthier when I am consumed with a project and the rewards are priceless. 

I have not felt this content and focused on a future "aspiration" since I completed my dad's family's book of memories in the fall of 2014. This alone is worth its weight in gold. 

One decision. So many potential outcomes. The domino effect of living life is ongoing. This can go many ways. I am beyond grateful our dominos seem to be heading us in a positive direction.

Next project - free of charge - scrape and paint the exterior door casings

When Can I Retire?

I have noticed a pattern within this little life of mine. The minute I start to worry about my job outside my regular working hours, it results in a morning-after ritual which has become familiar and somewhat soothing. I go back to my budget spreadsheet, run some numbers and wonder if I can afford to retire.

Short answer? No. My answer? Long and wordy...

I stayed home this past long weekend. I discovered something I am not particularly proud of. I may be using my little "home away from home" as a place to run toward because I am running away from life-as-I-know-it withing my "home at home".

I had grand plans and expectations of myself when I realized this long weekend would fall at the end of a month where several onerous deadlines had to be met within my bookkeeping world. To me, completing a list of "hard things", filing them away and feeling satisfied with a job done to completion is a high like no other. It is a sensation that fulfills and completes me.

Long story longer? I did not cross off any of the big ticket items I was anticipating. Add to that, a challenging "last day" before my anticipated long weekend. To add just a little more to the pile, I didn't get the long weekend I was anticipating. It was sprinkled with work issues yet to be resolved.

This is the part of my saga where I need to create, define and live within the boundaries I have set since my day job moved in with me. I created boundaries all right. I closed the door and would have sealed it shut if I could have done so, in a manner that would not have resulted in paint peeling off when the seal was broken.

I did the next best thing. I sat in front of the TV for four solid days. Yes. Four. 

Cooking? I cooked a frozen pizza, garlic fingers and bagged salad on Day One. I picked up Dairy Queen for supper on Day Two. We ordered in "fine dining" from Pink Cadillacs on Day Three. By Day Four, I knew I had to rise to the occasion. I found a cooked, frozen chicken breast in the back of the freezer from well over a year ago. Perhaps two. Then I added bagged, boxed and frozen entrees to the mix and created this:

 

P.S. It tasted about as good as it looks. It was edible.

The list of achievements during the above noted weekend are: I washed one load of laundry; I washed my hair; I watched 5 seasons of "Mom". The end.

ONE day back to work and this is what was achieved:

Spaghetti and meat sauce for at least three meals; tuna salad for my supper at my work-away-from-home employment; and I mowed the lawn. In addition to putting in a full day's work at home and away from home. 

I may not enjoy working but I need it. I seem to need a job to define the work flow for my days at home. 

When can I retire? I trust that when the time comes, I will be at a point where my finances will work out one way or another. 

When should I retire is a better question. I believe life is telling me I need to learn to better manage my down-time when I have it in order to manage a life without defined goals. Retirement could be the hardest part of my life if I don't start planning a  future that isn't defined by work.

Sad but true.

Aspiration

I aspire to be ...

I did not realize the power these words held until I read something this morning. The writer of the post said three things set them into motion: inspiration, aspiration or desperation.

Inspiration does not take me far. It is a spark. But a spark does not ignite without good air flow and a little "fanning of the flame" to keep it burning. Inspiration without a defined goal depletes me. I need to work toward an end result. To dream of something bigger than the spark of an idea.

I would have said desperation my driving force until I realized "desperation" has caused me to wake up and take note of a situation which no longer served me. I have sat in limbo making pro/con lists as I mapped out possibilities of where I could go from where I was at. 

To run with no set destination in mind, one doesn't go far. Once one has a defined destination - something to run toward, endless possibilities await.

I have been navigating my life without a map for a lot of years now. Lost at sea. Aimless. Pointless. Drifting. No future hopes, goals or dreams leads to nowhere.

Suddenly, "retirement" is a goal I have in mind. I have found a home I hope to retire in. A physical change, made with intention. I am moving towards the life I aspire to live.

The timeline is flexible but for the first time since Mom asked me about my 10 year plan (almost four years ago), I have found myself smack dab in the middle of a tentative 5 year plan. 

Mom? I have a plan. It feels good. Drifting aimlessly through one's days/months/years is not exhausting. But it certainly isn't life affirming.

I see the life I aspire to live in the not-so-distant future. 

This looks (and feels) like a very good destination to run toward...

Paid in Full

 Another pay day, one more big bill crossed off my list-of-bills-to-pay is paid in full. Oh, what a feeling!!

It was approximately a year ago when I borrowed money from my son's savings account to paint the exterior of our home. I have been playing catch-up ever since. It has taken a year to get back to "zero" and my income has remained stable throughout this time. 

At the beginning of COVID, I was uncertain how my income would be affected. I had a back up plan but it involved incurring debt. Had worst come to worst, I would have qualified for the payments our government provided which would have been a godsend. Taking on added debt without a regular pay cheque in sight is incredibly hard to make up.

I count my lucky stars for every month where my income rolls in as expected and on time. I realize my income sources are not a guarantee and know I need to create a contingency plan for the time when this changes.

It took a year to recover from borrowing $5,000. What if my income was cut by a third? How would I manage? Contingency plans run rampantly through my thoughts as there will come a day when that becomes my reality.

Now that I'm almost in the home stretch of paying my major annual expenses (house and car insurance left to go), I must take action to ensure I'm not so reliant on every penny I earn.

It always ends up this way. The moment there is a small amount of wiggle room within my budget, I find a way to create the scarcity I am accustomed to living with. I've made do with much less in the past. I always find a way.

Back up plans, cut backs on personal spending and making do. I am grateful for the stay-at-home recommendations throughout this time. It has made budgeting so much easier to attain. 

Last July and August my vacation spending equalled the amount it took me one year to save this year. Then, I went on to spend that amount all over again throughout the remainder of the year. Vacationing is expensive!

I'm on the right track but I must admit COVID restrictions have made all things possible. Finding my way back into the black is a huge incentive to keep going this way. As my son quoted something he read long ago, when one is continually living in debt and fighting to pay it off, the end reward is, "All that hard work and budgeting and all I have, is 'zero' ". 

Zero is good. Ground zero is a very good foundation. Working up to that foundation is not without its challenges, but when you get there the tendency is to try to keep your head above water. 

Staying afloat is a life long endeavor. I am grateful for what I have, how I got here and my ability to maintain the status quo. At least for now. 

How in the world does a person ever retire when living pay cheque to pay cheque has been your reality your entire adult life? I'm sure life will teach me this lesson. 

To be continued ...

The Tipping Point

What is your tipping point? What is the point where a series of small events add up to the point of a critical change? What is that "last straw"?

I can pinpoint the sequence of events, times and events leading up to my own personal points-of-no-return. I like to think I have a pretty strong threshold of compassion, endurance and understanding. But there comes a time when that ONE last thing pushes the limit and I'm done.

My marriage was one of those tests of endurance. There were multiple infractions made by both parties. The arguments were plentiful, loud and excessive. The make-ups were equal in their emotional levels. But each negative action kept taking its toll. Each make-up session became a little less meaningful. One by one, day by day, action by action it all added up. Until that ONE last time. And I was done.

Did I plan to leave? No. But I had been mentally preparing for what I subconsciously knew was inevitable. 

It was the straw that broke the camel's back. So insignificant but just that one final blow.

There is a lot of talk about "boundaries", "toxic relationships" and a vast array of similar discussions about situations which necessitate walking away, restarting or dealing with people at arm's length in order to restore a person's mental and physical well being.

I can think of relationships, jobs and situations where I felt backed into a corner and had to take a stand. 

During my daycare days, this evolution became a positive one. My need to set firm boundaries and establish a set of expectations turned into newsletters and there was a renewed sense of appreciation after clearing the air in a firm but respectful manner. 

I became better at setting my own personal boundaries during my daycare career.

Boundaries can even spill over into what was once the highlight of my week. Ballroom dancing. While I danced, I loved every moment and everything about it. Everything. Without exception. Until I didn't. One day, I was paying good money to do something that no longer brought me joy. My feet hurt. I felt stressed during my lesson. I wanted to be home with my dying cat. I was done. I was just done. 

Boundaries shift and change and evolve. Communication is a two way street and when both parties are effective at their side of the conversation, meaningful change can take place. Sometimes the answer is not an answer. It is simply time to move on.

Life is fluid, ever changing and evolving. When I hear of marriages that endure all of the above I am in absolute awe. I have an incredible amount of respect for people who work through their ever changing relationship, stay together and still respect one another. 

I have been asked to ponder the reason why I am unable to retire on many occasions. The short answer? I'm a quitter. I reached my tipping point on too many occasions.

IF I had stayed with the first job I ever held, took out a pension, topped it up to the maximum I was allowed, kept that pension intact and added onto it throughout my working life, I would have 41 years worth of savings accumulated. I could be sitting on a comfortable little nest egg.

IF I had stayed in my marriage, I cannot even begin to imagine where I would be right now. If I had stayed married, I would not have found myself in that first job with an offer of a pension.

IF I had stayed in a bad marriage. IF I had lived for my pension. IF I had stayed in a secure job instead of striking out on my own and opening a daycare. If I had focused on making a living instead of making a life. If ... if ... if ...

I stayed in "none of the above". I am not set up to retire. All because for one reason or another, I reached the point of no return within a marriage, a job, a home, a life style or any of the other reasons I chose to walk away and restart from where I was.

I'm grateful for where I am today. I wouldn't be here if I had walked this walk any other way. My back is stronger because I have learned to honor my own personal boundaries. Honoring my calling to "just be a mom" has strengthened not only myself but all of my relationships.

I am so grateful for all of the points of no return. The "I'm done" moments. The opportunity to restart from where I was.

I am also a little afraid. My boundaries feel a little stretched at times because at this age and stage of my life, I don't like the idea of restarting from where I am. I just want to coast.

I have a feeling my inevitable retirement may take the form of my marriage:

Do I plan to quit work? No. But I have been mentally preparing for what I subconsciously know will one day be inevitable. 

It's all going to work its way out. In its own time, in its own way. In the meantime, I trust that I am exactly where I am meant to be and I am ever grateful for my employment. While I have it, I will appreciate and be grateful for it. For one day, this will all change.

Like the end of my marriage ... I just hope I'm mentally prepared for it when it happens.

What Would You Do If You Were Retired?

Retirement is a hot topic of conversation between my aunt and me. I'm just a little older than her oldest child. He retired a few years ago. This triggers many conversations.

Q - Why aren't you retired?

A - I didn't plan well enough.

Q - How did my son retire then?

A - He stayed at the same job throughout his career. I quit my job with benefits and became a daycare provider with no benefits and no pension.

Q - Why didn't you just keep on putting money aside then?

A - I was just managing to pay the bills. There was not enough left over.

Q - How long are you going to work?

A - Until I'm at least 65 unless my job situation is taken out of my hands. 

Q - Why don't you retire now?

A - What in the world would I do with my time? I may as well work.

Q - What do you do with your time now?

A - I waste time like nobody's business. I hate to think what I would do if I didn't have to work.

Q - But what do you DO?

A - I do puzzles, I read, I write, I do my banking and play with my finances, I follow where my curiosity leads and lose track of time.

Q - What's wrong with that? 

A - Hmmmm .....

I have spent the past few mornings lost in the questions:

Q - How much has accepting and issuing life's invitations cost me the past few years?

A - Last year - about $3,000; the year before that (a year where I issued as many invitations as I accepted) - closer to $5,000

Revelation - The word "yes" is expensive

Q - Could I afford to retire if the bottom fell out of my employment income?

A - No

Q - Where did my inheritance go?

A - It went exactly where it needed to go. No regrets. But I'm still not quite set up to retire.

Q - What WOULD I do if I was retired?

A - I have sooooo many things I would like to do around here. First, I would sort through paperwork, memories and pictures. 

When I felt I had some semblance of order in all of the above, I would sit down with my letters to Mom and her letters to me. I would sort them into date and conversational order. I would cull the highlights and create a collage of "Dear Mom" letters and Mom's responses. 

What would I do if I was retired? I believe I would sit still with what I have and create order out of the papers, memories, pictures and letters I have collected.

Back to my aunt's question:

Q - What's wrong with that? 

A - Hmmmm .....

Revelation: I am grateful for the repetitive nature of our conversations. It reminds me to remember what I have is good and maybe wasting time like nobody's business today means I am planting seeds for tomorrow.

What seeds are you unknowingly planting today? What small, repetitive actions/conversations/thoughts are reminding you to think and rethink your fate? What question triggers your curiosity and subconsciously sets your thoughts in motion? 

Lose yourself in those thoughts and see where they take you. 

Morning Thoughts Tell Me All I Need to Know

My eyes popped open, never to close again in and around 5 a.m. That is okay. It is good. 5:00 a.m. gives me time to do all I want to do with my morning. Which starts with my "morning pages".

My morning thoughts were all about work. What I didn't accomplish last week. What needs to be accomplished this week. Things I know about, all the things that will crop up unexpectedly and everything in between. Work, work and more work thought infiltrated my thought waves.

I started writing which unveiled my deep seated gratitude. I am exactly where I need to be right now. Because ...

My secondary thoughts revolved around my car. Yes. My car. Again. Still. Now? It is the windshield washer pump. It is official. I have only used windshield washer antifreeze for -35ºC or colder. I do not have any light weight summer wiper fluid in the reservoir. The windshield washer pump is not pumping as it should. An appointment is booked.

As I rambled on in my morning pages, I continued to go down the path of my financial state of affairs. #1 goal - pay off money borrowed for exterior house painting this summer; #2 - save up for income taxes owing; #3 - save, save and save some more; #4 - get in the habit of spending less so when retirement does find its way into my life, I am able to live within my means.

Wait a minute!

I have had the nerve to be whiny about the necessity of leaving our home to earn a pay cheque when that very pay cheque is a requirement to sustaining my financial state of existence?!

What if my employers decided my services were no longer required? What if things changed on a dime with either of those I work with and for? Am I ready?

I don't know enough. I haven't saved enough. I have a car that is on life support to sustain its reliability. I presently spend too much money.

I have lived a life where I have had to work, spend wisely and sustain myself. I have had financial back-up systems to help me along the way. I haven't done this all by myself but I have been fully accountable for paying the bills my entire adult life. It will all be okay. It always is.

I need to refresh my memory and remind myself to simply be grateful. I am exactly where I need to be. I always am.

Dreaming of a Life of Ease

What would I do if I had all the time in the world? These are the thoughts I ponder as I have recently started to dream of what "retirement" may mean in the up and coming years.

My very first thought is that I would like to tame a wild rabbit or two. Not to trap it in a cage and keep it for myself, but for this little creature to come to know I would do it no harm and supply it with some rabbit snacks and perhaps some hay ...

My second thought is that I would register for some university courses. Tuition fees are waived for those who are the age of 65 years or better. The idea of learning for the sake of learning and not having to seek out and find employment afterwards sounds like my idea of heaven.

I would set out and discover places within our fair city to simply sit back and watch nature unfold before my eyes. I have just spent the past fifteen minutes or so watching four robins in our neighbor's front lawn. To my inexperienced eyes, it looked like there were three males and one female. I would love to learn all I could learn about the wild life that I found along the way.

I would explore our province. Day trips to destinations unknown would be my entertainment. Find a friend, pack a light snack and coffee-to-go and follow wherever the road took us. We would find our own adventure, stop for supper on our way home and come home feeling as though we had just been on vacation.

I would set small goals. Clean out one drawer a day. One box of letters. One box of photos. One cupboard. One small step at a time, great things would happen over a long period of time.

I would read. I would immerse myself in a book so good that I would become lost within the pages. My best reading days felt like I took a vacation without having to leave the house. I have lost my love for reading over the course of time. I want to rekindle that fire.

I would turn off all electronics, televisions and phones for a set time frame every day to listen to the quiet. I would listen for "the knowing" and find my way to the next moment. I would be still. Every day.

I would search for ways to keep connected to the people within my world. I would stockpile stamps, envelopes and blank writing spaces so I could send words out into the world on a regular, yet sporadic basis.

I would take notes along the way so I could write about the small stuff each and every day.

I have reread my wish list and realize I have everything I need to start this life of leisure right now. Today. There is little holding me back.

Except work. Speaking of which, I must ready myself for a day away from home. It is no wonder this life of ease feels so elusive.

In Search of a Blog

The blog writers I have followed for years have either switched their focus to social media, abandoned the idea of regular posts (look who's talking 😔) or I have outgrown their blog for one reason or another.

So I have set out on a quest to find a "50 something" blogger who writes of life as they see it. I don't want to read exclusively of health, fitness, fashion, travel, etc. I simply want to read of their spin on "life".

I want to feel like I have sat down with a friend and had a conversation of substance. I want to read  how others navigate this phase of living:

• This feeling of drifting through one's days without a defined purpose after children are grown and parents are gone...
• Living with the process and reality of loss of a loved one
• The loss of "purpose" and having to dig deep to find something that truly matters, to help rekindle the spark.
• An aging body and what to do with it in order to keep it in good running condition until it is no longer required.
• Looking after one's health now and in the future. Ill health is simply not part of the plan, so preventative measures are probably a very good idea.
• Thoughts of finances and how one is going to manage them, while hoping and planning for a work slow-down and eventual stoppage of work and retiring.
• And what of this thing called "retirement"? What does one do to redefine themselves when the necessity of going to work each day stops defining life as they knew it?
• The emotional changes as one thinks ahead, reflects and plans for a future you know nothing about. 
• Moods that drift from fear to depression to anxiety and resignation. 
• The need to remain involved, positive, vibrant and alive. 
• A feeling of drifting through the days aimlessly until you figure out "all of the above".
• The need for solid and sustaining relationships as one walks this walk. 

I have found my greatest resources come from that which I already have. Maintaining and nurturing friendships when I have not had the time, energy or desire to do so is the spice of life.

Mom's advise to "surround yourself with youth" (and she didn't mean of a daycare aged population) is essential. Conversations which focus on a healthy, youthful take on living is life affirming.

Mom appreciated the relationships she developed with her adult grandchildren. I can only guess why this may have been the case ... when it comes to your children, there is always a part of you which is a parent and always will be of a parenting nature. Grandchildren (I assume), are a step outside the parent/child relationship which alters the dynamic.

These are the things I want to read about. I want to hear how others navigate these waters. I long for these conversations to be light, humorous but pack a punch with the meaning behind the lessons learned as we make our way through these "post 50" years.

If I cannot find it, maybe I can create a piece of what I want within this space here. Life as I Know It is changing...

I Wouldn't Have it Any Other Way

Yesterday, my Second Son challenged my 'state of happy' (most likely in comparison to his own definition of who-he-hopes-to-be, as life goes on) and asked me to compare my life to my friends who are single, retired, paid off their home and able to make decisions about their future without money being an issue.

I was aghast that he would think 'financial freedom' is a priority in the whole scheme of things. I would not sell what-I-have for anything money could buy, any day of the week!

My son surmised 'because I had children', I became less of who I could be. He dared me to dream about what I could have had or been or did if I had only myself to look after.

I dipped my toe into a state of wondering and darted right back to dry ground. I fear for who I would have become if it were not for loving my children.

At a time when I didn't value myself enough to make good decisions about my relationships, I loved my children enough to save them from a life which was not safe or healthy for them. By saving my children, I saved myself.

At another pivotal time in my life, my choice to stay home and 'just be a mom' diverted me away from a life where I obsessed about retirement plans, adequate insurance and financial planning more than I worried about my family. My priorities were all wrong.

As long as a person has enough money to take care of the essentials of living, I don't believe money should be a priority. At least not in my world.

Day after day, time after time, I see all of the things money cannot buy. It can't buy health, happiness or contentment. I am rich in all three of those areas.

Money cannot buy love, acceptance and respect. I live in a world where I feel like I give and receive 'all of the above' in equal proportions.

You can't find a 'sense of belonging', self-esteem or mental health in a store.

You can purchase substitutes (in the form of addictions of varying kinds) but those substitutions come at a price much higher than the dollars spent. I have become more grounded with each year I live.

I surround myself in a world which helps to enhance the positive qualities about myself, without forgetting there is always room for improvement.

There is simply no price one can put on emotional and mental stability. They can be snatched from our fingertips in the blink of an eye.

Life continues to show me just how delicate the balance of life-as-I-know-it is, as the world around me continues to spin and there is so very little I can control, beyond how I react to these events.

When I look at my financial net worth, I could feel poor. When I look at the life I have yet to live and wonder how I am going to pay for it all, I could become paralyzed in fear. When I compare myself to others, I could feel like there is something lacking.

Instead, I look at the life I have created and I feel richer than anyone else I know.

I have three children. Three unique specimens. Three different parts of me spread out and mixed up with another unique mixture of genes and traits, stirred up inside of a human being and I love who I see before me. My relationships with each of my boys is as unique as their personalities. But life has shown us, when something threatens our status quo, we are a unit. Money can't buy that feeling.

I am surrounded by strong relationships within family and friends. I am part of a community of good-hearted people who share many of the same values which are important to me. Even in the quietest of moments, in the loneliest of days, I know I am not alone. I feel warm in the blanket of comfort and protectiveness I feel from 'my community'. I feel safe. I feel valued. I feel good. What store sells that?

I live a good life, doing what I do best (which isn't always all that good, but it is often 'good enough'). I have a perfect balance of work, leisure, family, friends, recreation to keep my heart, body and mind fulfilled.

There is balance within my work - I do not earn my living doing one thing. I have diversified my income sources the way some people diversify their mutual fund investments. Some people may dwell on the fact they must work at two or three different jobs to pay the bills. I marvel at the fact I am gifted with three different sources of income which fulfill three different parts of who-I-am.

I look at my life and I know I have what money cannot buy. I know this wealth came at a price. I look at different life-changing moments which have got me from 'A' to 'B', all the way up to 'R' and I realize how being a parent and looking outside of myself for my own 'best answers' have led me to exactly where I was meant to be.

I used to be quiet, shy, meek and mild. My cousin described me as "A person who went from one of the quietest, shiest people we all knew, to someone who talks so much, she had to start writing books so her words could keep on going on, when her mouth wasn't!"

I am not suggesting that you use another person's 'riches' as your own barometer. Only 'you' know what makes you feel rich inside. My only suggestion is to look beyond the dollar sign (once your basic meets are met). Try to find the gift of finding your sense of contentment in a round about way. Appreciate the sense of accomplishment you receive by overcoming obstacles. It is the contrasts of life that help us appreciate the little things.

Life has taken me where I was meant to be. It just so happened to include three sons in the package. I have a life money cannot buy. I am blessed. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm Livin' the Dream (and I didn't even realize it)

I think that I retired from the work force some time ago and I never fully realized it.

Fifteen and a half years ago, I unofficially retired. For a year. Some may call it maternity leave but looking back, I see that it was the beginning of my retirement.

My retirement income became that-which-I-could-earn-from home. Thus, my Daycare Business was born. I was a little bit uneasy about this whole idea of full retirement, so I kept my foot in the door at my previous place of employment for ten more years.

In and around the end of that ten year semi-retirement I thought that a change of career was 'it' for me. It was a three year experiment which I am grateful that I tried. But it wasn't a good fit. Nor did it pay the bills the way that my retirement-income-from-home did.

I have now been back in my comfort zone and living a happy little life for well over a year. It took walking away and coming back to it (with a little bit of perspective and some new rules to guide me) to fully appreciate the life that I stumbled upon over fifteen years ago.

It is a good life.

I wake up each morning and I have a purpose. I have become an 'adopted Grandma' figure for five families. With the added bonus of not being asked to take on overnight and weekend shifts (which I hear often comes with the territory when these children have blood ties).

Life without a defined purpose is a hard road to navigate. You must be much more disciplined than I. Give me a day ... and I can waste it like nobody's business. If I had 365 of those days at my disposal I hate to think of the places I wouldn't go. I thrive on responsibility. It keeps me focused.

My retirement dream has been supplemented by an (almost) lifelong dream that has come true. I am getting paid to write. I dreamed this dream decades ago. I said it out loud much, much later. I started putting my words 'out there' (for friends and family to read) and they were accepted. Then I got brave and I submitted my work to the 'real world'. And I have found a small audience that is not related to me. I did it. Retirement goal #1 - achieved.

My retirement status also gives me the flexiblity to spread my wings and grow a little bit. A little supplemental job-with-numbers is helping to keep my brain lubricated and agile. I am helping a friend in the process. This has proven to be a winning combination for me (I probably would have quit this job if it wasn't attached to a friendship). Despite the fact that I do not enjoy leaving the house (my other two retirement activities allow me to stay with in the confines (comfort) of my home). This activity pushes me out the door. Not something that I would do voluntarily. But each time I accomplish this great feat I know that it is for the greater good. I always feel better at the end of those hard (yet easy, once I am actually there) days.

If my retirement was as easy as working from home, I could easily become a hermit. I don't enjoy the idea of the days when I must push myself out of my comfort zone but they are necessary.

Retirement means many things to many people. The easy life. Retirement vacations. Life without a schedule. Pursuing dreams...

Oh, to wake up in the morning and know that the day was yours to do with as you please!! Isn't this (almost) every working person's dream? But every single day? For years on end?

Why save 'living the dream' for your retirement? Maybe the dream is now. You know what they say about the journey being more important than the destination.

I look at the journey that I am on and I see that I have already arrived. I simply cannot foresee a life where I could be more fulfilled on so many levels.

My children are at stages of their lives where they need less of me. This has given me the gift of being able to fill myself up with what I need to be 'a better me'. I still have lots of room for improvement but I don't see that happening unless I keep my life full, challenged and keep the possibility for dreams alive.

It is all about perspective some times. Look at what you do have within the life that you are presently living. I know that my rose-tinted glasses skew my personal view. I know that many people are in situations that are not at all like mine and they cannot see a way out.

But if I can do it (a single parent, living solely on the income that I can provide for myself), you can do it ... we all can do it (SCREAM!!!) ...
... these are the thoughts that I am filling my little preschool crowd with each day. Not a bad way to think if you ask me.