Home for Christmas (and loving every moment of it)

Life has been quiet. I have been on holidays for eight days and I haven't strayed far from home other than absolutely necessary. It has been ... perfect.

My life has evolved over the course of the past several years. From daycaring, to Momcaring, to the year which followed. A year of work, rest and a LOT of vacation time away from home.

I'm a homebody. I love home. I love quiet. I feel like I could envelope myself within this tiny little world and it would be enough. 

I keep beating myself up for not having the ambition I "should" have. Where has it gone? Will it return? When do I start "filling myself up" by achieving small goals and tending to everything within this oasis I call home?

These are the conversations with myself:

"The Year of Mom" took a toll. I came home to work, regroup, tend to what needed tending and then went back to Mom's. Rinse and repeat. Over and over. I did this until it didn't need to be done.

Then I rested.

"The Year After Mom" took its toll in its own way. Who was I if I wasn't looking out for Mom's best interests? Before and after her death, Mom was my priority. I could hear her words and remember her eyes as I mulled over conversations of the past. Mom accompanied me through that time long after she left our world. She was a force to be reckoned with. 

After I had done all I could do, I broke. I fell into a million tiny pieces and I had to put them together each and every morning to do what had to be done. I slept. I worked. I ate. Rinse and repeat. Over and over. I did this until it didn't need to be done any longer.

I started to become whole throughout the last part of the year. I woke up in one piece each morning and my feet didn't feel as heavy. I could do hard things and get through the days. I still lived for the weekend though. My definition of a perfect weekend is a weekend when I don't have to leave home. Home is where I most want to be. 

I vacationed. I didn't think I could. But I did it. I made plans. I followed through. I had fun while I was away from home and enjoyed every moment of the experience. But coming home was still the highlight. Home. There is no place like it!!

Then came "Christmas". Holidays without a plan. I have anticipated these holidays like no other. Time off work with no place to go, no expectations, no needs to be met. Christmas at home was the perfect gift at the end of this second Christmas without Mom.

I knew I should accomplish something with this time. I should paint. I should organize and cull the excess. I should write. I should, I should, I should ....

The "shoulds" started screaming at me. I heard little else until I shut them down. I would stay home. I would buy groceries. We would eat well throughout my time off. I would follow my whims and see where they took me.

They haven't taken me very far.

I have spent one day "Netflixing". I spent another day glued to an addictive "Word Wipe" game trying to beat my highest score. I have spent endless hours following the Internet path of where my curiousity takes me. I have done up a "preliminary 2018 income tax return" and know where I stand with my taxes. I read a book. 

I made turkey soup with Thanksgiving Day turkey broth. I boiled up Christmas Day turkey bones for soup broth at a later date. I have cooked a few meals. I have assembled easy-to-grab sandwich fixings for lunch. I made breakfast Christmas morning. I have supplied food for the season and it has been good.

I have talked with three friends. I have emailed a few relatives. I called my uncle Christmas morning. Even within this fortress of solitude, I have brought friends and family into my safe little bubble. All, while sitting here in my pj's. I have been having the time of my life.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. 

I'm a homebody. I love home. I love quiet. I feel like I could envelope myself within this tiny little world and it would be enough. 

I know enough to be careful what I wish for. What if "this" was all I could have? What if I didn't live in a world where invitations, interaction, work obligations, friends and family weren't at my fingertips? Would this be enough?

I know it wouldn't be. I know I have this incredible peace within me because I have a sense of purpose combined with strong, safe relationships with people outside of my tiny little bubble. 

My bubble wrapped little world. I'm not taking may risks here yet. I'll keep taking one forward step at a time. Peace and contentment first. The rest will follow ...