Aspiration

I aspire to be ...

I did not realize the power these words held until I read something this morning. The writer of the post said three things set them into motion: inspiration, aspiration or desperation.

Inspiration does not take me far. It is a spark. But a spark does not ignite without good air flow and a little "fanning of the flame" to keep it burning. Inspiration without a defined goal depletes me. I need to work toward an end result. To dream of something bigger than the spark of an idea.

I would have said desperation my driving force until I realized "desperation" has caused me to wake up and take note of a situation which no longer served me. I have sat in limbo making pro/con lists as I mapped out possibilities of where I could go from where I was at. 

To run with no set destination in mind, one doesn't go far. Once one has a defined destination - something to run toward, endless possibilities await.

I have been navigating my life without a map for a lot of years now. Lost at sea. Aimless. Pointless. Drifting. No future hopes, goals or dreams leads to nowhere.

Suddenly, "retirement" is a goal I have in mind. I have found a home I hope to retire in. A physical change, made with intention. I am moving towards the life I aspire to live.

The timeline is flexible but for the first time since Mom asked me about my 10 year plan (almost four years ago), I have found myself smack dab in the middle of a tentative 5 year plan. 

Mom? I have a plan. It feels good. Drifting aimlessly through one's days/months/years is not exhausting. But it certainly isn't life affirming.

I see the life I aspire to live in the not-so-distant future. 

This looks (and feels) like a very good destination to run toward...

Small Town Connections

I met with a new daycare family yesterday.

They found me via my website and advertising on a daycare listings site. After we had corresponded several times and decided we both felt like this could be a good 'fit' for each one of us, we discovered that our origins are from the same small town (population 118, according to 2006 census stats).

We knew many of the same people. We are semi-sorta-related through marriage (my sister is married to his dad's cousin). His parents know my cousin's family well. They heard about 'who I was' before they even met me.

What more could you ask for, when seeking daycare for your infant??

This happened one other time. The difference was that my other small-town-connection was via a referral.

But the connections we discovered once we met face-to-face were amazing to each of us.

We not only had the same small-town-origins, but her grandmother taught me piano (and just happened to be living with this family at the time), we shared the same birth date and our 'significant others' ended up working at the same place of business. When we went to a Christmas party at this place of business, one of my class-mates (from this very same home town) worked at the same place of business.

This small town connection seems to be a guiding force in my life.

I rekindled a friendship with my first-ever-best-friend-in-the-world after we met up again at our mutual home town's reunion almost nine years ago.

My dad's family ended up calling this their home town and most of Dad's brothers still live there. I managed to weave myself into their lives as I documented the 'story of their lives' over the course of the past six years.

I moved away from our small town community when I was nine years old and the past eight years have brought me back 'home' on so very many levels that I know 'this' is exactly where I am meant to be.

When a town, as small as our home-town, continues to reach out and touch me in up close and personal ways it continues to reaffirm that I have made many right choices within this life of mine.

The feeling of that small town community continues to envelope me into that small, safe world of my childhood. It keeps beckoning to me.

I wrote about this little dream of mine a long time ago: http://colleen-lifeasiknowit.blogspot.ca/2009/07/past-future.html

I can still bring up the image of that dream in my mind's eye. The way that small little town we called 'home' keeps calling to me, I feel like nothing is impossible...

The Kitchen Table

I sat down at the kitchen table instead of making my way to the computer desk this morning. It changed the course of my day.

A long time ago, in a far away land (before I was addicted to checking emails, blogs, Facebook and updating my own blogs) I used to sit down at the kitchen table with my morning coffee.

Sunday mornings were especially memorable because I used to open up our 'Sunday Sun', read it at my leisure, then work on the crossword. I would sit down and (hand) write a weekly letter to my mom. I may sit and work on my budget. Or make lists. Sometimes, I would simply dream out loud on a piece of paper in a scribbler.

I kept many of these notations, hopes and dreams. It amazed me just how often the 'impossible dreams' became my reality. Bit by bit, year by year, dollar by dollar, goals were achieved. There is something very powerful about putting your dreams on paper. They become tangible. I think your brain works harder to connect the dots and pursue your dreams when you physically 'draw a picture'. On paper and in your mind.

Time has a way of slowly shifting those little habits. Priorities change. Routines shift. You adapt and get things done in a different way. Eventually what you are presently doing bears only a faint resemblance to that which has served you well in the past.

My early morning activities have varied from walking the dog, to watching an episode of "Little House on the Prairie, to delivering papers, to exercising, to writing, to (presently) sitting down at the computer and frittering away two hours without blinking an eye.

I try to write every morning and spill my early morning thoughts into something readable. I still write my mom's weekly letter but I am in such a hurry to get it written (that task seems to have shifted to a Monday-chore), that I type it up on the computer (I chose a very nice 'handwritten' font to make it more personal though), print off and send a few blog posts along with it to thicken the envelope. Mom still has a personal letter in the mail but it isn't quite the same as a handwritten letter (except it is much more legible).

As I sat still and hand-wrote a letter to my mom this morning, it felt like I had come home again. From there, I started writing down (and illustrating) my dream-renovation list. I could have spent a few more hours at the kitchen table but I had people that I wanted to see and things that had to be done. So my fun had to end all too soon.

My scribbler remains on the table. Dreams have been documented. I already feel myself breaking down the dreams into manageable segments. I feel like I rerouted my thinking this morning. I have turned my impossible dreams into a plan. It may take years to achieve. But anything is possible if you simply keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking one, small forward step at a time.

I miss sitting at our kitchen table. I think that I will try to make a date with it more often.

Look around you. What enjoyable routine have you eliminated from your life? What is one little thing that brought you a small piece of happy without spending a penny or even leaving the house? It is often the most obvious of things that become impossible to see, within the clutter of our busy lives.

Slow down. Sit still. Dream ... it could not only change your day. It could change your life. One small step at a time.

Summer of 2012 ... Week One

As I find myself easing into the summer holiday/work season, I am grateful for many things:

• Feet that work! I have worked four consecutive days where I have been on my feet all day. The only complaint that I had was when I wore sandals the first day. Once I switched back into a fully enclosed shoe with the support that my orthotics needed, my feet felt tired. But not sore. They didn't throb. My bunions were a non-issue. This must be how it feels to have 'normal' feet. I'm lovin' it!! Score another one for my amazing podiatrist and the wonder-orthotics that he has working for me. At this rate, I'll eventually make my way back to the dance studio!
• Last weekend. I'm grateful that I enjoyed the days in a leisurely fashion and spent time with people that matter to me. I didn't know how this week would unfold and I'm glad that I went into Week #1 of my summer work schedule feeling ready to tackle whatever the week would bring.
• A schedule. Job #2 comes with a two-week schedule. Granted, this schedule comes with the caveat. The phone can (and does) ring and alter what I thought the day would bring. But ... I have the option to decline any changes that don't suit me. And ... I have the benefit of making myself unavailable to work as long as they receive enough notice. I feel like I have some flexibility. When it comes to the need to have a second job ... flexibility is key.
• Consecutive days off. So far, so good. These days may not land on a weekend, but that is okay. I would much prefer to have two to three days off in a row, verses a day of here, there and anywhere. It leaves me with the feeling that I can still have a life. And plan!!
• Income. I didn't know if I could afford an uncertain financial state throughout the summer if I had no idea what the fall would bring. I had high hopes that I would be have a full-time position at Job #1 this fall. Things could still change ... but I have been guaranteed one thing. A (.3) position. One and a half days of guaranteed work at the contract rate of pay. And ... I do have a second job to continue to subsidize the variable income factor. I still have a back-up-plan to fall back on. I am grateful that one year after my initial leap of faith, I didn't need to rely on the emergency back-up fund that I had liquidated.
• Hopes and dreams. Yes, I still have room to dream even though this summer isn't unfolding the way that I thought it would. I may not have endless time with little or no structure. But I see a summer unfolding where I can create what I need, with the time that I have been given.

I am one week in to summer vacation. By the end of this weekend, I will have worked six out of ten days ... followed by three consecutive days off.

It may not be a summer of leisure. But as it is with everything else in my life, I know with great certainty that when I am looking back upon the Summer of 2012 ... I will see that it was everything that I needed it to be. It always is.

Getting What You Ask For

“Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.”

~Dalai Lama

Maybe that is why it can be a little bit frightening when you do get what you ask for.

Have you ever felt that way???

Hanging in the Balance

A little while ago, I wrote about my favorite place to be: "The Place Between Yes and No". May I add an addendum to that? My least favorite place to be is "Hanging in the Balance".

It is the place where you stick your neck out and ask, suggest or attempt to change your destiny. And the answer is "Nothing". Absolutely nothing.

Where do you go from there?

I asked the questions. I received the response "I'm very busy right now, but I will answer you later". That was over two weeks and two quiet reminders later.

I have submitted some resumes/applications to a few job positions that could enable me to continue to follow the path that I'm on. It is not surprising that I have heard nothing. But it is disappointing.

I even applied to be a volunteer for an upcoming event in our city. Even though my application was received on the last day of their deadline, would it be too difficult to set up an automatic reply that stated the positions were filled and thank me for my application? Or a 'thanks-but-no-thanks' response? Something? Anything??

As Easter Monday (a holiday for some, but not all) turned into a regular work-day-Tuesday, I thought that a few responses would roll in. That the phone would ring. That I would hear something. Tuesday has turned into Wednesday and I am still waiting.

I can accept that no response is the answer "No" from a position with a well-defined deadline. I wish that on-line applications were acknowledged with a response: "We have no openings at this time, but will keep your application on file." I know that resumes are accepted with the proviso, "Don't call us, we'll call you". I know that people are busy and return phone calls are not high on the urgency list. But people ... please give me something!

I may not find the answers that I am seeking, but "No" or "I cannot guarantee what the future holds" gives me something to work with.

Hanging in the balance is depleting me. I didn't have much to start with. I know that "no answer" really means that I must take the reins of my life and move forward. In some direction. In any direction. Standing still is really not an option (but if I got the answer I was hoping for, I could afford to idle just a while longer).

I am stuck out here in no-man's land. In a place where there are no answers. Only more questions.

The biggest question I face? "What now??"

How Does Your Future Look?

 "Telling the future by looking at the past assumes that conditions remain constant. This is like driving a car by looking in the rear view mirror."

~ Herb Brody

Yesterday I was asked the question, "How is your future looking?" Instead of simply sending a reply email, I decided I would ponder that very question in today's post.

It seems that every time I think that I know where my future is headed ... I am proven wrong.

Life has blindsided me at times. I have taken detours. I have hit dead ends and had to turn around and find a new route.

No matter how much we think that the future is within our grasp. It isn't.

How is my present looking? One day at a time ... my life looks and feels very good. When I start projecting too far into the future, I become fearful.

I am quite enjoying my half-day work schedule so far this month. I have been puttering away my mornings and utilizing the extra time to write more thoroughly about the predominant thoughts of my mornings. I have been picking up a book. I have been contacting friends. This morning, I am going to meet a friend for breakfast.

Three and a half hours of work speeds by. Work is fun it feels like you just 'pop in for the afternoon' to help out! I feel like a paid volunteer.

I have been getting positive feedback at work. I solved a small puzzle yesterday afternoon. I am available to work every single day (even throughout the Christmas holidays). I am eager to work. I will apply for a temporary or permanent position each and every time one is posted. I am doing everything that I can possibly do to turn the uncertainty of my days into a full-time wage.

I am being very careful with my spending. I have a little bit of a cushion to fall back on if necessary. I made certain that I had a back-up plan when I changed jobs last July and (fortunately) I didn't need to utilize much of that little nest egg. This buys me time. Not much ... but it is my ace up the sleeve this month. I have no idea how many more times I may need a back-up plan. So I must respect my limitations. And I am.

I don't spend much time focusing on 'that which I don't have' ... but lately I have been spending just a little more time pondering the 'lack of a partner' in my life. I am not lonely. I don't need any man to 'complete me'. But the more time I spend on my own, the more familiar it becomes. I have a hard time visualizing where I would fit a man into my present-day life. I would enjoy a dance partner. Every now and again I think that it would be nice to have someone to hold my hand and walk into the future together. But right now? This moment? All I can think is, "It would be nice if there was a second income at times ..." This is not a good foundation for a relationship. So I am content to walk this path alone. For the moment, this is where I need to be.

The present is all that I know for sure. I can say with all certainty that as I wake up each morning, I am happy. I look forward to the day ahead of me. My life is surrounded in all that is important to me. A warm, safe and peaceful home. The security of family and friends that are within my reach. A purpose to wake up and greet each day. And hope. So much hope for the days/weeks/months that lie ahead.

Every now and again, I will be driving along the routes that I know well. I see the oncoming traffic and realize that all it would take is one millisecond ... one moment of inattentiveness on my part or the part of another driver. And life as I know it could change forever ...

I don't live my life in fear. I try to live it one day at a time. I acknowledge my past. I do my best to be grateful for each day that my life is what I expect it to be. And I have dreams of the future.

I am powerless over tomorrow. I see good things ahead. The past has taught me to expect the unexpected. Sometimes that is a good thing. Sometimes it isn't.

"How does my future look?" My future looks bright. I don't know the route I will end up taking. But I know without a doubt that no matter what happens today, I will keep hoping for the best. I will focus on the direction that I want to go. One day, I will get there. And then? I will just keep on going ...

 "Tomorrow will give us something to think about."

~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

Happily Ever After ...

I was born less than a year before Diana Spencer, so I watched with great interest when she fulfilled every young girl's dream of marrying her Prince Charming and living happily ever after.

By the time Diana married Charles, my illusion of fairy tale endings had already been shattered. I had been married, had a child, divorced, remarried (the same man) and was struggling with the harsh reality of married life by that date in history.

I watched a young Diana on the television screen before me and I didn't see a princess. I saw a real, live girl facing not only marriage ... but life under a magnifying glass, as the entire world watched the story of Charles and Diana unfold before them.

I put myself in her place and wondered how their story would turn out.

Sadly, as one would have expected in true fairy tale fashion, their marriage didn't last forever. I quietly championed for her, as she made her way in her new world after their divorce.

In 1997, my own life had hit a personal crisis level. I sequestered myself into a dome of solitude and silence as I dealt privately with a health issue. My home life was spiralling out of control. I felt alone and desperate in my own world when Diana's life here on earth ended. I mourned her death as I continued to fight my way through the days.

Little did I know that two short months later, I would be on the path that has led me to this very day. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse ... I started to see a ray of light. I have been following it ever since. Part of me died before I was reborn.

Today, another royal couple has pledged their solemn wedding vows in front of billions of people. This is a couple that (from all outward appearances) seems to have a very good chance at succeeding.

Kate is not a young, naive 20 year old girl. She is not marrying a man (almost) a generation older than her. The standards of the Royal Family Protocol have become more liberal. William has his mother's genes and he has learned much from both of his parents.

I still didn't watch a Prince marry his Princess this morning. I watched a mature, young couple with varying life experiences already under their belt make promises of 'forever' to each other.

I saw the hope of 'happily ever after' ...

A New Week Dawning

This time, last week I knew exactly what to expect from the week ahead. It was laid out clearly before me. I wasn't exactly excited about everything that was upcoming. But I knew what was coming.

This week? Anything could happen.

I walked away from the computer a moment ago ... and returned to find an email saying "You'd better come into work today". I guess I'm working. I didn't know that five minutes ago.

The 'ding' of yet another incoming email, as I wrote the previous paragraph. A brief message from the friend we met up with yesterday, returning my sentiments about what a wonderful visit we had (a friendship that has grown even better with age).

This week, it feels like anything is possible.

It could be a lot of nothing special ... which is special unto itself, because I've had so much going on within my head lately.

Each morning will be an unknown gift that is opened as I walk into the day set out before me. Who knows what the day will bring?

I've been living life, looking forward lately. I love the view. I glance in the 'rearview mirror of life' and I'm grateful for what I have learned and the experiences I've gained. But for the most part, I am watching the road ahead and glancing off into the horizon.

I see the infinite sky and know that anything could happen. It's great to have hopes, dreams and aspirations. It is also good to look forward and know that you really have no idea what is around the next corner.

I have a feeling it's going to be a very good week.

If You Book It ... They Will Come!

I did it. I finally did it!! I booked my Alaskan Cruise vacation!

This dream originated 31 years ago. A very good friend of mine went on a cruise and loved, loved, loved it. We made a pact to go on a cruise together when we were 40.

Forty came and went about decade ago ... and our goal to go cruising together didn't materialize. But this past year, as I realized that dreams really do come true if you pursue them, I dusted off this old dream and decided to not only say that I wanted to go on a cruise. But to say "I am going!"

It seemed perfect. By the time the cruise departs, my friend and I would have each been 6 months away from our 50th birthday. I'm a year older, so timing our cruise vacation for a date in between that one year age difference seemed significant.

Add my Second Friend. A friend that I knew from about ages 10 to 12. Her family was from the U.S. and her dad had a two year contract to work in Canada. As fate would have it, we became neighbors and fast friends.

We have kept in touch ever since. Forty years later, we not only exchange Christmas cards ... but thanks to the magic of the Internet, we sporadically touch base throughout the year. She now lives in Alaska.

A plan was born. An Alaskan cruise! I would get to fulfill my dream of cruising with the friend that I made the 'When We Turn 40 ...' pact. And at the end of that one way cruise, I would visit my childhood and long time friend in Alaska. Perfection!!

I have been tossing this idea around for the better part of 2010. My Cruise Friend was intrigued but not sold on the idea. I found another friend who was eager and willing to join me ... but when it came time to actually booking a date, I found I simply couldn't get a commitment.

I have been in sporadic contact with my Alaskan Cruise Experts the past few months. When I called on Friday, I was told that things book up quickly from this point on. In fact, the cruise that 'had my name on it' had only 4 spots left. I put a temporary one day hold on one of those spots.

I decided to book 'A Cruise for One', with the option of adding a friend later. There are a few rules and restrictions. But basically, changes can be made to my travelling companion up to as close as a week before the ship sails. So ... I did it. I really did it!!!

It felt absolutely marvelous!

Unfortunately, my Cruise Buddy officially informed me that the one week that I chose for this adventure was the exact same week that she had planned a 'Vacation of a Lifetime'. So we won't fulfill that particular dream. But ... she lives quite close to the city that the cruise begins, so maybe ... just maybe we can find a way to get together while I'm 'in her neighborhood'.

My Second Potential Cruise Companion was away this weekend. So I couldn't talk to her. But I left messages before and after I booked. I believe this way is better. She wasn't quite ready to commit. This will buy her some time. She may or may not decide to go with me. And that's okay.

The amazing thing is, that the idea of going on this holiday on my own does not frighten me. Not in the slightest. I am finding that I push myself out of my comfort zone more when I am on my own. The many classes I have joined these past few months have taught me 'if you reach out, people respond'. It's an amazing thing. But I actually feel a sense of gratitude as I talk to someone who was standing quietly on their own. I could do this on my own. This sense of independence and adventure that is very, very new to me. It is amazing!

But ... what I found just as amazing, is the people who are coming out of the wood work now that I've actually booked this holiday.

A friend who is in a place in her life where she cannot make long term plans said that 'one week' is as far ahead as she can plan right now. She eagerly came up to the plate, waved her hand and said ''pick me'' if I need a last minute replacement.

My Oldest Son said that he would go with me. He admitted that perhaps it wasn't at the top of his holiday destination list ... but he is eager to enhance his vacation experiences. And if I couldn't find anyone, he would be willing to go.

I had a strong feeling that this would happen. As I was rambling on to my mom about this very topic, I simply said, "The first person to come up to me with the 'cash' gets to come!!" But it is nice to know that I have a Plan "B" and "C" to fall back on if whoever-decides-to-come-with-me, must back out at the last minute.

It is a 'Field of Dreams' experience ... I knew it would be!!

"If I book it ... they will come!"

It's What's in the Middle That Counts

"... beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..." ~ from "Hope Floats"

As it is with the ebbs and flows of life, I am ebbing back to a state of normal after a whirlwind four weeks, of preparing for and performing in 'Ballroom With a Twist'.

A lot of hype went into that 1 minute and 25 second dance routine.

As we were learning the choreography, I went through my (usual) "I shouldn't be here ... I'll never learn this ... I'm disappointing my partner/the team ..." thoughts. It happens every time. I keep shaking my head thinking "I don't belong here."

We were a group of 18. It took me a while to find my 'groove' within the whole. Our practises were from 9:00 to 10:00 p.m., so when the practise was over I was racing home to say good night to My Youngest before he went to sleep. I wasn't lingering afterwards and getting to know my team mates.

Beginnings are uncomfortable for me.

Fast forward to the end ...

Just as we were nearing the end, new hope was born. There was a chance that we may be asked to perform at the last two stops of their Canadian tour. Hope! Just as we were coming to an end there was a potential opportunity to postpone the inevitable.

It was so exciting to hold onto that dream. Hope to prolong the short mourning period of the end of our time together as a team. Hope that we could take our group on the road! Hope!

So when we didn't get the call to join the cast of 'Ballroom With a Twist' the day after our final performance - our final chance to be together as a group, it was a double whammy.

The end of a good run, coupled with the loss of a dream. It knocked the wind out of my sails. For one evening. I didn't realize how much I had wished for this ... until we didn't get 'the call'. Not even a call to say we weren't going. Nothing.

I woke up the next morning and I was back to remembering 'the middle' of this adventure.

Being involved in a group. Getting to know new people. Learning fun and peppy choreography. The primping (that drives me crazy) and all of the excitement of putting it all together.

I always look back on my involvement with these dance formation groups and remember the 'middle'. Feeling a part of a whole. No one person stands out - we are a team. It's a good feeling to belong.

This mini-adventure is just one little blip in the 'dash', which is my life.

"... For that dash represents all the time

That she spent alive on earth.

And now only those who loved her

Know what that little line is worth ..."

~an excerpt from the poem 'The Dash' by Linda Ellis

Keeping the Faith

I've been harping a lot about the power of positive thinking. The power of visualizing what you want in your life, believing it and subconsciously moving your world towards the goals you want to attain.

I've read and I believe that you must see a clear goal. Know exactly what you want. Be specific. Set time lines and state exactly what you want to achieve. Don't worry about the ''how do I get form here to there". Know where you want to be and the middle part - from 'here' to 'there', will work itself out.

Have faith. Believe. Don't let the negative self talk detract from where you want to be.

Yes, I talk the talk ... but this past week, it has been harder to walk the walk.

This new life is not going exactly as I had planned. The work isn't there. I'm ready and waiting for work and the work doesn't come. I have wasted more time this past week, as I live in a state of flux. The month is ticking by and I haven't been working. I have bills to pay and just a fraction of the pay cheque that I am accustomed to, coming in at the end of the month. And that potential pay cheque keeps shrinking with each day that the work doesn't come.

It has been uncomfortable. But in reality, it hasn't been that long. The first two weeks of the month, I was not in full-time-work-mode. I finished school on Wednesday of last week. It has only been four days. But it is all of the days that I was geared up and ready, but didn't have the work to do. It is the fact that I only have a finite amount of days left in the month to earn what I need to pay the bills. It is knowing that this is the way it has always been with this job. Why did I expect it to change?

I kept telling myself "Give it a month", "Remain positive ... it will work out ... it always works out in the end", "Keep believing, keep positive, don't let the negative in". But I was losing faith.

I am planning a holiday adventure of a lifetime for next summer. It's a year away. I am going to find a way to go no matter what. I am meeting up with a long-time friend and we are going to have a reunion to remember. My finances are in a very scary state at the moment, but that is not standing in the way of my plan. I am going.

I received an email from this friend last night. She sounded so eager and excited. I read it and I tried to feel it too. I searched the Internet for ideas for this upcoming holiday and I got swept away. But I couldn't reply immediately. I couldn't share her excitement.

I woke up this morning and took control of my day.

I remembered that there was some work that I could work on for my bookkeeping job. I worked at that until I hit a wall. Then I called my boss and asked for more work. She is also stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I knew there were other things that I could be working on until such time that the flood gates open on all the work that has been on hold. She emailed me some information so that I could go ahead with what I was working on. I could move forward.

At this point, I was in the mindset to reply to my excited friend. I was in the middle of replying to her email telling her that due to my present financial state of disrepair, I wasn't quite in the place to mirror her excitement. But I was still planning on going to see her. No matter what. I was going to be there. I was certain that the excitement would come, but it just wasn't quite 'here' yet ...

Then the phone rang.

I sent out a resume 6 months ago. One resume for a casual typing position. It was a resume sent off before I took my 'Job Search and Resume Writing' course. It was a resume sent when I was mid-way through my studies. It was a resume written on a lot of hope, past experience and a good work ethic. It was a promise of what I hoped I could be.

When I didn't receive a call after that resume went out, I chalked it up to experience. I never did delete the email that I sent along with it. I thought that I would follow up one day and ask for their advice as what I could do to 'sell myself' for the next time.

Well? That resume landed me a job today. They needed someone to come in immediately to type up three documents. I was in their office within 20 minutes of that phone call. I worked for 4 1/2 hours. I made enough of an impression that he promised that he had lots of work and he would definitely call me if I was interested.

Was I interested?!?! You betcha! Opportunity was knocking. And I was home to answer the call.

Was this part of the ''how'' to get from "A" to "B"? Not specifically. But as it has been in this quest to gain control of the direction my life is headed, I'm open to any and all opportunities. A casual typing position today, working with a businessman/lawyer could lead to any number of unknown opportunities. And if nothing else, it can definitely pave the way to my Next Holiday Adventure.

My faith was wavering. It was being tested. I was holding out, but it was not easy. And I was rewarded.

Never give up.

Hopes and Dreams

I'm a writer, a list maker, a goal maker and a little obsessive compulsive about 'tracking' my life.

I have notations on my calendar about my daycare schedule, my hours at school, the hours I've logged at bookkeeping, the dance lessons that I have paid for, appointments and the events in our lives (and the list goes on).

If I have a lot to do and a finite amount of time to do it in, I will even go so far as to write myself a schedule for the day/week, with the time I have allotted for each task.

I journalled my thoughts before I started blogging and in rereading those words, I am astounded at the goals I unknowingly set for myself during a rough time in my life. And amazed that I accomplished each one of them.

My brother assembled our family together and made a video recording in 1996 where (among other things), he asked us questions about our hopes and dreams. We watched that video together last year and I marvelled at the dreams that had come true for me.

This blog tracks my thoughts, hopes, dreams and goals. The mere act of writing something down and having a way to look back and say, "Hey! I accomplished that!!" ... has made me realize just how many of my dreams are coming true.

Some are small.

I wanted to be like the Noxema Girl. I became the Noxema Girl's Mother. I marvelled at how honest and up-front children are and within the month, I had two separate men display the exact same tell-it-like-it-is honesty with me (I think there was a third instance but I have temporarily forgotten).

Then there are the bigger goals - education, career changes, financial goals, the Great Dance Adventure and the (still to be realized) dream of owning a Bed and Breakfast.

I have most of these ideas and goals tracked here on my blog. I have gone back and read the words that I had forgotten that I wrote and say "Hey - another dream came true!"

If I hadn't written all of these things down, I wouldn't have been so amazed when I realized how many of my goals were attained. We say things all of the time, but how often to we overlook the small achievements as yet another dream-come-true?

I highly recommend finding some way to track your goals. A Hopes and Dreams Journal - something as inconsequential as a small notepad. We used to write letters to Santa, didn't we? What is wrong with writing a letter to ourselves with a list of all we hope to accomplish. Call it a Bucket List, call it a Things to Do Before I Turn (place age here), call it what you may.

• Record your wish list in whatever fashion suits you best.
• Tuck it away and forget about it.
• Bring out your list and add to it whenever a new dream comes to mind.
• Find it in a year or so.
• You will be amazed at just how many of your dreams came true.

Sometimes it feels like we are just going in circles. The thing we don't realize as we continue to go about our day-to-day life ... is that the circle is evolving. Some years it gets a little smaller, other years it expands. It's fun to reach outside your comfort zone and try to make it encompass just a little bit more than it did before.

It's satisfying to have a way to look back and see how far you've come.

The Ultimate Gift

31 Dec 2007

"The Ultimate Gift" ... All I can say is .... it is a movie worth watching ... and lessons learned worth living.

Without giving away the premise of the movie, the timing to watch a movie that has the power to transform a persons life (if they so choose), was perfect. A new year dawning - a time that is known for making resolutions.

I've never been big on making resolutions myself, but I thought I should write down 'The Gifts' and live my life in a way to attain them. The neat part when I watched this movie, is that last year my life turned in a fashion that I wasn't expecting and these ''gifts'' were sprinkled in among some of my most trying times. They were the reason I picked myself up and carried on. I had never felt more hopeless than I felt last year, but as my ''gifts'' were presented to me I regained strength, a sense of myself and I actually started to dream again.

Friends ... family ... dreams ... That was the focus of 2007. Friends ... family ... dreams ... That is still my focus for 2008. There are many other gifts to strive for and attain.

This is my beginning. It is not the end.