It's a Beautiful Morning!

I am waking up to a five-day work week. And I'm okay with that. I'm really okay.

The weekend past, was a re-energizing two days. There was no real agenda other than puttering. Just do one thing and see where it goes. A lightly scheduled amount of being social. Just enough to motivate me to be prepared for company. Mostly, to prepare meals for my five-day work week, with a side benefit of having food ready to serve. Just in case.

If you make it, they will come. And they did. It was good. Very good.

This is my view, as I have my morning smoothie, blog a little and do my daily puzzles:

Yesterday morning, I was entertained by a couple of robins. A named them Momma and Poppa because they were doing a little frolicking which makes me believe baby robins will follow. This morning, a mourning dove caught my eye as it strolled through yard, rummaged through some debris and flew off with a twig. I imagine it is building a nest somewhere close by.

I took time to simply sit back, watch and create little stories for my feathered friends who share the yard. I forgot to look outside, watch and listen to nature last year. This year, I am grounded enough to see and appreciate what is in my own back yard. Again. I love this little spot in my world. I savored the moments. And it was good. Very good.

Exhaustion hit me in the middle of the day, so I grabbed a book, went upstairs to my Daybed Room, nestled into the cushions on the daybed. And read. My neck was comfortable. I was very comfortable. A little too comfortable. I nodded off to sleep for a bit. It felt good. Very good.

I woke up and thought a very foreign thought (for me). "I should vacuum". And I did. Late in the afternoon, for no other reason than "I should". So I did. It was good. Very good.

Every little thing I managed to accomplish felt satisfying. No deadlines looming. Simply doing something because it would feel good to have done it.

I saw people in such an easy and natural manner. "Want to go for a walk .. then come over for bbq hotdogs?" An easy yes. I reciprocated when I mentioned I had made a pasta salad and we could have an easy lunch here the next day. I made a little extra just in case my son dropped by. And he did! It was so easy to simply open the door and enjoy his company, knowing I had a meal ready to serve at any time.

My social battery is charging up. My motivation button is starting to function better. My ability to simply look up and watch nature unfolding before me is life affirming. 

I love this time of year. Everywhere I look, I see life and new life brewing. The buds on the trees, the grass greening up.

It's a beautiful morning!

The Calm Before the Storm

I am sitting in a warm, insulated, fully stocked bubble of joy this morning. Snow is coming. Lots of it. And I am all nestled in, in the way I aim to live every single weekend - no errands to run and everything I need is in the house or within walking distance.

My small promise to myself is "don't drive on the weekend". It started when I spent a lot of weekends in my little oasis away from home. A small house in a small town where one doesn't need to drive anywhere. I would park the car when I arrived Friday night and it wouldn't move until I went home Monday morning. 

I loved the feeling of having a car available but not needing to use it. It took me back to my daycaring days, when I worked at home and everything we did during the day had to be within walking distance. It was the exact opposite of today's reality. The feeling of knowing the car is available but not utilized is a comfort.

Suddenly, Mom comes to mind. When she gave up her driver's license it was an assault to her freedom. She drove only when necessary, her routes were tried and true, she drove only when driving conditions were at their best and only in the daylight hours. She drove so little, her car battery died on her one time. Yet - she knew the option to drive herself and be fully independent was available.

There was a stretch of time between when she stopped driving and when her car insurance ran out, when she kept her car in the garage so it was still available for someone else to drive for her. I do believe being a passenger in her own car was perhaps one of her favorite modes of transportation. "Driving Miss Daisy Margaret" was a movie she often referred to, when it came to describing her ideal way of getting around.

It is a great comfort to have all you need within the place you call home and know your independence is fully intact. It feels even better when you have the added insurance of knowing your supplies are fully stocked and everything you need to occupy yourself is within the walls you call home.

I'm feeling pretty fortunate this morning. Milk, toilet paper, grocery, home, cat and office supplies are in stock. The car's gas tank is full, credit card balances are all sitting at my favorite number in the world - zero. Library books and DVD's are queued up and ready to entertain me. I can finalize my taxes, finish organizing my office files, finish shredding the last of a very large box of personal shredding (and there is so much more where that came from!). I can work, I can play, I can write, I can read, I could call a friend. 

It is the calm before the storm. In so very many ways ...

The before:

A foot of snow is in our forecast, so I will update "the after" very soon.

The storm ...

It's This Kind of Day

I hopped out of bed this morning and Jet hopped into my warm spot ... and is still there.

Yes, it's that kind of day.

(can I just say "Woo hoo!!")

Felines at Rest

While robins, mourning doves, sparrows and even the grackles add a spark of joy to my Weekend Oasis,

 my Monday to Friday home includes enjoying the antics of our two furry felines.

After a brief game of tag around the house, these guys are ready for a rest:

There is nothing like watching a cat hard at rest to lower blood pressure and put a person in the moment. 

Oh, to live the life of a cat who has a safe and happy home. 

It is my ultimate retirement dream to be as content as these two guys. 

To sit in a sunbeam,

marvel at watching the birds and rabbits who pass by,

have the easy companionship of one you know well,

to be content, healthy, safe and know where your next meal is coming from,

to have the sense of "ahhh"

and then

find your most favorite resting spot 

and have a little rest.

We all should be so lucky.

Wordless Wednesday

I have been living life "intentionally" for just over a week now and I am exhausted.

In an effort to keep to my commitment of blogging daily, I thought posting a picture that brings me joy would suffice. 

This picture is my definition of bliss. Sitting at the table in my little oasis away from home, a cup of coffee, pen and paper and a picture perfect view. I look at this and I feel the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. The word that most often falls off the tip of my pen when I sit down to write at this little piece of serenity is "ahhhh".

This picture was taken October 24th. Seven months ago. I am not saying that is the last time I felt a blissful moment such as this. I feel it each and every time I sit in this spot as I write my morning pages and greet the day. But it made me realize I should stop and take a picture when I'm in a moment when I'm fully present and breathing in the day more often. 

Maybe that can be an easy way of reinforcing this "intentional life" - to not only stop and smell the roses, but to snap a picture to mark the moment so when I wake up to a wordless kind of day, I can sift through my pictures and find one that says it all.

Not such a wordless Wednesday, after all.

Sunday Morning

Watching "Furrever Friends" on TV with my very own furrever friend at my side.

Sunday morning bliss.

 

Feeling Awesome

The feeling of "Ahhh ..." is coursing through my veins this morning. 

It is Friday. I don't have to leave the house today, tomorrow or even the next few days. All "must-do" errands have been run. I am home.

My son is starting back to school. While the new school year still holds its fair share of nerves and apprehensions, his world has become far too small the past six months. Routine, structure, learning and socialization will be a very good thing. I feel a sense of my "ahh-ness" extended towards my son.

My apprehension about leaving the province has been sanctioned by the powers that be. It is recommended to stay within the province unless absolutely necessary. So I have no guilt over remaining home this last long weekend of the summer. 

I spent almost half of my monthly income yesterday so my budget strings are tied tight. The challenge is to live within my means for the remainder of this month so I can breathe a little easier next month.

COVID restrictions, budget restrictions, a return of some semblance of normal for my youngest son and simply knowing though I have the option of leaving home, there are no obligations outside of our property line this long weekend equal a state of contentment within.

The feeling of "ahhh" is pretty "ahhhsome".

Happy long weekend to all. May a little bit of awesome find its way into your world.

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

 I woke up before the sun today. 

It was chilly so I pulled on some brand new fuzzy socks, grabbed a sweater and turned on the under the counter lighting in the kitchen.

I padded around the dimly lit house and welcomed the darkness around me.

The sun and summer have felt like an assault to my senses this year. I am ready to hunker in and hibernate.

I'm sipping my coffee as the sun starts to rise and I feel a calmness within.

Hello Darkness, I have missed you.

Monday is Having an Identity Crisis

The joy of working from home is that as long as I get the job done, I can work within a time frame that works best for me.

When it comes to the Big Jobs, I like to have hours on end at my disposal. Hours without a deadline. Ironically enough, those hours now seem to land on the occasional weekend.

I just worked three consecutive long, productive days. It is now Monday and I am in a Sunday frame of mind. It is lovely.

I woke up early and simply followed the path of least resistance.

That path led me to the living room window. No rabbits in sight, I grabbed a book and settled into the couch and read. No coffee to kick start the morning. I simply read. And it was good.

My stomach started to recognize my morning routine was off and started to grumble a bit. I fed it a smoothie and it is appeased for the moment.

I revelled in the easiness of Monday's word puzzles after losing too many hours to Sunday's "5 star" difficulty level. 

I like Monday to start on a "1 star" level of difficulty after a "5 star" weekend.

I love working from home. I can work when working conditions are best. My days can have an identity crisis and I can sit back and enjoy a peaceful easy Monday morning feeling.

Making the Most of the Day

I'm winning the game of "Saturday" this morning. In fact, I think I'm rocking it.

By this time last week, I had only been up and about for an hour, written my morning pages and was most likely on my second cup of coffee. The day went downhill from there. It was a Netflix marathon and a day of mindless nothingness which resulted in turning down an invitation because I didn't feel like getting cleaned up enough to go out in public. Epic fail.

This morning, I was up at my preferred weekday waking time and according to our hallway motion detector, I was up and moving by 5:19 a.m.

Early mornings and ONE defined goal are game changers for me. Today's goal was offering to give a friend a ride at 1 p.m., so everything I hoped to get done has a deadline. Thus, I accomplished more this morning than I have managed to do all week.

It is 9:16 a.m. and I have colored my hair, washed my bedding, showered and washed a second load of laundry. I have written my morning pages and completed all my word and number puzzles. I am presently waiting for a load of laundry to dry so I can head out and see if the stone chip in the car's windshield is repairable.

Car maintenance has been dominating my thoughts so I am taking one step in a forward direction. I hope they can fix the stone chip but plan B is to replace the windshield. It will cost four times more to replace the windshield but if it is necessary I will bite the bullet. The windshield is so pitted that driving into the sun is dangerous. Decision made. Second big decision is tires. I have snow tires in the garage. I was not impressed with them the first winter I drove my car. I will take these tires to my friendly, neighborhood garage, see what they advise and move forward from there. Decisions made. The goal is to spend as little as possible on this 17+ year old car, but safety is priority.

There are a few errands to be run and then a trip to the library is going to be my "Artist's Date" with myself and for myself. There is a fairly new restaurant in our neighborhood I would like to try out so that is how I hope to wind up the day. By that time, I should be open to inviting someone to come along with me. 

My mindless morning writing has made it painfully obvious what I need to do to clear the clutter from my mind. Tending to the car and tending to myself keep coming up each and every morning. I don't want to write the same pages again next week.

I love waking up to a Saturday but what I enjoy even more, is waking up to a Sunday where all the "hard things" have been done. I hope Sunday turns out to be a day of feeling social, reading and staying away from all my bad habits that are mind numbing. One step at a time.

I love how I feel this morning! Waking up and having a plan is a wonderful thing. Feeling in control of the day feels powerful and reassuring at the same time. I don't love when my days control me. I like when I wake up before the sun and steer the day in a direction that has some purpose.

Hello Saturday, my old friend!! I hope to make the most of this day

Morning Pages

Julia Cameron will be speaking at a writing workshop I will be attending. My friend once mentioned the "morning pages" Julia perscribes as part of the journey to finding your way, so I skimmed through the pages of my new book by Julia until I found the chapter on morning pages.

Julia suggests writing your morning thoughts on three, 8-1/2 by 11" pages of long hand writing. What you write doesn't matter. It is simply a matter of purging your thoughts in long hand. Every morning.

I read this chapter yesterday morning and decided to write three pages then and there. They were not my early morning thoughts but they were still morning thoughts. I thought the best way to start a habit is "now". So that is what I did.

Last night, I sat my journal with my favorite new pen slid into the coils beside my bed so I could simply wake up and write.

I forgot I was going to do this until my waking thoughts started sounding like to-do-lists and I thought "Hey! I should write this down!!" So I did.

I'm not sure if I like how I sound in the morning. It has only been one true morning of writing the thoughts I think upon waking so I am curious to see how this journey goes.

Three pages of long hand writing is time consuming. I woke up some time after 5 a.m. and I didn't finish my morning writing assignment until 5:46. It is now 7:30 and I could use just a little more sleep before I plunge into the day ahead of me.

After two days of writing I have already noticed something. When my thoughts are centred in the past or the future, I feel ill at ease. It is when I am living in the moment I am in when I feel content.

Then again, there is nothing quite like focusing on the moment you are in when your hand starts cramping after writing three pages without the aid of a keyboard.

Life is full of lessons. Perhaps the lesson I am learning is focusing on the moment I'm in. Letting go of regret and worry is key to a healthy state of mind. This is why gratitude is crucial to this illusive thing called "happiness". The state of being grateful aligns the past, present and future into thoughts that are more cohesive and focused in the moment.

I think I need to gaze out the window and watch nature for a while. That exercise brings me back into the moment in a way I enjoy the most.

This is far too deep for early morning thoughts. I need to leave those on my three pages of long hand and leave the light and frivolous for "here".

Easy Like Wednesday Morning

Do you ever wake up to a day that just feels "easy"? Easy from the moment you put your feet on the floor kind of easy?

This morning was such a morning for me.

It started when I woke up when I wanted to wake up. I took what time I wanted to take before I took the monumental leap of putting my feet on the floor.

When I went to make my bed, neither of the cats were sleeping on it. I have become a master of making my bed around sleeping cats. Yesterday morning I was rather pleased with myself. I made the bed around our skittish cat and he didn't jump off. I'm a master.

I tended to my morning routines and it was easy sailing all the way. Cat food and water dishes were full enough. Cat litter chores were quick and easy. I took the extra minute I gained by having no side jobs to tend and swept the floor by the litter boxes.

I came upstairs and prepared my morning smoothie and coffee. No need to open or rinse out any empty containers. All my supplies were plentiful and ready to go. 

I sat down and tackled my morning puzzles. I struggled with the crossword a little but all in all, my brain functions seem to be intact as well.

My morning routines were behind me and not one little glitch in the system. Not a one. Ahhhh ...

I like Wednesdays. I'm geared up and ready to roll. I love when the little routines in my life go easy like a Wednesday morning. [Lionel Richie sings harmony to my slightly reworded lyrics to "Easy Like Sunday Morning"]

I like the thoughts I'm thinking. I feel reflective and open to hear the "energy" I feel within the day. I sense the whispers of those who no longer walk by my side.

This morning I felt like I heard the other side of a conversation I never got to have. "People just want to be heard..." was what my heart felt and heard. No guilt. No silent admonishments of what I could have, should have and would have done given the opportunity. "Listen ..." was the lesson to be remembered.

I may or may not have "brushed shoulders" with Mom this morning. I just felt her presence within me. It was a comfort.

I reheard conversations I have had recently and think. Think of what goes beyond the words. Think of the courage it took to say what was said.

I think of loneliness. I think of that often. I think of how we are all waging our own private battles within.

I think of those who appear to be on top of their game and wonder how they feel beyond what they allow the world to see.

I look at those who are feeling more vulnerable and wonder what goes beyond what they are saying.

I look at the world around me and feel blessed beyond words. I have everything that matters to me. I have peace of mind, I feel safe within the world around me, I feel comforted to know I am not alone in the world and the security of feeling I will wake up to this familiar feeling tomorrow morning too.

I remember how hard it felt to face the day yesterday. Yet I was given another opportunity this morning. Sometimes life isn't so generous. Life can change in the blink of an eye.

When we wake up to life-as-we-know-it and it is good, it is worthwhile to stop and appreciate the moment. Is it the calm before the storm? Or is simply calmness from within?

Turning Down the Connections

I attempted to take a mini-break from technology this past weekend so my promise (to myself) to blog regularly suffered in the wake of my weekend off. Nothing stopped me from grabbing a pen and paper to write regardless of my Internet disconnection, except for a lack of words. Writing without purpose is equivalent to speaking when you have nothing to say. Perhaps I should take a break more often.

Instead of wasting a day on the computer, I opened a book. Actually two books. I read. All day. It was wonderful. I think I need to do this more regularly, to regain a longer attention span. The computer, the Internet, social media and the instant communication devices we have in our possession these days have resulted in my attention span being equivalent to that of a gnat. My thoughts flit, flop and fly away. I can't hold onto what I was thinking a moment ago and little things are escaping me on a regular basis. Something has to change.

Reading is more time consuming than playing on the computer but I believe it is a better investment of time. Yes, I could (and did) put my book down at any point of the day but I was reading a book that completely captivated my interest and I had no desire leave the story that was unfolding before me.

My enjoyment of the day I was living resulted in me turning down an invitation I had time to over-think. I know I should have accepted the invitation for what it was and simply showed up. The more I lost myself in my day, my book and the moment I was in, the less desire I had to pry myself out of the house and interject myself in an uncomfortable social setting. I took the easy way out. I backed myself out of the commitment and stayed home.

I much prefer my invitations to be of the "Want to meet for lunch in half an hour?" variety. Which I received on the second day of the weekend.

As much as I was enjoying my second book, I hesitated but a moment to get dressed and join the day in progress. No time to over-think. No time to even think. Just go with the moment. It is my favorite way to go.

This was followed by another small request which was just as easy to say "yes". "I'm on my way over, would you mind if I came for supper ...". The mantra "If I cook it, they will come" ran through my thoughts as I easily said "yes" and turned the oven a little higher to speed up the cooking process.

My guest had one final request - a cup of coffee. Caffeinated. Who am I to let someone caffeinate on their own!? So I had a jolt of energy late in the day which resulted in the ambition, motivation and desire to mow the lawn once I was home alone again.

I didn't quite turn "off" my technological devices. I simply turned them down. I sat still with my thoughts and in the aftermath of the weekend I do have a few words which have accumulated in my word bank. I'll be back ...

Dreaming of a Life of Ease

What would I do if I had all the time in the world? These are the thoughts I ponder as I have recently started to dream of what "retirement" may mean in the up and coming years.

My very first thought is that I would like to tame a wild rabbit or two. Not to trap it in a cage and keep it for myself, but for this little creature to come to know I would do it no harm and supply it with some rabbit snacks and perhaps some hay ...

My second thought is that I would register for some university courses. Tuition fees are waived for those who are the age of 65 years or better. The idea of learning for the sake of learning and not having to seek out and find employment afterwards sounds like my idea of heaven.

I would set out and discover places within our fair city to simply sit back and watch nature unfold before my eyes. I have just spent the past fifteen minutes or so watching four robins in our neighbor's front lawn. To my inexperienced eyes, it looked like there were three males and one female. I would love to learn all I could learn about the wild life that I found along the way.

I would explore our province. Day trips to destinations unknown would be my entertainment. Find a friend, pack a light snack and coffee-to-go and follow wherever the road took us. We would find our own adventure, stop for supper on our way home and come home feeling as though we had just been on vacation.

I would set small goals. Clean out one drawer a day. One box of letters. One box of photos. One cupboard. One small step at a time, great things would happen over a long period of time.

I would read. I would immerse myself in a book so good that I would become lost within the pages. My best reading days felt like I took a vacation without having to leave the house. I have lost my love for reading over the course of time. I want to rekindle that fire.

I would turn off all electronics, televisions and phones for a set time frame every day to listen to the quiet. I would listen for "the knowing" and find my way to the next moment. I would be still. Every day.

I would search for ways to keep connected to the people within my world. I would stockpile stamps, envelopes and blank writing spaces so I could send words out into the world on a regular, yet sporadic basis.

I would take notes along the way so I could write about the small stuff each and every day.

I have reread my wish list and realize I have everything I need to start this life of leisure right now. Today. There is little holding me back.

Except work. Speaking of which, I must ready myself for a day away from home. It is no wonder this life of ease feels so elusive.

Home for Christmas (and loving every moment of it)

Life has been quiet. I have been on holidays for eight days and I haven't strayed far from home other than absolutely necessary. It has been ... perfect.

My life has evolved over the course of the past several years. From daycaring, to Momcaring, to the year which followed. A year of work, rest and a LOT of vacation time away from home.

I'm a homebody. I love home. I love quiet. I feel like I could envelope myself within this tiny little world and it would be enough. 

I keep beating myself up for not having the ambition I "should" have. Where has it gone? Will it return? When do I start "filling myself up" by achieving small goals and tending to everything within this oasis I call home?

These are the conversations with myself:

"The Year of Mom" took a toll. I came home to work, regroup, tend to what needed tending and then went back to Mom's. Rinse and repeat. Over and over. I did this until it didn't need to be done.

Then I rested.

"The Year After Mom" took its toll in its own way. Who was I if I wasn't looking out for Mom's best interests? Before and after her death, Mom was my priority. I could hear her words and remember her eyes as I mulled over conversations of the past. Mom accompanied me through that time long after she left our world. She was a force to be reckoned with. 

After I had done all I could do, I broke. I fell into a million tiny pieces and I had to put them together each and every morning to do what had to be done. I slept. I worked. I ate. Rinse and repeat. Over and over. I did this until it didn't need to be done any longer.

I started to become whole throughout the last part of the year. I woke up in one piece each morning and my feet didn't feel as heavy. I could do hard things and get through the days. I still lived for the weekend though. My definition of a perfect weekend is a weekend when I don't have to leave home. Home is where I most want to be. 

I vacationed. I didn't think I could. But I did it. I made plans. I followed through. I had fun while I was away from home and enjoyed every moment of the experience. But coming home was still the highlight. Home. There is no place like it!!

Then came "Christmas". Holidays without a plan. I have anticipated these holidays like no other. Time off work with no place to go, no expectations, no needs to be met. Christmas at home was the perfect gift at the end of this second Christmas without Mom.

I knew I should accomplish something with this time. I should paint. I should organize and cull the excess. I should write. I should, I should, I should ....

The "shoulds" started screaming at me. I heard little else until I shut them down. I would stay home. I would buy groceries. We would eat well throughout my time off. I would follow my whims and see where they took me.

They haven't taken me very far.

I have spent one day "Netflixing". I spent another day glued to an addictive "Word Wipe" game trying to beat my highest score. I have spent endless hours following the Internet path of where my curiousity takes me. I have done up a "preliminary 2018 income tax return" and know where I stand with my taxes. I read a book. 

I made turkey soup with Thanksgiving Day turkey broth. I boiled up Christmas Day turkey bones for soup broth at a later date. I have cooked a few meals. I have assembled easy-to-grab sandwich fixings for lunch. I made breakfast Christmas morning. I have supplied food for the season and it has been good.

I have talked with three friends. I have emailed a few relatives. I called my uncle Christmas morning. Even within this fortress of solitude, I have brought friends and family into my safe little bubble. All, while sitting here in my pj's. I have been having the time of my life.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. 

I'm a homebody. I love home. I love quiet. I feel like I could envelope myself within this tiny little world and it would be enough. 

I know enough to be careful what I wish for. What if "this" was all I could have? What if I didn't live in a world where invitations, interaction, work obligations, friends and family weren't at my fingertips? Would this be enough?

I know it wouldn't be. I know I have this incredible peace within me because I have a sense of purpose combined with strong, safe relationships with people outside of my tiny little bubble. 

My bubble wrapped little world. I'm not taking may risks here yet. I'll keep taking one forward step at a time. Peace and contentment first. The rest will follow ...

Little Things

Too much time with not enough to do does not equal great things for me. There was a day in a land long ago, when I could and would utilize a three day hiatus from the day to day grind and do amazing things. Not anymore, my friend. Not anymore.

What did I do with three long and luxurious days off?

I immersed myself in all things "royal". The royal wedding, old YouTube videos on the royals, perusing books on Princes Harry and William, a TV movie and a few television programs on Harry & Meghan, with "The Royals" on Netflix capping off the Royal Weekend.

I completed watching "How I Met Your Mother". The final episode of the series included a wedding. I watched Harry & Meghan's wedding the same day I watched Barney & Robin get married. I thought that polished off the day quite nicely.

I ate. And I ate. And I ate. Then I ate more. Oh ... my achin' stomach. 'Nough said. More on that another day.

I mowed the lawn, I colored my hair, I vacuumed and I picked up a few groceries. Whew! I almost broke a sweat there. It is unfortunate, but one thing did not lead to another. Back in the day, one small household task (like clearing off a counter top) would lead to another, then another and the next thing I knew, I had cleaned a room. No more, my friend. No more.

My new motto seems to be "You did one hard thing. Now you can rest."

I rested, I reclined, I sat outside with the cats, I read and I wasted so much time on the computer.

But after all that time I "invested" playing working on the computer, I DID find a solution for accommodations for our upcoming family reunion so my internet time was well rewarded.

I went on a cat toy hunt which was greatly appreciated by all. I have an idle mind which likes to be challenged by knowing which cat toys are missing after I have scoured the house. After my cat toy treasure hunt was complete, I knew I was missing a new blue pom pom and an old yellow pom pom, after finally finding the lost sparkly red one (an all time favorite).

In the middle of the night, my feet grazed the sheets as they tried to find a new, cool spot to rest and sure enough, what did I feel under my covers, at the foot of my bed?!? The missing blue pom pom!! We are now only missing one yellow cat toy (as far as I remember).

Maybe, just maybe I could pull the house apart and clean until I find it.

Maybe not. Those ploys used to work on the "old me". The "new me" is not easily fooled I'm afraid. But you can be sure that every time I look in, under and beside a nook I have not looked in for a while, that that little yellow ball is at the top of my "to find" list. That ... and several income tax and Microsoft Office programs that have disappeared since my Time of Great Culling.

It is really no wonder that I have lost my ambition to reorganize things around here. Something goes missing. Every time. In fact, I wrote a list of all the things I have lost so I could cross them off as I found them. Guess what? I lost the list.

I didn't accomplish great things but I did feel serene while doing so. The haze of "missing Mom" is clearing and sadness does not wash over me in the way it has.

I spotted an unfamiliar yellow bird in the neighbor's tree this morning and stood at the window watching it for as long as it remained in my line of sight. Suddenly it seemed to dive off the tree it was in ... just the way the little birds seemed to line up on the eave of Mom's garage, then jump off one at a time and land in the peony bushes below. They did it over and over and over again. It was a light and easy memory of my last summer with Mom. We sat so very many hours in her sun room.

There is a great peace that washes over me as I quietly remember Mom as little things trigger small memories. There is a lightness in my heart and a feeling that "this" is how Mom would want to be remembered. In the small things. Light and easy.

There are so many times I wish I could ask Mom to clarify something for me. It saddens me to know she cannot provide those answers for me any more. There are only a few who can. I should write a list of what I wish I knew so I could ask when I come across someone who may know the answer. Then again, would I be able to find that list when I wanted it?

The great circle of life. I work a little, then rest a lot. I clean a little, then lose a lot. I remember a little, and I'm afraid I will forget.

I continue to write down these little memories of Mom because I fear the day when I will have forgot.

And that's all I have to say about that.

I Love Mornings!

I love mornings!

I wrote those words yesterday morning and my head had a half hearted idea about what I may write next. But what happened next was "The Bird" post which fell straight out of my heart, through my fingertips and onto the page.

I love when that happens.

Which brings me back to yesterday morning's thoughts. My love for "morning" has returned. I wake up, allow my thoughts to linger, then hop out of bed and into the day with a quiet anticipation of what lies in store.

My inability and lack of desire to open my eyes, let alone get out of bed and confront the day during the The Longest Winter of my life seems to be behind me. I wake up, "great ideas" come to me, I act on them, I write a little, I figure a little, I dream a little ...

Yes, my dream state has been reactivated.

I don't have a bucket list and doubt I ever will. What I have instead, are little scraps of paper where I write down ideas as they come to me:

• Waskesiu - Kelly
• Victoria -?
• Who do I want to BE?
• Reintroduced the wolves...

These are the highlights of one side of a scrap of a paper in front of me at the moment. On the back of that same tiny piece of paper are dates of up and coming commitments.

I can write down a date in the future without feeling great angst overcome my being once again. This is new. This is SO new!

Life had a lot of lessons to dole out over the course of the past seven years or so. Yes, I remember the initiating incident. It was March 11, 2011 - I started writing about it here: "When Life as You Know It ... Isn't".

As I scan a few of the posts I wrote after the "initiating incident", I can clearly see my search for the lessons immediately in the aftermath. I wrote the words:

"Challenges force me to confront issues. One always has a choice in life. Do I choose to do nothing and expect nothing [should read] something to change? Do I have any control over any aspect of this situation? Is there any way that a compromise can be made? Do I have the courage to make a change?"

As I reread those words, I can replay incidents where I acted and reacted to what happened next according to the way I processed life after that point in time.

Seven years. The list of "what happened next" scrolls through my mind like the opening scene of a Star Wars movie. The list is long. There was so much loss during that time. So many life transitions. So many lessons ...

There have been ups and downs, hills and valleys, so many memorable moments and no matter how much sadness there was stirred into the mix, gratitude and acceptance sifted to the top every time. Every time.

As I started the walk of The Year After Mom, I lost my way. I lost the identity that "Being Mom's Daughter" gave me. I had no idea how much of myself was wrapped up in the way I defined myself.

The lessons just keep coming.

As I opened my eyes, cleared the fog and became open to receive the wisdom of the world around me, a few quotes seemed to be reoccuring.

Children are often asked "What do you want to DO when you grow up?" It has been suggested that the better question is "Who do you want to BE?" I  just listened to Abby Wambach's commencement address she gave for the Barnard College Class of 2018. She encompassed these questions and summarized by saying, "What you DO will never define you. Who you ARE ... will."

My identity is no longer wrapped in the word "daughter". Yes, I am still a daughter. I can label myself in any number of ways. But more importantly, "Who do I want to BE?" is the question I must ask.

If I could be described in one word, what would I want that word to be? I believe if I could simply be defined as "kind", that is who I would want to be, become and remain true to BEING. That would be enough.

If you feel like you are losing your way ... have lost part of how you identify yourself ... are wandering aimlessly without passion and drive ... ask yourself, "Who do I want to BE?"

I truly believe that once a person's energy is clearly focused on something, they unconsciously start drawing an energy toward themselves which makes that outcome possible. BE who you want to become and lets watch the results unfold together!

Moments

I thought I would have to go into work this morning. I went through my morning routines, expecting to leave the house at 9 a.m., but instead, I made a phone call and was told "There really isn't a full day of work here for you today". And in that moment, I knew I had exactly what I wished for. A quiet day at home.

Our cats capitalized on the moment and made a break for the outdoors as soon as I opened the back door. Our little black cats have (almost) become content to stay within the confines of our back yard, with only the occasional breakout these days. I made myself a cup of coffee, brought out the tools which help my brain function and here I sit:

This moment feels like a small slice of heaven.

Moments. That seems to be the theme of my days of late. Simply being where I feel I need to be. Sharing those moments with people I want to be with. Even when conversation wanes, I feel I am exactly where I am meant to be.

Planning has become next to impossible. I set a date for what I would like to do but I'm ready to change course on a moment's notice. Kind of like this unexpected morning off of work.

Flexibility is everything to me. I am fortunate I have "life" set up exactly the way it is. I have employers who are willing to bend and stretch as needed to make things work for all concerned. My children are grown and even my youngest needs only a small piece of what I have to offer these days.

My priorities are exactly where I want them to be right now. Life at home can go on just as smoothly without me. Perhaps things are a little "hairy" around here while I'm away, but what's a little cat hair in the big picture?

When I'm home, my goal is to make it simple for me to pick up and leave on a whim. I think the powers that be must laugh at us when we actually think we have the ability to plan anything. I've all but given up. I have a basic outline of what I must do, when I think I must complete certain tasks and dates when I anticipate I will be away from home. But it is really a joke. It is a little like those suggested "best before" dates on food packaging. It is a suggestion at best. It is not set in stone.

I have literally packed my suitcase and thrown it in the trunk of my car so I could make a getaway straight from work. As it turns out, I probably should have followed that instinct and left that day. But I didn't. Because I stayed at home a few extra days, I may not have been "exactly where I should have been", but those very same days allowed me the freedom to stay as long as I did once I finally got there.

Moments. In reality, that is all we can really count on. The here and now. The moment we are in. String all those moments together and you have a life.

Take the worry out of your day by remembering you cannot know what the future holds in store. Whether it be good, bad, indifferent or anything in between, all you really control is the moment you are in. Try to make the best of it.

Go ahead and write your outlines. It is the best way to make your story worth reading about later on. Outlines are good. Continue to set the date, place and time to do, see, go and be who you want to become. When life has other plans, try to bend and go with the flow. Trust you are exactly where you are meant to be.

I thought I was wandering and living my life without purpose this last long while. Perhaps that is true. But it is for a purpose. I will simply call this time "My time of great flexibility".

There are moments I wonder if this is the best use of my life. But what those very moments give me, is the stamina to walk through whatever "tomorrow" may have in store. Instead of beating myself up for not being, doing or producing "enough", I am going to assure myself it is okay. I will take these quiet moments to build myself up from the inside, out. I will rebuild who I am and what I expect of myself in the times of great quiet.

But for now, I simply want to be in the moment. And enjoy the company of those I spend those moments with.

Today? It is our cats. Tomorrow? It may be the world.

Enjoying My Little Rainbow

I'm feeling a good kind of wordless today.

I feel light, after the heaviness of "Monday through Thursday" is behind me.

I feel good because my daycare week has been pretty good, all in all. We've come a long way. We have much further to go but we are headed in the right direction. I've taken responsibility for my part in this equation which has shifted the "power" and transformed my way of thinking right along with it.

I am thrilled to have an "easy weekend" in store. One where all I have to do is go to work on Saturday, then wake up to an absolutely uncommitted Sunday right in my own home. Who knew how good a working weekend would feel after a long winter of working Saturdays?

I am pleased to have a lighter daycare load today. One of my "Friday regulars" came yesterday which means I am down to my core group of "three" today. They are a pretty easy group. The sun is shining, the temperature is starting to rise and I think it could be a good day to be where we most want to be.

It has been cloudy and rainy for most of this week. Dreary weather makes me want to curl up on the couch with a good book, plenty of snacking food with a plethora of movies to choose to watch. Just as my free Sunday is approaching, with all the time and freedom to allow me such a day, the sun is now peeking out again. Maybe I'll spend the day outside with our cats instead. Maybe I could do both?

It feels good to poke my head out of the clouds and see a rainbow on the horizon. There may not be a pot of gold at the end of it, it may be an optical illusion and the more I chase it, the more it will elude me. This feeling may not last but a moment but I'll enjoy the moment while it lasts.

Right now, I feel like I'm sitting in my very own rainbow.

What Makes You Happy?

I stumbled across this yesterday morning and these few words have really made me stop and think:

Make a list of things that make you happy.
Make a list of things you do every day.
Compare the lists.
Adjust accordingly.

Before I had pen in hand to write my lists, I immediately thought of the times I laugh out loud in a room by myself. Perhaps that act supersedes happy. Maybe that is joyful. But those were the moments that came immediately to mind when I thought of my list.

What Makes Me Happy:

Our cats.

Happy, content children

Good, deep, reflective conversations

Hearing from a friend and good mail days!!

Family

Quiet, reflective time

Sleep

Food

Writing

Reading

Music

Being still with nature - watching snow, rain, clouds, birds...

What I Do Every Day:

Wake up early enough to have time to write.

Daycare by day - watch, listen and then write about our day at daycare by night.

Try to instill adult content into my day

Computer time

Quiet time for the kids = writing, word puzzle and Facebook time for me

Housework, cook, shop and laundry as necessary.

Work (Saturdays)

Write (blogs, letters, email, cards), TV, sleep (Sundays)

Compare the lists:

Being a cat owner (or being owned by cats, whichever is more true) makes me happy. There is no doubt about it. I am entertained, amused and have so many laugh out loud moments as I enjoy our black furry family members. Call me "crazy cat lady", but it is who I am. These guys bring so much joy into our lives I can't imagine life without them.

Was my list swayed by the fact that I was in the thick of a daycare day and I'm still riding my post-holiday euphoria? The second item on my list was "Happy, content children". There is something about those fly-on-the-wall moments when I am watching children at play, who have no idea I'm watching them that makes my heart sing. I'm not even a grandma and I can say this without hesitation. Yes, children-watching (when they are happy and content) is definitely high up on my list.

Maybe I didn't do this exercise properly. I wrote down what brings contentment into my moments. And I pretty much live according to satisfying my own needs. My only real "work day" is Saturday. Other than that, I pretty much live life as I want to live it.

Adjust accordingly:

Is happy the same as content? For me, it is. I feel happiest when I am content. Would I be happier if I was planning trips and renovations and booking up my calendar with social engagements and pursuing hobbies? Not at this point in my life. That would just take away from what I enjoy. Quiet, predictable and a low key life. Maybe one day I will crave more than this. But for now, I would say I am living my dream. Maybe I'll dream bigger another day.

How about you? How did your life size up when you compared your lists? Is there any fine tuning necessary?