What We Can Control

I have often read that the only thing we can truly control is how we react to our circumstances.

I have had a myriad of life experience tossed my way this past month. And how did I react to it? Not well, by my standards.

I have been emotional. I have been angry. I have made mountains out of mole hills. I have retreated back to my 12-year-old-self. I have been overwhelmed. I have felt insecure. I allowed myself to dwell on the past.

I've been worried about Mom. I  have had challenges at work. I have taken the (second last) course required to get my Group Fitness certification. I must complete one, final challenge to get this certification. My financial situation is not healthy. I have tested the waters and met a new friend of the male variety ... and in doing so, I have been looking back instead of forward.

At the end of the first week of this past month, this is what I wrote:

"I am quite positive that each and every element of what I have found to be a challenge this week, will propel me into making decisions that are going to change the situation. This happens each and every time I feel this way. Life hits a crescendo ... and it forces me to make a positive change. I always look back at 'weeks like these' and I am grateful. Without them, I would remain stuck in situations that are not for the better good."

I had no idea what lied in store when I wrote that. After that first week, I started working on how I was reacting to my circumstances.

I was able to be there for Mom. Two weeks out of four ... I was there. I was powerless in so many ways, but I tried my best. Each member of my family has different strengths. Between the four of us, we are a team to be reckoned with. I'm glad that I was given an opportunity to 'do what I do best'.

I have come to accept my new work arrangement. As I drive home after a 'day at the shop', I must admit that it is very liberating to leave my work at work. When I get home, the rest of the day is mine. There has been a small amount of respect growing between my employer and me the past few weeks (and since I've only worked two weeks out of four, I must admit that I'm grateful that my employer allowed me the time off that I required). Things are headed in a positive direction.

I haven't even had time to stop and think since I completed my last 'Group Fitness' class. I must now choreograph and lead a one hour exercise class (which will I will be marked on). Am I overwhelmed and out of my element? Yes!! Will I give up now? No. I may put it off until I write a book and go to Alaska. But I will be back!

My finances? A small bit frightening, as small appliances are breaking down at every turn. My Second Son noticed that our material possessions seem to be crumbling before our very eyes and was afraid to tell me of that-which-broke while I was away. But it is stuff. Replacing/fixing anything that money can buy is small potatoes. We have the good fortune to be healthy. Our body parts are in good running order. If the only problems that we have, are ones that money can fix ... we are blessed.

Meeting a man? Interesting experience. What have I learned to help me move forward? Not to compromise who I am and what I hope for in life. I would rather be alone, than to be part of a relationship and be lonely. I have learned that I'm not frightened to test the waters. I have also learned that I will not sacrifice myself for the sake of another. And I want someone who is equally determined to continue to be the person that they are.

And what is the most vital quality I'm looking for in a relationship? Humor. I want to laugh at life together. As my family rallied together and faced the unknown together this past month, I hear laughter. I remember a time when my sisters came to my rescue when I was dealing with the tragedy-of-the-decade. And we laughed. We couldn't believe that we were laughing. We laughed instead of cried. I believe that it is the same emotional release - laughter verses tears. We chose to laugh.

There is truly little that we do have control over in life. This past month, I have quite possibly cried more than I have in the past few decades combined. I also laughed. I choose laughter. But I am a grateful for a life worthy of tears.

I feel like somewhat of a super hero when I say, "I can laugh in the face of danger ... face my fears ... do my best ... and carry on".

And so I will. Carry on. With a smile in my heart, for all that I am grateful for.