Lasting Impressions

As I wrote my final blog post at MyKawartha.com, there was a quiet exhale and a satisfied feeling of being able to wrap this experience up with a bow and call it "good enough". It was a wonderful and satisfying way to make an exit.

I've written for three other papers who have quietly made the decision to make changes with their publication which meant discontinuing my column. I received a politely worded email advising me of the change and my column just faded out of sight like many other seamless changes in the world. No big deal. That is just the way things are.

This time around, I was given permission to either continue writing for the month of May or I could stop immediately. I chose to write. Mostly because I wanted to say "Thank you" and "Good-bye".

When I was a mere column reader, our local paper ran a column which I fully identified with and I couldn't wait to read her weekly stories. They stopped running her column without any reason "why". I missed "Ruthe Stein" (yes, I found her name in among my writing material of the past). I identified with her. She made an impact on me. "She" was the reason I wished out loud that I would like to become a columnist one day.

I never forgot "Ruthe". She was one of those people who, unbeknownst to anyone but myself, made a lasting impact. I like to think all of us walk around completely unaware of some small impact we've made on others.

Every little action causes a ripple. Some ripples are bigger than others. Some ripples are positive, Others cause negative actions and reactions like a tidal wave. As I walk through today I'm going to keep this in mind. These little people I watch over are so sensitive to the "waves" of life. I'll focus on trying to make them positive and easy going.

In the meantime, here is my final "Thank you" and "Good bye" at MyKawartha.com:
http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6700450-thank-you-mykawartha/

Transition Without Drama

There is a sense of discomfort in my world right now and I think I finally put my finger on it. My world is undergoing a state of transition. Since the first time since I can remember, this is the first time a significant change transpired without a little drama unfolding at the same time. Instead of feeling like my world has turned upside down and it's up to me to survive and thrive, this feels like a rather low grade pain without a name.

I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com:
http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6557185-transition-without-drama/

What Writing is For Me

I received an early Monday morning email from the digital news editor at MyKawartha.com, titled "Unfortunate news". It started by saying, "I'm sorry to have to send this email, but unfortunately we are going to be discontinuing our blogs." It ended by telling me I could quit blogging immediately or I could continue until the end of the month.

You have no idea how relieved I was to get this notice. Writing on demand is not my cup of tea. I have considered handing in my notice for the papers I presently write for and make way for someone who has new, fresh thoughts and ideas.

I like to write for the fun of it. Sometimes, to release a little pressure. Other times, to be whimsical and just write for the pleasure I get from writing. There are times when my brain to hand connection helps me untangle my thoughts and see things from a different perspective. The odd time I really have something to say.

I'm uncomfortable with where I am at in my life right now. I'm fighting to regain my footing and find the "me" I was five years ago. I know I can't be "that" person again but I do want to feel good about the person I'm evolving into. I haven't quite found that spot yet and I honestly don't believe my struggle out of the quicksand of life is something people want to "pay" to read.

I like writing in my own little corner of the world where readership doesn't matter. I can just be "me" and it is enough. I can write or not. I can be happy or sad or anything in between. I can be "nothing" and let the words fall out of my nothingness onto the page and it is enough.

Writing under pressure makes me feel like I am not enough. Every single month, when I rummage through the archives of what I have written, I try to find something that is good enough to send out into the world. I feel like I have been submitting scraps of who I used to be and who I'm trying to evolve into becoming, but I'm a little bit lost as I go through this phase of evolution.

I see glimmers of where I want myself to go, how I want to retrain my thoughts and I think I see a way of getting there. Then I lose my train of thought. That's "life".

As we go from day to day, we are sometimes forging our own path. Other times we are following an old path that has become overgrown and it's hard to find our way. When things feel clearer, it's like driving down an old familiar country road. Other times, we are exploring new roads others have built.

I don't like new roads. I like well travelled, double lane highways where I know the route without having to think. I stop at the same places along the way. My destination rarely changes. I love my ruts. I always have and probably always will.

I scared myself this past weekend. I love my ruts so very much, that packing up and leaving this rutty, familiar life of mine was harder than it has ever been before. The anxiety levels I felt as I tried to make my way out the door were alarming to me. It shouldn't feel this hard to pack up and leave the house for a few days.

I know I need to shake things up in my life. Get up and do different things each morning. Travel unfamiliar routes and reroute some of my brain's wiring. Taking a different route should feel like an adventure, not the opening sequence of a horror film.

See? This is the stuff that no one wants to read. Not even me. I think I need to pack up my pen and write in private again. Or is there a market for writing that is going in circles and terrified that it may hold clues as to what it feels like as one walks the walk into the years leading to dementia? Yes. That's it. I'm feeling just a little bit shell shocked at the revelation of what this "brain fog" may actually signify.

I haven't had time to dig deeper into what I can do to prevent this. Life carries on no matter what else is going on. That is a good thing.

I walked into this week feeling worn down and beat up. My daycare family walked in the door and the week could not be going better. We managed to walk through our exposure to "Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease" relatively unscathed. One of my daycare family came down with it but, to our knowledge, no one else has (we realize now, that everyone was exposed to this all last week). Yee haw!! That means my obsessive compulsive lessons about "not putting anything in our mouths" and our current hand washing routines are enough. This brush with a contagious childhood/daycare disease opened up a dialogue between my daycare parents and me which has reassured me that "I am enough". It has been reiterated enough times for me to start believing it.

At one point, this past weekend my mom asked me, "Do your [daycare] kids like you?" My immediate response was "I don't think so". I confessed this revelation to my daycare parents and was reassured on many levels that I was wrong. I know there are definitely moments when my daycare family aren't very fond of me but when they walk in the door, they are happy to be here. They are content most of the time. We have many more positive moments than the drama of the moments I describe when I'm frustrated at behaviours which feel out of my control. But the soundtrack of most of our days is that of contented white noise. I actually stopped to listen for it this week. Contentment is in the air.

My predictable little life is a busy (enough) one. I have cocooned myself from anything extra-curricular since my return home Sunday night. I'm saving my strength for the next hard thing I must do. I am meeting up with a friend on the upcoming long weekend. We are meeting at a mid-way point between where we both live. This means I must take a new road. It is only a single lane highway. I have only travelled it once before so I know it will take me where I need to go but our destination is brand new to me. Am I excited? No. Am I terrified? Not yet. Will I become paralyzed in fear in the hours before I blaze this (almost) new trail? Quite possibly.

I am fifty five years old and life still scares me. I think this thought and I think I am all alone. I write this thought aloud and often I hear the echo of "Me too!" when I go out into the big scary world and speak my truths out loud. "This" is why I write. It takes the fear out of living when you hear the words "Me too" come back to you.

To feel like I was alone in this journey called life would be the most terrifying thing of all. By speaking our truth out loud we often hear the answers we wouldn't hear if we kept silent. This is why I am such an open book. This openness has saved me from myself. Time and time again. Do I fear the day when the echo I hope to hear becomes a statement: "I don't feel this way. You are alone. Maybe you should call an expert in the field ..." That is my greatest fear of all.

The Gift of a Weekend Well Spent

There is no place I'd rather be, than "home". Perhaps this is a gift I learned to appreciate from my mom. I remember the years when "going back home" was where I would have much rather been.

This past weekend, I "went back home" to take Mom out for a Mother's Day breakfast. It was hard to push myself out of my brand new back door, but it was good. I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com:

http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6545028-the-gift-of-a-weekend-well-spent/

Stepping Back Into My Field of Dreams

I have been missing in action over here for the past while and I have finally put some words to just a little of what has been going on within this happy little mind of mine.

I don't know if this "happy" has come from finding "17 Ways to Build My Courage" or if completing Brené Brown's "Living Brave" course has rerouted my thoughts or if it is simply "sitting out in the sun" again that has me looking up and out of this tired little world. But something is working!

I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com. Please come join me and a way back into finding your dreams too! http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6523569-stepping-back-into-my-field-of-dreams/

17 Ways to Build My Courage

I am six days into my "building courage" project. I wrote down a list of what I hope to achieve and I have left it in my line of sight every day since. It is a list of "small stuff" that seems to be making an impact. Amazing how every little bit helps ...

I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com today. Come join me to hear the long version of this little story: http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6514439-17-ways-to-build-my-courage/

Living Safe

I need to get myself out of this perpetual downward spiral and I think I'm onto something.

I can do this. It is time to start a new chapter. I'm tired of living in my safety net. It's time to step back onto the high wire of life and take a chance. I don't have to start at the top. I'll work my way up there. Would you like to join me?? Click here to go to Christine Kane's "66 Ways to Build Courage" post. Print it off. Circle at least five suggestions. You can do five. I'll bet you could tackle eight! Come and join me on my adventure. I promise to write all about it and I would love to hear your stories as we make our way in this Brave New World together.

I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com (http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6505101-living-safe/)

The Attitude of Gratitude

My fixation on gratitude seems to have brought about a sensitivity to finding "gratitude quotes" and inspirational thoughts at every turn. It's funny how when you focus on all that you have, you notice less of what is missing. And in the process, I seem to have found "my happy" right along with it.

I wrote a little blog about it at MyKawartha.com today. Please join me there.

http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6392784-the-attitude-of-gratitude/

Processing the World of Words

I have had precious few words in me lately and even less time that I choose to invest in writing down my trivial and repetitive thoughts-of-the--day. Too many to-do-lists posts, not enough substance created a need to shut off my word supply.

Speaking of words, I wrote a post about "words" over at MyKarwatha.com today. Feel free to follow me over there: http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6368060-processing-the-world-of-words/

Inspired to Move

I love what a new friend and fresh conversation can bring into my world. I was introduced into the world of "Fitbit" last night and (I hope) my world may never be the same again. I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com

http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6263306-inspired-to-move/

Technology Overload

After a six hour mental work-out of my brain, I found myself feeling a tad overwhelmed with the technology at my fingertips. As it is with most things, when everything works it is wonderful. When the dominoes start to fall and it feels like technology is taking you places you never wanted to go, it is quite another.

I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha:

http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6256293-technology-overload/

One From the Archives

I am writing over at MyKarwartha.com today. I was searching through the archives of this blog to try and figure out when I gave away my original Magic Bullet (I have gone through four magic bullets in the past nine months). The month was April. The year was 2015. I thought I'd search my archives to see if I could find prove of the date of the beginning of my Time of Great Purging. And I found this ...
http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6232134-one-from-the-archives/

Joy

I wrote a little "Inside Out" inspired post about "joy" (or the loss of it) over at MyKawartha.com today.

Please come over and join me there: http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6222437-joy/

Life Hurts

I'm writing over at MyKawartha.com today...

A sense of quiet reflection has carried me through and past the month of December and into the New Year. It isn't all holly and jolly out there. Life is real. Life hurts sometimes...
http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6218481-life-hurts/

Giving Until it Hurts

I did my part and donated towards a worthy cause yesterday, but it didn't "hurt". I know my giving is coming from the right place when it stings a little.

I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha: "Giving Until it Hurts".  http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6205892-giving-until-it-hurts/

Call to Action Moments

I'm writing over at my MyKawartha blog today. Come on over and join me! Here is your "Call to Action"!

Please click on this link and read a little bit more on what I like to call my "Call to Action Moments":
http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6168066-call-to-action-moments/