Homeostasis

My new-found favorite word is "homeostasis". As defined by Google AI: Homeostasis is the process by which living organisms maintain a stable internal environment despite external changes.

This process of maintaining a stable internal environment, in my case my home/home-life, describes my need for a calm, quiet, orderly home and constant need for grounding by being home.

I remember the conscious awareness of the feeling of calm, safety and order when it was finally restored when I left my marriage a third and final time. Our home enviromnent was stable despite the chaos that ensued after ending my marriage. 

I have never forgotten the contrast between the before and after of my marriage. Any time there has been a threat to the feeling of serenity within the walls I call home, I have been able to make the changes required to return to that stability.

Various relationships and work environments have evolved due to my deep seated need (knowledge) that something had to change to bring me back to where I needed to be.

People have commented on my ability to adapt, reset, restart and basically trust my intuition. My true north is my need for this feeling of stability. My homeostasis has guided and contines to guide me in the direction I need to go.

I believe we all have this deep inner "knowing". Taking one step towards that knowing can feel impossible. Trusting it will all work out in the end may seem impossible.

I'm very fortunate to have had the privilege to make some giant leaps of faith. It has felt like jumping without a parachute at times. But I always knew I had some safety net to catch me if I ended up in a free-fall. I simply knew I had to do something to bring my life back into balance.

Every time I made a big change, I had a contingency plan of some sort. I knew Mom had my back in a worst-case-scenario. I was shaken after she died. Knowing I had to have my own back (which I had all along) was a little unnerving. 

Life is so big and scary. It is full of unknowns. It can change in a New York Minute. The need to maintain a stable internal environment despite external changes is vital. 

May you find and keep returning to your own personal homeostasis.

A Little Moment of Awesome

I woke up before 4:30 this morning and stayed awake. These bonus hours are a gift to myself today.

It snowed yesterday. The first substantial snowfall of the year. And it was good.

I put in a solid day of bookkeeping work and though my brain was done thinking at the day's end, it was truly refreshing to go outside and shovel. It was the right amount of cold. Not too cold, not too warm ... it was the "Goldilocks Zone" of being just right.

Last year I didn't bother bringing out anything pertaining to Christmas. I wasn't all bah-humbug about it. I simply didn't see the point. No company was expected, nor did the idea of changing the scenery to reflect the season bring me joy. So I didn't decorate. The end.

This year, I invited friends over at a pre-seasonally-appropriate time. It wasn't too early to decorate and I had the incentive required for me to take on the task. 

I felt joyful and light as I brought out my box of memories. I was delighted while adorning my corner shelf with stories of Christmases past and pleased with the result.

It is January 6th and I am still enjoying the white light, memories and peaceful easy feeling my little Christmas corner brings to me. The decorations consist mainly of angels, snowmen, pine accents, sleighs and pinecones. I am now officially dubbing it my "Winter Wonderland" corner.

I feel serenity within me this morning. I'm just going to coast a little while on this feeling. 

Life is fleeting. 

Please savor those little moments when you find them.

P.S. There were rabbit tracks in the snow. Oh, how I have missed my rabbit friends. They can come out of hiding now, as their winter white coats will finally blend into the scenery so they can hide in plain sight again.

Little things...

Serenity

Serene is not a word I would use to describe myself lately. Yet when I sit and ponder the world swirling about me, I think I'll give myself a little more credit.

There are a number of situations where I feel I have no control. My decision is to keep doing what I am doing until I can do it no more. It is my decision. I have a choice.

I could quit, walk away, be angry and deal with the repercussions from my actions. I could confront, offer options, suggestions and start a conversation. I could feel spiteful, stew in my own turmoil and let things simmer up until they boil. Or I could be still, listen to my thoughts, feel what I'm feeling and act on those thoughts later.

I am pretty good at compartmentalizing this little life of mine. I can physically close the door of my office at home. All of my work is contained within that enclosed space. I close the door in a physical sense and I feel myself walk away mentally. Normally, I don't carry the weight of my work load outside the door. Other factors may seep out from under the door and leak out into my ability to cope. But the workload itself? Pretty well contained.

The physical door of my office is a good metaphor for the mental doors I have erected. I can be in the moment, feel compassion, care deeply and wonder if I have anything of value to offer when I am in the presence of someone who is going through something hard. Yet when I hang up the telephone or the communication ends, my residual thoughts go toward "Is there anything I can do?" In most cases, there is little action  anyone can do to ease someone else's load. Personally, I know the value of having someone listen, give me the ability to hear my own thoughts outside my head and that alone helps lighten my load. 

I listen, I care, then I let it go. I don't take ownership of someone else's troubles. If I kept the weight of everyone's woes on my shoulders I would be immobile and of no use to be there the next time. 

The Serenity Prayer was my guiding light during a dark time in my life and I believe its message has been engrained into my subconscious mind:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference"

Serenity. Courage. Wisdom. 

If you are in a situation where you cannot change something, I hope there is a glimmer of serenity you can hold onto. At least for now. 

Be still, listen to your thoughts, feel what you are feeling and act on those thoughts when you can.

Wordless Wednesday

I have been living life "intentionally" for just over a week now and I am exhausted.

In an effort to keep to my commitment of blogging daily, I thought posting a picture that brings me joy would suffice. 

This picture is my definition of bliss. Sitting at the table in my little oasis away from home, a cup of coffee, pen and paper and a picture perfect view. I look at this and I feel the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. The word that most often falls off the tip of my pen when I sit down to write at this little piece of serenity is "ahhhh".

This picture was taken October 24th. Seven months ago. I am not saying that is the last time I felt a blissful moment such as this. I feel it each and every time I sit in this spot as I write my morning pages and greet the day. But it made me realize I should stop and take a picture when I'm in a moment when I'm fully present and breathing in the day more often. 

Maybe that can be an easy way of reinforcing this "intentional life" - to not only stop and smell the roses, but to snap a picture to mark the moment so when I wake up to a wordless kind of day, I can sift through my pictures and find one that says it all.

Not such a wordless Wednesday, after all.

Sunday Serenity

I have disconnected myself from electronics every Sunday for several Sundays now. How can I describe this in three words or less? It feels incredible!

I allow myself one caveat. I do leave my cell phone on the kitchen counter so I can still hear when an incoming message arrives. Some of the best things happen by allowing myself to be open to a spur of the moment invitation or phone call. But everything else is off. No computer, no TV, no surfing the Internet, no Netflix.

The hum of technology is draining me. Always feeling "on" is exhausting. I am losing my sense of self by numbing myself in Netflix marathons and falling into the rabbit holes of "discovery" on the Internet.

The moment I turn off all my connections, I am immediately drawn to "Mom's Room".

The moment I am in that room, I want to read. I settle onto Mom's love seat, get comfortable and I can't wait to lose myself in a book. Every time I stumble into an unfamiliar word, I grab Mom's dictionary from the side pocket of the end table beside me, breathe in the essence of Mom and carry on.

Sundays are not long enough. I can't get enough of what Sunday has to offer. I long for another "Sunday" the moment my existing Sunday is spent.

Sunday is a day defined by doing all things that bring quiet, serenity and joy into my soul. I see why Oprah has "Super Soul Sundays" - Sunday is a very good day to tend to your inner sense of joy.

May you make room for a day of disconnection and soul searching. I highly recommend it!