Craving Comfort

I am craving comfort these days. Comfortable clothes, comfortable shoes, comfortable temperatures, comfortable pillows ... just plain comfort.

I wore a pair of sandals as I walked from the house to the car; from the car to my destination; back to my car; then home. I wish I had a step counter to count how very few steps I took in my rather ugly and very old orthotic sandals. Not many. As soon as I settled in for the night I wondered why my feet felt "off". The sandals. It had to be the sandals.

My feet have been the least of my worries lately. Ill fitting clothes have me searching online for comfy tops and bottoms that don't pull, bind or restrict. Long story short, I've had no luck. And I honestly don't feel like spending the very little expendable cash I do have left over at the end of my pay cheque on restocking my wardrobe. 

To top things off, I'm in the middle stage of a hair style I'm not comfortable wearing. "It will grow" are the words I've been uttering since I encouraged my hair stylist to go a little shorter. What was I thinking? I have no idea, except it most likely had a lot to do with not wanting to get my hair cut again any time soon. Mission accomplished. 

It is truly no wonder why I have zero to no inclination to leave the house. I am not out to impress anyone but I simply want to feel comfortable in my own skin (yes, that feels a little tight as well). 

I know I must be more conscious about what I eat. This ill-at-ease feeling centers in my stomach and what I've been feeding it. The comfort I get from nibbling on those crisp, salty, greasy little nuggets of former potatoes feel like a nice, warm hug at the end of my day.

I don't crave chips on the weekend. It is my work week that has me running for consolation at the end of my days. It has nothing to do with hunger and everything to do with comfort.

Something has to change and I think that something is me. Finding comfort in my days without finding that comfort in food is food for thought.

Less is Less

While going through the process of furnishing our new second home, I went through the house and sifted through excess and duplicate items. I culled all that was not being used and my clothes were not spared.

I now have spare hangers in my closet, more room in my drawers. Yet, when I read an article on "Wardrobe Declutter" this morning it was easy to see there is much more work to be done.

I hope the motivation I have found within my home-away-from home carries over to my home-at-home when I finally spend a weekend here. There is so much more work to be done. 

Living with "less" feels so much lighter. Literally.

I have been weighed down by life for longer than I can put my finger on. I keep thinking back to when it all began. I have been eating my way through my emotions for at least a decade. It is no wonder I had outgrown the larger sized jeans I bought before winter arrived this year.

Life has felt heavy.

Lightening the load around our home has lifted my spirits. Less? Is simply less. And it feels good. 

Closer ... yet so far to go

Who Knew?

I succumbed to my cravings and bought a bountiful supply of fresh fruit and vegetables a week ago.

A small sampling of salad the week prior tempted my taste buds and I could hear myself utter the words, "This salad is sooo good!" in the same way honesty sometimes oozes out my fingertips before my brain has a chance to censor myself.

My knees weakened at the very idea of adding some fresh and healthy foods to my online grocery cart. I was disheartened to find much of what I had ordered was out of stock. The desire was strong so I actually braved entering a store-with-a-door. 

Donning my COVID face mask and slathering myself with hand sanitizer, I socially distanced myself from the produce and any shoppers in my midst. I came home with a small tray of mixed fruit, a few bags of salad, a cucumber and five tomatoes. 

I had salad for lunch every day. I made a sandwich full of veggies with a minimal amount of ham for supper. Instead of grabbing a cookie (or three) for dessert, I had a small bowl of fruit.

Then the most amazing thing happened.

After eating a balanced meal and feeding my sugar craving with fruit, I didn't have room for cookies. Who knew eating well could result in eating less??

Our body is pretty smart. It tells us what we need the most if we don't buffer its voice with sugar, chips and pop. 

If I keep this up, there is a slim chance I may fit into my pants by winter. But in addition to eating healthier, I may have to start going to bed by 7:30 to curb my evening snack. That snack is my reward for getting through another day. 

I need a new reward. Perhaps I should take up drinking.

Hello Darkness

Without a doubt, one of my most favorite things about our renewed home is the lighting. As pleased as I am with all the new light fixtures, switches and ability to dim several of the lights, the under-counter lighting in the kitchen is my favorite.

As our daylight hours grow by the day, I keep wondering what time I would have to get up in order to enjoy the early morning glow of the under counter lighting before the sun wakes up and starts shining through the windows.

The lack of living room blinds made it impossible to block the light by any artificial means. I was almost as grateful for the inability to postpone the daylight as I was for the glow of the under counter lighting.

I found the minimal white light within the darkness soothing. It felt like an invisible hug as I padded quietly through the morning in our dimly lit kitchen. It calmed my soul.

Our living room blinds arrived last week. They are up, fully operational and do a very good job of darkening the room.

This morning, I paused before I opened the blinds. I wanted to block the sunlight so I could enjoy what I found within the darkness. I shook my head in wonder. "You want to do what?!", I admonished myself.

I found a way to cope with the darkness. I didn't want to let it go.

I then wondered about all of the parallels within that realization.

I started using the TV to tune out my thoughts while mending a broken heart. I realized I could tune out the words that were keeping me awake at night by turning on the television and focusing my thoughts on a program that interested me. The minute I stopped thinking, I fell asleep. Every time.

I use that coping mechanism to this very day.

I use food in a similar manner. Food comforts and consoles me even when I'm already full. Food is my reward for getting through the day. Any day. All days.

As I pulled open the living room blinds to welcome the daylight despite my love of the darkness, it brought my other coping mechanisms to light.

Once you become comfortable within the darkness, there is a sense of safety and security within the cocoon you create.

Don't be afraid to let in the light. Go towards the light. That is where you find life, love and purpose.

The words, "Hello Darkness, my old friend..." haunt my soul. I can feel the gravitational pull towards the comfort I feel there.

Spring? You are arriving just in time. Thank you for forcing me towards the light.

Breaking All the Rules

I set out (what I thought were) a few easy guidelines to follow in order to change my life. It sounded easy. "Rest when you are tired" and "Eat when you are hungry". I tacked on "Do one hard thing every day" because I was feeling brave.

Well!

Rest when you are tired. I was tired when I was at work. My eyes wanted to slam shut and stay there for a short spell. It was SO hard to stay awake, so we walked instead. That worked (and walking is better than eating).

After overruling my tiredness, I came home and didn't feel "tired". I felt overwhelmed by the day. I was so overwhelmed that I forgot to pick up my son from University. I didn't realize the error of my ways until I pulled into the driveway and noticed the living room curtains were exactly how I left them.

Oh no!! I had completely forgotten about my son. Thankfully he is 20 years old, had a cell phone and when I called to let him know him I was on my way, he just laughed. Whew.

Back to my story...

As I was saying, by the time I returned home (the second time) I wasn't tired. I was just tired of the day. So I reached for food. I wasn't hungry. I was empty. I filled the void with food. As I did this, I thought "There goes 'Rule #1' "; followed by the thought "Who cares!" and "Why didn't I pick up chips on the way home??"

To be very honest, my obsession with the knowledge that there were NO chips in the house is very likely the reason I forgot to pick up my son. My prevailing thought after work was "Should I pick up some chips??" I was so proud of myself for making the right choice and coming straight home, the fact that my son waiting for me didn't even cross my mind.

Overruling exhaustion when it hits is a bad habit I noticed my young daycare crowd had when it came to trying to avoid sleeping at nap time. Some of these little people were tired and cranky AND fought sleep. When they slept, they were so much more content, happy and easy to be around.

When I fight the waves of exhaustion, I "manage" but my tolerance to let the small stuff slide slips. I push myself through the day. I stay awake when my body is craving sleep. I come home and think I deserve a reward for getting through the day.

Thus, I break rule #1 and rule #2 that I made for myself. I eat to stay awake.

Admitting I have a problem isn't solving the issue at hand. I need to do the hard work myself. Last night I went to bed when I was tired (after the bowl of popcorn was gone). I woke up feeling rested. The weight of the world isn't sitting on my shoulders (though I think it did take up residence in my neck because it was a bit of a mess this morning).

During the week, doing "one hard thing each day" = "leaving the house". On some level I am succeeding. I think back to one year ago today and I know I have come a long way.

A year ago, my thoughts were completely consumed with Mom. I was low. I felt lost. I felt like I was dragging around the weight of the world with each and every step. Leaving the house felt physical painful. It was soooo hard.

I've come a long way. But I have a long way to go.

The Restorative Power of Rest

For every high, there is a low. For every burst of energy, there is a need to recoup, refresh, rest and restart. I am presently "restarting".

When I sat still yesterday, a wave of exhaustion overtook me. I overpowered that sensation and forced myself up off the couch and I headed to the kitchen to "cook" (does frying up hamburger and adding a package of seasoning = cooking?).

The reward of this act of motion in the kitchen was "taco salad". I took my plate and sat myself back down where I had previously wanted to do nothing more than sleep. Instead of sleeping, I ate.

Big mistake.

My son was actually quite pleased to find the aroma and offering of food in the middle of the afternoon. Normally, I would think eating at 3 p.m. would give me permission to skip cooking supper. Except I had already peeled potatoes so I offered to cook a late supper (second mistake?).

My son has just returned from an "all expenses paid" workshop where three meals a day were provided as part of the package. As a result of this, he has returned home with a healthy appetite.  Christmas Day, he turned down the last piece of bacon at breakfast because he wanted to be sure he would be hungry for Christmas dinner. One piece of bacon? Who in the world doesn't have room for one piece of bacon? I believe even Mom (the smallest eater I have ever known) would have leapt at the offer.

Not only did I provide a mid afternoon meal, I went through the motions of cooking a late supper meal as well.

All this time in the kitchen was a great excuse to NOT cross any other item off my mental to-do-list. Plus I was tired. Physically and mentally. I was tired of thinking, planning and doing. I just wanted to rest. Except I felt guilty for resting, so I ATE to stay awake (and I wonder why my new pj bottoms don't fit so well?!).

Fast forward to this morning.

I woke up to a brand new work week. My heart sunk to the bottom of my mattress and made it so hard to put my feet on the floor. I want another Sunday. Sigh...

Then, I flipped open my "Living Juicy" ("daily morsels for your creative soul") book. Week #1 for the new year focused on procrastination. I read the first week's worth of morsels. Closed the book. Then worked at pushing myself out of procrastination mode. This exhausted me. So why should I be surprised that the second week's focus is "napping"?

I wish I would have picked up this book yesterday. I would have fully honored my exhaustion, closed my eyes and rested. Instead I have an achy stomach hangover from eating too much. My son needed the nourishment. Me? Not so much. Nourishment? Maybe. It was all the snacking I squeezed in between the meals that hurt me.

I am not a big fan of the word "napping" but I do believe in its restorative qualities. I am not certain where I could work this time of restoration into my current day work week but as I type the words, I am hearing my answer.

I eat to stay awake. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to add those two facts together and figure out I should honor that exhaustion and rest instead of eat. I get home by 7:30 at night. If I didn't snack, I would be in bed by 8:00. What if I didn't eat, but allowed myself time to close my eyes, relax, restore and plan to get up in an hour. Then, accomplish "one hard thing" before I went to bed at night? What if????

My procrastination excuses are primarily based on a lack of time and energy. What if I created that time by feeding my body "sleep" when it was tired instead of food? What if??

My excuse is that by the time I get home at the end of a long day, my mental fatigue is high. My body is well rested and I am more tired of sitting idle than physically tired. Instead of using my mental exhaustion as an excuse to eat and Netflix my night away, I should find a way to "honor" that without medicating myself with food and sleep.

I have sleepwalked (what IS the past tense of sleep walk?!?) through most of the entire past year by using food, sleep, Netflix and surfing the Internet to dull my thoughts and put my head in a neutral zone so I could keep placing one foot in front of the other.

Food and sleep are my reward for "doing hard things" and making it through a day. I must admit I am as addicted to the reward as I am to the excuse for creating the reward to begin with.

Admitting I have a problem is the first step. I am addicted to my "numbing" activities. I am exhausted.

Rule #1 - rest when you are tired
Rule #2 - eat when you are hungry
Rule #3 - admit I am a "recovering procrastinator"
Rule #4 - do ONE hard thing each day
Rule #5 - gradually increase the number of "hard things"

Yesterday? I cooked. Today? I shall work on one project for one hour AND I will do one more hard thing. Does leaving the house count?

I need to reinstate the goal to do "Six Impossible Things Before Lunch". Changing "lunch" to 8 a.m is my obstacle. Perhaps I need to revise that to "One Impossible Thing (before I go to work)" and "A Second Impossible Thing" (after I come home).

Baby steps. One step at a time. I have SO many vices to overcome and I truly believe the weight of the excess within our home is at the bottom of a lot of what I am battling. Thus, I am starting there.

Yesterday's obstacle? The second category of Marie Kondra's steps to tidying up is: Books. I sat still with my perfectionist mindset yesterday trying to orchestrate a method where I CAN put all of the books together in one room of our home. My obstacle? I want to build these books a home for them to live, which is THE complication which has stopped me in my tracks this entire past year.

I know I should renumber the sequence Marie Kondra suggests. But I also know the power of taking that impossible "first step". I know the energy which will be released the moment I start taking action.

I need a nap ...

Food, We Need to Talk!

Food, you and I need to have a talk. I need you to know I have been "using" you. Using and abusing you. It is an unhealthy relationship we have, Food. I need to relearn how to treat you because I need you in my life. How can we learn to co-exist in a healthy way?

I wandered away from my second cup of coffee this morning and suddenly remembered the little ways food was a form of a reward and consolation when I was young.

Sundays will forever remind me of Dad going to pick up McDonald's for supper and he would time it so he would return by 6:00 and we would gather around the TV and watch "The Wonderful World of Disney". Only on Sundays. It was family time, it was special and it was something I always looked forward to.

I remember Mom picking up Pringles and we shared that can of Pringles while we watched "The Waltons".

I remember coming home from school every day, making myself a chocolate milkshake, then sitting down and devouring the current book I was reading.

I remember another phase when I came home from school, made some popcorn and watched "Love American Style".

I remember a time when I was heartbroken over not being asked to dance at a school sock hop. I came home feeling sad and Mom made French fries for supper (French fries had a designated day of the week and they were served at lunch time). French fries were my consolation prize.

I just remembered a time when I was quite young and knowing I just wanted to die. I was not courageous enough to act on that urge but quietly decided I would starve myself to death. I remember reading how long the body could last without food. Obviously I never succeeded. Probably because Dad brought home McDonald's the following Sunday.

After I left home, whenever I would walk through Mom's door, the offer of food, conversation, company and support was always there. Always.

Food accompanied me through good times and bad. Then I became independent and started hiding, hoarding it and eating alone. I bought my junk food at different stores so no one would know the problem I had with food. I hid snacks in my closet. You know you are in trouble when you start using food to fill a void.

Was I subconsciously trying to recreate the comfort that food always provided? Was I using food to numb my feelings and fill the void? Did I use food as a reward? As a consolation?

Yes.

They say the first step is admitting it to yourself. "Hello, my name is Colleen. And I am a foodaholic."

I don't know where I will go from here (even though I know where I need to go). I will start at the beginning. I will admit my powerlessness over food. I will admit I use food in a fashion it was never meant to be used. I admit I eat too much, too often and for all the wrong reasons. I will allow myself to delve into that first step of admitting my powerlessness and I will move onto the second step.

Hmmm ... I started writing this post in a tongue in cheek, humorous kind of way. Then I let my fingers fly across the keyboard and I have realized I may be onto something here. It isn't about cleansing, deprivation and eating in a Whole30 kind of way. It is about getting to the bottom of the relationship I have with food.

Food, I am so over you. You hold far too much power over me and I resent you for that. I don't know exactly where I will go, but this is where I will start. I need to redefine my relationship with food. I have a feeling that is not as simple as it sounds...

Living Safe

I need to get myself out of this perpetual downward spiral and I think I'm onto something.

I can do this. It is time to start a new chapter. I'm tired of living in my safety net. It's time to step back onto the high wire of life and take a chance. I don't have to start at the top. I'll work my way up there. Would you like to join me?? Click here to go to Christine Kane's "66 Ways to Build Courage" post. Print it off. Circle at least five suggestions. You can do five. I'll bet you could tackle eight! Come and join me on my adventure. I promise to write all about it and I would love to hear your stories as we make our way in this Brave New World together.

I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com (http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6505101-living-safe/)

Insatiable

My eating habits have spiralled completely out of control. I am eating for all the wrong reasons. My stomach cannot recuperate from each onslaught of food that is ingested, before I'm at it again. Something has got to give.

I know exactly when this began.

Two weeks before I went out to Mom's (the first time), I was actually forgetting to eat. It was awesome. Meal time would arrive and I hadn't snacked since my last feeding. I forgot to feel hungry.

What was the catalyst to this change? Writing my Fitness Knowledge exam on March 1st.

As I studied and prepared for that exam, I had been bribing myself with food. As a reward, encouragement and a means to keep plugging along. Writing and passing that exam released me from the stranglehold of my snacking habit. I was cured! I thought.

Two weeks later, I found myself unexpectedly at my mom's as our family rallied together when Mom's health was in jeopardy. Things in many corners of my world were spiralling out of control and there I was. Enveloped in family. I can picture all six of us sitting in Mom's living room. Mom, all four of her kids and my niece. And in the middle of it all? A circular coffee table with a nice little selection of snacks to nibble on.

My niece started something when she ran out to get 'a few things' and ended up coming home with a goodie bag that was filled with a variety of tasty little goodies that satisfied each and every one of our cravings.

A few days later, my sister and I went to replenish the grocery supply. Eagerly wanting to come home 'the heroes', we chose a few special treats and added them to the cart. Snacks + sisters = good times. We were on a roll.

I had to leave for a week and tend to my life at home. That week is a blur. But what do I remember coming back 'home' to at Mom's?? A fully reloaded stash of snacks!

I nibbled away at those treats on the cupboard over the course of the ten days I was there. But once again, I replenished the supply when my sister returned.

Three weeks (minus a few days) after it all began (our concerns about Mom, plus the snacking), I was plunked right back into my regularly scheduled life. Without my family and minus the cache of snacks. I was empty.

There was a void within me, that wasn't being satisfied by being surrounded by my siblings and my mom. There was little that I could do about that (other than phone each day and check in). But there was one void I could fill (and have been ever since!!). The snacks.

I made it through my first night home without the snack supply, but I quickly remedied that the next day. My snack cupboard has been full to overflowing (as has my stomach) ever since.

This weekend, My Youngest and I are going out to visit Mom. Not because she needs us to be there ... but because we want to be. This weekend, the cycle that began March 15th will come full circle.

March 15th, I ran out to Mom's and had absolutely no idea what life had in store. I arrived at Mom's and felt safe and secure in the company of my family (and food). When I had to leave that atmosphere, I took 'home' what I could (the food). I am now returning to Mom's - without worry or concern.

We will have a completely normal visit. A visit that revolves around visiting and coffee. A visit where we eat because it is meal time - not because our day has revolved around meal planning.

I am returning to Mom's life-as-I-know-it. I will come home full and satisfied. That sensation will have nothing to do with food.

Necessity Verses Choice

I recently had to restrain my appetite and had to undergo a 2 day clear fluid diet. Though I longingly looked at the solid food that surrounded me, savored the aroma of a fast food place I walked past and bought (but didn't eat) some snack food for the days that followed my 2 day famine ... the temptations didn't get the best of me.

A doctor ordered food restriction is much easier to follow than a healthy food choice option that I choose to follow (or not).

Was it because it is only 2 days? Was it because they will send me home and be unable to complete this test if I don't follow the instructions to the letter? Or was it because there is truly no choice in the matter? I must.

2 days definitely made the short term aspect of this temporary diet attainable. But really ... in the Alcoholics Anonymous program, isn't that the credo? One day at a time (or hour or minute, depending on the day). Why can't I simply decide to make healthy food choices one day at a time. All of the time.

The thought of failure and the inconvenience to have this test rescheduled if I didn't maintain the diet they told me to follow took away the 'choice' to follow their diet restrictions. Over a thousand people on the waiting list for this procedure and the $50.00 fee if you don't cancel a week in advance, indicated the valuable waiting space that I was taking up. It was all somewhat prohibitive when it came to the idea of them not being able to complete the test. All good motivators.

There truly wasn't any option. I had to follow the diet I was told to follow. Most life choices are simply that - a choice.

As I went through the days and coped with the temptation and slight feeling of hunger along the way I chastised myself for not having more willpower when it comes to healthy eating habits on a day to day basis.

In the book 'The End of Overeating', one of their suggestions is to make rules for yourself. Rules - not options.

If I simply made one rule of not eating after supper, I would be on the right track. One rule. No options.

I wonder if a doctor ordered sanction against food after supper would stop me. If my life depended on it? You bet, it would be easy. If it is my rule? Why should that stop me? I can make promises to others and keep them. Why can't I make that promise to myself?

Maintaining Equilibrium

As I was going through my scribbler labeled "Oprahism's" yesterday (researching my food obsession), I came to a page that was full the emotional reasons why I think that food has overtaken my mind lately.

My biggest hurdle is night time eating. In my notes, I have written that night time eating is emotional. I totally agree. The question to ask yourself is "What are you really craving?"

Further down on the page is a circle divided into pie shaped pieces - each wedge representing the various parts of life that are required for good physical and mental health. Every one's circle could be full of different labels on those wedges but I labeled mine: family, friends, me-time, finances, intimate relationship, fun & recreation, fitness and work.

I know when the majority of my life feels in balance, I feel a content equilibrium within. I don't miss the 'intimate relationship' part of the circle when I am satisfied in all other areas.

But when work starts taking over 2 wedges instead of 1 ... or I don't have enough time by myself, I can feel the balance toppling.

My notes tell me when there is a deficit of pleasure or if life is out of balance, it triggers unhealthy eating patterns. I think that statement explains a lot more than eating patterns. It explains our moods and coping abilities.

There is a delicate balance to life, that I can almost physically feel. When the tides in my life shift and I'm lacking or stressed in too many parts of my 'circle', my inner contentment wanes. I've had some life-lessons that have taught me to fight to keep that serenity. I believe that is why I'm so tuned into what I need to retain that inner contentment.

The question on the page that spoke to me the loudest was "In a perfect world, what would you change?" I haven't looked at this scribbler since I wrote out the words. Yet, I have found myself starting my wish-list lately with: "In a perfect world ..."

I know exactly what I want. I am somewhat frustrated with the state of 'where I am' verses 'where I want to be'.

I haven't done it recently, but I know there have been numerous occasions where I walk straight to a source of food, in a moment of frustration with the kids.

I know that taking a leave from my Saturday employment and replacing the 6 hours that I used to work, with double or triple the workload (although it is all from home and something that I can squeeze into most days) is not the sanest alternative. Though, it is a step in the direction that I want to take ... so I persevere.

In a perfect world ... I would go back to school full time and take affirmative action on my goals.

In a perfect world ... I would lessen the kid-load and focus on taking on more book keeping work.

In my perfect world ... I will be self employed (book keeping), doing what I love (writing) while I am running a little Bed & Breakfast that exudes warmth, peace and contentment. People will come and they will have no idea why ... but it will be because they are caught up in the serenity within the world that I have created for myself and want to share with others.

In a perfect world ... there is a balance in all things vital to my life. Work will not overtake my need to spend time with family and friends. Finances will not dictate my choices. My life will be in harmony as I learn to laugh and play and savor each and every moment. I will have enough time for myself, that I am rich with energy to spend with others. Intimate relationship? Whatever happens ... happens. I am fulfilled with strong friendships and relationships with the people in my life. If it's not broken, don't fix it.

This is what I'm truly craving (not the food!).

"If I build it ... they will come"
from the movie 'Field of Dreams'

Is It Only Tuesday?

I think my weekend of work zapped my energy. When another load of work arrived yesterday morning, I could have wept.

But I didn't. I put in almost 4 more hours while the kids were here, but I just couldn't return to it last night after I returned from my dance lesson. Instead ... I ate.

I've been doing that a lot lately. I'm still writing down everything I eat and tracking the calories. I am amazed by the amount of days that my calories soar. But I keep eating.

I bought a book "The End of Over Eating" by David Kessler. I read bits and snatches of it before I bought it (it talks of the fat/sugar/salt craving-connection that I firmly believe is true). There is a name for people like me. I'm a hypereater.

So I zipped right through to the end to see if he had any magical solutions. I didn't find any yet. He talks of making rules for yourself, recognizing the triggers in your eating ... and then I got distracted with life and I haven't returned to see what else he says (this is another one of the 3 books I have on the go).

My first step was eating all of the bad food in the house last week. Mmmm. Sort of tasty, sort of gross. Then, when the weekend arrived what did I do? I bought some more.

I can contain myself all day. It isn't even hard. I love my breakfast and lunch menus. I sit still and savor them (I wait until all of the kid-lunch mess is cleaned up and various 'digestion' issues taken care of). I don't even crave anything between meals (or if I do, I am usually easily distracted by the demands of the day). Supper is a little harder to savor because it feels like I need to run out the door somewhere or do something after supper.

It is after supper that I get into trouble. I'll think 'just one treat'. Then the fat-sugar-salt cycle grabs me and I'm out of control.

Why am I okay all day ... and not in the evening? More often than not, I think I am rewarding myself for getting through the day. I'm nurturing 'me'. I need to find a different reward system.

As I was exercising this morning, I thought I need to associate my junk food/hypereating habits with something negative. If I could just pop a pill that made me feel nauseous every time I ate something fatty/salty/sugary. Or pop that same pill after supper so I didn't want to eat at all. Maybe I should just spin around like a kid every time I have the urge to fall prey to my eating addiction.

Or ... maybe I should just go to bed at 6:30. That might work.

Beyond Exhausted

I did it to myself. It was purely voluntary and all under my own control. I overdid it.

I have been tired before, but nothing that even closely resembled the meltdown that I felt the past weekend.

Over reacting to a bad haircut (that in looking back, I simply shouldn't have made the time for). When I felt so upset over hair that will eventually grow back, I should have stopped in my tracks. But I didn't.

I went and exercised for a few hours. Physical exertion usually smooths out the edges of a mind that is reacting to something that it shouldn't be (back to the hair cut). As I exercised, I felt like I could have cried. I just wanted to be done. But I didn't quit. I was supposed to feel better after I exercised. But I didn't.

By this time, I was on autopilot. I thought if I woke up early and exercised the next morning, I'd be back on track. I made the time, I took full advantage of it and then I ran out. I thought I 'still had time' to blog some thoughts out of my system before the day took on a life of its own. I was wrong.

So I sat down with my company and as we had our morning coffee, I heard the unedited words flowing off of my tongue. I was talking about things that didn't matter and the words fell out of my mouth, like a faucet running full force. I needed to stop. So I showered.

I 'washed that mood down the drain', got through the morning and then headed out on our big adventure (a family anniversary celebration).

I felt physically ill as we hit the road. I didn't have time for this. So I closed my eyes and rested them. My mind was still full of the unwritten words that were sitting in the back of my mind, I was thinking about the day ahead, I was trying to cope with the nauseousness that was on the verge of becoming reality. Eventually, we got to our destination.

Once there, a minor chuckle turned into an uncontrollable giddiness. I was melting down in front of my family. I was out of control. I could have sobbed uncontrollably at that moment. But I didn't.

Instead, I turned my focus onto my empty stomach that was full of unabsorbed caffeine. Little sleep, too much coffee, lacking food and overtaxed brain neons firing uncontrollably around inside of my malnourished mind was taxing the grasp of sanity that I had left. And my hair still looked pretty bad (this whole hairy ordeal was overtaking my mind in a way no hair cut ever should).

I was more than a little forceful with my suggestion that we hunt down some supper in the fastest way possible. And we did. Hamburger on a bun satisfied the void in my stomach. If food could fill up that which was empty, maybe that fuel would turn into energy. So I turned to food. All weekend.

The evening unfolded and I managed to keep myself under control. Every now and again, I would hear myself speaking. Not in sentences. Not in a two way conversation. But in a monologue which turned a sentence not only into a paragraph ... but a chapter. I don't even think I breathed. My brain was saying, "Shhhh" ... my mouth had other ideas. But at least I wasn't crying.

My head finally hit the pillow at the end of that long, exhausting day. But it hit the pillow running. I couldn't turn off the thoughts (they were all good thoughts and I didn't care about my hair as much). My body was weary and exhausted. And it rested. It rested well. But my brain was getting pretty worn out.

The next morning, I tried filling my 'fuel tank' (stomach) to get me through the day. Breakfast didn't work, so I grabbed a dose of sugar at the first chance I got. I knew I wasn't feeding hunger at this point, but I was trying to get enough nourishment into my brain to appear coherent. It wasn't working.

I nodded off during a conversation ... I couldn't add to a conversation. I was standing, walking and functioning. But I wasn't interacting with life and people.

This weekend was 'the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow'. It was a culmination of events that led up to this celebration. I was excited about every aspect of the upcoming days. And all that I did preceding this weekend, was so that I could just sit back and enjoy it to its fullest, knowing that 'my work was done' and I would have an empty agenda facing me at the end of it all.

When we drove up to the house at the end of our two fun-filled days, I staggered out of the vehicle and wearily looked at the lawn and I was so grateful that I didn't have to mow it. I wandered into the house and I was ecstatic that I didn't have any errands to run. I met Dale for an early supper and to pick up Kurt. Once again, I gorged myself with food - trying to energize myself for the duration of the day.

We got home, I did the bare minimum and I sat down. Then I slept. All responsibilities tended, the excitement of company and the big events of the weekend behind me ... I slept. And slept.

I woke up 4 hours later and did what had to be done to lessen the load of waking up this morning and facing a 'daycare day' ... and I went back to sleep. I still wasn't 'cured' of the exhaustion because I took a 'mega pack' of Skittles to bed with me. I filled up my stomach with sugar. I'm sure my subconscious mind was looking for energy and it has been finding it in sugar the past few days.

I woke up this morning craving only my breakfast smoothie. I've spent the morning spilling the words that have been free falling around in my mind. Even while I was in a semi catatonic state, all I could think was "What am I going to write about this when I get a chance to sit still??"

I lost control of my verbiage when my Saturday morning blog got interrupted. The loss of control of everything else came from an over taxed, over extended and over exhausted me.

I'm feeling the reserves start to 'fill' again. This week is officially 'a week with no to-do-list' in my mind. I am going to let life unfold as it may.

I'm off to a good start with a dance lesson tonight (provided it doesn't get cancelled). Dancing is my favorite way of filling up on 'fun'.

And so my life beyond exhaustion goes on ...

Persistance

Well, my journey in trying to put a cap on this out of control weight gain is long and never ending ...

I honestly thought that I had it licked when I turned it into a math equation. Consume "X" amount of calories + burn "X" amount of calories = gradual weight loss. The equation is right, but my execution of the plan wasn't ideal.

I did well for several weeks, then I went on my first binge. I truly believe my binges are triggered by sugar. Once triggered, watch out. I'm on a full blown rampage.

Despite my bad food consumption days, I continued to exercise. In fact, I became more dedicated to burning those excessive calories I seemed powerless over consuming. I thought that even if I kept the fitness goal in mind, all is not lost.

I kept tracking my eating habits in my 'food journal', I kept my graph updated. I have 3 different lines on the same graph that track my calories consumed, calories burned and my weight.

I continued to make healthy grocery purchases. Even when I was on my binges, I was (usually - not always) consuming excess amounts of healthier and low calorie snacks. It was the quantity that was my problem.

I kept telling myself "tomorrow is a new day." I wouldn't let one day's failure take me off the course I was on. Then I would flip the page of my journal and think "it's a new page ... a clean slate ... try, try again."

All the while, I watched the lines on my graph. No matter how bad the calorie intake got, it rarely exceeded my previous eating habits. Things weren't perfect ... but they were better.

The other graph that encouraged me was the one that tracks my weight on the Wii Fit. I would not recommend weighing yourself daily. It is frightening and discouraging. But if you do ... make sure that you can look at a '3 month view' of your weight. I took another look at that this morning, and over the course of this calorie budgeting system my fluctuating weight has shifted downward one quadrant on their graph. I have definitely lost some of my recent weight and I have shifted myself to a new 'average' weight.

This week, I did a few things that I feel may be a turning point. I've said this before and I'm sure I'll say it again ... but this time, I truly feel like I'm onto a new way of thinking about food. I think.

#1 - I bought a 'Slim Fast' meal shake mix. On the can, it recommends having a Slim Fast shake for breakfast and lunch; have fruit for a morning and afternoon snack; add a salad with low fat dressing for lunch; eat a sensible, well balanced supper and have a light evening snack.

Hmmm ... I immediately had a Slim Fast shake for supper after I came home with my new found answer-to-all-of-my-problems. It suggested adding fruit, so I ended up recreating my morning smoothie plus the calories from the Slim Fast mix. This was not a good bargain in the calorie department (it sure tasted good though).

So I revised my plan for the next morning - I had my regular breakfast smoothie. I combine cranberry juice, a banana, frozen orange juice plus strawberries to my milk so it contains a fair amount of calories. But it jump starts my day and sustains me until lunch. If it's not broken, don't fix it.

I had a nectarine for my later morning snack; added only strawberries to the Slim Fast shake and salad for lunch; an apple for my afternoon snack and a divine supper of BBQ chicken, mixed vegetables and salad for supper; with strawberries and Cool Whip (just a bit) for dessert. I was totally satisfied and fulfilled in every way. My feet were killing me that evening, so after supper I sat still with my feet soaking in a bubbling/massaging foot spa that I purchased at a garage sale last weekend as I sipped on a cup of mint green tea as I read my book. Ahhh ... what a life! I felt so good, that I exercised for 2 hours after that. By the time I was ready for bed, I was totally satisfied. No need to gorge myself with food. I felt at peace with the day without my usual food rewards (though I did grab a 45 calorie fudgicle as I watched TV the last few minutes of my waking hours that day).

#2 - I have been devoted to my exercise plan - I work it in at some point during the day. It has taken up a lot of my time in the evenings this week, so it has done double duty by not only burning calories ... but preventing me from consuming a day's worth of calories after supper.

#3 - I sat down with my food journal and I itemized breakfast, lunch, supper and snacks that I enjoy (and are a good calorie bargain). I sat down and did the math. If I had my breakfast smoothie, the Slim Fast shake with fruit, plus a few fruit snacks during the day ... what choices did that leave me with for supper? I juggled the books. This is what I do best - juggling around a finite number amount and making it work.

I guess I needed to track my failures and successes to try and find what did and didn't work for me. I know these things:

- I am an emotional eater. I eat for a variety of reasons, all of which are triggered by something I'm feeling internally. None of my binges were triggered by hunger.

- I am a closet eater. If I'm around people, I don't need food. I could eat 1/2 of my regularly allotted calories and be perfectly content because I am being fulfilled with people in my life.

- Food is a reward for me. I remember this from my childhood, as I requested having deep fried french fries (and nothing else) for lunch to celebrate something good that had happened to me. The taste sensations of that one weekly trip to McDonald's on Sunday evening as we sat down and watched 'The Wonderful World of Disney' together. The special can of Pringles that was bought as a treat that was shared by the whole family as we watched a special on TV. I have taken that reward system to the excess.

- Sugar is a trigger. One taste of sugar sends me on a craving frenzy. Sugar makes me crave salt; salt makes me crave fatty foods; fatty foods make me crave pop; pop = sugar ... and on we go!

- I need to plan my meals. If I know ahead of time what I will be having for supper, I can put the cravings on hold so that I can appreciate my meal. There is something to be said for anticipating what is on the menu. It sets up your taste buds for something good and healthy and alleviates that desire to fill up on something instead of supper.

The most important lesson I've learned is to focus on what is working ... and persist. As my uncle just wrote to me, about something totally unrelated to weight (quoting my Grandma) ... "Rome wasn't built in a day" (and neither was this weight gain).

Onward!

Feeling Lazy

I am not getting the feeling of accomplishment that I have become rather addicted to. I'm sitting here spinning my wheels ...

I have never seen the numbers on the scale so high before. The activities (or lack of) of late have not been good for my waistline!

What's that all about?!? I started exercising when I weighed less! And now I weigh more? What incentive is that? Sheesh!

So, I decided to sleep in (in lieu of exercising) the past few mornings. I feel better when I bounce out of bed in the morning with a purpose and a plan.

My appetite went crazy after I started exercising. My brain was in overdrive and one of the mom's that I babysit for says you eat more when you are using your brain more (she's a student, so she should know, right?). I'm frustrated.

"The Secret" says to just place an order for your ideal weight as if you were looking in a catalogue. Sounds kind of hokey, but you know what? Tonight as I sat and focused on the number on the scale that I would like to return back to, I curbed my snacking. I focused on the numbers I want to see on the scale. And recognized that I really was full. I just wanted to eat out of habit, out of comfort ... 'filling the void' again.

I feel lazy in every capacity. Fat and lazy to boot.

I'm 'ordering' my ideal weight. I think I need to order some direction back into my days so that I can have that feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day. I think I'm addicted to that feeling.

Feeling lazy is fun for a little while, but I don't want to stay here!

Down to One Pile

I have quite literally had things 'piling' up on me.

I have been putting my outstanding projects in piles, so that I know where I stand with each little thing I have on the go. Notes to myself. My little piles of paper and paper work, pictures and albums. It seems that I've had about 3 piles on the go at all times for the past week. And I'm down to one.

Phone calls have been made; emails are caught up; letters have been written and sent; outstanding 'problems' have been solved; and even my income tax is done and ready to mail.

The real boon is that I exercised for over an hour last night and kind of caught myself up from the mornings I had missed. I think I'll do the same tonight - it felt good to get physical last night after my brain work-outs of late.

I may have figured out the insatiable appetite lately as well. I have been cramming lunch and supper into my day like they are just another chore on the endless to-do-list-in-my-mind. I'll eat on the run, squeeze it in while the kids are here, so that the minute the kids are gone for the day 'the evening is mine'. Last night I waited for the last person to leave. I took my supper and sat down with it. I savored every morsel and revelled in the peace and quiet in the house ... and I was satisfied. Completely. I knew that the void I was filling had nothing to do with hunger. I also knew that I wasn't depressed or lonely or 'empty' in any capacity. None of the normal triggers to my binge eating were happening. But I think I found the 'void' that needs to be filled ... quiet time for myself.

It feels great to have just one small pile looking at me. It is the same small pile of ideas and a notepad that I've had around since I started compiling ideas and information for 'The Book'.

One small little pile. Exercise in the evening. Sitting down to eat supper. This equals contentment and 'fills me up'.

Idling

I need to idle a moment before I take my next deep breath and carry on.

This ambition/overload/idle cycle seems to be somewhat predictable. My brain won't stop even in the idling mode so I should be able to hit the ground running when the ambition mode hits again.

Exercising. I managed to do it religiously for 16 mornings in a row. Despite what I had going on in my life, I was dedicated to getting back in the habit.

Then I noticed my appetite. I am shovelling food into my already full stomach. Why? I think the stress levels have a little to do with it. But I'm wondering more about the exhaustion levels? I wonder if losing that hour of sleep in the morning to get up and exercise is messing with my food intake. So ... I didn't exercise the last two mornings. That doesn't mean that I can't get right back at it tomorrow ... but my positive 'self talk' isn't sounding too positive about this exercise thing. Not if it means doubling what I eat!

I'm sitting here staring at the computer screen ... idling ... and wondering if I should make myself some popcorn or not.

Idling ....