I have been filling myself up with other people's words recently. I have been reading. It has been thoroughly enjoyable.
After watching the movie "Judy", I was interested in finding a biography on Judy Garland. I was in the biography section in the library unsuccessful in my quest, when I found Sally Field's memoir "In Pieces" and Chrissy Metz's (from "This is Us") book "This is Me".
I believe I found the books I was meant to read. The thing I love about both of these books is they are autobiographical. No one from the outside, looking in has written the words. They are first person, told from their personal point of view.
Their stories both go back to their first memories, their childhood, the circumstances they were raised in which resulted in a lot of memories about their mothers. As an imperfect mother in an imperfect world, I read their words from the perspective of my own children.
If my three sons were to write a book about their childhood, the mother they knew, their father as they knew him, the circumstances, their challenges, my failings leading up to the people they are today, it would result in three completely different stories.
As I read Sally and Chrissy's books, I thought the same rang true as they spoke of parents as they knew them. Both Sally and Chrissy had other siblings. It sounds as though different children within the same family were treated differently. To write this without context sounds harsh. But from my own personal experience, I know I was a different person as I raised each one of my boys.
Youth, inexperience, struggles within the marriage, finances, job security, my own personal character flaws, outside influences ... everything changed as I went along. I did the best I could at the time and my best changed and evolved over the years. No matter how much I learned along the way, I still made mistakes.
I love the way Sally Field summarizes how she feels as she brings her book to a close. She acknowledges the changing theories on raising a child, she writes of how important the infant to independence years of caring for a child are but she emphasizes that who you become as a person and a parent for the rest of your life matters a lot.
We are all imperfect beings doing the best we can with what we have. I challenge anyone out there to say they have been perfect. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we repeat the mistakes, recycle them, relive them and continue to relearn the lessons we were meant to learn.
We all have different "starting points". We were all raised differently, we have different gene pools, we internalize the world in our own unique way. Some of us learn faster than others. Some may be trapped in circumstances they cannot leave.
Chrissy Metz summarizes it by saying "Hurt people hurt people". Everyone has a story. I am so grateful to have read Sally and Chrissy's stories. Stories where they simply tell the facts as they remember them. Their truth. They don't point fingers and blame others for their circumstances. They acknowledged they wouldn't have become who they needed to be without the challenges they overcame.
I am grateful I stumbled upon autobiographies. They were interesting to read, I learned a lot and these books have piqued my curiosity to learn more, read more, write more and write better.
These little gifts were courtesy of my local library. All for the cost of $0.00. Reading is free of charge. Learning is optional. I love the door these books opened. I appreciate the perspective I have gained as a result of these personal memoirs. Thank you Sally and Chrissy.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Sunday, November 3, 2019
Wednesday, June 12, 2019
Thoughts of the Past
Another day, another birthday. As the birth of my youngest son loomed on the horizon I had one small wish. I hoped it wouldn't land on today. Today is my ex-husband's birthday.
It was a foolish wish but it was granted none-the-less. My thoughts of the anniversary of today and yesterday's anniversary are wide and diverse. As are my thoughts this morning.
My ex-husband is not well. The details are not mine to share but there is a story behind those words. Our parting was messy, complicated and we could never quite come to terms with a life where we were friendly but not a couple. So we remained complete and separate entities from each other.
After reading a biography recently and watching interviews with the author, she advised everyone to write their own memoirs. Not necessarily to share with the world but simply to chronicle your life. I took this to mean that in the act of writing, she unravelled some of her own thoughts and feelings about a rather complicated upbringing.
This statement made me think about the relationship I shared with my ex-husband. We were polar opposite of each other and people often wonder what brought us together. I wish I had a clear answer. I often glaze over the memories of our courtship and marriage and wish I had an arsenal of good stories to pass along to our children.
Our separation was not pretty. Our relationship was unhealthy. I felt the need to protect our children and do my level best to raise them in a manner in which history did not repeat itself. Our oldest son retained the memories of living within the confines of our marriage. Our youngest son was three months old when we left. He grew up not knowing his father but I remember his innocent years when he would comment, "My dad could fix this..." if only he had one (were the words I heard but were never said aloud).
There are chapters which could fill the gap between "then" and "now". I was a third party to the attempts of communication during the missing years. I did my level best not to influence our children's thoughts about their father but instead let his actions speak for themselves.
The father/son relationships never happened. There doesn't appear to be a story book ending in sight. I am afraid time is running out but there is little hope of changing the ending.
My oldest son gave me some insight on how he felt when long term relationships ended. He once told me he had to either love her or hate her. There was no middle ground for him. I wonder if that is how his father felt...
I'm walking into uncharted territory here but I have one wish. I would like the opportunity to sit down and reminisce with my ex-husband so I could piece together his memories with mine and remember the good times. I would like to have the full story in my head when I think of the story of "us".
This is something I have wished for, for forever but I dared not cross the line drawn in the sand between us. Is it too little, too late? Or is it simply too late? I simply want to have memories that remember the reasons we married and kept reconciling. I want to have something light and easy for our children to remember when they think about "us".
Long ago, I came to terms with our past. I would often say that I didn't love him or hate him. I simply felt indifference. Indifference is the opposite of love.
I would like to amend my previous statement to read that I have a healthy acceptance of what was, what wasn't and that we tried, tried and tried again to make our relationship work. I have forgiven myself for being unable to make this work but more importantly, I have accepted the fact that it simply couldn't. For reasons out of our control.
The story of "us" is a part of my life. I wouldn't change it if I could. The story of who we were together forged a big part in the person and parent I became. I think the struggle was worth the result. No regrets.
It was a foolish wish but it was granted none-the-less. My thoughts of the anniversary of today and yesterday's anniversary are wide and diverse. As are my thoughts this morning.
My ex-husband is not well. The details are not mine to share but there is a story behind those words. Our parting was messy, complicated and we could never quite come to terms with a life where we were friendly but not a couple. So we remained complete and separate entities from each other.
After reading a biography recently and watching interviews with the author, she advised everyone to write their own memoirs. Not necessarily to share with the world but simply to chronicle your life. I took this to mean that in the act of writing, she unravelled some of her own thoughts and feelings about a rather complicated upbringing.
This statement made me think about the relationship I shared with my ex-husband. We were polar opposite of each other and people often wonder what brought us together. I wish I had a clear answer. I often glaze over the memories of our courtship and marriage and wish I had an arsenal of good stories to pass along to our children.
Our separation was not pretty. Our relationship was unhealthy. I felt the need to protect our children and do my level best to raise them in a manner in which history did not repeat itself. Our oldest son retained the memories of living within the confines of our marriage. Our youngest son was three months old when we left. He grew up not knowing his father but I remember his innocent years when he would comment, "My dad could fix this..." if only he had one (were the words I heard but were never said aloud).
There are chapters which could fill the gap between "then" and "now". I was a third party to the attempts of communication during the missing years. I did my level best not to influence our children's thoughts about their father but instead let his actions speak for themselves.
The father/son relationships never happened. There doesn't appear to be a story book ending in sight. I am afraid time is running out but there is little hope of changing the ending.
My oldest son gave me some insight on how he felt when long term relationships ended. He once told me he had to either love her or hate her. There was no middle ground for him. I wonder if that is how his father felt...
I'm walking into uncharted territory here but I have one wish. I would like the opportunity to sit down and reminisce with my ex-husband so I could piece together his memories with mine and remember the good times. I would like to have the full story in my head when I think of the story of "us".
This is something I have wished for, for forever but I dared not cross the line drawn in the sand between us. Is it too little, too late? Or is it simply too late? I simply want to have memories that remember the reasons we married and kept reconciling. I want to have something light and easy for our children to remember when they think about "us".
Long ago, I came to terms with our past. I would often say that I didn't love him or hate him. I simply felt indifference. Indifference is the opposite of love.
I would like to amend my previous statement to read that I have a healthy acceptance of what was, what wasn't and that we tried, tried and tried again to make our relationship work. I have forgiven myself for being unable to make this work but more importantly, I have accepted the fact that it simply couldn't. For reasons out of our control.
The story of "us" is a part of my life. I wouldn't change it if I could. The story of who we were together forged a big part in the person and parent I became. I think the struggle was worth the result. No regrets.
Friday, March 15, 2019
Delicate Balance of Life and Living
Life is a balancing act. The components within said life are ever-changing and always evolving. The only thing one can count on in life (besides death and taxes), is change.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm not a big fan of change. But it keeps happening anyway. The secret is to maintain some balance within those times of flux.
There is a delicate balancing act required between work, play, self preservation, relationships, give/take, yin/yang and an infinite number of components one fits into a lifetime.
I'm at a rather enjoyable stage where I'm ready to fit "people" back into my days. It is not as easy as it sounds. At least not for me ...
I'm a morning person. By the time I get home each evening, I'm done. I've used all the tricks I've had up my sleeve to push through whatever the day brings.
The ebbs and flows of "life" keep things interesting. Pushing through challenges both exhaust and energize me. I just read a quote this morning that resonated within me:
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm not a big fan of change. But it keeps happening anyway. The secret is to maintain some balance within those times of flux.
There is a delicate balancing act required between work, play, self preservation, relationships, give/take, yin/yang and an infinite number of components one fits into a lifetime.
I'm at a rather enjoyable stage where I'm ready to fit "people" back into my days. It is not as easy as it sounds. At least not for me ...
I'm a morning person. By the time I get home each evening, I'm done. I've used all the tricks I've had up my sleeve to push through whatever the day brings.
The ebbs and flows of "life" keep things interesting. Pushing through challenges both exhaust and energize me. I just read a quote this morning that resonated within me:
"I've never met a strong person with an easy past." ~ Atticus
Let me just say that I've had a week that has made me a stronger (and hopefully a little wiser) person. It was the kind of week where I should have worked five days but in my hope to add a little balance back into my work-oriented world, I made plans with a friend today.
Today is a bonus day. I should be working. But since I'm not, I felt it was important to do something I never feel like I have the time to do. Friendship. It is an important component to the balance I'm seeking.
I am so blessed with the relationships I have within my friends, family and work world. They sustain me. Many these relationships are maintained through long distance means of communicating. Telephone, emails and texts keep me connected to those who are important to me in a manner in which I CAN sustain. It is the local variety of friendships which are suffering.
I've come a long way. I no longer crave solitude in the manner and quantity I needed before. But I do still love, love, love the way I feel when I am home. Alone within these walls of ours, reaching out to friends and family in a manner which I can do from the comfort of home, in my pajamas and "just the way I am".
I'm working to add a dimension to a balance which is working for me. Adding "socializing outside of my home" to this equation is hard. Thus, I created an opening for it during my regularly scheduled work week. And I feel just a tad guilty about that ...
Balance. It is a tricky concept. It is ever changing and evolving. But creating that balance that works for you within the here and now is life affirming.
The need for this balance is most likely why I am still very stingy with my time outside of my work week. I'm doing well. I have been inviting people into our home on a regular basis since our renovation. It is a way to merge all that is important to me and keeps me feeling in balance.
I am visualizing weigh scales in my mind as I write these words. Add a little too much on one side or the other and the balance is out of whack. I have been weighing heavy on the side of solitude for a long time. This was offset by the weight of the world on the other side of the scale.
The world is feeling a little lighter now. I'm ready to add a dose of socializing to my side of the scale. It's just a matter of how to fit this into what is already feeling pretty balanced and serene.
I will just keep inviting people into our home. That's all there is to it.
Thursday, January 31, 2019
Chaos
Last night, we came home to a note from our reno-guy: "Sorry for the mess! Things are everywhere ..." I looked up and around the kitchen and thought wondered what mess he was talking about. Everything looked much the same as when we left in the morning, minus the aroma of paint greeting us as we walked in the door.
I was so excited to see he had started painting our cupboards, I failed to notice the cupboards were empty. Not only had he painted all the framework of the cupboards and removed the doors, but he had also painted the inside.
How could I not notice the empty cupboards?!
Thus, when my son walked into the living room and uttered a low "Whoa!", I was shocked and surprised to find the contents of our upper cupboards placed carefully onto the empty flat surfaces I had created in preparation for moving-the-upstairs-into-the-basement. "Whoa!"
My carefully controlled and organized state of disarray (aka: sanity) has been tampered with.
We proceeded to empty the bottom cupboards and drawers into a spare room to create even more disorganization. But the knowledge that this will soon be followed by moving everything back into its place and the kitchen will be in order and full working condition before painting begins helped me through the moment.
The sad part is, that EVERY part of my life feels a little bit how our home looks at the moment.
At work, we are dealing with year end, month end, T4's, Revenue Canada deadlines, payroll and all the day to day stuff that crops up (and there is a lot of that). Then there are "mistakes of my past" which have been catching up with me over the past few weeks. My confidence level is very low at this time of great demands.
At home, I have three little (aka: BIG) projects I need to start &/or finish for other people. These boxes/file folders are presently sitting in three piles on the desk in the spare room, which is also presently holding the contents of our bottom cupboards.
I didn't realize our reno-guy was going to paint the inside of our cupboards (but oh, so grateful that he is), so I wasn't mentally prepared for the purging of said cupboards. Everything is covered with a layer of reno-dust and there is stuff I NEVER use in those cupboards. So it will be quite a little project to undertake as I reload the freshly painted brand new/used cupboards.
Then there is life, itself. I have taken on living my life in every sense of the word. I have added "people" back into the mix at the same time as all of the above.
Thus, when this appeared on my Facebook feed this morning I knew this message was meant for me:
This is quite a ride, Universe. I appreciate you feel I am up to the task. Though sometimes? I think the Universe is just sitting back and laughing at me...
I was so excited to see he had started painting our cupboards, I failed to notice the cupboards were empty. Not only had he painted all the framework of the cupboards and removed the doors, but he had also painted the inside.
How could I not notice the empty cupboards?!
Thus, when my son walked into the living room and uttered a low "Whoa!", I was shocked and surprised to find the contents of our upper cupboards placed carefully onto the empty flat surfaces I had created in preparation for moving-the-upstairs-into-the-basement. "Whoa!"
My carefully controlled and organized state of disarray (aka: sanity) has been tampered with.
We proceeded to empty the bottom cupboards and drawers into a spare room to create even more disorganization. But the knowledge that this will soon be followed by moving everything back into its place and the kitchen will be in order and full working condition before painting begins helped me through the moment.
The sad part is, that EVERY part of my life feels a little bit how our home looks at the moment.
At work, we are dealing with year end, month end, T4's, Revenue Canada deadlines, payroll and all the day to day stuff that crops up (and there is a lot of that). Then there are "mistakes of my past" which have been catching up with me over the past few weeks. My confidence level is very low at this time of great demands.
At home, I have three little (aka: BIG) projects I need to start &/or finish for other people. These boxes/file folders are presently sitting in three piles on the desk in the spare room, which is also presently holding the contents of our bottom cupboards.
I didn't realize our reno-guy was going to paint the inside of our cupboards (but oh, so grateful that he is), so I wasn't mentally prepared for the purging of said cupboards. Everything is covered with a layer of reno-dust and there is stuff I NEVER use in those cupboards. So it will be quite a little project to undertake as I reload the freshly painted brand new/used cupboards.
Then there is life, itself. I have taken on living my life in every sense of the word. I have added "people" back into the mix at the same time as all of the above.
Thus, when this appeared on my Facebook feed this morning I knew this message was meant for me:
Photo credit goes to Souls in Transition
This is quite a ride, Universe. I appreciate you feel I am up to the task. Though sometimes? I think the Universe is just sitting back and laughing at me...
Friday, January 11, 2019
What is Next?
As I look back at "life", I can see how one life event prepared me for what happened next. I have learned the lessons I have needed to know in order to take the next forward step. Life has been very kind that way. It has taught me everything I have needed to know.
Our Senior Cat's illness and eventual death taught me how to advocate, show up and just enjoy the moments we had, while we had them. We didn't know what was around the next corner but we learned to savor the good stuff.
I was as mentally prepared for his death as one could possibly be. My head knew. But my heart hadn't caught up. The days preceding and following the day Andre took his last breath were heart breaking.
I learned that it was an honor to be with him when he died. He was not alone. It was sad but the consolation was knowing HE knew he was not alone.
I learned everything I needed to know to walk a very parallel path with Mom. She was not alone when she took her last breath. Who was with her wasn't as important as knowing SOMEONE was with her. I truly believe she knew she was not alone.
What was life preparing me for?
The irony does not escape me that both of the men I have had long and lasting relationships with, are struggling with their own health issues.
My (ex)husband has his parents and family to walk this walk with him. Though his future is bleak, he is not alone. For this, I am grateful.
It is my youngest son's father who is a concern. He is very much alone. He lives alone. Though two of his children live close by, he leads a rather isolated life. He is not well and seems to be getting progressively worse.
He has asked for my help.
I loved this man. I have respected this man. He is the father of my child. He is a good man. And he is alone.
I know the rule that has guided me through my life since Dad was hospitalized will prevail. A counsellor suggested I guide my actions by asking myself the question: "What can you live with after he is gone?"
What is next? I don't know. One step in front of another. What can I live with? The next right thing. Show up. That is all I know ...
Our Senior Cat's illness and eventual death taught me how to advocate, show up and just enjoy the moments we had, while we had them. We didn't know what was around the next corner but we learned to savor the good stuff.
I was as mentally prepared for his death as one could possibly be. My head knew. But my heart hadn't caught up. The days preceding and following the day Andre took his last breath were heart breaking.
I learned that it was an honor to be with him when he died. He was not alone. It was sad but the consolation was knowing HE knew he was not alone.
I learned everything I needed to know to walk a very parallel path with Mom. She was not alone when she took her last breath. Who was with her wasn't as important as knowing SOMEONE was with her. I truly believe she knew she was not alone.
What was life preparing me for?
The irony does not escape me that both of the men I have had long and lasting relationships with, are struggling with their own health issues.
My (ex)husband has his parents and family to walk this walk with him. Though his future is bleak, he is not alone. For this, I am grateful.
It is my youngest son's father who is a concern. He is very much alone. He lives alone. Though two of his children live close by, he leads a rather isolated life. He is not well and seems to be getting progressively worse.
He has asked for my help.
I loved this man. I have respected this man. He is the father of my child. He is a good man. And he is alone.
I know the rule that has guided me through my life since Dad was hospitalized will prevail. A counsellor suggested I guide my actions by asking myself the question: "What can you live with after he is gone?"
What is next? I don't know. One step in front of another. What can I live with? The next right thing. Show up. That is all I know ...
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Change is in the Air
I woke up at 4:30 this morning. I was wide eyed, ready to hop out of bed and start my day. I smiled to myself when I realized the cats hadn't had time to rush back onto their spots on my bed to give me the illusion that they had been sleeping soundly with me all night. Yes, they were still prowling and doing heaven only knows what. It sounded like they were working on pulling up some carpeting upstairs. They were doing their cat things and I was alone and awake. It was a glorious 4.79434 seconds.
Cats have an innate sense of knowing when there is a fly or a spider or a human stirring within a 10 ft radius. Yesterday they tracked down a spider and a maple bug (?) and saved the day. This morning, they both raced down the stairs to ensure they didn't miss our making-the-bed-with-a-cat-on-it morning tradition we have.
It is light, fun and easy to wake up when you wake with a smile. It is the littlest things that bring light into my days. I must remember that. There for a very long while, I was looking for the big stuff, but the truest of joy comes from the smallest of things.
I wandered through my morning revelling in the fact that I had three full hours before my day walked in the door. My day. My second last day of an almost full daycare load. This time last week, I was pulling my hair out. Heavens, this time yesterday morning I was feeling great angst about the three days left in my daycare reign. Then we had "yesterday". And I find myself wishing I could find a way to keep doing what I am doing.
I purged my frustrations right here on this very blog platform. As it so very often happens, when I allow my fingers to tell my story there is a release that is life affirming. When I see my words written out before me, I find affirmation, patterns and possible solutions. There is so much power gained by setting the words that are haunting me free. Words are dangerous things when confined to my brain, within my small, isolated universe. The truth shall set you free ...
I woke up with thoughts of relationships of the courting kind. Those of us who have them. Those of us who don't. I'm sitting on the side of "I don't have that in my life but I think I want to explore it", so my awareness is being drawn to those who seem to be of a similar circumstance or age and drawing new love into their lives. I look at those people like an outsider and wonder "What do they have that I don't? What are they doing that I am not? What do they have that attracts love, romance and partnership into their world?"
In the quietness of my morning, as I made my bed around our cats, the answer came to me. They have a willingness to do the work which is required to make a relationship not only come to life, but to keep resuscitating it time and time again. Relationships are a full on commitment. I know without a doubt that I am kind of lazy that way. Or at least I have been for the last very long while.
I have been on my own for over nine years now. Nine. Nine has been a number which shows up a lot in the cycles within my life. It has been nine years. It is no wonder I am feeling restless and starting to wonder again.
I spent the initial part of my mourning period regrouping. I did it in a rather productive fashion that I wouldn't mind recreating one day. I fixed up the house, the yard and myself in the process. There is much to be gained by painting a fence that doesn't end. I still remember what part of the process I was living as I glance at different sections of our fence. It was a lot of work. Finding "me" after I had started identifying myself as part of a couple was life affirming. I survived. Again.
Then I found my friends again. I reached out and became available as a friend. It started with me feeling the need to be surrounded by friendship. Then as I told my story, others started telling me theirs. It was groundbreaking work. There was a strong foundation being rebuilt. Strength in numbers. We are not alone.
I found myself searching for my roots. I collected family memories, organized them and put together a few family history/memory books. I started reconnecting to family and discovering myself in January of 2008. I amassed and bound my last set of family memories into a book by October of 2014. I spent over six years immersed in the process of feeling like I belong to this thing I call family. My root system is strong, stable and I believe I can now weather any storm.
I feel like I've been wandering aimlessly over the course of the past few years. The honeymoon period of finishing my last book project lasted well into the following year. That was followed by a crash of a subtle and not so subtle kind. I was exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
Then came the identity crisis. If I was not part of a couple or a survivor of a broken heart or the collector of family members or the mother of dependent children or good at the job I was doing ... who WAS I??
Life happened and placed me right back into the heart of my family and family home over my summer holidays. I wasn't standing on firm ground before I found myself there but once I was in the thick of family, I became strong again. I knew what I could do and I did it. I found a vital piece of myself within a crisis of minor proportions. I was finding strength within my weakness. I was still a little broken and fractured but I had my root system. I was still standing and I had weathered a long lasting winter.
I didn't know where I was going (I still don't) but my strength is within my roots and my future will come from allowing spring to come into my life.
This must be where this feeling of adding "new life" into my world is coming from. After my last long term relationship ended, I felt so broken I wanted to leap right back into love and heal my heart that way. The longing was real. I was so lonely. I'm glad I took the long road back into finding my way back "home". I am longing for a deepness within my world these days. It very well may not be within the confines of a relationship. I believe it will come from the deepness in my soul, when I become still and quiet and content in the life I am living.
I feel it coming. I don't know what it is. But change is in the air.
Cats have an innate sense of knowing when there is a fly or a spider or a human stirring within a 10 ft radius. Yesterday they tracked down a spider and a maple bug (?) and saved the day. This morning, they both raced down the stairs to ensure they didn't miss our making-the-bed-with-a-cat-on-it morning tradition we have.
It is light, fun and easy to wake up when you wake with a smile. It is the littlest things that bring light into my days. I must remember that. There for a very long while, I was looking for the big stuff, but the truest of joy comes from the smallest of things.
I wandered through my morning revelling in the fact that I had three full hours before my day walked in the door. My day. My second last day of an almost full daycare load. This time last week, I was pulling my hair out. Heavens, this time yesterday morning I was feeling great angst about the three days left in my daycare reign. Then we had "yesterday". And I find myself wishing I could find a way to keep doing what I am doing.
I purged my frustrations right here on this very blog platform. As it so very often happens, when I allow my fingers to tell my story there is a release that is life affirming. When I see my words written out before me, I find affirmation, patterns and possible solutions. There is so much power gained by setting the words that are haunting me free. Words are dangerous things when confined to my brain, within my small, isolated universe. The truth shall set you free ...
I woke up with thoughts of relationships of the courting kind. Those of us who have them. Those of us who don't. I'm sitting on the side of "I don't have that in my life but I think I want to explore it", so my awareness is being drawn to those who seem to be of a similar circumstance or age and drawing new love into their lives. I look at those people like an outsider and wonder "What do they have that I don't? What are they doing that I am not? What do they have that attracts love, romance and partnership into their world?"
In the quietness of my morning, as I made my bed around our cats, the answer came to me. They have a willingness to do the work which is required to make a relationship not only come to life, but to keep resuscitating it time and time again. Relationships are a full on commitment. I know without a doubt that I am kind of lazy that way. Or at least I have been for the last very long while.
I have been on my own for over nine years now. Nine. Nine has been a number which shows up a lot in the cycles within my life. It has been nine years. It is no wonder I am feeling restless and starting to wonder again.
I spent the initial part of my mourning period regrouping. I did it in a rather productive fashion that I wouldn't mind recreating one day. I fixed up the house, the yard and myself in the process. There is much to be gained by painting a fence that doesn't end. I still remember what part of the process I was living as I glance at different sections of our fence. It was a lot of work. Finding "me" after I had started identifying myself as part of a couple was life affirming. I survived. Again.
Then I found my friends again. I reached out and became available as a friend. It started with me feeling the need to be surrounded by friendship. Then as I told my story, others started telling me theirs. It was groundbreaking work. There was a strong foundation being rebuilt. Strength in numbers. We are not alone.
I found myself searching for my roots. I collected family memories, organized them and put together a few family history/memory books. I started reconnecting to family and discovering myself in January of 2008. I amassed and bound my last set of family memories into a book by October of 2014. I spent over six years immersed in the process of feeling like I belong to this thing I call family. My root system is strong, stable and I believe I can now weather any storm.
I feel like I've been wandering aimlessly over the course of the past few years. The honeymoon period of finishing my last book project lasted well into the following year. That was followed by a crash of a subtle and not so subtle kind. I was exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
Then came the identity crisis. If I was not part of a couple or a survivor of a broken heart or the collector of family members or the mother of dependent children or good at the job I was doing ... who WAS I??
Life happened and placed me right back into the heart of my family and family home over my summer holidays. I wasn't standing on firm ground before I found myself there but once I was in the thick of family, I became strong again. I knew what I could do and I did it. I found a vital piece of myself within a crisis of minor proportions. I was finding strength within my weakness. I was still a little broken and fractured but I had my root system. I was still standing and I had weathered a long lasting winter.
I didn't know where I was going (I still don't) but my strength is within my roots and my future will come from allowing spring to come into my life.
This must be where this feeling of adding "new life" into my world is coming from. After my last long term relationship ended, I felt so broken I wanted to leap right back into love and heal my heart that way. The longing was real. I was so lonely. I'm glad I took the long road back into finding my way back "home". I am longing for a deepness within my world these days. It very well may not be within the confines of a relationship. I believe it will come from the deepness in my soul, when I become still and quiet and content in the life I am living.
I feel it coming. I don't know what it is. But change is in the air.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
How Do You Walk Away?
The pit in my stomach, the heaviness in my heart and the anxiety as I felt as the weekend was looming has returned.
I have to go to work today.
I savored every moment of each of the past three weekends which I have had off. I had time to run errands. I had time to accomplish small things. I even had time to run in circles. I had time to breathe.
I know "this" is the job I most need to relinquish. But I also know this is the job I just can't quit.
My boss has told me time and time again that she couldn't continue doing what she is doing if I wasn't working with her.
The last time we worked together she had just returned from her eye specialist. She walked in the door and the first words that fell off her tongue were, "I am going blind. That's what my doctor just told me ..."
She has macular degeneration. She is an accountant. She lives, breathes and works with numbers all day. Numbers are to her, what words are to me. She needs her eyes.
She stays up all hours of the night working out mathematical mysteries, balancing the books and working on various financial projects she always seems to have on the go.
Numbers are her therapy.
The kinship I have found within this friend who I work for stems from many things. We have walked a parallel path.
Her husband had a massive heart attack and survived three years after the fact. He never came back to live at home again. Though he died five years ago, I can feel how much she misses him still.
Her two sons have characteristics which mirror (in many ways) my two oldest sons. There have been some storms they weathered which I could relate to on so very many levels.
I could relate oh-so-well to the years she spent in that land of limbo. So much of what Mom talked of, during the time when Dad was hospitalized, came back to me as my friend walked such a similar walk.
There are some feelings which feel so similar to how I felt in among my ex-husband's family. The family dynamics. Some of the family's challenges. The way she speaks also reminds me of my mother-in-law. Her oldest son has some of the characteristics of my ex-husband.
I relate as a friend, a daughter, a mother and even as daughter-in-law at different times, in different ways.
Our paths were destined to cross. The challenges we have faced within our lives are so parallel.
She once told me that she could talk to me because she knew I would understand. Because she knew I had once walked down a similar road.
She has told me how she looks forward to our work-days together. We work 98 to 99% of the time but we take little station breaks now and again and chat. She tells me stories of her life and reminisces with ease. She will talk of recent events and how they have affected her. She talks to me as a friend, as a mother, as a mother-in-law and as a parent.
She once told me she feels such comfort in knowing I am coming out for the day. I thoroughly enjoy our days once I get there. It is simply the discomfort of leaving my home and knowing the day is all about work, with a side order of friendship tossed in for good measure.
It is the side order of friendship that keeps me coming back for more.
She keeps telling me she wants me to earn more of a wage from her. I tell her the money is the last thing in the world I am worried about. I'm not in this for the money. I can say that without a word of a lie.
She has groomed me to do more than run a daycare. She is my mom's salvation because Mom thinks I should be doing more than running a daycare. But these things called "numbers" are like ice in my heart.
I don't want to work in a black and white world. I like the fuzzy, gooeyness of words, relationships and kindness. As much as my little people challenge me at times, they entertain and amuse me. They keep things "real" for me. They keep me at the top of my game. And I get to nurture them from the comfort of my home.
The accounting/banking part of me has taken a back seat in my life. I believe I have packed it in the emergency bag within the trunk of my car.
Like that spare tire and booster cables, I can do the accounting and numbers in whatever way is necessary. I just don't want it to ride along side me in the passenger seat of my car.
This car is headed in the right direction. I'm glad I have my back-up talents and supplies that I can bring out as necessary. But I don't want to get stuck with those tools on a full-time basis.
Saturdays are hard. They are like changing a tire. I can do them as necessary but I would just as soon call on a professional to do the job for me.
Yet at the end of the day, I am grateful I went. It is always a satisfying day. I feel appreciated and the warmth of our friendship is always sends me on my way feeling better than I did when I woke up in the morning.
How does one "quit" this? One doesn't.
And that is why so many people out there are doing things that they simply can't walk away from even though it is not fulfilling the part of their soul that needs filling. There are a million and one reasons we do what we do.
I am grateful this is only one small part of my life. I am even more grateful that I am compelled to do this out of friendship and it isn't the almighty dollar which is controlling me.
I would walk away from this pay cheque without a second thought. But I won't walk away from a friend. There is no amount of money that can compensate us for some of what we do.
I have to go to work today.
I savored every moment of each of the past three weekends which I have had off. I had time to run errands. I had time to accomplish small things. I even had time to run in circles. I had time to breathe.
I know "this" is the job I most need to relinquish. But I also know this is the job I just can't quit.
My boss has told me time and time again that she couldn't continue doing what she is doing if I wasn't working with her.
The last time we worked together she had just returned from her eye specialist. She walked in the door and the first words that fell off her tongue were, "I am going blind. That's what my doctor just told me ..."
She has macular degeneration. She is an accountant. She lives, breathes and works with numbers all day. Numbers are to her, what words are to me. She needs her eyes.
She stays up all hours of the night working out mathematical mysteries, balancing the books and working on various financial projects she always seems to have on the go.
Numbers are her therapy.
The kinship I have found within this friend who I work for stems from many things. We have walked a parallel path.
Her husband had a massive heart attack and survived three years after the fact. He never came back to live at home again. Though he died five years ago, I can feel how much she misses him still.
Her two sons have characteristics which mirror (in many ways) my two oldest sons. There have been some storms they weathered which I could relate to on so very many levels.
I could relate oh-so-well to the years she spent in that land of limbo. So much of what Mom talked of, during the time when Dad was hospitalized, came back to me as my friend walked such a similar walk.
There are some feelings which feel so similar to how I felt in among my ex-husband's family. The family dynamics. Some of the family's challenges. The way she speaks also reminds me of my mother-in-law. Her oldest son has some of the characteristics of my ex-husband.
I relate as a friend, a daughter, a mother and even as daughter-in-law at different times, in different ways.
Our paths were destined to cross. The challenges we have faced within our lives are so parallel.
She once told me that she could talk to me because she knew I would understand. Because she knew I had once walked down a similar road.
She has told me how she looks forward to our work-days together. We work 98 to 99% of the time but we take little station breaks now and again and chat. She tells me stories of her life and reminisces with ease. She will talk of recent events and how they have affected her. She talks to me as a friend, as a mother, as a mother-in-law and as a parent.
She once told me she feels such comfort in knowing I am coming out for the day. I thoroughly enjoy our days once I get there. It is simply the discomfort of leaving my home and knowing the day is all about work, with a side order of friendship tossed in for good measure.
It is the side order of friendship that keeps me coming back for more.
She keeps telling me she wants me to earn more of a wage from her. I tell her the money is the last thing in the world I am worried about. I'm not in this for the money. I can say that without a word of a lie.
She has groomed me to do more than run a daycare. She is my mom's salvation because Mom thinks I should be doing more than running a daycare. But these things called "numbers" are like ice in my heart.
I don't want to work in a black and white world. I like the fuzzy, gooeyness of words, relationships and kindness. As much as my little people challenge me at times, they entertain and amuse me. They keep things "real" for me. They keep me at the top of my game. And I get to nurture them from the comfort of my home.
The accounting/banking part of me has taken a back seat in my life. I believe I have packed it in the emergency bag within the trunk of my car.
Like that spare tire and booster cables, I can do the accounting and numbers in whatever way is necessary. I just don't want it to ride along side me in the passenger seat of my car.
This car is headed in the right direction. I'm glad I have my back-up talents and supplies that I can bring out as necessary. But I don't want to get stuck with those tools on a full-time basis.
Saturdays are hard. They are like changing a tire. I can do them as necessary but I would just as soon call on a professional to do the job for me.
Yet at the end of the day, I am grateful I went. It is always a satisfying day. I feel appreciated and the warmth of our friendship is always sends me on my way feeling better than I did when I woke up in the morning.
How does one "quit" this? One doesn't.
And that is why so many people out there are doing things that they simply can't walk away from even though it is not fulfilling the part of their soul that needs filling. There are a million and one reasons we do what we do.
I am grateful this is only one small part of my life. I am even more grateful that I am compelled to do this out of friendship and it isn't the almighty dollar which is controlling me.
I would walk away from this pay cheque without a second thought. But I won't walk away from a friend. There is no amount of money that can compensate us for some of what we do.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Daring to Dream Again
"So, what are your plans for the rest of the evening?" the nurse at the blood donor clinic asked me as I was going through the steps which proceeded my blood donation that evening.
"I am going home to be interviewed by my son. He is working on a school project and part of his assignment is to interview a parent about 'relationships'". I added, "I asked my son if I was qualified for the job because I am obviously not successful on maintaining one!"
"You aren't married? I assumed you were because of your ring."
"Oh, that's my mom's wedding band. It's the only finger it fits and I don't want t take a chance of misplacing it. So until I figure out whether I should have it soldered together with her engagement ring, this is where it is safest."
"Oh, I suppose that's okay if you aren't looking for someone."
Really? Could it be that simple? 'Love' wasn't finding its way back into my world because of a simple band of gold on my ring finger?
I thought it was the impenetrable walls I have erected around myself and only coming out of my fortress of solitude when absolutely necessary and by not making eye contact with anyone of the opposite sex and my solemn vow to myself that I did not have time for such nonsense while I was working on my dad's book project.
Hmm...
I got home and tried to see if Mom's ring would fit on any other finger. Nope. I gazed at it and wondered "Where do you belong?" and I put it back on my ring finger. I feel 'married' to my family in every way. So I suppose that is my answer.
Then I started to wonder about the whole idea of 'meeting someone' again.
Yesterday morning, I awoke from a dream where I had an admirer.
We laughed together and respected each other. There was a faint twinkle in his eye (remember, this is all a dream) and my heart smiled.
In my dream sequence, this admirer slipped a card under my door. Simply signed with his name.
Then, upon further examination, it wasn't just a card. It had several pages. It was his 'bucket list' and beside the odd item he made a notation of the items he had already checked off. Then there were a few items where he had written "Something I'd like to do with you..." (or some such sentiment - it was yesterday's dream and has lost its vivid quality this morning).
I awoke with a light and happy heart.
Yes. That is exactly how it would and should happen. Someone I've known forever finally sees a crack in my armor and speaks to me in a language I know well.
That twinkle in the eye. Shared laughter. Shared dreams. And the simplicity of spelling it out for me in a simple yet perfect card (yes, my dreams are totally G-rated).
The G-rating is exactly where I am comfortable. Anything beyond that rating has me running for cover and battening down the hatches within this fortress of solitude I have created. It is beautiful in here.
I feel my armor cracking and I see a little bit of space in my life.
Soon after I wrapped up the 'book project', I remembered the quiet resolve I made to myself. "No relationship until this is done!"
Would life interject someone new (or old and familiar) into my world because there was now an available space and energy for such a diversion?
I trembled in fear at the idea.
Yet ... if 'Gary' (yes, the ficticious-man-of-my-dream came with a name and he spelled it with one "r") was to look into my eyes and drop me a line, would I run for cover? Or would I take a chance again?
I wonder if I will ever find out.
I thought I was too old to think of such things. It is nice to feel light and young-at-heart once again. It feels a little bit exhilarating to be open to whatever may come my way.
I'm not removing Mom's ring though. I am not that brave.
"I am going home to be interviewed by my son. He is working on a school project and part of his assignment is to interview a parent about 'relationships'". I added, "I asked my son if I was qualified for the job because I am obviously not successful on maintaining one!"
"You aren't married? I assumed you were because of your ring."
"Oh, that's my mom's wedding band. It's the only finger it fits and I don't want t take a chance of misplacing it. So until I figure out whether I should have it soldered together with her engagement ring, this is where it is safest."
"Oh, I suppose that's okay if you aren't looking for someone."
Really? Could it be that simple? 'Love' wasn't finding its way back into my world because of a simple band of gold on my ring finger?
I thought it was the impenetrable walls I have erected around myself and only coming out of my fortress of solitude when absolutely necessary and by not making eye contact with anyone of the opposite sex and my solemn vow to myself that I did not have time for such nonsense while I was working on my dad's book project.
Hmm...
I got home and tried to see if Mom's ring would fit on any other finger. Nope. I gazed at it and wondered "Where do you belong?" and I put it back on my ring finger. I feel 'married' to my family in every way. So I suppose that is my answer.
Then I started to wonder about the whole idea of 'meeting someone' again.
Yesterday morning, I awoke from a dream where I had an admirer.
We laughed together and respected each other. There was a faint twinkle in his eye (remember, this is all a dream) and my heart smiled.
In my dream sequence, this admirer slipped a card under my door. Simply signed with his name.
Then, upon further examination, it wasn't just a card. It had several pages. It was his 'bucket list' and beside the odd item he made a notation of the items he had already checked off. Then there were a few items where he had written "Something I'd like to do with you..." (or some such sentiment - it was yesterday's dream and has lost its vivid quality this morning).
I awoke with a light and happy heart.
Yes. That is exactly how it would and should happen. Someone I've known forever finally sees a crack in my armor and speaks to me in a language I know well.
That twinkle in the eye. Shared laughter. Shared dreams. And the simplicity of spelling it out for me in a simple yet perfect card (yes, my dreams are totally G-rated).
The G-rating is exactly where I am comfortable. Anything beyond that rating has me running for cover and battening down the hatches within this fortress of solitude I have created. It is beautiful in here.
I feel my armor cracking and I see a little bit of space in my life.
Soon after I wrapped up the 'book project', I remembered the quiet resolve I made to myself. "No relationship until this is done!"
Would life interject someone new (or old and familiar) into my world because there was now an available space and energy for such a diversion?
I trembled in fear at the idea.
Yet ... if 'Gary' (yes, the ficticious-man-of-my-dream came with a name and he spelled it with one "r") was to look into my eyes and drop me a line, would I run for cover? Or would I take a chance again?
I wonder if I will ever find out.
I thought I was too old to think of such things. It is nice to feel light and young-at-heart once again. It feels a little bit exhilarating to be open to whatever may come my way.
I'm not removing Mom's ring though. I am not that brave.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Life is Like an Echo
Now that I've come out from under the rock that was sheltering me, while I was immersed in our family's book-of-memories, I am talking with friends again. At every turn, I am hearing of the lack of harmony within families. I listen to what I am being told and my head is trying so very hard to understand. But my heart just doesn't get it.
I live in a bubble wrapped world.
My children and I like each other. We have relationships within our family that are unique to each of our personalities and how they intertwine with the other. We have had some rocky roads. We have also faced a few adversities as a family unit. I say with an infinite amount of gratitude, that 'what didn't kill us made us stronger'. Coming out the other side of a family crisis, as a unit and a feeling of 'we have each other's back' has made us stronger instead of weaker.
I can take that a step further and talk about my relationships with my mom and siblings. What we have is special and unique. There is family unity, despite the miles, despite the age differences, despite our differing family dynamics. We band together in times of trouble, we cheer each other on from afar when life is good, we are simply 'present and accounted for' in so very many ways. We live five independent lives, but we are connected by an invisible elastic band which stretches and shrinks dependent on what is going on in our lives.
Take another few giant steps and I have my mom's family and my dad's family.
I have stepped out of my quiet, insecure self and stepped into my family. Collecting memories is a most excellent way of getting to know someone. I can remember being in awe of finally feeling like I knew my mom's siblings. I am still in awe of knowing my dad's family. And the gift of all gifts are the cousins I am getting to know, thanks to this life of living-outside-of-myself.
I have extended my arms wide open and enveloped my entire family within my grasp. Some are at my fingertips (but with fingers, come a hand); others are at arm's length (but with arms, come a deeper hold); others are very close to my heart (the distance between two hearts is invisible at times) ...
There is something incredibly sacred about this family connection. I know it is precious. I understand that most people don't have this. I don't know how to spread this around ...
... except to suggest "Perpetuate the good".
In all of my memory collecting, family bonding and close relationships there is so very much focus on what is good and what works for us.
Life is like an echo. "Life will give you back everything you have given to it."
I live in a bubble wrapped world.
My children and I like each other. We have relationships within our family that are unique to each of our personalities and how they intertwine with the other. We have had some rocky roads. We have also faced a few adversities as a family unit. I say with an infinite amount of gratitude, that 'what didn't kill us made us stronger'. Coming out the other side of a family crisis, as a unit and a feeling of 'we have each other's back' has made us stronger instead of weaker.
I can take that a step further and talk about my relationships with my mom and siblings. What we have is special and unique. There is family unity, despite the miles, despite the age differences, despite our differing family dynamics. We band together in times of trouble, we cheer each other on from afar when life is good, we are simply 'present and accounted for' in so very many ways. We live five independent lives, but we are connected by an invisible elastic band which stretches and shrinks dependent on what is going on in our lives.
Take another few giant steps and I have my mom's family and my dad's family.
I have stepped out of my quiet, insecure self and stepped into my family. Collecting memories is a most excellent way of getting to know someone. I can remember being in awe of finally feeling like I knew my mom's siblings. I am still in awe of knowing my dad's family. And the gift of all gifts are the cousins I am getting to know, thanks to this life of living-outside-of-myself.
I have extended my arms wide open and enveloped my entire family within my grasp. Some are at my fingertips (but with fingers, come a hand); others are at arm's length (but with arms, come a deeper hold); others are very close to my heart (the distance between two hearts is invisible at times) ...
There is something incredibly sacred about this family connection. I know it is precious. I understand that most people don't have this. I don't know how to spread this around ...
... except to suggest "Perpetuate the good".
In all of my memory collecting, family bonding and close relationships there is so very much focus on what is good and what works for us.
Life is like an echo. "Life will give you back everything you have given to it."
Monday, February 3, 2014
Thinking Out Loud
I didn't realize it at the time, but I could have been sitting down and having a conversation with my brother yesterday when I wrote down my thoughts-of-the-day-I-just-spent at the day's end.
I was fortunate enough to hear his end of the conversation via an email that he sent to me before he read those words. We could have been sitting down at the kitchen table talking to each other. Our thoughts were so closely correlated.
Each and every time someone comments that they have connected to something that I have written brings me back 'here' - writing my nonsense, heavy thoughts, frivolous thoughts and everything in between.
Perhaps I write too much. I lay my thoughts out on the ground and they could so very easily be stomped on, criticized, ignored or ridiculed. I don't doubt that happens. It is just that I live in a very small, secluded and protected island where I am surrounded with kind people. So I just keep writing.
Just when I think that I've written enough about our cats, someone will tell me how much they enjoy those cat-tales. Just when I think I've said too much and revealed something that I should have kept to myself, someone will tell me that was exactly what they needed to read that day. I can almost hear my sister laughing when I bare my soul about the inevitable phases of aging and 'beauty' gone awry. Even when I write of the nothingness-that-is-my-life and turn a kitchen table into a story, and someone (my mom) may comment on that.
So I keep showing up.
I am blessed with incredible friendships within my world. Many of those friends stop by and read my blogs. I cannot tell you the number of times I have found myself in the middle of a conversation where I feel that someone has read my mind. Then I recognize my own words within their vocabulary and I realize that they haven't read my mind. They have read my writing.
Each of us has our own burden to bear. The load becomes heaviest when we try to carry it on our own. I found out a very long time ago, that by opening up and talking about hard things ... the load is lessened.
Sometimes the excess thoughts pile up and simply releasing the words (and emotion behind them) lightens the load. Sometimes that is all that is required.
Other times, you hear your own answers when you spill the words that are piling up inside. Or you may hear your own answer come back to you in another person's voice. You may simply need permission to feel what you are feeling so that you can take the next forward step.
When you open yourself up to the world, you become vulnerable. I believe that (most) people respect that vulnerability because they recognize themselves within that, which you have just bared.
Thinking out loud has opened many doors for me. Friendships have become 'real' faster by revealing my true self. Answers have come easier by spilling the emotions behind my thoughts and leaving the words behind.
Give yourself permission to think out loud. Don't think of it as complaining or whining. Think of it as 'problem resolution' and 'relationship building'.
Say the words. Your answers will come. Eventually...
I was fortunate enough to hear his end of the conversation via an email that he sent to me before he read those words. We could have been sitting down at the kitchen table talking to each other. Our thoughts were so closely correlated.
Each and every time someone comments that they have connected to something that I have written brings me back 'here' - writing my nonsense, heavy thoughts, frivolous thoughts and everything in between.
Perhaps I write too much. I lay my thoughts out on the ground and they could so very easily be stomped on, criticized, ignored or ridiculed. I don't doubt that happens. It is just that I live in a very small, secluded and protected island where I am surrounded with kind people. So I just keep writing.
Just when I think that I've written enough about our cats, someone will tell me how much they enjoy those cat-tales. Just when I think I've said too much and revealed something that I should have kept to myself, someone will tell me that was exactly what they needed to read that day. I can almost hear my sister laughing when I bare my soul about the inevitable phases of aging and 'beauty' gone awry. Even when I write of the nothingness-that-is-my-life and turn a kitchen table into a story, and someone (my mom) may comment on that.
So I keep showing up.
I am blessed with incredible friendships within my world. Many of those friends stop by and read my blogs. I cannot tell you the number of times I have found myself in the middle of a conversation where I feel that someone has read my mind. Then I recognize my own words within their vocabulary and I realize that they haven't read my mind. They have read my writing.
Each of us has our own burden to bear. The load becomes heaviest when we try to carry it on our own. I found out a very long time ago, that by opening up and talking about hard things ... the load is lessened.
Sometimes the excess thoughts pile up and simply releasing the words (and emotion behind them) lightens the load. Sometimes that is all that is required.
Other times, you hear your own answers when you spill the words that are piling up inside. Or you may hear your own answer come back to you in another person's voice. You may simply need permission to feel what you are feeling so that you can take the next forward step.
When you open yourself up to the world, you become vulnerable. I believe that (most) people respect that vulnerability because they recognize themselves within that, which you have just bared.
Thinking out loud has opened many doors for me. Friendships have become 'real' faster by revealing my true self. Answers have come easier by spilling the emotions behind my thoughts and leaving the words behind.
Give yourself permission to think out loud. Don't think of it as complaining or whining. Think of it as 'problem resolution' and 'relationship building'.
Say the words. Your answers will come. Eventually...
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Ask Me a Question ... I Will Tell You My Truth
After almost a two week absence from daycare and a cryptic text message from a parent last Thursday (advising me that her child would be 'done daycare' in two weeks with no details other than she would explain on Monday), I found out that this child would be leaving my daycare because the mom has been offered a new job and the family will be moving out of the province.
Now ... color me jaded, but I feel that the twelve words that she could have used to explain the reason this child was leaving daycare verses the ten words that she chose to utilize was a manipulative move. I am no fan of texting and I can fully understand abbreviating a message. But this was not necessary, from where I stand.
Withholding information when you are in a relationship which involves trust and honest interaction between adults sets off alarm bells in my mind.
I have had the feeling that I am not good enough or that I haven't met the standards that this parent expected for the better part of our daycare arrangement. I have tried on many occasions to open up the door and allow this parent to talk with me. Each attempt has been met with a raised eyebrow and indifference, leaving me to feel that I am right in my assumption. And now this?
From the moment that I read the text message that upended my world, I knew within my heart of hearts ... that this was a good thing. This parent needed to place her child within an environment where she felt secure and comfortable with her child care provider. I don't think it means that I am any less than I am, nor that the parent had unfounded concerns. We were simply not a good match. It happens. I do a better job when I feel that people trust me. Believe me, this parent left me feeling inadequate and insufficient in so many ways that I feel that I did half the job that I was capable of doing. I can live without that ...
I have been in relationships where information has been held back. When this happens, a person knows and feels this within the very core of their being. You begin to play a game where you attempt to talk your way through the unknowns in an attempt to explain another person's behaviour.
I suppose I do this on so many levels, in so many ways on a day-to-day basis, that it has become second nature to me. I try to understand what our cats are thinking because they cannot communicate verbally. I work with children all day and I am continually deciphering body language and broken English. When my own children 'go quiet', I try to figure out what could be fueling their feelings. Out of respect for their need for space and privacy, I don't want to push conversations that are not yet ready to unfold.
My last relationship ended (in part) because I chose to pursue the answers to the questions he always avoided answering. He never lied to me. He just didn't tell me what he didn't think I was ready (or needed) to hear. It is dishonesty on a whole new level.
I know that friendships and relationships evolve slowly and on a need-to-know-basis. Perhaps I am too much of an open book. I lay myself on the line when nurturing a relationship that invites a certain level of trust and openness to grow. When I feel someone holding back or withholding information, I become less of who I am. And I don't enjoy that sensation. Not one little bit.
On the other hand, I have some good news to offset the unsettled feeling that crept into my world!
I met a new daycare family yesterday. Nothing is official, but our meeting was positive and I was left with the feeling that 'Yes! I am in this business for all the right reasons'. The mom wants to confer with her husband and she promised to get back to me by this afternoon.
Do you know what makes me feel oh-so-good about the entire interview process?? This mom sent me an email last night to let me know why she didn't call me last night and she had one unanswered question. "I was just wondering if he (my 15 year old son) was ever left unsupervised with the children as I wouldn’t be comfortable with this..." A perfectly honest and legitimate question. If she had felt uncomfortable asking me and simply decided not to bring her child here, I would have never known the reason why. Now I do.
This relationship is off to a good start. Asking the hard questions and being open to provide the answers in an open and honest discussion is the basis on which good, solid business arrangements and relationships begin.
Ask me a question ... I will tell you my truth. Just give me the opportunity to answer before you judge me. Is that too much to ask?
Now ... color me jaded, but I feel that the twelve words that she could have used to explain the reason this child was leaving daycare verses the ten words that she chose to utilize was a manipulative move. I am no fan of texting and I can fully understand abbreviating a message. But this was not necessary, from where I stand.
Withholding information when you are in a relationship which involves trust and honest interaction between adults sets off alarm bells in my mind.
I have had the feeling that I am not good enough or that I haven't met the standards that this parent expected for the better part of our daycare arrangement. I have tried on many occasions to open up the door and allow this parent to talk with me. Each attempt has been met with a raised eyebrow and indifference, leaving me to feel that I am right in my assumption. And now this?
From the moment that I read the text message that upended my world, I knew within my heart of hearts ... that this was a good thing. This parent needed to place her child within an environment where she felt secure and comfortable with her child care provider. I don't think it means that I am any less than I am, nor that the parent had unfounded concerns. We were simply not a good match. It happens. I do a better job when I feel that people trust me. Believe me, this parent left me feeling inadequate and insufficient in so many ways that I feel that I did half the job that I was capable of doing. I can live without that ...
I have been in relationships where information has been held back. When this happens, a person knows and feels this within the very core of their being. You begin to play a game where you attempt to talk your way through the unknowns in an attempt to explain another person's behaviour.
I suppose I do this on so many levels, in so many ways on a day-to-day basis, that it has become second nature to me. I try to understand what our cats are thinking because they cannot communicate verbally. I work with children all day and I am continually deciphering body language and broken English. When my own children 'go quiet', I try to figure out what could be fueling their feelings. Out of respect for their need for space and privacy, I don't want to push conversations that are not yet ready to unfold.
My last relationship ended (in part) because I chose to pursue the answers to the questions he always avoided answering. He never lied to me. He just didn't tell me what he didn't think I was ready (or needed) to hear. It is dishonesty on a whole new level.
I know that friendships and relationships evolve slowly and on a need-to-know-basis. Perhaps I am too much of an open book. I lay myself on the line when nurturing a relationship that invites a certain level of trust and openness to grow. When I feel someone holding back or withholding information, I become less of who I am. And I don't enjoy that sensation. Not one little bit.
On the other hand, I have some good news to offset the unsettled feeling that crept into my world!
I met a new daycare family yesterday. Nothing is official, but our meeting was positive and I was left with the feeling that 'Yes! I am in this business for all the right reasons'. The mom wants to confer with her husband and she promised to get back to me by this afternoon.
Do you know what makes me feel oh-so-good about the entire interview process?? This mom sent me an email last night to let me know why she didn't call me last night and she had one unanswered question. "I was just wondering if he (my 15 year old son) was ever left unsupervised with the children as I wouldn’t be comfortable with this..." A perfectly honest and legitimate question. If she had felt uncomfortable asking me and simply decided not to bring her child here, I would have never known the reason why. Now I do.
This relationship is off to a good start. Asking the hard questions and being open to provide the answers in an open and honest discussion is the basis on which good, solid business arrangements and relationships begin.
Ask me a question ... I will tell you my truth. Just give me the opportunity to answer before you judge me. Is that too much to ask?
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Looking Back Through the Archives
I was at a loss for words today, so I went back into the archives for some inspiration.
A year ago today, I was grateful for some kind words that someone was generous enough to pass along. A year later (and every day since then), I continue to pay that good deed forward. Little things do indeed, go a long way.
So I went back further. Six years ago. And this is what I found. Perhaps not six years ago today, but six years ago in general.
June 21, 2007
What do I want in a relationship? In my life? What are my dreams and hopes for the future?
Most of all I want personal contentment. I want to surround myself with family and friends. I want to be comfortable in whoever's company I'm in or by myself. I want to laugh. I want to focus on all that is good in life. I want space and time to myself .... that nurtures me in a way I need, to face the days.
In a relationship ... I want someone who makes me laugh and who I find spellbinding (a lot of the time, anyway). Someone who I can trust implicitly. Someone who is open and honest with me. Someone who 'fits' with me, my kids, my family and to have mutual friendships and socializing as well as time to have our own friends. I want to be with someone who inspires 'forever' in a relationship.
I want to get married again. I want to build a home with someone who I can honestly imagine living the rest of my life with.
Most of all I just want to be okay with 'me'. Because I'm stuck with myself for the rest of my life.
"I want space and time to myself .... that nurtures me in a way I need." I could have written that sentence yesterday. Some things never change.
"I want to be with someone who inspires 'forever' in a relationship." Same holds true for that sentiment. I haven't found it. But the criteria has not changed.
"I want to get married again." Hmmm ... let me ponder that one. I could go either way on that concept. The idea of being on my own for the rest of my days doesn't scare me. If I met that person who inspired 'forever', maybe that could change. Who knows? It simply isn't high on my priority list. And that is not altogether a bad thing.
"Most of all I just want to be okay with 'me'." Okay. That is another winner. Not only could I have written that yesterday, but it has been the standard by which I have lived with since the sentence was inspired. Perhaps longer.
When we are happy with who we are, I believe the rest all falls into place. I am content with where I am and where I am headed. I don't know what the future holds. No one does. But the stronger I feel within the confines of myself, the more capable I feel that I can roll with the punches that life has to dole out.
It feels good to look back and find that I was setting goals, standards and ideals within my ramblings. My heart was broken and I was valiantly searching for answers. "Where do I go from here??" was prevalent in my thoughts back then.
Ideas conceived during a time of crisis can change a life. I'm grateful for the record of my thoughts. It makes me sound wiser than I feel. But it tells me something that I truly believe. We have our own answers within us. We simply have to be quiet and listen. And? It doesn't hurt to make a written note now and again so you can look back and see how far you've come.
A year ago today, I was grateful for some kind words that someone was generous enough to pass along. A year later (and every day since then), I continue to pay that good deed forward. Little things do indeed, go a long way.
So I went back further. Six years ago. And this is what I found. Perhaps not six years ago today, but six years ago in general.
June 21, 2007
What do I want in a relationship? In my life? What are my dreams and hopes for the future?
Most of all I want personal contentment. I want to surround myself with family and friends. I want to be comfortable in whoever's company I'm in or by myself. I want to laugh. I want to focus on all that is good in life. I want space and time to myself .... that nurtures me in a way I need, to face the days.
In a relationship ... I want someone who makes me laugh and who I find spellbinding (a lot of the time, anyway). Someone who I can trust implicitly. Someone who is open and honest with me. Someone who 'fits' with me, my kids, my family and to have mutual friendships and socializing as well as time to have our own friends. I want to be with someone who inspires 'forever' in a relationship.
I want to get married again. I want to build a home with someone who I can honestly imagine living the rest of my life with.
Most of all I just want to be okay with 'me'. Because I'm stuck with myself for the rest of my life.
"I want space and time to myself .... that nurtures me in a way I need." I could have written that sentence yesterday. Some things never change.
"I want to be with someone who inspires 'forever' in a relationship." Same holds true for that sentiment. I haven't found it. But the criteria has not changed.
"I want to get married again." Hmmm ... let me ponder that one. I could go either way on that concept. The idea of being on my own for the rest of my days doesn't scare me. If I met that person who inspired 'forever', maybe that could change. Who knows? It simply isn't high on my priority list. And that is not altogether a bad thing.
"Most of all I just want to be okay with 'me'." Okay. That is another winner. Not only could I have written that yesterday, but it has been the standard by which I have lived with since the sentence was inspired. Perhaps longer.
When we are happy with who we are, I believe the rest all falls into place. I am content with where I am and where I am headed. I don't know what the future holds. No one does. But the stronger I feel within the confines of myself, the more capable I feel that I can roll with the punches that life has to dole out.
It feels good to look back and find that I was setting goals, standards and ideals within my ramblings. My heart was broken and I was valiantly searching for answers. "Where do I go from here??" was prevalent in my thoughts back then.
Ideas conceived during a time of crisis can change a life. I'm grateful for the record of my thoughts. It makes me sound wiser than I feel. But it tells me something that I truly believe. We have our own answers within us. We simply have to be quiet and listen. And? It doesn't hurt to make a written note now and again so you can look back and see how far you've come.
"When we cannot find contentment in ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere."
-- Francois De La Rochefoucauld
-- Francois De La Rochefoucauld
Thursday, June 13, 2013
My Heart Has Grown Three Sizes
I feel like I'm 'cheating' on our cat ...
How would I feel if I was in his shoes? If I was relaxed and happy in my role of Senior (and Only) Cat in the home ... and My People brought home a younger, more energetic, healthier version of myself. My twin, in fact?
How would I feel if the Family Computer desktop photo displayed the New Cat in the family?!!?
Andre cowers to my touch these days. He literally winces and his bones become like jelly as he avoids me. If I think it hurts to be rejected by him ... how in the world must he be feeling to have another cat taking over his family?
As much as they appear to mirror each other in so many ways ...
I think that part of me is wanting to go back in time. And what better way, than to adopt a young, new cat?
How would I feel if I was in his shoes? If I was relaxed and happy in my role of Senior (and Only) Cat in the home ... and My People brought home a younger, more energetic, healthier version of myself. My twin, in fact?
 |
| Ray (New Cat) on the left; Andre (Senior Cat) on the right |
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| Honestly, I thought Andre would think that he was looking at a picture of himself ... but who else but 'Ray' would lay in this 'yoga' fashion?!?? The 'left eye wink' is another of Ray's trademarks |
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| Andre, the bystander. He can't believe Ray's lack of modesty! |
Andre cowers to my touch these days. He literally winces and his bones become like jelly as he avoids me. If I think it hurts to be rejected by him ... how in the world must he be feeling to have another cat taking over his family?
As much as they appear to mirror each other in so many ways ...
 |
| The difference is in their tail placement - Ray is on the right (with the curled tail) |
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| Andre still maintains ownership of 'his' spot on the couch! |
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| In the hierarchy of cats, Andre comes out on top (on the top bench, anyway) |
... they are two unique personalities.
I hate to see Andre become any less of the cat that he has always been. But he has. His confidence is shattered. He is so much less of the confident Only Cat that he used to be. And it breaks my heart.
The sad thing is, is that Ray is fast earning his spot in our hearts. He is a fun loving, out going cat with energy, health and vitality. Is this why people are drawn into temptation outside of loving, long term relationships? That lust of falling in love all over again with a younger version of someone who mirrors the person that they have known and loved for 'forever'?
I found myself lusting over townhouses in a new area near us yesterday. It brought me back to the time in my life when I bought a brand new townhouse and was forging out on my own. Everything was fresh and new. Everything was clean and everything worked. I seem to be looking for a younger, fresh and new in more things than cats these days.
Then there is the fact that I have been a small bit obsessed with the idea of attending our high school reunion.
So yes, I do think that I am feeling the guilt of having an 'affair'. And I think Andre knows that and feels it too. He is trying to forgive me but it is coming out in small, tentative doses. It hurts. But I can only imagine how hurt Andre must feel.
A person's heart simply grows to love more and more as life goes on. A parent doesn't love one of their children any more or less than another. We love with our whole heart. We simply love and appreciate the differences that each unique being (whether they be a child or a pet) brings into our lives.
I think that my heart has grown three sizes lately ...
"The Grinch hated Christmas — the whole Christmas season.
Oh, please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
And what happened then...? Well...in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day!
And then the true meaning of Christmas came through,
And the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches… plus two."
~ Quote from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"
Friday, May 31, 2013
What Would You Do?
What would you do ...
Then there is the financial end of our partnership. It isn't working. There are many more details. But it is simply not working.
What would you do ...
I have been running my daycare on my own terms this second time around. I value myself and those around me value what I have to offer. The kids are reaping the benefits of a positive environment. Except in this one case ...
I did nothing ...
I did nothing.
- if you have been walking against the current with someone in your life
- who pops in and out of your days with an irregular sort of regularity
- when you do see them, you know they don't want to be with you
- they upset the flow of your day when they come to you on their own terms
- when they are embarrassed to be seen with you?
- they don't enjoy their time with you no matter what you do
- they have been put in a spot where they have no choice but to come to you
- they have relinquished on their part of a deal with you
- if that person was six years old?
- but their parents are far older than that, and they are in a bind because they cannot afford daycare costs
Then there is the financial end of our partnership. It isn't working. There are many more details. But it is simply not working.
What would you do ...
- if someone who is not holding up their end of a working relationship comes to you and does not ask for a thing ... but in their silence, they are asking you to give even more than you already have given
- and all they have to give you in return, is a child who brings down the moral every time he walks through your door
I have been running my daycare on my own terms this second time around. I value myself and those around me value what I have to offer. The kids are reaping the benefits of a positive environment. Except in this one case ...
I did nothing ...
- I empathized with the parent and offered as many options as possible (not one of them included changing our original daycare arrangement)
- I suggested that perhaps this was for the best since her child does not want to be here
- I offered my sympathies
- but I did nothing.
I did nothing.
Friday, February 15, 2013
The Five Love Languages
Oprah recently aired a show featuring Dr. Gary Chapman and his book/concept of "The Five Love Languages". I was eager to take the love language quiz but there must have been some technical glitch that prevented me from doing so.
Ever since I watched this show, I have been very conscious of the concept behind Dr. Chapman's book. He says that knowing and understanding the primary 'love language' of your partner or the people in your life can transform relationships.
The five languages are:
What I knew right off the bat are that words mean the world to me. But 'talk is cheap' and I have experiences where I have heard all of the right words without the corresponding actions ... so it is important to me, that the words are backed up in actions.
I also recognized that gifts are very unimportant to me. A card with a few thoughtful words means the world to me. A gift? I am not a good gift-giver, because physical gifts are inconsequential to me.
Physical touch? Our family is not a touchy/feely family. Or we never used to be. The vast majority of my siblings (and even my mom!) have consciously worked at this 'hugging thing'. I have thought (from time to time) that perhaps I should do this too. But it is not even an afterthought in my mind. Hug me with your words and actions and no touch is required. Though ... I do suppose that it is a language that I should become more fluent in, because of its increasing importance to those that touch my world.
Being conscious of the love language other people need and respond to, has heightened my awareness as to the how's and why's of various friendships/relationships in my life seem to thrive (or not). This is a good tool to keep in my 'book of tricks' as I weave my way through this life of mine.
There is a language that Dr. Chapman does not address that I have recognized that I need in my relationships. Humor. The ability to laugh in the face of adversity. The need to diffuse a hot topic with a light hearted comment. Laughter is a basic requirement in my relationships. I need it to sustain me through the good and the bad.
As I make my way through my days and weave other people into the patchwork quilt that is my life, the relationships that last will most certainly be seasoned with laughter.
Ever since I watched this show, I have been very conscious of the concept behind Dr. Chapman's book. He says that knowing and understanding the primary 'love language' of your partner or the people in your life can transform relationships.
The five languages are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
What I knew right off the bat are that words mean the world to me. But 'talk is cheap' and I have experiences where I have heard all of the right words without the corresponding actions ... so it is important to me, that the words are backed up in actions.
I also recognized that gifts are very unimportant to me. A card with a few thoughtful words means the world to me. A gift? I am not a good gift-giver, because physical gifts are inconsequential to me.
Physical touch? Our family is not a touchy/feely family. Or we never used to be. The vast majority of my siblings (and even my mom!) have consciously worked at this 'hugging thing'. I have thought (from time to time) that perhaps I should do this too. But it is not even an afterthought in my mind. Hug me with your words and actions and no touch is required. Though ... I do suppose that it is a language that I should become more fluent in, because of its increasing importance to those that touch my world.
Being conscious of the love language other people need and respond to, has heightened my awareness as to the how's and why's of various friendships/relationships in my life seem to thrive (or not). This is a good tool to keep in my 'book of tricks' as I weave my way through this life of mine.
There is a language that Dr. Chapman does not address that I have recognized that I need in my relationships. Humor. The ability to laugh in the face of adversity. The need to diffuse a hot topic with a light hearted comment. Laughter is a basic requirement in my relationships. I need it to sustain me through the good and the bad.
As I make my way through my days and weave other people into the patchwork quilt that is my life, the relationships that last will most certainly be seasoned with laughter.
Words + actions + humor = A language I speak and understand
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
M & M's in Lieu of a Man??
I knew that "The Guilt Trip" was going to tickle my funny bone when the opening scene had absolutely no dialogue. Barbra Streisand woke up with with an abandoned book on the undisturbed spot on her bed and an empty M & M package (and a stray M & M) beside (and underneath) her.
Oh ... the parallel scenes that quietly played through my mind as not a word was spoken. The unwritten rules and benefits of sleeping alone. You do whatever makes your little heart happy to fill the quiet void in your life.
I appreciate and revel in the freedoms of being single. I do revel in being the master of my domain when it comes to my sleep habits.
Have I woken up with a stray Skittle under my pillow? Yes. Have I gone through a phase where Fruit Roll-ups & Granola dip bars were hidden in my night stand? Been there. Done that. How many times have I eaten chips in bed? Far too many to count.
I have developed some terrible sleep habits that infringe upon no one. I set the sleep timer on the TV and I have convinced myself that I cannot fall asleep without that crutch. I sleep with the remote control at arms length so if I wake during the night, I can lull myself back to sleep by replacing the thoughts racing through my mind with some inane TV chatter.
I fall asleep, sleeping parallel across the top of my bed. As a single person, I too have an undisturbed half of the bed. The bottom half. The half where my remote control sleeps at night.
There is an unspoken loneliness in that scene. The scene in one's life where they happily substitute guilty pleasures for that-which-is-missing.
Ninety nine percent of the time I don't miss that-which-I-do-not-have in my life. The motto I adopted over Christmas this year has remained with me. "I already have everything that I want. I just want everything that I have ... to work". When I spoke these words, I was referring to material possessions. As I rethink them this morning, I realize that it applies just as much (if not more) to the people and relationships in my life.
I have the perfect family. For me. My three boys - each entered the world in their own chosen time. At the time did I realize how perfect the timing was? No. In retrospect? I couldn't have planned it any better.
I am the second youngest in a family of four. I have two sisters (nine & eleven years older than me) and one brother (five years younger). We could so easily be a family distanced by the years and miles that separate us. But we aren't. We are close in every way that matters despite that which could have placed a wedge in our relationships.
I have developed relationships among cousins, aunts and uncles that have grounded me and provided me with a sense of belonging in this world. I have discovered my roots and I am so grateful to feel like a part of something bigger than me - my family.
I have friend for every reason and season in my life. I have tested those friendships. They are tried, true and solid. They are mutual. They work.
I have all that I want in my life. And all that I have ... works.
Yet lately, there has been a quiet yearning for something more. Someone to have and to hold. A relationship that works.
In the absence of finding that which works ... I would choose to continue living the life that I have. I am not lonely. But I have been in relationships where I have felt alone.
Barbra Streisand's character explained to her son that she never chose to look for another husband after his father died. His father never let her eat M & M's in bed. In the absence that that whom she loved, she chose to indulge herself in something that she always enjoyed.
M & M's in lieu of a man? A life that you know and enjoy verses the unknown?
I know many people that are content and happy in their life-without-a-partner. Marriage and relationships are a lot of work. I sit back and quietly watch the yin and the yang of various relationships. It isn't easy to make a life of 'forever' work with another person. In my experience ... there is nothing that feels more lonely than feeling alone when you are in a relationship.
I suppose until I meet the man that I 'wouldn't throw out of bed for eating Pringles' ... I will revel in the freedoms I know and enjoy in this single-life-as-I-know-it.
Oh ... the parallel scenes that quietly played through my mind as not a word was spoken. The unwritten rules and benefits of sleeping alone. You do whatever makes your little heart happy to fill the quiet void in your life.
I appreciate and revel in the freedoms of being single. I do revel in being the master of my domain when it comes to my sleep habits.
Have I woken up with a stray Skittle under my pillow? Yes. Have I gone through a phase where Fruit Roll-ups & Granola dip bars were hidden in my night stand? Been there. Done that. How many times have I eaten chips in bed? Far too many to count.
I have developed some terrible sleep habits that infringe upon no one. I set the sleep timer on the TV and I have convinced myself that I cannot fall asleep without that crutch. I sleep with the remote control at arms length so if I wake during the night, I can lull myself back to sleep by replacing the thoughts racing through my mind with some inane TV chatter.
I fall asleep, sleeping parallel across the top of my bed. As a single person, I too have an undisturbed half of the bed. The bottom half. The half where my remote control sleeps at night.
There is an unspoken loneliness in that scene. The scene in one's life where they happily substitute guilty pleasures for that-which-is-missing.
Ninety nine percent of the time I don't miss that-which-I-do-not-have in my life. The motto I adopted over Christmas this year has remained with me. "I already have everything that I want. I just want everything that I have ... to work". When I spoke these words, I was referring to material possessions. As I rethink them this morning, I realize that it applies just as much (if not more) to the people and relationships in my life.
I have the perfect family. For me. My three boys - each entered the world in their own chosen time. At the time did I realize how perfect the timing was? No. In retrospect? I couldn't have planned it any better.
I am the second youngest in a family of four. I have two sisters (nine & eleven years older than me) and one brother (five years younger). We could so easily be a family distanced by the years and miles that separate us. But we aren't. We are close in every way that matters despite that which could have placed a wedge in our relationships.
I have developed relationships among cousins, aunts and uncles that have grounded me and provided me with a sense of belonging in this world. I have discovered my roots and I am so grateful to feel like a part of something bigger than me - my family.
I have friend for every reason and season in my life. I have tested those friendships. They are tried, true and solid. They are mutual. They work.
I have all that I want in my life. And all that I have ... works.
Yet lately, there has been a quiet yearning for something more. Someone to have and to hold. A relationship that works.
In the absence of finding that which works ... I would choose to continue living the life that I have. I am not lonely. But I have been in relationships where I have felt alone.
Barbra Streisand's character explained to her son that she never chose to look for another husband after his father died. His father never let her eat M & M's in bed. In the absence that that whom she loved, she chose to indulge herself in something that she always enjoyed.
M & M's in lieu of a man? A life that you know and enjoy verses the unknown?
I know many people that are content and happy in their life-without-a-partner. Marriage and relationships are a lot of work. I sit back and quietly watch the yin and the yang of various relationships. It isn't easy to make a life of 'forever' work with another person. In my experience ... there is nothing that feels more lonely than feeling alone when you are in a relationship.
I suppose until I meet the man that I 'wouldn't throw out of bed for eating Pringles' ... I will revel in the freedoms I know and enjoy in this single-life-as-I-know-it.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
A Day of Reflection
I don't seem to have words this morning. I must have used them all up yesterday. It takes a good kind of energy to spend 9 1/2 hours among strangers that feel like friends ...
It was a thought provoking day. A good day. A day to dig deep. A day to share. A day to listen. A day to care ...
I spent the day in a room full of 'friends that I hadn't met yet' and felt the desire to be a part of such a fellowship. A group united in faith, support, friendship and caring. Then I took a step back out into the real world and I knew that my life is already full of everything that was within that room ...
I listened to stories about how people found their faith. The long and winding roads and I could relate. I have found that it is after times of great despair when I have had that 'out of body experience' and heard words of wisdom that did not feel like my own ...
I stepped back out into the real world and carried a piece of the day within me. I cocooned myself in my car and reread the letters that I had received from my children, my siblings, my mom and my friends. I spent the evening among friends. I came home and reread my letters again ...
I talked with My Youngest about religion and faith. I love that he has a questioning mind and does not simply take what he reads or hears at face value. He questions. He wonders. I love that about him. About my children. I believe when you question and utilize your own reasoning powers, you are better equipped to deal with all that life hands you. To follow without question is not the best path ...
Then I ceremoniously placed the mementos of the day in a special spot. When I think back upon the words that my family and friends put down on paper for me to read, what I will remember most of all is that I am becoming all I hope to be. I seem to be the kind of Mom my children want and need. My siblings consider me an equal and giving partner in this thing called 'family'. My friends value what I have to give as much as I cherish all that they reciprocate. And my mom? My mom is happy to call me her daughter ...
I will continue to attain to be all that those who touch my life believe me to be. I am blessed to have people see the best that I have to offer ... because the flip side could also be true if they were to focus on my shortcomings.
It was a thought provoking day. A good day. A day to dig deep. A day to share. A day to listen. A day to care ...
I spent the day in a room full of 'friends that I hadn't met yet' and felt the desire to be a part of such a fellowship. A group united in faith, support, friendship and caring. Then I took a step back out into the real world and I knew that my life is already full of everything that was within that room ...
I listened to stories about how people found their faith. The long and winding roads and I could relate. I have found that it is after times of great despair when I have had that 'out of body experience' and heard words of wisdom that did not feel like my own ...
I stepped back out into the real world and carried a piece of the day within me. I cocooned myself in my car and reread the letters that I had received from my children, my siblings, my mom and my friends. I spent the evening among friends. I came home and reread my letters again ...
I talked with My Youngest about religion and faith. I love that he has a questioning mind and does not simply take what he reads or hears at face value. He questions. He wonders. I love that about him. About my children. I believe when you question and utilize your own reasoning powers, you are better equipped to deal with all that life hands you. To follow without question is not the best path ...
Then I ceremoniously placed the mementos of the day in a special spot. When I think back upon the words that my family and friends put down on paper for me to read, what I will remember most of all is that I am becoming all I hope to be. I seem to be the kind of Mom my children want and need. My siblings consider me an equal and giving partner in this thing called 'family'. My friends value what I have to give as much as I cherish all that they reciprocate. And my mom? My mom is happy to call me her daughter ...
I will continue to attain to be all that those who touch my life believe me to be. I am blessed to have people see the best that I have to offer ... because the flip side could also be true if they were to focus on my shortcomings.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
But What if He Wasn't ....
I have a friend who has attained what I have only dreamed of. She has a healthy, supportive and strong relationship with her ex-husbands and their wives.
Her daughter got married this summer. She has been friendly with her ex-husband and his wife for a very long time. This hasn't been without its challenges, but she is a determined soul and she fights for what she believes in. She believes in friendship. She believes in doing what is best for her children.
She has always known that he is a good dad and despite their different methods of parenting and views from time to time, it became very obvious at their daughter's wedding that they each believe that the other party is a good parent - a good person. The entire family came out the other side of divorce and are friends. They embraced, they love each other ... when the song "It Looks Like We Made It" was played, they looked at each other and said "That song is for us ..."
Three weeks later, this same friend was off a family holiday with her husband and youngest son ... to visit her son's father. For a week.
The relationship between the son and father has been estranged. The marriage broke up when their son was about two years old. There were many, many issues which brought about the divorce. It was a very unhealthy situation and my friend had to resort to blocking her ex-husband from being able to contact her. From what was understood at the time, it was the only answer that could provide her and her family any peace.
Fast forward several years ... when my friend changed telephone providers and neglected to block her ex-husband's number immediately. He called.
The past two years have been a process. A process that was complete (yet only just beginning) this summer when father and son (and ex-husband, ex-wife and all of their spouses) were reunited. It was a success on every level. The comment that my friend's husband told her ex was "I didn't think that I would like you ... but I do!" The feeling was reciprocated by all four parties. Then there was the father and son ...
My friend's son was not raised by his father. He didn't know his father. Yet mannerisms, looks, ways of thinking, behaviours ... you name it ... he is his father's son. There was a sense of coming home. Of belonging. Of knowing his father. This reunion completely transformed my friend's son. He is completely at peace.
His dad is a good guy. He thought his dad was a bad guy. He knew that his dad was a part of him. And if his dad was a bad guy ... so was he. But he's not. He's a good dad. He's a good human being. Knowing that his dad is a good guy has given the son permission to believe that he is a good guy.
My heart is so happy for my friend. She has attained what I only dreamed of. I told her this. Her story has such a good ending (really, a beginning).
But what if the dad wasn't such a good guy?? My heart aches for those who don't have that sense of peace ...
Her daughter got married this summer. She has been friendly with her ex-husband and his wife for a very long time. This hasn't been without its challenges, but she is a determined soul and she fights for what she believes in. She believes in friendship. She believes in doing what is best for her children.
She has always known that he is a good dad and despite their different methods of parenting and views from time to time, it became very obvious at their daughter's wedding that they each believe that the other party is a good parent - a good person. The entire family came out the other side of divorce and are friends. They embraced, they love each other ... when the song "It Looks Like We Made It" was played, they looked at each other and said "That song is for us ..."
Three weeks later, this same friend was off a family holiday with her husband and youngest son ... to visit her son's father. For a week.
The relationship between the son and father has been estranged. The marriage broke up when their son was about two years old. There were many, many issues which brought about the divorce. It was a very unhealthy situation and my friend had to resort to blocking her ex-husband from being able to contact her. From what was understood at the time, it was the only answer that could provide her and her family any peace.
Fast forward several years ... when my friend changed telephone providers and neglected to block her ex-husband's number immediately. He called.
The past two years have been a process. A process that was complete (yet only just beginning) this summer when father and son (and ex-husband, ex-wife and all of their spouses) were reunited. It was a success on every level. The comment that my friend's husband told her ex was "I didn't think that I would like you ... but I do!" The feeling was reciprocated by all four parties. Then there was the father and son ...
My friend's son was not raised by his father. He didn't know his father. Yet mannerisms, looks, ways of thinking, behaviours ... you name it ... he is his father's son. There was a sense of coming home. Of belonging. Of knowing his father. This reunion completely transformed my friend's son. He is completely at peace.
His dad is a good guy. He thought his dad was a bad guy. He knew that his dad was a part of him. And if his dad was a bad guy ... so was he. But he's not. He's a good dad. He's a good human being. Knowing that his dad is a good guy has given the son permission to believe that he is a good guy.
My heart is so happy for my friend. She has attained what I only dreamed of. I told her this. Her story has such a good ending (really, a beginning).
But what if the dad wasn't such a good guy?? My heart aches for those who don't have that sense of peace ...
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I Love Being Single
As I crawled into my bed at midnight (again) last night and sprawled myself diagonally over the top half of my bed (as I do every single night), I thought to myself, "I love being single!"
In this past work-crazed week, I have been logging 9 - 12 hour days. I have no excess energy to take care of anyone else but myself. I don't feel like talking (!??!) and I've been kind of (very) prickly to live with. I'm so glad that I don't have to 'be' anything to anyone else this week.
I can live a very go-with-the-flow kind of life. And I like it like that. Spur of the moment decisions, holiday plans and destinations that fit 'me', time for friends and family and in the quiet moments left over ... I can read a book or nod off or spend hours puttering away at the computer. I need 'quiet' time to recharge my batteries. And when I am on my own, I have just the right amount of time for that.
Raising kids - some people feel that single parenting is hard. I tend to disagree. Although I know that my children could have benefited from being raised with a second parent who had a different spin on life, there are many advantages to being a sole parent. Discipline, routines and expectations are not challenged by a second party. In my case, I have found it easier to raise my children on my own. My kids may have their own opinions, but this style of parenting (though not my first choice) has not been a hardship.
When I have gone to a social function as a single, I have been grateful that I'm not concerned about whether or not my partner is enjoying themselves. I have walked into (what used to be terrifying and to-be-avoided-at-all-costs) situations in my newest round of single hood and conquered my old fears. I have a renewed sense of confidence and fun because I am only concerned with 'me' in a social situation. It has been surprisingly easy.
Budgeting is another task that is easier when one person dictates the household economy. Whether it is a severe cutback or an ease on spending ... when the finances aren't strained by alternate priorities and styles of spending, it is not the same challenge. I can buy dance lessons instead of groceries if I want to, and I don't have anyone second guessing me!
Some people in my shoes may look towards the future and see an empty house and a hole in their life. I look ahead and I see a Bed and Breakfast being 'full to capacity'.
I look forward and anticipate whatever may come my way. As I continue to live my life as I do, if I should happen to meet someone who makes my knees shake, I may find that the exact opposite of all of the above is true. Because for each and every point that I made, there is a flip side - an empty bed at night; I could work half as much if I had a partner to share the financial responsibilities; the comfort of going to a social gathering as part of a couple; shared holiday time with a partner; someone to help with the parental responsibilities and worries; and looking towards the future knowing that you have someone to hold your hand along the way.
There are no guarantees. I thought I knew what my future held in store. But I was wrong. I had the rug pulled out from under me, but that was necessary for me to 'find my wings' and realize that ''all that I needed, was there along'' as the lyrics from my new favorite song - ('The Time of My Life ' by David Cook) state so eloquently.
Yes. I'm having the time of my life. I don't need someone else in my life to 'complete me'. I am a complete and vital person on my own.
Until I find a man who equally enjoys sprawling himself diagonally over the bottom half of the bed, I'm simply enjoying the 'state of being single'!
In this past work-crazed week, I have been logging 9 - 12 hour days. I have no excess energy to take care of anyone else but myself. I don't feel like talking (!??!) and I've been kind of (very) prickly to live with. I'm so glad that I don't have to 'be' anything to anyone else this week.
I can live a very go-with-the-flow kind of life. And I like it like that. Spur of the moment decisions, holiday plans and destinations that fit 'me', time for friends and family and in the quiet moments left over ... I can read a book or nod off or spend hours puttering away at the computer. I need 'quiet' time to recharge my batteries. And when I am on my own, I have just the right amount of time for that.
Raising kids - some people feel that single parenting is hard. I tend to disagree. Although I know that my children could have benefited from being raised with a second parent who had a different spin on life, there are many advantages to being a sole parent. Discipline, routines and expectations are not challenged by a second party. In my case, I have found it easier to raise my children on my own. My kids may have their own opinions, but this style of parenting (though not my first choice) has not been a hardship.
When I have gone to a social function as a single, I have been grateful that I'm not concerned about whether or not my partner is enjoying themselves. I have walked into (what used to be terrifying and to-be-avoided-at-all-costs) situations in my newest round of single hood and conquered my old fears. I have a renewed sense of confidence and fun because I am only concerned with 'me' in a social situation. It has been surprisingly easy.
Budgeting is another task that is easier when one person dictates the household economy. Whether it is a severe cutback or an ease on spending ... when the finances aren't strained by alternate priorities and styles of spending, it is not the same challenge. I can buy dance lessons instead of groceries if I want to, and I don't have anyone second guessing me!
Some people in my shoes may look towards the future and see an empty house and a hole in their life. I look ahead and I see a Bed and Breakfast being 'full to capacity'.
I look forward and anticipate whatever may come my way. As I continue to live my life as I do, if I should happen to meet someone who makes my knees shake, I may find that the exact opposite of all of the above is true. Because for each and every point that I made, there is a flip side - an empty bed at night; I could work half as much if I had a partner to share the financial responsibilities; the comfort of going to a social gathering as part of a couple; shared holiday time with a partner; someone to help with the parental responsibilities and worries; and looking towards the future knowing that you have someone to hold your hand along the way.
There are no guarantees. I thought I knew what my future held in store. But I was wrong. I had the rug pulled out from under me, but that was necessary for me to 'find my wings' and realize that ''all that I needed, was there along'' as the lyrics from my new favorite song - ('The Time of My Life ' by David Cook) state so eloquently.
Yes. I'm having the time of my life. I don't need someone else in my life to 'complete me'. I am a complete and vital person on my own.
Until I find a man who equally enjoys sprawling himself diagonally over the bottom half of the bed, I'm simply enjoying the 'state of being single'!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
"I Like Who I Am When I'm With You"
I finally got around to watching the season finale of 'The Good Wife'. What was the quote that resonated with me long after the show was over? When Will told Alicia, "I like who I am, when I'm with you".
What a very telling statement.
When I was young and insecure, I was a different person around different people. I remember a time when three different people in three completely different areas of my life all ended up working together in one office. An old boss, a best friend and a neighbor. Omigosh. There was a little bit of panic within me, when I realized that if all three of them amalgamated those three separate pieces of me together, they would know who I really was.
Little did I know at the time, that people have much better things to talk about. But what was brought to my consciousness, was the degree that I changed when I was around different people.
That was about a quarter of a century ago. A lot has changed in that time.
I have meshed all of the pieces of my personality together and I am now the same person, no matter who I am around.
But what have I noticed as I have come to accept the 'one' person that I have become? I notice the difference when I change in the company of someone.
I have let some friendships slide because I have to pussyfoot around issues, be careful of what I say and withhold information that I usually talk about easily. There are 'unwritten rules' that have become part of that relationship.
I have not exiled anyone from my life, but I don't go and seek people out when I am not comfortable being myself in their company.
How and when did all of this come about?
I simply cannot pinpoint one exact incident. But I do have a particular circle of friends who were the first group of people that encouraged me to be the 'me' that I am. They accepted me for the person I was and I liked the person I became, when I was in their company.
The 'person' I was, when I was in the company of this group of friends became more confident. And I started being 'that person' more often. The person I had been all along.
There is a snowball effect in life. Whether it is a good thing or a bad thing, you seem to attract people to the negative or the positive in your life. After a decade of living a life where my friendships were based on how to survive in a bad situation, it was life changing to form friendships based on focusing on the positive.
When choosing a life partner, I think it is imperative that you choose someone who makes you feel 'the best you can be'. If a relationship brings out the parts of you that you don't like ... look very hard at the reasons why you are pursuing it. If you aren't at your best, chances are that the other person isn't either.
I would rather be alone, than be part of a relationship where I was not allowed the freedom of being who I am. I want to be likable ... and to do that, I must like the person that I am.
What a very telling statement.
When I was young and insecure, I was a different person around different people. I remember a time when three different people in three completely different areas of my life all ended up working together in one office. An old boss, a best friend and a neighbor. Omigosh. There was a little bit of panic within me, when I realized that if all three of them amalgamated those three separate pieces of me together, they would know who I really was.
Little did I know at the time, that people have much better things to talk about. But what was brought to my consciousness, was the degree that I changed when I was around different people.
That was about a quarter of a century ago. A lot has changed in that time.
I have meshed all of the pieces of my personality together and I am now the same person, no matter who I am around.
But what have I noticed as I have come to accept the 'one' person that I have become? I notice the difference when I change in the company of someone.
I have let some friendships slide because I have to pussyfoot around issues, be careful of what I say and withhold information that I usually talk about easily. There are 'unwritten rules' that have become part of that relationship.
I have not exiled anyone from my life, but I don't go and seek people out when I am not comfortable being myself in their company.
How and when did all of this come about?
I simply cannot pinpoint one exact incident. But I do have a particular circle of friends who were the first group of people that encouraged me to be the 'me' that I am. They accepted me for the person I was and I liked the person I became, when I was in their company.
The 'person' I was, when I was in the company of this group of friends became more confident. And I started being 'that person' more often. The person I had been all along.
There is a snowball effect in life. Whether it is a good thing or a bad thing, you seem to attract people to the negative or the positive in your life. After a decade of living a life where my friendships were based on how to survive in a bad situation, it was life changing to form friendships based on focusing on the positive.
When choosing a life partner, I think it is imperative that you choose someone who makes you feel 'the best you can be'. If a relationship brings out the parts of you that you don't like ... look very hard at the reasons why you are pursuing it. If you aren't at your best, chances are that the other person isn't either.
I would rather be alone, than be part of a relationship where I was not allowed the freedom of being who I am. I want to be likable ... and to do that, I must like the person that I am.
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