The Difference a Month Can Make

The months seem to be slipping through my fingers all of a sudden. Three months from now, I will be settling into my new life away from the one I know well. Three months.

I thrive on deadlines. This is one big reason I do believe it is in my best interest to continue to work for the foreseeable future. 

I have two casual job positions to move toward. Two opportunities to push myself out of my comfort zone at home and into the real world of people, interaction, responsibility and challenge.

I foresee quiet in my future. Time to nourish my thoughts, sit in them, write a little, feel a lot and walk through them. It is time to defrost the numbing habits I have developed and go forward from there.

I anticipate meeting new people and developing relationships. I am going "home" again. Family. Roots. Connection. I am starting to feel the tingling one feels when their frozen fingertips are coming back to life. 

I can feel the flutter of anticipation as I meet (and beat!) work deadlines. I read an article on de-cluttering and visions of filling boxes danced through my head. 

"What brings you joy?", Marie Kondo asks. Make room for the future, I tell myself.

The last time I gave this house a thorough purging was when my daycare was winding down to a close. I released the excess and made room for whatever life had in store. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was making room for Mom's belongings after she died. I have not purged since.

I look at Mom's collection of books. Some books are most definitely "Mom" and speak to me as well. Other books will never be touched. Am I ready to let those go?

I think of my ballroom dancing days and the accessories I amassed during that time. I would love to dance again but my days of excess glitter and shine? I may keep a little but I'm ready to let go of a lot.

I picture the small little home of my future and my desire to move much less than I presently own. Garage sales are in my future. The real bonus of a garage sale is actually cleaning the garage. It has been five years since the garage was cleaned.

One step at a time. Meeting deadlines has pushed me out of a slump I had been marinating in for far too long. Moving toward the future I see for myself will push me where I need to be. Then what?

It is all in my hands from there. 

Creating the life I saw for myself when we drove off the farm when I was nine years old. That nine-year-old little girl sobbing in the back seat of the car, making a solemn vow "I will grow up, become a teacher and move back". 

I grew up. I ran a daycare in lieu of teaching. I am finally moving back home. Not exactly where I grew up, but literally to where I was born.

Full circle.

Oh, the difference one month can make when we do nothing at all but let life unfold in its own way, in its own time:

March 10th

April 14th

Just imagine the potential of what could unfold when you take the reins and steer your life toward the direction you hope for.

The possibilities are endless. The reality may be entirely different. Believe "you are exactly where you are meant to be", try not to "sweat the small stuff", do what is within your control and have faith it will all work out in the end ...

April 18th

Reality may surprise you.

A Multi-Topical Post

I'm sitting in the middle of a natural "high" at the moment. Brought to me courtesy of: completing a task BEFORE a long weekend; savoring the moment of a Friday off; persevering through a challenging month; the satisfaction of the month-end credit card balance equaling $0.00; AND the morning-after elation of my 20% off shopping at Shoppers.

Where to begin? Where to begin?

I have a list of "hard things" to accomplish within my office-that-lives-at-home. There is a bonus to the satisfaction of completing these tasks due to the fact I chose my resignation date to coincide with completing, filing and finalizing all year-end tasks before my end date. Each of these tasks has a bonus prize of being the last time I am responsible for its completion. ONE big job done has paved the way for what must follow. The hard part is over.

Month-end. It snuck up on me this month. I knew I had one big deadline to meet by March 31st. What surprised me was the fact that March 31st landed on a Sunday, with Friday being a holiday. All month-end tasks were due by Thursday (March 28th). And I did it! 

I thrive on deadlines. Wishy washy "do this when you have time" goals are my enemy. Tell me I have a week? It's done. Hormones are spiked and I'm riding a natural high that endures longer than most anything else I can imagine.

Our life has been sprinkled with the reality of living life. Our senior cat's bloodwork revealed he has Stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease. We are managing this with a renal cat food diet. Dry cat food is being consumed at a near-regular rate of speed, we've supplemented his diet with canned renal cat food and we have water dishes available in multiple areas. This has brought him back to where he was about a month ago. Litter conditions are unchanged so my unofficial diagnosis is his stomach is still not tolerating his food as well as it should. But we are enjoying his presence in our lives for as long as he is comfortable. 

A reminder that life is a temporary condition always feels like a surprise. Renewed appreciation of the small stuff is the reward.

I have been getting up an hour earlier, which has given me the illusion of extra time. The morning hours have always been my favorite. Time before the rest of the world wakes up feels more sacred. I've been prepared to step into my office at a reasonable hour without sacrificing the time it takes to recharge my own batteries.

Ahhh. Taking care of oneself without guilt of stealing time out of (what should be) work hours. Guilt-free pleasures are the best.

Speaking of taking care of myself, I have been diligently trying to take better care of this body I inhabit. Drinking water and spacing my vitamins and blood pressure medication two hours apart has become a full time job. I'm considering cutting out one of my vitamins to save time (and money). Then I added the complication of making a goal of meeting my daily fiber and calcium requirements. I'm so full from nuts/fiber and dairy, that I have little desire for actual meals. I do need to add some form of exercise (walking) into this routine but honestly! When will I have the time? I'll have to squeeze it into my day before my consumption of liquids necessitates the close proximity of washroom facilities.

What goes in, must come out. I am literally flushing my system. All day, every day. I (should) feel so clean inside.

Speaking of clean, I have yet to add a thorough cleansing of our home to my regimen. Thriving on deadlines is not serving me well as yet. I am planning on moving throughout the month of July. I have 3 months to procrastinate. Thirty years at one address will not pack up in a day. I have convinced myself that completing my work related tasks will free up the energy levels required to start dealing with the excess of possessions around here. I hope I'm right.

Packing up a full-time job and office, with the addition of emptying a home feels daunting. ONE step at a time.

I love and look forward to my personal month-end tasks. The games I play within my budget scheme are plentiful. They provide challenge, entertainment and joy. Let me tell you about my most recent joyful moment ...

Our weekly milk requirements revolve around senior's 20% off days at Shoppers. The bonus of Seniors Day at Shoppers is the minimum age requirement - 55 years. You better believe I mentioned this gift in my brother's 55th birthday card. It is a rite of passage and I have owned it. Add the association between Superstore's bonus points being added to the Shopper's Optimum card and it is a winning combination. 

Thanks to a bonus offer I couldn't refuse, I easily amassed $30.00 worth of points on my Optimum card. After an extremely expensive month, I opted to cash in $20.00 worth of those points when I made my weekly purchase. Add that to my 20% off savings and look at what I bought for $3.17 last night!!

Look at all that calcium and fiber!! $3.17!!! I am over the moon!

I need to save all the pennies I can. I have another expensive month on the horizon. New summer tires, an oil change, a few social outings (being reclusive is a much more affordable hobby), refilling my quarterly prescription, a hair cut and an unhealthy cat equals financial insecurity into my regularly scheduled life.

April is right around the corner and I'm already anticipating the satisfaction of enduring yet another month and summing it all up with my favorite number. Zero. Zero credit card balance + a near-zero savings account balance isn't my favorite combo, but it's better than the alternative.

All this and it is a holiday Friday to boot. Life just doesn't get any better ...

Moving Toward

There has been a shift in my mindset lately. My focus is where I am heading instead of where I am.

My regularly scheduled stressors have felt more manageable because the end is near. My work here is (almost) done. I must accomplish what needs to be done, lay the groundwork for what happens next and let it go.

The bigger picture is what I am moving toward. Settling into my little weekend oasis which will become my new permanent home. HOME. Home ...

I am picturing and imagining how I will make this shared cabin-feeling house into a place where I am making decisions based on my personal preferences. No cats, dependents or anyone but me need to be taken into consideration.

I got married and moved out of home when I was 17 years old. I went from living with Mom, Dad and my brother to living with my husband. Then we had a baby. 

There have been two additional, well spaced out children added to my dependent-count as well as a rotating number of dogs, (mostly) cats and a few pet rodents (a few wild ones too). My marriage was one of an on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again (repeat one more time) variety and my second long term relationship never resulted in sharing a roof. 

There were 14 years of full-time daycaring, when almost all home repair, improvement and renovations were made based on the necessity of having a child-friendly home. 

Then came the years (three and counting) of bookkeeping from home. One bedroom dedicated 100% to a home office, file storage space encompassing half of the available floor space in a second bedroom and a holding space for four (very) large filing cabinets in our "flex space" (ie - room without a purpose). 

I have always shared my home with others. Even when my children were on a holiday or away for some reason, there was always a four-footed critter afoot, to explain away any bumps in the night. 

I have never lived alone.

In just over three months, I am moving into a dependent-free; cat-free; and (almost) office-free home. My foot is in the door, with a casual job position in my new home town. I am close enough to start imagining how life will look and feel when I am there.

I have a renewed appreciation for where I am, because I know it is not where I am going to stay. I'm moving forward and toward a renewed life.

I am looking at our generic cabin-like house and beginning to see beyond what is and envisioning what it can become.

Ahhh ... to look forward and allow myself to dream again. There is much work to be done to get from "here" to "there" but the mere act of moving toward a goal is life affirming.

A shift in perspective is hard to come by when a person is in the thick of coping with life-as-it-is. Moving toward a small goal is a baby step in the right direction.

An Expensive Quarter

I spotted a quarter on the ground as soon as I took a step off our back door deck. One rarely finds loose change these days, so I held on to it so I could tell my sister of my good fortune during our walk.

We walked and talked, and talked and walked, as we always do. Then all of a sudden I slipped on a small patch of ice and my newly found quarter flew out of my hand. I still hadn't gotten around to telling my sister my most recent good news, so it hadn't made it to my pocket yet.

The moment the quarter skidded across the icy patch, I quickly told my sister why I was holding onto it. Of course I was going to retrieve my quarter (most likely my son's quarter, but we'll figure out custody at a later date). 

My sister immediately recoiled. She thought I was going to break through the ice and land in the puddle of water which was beneath it. I was not afraid. Twenty five cents is twenty five cents. It was a lucky quarter and I went after it.

I made it back to the safety of the walking path and then I slipped. Allegedly, my head was mere centimeters from hitting the pavement, but that was lost on me. My glasses slipped and one of my lens' popped out onto the ground. 

Oh well. Easy fix. I maintained ownership of the quarter (now safely tucked into my pocket) and put the lens from my glasses in the same pocket. Still holding my disabled glasses in the same hand I'd been holding the quarter (I didn't want to take the chance of bending the frame so I didn't pocket them). 

You know where this is going, don't you?

You're right. Nearing the end of our walk, I decided to take the chance on putting the glasses into my pocket. As I did so, I dropped them on the icy ground. Undoubtedly, lens down. I'm fairly certain the lens is scratched. Hmphf.

All for the sake of a quarter. A rather expensive find indeed.

P.S. My knee feels bruised as well - but without the satisfaction of a purple and blue discolorment, all I have left, is the "ouch" of not wanting to kneel on that knee today. 

I do feel fortunate I didn't land on my face though. It was a pretty cheap tumble after all.

Hidden Blessings

Life threw us a few curve balls this past week ...

Our Senior Cat in Residence took a sharp turn for the worse one day. The vet cured his sneezing and excessive mucous condition, but almost immediately after he completed his dose of antibiotics things started to change.

I thought it was an side effect of the medication. I assumed once the antibiotics were out of his system he would be back to his regular self. I was wrong.

Litter conditions changed, there was another somewhat steep decline in food consumption. In the past, when one cat lost some weight, the second cat gained it. Total cat weight stayed the same. Food consumption remained static. This was not the case.

When the cat food started to last much longer than usual several months ago, my thoughts immediately went to the cost savings. Instead of going through one bag every four weeks, it was lasting five weeks. When my daughter commented on the recent decline in cat food consumed, along with our Senior Cat losing more weight, it raised alarm bells.

Then one day (it seemed suddenly, but in actuality it had been happening gradually for quite some time), Senior was laying down in odd spots throughout the day. The bathroom tiled floor, the bathtub and en route to wherever he was going. By nightfall, I noticed his walking was severely compromised. He was wobbling and could barely stand, let alone walk. My daughter had observed the same and we convened in the hallway where he stalled. 

This was serious. It felt like it happened overnight (it didn't). I honestly wondered if he would make it through the night. My daughter slept with one eye and two ears open all night (she didn't sleep). He made it.

In unrelated events (but I promise to tie the two subjects together) ...

The next morning, our internet went out. Just as I was thinking how fortunate we were that the city was grading our back alley, POOF! Our services were cut (literally - the grader dug up our internet cable which had not been buried). After a phone call to our service provider and some troubleshooting, we were put on a two day wait list for a service call.

The perfect storm ended up being a blessing in disguise.

No internet = more family time + a sick cat = lots of desire to talk it through.

Long story short, we took our cat to the vet and her suspicion is our cat's kidneys aren't functioning properly. Blood tests will confirm or deny, but the cure's starting cost is medication at the cost of approximately $130 per month PLUS a new diet of special renal cat food. She did give our cat one pill which stimulated his appetite and the increase of nutrients definitely smoothed things out the past few days. But it isn't a cure. We firmly believe our cat is in his end days.

Our missing internet connection provided the best conditions we could wish for, as my ability to work was hampered and my daughter's desire to be on the computer was thwarted.

We talked, we reminisced, we simply sat with each other's company while enjoying moments with our ailing kitty.

It was the worst of times, but we managed to turn them into the best moments one could hope for under the circumstances. There can be small blessings buried deeply within some of the hardest of times. 

Ray's favorite resting spot has been on the register of the bathroom for quite a spell now.
I added the comfort of the softest hand towel we have and he seems to appreciate my effort.

**Update - a recent check-in brought encouraging news. Ray seems to be doing well and appears to be walking normally. His blood tests are still pending. My hope is perhaps a change of "gold-nugget" cat food (Ray has been on an expensive special gastro-intestinal diet since shortly after we adopted him) may ease us through this next phase. Who knows? We can hope for the best...**

After the Storm - 2 Weeks later

Written a week ago (and abandoned) ...

A week after the storm has passed, it is looking a lot like Christmas around here. Christmas - with longer daylight hours, a warmer sun and spring not too far away.

We were fortunate my son dug us out with his skid steer. He made short work of what would have been more hours and muscle power than I can imagine. It was much of an issue as to where to put the snow, but the man-hours required to take on the job would have been monumental.

The resulting snow pile in the front yard brought back warm memories of my daycaring days, when one of my dads (whose winter work included snow clearing and removal) dumped a load of snow for the kid's entertainment. Making the most out of winter includes snow forts, snow hills, snow-people, frolicking in snow piles and simply enjoying the gifts of nature.

Rabbit tracks in the snow bring a smile to my heart every time ...

Two weeks later ...

I abandoned this post in lieu of living life quietly and letting Mother Nature deal with the excess snow.

I smiled when I spotted rabbit tracks on the mountain of snow in our front yard and was absolutely delighted when this happened:

 

Did you spot it? The rabbit hiding in plain sight??

Ahh ... the joys of rabbit-spotting. There is really nothing quite like it.

This winter station break was so much more enjoyable knowing it will all soon be gone.

But I'm glad for the moments it brought to us, right in our own front yard.

The Storm

                                             Yesterday                                                    Today

Presently

 

Yesterday

Presently

And yes ... it is still snowing.

Thankfully, reinforcements are coming tomorrow. I know a guy with a skid steer. Lucky me!

The Calm Before the Storm

I am sitting in a warm, insulated, fully stocked bubble of joy this morning. Snow is coming. Lots of it. And I am all nestled in, in the way I aim to live every single weekend - no errands to run and everything I need is in the house or within walking distance.

My small promise to myself is "don't drive on the weekend". It started when I spent a lot of weekends in my little oasis away from home. A small house in a small town where one doesn't need to drive anywhere. I would park the car when I arrived Friday night and it wouldn't move until I went home Monday morning. 

I loved the feeling of having a car available but not needing to use it. It took me back to my daycaring days, when I worked at home and everything we did during the day had to be within walking distance. It was the exact opposite of today's reality. The feeling of knowing the car is available but not utilized is a comfort.

Suddenly, Mom comes to mind. When she gave up her driver's license it was an assault to her freedom. She drove only when necessary, her routes were tried and true, she drove only when driving conditions were at their best and only in the daylight hours. She drove so little, her car battery died on her one time. Yet - she knew the option to drive herself and be fully independent was available.

There was a stretch of time between when she stopped driving and when her car insurance ran out, when she kept her car in the garage so it was still available for someone else to drive for her. I do believe being a passenger in her own car was perhaps one of her favorite modes of transportation. "Driving Miss Daisy Margaret" was a movie she often referred to, when it came to describing her ideal way of getting around.

It is a great comfort to have all you need within the place you call home and know your independence is fully intact. It feels even better when you have the added insurance of knowing your supplies are fully stocked and everything you need to occupy yourself is within the walls you call home.

I'm feeling pretty fortunate this morning. Milk, toilet paper, grocery, home, cat and office supplies are in stock. The car's gas tank is full, credit card balances are all sitting at my favorite number in the world - zero. Library books and DVD's are queued up and ready to entertain me. I can finalize my taxes, finish organizing my office files, finish shredding the last of a very large box of personal shredding (and there is so much more where that came from!). I can work, I can play, I can write, I can read, I could call a friend. 

It is the calm before the storm. In so very many ways ...

The before:

A foot of snow is in our forecast, so I will update "the after" very soon.

The storm ...

Love is in the Air

I don't rabbit-watch much these days. If a rabbit isn't in sight when I gaze out our living room window, I don't linger like I did once upon a lifetime ago.

We haven't had much snow this year, so I haven't sprinkled grain under our tree to supplement the rabbit's winter diet. Without the rabbit-food nor snow to track their movements, all has seemed pretty quiet.

Snow did finally arrive and with it, rabbit tracks and evidence of rabbits circling our tree checking out the food supply (yes, I did sprinkle the grain when the ground was covered in snow). Even at that, I have only managed a few rabbit sightings.

I am fairly certain the number of rabbits in our neighborhood hasn't changed. The difference is the time I spend devoted to rabbit watching. As I quickly walk away from the living room window, I remember the days/hours/time I used to spend at the window. 

"Hiding in plain sight" is what rabbits do best. I would stare into the winter scene and try to discern clumps of snow from rabbits. They look remarkably alike. I can lose sight of a rabbit if I take my eyes off the while they are on the move. Only to find them again, if they start moving.

While I miss those days spent at the living room window, I am frustrated at my new self. There is a hollow feeling inside of me that isn't patient enough to wait until a rabbit hops into view. Hopefulness and patience seem to be in short supply.

This morning, the moment I opened the blinds two rabbits were quickly making there way towards our yard. They had been startled by an early morning walker. They went off in two different directions as a strategy to keep at least one of them safe from danger. When the walker moved on and showed no sign of pursuit, they reunited very shortly thereafter, then hopped along down the street and out of sight.

The flurry of rabbit activity spurred me into glancing again. 

This time, there were three rabbits on the move. Once stopped, the lead rabbit hunkered down and faced the other two. Hmmm ... was I witnessing a female with two male suitors? When one of the (presumed) males confronted the "lead rabbit" (aka: female?), she hissed at him and he backed off. The second rabbit did not take advantage of the possibility of him being first choice. They soon hopped away, the female still leading the way, started burrowing into a small pile of snow, but abandoned that idea when her suitors were still interested. Soon enough, they hopped out of sight and I don't know the rest of their story.

My rabbit-tale coincided nicely with the date. Could it be that I was witnessing a little spring rabbit-love in the air?

Lots of rabbit tracks ... no rabbits in sight. 

But they aren't far.

Delightfully Uncomplicated

As I sit here this morning, coffee at my side and a little time on my hands, life feels delightfully uncomplicated.

There is no reason for today to feel different from other days. I simply woke up at my home-away-from-home and I'm ready to log another work day at my new job.

New jobs are fraught with stresses and complications. This is no different. The difference is me.

I'm taking a step towards my future. I feel comfortable. I feel comforted. I feel better.

I took a picture of our backyard and realized as I was taking it, the kitchen cupboards were reflected in the shot. It reflects a little of how I feel at the moment. 

Eyes on the present moment, while reflecting upon where I'm at and quietly plotting what I need to do to get here.

Now What?

I stumbled upon Brooke Shield's podcast "Now What?" a few days ago. Everything about it speaks to me. Starting with the title. "Now what?"

That is exactly where I am right now. Purgatory. One foot in two different worlds. Each foot feeling solidly placed but the space in between (where my head and thoughts reside) is feeling torn and angsty.

Thus, Brooke's podcast had me from the moment GO. All of her guests share a story of  "Now what?" moments. That spot where you must move on from where you are. A place when life forces your hand and you must move onward and out of an existing situation.

I have a good history of knowing what to do next when life forces my hand. It is entirely different when I'm the one who is navigating the course. Indecision, uncertainty and rerunning the same words and scenarios over and over in my head and conversations has become old. 

I'm tired of the loop I'm in. I cannot imagine those who are listening to my repetitive conversations. "Make a move. Make a change. Make a decision. And act accordingly, Girl!!"

The forward steps I have taken into my "Now what" decision feel right. I have a deep sense of feeling I'm headed in the right direction. Until I come back home. 

It is hard to move onto from someplace so comforting, familiar and full of good memories. It's hard to let go of something good and reach toward something new. Am I just running away from life-as-I-know it? Or walking towards a future I believe in? A little bit of both.

It is the running-away-from element that haunts me. I know I need to let go before I move on. Letting go is hard.

Now what?

A Fresh, New Day

I swear the phases of the moon have something to do with my coping abilities. Or maybe it is as simple as a few new worries added to my unresolved living-a-life issues.

I started yesterday morning by writing down a list of the thoughts that were dominating my thinking. Recognizing the fast majority were "chronic" (ongoing, with no defined resolution in sight) with no new concerns added was something worth noting. More importantly, it was the three new topics added to the mix that was tipping the scales.

I ticked off seven of the nine tasks on yesterday's list of tasks to tend, with a few extra sub-heading tasks within the tasks. Most importantly, it was managing my new worries that made the biggest impact.

I made a few outbound phone calls. I made a few decisions. I gathered some facts. I ran all my errands while I was already out of the house. 

I did what was within my control. It all boils down to the serenity prayer. 

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Yesterday morning, I wrote in bold felt pen "No control" after the "what then?" questions within my list of overwhelming thoughts. In other areas, I wrote "Action plan" when there were steps I could take to manage a concern - no matter how big or small. 

There is something empowering about those words - "action plan". The action could be as simple as finding out more information. Gathering intel to utilize at a later date. 

It's a fresh, new day. A clean slate. 

And it is Friday!

I'm 63 years old and still living for the weekend.

I'm 63 years old and still living.

That is what is worth noting.

Spiralling

I'm in a thought spiral this morning, so I reverted to my old ways of managing the words spinning around in my head. I grabbed a pen and paper. 

Seeing the words on a piece of paper has a way of taming them. You can see you aren't thinking about a million different things - you are more likely to be thinking of a small number of things in a million different ways.

I started with the topic front and foremost in my mind, made bullet points about my thoughts, concerns, potential action plans and what was or wasn't within my control.

I came up with eight main focuses of concern. Five of these are ongoing. Three are new. Some are inter-connected (ie: our cat's chronic mucous-spewing sneezing is impacting my house-keeping abilities). Money is a common thread throughout most of my ongoing worries.

Note the white spots - I have discovered our cat's mucous bubbles up when sprayed with hydrogen peroxide. This is a section of the floor I washed up after supper last night. The knowledge that this is all over our floors, walls, doors and furniture is causing great angst. 

Work is taking up the number one spot of my anxieties, inter-connected with and followed closely by money. This is not a surprise. I have taken action and handed in my notice, which has compounded the troubles instead of lessening them.

I started a clean page titled "TODAY". I itemized that which must be done, will be done and can be done today. 

Breaking things down into manageable pieces. It is about all we can do. It is what we must do in order to take the next step forward.

I admit that "shower" is one of the items on today's to-do-list. These must-do items may be as small as that which, depending on the day, is a big thing. 

I endeavor to keep my regular list of must-do's pretty basic:

• Get out of bed
• Make the bed
• Wash my glasses
• Make my morning smoothie/coffee
• Wash my smoothie glass/coffee cup
• Clean cat litter/refresh cat water

That's it. I make it a rule to keep my bed made, the kitchen counter and sink empty and clean, tend to our cats and THEN do one hard thing at a time.

Work is hard. Extra-curricular housecleaning is hard. Running errands, leaving the house, going to appointments are all hard. Some phone calls are hard. 

Lately, when the going gets tough, the tough turns on Netflix. So you know what? I gave myself the gift of one more month of grocery delivery. For the small cost of $9.96 per month, I can let someone else shop, pack up and deliver my groceries for me. Winter has finally arrived and our temperatures have dipped to -28º this morning. I will forfeit something else in order to allow myself this indulgence.

What gift to you give yourself when the going gets tough? We all need a little something to pick us up at times. Give yourself a break today. You deserve it.

Life is a Puzzle

I have no idea what I'm going to write. No theme, no outline, no photo to direct my thoughts into one cohesive post. But I'm going to write anyway. It's been a while since I let my fingers do the talking. Let's see what they have to say.

I feel like I'm in a freefall right now. Parachute is not yet engaged, I don't see the ground, I'm just falling.

I'm looking for safety nets but unsure what to ask of them. I need to know they are there but I don't want to use them.

I feel like I'm falling from another galaxy, destination earth, ETA is six months but I don't have a map. I don't know what country I'm going to land in. Will I sink or swim when I get there?

Is there such a thing as a plan? I stopped planning years ago when life started doling out surprise detours on a rather regular basis. I could hear the snide voice inside my head snicker, "So you think you can plan, huh? Heh, heh, heh!"

Life is a puzzle. It starts out with about 5,000,000,000,000,000,000 pieces (or more). One by one, little pieces fall together. 

As an infant, someone else is in control of finding all the edge pieces and creating some groundwork and boundaries. 

As a toddler, you find a few fun, challenging and interesting parts of the puzzle and start putting together the easy parts. 

Teen years? You start looking at other people's puzzles, try forcing your puzzle pieces to fit in. 

Adulthood arrives and you only see a pile of pieces, not yet sorted into manageable colors and themes. The puzzle is overwhelming, so many choices, too much/too little direction. You are an adult. You should be able to figure out this puzzle of life and it may feel like you aren't ready. Or you feel like you are ready and you start off with the pieces that didn't fit in with the whole picture yet. 

You start trying to fit yourself into someone else's puzzle. Find the connecting pieces. Find a way to fit in. You may abandon your own puzzle pieces altogether, as someone else's puzzle looks like a better fit. Mixing up multiple puzzles becomes an onerous task. It is only after multiple attempts, when you realize you have to work on your own puzzle, do the best with what you are given, accept and nurture what you have first, foremost and always.

Many a lifetimes are spent within our own lifetime, finding the right piece to make sense of the unfinished picture. We build up one part of our puzzle to discover there is so much more to decipher.

When we are fortunate, we find little bunches of "easy" pieces. The pictures our eyes pick out and focus on. Our passions. 

Family is trickier. They are mixed in with all the zillions of puzzle pieces. They are familiar but they morph and grow and evolve over time so it's a challenge to find how those pieces fit into the puzzle of life. 

Homes, jobs, teachers, bosses, bullies, caregivers, friends and all the supporting cast within your life. Some of those pieces are a one time event, others carry forward throughout your puzzle of life. A common thread, a theme, encouraging words, hurtful exchanges, tough learning experiences, heart ache and heart break. It's all there, mixed up in those trillions of pieces left to piece together. 

The sky, the trees, the water - always there. Tough to decipher pieces that appear to be identical until we look at them close up and figure out how they fit into the entirety of our picture. Faith, health, inner peace, the air we breath in and out every day. All around us, invisible to the eye. 

Each day, framed by the monotony of life - eating. sleeping, making the bed, cooking, working, caretaking, house and yard maintenance, paying the bills, cleaning the cat litter. The repetition, the necessity of the daily grind that is the structure and constant within the whole. 

We spend our lifetime working on our puzzle. In search of a missing piece. Trying to fit in. Finding a piece we aren't ready for yet but not wanting to abandon it. The discovery that the piece that doesn't fit is from someone else's puzzle. Separating your parents/siblings/partners/children/friends puzzle pieces from your own, while incorporating a portion of their pieces into your picture. Attempting to visualize the entire picture.

Then comes a time when your pieces are dwindling. You know you have a finite amount of time to piece it all together. How do you make some pieces (safety/security, home, health, money) last as long as it takes before your puzzle is complete, when you have no idea how many pieces are left?

Puzzling, isn't it?

A Little Moment of Awesome

I woke up before 4:30 this morning and stayed awake. These bonus hours are a gift to myself today.

It snowed yesterday. The first substantial snowfall of the year. And it was good.

I put in a solid day of bookkeeping work and though my brain was done thinking at the day's end, it was truly refreshing to go outside and shovel. It was the right amount of cold. Not too cold, not too warm ... it was the "Goldilocks Zone" of being just right.

Last year I didn't bother bringing out anything pertaining to Christmas. I wasn't all bah-humbug about it. I simply didn't see the point. No company was expected, nor did the idea of changing the scenery to reflect the season bring me joy. So I didn't decorate. The end.

This year, I invited friends over at a pre-seasonally-appropriate time. It wasn't too early to decorate and I had the incentive required for me to take on the task. 

I felt joyful and light as I brought out my box of memories. I was delighted while adorning my corner shelf with stories of Christmases past and pleased with the result.

It is January 6th and I am still enjoying the white light, memories and peaceful easy feeling my little Christmas corner brings to me. The decorations consist mainly of angels, snowmen, pine accents, sleighs and pinecones. I am now officially dubbing it my "Winter Wonderland" corner.

I feel serenity within me this morning. I'm just going to coast a little while on this feeling. 

Life is fleeting. 

Please savor those little moments when you find them.

P.S. There were rabbit tracks in the snow. Oh, how I have missed my rabbit friends. They can come out of hiding now, as their winter white coats will finally blend into the scenery so they can hide in plain sight again.

Little things...

2024 Price Check

I don't know which obsession is taking up the most space in my brain - new calendars for the year 2024, or the ability to check prices over the course of the past few years.

My calendar needs are pretty basic. One wall calendar for personal use; one desk calendar for business use; one daytimer for business use. Amen. End of story. End of my needs.

I have received a wall calendar annually thanks to being on a high school reunion mailing list. It is the perfect size; the boxes allow enough room to make notations; and it is FREE. It wins first prize for all my needs. The only pitfall is it didn't arrive until the last week of December, so I panicked and picked up a calendar for $1.25 at the dollar store. It was much bigger than needed, took up too much space on the wall and (worst of all!), I spent $15.54 on unnecessary chocolates and treats when I bought my cheap calendar. I wasted time and money on an unnecessary purchase. 

Calendars to the left - total cost $7.75 + taxes + $95 (!!) extracurricular spending while in the dollar store in search of a bargain priced calendar.

Calendars to the right - FREE!! delivered to me in the mail, with no added costs.

Meanwhile, my obsession with the higher costs of living these days had me comparing prices between calendars purchased over the years.

2023/2024 - $1.50 NO increase

2022/2023/2024 - $3.50 NO increase

The moral of the story seems to be:

 "Keep some prices the same to lure customers into the store and spend their money on impulse buys".

They got me hook, line and sinker. Fool me once - shame on them. Fool me twice (or three times, as I am almost certain I didn't buy the 2022/2023 calendars without overspending) shame on me.

I know better. In 2024, I will try harder.

The only consolation I have, is the number of times I talked myself out of take-out, which most likely countered the impulse purchases (aka: cookies, chocolate & chips - the 3 deadly C's). 

My average monthly take-out spending has decreased by $100 monthly since COVID (yes, I keep track of these things), 

so all things considered my obsession with calendars over the years probably balances out in the end.

Just my meandering thoughts this morning. 

Carry on!

Six Months

Back to work. Back to my previously scheduled life. Back to the same old, same old.

As much as I love routine, the comfort of knowing my job well and all the benefits of working from home ... this part of my life is winding to a close. Six months. I gave notice last year. I now have six months to wind things up and pass the torch.

This knowledge should have me kicked into high gear right about now but I'm feeling overwhelmed. I am missing my teacher/my boss/my colleague/my support/my guiding light. 

If she was sitting in the office beside me, she would have a to-do-list written up and a timeline and outline of what must be done. I can do that. I am capable and her words still guide me.

My work situation prior to COVID was becoming unmanageable. Working from home bought three more years of employment than I would not have been capable of, if nothing had changed. 

I am grateful for that time, the experience I gained, the financial security of a regular pay cheque and the comfort of staying with a job I know well.

Now that there is an end in sight, I ponder the wisdom of waiting so long. There is no going back. Forward is the only option. Forward is good. Forward is a tad frightening.

Six months from now, the goal is to be living in my little oasis home away from home. The intention has been set. The path has been cleared. I have found employment in my new-to-me town. It is as simple as packing up my home and office, then passing my responsibilities over to the next generation.

July 1, 2024 ... oh, how I wonder how my life will look in six short months...

An empty calendar page at the moment.

It holds the potential for oh, so many things.

Happier

I stumbled upon Oprah and Arthur Brooks book "Build the Life You Want" yesterday and immersed myself in the three part YouTube discussion between Oprah and Arthur on their book. 

I rarely buy a book these days, much preferring to borrow from our local library. But this was an exception. I have a feeling this could be one of those books I want to share with the world around me. It feels as though it could be a reference guide to "happierness" - a word Oprah coined and Arthur concurred it described the concept best.

The quest for happiness is elusive and one never attains the goal and keeps it. Life ebbs and flows. We can't be happy all of the time but we can hope to feel happier. 

It is a book about the art and science of getting happier. Arthur is a professor who teaches a class on the subject. He speaks in a language I feel my most discerning child would hear. 

The conversation spoke to everything I am feeling and living these days. I have already suggested watching it together with my daughter, as it seems like this could be a good reference for her. And she did not shoot down the idea. 

I have hope. Renewed hope that the science of becoming happier may be the fork in the road most needed right now. 

Wishing and hoping for a hopeful, happier New Year to all! 

Our world could use a dose of  happierness...