What I Missed

I have been back home for 38 hours now and I'm still wandering around, savoring that which I missed while I was away.

While I was at Mom's, I talked with My Youngest regularly on the phone. I didn't have a worry in the world, as his Older Brother watched over him and life went on seamlessly (perhaps even better?!) without me. I called each evening to say goodnight to My Youngest and we enjoyed our end-of-the-day conversation just as we do when I'm at home. I talked to my Second Son at length, many times. I was without worry and without guilt. They were content and happy. So I do find it odd to say that I didn't miss my children.

The first time I ran off to Edmonton (three weeks ago), I was running away from my job. I was so frustrated and angry at the situation at work, that I was grateful to leave. The problem was ... that nothing changed while I was away. I had to face up to my reality eventually and it wasn't an enjoyable way to reenter my world. Over the course of that week at home, I found acceptance in my job. I worked at a meaningful task and succeeded. I left work on a high note. It was a good way to leave. Because yesterday, 'reentry' to my work-world was as natural and easy as breathing. Did I miss work? No way. But it was easy to step back into it, because I hadn't run off and abandoned a lot of unresolved issues.

Cooking. I was responsible for keeping my mom and I fed while I was away. I had a lot of assistance. Between pulling out frozen entrees that my Oldest Sister had prepared; M & M Meats easy-to-prepare-meals; the deli department and the frozen food aisle ... my mom and I survived a week of my cooking. Back home, my Second Son adopted the stay-at-home-dad role. And he liked it!! He cooked, he cleaned, he helped My Youngest with that-which-he-needed-for-school ... he became a Mama-Son while I was away and he appeared to be basking in the glow of this new role. I came home at supper time Sunday night, fully prepared to run out and buy burgers and fries to alleviate any hunger pangs. But no. My Older Son wasn't hungry ... and My Youngest was craving Kraft Dinner. Did I miss cooking? Not a bit.

The computer. One would think, with the massive amount of time that I spend on this modern-day-time-waster ... that I would miss it immensely. One would be wrong. While I was at Mom's, I was around people 24/7, so words didn't have a chance to amass in my head. I thought. I spoke. No need to write, because I was purging my thoughts on a regular basis. In fact, Mom and I ran out of things to talk about from time to time. I utilized Mom's encyclopedias and dictionary in lieu of 'googling' something. Funny thing ... it worked. I found myself almost resenting the backlog of things-that-I-check on the computer upon my arrival back home. Did I miss my Internet connection? Amazingly ... no.

A dance event. Our studio put on a weekend of coaching, group classes and an afternoon of student routines while I was gone. I would have definitely joined the fun, had I been at home. But I wasn't. As it turned out, my niece had a dance competition last weekend. After many years of wishing that I could watch her perform, I was finally able to fulfill that dream. As the adjudicator talked to the group that competed and shared his expertise and coached all of them in ways to improve, my interest was captivated. He was telling these girls much the same thing that I would  have heard, had I been at home and participating in my own dance-weekend. I found myself in the audience instead of the stage. And I enjoyed it. I savored the view, appreciated the talent, felt my heart race with pride and excitement as I watched my niece perform. But I had no desire to be anywhere other than where I was. I can't wait for my next dance lesson and to find myself back in the studio. But I didn't miss it while I was away. I was where I wanted to be.

What did I miss, if I didn't miss everything that my life revolves around??

I missed the convenience of having my clothes in drawers. I missed the ease of getting ready in the morning, with all of my essential items in their allotted spots. I missed easy access to my toothbrush. I missed having a clothes hamper. But most of all ... I missed my pillow! I practically took a nose dive into my much savored prized possession (my feather pillow) at the end of each day since my return. I nestled my head into its spot, fluffed and contoured the pillow into the crevice of my neck ... and I have slept through the night. Two nights in a row. I missed ... sleep.

Now that I am home, I am missing being at Mom's. I quite literally thought of Mom and My Sister all day yesterday. What would they be doing now? Did they turn their errand at the mall into an adventure? Were they laughing and enjoying each other's company? Were they watching 'The Bold and the Beautiful'? Was Mom getting a lot of phone calls on her birthday? I miss being at Mom's. I miss being enveloped in my own immediate family. All of my recent thoughts and memories revolve around my brother, my sisters and my mom. I have savored these past weeks.

I was transported to a different time and place, so that I could be with my family as we rallied together. I have memories that I never would have had, otherwise. A very wise friend of mine wrote: "Sometimes, I don’t think it is even about finding solutions which is the real benefit, it is about giving that precious time in whatever ways we can."

Time. It is a gift. These past weeks, I have been exactly where I needed to be. Nestled in the comfort in my family, with the knowledge that my children were safe, happy and content at home without me. No matter where I was, I wasn't missing my family. I am blessed.