Insatiable

My eating habits have spiralled completely out of control. I am eating for all the wrong reasons. My stomach cannot recuperate from each onslaught of food that is ingested, before I'm at it again. Something has got to give.

I know exactly when this began.

Two weeks before I went out to Mom's (the first time), I was actually forgetting to eat. It was awesome. Meal time would arrive and I hadn't snacked since my last feeding. I forgot to feel hungry.

What was the catalyst to this change? Writing my Fitness Knowledge exam on March 1st.

As I studied and prepared for that exam, I had been bribing myself with food. As a reward, encouragement and a means to keep plugging along. Writing and passing that exam released me from the stranglehold of my snacking habit. I was cured! I thought.

Two weeks later, I found myself unexpectedly at my mom's as our family rallied together when Mom's health was in jeopardy. Things in many corners of my world were spiralling out of control and there I was. Enveloped in family. I can picture all six of us sitting in Mom's living room. Mom, all four of her kids and my niece. And in the middle of it all? A circular coffee table with a nice little selection of snacks to nibble on.

My niece started something when she ran out to get 'a few things' and ended up coming home with a goodie bag that was filled with a variety of tasty little goodies that satisfied each and every one of our cravings.

A few days later, my sister and I went to replenish the grocery supply. Eagerly wanting to come home 'the heroes', we chose a few special treats and added them to the cart. Snacks + sisters = good times. We were on a roll.

I had to leave for a week and tend to my life at home. That week is a blur. But what do I remember coming back 'home' to at Mom's?? A fully reloaded stash of snacks!

I nibbled away at those treats on the cupboard over the course of the ten days I was there. But once again, I replenished the supply when my sister returned.

Three weeks (minus a few days) after it all began (our concerns about Mom, plus the snacking), I was plunked right back into my regularly scheduled life. Without my family and minus the cache of snacks. I was empty.

There was a void within me, that wasn't being satisfied by being surrounded by my siblings and my mom. There was little that I could do about that (other than phone each day and check in). But there was one void I could fill (and have been ever since!!). The snacks.

I made it through my first night home without the snack supply, but I quickly remedied that the next day. My snack cupboard has been full to overflowing (as has my stomach) ever since.

This weekend, My Youngest and I are going out to visit Mom. Not because she needs us to be there ... but because we want to be. This weekend, the cycle that began March 15th will come full circle.

March 15th, I ran out to Mom's and had absolutely no idea what life had in store. I arrived at Mom's and felt safe and secure in the company of my family (and food). When I had to leave that atmosphere, I took 'home' what I could (the food). I am now returning to Mom's - without worry or concern.

We will have a completely normal visit. A visit that revolves around visiting and coffee. A visit where we eat because it is meal time - not because our day has revolved around meal planning.

I am returning to Mom's life-as-I-know-it. I will come home full and satisfied. That sensation will have nothing to do with food.