Better Days

One of my personal mottos is: "The good thing about a very bad day is [often], the next day is better"

Let me add the disclaimer this is not always the truth. Bad days are not always followed by better days but there is one almost sure fire guarantee. The next day will be different.

Personally, if I can examine that very bad day and pinpoint where things went wrong or why I took a set of circumstances personally, I do my best to address my personal responsibility and attempt to let the rest go. I am better at this some days than others.

If circumstances are beyond my control, I throw my hands up in the air and mutter to myself "I did my best but the wrong things happened". I give myself permission to feel badly, pat myself on the back for doing my level best (our best changes day by day and the best is all we can ever ask of ourselves) and carry on to live another day.

I've had a few bad days in recent history. Let me disclose the fact that I have a very easy life and my definition of a "bad day" is relative to the weeks and months preceding aforementioned days. A bad day in my life is not all that terrible.

I am well aware there are situations which are dire and of much more consequence than those I have contended with. I'm not talking about those days. In fact, I tend to handle the bigger, life altering life events better than I deal with the little stuff. It's the little stuff that brings me down (almost) every time.

Knowing when to consult a professional can alter a day. Computer technology comes to mind as an example. Deciphering when I can figure something out versus admitting defeat and calling a computer expert is a blurry line. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. Losing a day-long battle against technology can leave one feeling very weary. But, when comparing said defeat against a real live crisis of epic proportions, it keeps one's perspective in view.

When you look backwards at a day and can pinpoint the exact moment when things went awry and how the domino effect of one simple action affected everything to follow, it may help to take a portion of accountability on yourself. Even though there is nothing you can do about it, if you can walk away with the thought, "Note to self: next time I will do [this] differently and hope for better results". 

There are so very many kinds of days where one feels beaten down and worn out after a long, hard day of life.

There isn't a person I know who lives without worry, pressure, tension, anxiety, trauma, pain or difficulty in some form. Everyone you meet is carrying the weight of their world on their shoulders. Some bear the burden inwardly, others may show signs of weariness, but it is almost a guarantee that everyone you meet is fighting a battle you cannot see.

There are so many stressors people are facing. Health; relationships; financial burdens; work; mental illness; concern over family/friend's well being; feelings of being overwhelmed, misunderstood or not seen; too much/not enough responsibility; work/unemployment; isolation/not enough isolation and the list goes on. 

We are acting and reacting to all the above mentioned conditions on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis. Interactions between us are almost guaranteed to go sideways because each of us is dealing with our own "stuff". The potential for misunderstanding is high.

I wrote that sentence, looked up and the title of this book from my bookshelf literally jumped out at me:

When our bad days go badly due to interactions with others, it is hard not to take them personally. It can be even harder to pinpoint an exact cause and action to rectify a problem. The chance for re-occurrence is high.

In my experience, the best way to deal with the "day after" is after taking a step back, sleeping on it and coming back at the experience without the emotion driving the feelings of a bad situation.

In my daycare days, I wrote newsletters. Writing forces me to re-examine, re-read and reflect on how my words sound to the person on the receiving end. Writing has been a godsend to me. I can defuse my emotions, search for words with less of a sting and after sorting my thoughts on paper, I can maintain a sense of calmness when speaking of how something has affected me without adding fuel to the fire.

Writing has made me better at vocalizing my thoughts. It is in my nature to avoid confrontation or arguments. The fact that I have a quiet voice assists me in making my point. I have never solved an issue by pretending it didn't exist. 

There is a sense of calm that follows after simply doing what is within your power and letting the rest go. 

Give yourself a break today. Know that you did your best. Remind yourself that your "best" changes day by day, moment by moment. Hope for better days ahead. Even though today may not be that day, remind yourself better days are on the horizon. 

Giving Up Verses Giving In

One of life's most important lessons just may be: "Know when to call for help". This renewed piece of knowledge is brought to you by The Need to Get A New Computer.

This is how I thought the conversation went:

Me: I bought the computer using no other information than what you told us. It has 8 GB of Ram with an Intel processor. It is untouched, still sealed, new in the box, just in case we have to return it. I have never bought a computer before. My Previous Computer Guy always did everything for me and brought it to me when he did whatever had to be done. My boss said to have you take care of setting up the new computer.

Computer Guy: All you need to do is turn it on and let the updates run. That will save me time ...

So that is how I got myself into a situation that was way above my pay grade.

I knew I was in trouble when the absolutely very first thing I did when the computer came to life and asked me the simple question: 

What language do you want to use? "United States - English or Canada - [I didn't stop to read any further - I just knew I lived in Canada so I clicked before I read]"

Warning! Warning! Warning!

Always read before you click!!!!!!!

I clicked "Canada - ________" and apparently the word after Canada must have been French because from that point onward the computer spoke and typed to me in Canadian French.

The day steadily went downhill from there.

The next day, my Computer Guy came to install data from the hard drive which had crashed and our conversation went something like this:

Me: I got myself in way over my head. I've never done this before and I made every mistake known to man.

Computer Guy: That's why I always like to set up a new computer myself.

Me: I thought you said all I had to do was turn it on and let the updates run.

Computer Guy: [after a calm discussion of what he thought he said and what I thought I heard] There is no sense in wondering about what happened yesterday. We can only go forward from here.

Me: So apparently, when the VERY first thing you do is wrong, you quit and call an expert in the field.

Computer Guy: [short version of a very long answer] Yes

Lesson learned. 

I have become as wise as I am due to all the things I have done wrong before I find the right way. My personal motto is "I rarely take a direct route to where I'm going but I always get there in the end." Sometimes? Just sometimes? I need a little help getting there.

All of what I have learned in life has come from doing it wrong before I got it right. Or finally figured out that I should simply give up and/or call for help.

Giving up verses giving in. This ongoing battle will continue to be part of my life story. 

When do we finally get to the part where we are simply wise? I guess when we stop trying new things. I am starting to believe learning is highly overrated.

“Once you stop learning you start dying” 

~ Albert Einstein

Hello? Who is This?

Remember the good old days when the sound of a ringing phone brought surprise and anticipation as we didn't know who was going to be on the other end of the telephone line?

These days, phone calls are a rarity. When the phone does ring we have the convenience of knowing who is calling before we answer the call. While this is convenient to avoid telemarketers and the like, is there anyone out there who has not screened their calls with this knowledge?

More often than not, I will receive a text message asking if this is a good time to talk. While I fully understand the need for this modern etiquette due to the fact that many people no longer have a land line in their home ("Why pay for two phones?" is a valid argument), and one never knows where in the world a person may be when they call a cell phone.

It is handy to get a message to prepare for a call. One can grab a cup of coffee and tend to their personal needs when they know a long conversation is up and coming. I actually appreciate the advance warning.

But what of the times when you are expecting a call and it doesn't come. Hmmm. Kind of like the old days, isn't it? Except in the olden days, when one didn't reserve a time slot for an anticipated call, one went on with their life in progress (perhaps not a teen age girl, who had just given her phone number to a cute boy back in the 1970's though).

I remember staring at the phone, wishing it would ring. I remember not wanting to leave the house because I wouldn't know if someone called in my absence. I remember seriously considering leaving a tape recorder running beside the phone so I would know if I missed a call. I wouldn't have known who it was from. I would have simply known the phone had rung. I remember even being excited to talk to a wrong number.

Long gone are those days. I now return home from a day of work and I am absolutely thrilled when I see no one has called in my absence. Or if someone did call and didn't leave a message, I am off the hook. No need to communicate has become the highlight of returning to a day away from home.

I am presently sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. A friend made a notation in her calendar to call me today. This may or may not happen. But in the meantime, I sit here in a state of readiness. I will need to hop in the shower at some point soon but I have the option of bringing the phone with me just in case it rings.

Remember the days when the phone was attached to a wall and your ability to roam was restricted by the length of your phone cord?

I sound so old-womanish as I sit here and reflect on the changing times. It is hard to imagine that these good old days were only a decade or so ago. Life is changing. Too much. Too fast. Our need for connection has disconnected us in the ways that count.

Mom saw the writing on the wall when she was disgusted with people attached to their cell phones when cell phones were new and a novelty item. "What is so important that a phone call can't wait until you are home?" She certainly appreciated the convenience in case of an emergency. But any other time? Can't we just talk when we are at home, preferably attached to a phone cord so the person on the other end of the conversation receives our undivided attention?

My attention is so divided I accomplish very little in this modern world. I have no one to blame but myself but I'd like to shift some of the blame to the expectations due to the technological advancements of our era. We now celebrate "disconnecting". Shouldn't that be the norm?

I miss some parts of the good old days. The anticipation of who was on the other end of a ringing phone brought no end of excitement to my quiet little existence.

Just my thoughts of the morning as I sit here hoping the phone will ring. Over and out...

Practising the Pause

I received an after hours text last night. While my initial reaction was to respond immediately, I thought "Wait until you get home ...". I got home and decided that "Wait until tomorrow" was the best response.

I had an important conversation yesterday. While my initial reaction was to try to offer up a solution, I simply responded, "We need to keep talking..." in the moment I was in. I woke up this morning with a possible option in mind but again talked myself down. "Think about this first ..." and see what alternatives crop up.

I felt a little angsty about both of these moments where the best answer was no answer. I must listen to that anxiety that lies beneath the surface. It is telling me something.

I wasn't sure what to write next so I walked away and made my lunch. New, fresh and less in-the-moment thoughts came to me.

At times when I've been looking for a lost item, I have found if I stop, walk away and distance myself from the cycle of looking-where-I-have-already-looked, it freshens my perspective. When I return, I have new ideas of where else I could be looking. It doesn't always work but it has worked enough times to remind me this is a good strategy.

I have many hitting-a-wall moments in my numbers work. The best thing I can do is to walk away and take myself out of the cycle of thinking-the-same-thoughts and doing the same thing over and over again, hoping to come up with the answer. Definition of insanity? All the above. My solution at times like this? This could be a good time to look for that item I couldn't find earlier.

Before hitting the "send" button on a text or email ... before hastily dialing a phone while purely in a "reaction" mode, it is best to pause first. Do I do this all of the time? Anyone who has read text messages my phone has auto-corrected can vouch that I do not. When a message is of a delicate or important nature, I try ...

When I have been hurt by words that someone has said, I try not to add fuel to the fire by reacting in kind. I say very little to nothing in those moments. But my thoughts fester when I cannot react. In the moment or after the fact. Pausing is okay. Stifling one's thoughts in the hope that there won't be a repeat offence takes me back to my days of being married. By not taking a stand, my actions were misunderstood as acceptance and I laid the groundwork for the scenario to replay time and time again.

While I am practising "pausing before reacting", I must remember action without the fuel of emotions guiding me is the ultimate goal. Inaction is different than pausing.

They say to take a deep breath and think before reacting in emotionally fuelled situations. Pause before taking action. But don't forget to act.

Turning Down the Connections

I attempted to take a mini-break from technology this past weekend so my promise (to myself) to blog regularly suffered in the wake of my weekend off. Nothing stopped me from grabbing a pen and paper to write regardless of my Internet disconnection, except for a lack of words. Writing without purpose is equivalent to speaking when you have nothing to say. Perhaps I should take a break more often.

Instead of wasting a day on the computer, I opened a book. Actually two books. I read. All day. It was wonderful. I think I need to do this more regularly, to regain a longer attention span. The computer, the Internet, social media and the instant communication devices we have in our possession these days have resulted in my attention span being equivalent to that of a gnat. My thoughts flit, flop and fly away. I can't hold onto what I was thinking a moment ago and little things are escaping me on a regular basis. Something has to change.

Reading is more time consuming than playing on the computer but I believe it is a better investment of time. Yes, I could (and did) put my book down at any point of the day but I was reading a book that completely captivated my interest and I had no desire leave the story that was unfolding before me.

My enjoyment of the day I was living resulted in me turning down an invitation I had time to over-think. I know I should have accepted the invitation for what it was and simply showed up. The more I lost myself in my day, my book and the moment I was in, the less desire I had to pry myself out of the house and interject myself in an uncomfortable social setting. I took the easy way out. I backed myself out of the commitment and stayed home.

I much prefer my invitations to be of the "Want to meet for lunch in half an hour?" variety. Which I received on the second day of the weekend.

As much as I was enjoying my second book, I hesitated but a moment to get dressed and join the day in progress. No time to over-think. No time to even think. Just go with the moment. It is my favorite way to go.

This was followed by another small request which was just as easy to say "yes". "I'm on my way over, would you mind if I came for supper ...". The mantra "If I cook it, they will come" ran through my thoughts as I easily said "yes" and turned the oven a little higher to speed up the cooking process.

My guest had one final request - a cup of coffee. Caffeinated. Who am I to let someone caffeinate on their own!? So I had a jolt of energy late in the day which resulted in the ambition, motivation and desire to mow the lawn once I was home alone again.

I didn't quite turn "off" my technological devices. I simply turned them down. I sat still with my thoughts and in the aftermath of the weekend I do have a few words which have accumulated in my word bank. I'll be back ...

Good Morning

These were the very first words I read this morning: "I just wanted to let you know how thankful I am for your friendship..."

Let me backtrack before I go forward with this thought.

I haven't been jumping out of bed these bright and early mornings. No good excuse. I believe I'm just being lazy with my gratitude.

I grabbed a notebook and wrote down my worries-of-the-moment and the inevitable outcomes of  what runs through my thoughts on a constant loop. No outcome is good except to keep following the course I'm on.

I'm grateful for everything that is weighing me down. I simply feel heavy under its weight. Thus? Mornings feel hard.

Fast forward to this morning.

I awoke to two bright and early text messages. Signs from the universe [okay, okay, it was just a cell phone connection] that someone in the world happened to be thinking of me as they stepped into their day.

It is such a small thing. "I'm thinking of you" kinds of messages are such an easy thing to do. One never quite knows what is happening on the other end of the greetings we send out to the world.

If you are thinking of someone, let them know. You never know what is weighing them down. Other times, you may know what another is facing and feel like nothing you can say or do is enough. You could reach out and stone cold silence may be the response you receive, but the moment I wrote those words, I think of the words I have heard on more than one occasion. "Thank you for not giving up on me" ... "Thank you for writing" ... "I found your message exactly when I needed to read it" ...

I write this and know I'm not following my own advice. Perhaps this is what is weighing me down the most. I know it is truly the smallest of things that make the biggest differences. Am I doing my fair share within this world of mine?

I'm doing what I can. We all are. We never quite know what our day will bring. This can be a good thing or not.

When the weight of the world feels as though it is sitting on my shoulders, I know I must look up and out of the moment I'm in. I need to look up. I need to find the blessings within any given situation. I'm my own worst enemy when my thoughts turn negative. I know this. What I do with this insight is up to me.

Sometimes we need to sit in the moment. Listen to the silence. Listen to the sound of our own heart. Literally. Figuratively. Be still. Be still and know...

The trouble is, I don't get much done in my stillness. Cat hair is amassing as I sit. Maybe I need to revise that advise. Get busy. Get busy and figure it out!

Good morning to you! May you get the encouraging sign you most need to find. Look for the signs. Sometimes they are hidden. But usually, if you look hard enough you can find what you need to see.

Mis-Communication 101

My youngest son and I recently had a conversation which would have been interesting to hear, from the outside, listening in. I was chattering away, knowing (in my own mind) what I was talking about. Meanwhile, my son was very quiet. I now believe he thought if I just kept talking, he would eventually figure out what I was saying.

As I have mentioned before, the main floor of our home is in a state of chaos and confusion to those who have not walked in my shoes. Not only have I held onto a good grip of where I've moved everything but I am finding things which have been lost to me for a very long time.

Thus, I was describing the temporary home of our pot holders. I opened the cupboard door, told my son I had moved them and pointed to their new location. He was very quiet, so I tried hanging them from their original hanging spot while continuing to ramble on about the pot holder's new home. It was then, that the cloud of misunderstanding lifted. "Oh, that is what you are talking about? I was going to ask if they were under the oven mitts." Apparently, I use the term pot holders and oven mitts interchangeably, when indeed my son was correct.

We chuckled and moved on through our conversation.

He was a captive audience to my rambling due to the fact that he was boiling up some spaghetti noodles. He has done this once before but that was a very long time ago. So I was bestowing everything I know about boiling noodles as he made his way through his second maiden voyage in this new terrain. "I usually add just a bit of oil to the water to keep the noodles from sticking together..." When he asked how much, I answered as anyone who is is as skilled as I, in the art of culinary expertise, "Oh, just a glug or so." There was an undetectable silence which filled the air.

Then came the need for a plate for his spaghetti and meat sauce creation. He pulled a plate out of the cupboard, covered in reno-dust. New to us reno dust. I told him, "Just give the plate a swoosh and it'll be fine".

At this point, my son shook his head with a smile. "A swoosh? .... A glug? ... Pot holders? ..." He commented on how hard it was to follow the directions on the box when I was giving him all of this added information in a lingo he didn't comprehend.

We laughed.

Then I recalled the time I made barley soup with Mom. She found a recipe that sounded good and she kept adding "what she would do" to the instructions. Then she tuckered out on me and I was left with a half prepared batch of soup, with half the instructions being those from Mom which did not correspond with the written recipe. I was so lost.

Hmmm ... maybe I have a bit of Mom interwoven into me in ways I would have never guessed. I smiled as I told my son the barley soup story.

Life goes around and back. We find traces of who we are, within those who have been a part of our lives. The lingo, the unspoken words and little things learned along the way. They lie beneath the surface and make an appearance when you least expect them.

I have so many stories to tell Mom. This little ditty would have made my weekly letter to her. And she would have known all my lingo. We spoke the same language, Mom and I.

This memory is for you, Mom.

Re-Syncing Our Clocks

I had to replace the batteries in Mom's clock yesterday morning. Then I had to reset the clock this morning in order to re-sync the correct number of chimes with the hour. When the clock didn't reset itself overnight, I wanted to do what Mom would have done. I wanted to call my brother ...

It has been nine months since Mom died. The battery life left in her clock. Yet time just keeps moving onward.

There have been times when I have been out of sync with this forward motion of living, much like Mom's clock. I was stuck in some places longer than necessary. The days were moving forward but I was falling behind.

There is so much to do at first, so your heart doesn't catch up to your reality immediately. I think my heart caught up with our new reality in the dead of winter.

Spring had the ability to reset the clock and put my heart and head in sync with each other again.

I still think of Mom lots. I would have asked her to clarify so many answers for me if she was still here. I wonder what she was thinking and feeling when her ability to conquer what ailed her started to decline. I asked her so many questions at the time. I guess what I wonder the most is what she was going through physically.

Her motto was "mind over matter" and near the end, she even commented that perhaps she could beat the odds. "They do make mistakes you know..." There was the time when she seemed to say aloud what she only meant to think "I have so much to live for ..." This is slightly paraphrased but what I understood her to say is that she had a good life and she was willing to fight the good fight (or at least not show weakness).

I feel like I'm back in real time again. I let my mind wander and wonder but I don't stay there. I have subconsciously hit the "reset" button and I'm living one day at a time, savoring the small stuff, honoring memories and working on making some new ones.

So I called out (okay, I texted) to my brother last night. It had nothing to do with the clock. It had everything to do with simply touching base and checking in. Mom would have wanted to know how things were, so I checked in. In a "Mom" kind of way. I did the same with my Oldest Son.

Mom would have chided me, "You didn't call!!?" she would ask me incredulously at times when I let too much time elapse between check ins.

I feel Mom tapping me on my shoulder and reminding me to check in. Checking in keeps you in sync with "real time". Checking in keeps you present. Checking in keeps you from checking out.

My check in with my brother ended with us looking toward some future plans. My side of the conversation ended with the words "Thank you. I am eternally grateful." And I was. More than he knew.

At the start of our conversation, I was feeling so very hesitant about our upcoming trip. By the end of it, I was starting to anticipate and (dare I say) look forward to it.

I'm so very glad I checked in. That check-in re-synced me once again. My morning thoughts of wanting to call my brother turned out to be exactly what I needed to do.

Thanks, Mom. I needed that check-in more than I knew.

The Need for Acknowledgement

I posted a family photo on Facebook a few days ago and was quickly reminded why I have tried to avoid that addictive little site.

Moments after the picture was posted, I received a few "likes". Comments, more likes and several more comments followed shortly thereafter.

Like an addict who just needs one more "fix", I was drawn back into the site to see if I had heard from any more of my friends.

I use the term "friends" rather loosely in the context of Facebook. Yes, I do have a few of my very good friends, close family members and people who truly matter to me within my group of friends on Facebook.

I also have mere acquaintances and a few people I don't even know (thanks to my inept scrolling abilities on a new phone one time, I accidentally hit "Friend request" while reading some of my friend's posts and they politely accepted me).

There is a lot I like about Facebook.

I have found a few friends from school who I used to be close to. I have a friend who has (on the rare occasion) posted a cryptic status update and I knew I had to call to check in with her. It is nice to keep up with family and friends via pictures and follow the happenings of their lives by what they post.

It is the addiction factor that turns me away from this site.

I removed the app from my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to scroll just for something to do. I unfollowed everyone on my page so my Facebook feed isn't filled with updates. I have to manually go in and check in on my friends.

I enjoy finding inspirational quotes and sites within a Facebook feed. I love when an animal video brings a smile to my face. I enjoy when a positive following becomes a show of support and an online cheering section spontaneously ignites.

I like that I can message and follow my son when he heads off for his solo winter vacations across the world.

I am eternally grateful for the Facebook auction sites which helped me sell of excess daycare and household belongings around here. Facebook, you have more than paid for yourself in my eyes.

I like more than I dislike about Facebook and that is the reason my account remains active. I am chiming off a list of that which I don't enjoy in my mind right now but I refuse to give the negative its due and spend my energy there.

But personally? For me and me alone? What I do not like is Facebook's addictive quality. The need for acknowledgement is not something I want to encourage within myself.

I have spent a lifetime learning how to reach out to people. The times of great quiet serve a purpose. It is sometimes good to sit and stew with one's inner demons. In the old days, I would be rescued from myself by a making a phone call, writing a letter or a visiting with someone.

I miss those days. I know it is so much easier now to reach out and "phone a friend" so many ways. Sending off a text, an email or a cryptic Facebook status draws people into your world. Sometimes it is too easy. I've pressed the panic button one too many times. Premature texting is not a good thing.

I miss the face-to-face connections but I'm grateful for the ease of reaching out and touching base with someone. I just don't want to start score keeping. I don't want to base my own personal happiness on how many friends or likes or comments I get on Facebook. It is like a quick fix. It feels good in the moment but the emptiness is more hollow in the aftermath, thus you go searching for more.

I stopped "writing out loud" for these reasons. My writing became less about writing from the heart and more about writing for acceptance. I need to find that acceptance within myself, from a place where it can't be counted or seen by the masses.

The question I am now asking myself is "If this is the way I feel, why am I writing here?"

I am writing here because it makes me accountable. It makes me show up (almost) every morning. It forces me to just write, even when I think I have nothing to say. Writing out loud helps me focus on the positives and keeps me from whining and complaining.

My inner thoughts have been rather whiny lately. I'm trying to change that. It's not as easy as it once was. I don't know if it is because I'm in new territory or if it's because I'm lonely or if I'm just plain tired. I don't know much these days. All I know for sure is that I am not going to keep score through Facebook. There must be a better way!

Extra Special Connections

I have spent the better part of the past few days reaching out to those who I have been thinking about. The list isn't long nor inclusive of all of those who have been creeping into my thoughts. But the outcome of these conversations are nothing short of miraculous.

I sent off a quick message which ended with the words "I'm at home if it's easier to chat", which resulted in a conversation which was a gift.

I have been talking too much, not listening enough nor asking open ended questions to open the door for deeper conversation. All I asked was "And how are YOU?" and I was on the receiving end of a story which I'm grateful to have heard.

I thought of a friend whose birthday I thought I had missed, but due to my confusion over dates lately, I had actually remembered her on the exact day of her birthday. By the time I was home and the thought of her birthday crossed my mind again, I thought I was too late. But I picked up the phone and called anyway. I said little and she volunteered so much. It turned out to be a perfectly timed call and I was so grateful I didn't talk myself out of picking up the phone.

I thought of my mom, looked at the clock and thought it could be a good time to call. She literally had one shoe on and was almost ready to walk out the door when the phone rang. Normally this would lead to a very abbreviated conversation but not this time. We had the most cheerful conversation and she didn't seem to be in any hurry to end the call.

I thought of my uncle while I was writing my cousin. I quickly wrapped up my email and called my uncle before I talked myself out of the idea. He heard my voice and replied, "You won't believe this but just as you called, I was reading your name ..."  How is that for an Extra Special Connection?! (Hmm ... I actually thought those initials were going to be ESP, but you get my drift).

I was thinking of a friend and then noticed an update on her Facebook page that her father-in-law had recently passed away so I think she was also sending out an ESC (Extra Special Connection) message to me which I received and responded to.

Keep your ears to the ground, follow up on those niggling little thoughts to reach out and contact someone. You will never know how often you are being thought of unless you take the chance, reach out and call ... only to be greeted with the words, "I was just thinking of you!" Trust me when I say, I truly believe people are speaking the truth when they greet you that way. Extra Special Connections are just waiting to be made.

Staircase to Destiny

I have noticed a shifting of the tides as extreme budgeting is my focus and rules my decisions. The less I have, the richer I feel. That sounds like a contradiction but to me it makes perfect sense.

When money isn't an object, I spend freely and there always seems to be a quiet ache for that which is just barely out of reach. While I am in a spending mode, I never have quite enough because I'm always wanting for just a little bit more than I have.

What I have found during this Time of Great Restraint is that there is very little (other than the ongoing need to buy groceries, gas, pay the bills and maintain that which we already have) that I actually want for. We have so much, that we are selling, giving and throwing away much of what we already have.

We have moved so much "stuff" out of this house and I am still feeling slightly overwhelmed at the fact that there are so many untouched rooms, closets and drawers yet to go. Not to mention the garage and playhouse. I can't even think about my memory boxes and paperwork.

As I have waded through the excess, I have often found myself wondering "How sparsely can we live?"

At one point this past year I made the offer to pack up and move out to Mom's if she would have felt more comfortable with another adult living under her roof. I woke up with the idea one morning and it made perfect sense.

I am at a stage of my life where I'm ready to make a change, I'm flexible, my children are adults and almost fully independent. Almost. The word that changed everything. Almost independent.

Yes, my youngest son is "almost" there. So close, but yet so far.

As I've been wading through the belongings within our home I keep mentioning my idea of living downstairs and renting out the main floor. Or variations of that idea. Conversations with my youngest son aren't what they used to be. But I keep chattering and I am always just a little bit surprised that he is still listening after all of these years.

I got talking about retirement living and Mom's take on the concept. I told my son how Mom felt about it and how much she wants to keep living independently in her home. And because that is so important to her, I told my son "that" is part of the reason I want to change what I'm doing. If it ever comes to the point where Mom cannot live alone, I want to be able to be flexible enough to move out to help.

We had this conversation while I was assisting him in putting his items up for sale this week. My actions are starting to rub off on him and he has joined me on this mission to lighten the load around here. He cleared out a tremendous amount of his belongings. One garbage bag full of garbage, several giveaway items and he listed more items for sale. His total proceeds after two weeks is $103.50 so he is accumulating a little spending money for his efforts. He ended up with an entire storage container emptied out, an empty drawer and a few empty shelves. He utilized one empty shelf to display some of his creative works and yesterday he said he wanted to get rid of this project from his theatre arts class:

I listed it on Kijiji under "Free Stuff" and it has been re-homed as of 7:00 this morning.

Change is in the air within our little world. I am actively reshuffling my life and in the process, my son has joined me.

I'm not too good at this "adult parenting" thing. There is a fine line between "when to push", "when to back off", "when to but in", "when to quietly suggest" and know "what to say".

Perhaps this was a very good time for me to upend my world. I hope I'm modelling the fact that "change" is terrifying but necessary. Sometimes we have no idea where things are going to go but we know they cannot stay as they are and have been.

I'm wandering through my days in survival mode. Cut backs in spending have been almost imperceptible. In fact, I am thinking maybe I haven't cut back at all because life feels very, very comfortable at the moment.

I have accidentally stumbled into a place where I needed to be. Now that my conversations with my son are not about strategies, tools, ideas and coping mechanisms about how to survive in my role as a daycare provider, we have started talking about new and different things. Our conversations made it easier to recognize what to say, when to say it and where to gently push.

It's going to be okay. We are building wings here under this roof of ours. It's hard work. We need room to fly, so we are making it. I was lost in how to parent this almost independent child of mine and I accidentally stumbled onto a way to make room for conversations to happen, brainstorming to take place and open up a whole wide world of possibilities.

The quiet place of "knowing" has not yet occurred but each and every day, waking up and simply doing "the next right thing" is helping us find our way. One step in a forward direction will start to take us where we need to go.

My deep rooted quest to simplify, live small and create a world where I could pack myself up and move exactly where I need to be seems to be at the root of every move I make.  Part of what I need to move forward, is to help my son find his wings. We are lightening our loads and we will soon be able to fly.

There is a richness that has seeped into our living that money can't buy. It comes from letting go of what doesn't matter, holding onto what is important, building and rebuilding and maintaining the foundation of our home (which is less about repairing windows, weather stripping and teeth and more about family) and taking one small step in a forward direction. One step at a time. We are doing this. We don't know where our staircase is leading but there is a sense of "knowing" that we are headed in the right direction.

"Trade your expectation for appreciation and the world changes instantly." ~ Tony Robbins

Hard Conversations

I feel like I've been creating my own special brand of drama over here in my small corner of the world.

In a nutshell, I was in a position where I was caught in a place where I could do and say nothing, then complain endlessly about a situation which was worsening instead of getting better. Or, I could say something and let the cards fall as they may.

The cards fell and I'm not certain what can be salvaged. But I am very relieved that I said "something". My daycare business has taught me a very good lesson in all things life related. I am the one who is in control here. If I choose to say nothing, then I'd better be prepared to deal with things not changing. If I want things to change, I am the one who must take the initiative and start hard conversations.

The day was a tough one. I called myself "Schmuck" for the duration of said day. Then at the end of the same day, there was a meeting of the minds and I felt it was better that I had said something, rather than leaving things go on the way they were. I forgave myself and dubbed myself "Un-Shmucked" and carried on.

Then I went to live another day.

That day would be yesterday. Granted, it was one of the easiest daycare days I have had in a while but there was such a sense of peace and relief within me. All day (well, there were a few moments during our "un-quiet" quiet time that I lost my cool). But the peace returned. Immediately.

I had done the right thing.

Sometimes hard conversations have to be had. It is risky business. Saying what is on your mind without offending, hurting or starting a back lash of accusations and words that can't be unsaid is a very real possibility.

Thankfully, my world seems to be full of people who don't lash out at me. That hasn't always been my reality and I know that situation could change on a dime. But as a rule, I have found if there isn't an accusatory tone and the wording is more about "how this is affecting me" and stating my limitations without pointing a finger and saying "You need to do this or else" (or wording that implies that), things don't (usually) escalate to a point of no return.

All I know for sure is that I am very relieved to have laid my issues and concerns on the table. I have stated my limitations and have a "check in" point stated. I have a game plan and have asked for assistance in the short term. Then we will go forward from there.

My brave new world starts "today". My daycare is officially full. Every day. All day. I am struggling with three out of five of my little people so I have hired my son to help me through the mornings for the next three weeks. Then I will be on holidays and have time to regroup, rest and hopefully be ready to carry on as planned.

I have fretted and stewed and complained long enough. It is time to make a move. Perhaps that time was six months ago but I didn't have a full house then. I do now. It is a scary new world.

I write these words and I am reminded of those who are dealing work situations far worse than my own. My friend's husband was laid off work this week due to a work shortage in the oil industry. They have barely bounced back from his last lay off a few years ago. Another friend's employer laid off 300 people in their workplace and their plant has shut down.

I have so often said that if lack of money is the worst of our troubles, we are very lucky indeed. Let me rephrase that. If we have enough money to pay our bills effortlessly we are richer than many, luckier than most and blessed to not be in a position where we are scrambling to keep on top of our expenses.

I am feeling pretty fortunate.

Living a Distracted Life

I returned from a three day weekend at my mom's to a phone and computer full of messages to return. I had one phone message, two text messages, one email, one Facebook message and had to initiate two other "conversations".

For the sake of simplicity, I decided to send off one message to two sisters. That seemed the most time effective, least intrusive and expedient way to pass along the message Mom wanted me to tell them. Mom would be aghast that I did not pick up the phone and call. Please don't tell her.

This set off a flurry of follow up texts as I "conversed" with each of my sisters at the same time. At the same time this was going on, I also texted one of my daycare parents telling her it would be fine if she brought her son to daycare the next day. We also conversed via text a few times before we put an end to that conversation.

I had one text, inviting me to phone the next afternoon at 5:30. Before I knew if I was free at 5:30, I actually had to pick up the phone and talk with my bookkeeping boss to confirm our plans to work the next day. When it was decided that "yes" we were working, I told her I was going to make a call first and I would be slightly delayed. Whew! Two decisions made with one conversation. I had one more text to send though.

Then came an invitation to go see a movie I wanted to see. The movie listings only went up to Thursday so could I "commit" to seeing a movie after having to work one night this week? Tough decision. Finally I found the words to say "yes" to the movie, but maybe we could see if a Sunday matinee would be a viable option when they listed the upcoming weekend's schedule.

I barely made that monumental decision (all of these "yes" or "no" and commitments and conversations falling upon my shoulders the minute I got home felt harder than they needed to feel) when another friend contacted me about attending an upcoming concert to see one of our favorite singer/songwriters. "Tickets go on sale on Friday!", but the event doesn't take place for two more months so that was a much easier "yes".

I walked in the door at approximately 5:30. I sent off my first text at 5:39 p.m. and made my last outbound contact at 8:49 p.m. Three hours of "conversations" with seven different people with need to make five decisions tapped out the last of my resources and I was more than ready to call it a day at the end of it all.

I find it so hard to say "Yes!" to life these days. It is even harder at the end of three days away from home. But I did it. I said "Yes!" to all five invitations, requests and suggestions. And it was good.

How did we do this back in the day when we relied solely on a telephone to communicate? I had four text message conversations going on simultaneously, with half written responses to two other people going on in my head at the same time. The only person who got my undivided attention was the person I talked with on the phone. Is it any wonder that my mom is exasperated with those who can't sit still and focus on ONE conversation, with ONE person without a blasted cell phone in their pocket that is driving them to distraction?

My mind was all over the map and I couldn't wait to shut down and turn off all means of communication. I'm grateful it was so easy to reach out to so many, make many decisions and have conversations that needed to be had. But now that I sit still with all of that "noise" of those three hours of my life, I feel badly for butting into line in too many people's lives.

Emails seem "polite". People read and respond to them when they have time. They are a little bit like an unopened letter sitting on the kitchen table waiting patiently for the recipient to have time to sit still and enjoy the visit when it works for them.

I used to think a telephone was rude and intrusive. You drop everything when the phone rings. Not so much these days. With call display and answering machines, it is becoming easier to "take a message and get back to you later".

But cell phones and texting? I know I should give them the same priority as an email but I can't. A text message invites an immediate response. Unless I'm driving, I usually heed that call. I am as disgusted in myself as my mom would be if she knew the extent that blasted little phone runs my life.

It is good to be "connected". But at what cost? I barely spoke to my son and acknowledged our cats when I got home from a three day absence. Granted, my son made the first move and headed downstairs with his supper. I assume he was in the middle of an "important" on-line game, which has become a priority far too much of the time. But who am I to judge? Look at the example I am setting.

I'm grateful I am not shying away from technology but it has crossed a line. It has become all too consuming within my life. I am the only one who can make the decision to turn off or ignore those little beeps and twirps and whatever other noises that phone makes to distract me from the moment I'm living in.

I would go and turn off that little attention grabber right now, if it wasn't the preferred method of communication within all of my daycare families. I'm glad our land line phone isn't ringing off the hook but that has come at a cost. The question is what is the price of an undistracted conversation these days? It has become a precious commodity.

Processing the World of Words

I have had precious few words in me lately and even less time that I choose to invest in writing down my trivial and repetitive thoughts-of-the--day. Too many to-do-lists posts, not enough substance created a need to shut off my word supply.

Speaking of words, I wrote a post about "words" over at MyKarwatha.com today. Feel free to follow me over there: http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6368060-processing-the-world-of-words/

Guilty as Charged - Misdemeanors of an Electronic Kind

I woke up on "guilt" this morning and I am not even going to put words to my thoughts because I know the only way to rid myself of guilty feelings is to act. The moment I take action or talk my way through, the thoughts will lose their power and this will become one of a million non-events in the history of my thoughts.

I hate knowing I've done wrong or could have handled a situation ever-so-much better. Because the moment I hear the other guy's perspective, I feel defensive. I feel like I am the one who has been wronged when I start defending my actions.

I hate waking up in the middle of the night feeling an unresolved conversation playing out in my mind. As much as I tried to talk myself down, reminding myself I will forget this feeling as soon as both parties have had a chance to talk, I couldn't rid myself of the thoughts that kept waking me up.

In the old days, a person would have had a two way conversation on the phone or in person. A minor little non-event or misunderstanding would be lost in the events of the day because both people would have had a chance to speak and listen and resolve the emotions-of-the-moment on the spot.

Nowadays, a person can send a text or message or email to voice a concern. This has its benefits because you have time to weigh your thoughts and your words carefully and "without emotion" (this is debatable because sometimes the words chosen do not depict the reality of what you are trying to say).

Then the other person can respond in kind. Or ... (and why didn't I think of this last night??) one could still always pick up the phone and chat. Just to clear the air and have that interplay of words without trying to read between the lines.

As I said, the "event" is really nothing. The "feelings" are what are bothering me. I responded to the query and didn't receive a confirmation of "It's okay" in return. You sit in cyber wonderland and wonder if your words were received in the manner they were sent.

Mom is right again. This whole "texting" and "messaging" and non-personal, non-interactive generation could so easily go down the tubes. Just because of a few ill chosen words. You really have to know a person to communicate without the aid of body language and all the cues you get when you listen to the inflection of a person's tone. Smiley faces and "laugh out loud" notations just don't get the point across well enough (especially when a person thinks LOL means "lots of love" and sends a "LOL" message after hearing someone's bad news) at times.

This whole non-event should have been a three minute conversation. One where you see the other guy's smile or sheepish look when they have done something another may have misunderstood. One where the other guy had a chance to respond and offer the chance for further clarification. One where a minor little thing (I am probably the only party who lost sleep over this, but then again maybe not - otherwise why wouldn't there have been that smiley face or thumbs up or "It's okay" message to tie up our virtual conversation?).

A little thing has become bigger than it needed to be. I am equally responsible for things unfolding the way they did. Thus, my guilt.

[Insert sheepish grin here]

I know it will be okay. I know it without a doubt. I just need to hear the other side of the conversation.

Cat Chat

Last night, my Youngest Son and I spent time just hanging out and enjoying the antics of Junior Cat as he played 'catch'. This went on and on and on... and on.

Please excuse the quality of this video (my camera only works well under natural lighting conditions)

As this scene played out and after it (finally) ended, my son and I just sat on the floor and chatted.

I cannot remember the last time My Youngest and I sat down for some good old 'cat chat'. It is a little tradition that has happened between us without forethought or planning. It is a special time when we just gaze at our cats and little bits and pieces of our day come out as we sit on the floor and admire our little furry critters.

I have been overwhelmed with the book project and reunion planning. My son has been overwhelmed with school homework, assignments and looming deadlines. 

I have looked at my son and saw myself. Too serious. Too focused. Forgetting to enjoy the little moments. Just too wrapped up in his/my own head and forgetting to look up and look out.

Our cats are a most excellent conversational tool in our home. We sit and marvel at their antics the way others may gaze into a fire. They bring us out of our heads and into the moment.

Cat Chat is our bonding time. I have missed it. It was an amazing way to spend an evening.

It feels good to be back...

Closing Windows

If you want to know the state of my mind these days, all you have to do is glance at our computer screens and you will see how cluttered or scattered or tidy my thoughts are - by the amount of windows I have 'open'. Then multiply that by three because I have Wi-Fi access on my cell phone and net book as well. It is hard 'closing all of those windows' at the same time. Which is perhaps why my days of 'severed connections' were a much needed lesson for me.

I have spent two hours this morning running (okay, I am only ambling) around the house tying up loose ends.

• Finish daycare blog post
• Wash sheets and make bed; fold laundry; put away
• Read meters and submit reading
• Reply to email
• Copy and paste Family History email into document
• Change Facebook password (possibility of being hacked after 'friending' someone who was already a friend; please let me know if you receive a second 'Friend' request from me!)
• Wish prior Daycare Daughter a happy birthday
• Print off coupon for bonus AirMiles
• Deposit daycare income and update spreadsheets (pay bills another day)
• Empty dishwasher; tidy kitchen clutter
• Give Senior Cat his pill
• Get ready to run out the door to put in Day #1 of my two-day Bookkeeping Weekend

I think that I have quite literally 'closed all of my windows'. On the computer and off of it. I am trying to empty the clutter of my mind so that I can come home to a clean slate tonight (I went and did at least three more things after I wrote that sentence). 

I have a bad case of (too many) Open Window(s) Syndrome. My thoughts are pinging around in my head like the tangled web that I weave when I follow a link on the computer. I read one thing and I follow that thought to a new web page. I read that and my thoughts divert to two other things; then three more; and another unrelated thought over here. "I will just 'open this window' right now so that I remember to follow through on this thought later" is the constant refrain in my mind (I just went and followed through on another unrelated thought as I wrote this).

Our home has a terminal case of 'open windows'. My family Book Project; the never-ending list of things to be cleaned, repaired, replaced, donated, thrown away, ... (and the list goes on); people I should call, email or write; little adventures that I should/could plan; birthdays/holidays/deaths/occasions that should elicit some outbound contact (yes, there is another sympathy card sitting on the kitchen table that requires a 'personal touch' before I mail it off)...

Such is life. My story is no different than anyone else's. Perhaps it is multiplied by the fact that I am far too connected to this world of ours. 

It used to be that any time you walked out of your door, all 'connections' were severed. You ran your errands, had lunch with a friend or took a vacation and turned off everything except what (or who) was right in front of you. "Thank you", cell phones (I write sarcastically). You stole that freedom from us!

Okay. Cell phones became the norm. For almost everyone (thanks, Mom for holding out on this one; you are my idol). Then came texting. One would think that a text is akin to an email. Even if you know it is there, you should not feel obligated to read it until you are alone and have the time. NO! That doesn't happen. Text messages take much too high of a priority in many cases (mine included and even my sister confessed that she feels much the same). Texting has become the new 'let me butt into the line of your life and become your number one priority'. Texts, you are so rude. I abhor you. Yet I love you. Thank you for letting me receive those urgent messages when I need them (I am not being sarcastic here).

Add a phone data plan to that? And you have 'me' (even though all I have is a WiFi connection). Far, far, far too connected. Outside in the back yard? I can read my emails. Driving past an open WiFi connection? My phone will pick it up and beep at me, to tell me I have an unread message. Sitting on the couch and spending 'quality time' winding down with my Daycare Crew before nap time? I can often be found lurking my Facebook page in lieu of watching the Berenstain Bears for the twenty eighth time. And the list goes on.

"TURN IT OFF, GIRL" shouted my internet connection to me. Time and time again this week. But what happened the moment I was hooked back to all of my services? I was at the computer or on my phone checking to see what I had missed while I was away.

I am officially shutting all of my windows and walking out of this door. If I am very smart (I am not), I will not start opening them the minute I walk back in. 

I need to change this habit. But I am hooked. I am so beyond hooked. I am addicted. 

There is a part of me that enjoyed our period of Forced Silence. I think that I should incorporate this into my day. An hour at a time. Then work up to a day. And beyond. Sometimes? I like to listen to my own thoughts and the thoughts of those around me. 

Just for today. I will turn it all off. At least until I finish my work day...

Severed Connections

The world seems to be sending me a message lately and I must not be heeding its wisdom. Because the lesson keeps being repeated.

We lost our internet, cable and telephone services several mornings ago. Our address was the only one affected so it considered an isolated event. Though we were put on a high priority cancellation list we could have been without services for up to three days. Thank goodness for cancellations because our wait time was cut by a third. But it was a long and rather squirmish twenty eight hours.

I learned a few things while our services were out. I think I like myself and my actions a little better when I am disconnected from life-outside-of-these doors.

I tend to do more productive things with my idle time. Yesterday I washed down a few walls and washed the screen doors. I finished reading a book. I was in the moment and not living-outside-my-life by taking on the world and all of its thoughts, troubles and perceptions.

I rather enjoyed our evening of disconnection. No internet meant that I had the main computer to myself for the evening. I had some writing projects to tend to. If our disconnection would have continued it would have been an ideal time to clean up the clutter within this computer. I have many ways to keep myself busy that tend to get finished sooner when I am not continually distracting myself by checking on emails, Facebook and following the path the internet may take me when I sit down to check out one piece of information.

My son and I had the opportunity to sit down and simply enjoy some Cat Chat time. The light and easy, breezy conversation that happens when we sit and stare at our cats together. I have really missed that lately, as he has been consumed with on-line computer games since we became owners of an up-to-date computer. I suppose that I should take a hint and realize how I have quietly resented the computer dominating his attention this past while. Take a hint, girl. This is how others see you when you are busy checking emails, updating blogs and working on various spreadsheets, writing projects and simply frittering away your time on the World Wide Web.

In the wake of Robin Williams death, I am almost certain that I would have immersed myself in all of the media coverage. Though there were so very many wonderful and thought provoking things written and said (which I read when I was able to reconnect with the world last night), sometimes it is simply nice to think your very own thoughts without outside influence. And (as an extreme over-sharer) it is equally important to simply listen to your own thoughts without feeling the need to put them all out on display. I am sure some of my reflections will trickle out of my fingertips as time moves on but after reading so very many people's words, I simply feel it is not right or respectful of me to join in on that particular bandwagon. Not right now.

I seemed to think that opportunity was trying to call or email me while I was on this unplanned sabbatical. I was so intensely consumed with this notion, that I chose our take-out food restaurant by the ability to access their free Wi-Fi while I was waiting. Only to discover that the only email that was awaiting me was junk mail. Then at the tail end of this disconnection period, I found only one email of any importance. It was the same thing with the phone. My plea to the technician who was helping me troubleshoot our issues was "I run a daycare out of my home. It is important to have contact with the outside world. I really need phone service!" So she forwarded our calls from our home phone, to my cell phone. And guess who was trying to call? Someone giving away a 'free' cruise ...

The only call of importance that I received was the call from the technician who was in our neighborhood yesterday afternoon, calling to see if we were home so that he could remedy our problems.

Who knew? Twenty eight hours of disconnection and no one was trying to call. Yes, it is time to get over myself. Perhaps it is not the fear of not receiving incoming calls and emails that is my problem but the isolation that comes from not feeling like I could reach out and contact anyone myself. I had put off contacting a few people I-most-wanted-to-talk-with until today. Guess what? There was no answer. Communication is a two way street. Just because I was available and able to reach out, it didn't mean that anyone was there. It was an illusion all along.

I had a small backlog of things-to-do this morning since I handed the main computer over to my son last night. I thought that my quiet time before my daycare family arrived would give me plenty of time to tie up all loose ends. It would have been. If ... the power didn't go out!

I couldn't believe it. We just barely got reconnected with the world outside of our doors and a power outage severed all of our connections, along with lights, electricity and the ability to make my morning smoothie!

I went about my morning just knowing the power would turn back on at any given moment. I was grateful for many things during this power outage. My cell phone not only provides the up-to-date time, but it illuminates a room quite nicely in the dark. The longer the power stayed off, the more I realized that I should not waste the battery power on my cell phone. I lit some candles (note to self: buy more candles) and found gratitude in the fact that lack of power does not affect our ability to turn on the tap and be rewarded with water. Not only that, but the residual heat in the water heater allowed me to have a bath before I went out in search of my morning java.

As I drove down the street, I couldn't help but notice how isolated our power outage was. Lights were on across the street and straight down the block from us. It was just our side of the street, for a few blocks.

Okay, Universe, I hear you! But I still don't seem to be heeding your wisdom. The moment the power was restored I was back on the computer, submitting the columns that I had started to prepare before this period of disconnection. I checked my email (once again, to find a relatively empty inbox). I read the blogs that I follow.

I have been sitting at the computer (almost) ever since. But I have done a few important things. I have filled up the water jugs in the house and have them at-the-ready and I have charged all-that-needs-to-be-charged in case of a power outage. And I have done a load of laundry. One simply can't be too prepared.

Do I realize how inconsequential all-of-the-above is? Yes. These were simply minor inconveniences. Very minor. What if it wasn't 'just me' (or my block)? What if it wasn't as simple as calling a technician who would be dispatched as soon as possible? What if these issues (most importantly the power) weren't resolved within a few hours or a few days? What if I didn't have a cell phone (again - very minor in the whole scheme of things but crucial to the panic I felt when it seemed like my connection to the outside world was severed)?

As our Fair City is hitting record temperatures (a heat warning has been issued) today and air conditioners will be running in an attempt to keep things cool and tolerable we are so very fortunate. When all goes according to plan and we wake up to a world where power is a flick of a switch away, we come by water as easily as turning on tap and we are a phone call away from calling for help ... we are beyond wealthy.

Losing one's connection with the outside world feels isolating and lonely. If it were not for my cell phone I would have felt like Canada Post was my only hope of sending or receiving a signal from beyond my back yard. We have come a very long way in this world of ours. Is it possible to be too connected? I think so. I think that is the message the Universe is trying to send me. Unfortunately my phone and internet have been down so I have 'missed' its call.

Constructive Criticism

Why does one (very thoughtfully worded and said with the utmost respect) negative comment hold so much power? It wasn't even a negative comment. It was simply a truth that had to be spoken. Because we are not mind readers. Sometimes you really and truly have to say things out loud in order to be heard.

The comment was said in such an apologetic fashion that I should not have taken offence to it. But I did. I could feel my defence mechanisms kicking into high gear and my conscious mind knew that there was no reason to feel this way.

But it was the truth. That is the long and short of it. When someone tells me something that I already know and already feel guilty about, it stings.

I set high standards for myself. I am nowhere near the person that I aspire to be. I keep reaching but I never quite get there.

The inner dialogue that runs through my mind is so critical. I would never speak to another living soul the way that I speak to myself.

"That was good ... but this could be better"
"You should be more, do more and put yourself out there more"
"You should listen more, talk less"
"Focus! One thing at a time!!"
"Why can't you just finish what you started?!"
"You are lazy and unmotivated"
"You should be a better mom, babysitter, writer, friend, sister, daughter, friend....."
"You can't cook You don't even want to cook! What is wrong with you?"
"You should eat better, move more, sleep less, read more ..."
... and the list goes on and on and on.

Add this list to the expectations that I have within my Daycare Provider role and I am a bit of a time bomb, waiting to go off, if anyone says anything about the way that I do things.

Tending little people all day is a little bit tedious at times. So I do what is within my power to shake things up. Not only for the kids ... but (here is the selfish part) for ME.

We spent the better part of six months sequestered to the house and yard. So when spring finally arrived and the snow melted it opened up a whole new realm of possibilities. We have been going on little adventures whenever the opportunity arises.

A great part of these mini-adventures require my little 2-1/2 year old to be a willing participant and walk wherever the sidewalk takes us. So I have offered the reward of lunch at McDonald's to make it worth her while. And it has worked like a charm.

This was all good and fine when the McDonald outings were few and far between (we have done many things that have not resulted in a McDonald's treat at the end). But in the past two weeks, we have been able to go twice.

I must admit (and I am quite certain that this is where my guilt is rooted) that McDonald's is the biggest treat for ME. I don't have to come up with a menu. I don't have to cook or clean up. And I get to order what I want to eat! It is my way of giving myself a break.

Our daycare world has been shaken up just a little bit with the addition of a family that were pretty energetic and challenging to manage. And though that family has come and gone, we are now 'adopting' an new little 2-1/2 year old into our family. Our out-of-the-neighborhood outings may become a little bit more obsolete as life gets busier with our larger daycare family.

So yes, I did take the kids to McDonald's twice in two weeks.

And one of my parents (very carefully and with great remorse as she said the words) told me that they just don't approve of the McDonald's adventures. Once every few months? They could live with. But with an entire summer looming in our future and not knowing what my agenda may be for the months ahead ... she just had to say something.

I was utterly deflated.

McDonald's is the 'pot of gold' within the middle of a long daycare day sometimes. It is my gift to ME for doing 'good' and creating a diversity within the sameness of our days.

I told her that I appreciated her telling me. I would much rather her say something, than to quietly seethe and stew over it. Biting one's tongue seems to highlight all other areas of discontentment, so it is better to deal with one small thing at a time than to come back at me with a whole litany of complaints. This was the adult and right thing to do.

But it still stung.

Perhaps it is because it came at the tail end of our first +30 degree day. Despite all efforts to keep the kids in the shade and properly hydrated, I could tell that she was concerned about taking home an overheated child yesterday.

This is probably the deeper bone of contention.

Summer has not yet begun and already I am starting to feel new restraints being placed upon me. Absolutely nothing that I have not yet experienced and dealt with. Heat. Creating mini-adventures (that may or may not include a take-out meal) and new diversions to break up our weeks and months and help us to appreciate the simplicity of simply 'being home'.

My cabin fever is extending out of the winter season. This wasn't on my agenda. It isn't comfortable. And it all started by one person telling me a truth that I already knew.

The truth hurts. I recognize this. I acknowledge that it is my guilt that is playing havoc with my coping mechanisms. My personal motto is "Constructive criticism is welcome here". And it is the truth. It is welcome but it is a hard guest to entertain...

Missing in Action; Present in Life

I've been missing in action here this week. I cannot even tell you exactly where I have been. Other than I have still been here, doing the same old thing but feeling like I am not really ever catching up with my writing to-do-list.

One morning, I took a pain killer at 4 a.m., and decided to give myself the gift of resting until it kicked in. I stayed in bed until the very last minute and there was no time to write that morning. Sometimes, the need for sleep must supersede all else. Sleep when you are able. You never know when you may need to call on those reserves ...

Then that day took on a life of its own. Our family has faced another loss. My cousins have lost their mother. My uncle has lost his wife and his brother within seven weeks of another. Life is fragile. Treat it with care ...

I spent the next morning sending and returning emails. I had 'writing obligations' to meet. I had a house full of children to tend all day. Life happens. Sometimes all you can do is live in the moment and trust that it will take you where you most need to be ...

I have friends in crisis. One friend just found out her dad has cancer. Another friend is living with an adult child and their lives are in turmoil because his emotional state is upset. I have other friends who are sitting quietly in the sidelines with their own challenges. We had plans to get together this upcoming weekend but I had to cancel those plans. My friends are like sisters to me. Treat your friends like family - you never know just how much they may need a sibling ...

The morning after that, I was the middle-man in a text-to-email-translation between my sisters. One texts. The other emails (she is out of the country and can't send/receive texts at the moment). I was passing messages between the two of them because I have the ability to text and email (my texting sister can also email - it is just that her grandson removed eight keys off of her computer keyboard and she has to use the little white stubs to type). When my sisters do manage to find a means of communication that does not involve me, I will miss the interaction. It has been a great form of entertainment this week. Oh, the little things. They make me smile ...

I sent off a few emails 'just because'. The words were in me and I had to do something with them. I believe it was the right thing to do because I received (almost) immediate responses. I had been scolding myself because I was not following my own advise of calling/emailing/dropping by to see someone when you are thinking of them. When I finally followed through and 'just did it', I knew it was the right thing to do. When your thoughts keep taking you to the same person and place, there is a reason ...

I look all around me and I see so many people who would give anything to have what I have. Our home is like a quiet little oasis in the storm. I look out the window and see what is happening all around us. I feel safe within the confines of our home and I do what I can do to support and walk with those who are facing their own personal storm.

We could lose it all in a millisecond. The life that we presently have. Our health. Our family. Our serenity. Our support system...

In this marvellous world of technological advancement, I can pick up the phone and call my mom (who lives five hours away) and it doesn't cost a penny. I can send off a text to my siblings and assume that it will be read almost immediately. I can email my sister who is out of the country and guess that she may read it within a 24 hour period. I can email my uncle who lives across the country and even though I know that checking in on emails is very low on his priority list, I can be assured that he will read it when he has the time and energy to do so. I can send one email to a group of people and touch a lot of people with a few words. I work from home, so I can reach out and touch people without taking a step out of my home at any time during my day.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a friend once told me that he felt so peaceful within the home that I had created with my young family. I fought hard for this peace and I strive to maintain that serene aura within our lives. It was such a compliment to hear that someone outside of my little family unit felt what I had fought so hard for.

As I watch what is happening outside of these four walls, I feel safe, serene, content and happy. I feel a little bit like a 'port in the storm' for some of the people who touch my life. And for that ... I am grateful.

And that, my friend ... is why I have been MIA this week. I have been present within my life. There is no place else I would rather be.