My News as I Know It

The good news is ... my brain is not broken after all. I took a 'brain cognitive function test' yesterday and the result showed my brain performed above the norm for my age.

The bad news is ... the irritating habit of 'not remembering' is possibly related to menopause. I am not one to blame hormones for things I think I should be able to control myself. But when it comes to depression, mood swings and bad memory? Hormones seem like a good scapegoat. I'll take it for now.

The sad news is ... I took my broken brain with me into the day yesterday and we did not fare well. I was hyper-sensitive to the world, I couldn't concentrate, I spilled things (all day), I couldn't organize my thoughts nor my day and all-in-all? I didn't do well. I'd give myself a 'Fail' for Wednesday.

The better news is ... today is a new day. I stepped into the morning with no must-do-items on my early morning agenda. I've got a brand new mind-set and agenda for how-to-navigate my way through today.

The optimistic news is ... I forecast a change in my mood. Because that is one thing I have the power to control. I did not like the person-I-was yesterday and I plan to leave that girl behind in the dust. Onward!!

The best news is ... I was given another chance this morning. The good thing about a bad day is we get a chance for a do-over. Some days are worse than others. Yesterday would not even cause a blip on the Bad-Day-Richter-Scale. But my mood affected all those who touched my world. And that rates as an '8' on the wrong end of the scale in my books.

No news is good news. So I hope for a 'no news' kind of day. I just want to slide gently into tomorrow without upsetting the balance of what-works-best.

P.S. This News Report idea was stolen inspired by an email I received from My Brother yesterday. Thanks, Bro! I hope your day rates 'better than the day before' for you. 

Stranger. Danger?

I took my little daycare family out for a walk Monday morning.

It was supposed to be a walk to the post office and back which normally takes in and around an hour to make the full circle. But we kept running into road blocks that barred our way.

"Post office closed for repairs. Sorry for the inconvenience" was the first sign that rerouted our day.

It was a beautiful morning and we didn't have to be anywhere at any specific time so I asked my little 2-1/2 year old if she was up for a long walk. She agreed and off we went, in search of Post Office #2.

We jigged and jagged and made our way off of a busy street, down residential streets and cut through a school ground.

"Can I climb the mountain?" she asked (our school grounds have many man-made mounds of dirt covered with grass and she calls them 'mountains'). I didn't have the stamina to push the double stroller filled with one-year-olds through the grass so we took a half-block detour to make our way to a paved path so that my little mountain climber could run and pick the beautiful yellow flowers.

Our little 'detour' added some extra steps and time onto our little adventure but how could I deny the request of my adventurous little walker? 

Eventually (about an hour after we had left the house) we made our way to the next post office. We were met with a sign that said: "Closed until 12:00. Sorry for the inconvenience". It was 11:30. My little daycare family was getting hungry and thirsty. 

I was feeling a little defeated. I had turned a mundane little task into an 'adventure' and we were getting 'Closed' signs thrown in our faces at each turn. 

I had not packed a picnic lunch (though the thought had crossed my mind before we walked out the door) so we backtracked a little ways and went shopping at the grocery store within the same strip mall that housed our post office. Eventually I settled on a cheese, meat and cracker Lunchable, with apple juice on the side. Not half bad for a make-do meal.

We settled in to enjoy our picnic in between two stores that provided us shade, a window ledge for my weary 'world traveller' (she was not complaining about walking but I just knew that her little legs needed a rest) and we made the best of the situation.

The minute you walk out the door with two small children in a double stroller, you tend to attract attention. My two little one-year-olds are three months apart in age but people always ask if they are twins (twin stroller = twin children). I usually have one or two more little ones hanging onto the side of the stroller, so people do tend to smile and greet us on a regular basis.

(Side note: I walked past a school that I once worked at and I recognized one of the staff as she was outside on supervision. Granted, I only worked there two months and I would imagine that secretaries roll in and out of that location like erratically scheduled freight trains, so she probably didn't recognize me. But she beamed the smile that helped me through many-a-day at that particular school and said, "HI, KIDS!!", punctuating the fact that it is the kids that are the main attraction).

Back to my story:

People often make a little comment about my little daycare family and quickly move on. That particular day, a gentleman with a walker and a slur that made his English very hard to decipher hovered close to us. Eventually, I made out the words "... are sweet". 

We were in an area that attracts all kinds of people and I have to admit that I was leary of this man. When you are walking about with other people's children your defences run high but I really, really wanted this man to move on. And he did. I quietly nodded and smiled at his comment but I did not encourage conversation.

We ended up passing him once again enroute to our post office (which was now open and had a very long and slow moving line). Once again, I nodded my acknowledgement to him as we walked by.

I couldn't help but think of this man as a person. I assumed many things due to the area of the city we were in, his slur, the way he lingered and his nationality. As I waited in line to mail my parcel, I wondered "What would Glennon do?" (click on Glennon's name to read a post that further accentuates my point)

This man is a person. Possibly lonely. Maybe he has had a stroke (thus, the walker and the slur). He most definitely has 'a story'. 

I humanized this gentleman as time gave me the opportunity to take off his label and wonder. I am setting an example for the children in my care, so the way that I treat people makes more impact than I will ever really know. Yet, it is equally important to treat people-you-don't-know with a manner that does not encourage 'crossing a line' (we came home, turned on our music and Patty Shukla sang the song "Stranger Danger" to me).

As we passed this man the third time (when we were finally making our way home), he asked for a dollar. By this time, I had removed the label and simply saw 'the man inside'. Perhaps he was begging for money so that he could buy his next bottle of liquor. Maybe he needed lunch just as my young family did. Who knows where that dollar would go? It was not my place to judge. I gave him a dollar.

I got home and wondered if I did the right thing.

I took the label off of a man and humanized him in my mind. I was cordial but distant as he hovered in the company of the children I was tending. I was polite and courteous. But distant. And I gave him a dollar.

What message did I give my children (oh, those children are such big sponges)? Children naturally trust everyone. People do tend to notice, make eye contact and talk with children. I always act as a 'buffer' between the adults we meet along our way and my borrowed children. 

Outwardly, I treated this man no differently than I treat anyone else who acknowledges us. No prejudice. Inwardly, I cowered. He was scary to me. Kids are sensitive. They pick up on these things. 

Did I do the right thing? Courteous and treating everyone the same is good. A little bit of natural fear and apprehension towards strangers is instinctive and right. This man did absolutely nothing that I could construe as wrong. He passed by us as we stood still. Once. We passed by him as he stood still. Twice. Had he followed us, that would have been a whole different story.

If I was that man, would I be hurt by the way I treated him? No. Would I understand that women are protective of their children? Yes. How would I feel after our fleeting encounters? I would feel validated as a person. I would be relieved that I didn't get the cold shoulder. I would be okay.

I think I did what was right for me, for my children and even for this man. 

What Would You Do?

What would you do ...

• if you have been walking against the current with someone in your life
• who pops in and out of your days with an irregular sort of regularity
• when you do see them, you know they don't want to be with you
• they upset the flow of your day when they come to you on their own terms
• when they are embarrassed to be seen with you?
• they don't enjoy their time with you no matter what you do
• they have been put in a spot where they have no choice but to come to you
• they have relinquished on their part of a deal with you

What would you do ...

• if that person was six years old?
• but their parents are far older than that, and they are in a bind because they cannot afford daycare costs

There is nothing positive coming out of this relationship. When I look at all of the factors I listed, I feel like I am being taken advantage of. Little or no notice is being given to me in regards to their erratic scheduling. Every day this child is scheduled to come to daycare is a big question mark. Will he come? What time will he come? He appears at whatever time they can manage to get him here. No matter how I attempt to change up the day to make it more interesting for him, he doesn't want to do whatever it is that we are doing. It is more than a little bit exasperating.

Then there is the financial end of our partnership. It isn't working. There are many more details. But it is simply not working.

What would you do ...

• if someone who is not holding up their end of a working relationship comes to you and does not ask for a thing ... but in their silence, they are asking you to give even more than you already have given
• and all they have to give you in return, is a child who brings down the moral every time he walks through your door

I have maintained adult relationships in my life that have encompassed most of the points that I listed above going against them. I don't have those relationships in my life any more.

I have been running my daycare on my own terms this second time around. I value myself and those around me value what I have to offer. The kids are reaping the benefits of a positive environment. Except in this one case ...

I did nothing ...

• I empathized with the parent and offered as many options as possible (not one of them included changing our original daycare arrangement)
• I suggested that perhaps this was for the best since her child does not want to be here
• I offered my sympathies
• but I did nothing.

It feels wrong. Yet it feels right. Relationships have to work two ways. Any relationship. If I felt valued in any capacity, I would want to do more. But I don't.

I did nothing.

You Had Me at 'Hello'

I happened to overhear the greeting between My Son and His Girlfriend upon her return from work Friday evening ...

It was simple. It was happy. It was genuine.

The happy, upbeat lilt to their voices as each of them said hello to the other. "Hi!!", with enthusiasm. "Hello! How are ya?" in a joy filled response.

I hear the tones of their voices as they come and go, make a meal or simply sit at the table and have coffee. I don't hear the words. I simply hear their tone.

They laugh together. They enjoy each other's company. There is a quiet companionship between them that goes beyond the words they speak.

Words have the ability to cut like a knife. But is it just the words? When I hear the joy in their voices at their simple greeting, I can't help but think of the way the word 'hello' falls off my tongue when I meet and greet the people I take for granted in my life. Often the word is not even uttered. If it is, it is spoken as a perfunctory word out of obligation with little regard to how the person on the other end of the word will hear it.

When a person can take a word as simple as 'hello' and turn it into a paragraph full of meaning and joy ... little more is required. And it is a most excellent way to begin a conversation.

I went to see the movie "Hope Springs" last night. A movie about a couple that has been married for 31 years and how complacent they have become with each other over the course of time (and the accumulation of small things that become more-than-they-are, when they all add up). I couldn't help but think of the simple 'hello' exchanged between My Son and His Girlfriend ... they have it right. I hope they hold onto the simple courtesies as years grow into decades.

"You had me at hello" ~ Jerry Maguire. They said it all in those few words.

To Award or Not to Award ...

In this world of political correctness and success at all costs, have celebration ceremonies lost their lustre?

The Grade 8 Graduation Ceremony has been genetically altered to a Grade 8 Farewell. Students are acknowledged for 'putting in their time' at elementary school in lieu of graduating.

School is geared for success these days. I agree with the concept. But when students that are struggling with the academics of learning are moved through their education according to their age instead of their abilities ... is this a good thing?

I agree that the social aspect of moving along with your peers is something that bears consideration. But should it be a blanket decision for all students? Shouldn't each student and situation be based on individual needs and what is in the best interest for that student?

I attended my Youngest Son's Grade 8 Farewell ceremony last night. I have done this twice before when my Oldest Sons graduated (yes, they used the word 'graduate' in those days) from the elementary school system and onto high school. Each of these ceremonies struck an emotional chord within me.

Perhaps it was because each of my sons had challenges in their elementary years and due to circumstances beyond their control, they struggled.

My Oldest repeated the second grade and he went through his entire school life saying "I'm in Grade __ ... but I should be in Grade __ (the grade above)". I am certain that he could tell you all of the reasons that it is important (socially) to move along with your peers. But because he repeated a grade that was vital to learning the basics on which the rest of his education was based, he succeeded academically. As a parent, I was quietly relieved ... because he had a one year advantage to better equip him with the peer pressures.

My Middle Son struggled with school but did not fall in the spectrum of any learning ability that was making this a challenge. So my mom subsidized the cost for him to attend an out-of-school, after-school-hours tutorial type of school to assist those who struggled academically. Yes ... my son moved along with his peers. But he struggled to keep up and succeed. Personally, I think that his state of feeling overwhelmed was at the core of some of the phone calls I received from his teacher in elementary. School does not hold a lot of fond memories for him.

Yet ... the Grade 8 Graduation ceremonies for each of them was a memorable occasion. Why? Because each of them were acknowledged for a challenge they overcame (I believe that, in part, is the reason behind the French Award that My Oldest received) and what they were successful at.

The presentation of these awards were preceded with an explanation of what the award was, what qualities they were looking for in the recipient and then before the actual presentation of the award, they described the student's qualities who was receiving the award. I felt the drum roll in my heart. When the award was presented, my heart swelled with joy as their lives passed before my eyes and I saw all that they overcame to achieve this.

My Youngest Son has had an easy go of it so far. Our home life is calm, stable and supportive. He catches on to the academics of school easily. He enjoys sports and has a flair for the arts (especially drama). He is a good citizen at his school. He does small things that make a big difference in his community. That ... is just who he is.

This year, he made a conscious effort to make it a memorable year. He ensured that he was involved in what was important to him. Right from the onset of the school year, he made it his goal to have perfect attendance for the year. He succeeded in his goals.

Last night, I had few expectations but I was hopeful that the ceremony would feel up close and personal. This is the last Grade 8 ceremony that I will attend as a mother. That sentiment alone should have made this a momentous occasion.

But it wasn't.

My number one complaint is that I could barely hear what was being said. The vast majority of the ceremony was in the voice of the students. Unfortunately we couldn't hear a lot of the voices. Half way into the ceremony someone had the bright idea to turn up the volume on the speakers. The other half of the frustration was with the unending voices of the children in the audience. If I have one suggestion for these ceremonies, it would be to strongly encourage a quiet audience. Provide childcare or make a concerted effort to ensure the adults in the audience are able to hear over the small children (this really irks me and I can still feel a residual grudge this morning).

The farewell program (from what I could tell) was thoughtful and highlighted each student equally. As each student went up to accept their certificate, the student preceding them described who they were; their likes & dislikes; their hopes and dreams. It would have been nice to hear all of them ...

Then as (what appeared to be an afterthought) the ceremony was winding up, they had a few awards to hand out. The only word that I heard to describe the first one, was 'proficiency'. Oh. With little fanfare and an unmemorable description of the award, two female students were called up to accept this award. Then there was one more. I thought I heard the word 'Kinsmen' ... that's all I made out before My Son and another boy's name were announced and they went up and touched the award and went back to their seats.

What just happened here???

As the vice principal came up and congratulated My Son after the ceremony, I asked him what the award was for. I was dumbfounded when I heard his (lack of) answer.

He stumbled and fumbled over the words and said words like: overall; community; academically; and a few more words that I have forgotten. He said that the school had made the decision not to have any awards and an organization "Kids Up" (????) approached the school and insisted that they had this award that they wanted to be given. They didn't have the plaques made up in time (they hope they will deliver them before school ends next week), nor did they have a presenter for the award. But they insisted ... so the school obliged. Even though their heart was not in it.

Am I proud of my son for receiving this acknowledgement? I think so. I feel like I should make up words to describe why he received it. But it was an honor to hear that he stood out in a positive way.

What the school decided to do in lieu of awards, was to put stickers on the individual student's certificate to acknowledge the areas in which they were award-worthy. Do I agree that these acknowledgements be made on an individual basis? Definitely. How can you give one award when there are a dozen worthy students? How can you discern the vast differences as to why one student should receive this acknowledgement over another? If one percentage point makes a difference as to who receives an award over another ... it doesn't encompass the individual efforts required. Yes! Acknowledge all students for what they excel at.

But to me, there is one acknowledgement that could and should have been made. Attendance. Yes ... there are a wide and vast array of reasons why some students must miss school. But after a year of being responsible for taking attendance calls and following up on unexcused absences ... I am quite biased in regards to this matter.

Reasons that I have heard for students being absent:

• (s)he's tired
• I can't make her/him go
• they don't have mitts/boots/appropriate clothing
• grandma/cousins/family are in town
• we are going out of town
• family vacation to an exotic (out of country) location
• extra-curricular activities (in the old days, didn't that mean AFTER school?)
• a sibling's tournaments
• they don't have a way to get to school
• I need them at home to help out
• ... and that is just to name a few ...

There are as many or more legitimate reasons. And yes, anything can come up at any time that no one could ever plan for. Life is like that. But when parents don't make attendance a priority in their own life ... what kind of example are they setting?

That is why I think that there is one award that is politically correct to acknowledge. Attendance. Even my mom received the Perfect Attendance award for every (?) year she bowled. Why not at school?

My Son told me that they were told at the beginning of the year, that they would come up with a special acknowledgement for those that had perfect attendance for the year. My son was inspired by another student who had perfect attendance for four years. He made up his mind and achieved his goal. What was the special acknowledgement?? Pizza lunch. Oh.

Well, my son ... this is real life. You must set your own sights and standards high. Reach for the stars and believe anything is possible. You will find your rewards as you go along ... but most of them will come from doing your personal best and giving yourself credit where credit is due. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge every small victory.

The reality is that awards aren't given out for life successes. That is why it is so important to acknowledge the little things that people do when ever you have an opportunity. We all need a little encouragement from time to time.

Eighty percent of success of success is just showing up.

~Woody Allen

Ready For Anything

It is Monday. It is a brand new morning of a brand new week. Anything is possible. I started this morning with a momentum that begs me to keep on moving. No matter what. And I will.

I truly believe that this 'Life of Living Idle' is my reality because it is exactly what I need to push through some of the (what feel like) daunting challenges that I have been putting off.

I have been given the gift of time. If I am not filling that vacancy with paid employment, it is up to me to take advantage of this temporary lull and make it work to my advantage.

It is time to fight off the demons called procrastination and making excuses. It is time to maximize my free time because I have no idea how long I will have it.

I am exactly where I need to be right now. Maybe it is not a place that I would choose to be, but since I have done and am doing everything in my power to make this work ... I must make the most of what I have.

I must trust that there is a purpose to this transitional phase where much of what I want and (think I) need are out of my reach. If I am doing everything in my power to make a good situation better, I must focus my excess time and energy to that-which-remains-to-be-done in my life.

And I will.

Make the most of your day. Turn what you have into what you need. Trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

Happy Monday, World!! It is going to be a banner week. I can feel it ...

Writer's Block

I had every intention of sitting down and letting my fingers do some talking on the weekend ... but I didn't like what they were saying. So I deleted what I started to write and thought that I would come back and write when my thoughts were a little more coherent.

I do believe that I must simply sit down and let my fingers say what they want to say. I have been working hard at stifling negativity in my days and I feel the struggle in my writing. While trying to be cautious with words, I am quietening my inner thoughts and there seems to be a dam forming in my mind. The positive is fighting to get through but there are simply too many other thoughts preventing the free-flow of words.

I came across this article on the weekend "How to Deal With Negative People". If you are fighting negative vibes in your days, I highly recommend clicking on the title and perusing the article. I found situations very close to home within several points.

One day I will decipher my thoughts and write more. But for the moment, my best advise is to check out the article. If negativity is a factor in your life, cloak yourself with an invisible shield of armor and don't let someone else's words break through your protection. Easier said than done ... but there are nine other strategies to consider. Be strong!

I understand that everyone has a right to their own thoughts and feelings. But no one has a right to attack your inner sense of harmony. This slow but steady trickle of negativity has my hackles up. The 'fight or flight' mode has been triggered ... and I'm not going anywhere.

Enough said.

I have a mish mash of thoughts pinging around in my head lately. Work stuff. Life stuff. Family stuff. Friend stuff. 98% of it is good stuff. I am working at plowing my way through the 2% of negative stuff so that I can go to town and let the positive words come forth!

I'm working on it. I'm not sure when I'll get there, but it won't be long. I'm on my way ...

Ready For Anything

It was an unexpected day. I thought I knew where I was working yesterday, but one phone call just before I walked out the door changed that.

I already had my brain turned on and working through strategies to make the day ahead of me productive and positive. All I had to do when my destination changed unexpectedly, was to take that plan and make it work in a brand new environment.

Another new school. A day where Head Office didn't receive the change of location information in time to make any of my computer programs functional where I was working.

New faces, no other secretary in the office and a whole new set of challenges were set out before me.

And it was okay! It was really okay!! I introduced myself to staff members as they walked through the door and treated the day as if I was 'there to stay'. I made a conscious effort to remember names. I worked independently and treated this as a practice run for the new school that I will be working at next week (for the next three weeks).

The staff were wonderful. The students were awesome (I actually had one student tell me that I was awesome, too!). It was a whirlwind day and I was still standing at the end of it all.

It was a day that helped me appreciate the gift of a new beginning. Another chance to start all over again, utilize the knowledge and strategies I've learned the past month and make the most of a day.

It was a day when I woke up and prepared myself for whatever the day had in store. I was ready for anything. It proved to be a very good way to start the day!

Absolutely!

Absolutely - With no qualification, restriction, or limitation; totally.

I seem to find this person no matter where my life takes me. That purely energetic, cheerful soul that sprinkles a sense of joy wherever they go.

At my New Place of Employment, there is That Girl. She oozes a sense of happy. She is the one you aspire to 'be'.

When asked a question, her answer is often a resounding, "Absolutely!" There is not a sense of holding back. No feeling that it is a "perhaps" or "I'll see what I can do". It is 100% completely heartfelt "Absolutely!"

I listen to my co-workers and hear a sense of this cheer-leader spirit in all. I hear the word "absolutely" utilized in their vocabulary. Perhaps not with the same gusto as the girl who uses the word with enthusiasm ... but the "absolutely" attitude is instilled in those within our office.

I can look back at every job and find that one person that stands out from the rest. The one with the "absolutely" attitude.

I don't aspire to be a yes-man. I strive to embrace the Absolutely Attitude and move forward through each and every part of my life without qualification, restriction or limitation. Totally.

Self Fulfilling Prophecies

Yesterday morning, I posted my blog "I Love My Job" at 8:38 a.m.

At precisely 8:48 a.m., I sent an email to my employer letting her know that I was almost caught up with the work at hand and I was ready, willing and able to do anything to keep me busy.

I started working at about 9:15 a.m. and about an hour later, the only job I had left to do was to stamp the return mail address on a box of 500 envelopes (yes, as I tell my Youngest Son ... I do get paid to do this!).

It was at that point that I started second guessing myself on my earlier post "I Love My Job". Negativity was right around the corner and I thought I may have to retract that post. But instead, it was as if the positive vibes I sent out earlier in the day were rewarded.

I wandered over to check for any incoming emails. My employer and I have yet to find the ideal means of communication. I phone ... and they are busy. I email ... and they don't get around to checking it. I leave messages ... and the message isn't passed along ... or they don't have time to call back ... or they forget? ... Internet troubles ... Technical difficulties. You name it, we seem to have run across it. But yesterday?? I received a speedy reply to my email. She had work for me! All I had to do was come and get it. Instant happy!!

I was elated (yes, little things make me very happy) to find out that we had the missing invoices that I required, to complete a project (balancing a core book) that I have become very invested in; another small project to do; and bills to pay. Yee haw!! Work to carry me through the day and into the next. I was thrilled.

I packed up my little treasure trove of work (formerly known as Pandora's Box, as I have had many not-so-wonderful encounters with the above mentioned projects), and happily drove back home.

I ran into a snag when my 'core book' was out $110.00 and I just couldn't walk away from it (though I tried). I was determined to find that outage. That core book has become my baby. I have gone back close to three years and 'rebuilt' it from scratch to ensure it balanced. I was on a mission.

It took the better part of the afternoon, but I found the outage. I felt like I'd conquered the world. It was a very good day to be a bookkeeper.

And it all started by telling the world "I Love My Job".

I thought of the mantras that continually run through my head: "I love my life" ... "I am blessed" ... "I am happy" ... "I am healthy" ... "I admire who my children are and who they are becoming" ... "I have the best family in the world" ... "I have the greatest bunch of friends" ... "I love dancing/Zumba/writing/and the list grows" ... And I wondered if I am stating what I want and expect in my life and making it happen?? Or am I just that lucky?

I am going to try it out again today. "I still love my job". And today I have an extra bounce in my step because I have my dance lesson tonight. And I love, love, love dancing!!

Let the day begin!! I'm ready! Because simply put ... "I love my life!"

Keeping the Faith

I've been harping a lot about the power of positive thinking. The power of visualizing what you want in your life, believing it and subconsciously moving your world towards the goals you want to attain.

I've read and I believe that you must see a clear goal. Know exactly what you want. Be specific. Set time lines and state exactly what you want to achieve. Don't worry about the ''how do I get form here to there". Know where you want to be and the middle part - from 'here' to 'there', will work itself out.

Have faith. Believe. Don't let the negative self talk detract from where you want to be.

Yes, I talk the talk ... but this past week, it has been harder to walk the walk.

This new life is not going exactly as I had planned. The work isn't there. I'm ready and waiting for work and the work doesn't come. I have wasted more time this past week, as I live in a state of flux. The month is ticking by and I haven't been working. I have bills to pay and just a fraction of the pay cheque that I am accustomed to, coming in at the end of the month. And that potential pay cheque keeps shrinking with each day that the work doesn't come.

It has been uncomfortable. But in reality, it hasn't been that long. The first two weeks of the month, I was not in full-time-work-mode. I finished school on Wednesday of last week. It has only been four days. But it is all of the days that I was geared up and ready, but didn't have the work to do. It is the fact that I only have a finite amount of days left in the month to earn what I need to pay the bills. It is knowing that this is the way it has always been with this job. Why did I expect it to change?

I kept telling myself "Give it a month", "Remain positive ... it will work out ... it always works out in the end", "Keep believing, keep positive, don't let the negative in". But I was losing faith.

I am planning a holiday adventure of a lifetime for next summer. It's a year away. I am going to find a way to go no matter what. I am meeting up with a long-time friend and we are going to have a reunion to remember. My finances are in a very scary state at the moment, but that is not standing in the way of my plan. I am going.

I received an email from this friend last night. She sounded so eager and excited. I read it and I tried to feel it too. I searched the Internet for ideas for this upcoming holiday and I got swept away. But I couldn't reply immediately. I couldn't share her excitement.

I woke up this morning and took control of my day.

I remembered that there was some work that I could work on for my bookkeeping job. I worked at that until I hit a wall. Then I called my boss and asked for more work. She is also stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I knew there were other things that I could be working on until such time that the flood gates open on all the work that has been on hold. She emailed me some information so that I could go ahead with what I was working on. I could move forward.

At this point, I was in the mindset to reply to my excited friend. I was in the middle of replying to her email telling her that due to my present financial state of disrepair, I wasn't quite in the place to mirror her excitement. But I was still planning on going to see her. No matter what. I was going to be there. I was certain that the excitement would come, but it just wasn't quite 'here' yet ...

Then the phone rang.

I sent out a resume 6 months ago. One resume for a casual typing position. It was a resume sent off before I took my 'Job Search and Resume Writing' course. It was a resume sent when I was mid-way through my studies. It was a resume written on a lot of hope, past experience and a good work ethic. It was a promise of what I hoped I could be.

When I didn't receive a call after that resume went out, I chalked it up to experience. I never did delete the email that I sent along with it. I thought that I would follow up one day and ask for their advice as what I could do to 'sell myself' for the next time.

Well? That resume landed me a job today. They needed someone to come in immediately to type up three documents. I was in their office within 20 minutes of that phone call. I worked for 4 1/2 hours. I made enough of an impression that he promised that he had lots of work and he would definitely call me if I was interested.

Was I interested?!?! You betcha! Opportunity was knocking. And I was home to answer the call.

Was this part of the ''how'' to get from "A" to "B"? Not specifically. But as it has been in this quest to gain control of the direction my life is headed, I'm open to any and all opportunities. A casual typing position today, working with a businessman/lawyer could lead to any number of unknown opportunities. And if nothing else, it can definitely pave the way to my Next Holiday Adventure.

My faith was wavering. It was being tested. I was holding out, but it was not easy. And I was rewarded.

Never give up.

Time Saving Tips

It seems that I don't have a lot of spare time these days. Between school, work, kids, family, dancing and friends (sorry, friends! ... it seems like it's been forever since we sat down and had a good chat), my days are very full (and fulfilling).

I started thinking about the ways that I've been saving time since the onslaught of this 'new life'. This is what I came up with:

• I've cut back on worrying. It is a waste of time and energy. No matter how much I worry about something, it doesn't make a difference. The only way I can make a difference is by 'doing'. A much better investment of my time.
• I noticed that I rarely get angry any more. In my daycare world, it seemed there were many frustrations. I got tired of saying the same thing time after time and (seemingly) not making a difference. I used to tell the kids "The third time I say the same thing, I start to get mad!" (this was said in my angry voice). There were many other frustrations (parent's ever-changing schedules and the lack of letting me know about it). I used to waste too much energy on anger. Not any more. Sure, there are frustrations that arise from time to time. But nothing like the old days. I'd much rather go with the flow of things. It's better for my blood pressure anyway.
• Stress. What is that? I still expose myself to a regular dose of just enough stress to be productive (if I don't have lists and deadlines, I don't move). It's not that fist-in-the-chest-stress. It is a game. "How much can I do before I run out of time?" is the mantra that runs through my head when I need to accomplish something. It's not stressful though. It's almost fun.
• Housecleaning. Our house is fast becoming a steel-toe-shoes-zone. I tried to retrieve something from our upright freezer a while ago. I did a little jig, as I danced around the frozen chicken that was falling out onto the floor beside my unprotected toes. I pulled the (rarely used) ironing board out of the closet yesterday morning and dumped the bag of miscellaneous wrapping paper and accessories, toilet paper and just avoided dumping cans of tomato soup on my toes (and what are all of these varying items doing in the same closet anyway?). Last week, I thought I should add some bay leaves to some homemade soup that I made. But I gave up - I couldn't find them in the cupboard. I believe that we are entering the third year since I've done a top to bottom housecleaning. Look at all the time I've saved there!
• Budgeting. I used to sit down on a regular basis and try to figure out how I was going to pay the bills and juggle the numbers to make them work the way I wanted them to. It was an impossible task (see point #2 - ever changing daycare schedules/income). I fretted and stewed over it (see point #1 - wasted energy). It never failed. Things found a way of working out in the end. Now? I add up what I need to pay ... and pay it. I have some varying income, but the income that I need to pay my bills is stable enough that I have decided to just relax. I still have long term goals and plans. I have a general idea how I want my financial situation to go. But I'm not belaboring it. I'm more fun to be around when I'm not counting pennies.
• Worrying about my weight. The more I think and obsess about it, the more I eat. If I cut back and sacrifice life's tasty pleasures, my weight doesn't decrease proportionately. If I obsess about exercise, I start stressing out more. My weight seems to have hit a plateau. I call it my 'insurance factor'. I have enough extra weight on my bones so that I can afford to get sick. And ... even though I'm not impressed with my 'rear view', I would think that extra padding should insure me against breaking a hip if I fell.
• I've adapted a new attitude. "C'est la vie" (and that was before I went to Montreal!); "It's not a biggie"; "Don't sweat the small stuff"; "What will be will be" (otherwise known as "Que sera, sera" for the French side of me). These are the mantras that coast through my mind these days. Besides working on a second language, these are good words to live by.

I've decided that this is a much saner way to live my life. I'm happier. I'm easier to live with (isn't that right, Second Son??). I'm healthier.
Just the other day, My Oldest was complimenting (??) me on my quality of being able to find the bright side to anything that happens. He started to utter the words that ''Even if the house was to burn down ..." What came immediately to my mind when he put that scenario before me? "At least I wouldn't have to clean it."

Making the Most of a Day

Yesterday was a very good day.

It started with 'blogging out my thoughts' and the realization that I need to focus on the positive. I recognized that the attitudes in my home to begin with me. I can only control my own thoughts and actions. So that is what I did.

I rounded up the kids and told them they were going on an adventure. We were going where ever the road took us and the only rule was: that they had to be on their best behaviour. Because we could turn around and go home at any time.

They felt in control of something, I felt in control of something. It was a winning combination.

Our adventure started with a walk. The walk led us to the library. We walked into the kids section just as 'Story Hour' was beginning and we were invited to join them.

'My kids' were ... perfect. My heart swelled with joy, as they quietly listened to the stories, joined in the activities and songs and were so well behaved.

Their reward was the next stop on our adventure list. Lunch at McDonald's. They weren't all exactly perfect but they are kids. They were pretty darn good. On with the adventure ...

We had one last stop. A playground was en route to our next destination (home) and they had a chance to run, play and just be kids. Time to let off some steam and get rid of some of that harnessed energy.

3 hours after our adventure began, we were home. It was quiet time and 'my kids' were relaxed and quiet (or sleeping). Everyone was content. Especially me.

In doing something that the kids could all enjoy, I enjoyed myself. My day didn't feel like work. Getting away from the boundaries of our home and yard felt like such a treat. If we did it every day, it wouldn't be special. But yesterday was a good reminder of to try and make the most out of an ordinary day.

I felt a little overwhelmed with the negativity that I had let seep into my days yesterday morning. I often start to write and have no idea where my fingers will take me. It feels like my subconscious mind speaks through the words that I write, even before my conscious mind fully understands.

I took control of the day yesterday. I reached out and tried to grab some positive. And I succeeded.

Need Input

We just watched "Short Circuit" on the weekend - a movie about a robot that can absorb information (input) like a sponge. And as I woke up to face this day, I heard his little robot voice inside of my head saying "Need input" .... Positive input.

I've had a few less than positive encounters this week, which is not usually a big deal. But I haven't had much positive to offset the words, so I'm craving input. A few positives to outweigh the negatives.

As these brief conversations seem to be replaying in my mind, it is not so much the words that resonate within me ... but the tone. I am questioning if I initiated the negativity or simply responded to it. Normally, I just let these things slide off my back.

My days with kids haven't been great. The oldest one here wants her mom to find a new babysitter (I know this because she whispers this to the second oldest and he loudly declares that he wants his mom to find a new babysitter too). She has been doing this every time she's been here (she is only here on school holidays), so this is nothing new. I had been told that this family would probably not be here over the summer so I wasn't too worried about it. But so far, this hasn't been the case.

As this attitude starts from the top, it has a trickle down effect. So it is with attitudes. Starting with mine. I don't really want to be here either. Maybe I'm the one initiating it??

So I sat down with my pen and paper yesterday (every time I'm in a state of flux, I grab a piece of paper and start writing) and tried to formulate an action plan. What can we do, with this wide array of ages and personalities that are here over the course of the summer?? I came up with ideas. Now I just need to round up the ambition.

My evenings are pretty free once again with my dance instructor on holidays. Again, I grabbed my pen and pad and tried to formulate a plan of attack. How to best utilize those after supper hours? Time to exercise, time to work on transcribing those taped conversations and family histories, time to practise dancing ... time!!

Last night was my first free night. My kids were all gone one hour earlier than normal. So I sat outside with the cat and my book ... and I read. It was wonderful. Eventually I threw supper together and it was good. And I still had the entire evening ahead of me. I was in heaven.

And I wasted it. I finished my book, I grabbed another book and that was it. I didn't accomplish anything.

I finally finished (to the best of my ability) the pile of book keeping work that I've been working on the past week and a half. I think it is 'to the best of my ability' part that is so frustrating. I can complete, absolutely nothing. Between missing paperwork, unanswered questions and misleading information ... 'finished' is far from finished. I don't like working when I am unable to finish a job. There is little satisfaction to a job well done, when that job has 24 sticky notes with "??'s" marked on them and 2 pages worth of questions to be answered.

I'm spinning my wheels. I have so much to do ... and I'm not doing any more than the required minimum. I need a little dose of adrenaline coursing through my veins.

That is what 'positive input' does for me. Interactions with the positive people with my life is my life line. And I think it works both ways.

Time for action. If I need 'positive input', I must reach out for it. And that ... I shall do!

Testing 123

I don't know if my computer troubles are over or not. My computer doctor tells me I have no problem (it's other peoples problems). I think he is in denial! If I am the common denominator to all these strange messages attached to my emails in other peoples inboxes (despite their internet providers), and I'm not getting any odd messages ... how could this be other peoples fault?

But isn't that the mind set of many? It's 'the other guys fault' ... 'blame someone else' ... 'it couldn't be me'.

I am all too willing to accept blame where it is due. I won't take all of the blame all of the time. But I'm willing to own up to my part of a problem.

It isn't just emails and computers. It's life.

And so begins another day ...