Everything is Okay

I have not had much of an inclination to "write out loud" for the past while. Largely, in part to the reams of mostly empty notebooks, journals, memo pads and various forms of writing paper I have unearthed within our home. 

As I made my way through closets, drawers and Rubbermaid containers full of memories, mementos, pictures and miscellanea of all kinds I came up with this stack of writing paper:

Add this to Julia Cameron's suggestion to hand write three full 8-1/2" by 11" pages each and every morning as soon as you wake up and I felt like my world was telling me: Write. Journal. By hand. For yourself. Unedited. Uncensored. Just write!!

So that is exactly what I have been doing. Many pages are filled with numbers, calculations, budgeting, income tax and future goals. Other pages are filled with lists. A lot of my waking thoughts have to do with my bookkeeping responsibilities. But every now and again little morsels of inner perspective surface, as I fight with pens that skip, refuse to write and make hand writing twice the chore it should be. 

I have carved out time to think, ponder, sift through the thoughts I wake up with. There has been some growing, evolving, adapting and pondering going on within my unpublished thoughts. I may choose to write more about that which I feel stirring within my soul one day. I may not.

Everything is okay. I don't want to lose my blogging habit. But journaling by hand takes time and effort that leaves little left over to share on a public forum. Maybe one day. Maybe soon. Maybe not. I'm still here. I'm still writing.

And how are YOU?? 

Sunday Hangover

I just lived a Sunday of ease. Relaxation, low energy, mindless activities ruled the day. I watched TV, played Word Wipe on the computer and read a book. 

The trouble with reading, is I kept falling asleep. This, I might add, was after going to bed at 7:45 p.m. on Saturday and getting out of bed around 7:30 Sunday morning. Yet every time I sat still with my book, I started nodding off. So I ate to stay awake.

I want to say I ate my weight in food yesterday but that would be an exaggeration. I ate a toasted tuna sandwich; a bag of popcorn; a few mini chocolate bars; I'm certain I nibbled on something else; then made a four course meal for supper (with one more mini Kit Kat bar for dessert). 

I still feel full this morning. Eating without moving will do that to a person.

I considered going outside. But I didn't.

I tried to entertain the idea of accepting an invitation. But I couldn't.

I wanted to push myself to do "one hard thing". So I cooked supper. 

I read a book. And it was good enough. In fact it was more than good. I closed the book and my heart felt full.

Another week is on the horizon. Last week felt hard. I am heading into the new week well rested, well nourished and ready to take the next forward step.

Maybe my "Sunday hangover" is a good thing.

Happy Monday to you. I hope your weekend provided you with what you most needed to take your next step forward.

Four Days

I woke up to my fourth and final day of solitary confinement at home. I was up before the sun this morning, so I didn't lose a minute of my last day at home.

Four days. Here are the stats:

• Two days of work, totalling 12 working hours
• One home cooked meal (okay, I turned on the BBQ, charred three hamburgers and four hot dogs which meant I didn't have to share this food fest and my BBQ'd meal lasted all weekend)
• Two outbound text messages
• One, three hour long phone visit with a friend
• One entire day on the couch, watching TV
• One hour long walk (the only time I have stepped off the property)
• One work-related drop by delivery
• One pizza delivery 

Friday was my son's first day back at University. I was home. Alone. The phone rang once. I didn't have to leave the house. It was an absolutely awesome day.

Saturday was a highly verbal day. My telephone conversation with a friend was the next best thing to "being there". We shared laughter, tears and easy conversation that goes hand in hand by knowing someone who has been there through every bump and turn of "life", the past forty four years. This was followed with a highly interactive day of working from home. Lots of phone calls, conferring and putting our heads together.

Sunday, I felt absolutely wordless. I walked with a friend near the day's end but I listened more than I spoke and did not have it in me to prolong the walk with a cup of coffee at the end. I returned from my walk at the same time I normally return home during my work week. I came home, climbed into my pajamas and called it a night.

Which leads me to Monday. Today. A day I plan to spend immersed in photographs and memories. One box is mine; the other box came from Mom's.

It's been three years without Mom. Three years and I still have not unpacked all the mementos I brought home with me. It just dawned on me this morning that perhaps the reason these boxes never got unpacked is due to my duties as an executor. I was buried in numbers instead of memories. It is time. I am ready, revitalized and raring to go.

These four days at home have been just what I needed, when I needed it the most. 

Weary

There is a weariness I feel that has nothing to do with physical exhaustion. I feel completely and totally spent.

A good night's sleep doesn't cure me. Nor does a regularly scheduled weekend. But thankfully I do get enough of both of these to allow me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and making it to through the days and the weeks.

The antidote to my weariness is finding lightness of heart wherever the opportunity presents itself.

• Spotting a rabbit
• Spending time with family
• Losing myself in a mindless piece of fiction
• Laughter 
• Quiet ... just plain quiet
• Turning off all the connections to the world

I know a good long walk would cure much of what ails me. Walking conditions are not ideal right now but this too shall pass. Spending time appreciating nature and its ever changing landscape feels like oxygen for my soul.

Being outside, even if it is as simple as sitting in my own back yard calms me. Sitting in a sunbeam in the late stages of winter and the early phases of spring is one of my most favorite things.

As I came upon the realization of all that is within my reach but feels so unattainable at times, I couldn't help but think of my days of daycaring. 

• I took my little daycare family outside at every opportunity
• We walked everywhere and played "I Spy" as we made our way through the residential streets
• We discovered an "Enchanted Forest" where the kids could run through the paths and just be kids
• We marveled at the signs of spring, spotting the first robin, watching an industrious ant carry something ten times its weight, collecting lady bugs and setting them free
• Savoring the moments sitting in a sunbeam in the winter and early spring
• We collected rocks, leaves and any mystical treasures we found along the way
• Finding wonder by looking at life through the eyes of a child was one of the best gifts I received throughout my years of caring for children
• Watching over and listening to contented children at play felt quite literally like heaven right here on earth

I was spent at the end of my daycare days but it was a more well rounded kind of exhaustion. The physical output added with a generous dose of outdoors was offset with "quiet time". Despite the chaos at times, there was a sense of balance to those days.

My present day life is far too sedentary. The need to be "on" all day, every day exhausts me. I know I am exactly where I am meant to be right now and life as I know it could change in a heartbeat. But for the first time in a very long time, I feel I may be the one who cracks under the pressure.

Julia Cameron prescribes daily writing to purge one's early morning thoughts + solitary walks + a date with yourself, for yourself. Julia has recommended exactly what I didn't know I needed and I have been resisting her advise. 

Today is the day. I will make an Artist's Date for myself, by myself. I will fill my soul so my soul has more to give to tomorrow.

I will get up tomorrow morning and write three pages of long hand. I will purge any negativity before the day begins and subconsciously come up with an action plan. Walking? I will find a way. I will.

What can you do to initiate a plan to rejuvenate your weary soul? Little things. It is all in the little things. Try to come up with one small sustainable action you can institute into your routine. 

This is easier said than done. I know. Just try ... and if it doesn't happen today, try again another day. Just don't give up.

Sunday Serenity

I have disconnected myself from electronics every Sunday for several Sundays now. How can I describe this in three words or less? It feels incredible!

I allow myself one caveat. I do leave my cell phone on the kitchen counter so I can still hear when an incoming message arrives. Some of the best things happen by allowing myself to be open to a spur of the moment invitation or phone call. But everything else is off. No computer, no TV, no surfing the Internet, no Netflix.

The hum of technology is draining me. Always feeling "on" is exhausting. I am losing my sense of self by numbing myself in Netflix marathons and falling into the rabbit holes of "discovery" on the Internet.

The moment I turn off all my connections, I am immediately drawn to "Mom's Room".

The moment I am in that room, I want to read. I settle onto Mom's love seat, get comfortable and I can't wait to lose myself in a book. Every time I stumble into an unfamiliar word, I grab Mom's dictionary from the side pocket of the end table beside me, breathe in the essence of Mom and carry on.

Sundays are not long enough. I can't get enough of what Sunday has to offer. I long for another "Sunday" the moment my existing Sunday is spent.

Sunday is a day defined by doing all things that bring quiet, serenity and joy into my soul. I see why Oprah has "Super Soul Sundays" - Sunday is a very good day to tend to your inner sense of joy.

May you make room for a day of disconnection and soul searching. I highly recommend it!

Be Still

Words were not forthcoming this morning. 

I sat here and tried to write. Then deleted everything. I read something to create the opportunity for new thought patterns. I wrote some more. Then I deleted it again.

I walked away, washed my hair and vacuumed.

The words that kept chiming through my head as I toiled away at all the "hard things" I squeezed into the space where I could have been writing?

"Be Still"

"Be Still and Know"

"Keep Moving and Guess"

Why am I craving more weekend time in the easy life I live? The desire to be still. Be still and know.

I am caught up in the weekly routine that is life as I know it. I have no reason to complain. But I do.

I simply want to be still. Be alone. Tune out the world. And know.

What is your inner voice telling you as you go through your days? Listen to the voice that speaks quietly. Don't ignore your inner knowing. 

Be still and know ...

So Glad to Be Home

Today is "my day". The calendar is empty. No outbound emails, calls or reservations need to be made. No appointments (inbound or outbound). I believe the world around me is at peace and no one needs a piece of me.

It was a very committed weekend. It was all good and I enjoyed everything I did, everyone I spent time with and even an unexpected visit with an aunt and uncle I wouldn't have had if I had stayed home.

It was good.

But I just want to wrap myself up into a little cocoon and hang out on the couch today. I have seven hours to do with as I please.

I am socially spent. I just need a little alone time. Seven hours ought to do it.

What do you need today? I hope you can grab a big enough piece of whatever it  is that sustains you (yes, chocolate counts!).

It feels like a "third cup of coffee" kind of day. Happy Monday!

... four more days to go ...

The Whispers

I sat down with Oprah's book "The Path Made Clear" yesterday. Quite possibly all I needed to do was to reread the names of the chapters to put me on the right path but instead I decided to listen to the free audio book I received (compliments of Oprah, included in the ticket price of seeing her Live!) while I read along in her book.

I was sitting on the couch with the lure of daytime television and Netflix vying for my attention. My cell phone was close by and I couldn't seem to stop myself from checking Facebook updates and listening (hoping) for incoming messages from outside our home.

I read through the chapters "The Seeds" and "The Roots" with ease. Then I reached the chapter named "The Whispers".

I have been quiet and still enough to hear the whispers of my mind before but in this highly connected and rather committed life I lead, I can feel the whispers gaining momentum. I'm sensing their call in the way wake up in the morning and how I feel as I go through the motions of living my life.

It is summer holiday time. "I need to seek out some quiet" I thought to myself. I only have a week. I had other hopes and plans for that week. I have been overspending on my renovation budget and booking myself into a quiet retreat felt possible but not plausible.

Then I heard within the quiet whispers of my mind an invitation my son issued to me. Would I spend some time out at their farm while they went on a holiday?

Yes! Yes!! YES!!

I can and I will and I WANT to do this! I can't wait. I hope the whispers of my thoughts are patient as we bide our time and await this holiday where I will be alone with my thoughts, two dogs, two rabbits and an ever growing cat population.

Oh, How I Have Missed Me So

Oh, how I have missed my own company. The simple knowledge that I had two, five hour drives in my future calmed me. Five hours when I had to stay awake, without the distraction of technology or a television set, to think my own thoughts and hear what I had to say.

I love how my thoughts waft aimlessly through my brain when I drive. My subconscious mind lets go of restrictions held at bay due to living a life where responsibilities, interaction and the need for sleep which take precedence during my normal day-to-day life.

My thoughts drift in, around and through my mind on an endless loop which provides a clarity I can't seem to find otherwise.

I found this particular drive therapeutic the year I drove back and forth to Mom's on a regular basis. Five hours of unharnessed thinking gave me the stamina I needed to be who I needed to be, whether at home or at Mom's.

Oh, how I have missed that drive.

I have had so many thoughts I haven't had time or energy to think through without interruption. The timing of this trip was right on so very, very many levels. But that drive. Oh, the drive! I'm grateful I had a defined destination, otherwise I may be on the east coast by now.

I feel very blessed to say that I enjoy my own company. I'm so glad to have become reacquainted with my inner being. I feel like I can breathe again ...

Turning Down the Connections

I attempted to take a mini-break from technology this past weekend so my promise (to myself) to blog regularly suffered in the wake of my weekend off. Nothing stopped me from grabbing a pen and paper to write regardless of my Internet disconnection, except for a lack of words. Writing without purpose is equivalent to speaking when you have nothing to say. Perhaps I should take a break more often.

Instead of wasting a day on the computer, I opened a book. Actually two books. I read. All day. It was wonderful. I think I need to do this more regularly, to regain a longer attention span. The computer, the Internet, social media and the instant communication devices we have in our possession these days have resulted in my attention span being equivalent to that of a gnat. My thoughts flit, flop and fly away. I can't hold onto what I was thinking a moment ago and little things are escaping me on a regular basis. Something has to change.

Reading is more time consuming than playing on the computer but I believe it is a better investment of time. Yes, I could (and did) put my book down at any point of the day but I was reading a book that completely captivated my interest and I had no desire leave the story that was unfolding before me.

My enjoyment of the day I was living resulted in me turning down an invitation I had time to over-think. I know I should have accepted the invitation for what it was and simply showed up. The more I lost myself in my day, my book and the moment I was in, the less desire I had to pry myself out of the house and interject myself in an uncomfortable social setting. I took the easy way out. I backed myself out of the commitment and stayed home.

I much prefer my invitations to be of the "Want to meet for lunch in half an hour?" variety. Which I received on the second day of the weekend.

As much as I was enjoying my second book, I hesitated but a moment to get dressed and join the day in progress. No time to over-think. No time to even think. Just go with the moment. It is my favorite way to go.

This was followed by another small request which was just as easy to say "yes". "I'm on my way over, would you mind if I came for supper ...". The mantra "If I cook it, they will come" ran through my thoughts as I easily said "yes" and turned the oven a little higher to speed up the cooking process.

My guest had one final request - a cup of coffee. Caffeinated. Who am I to let someone caffeinate on their own!? So I had a jolt of energy late in the day which resulted in the ambition, motivation and desire to mow the lawn once I was home alone again.

I didn't quite turn "off" my technological devices. I simply turned them down. I sat still with my thoughts and in the aftermath of the weekend I do have a few words which have accumulated in my word bank. I'll be back ...

Tapped Out

I'm starting to fade. We are eighteen days into January and my new and improved plan to lead an intentional life. I'm tuckering out.

Is it the weather? It is -32º outside. It's COLD out there. It's nice and cozy inside. I want to stay home.

Is it my working hours? Being out of the house for ten+ hours is hard. So hard. I love being at home. Renovated or not. Nestled up inside this warm, cozy cocoon is exactly where I want to be. The long days are taking a toll.

Is it time? I've been revved up and trying to do this "living an intentional life" thing right for eighteen days, minus two Sundays where my ambition and drive withered up and disappeared, thus returning me to my cocoon state for one much needed day of rest after six hard days of life. I'm simply in need of an extra "Sunday" this week.

Is it the upcoming renovation project? As daunting as I know it will be, I think the idea of renovating is fuelling me. This is good.

Is it the outpouring of cash? The dollar signs are flashing through my mind as I try to forecast my financial future. I know it will be okay. But it is hard.

Is it the up and coming commitments I have on the horizon? I don't think so. I'm actually very much looking forward to my upcoming weekend plans. I do love the fact that my ability to look forward to and anticipate extra curricular activities has returned. To a point.

I simply don't have the energy, motivation or desire for "more". I am not looking for anything beyond what already exists here within my cozy little world. I'm not looking for anything beyond what I already have. I am content. So content.

I thrive on quiet and alone time. Solitude fortifies and restores me. That ... and light. It is 8:30 a.m., I just cracked the blinds open a little and the sky is starting to show signs of lightening.

The days are a little longer. The weather is a little colder. It is January. I am simply craving a "snow day".

I don't know why I stopped to write here today other than the fact I'm trying to restore the habit of writing into my days. That, and taking care of my feet. Yes, I tend to my cuticles and buff my calloused feet every time I bath. Adding ONE good habit at a time.

I have added writing and foot-care into my daily regimen. That is enough.

The end.

Home for Christmas (and loving every moment of it)

Life has been quiet. I have been on holidays for eight days and I haven't strayed far from home other than absolutely necessary. It has been ... perfect.

My life has evolved over the course of the past several years. From daycaring, to Momcaring, to the year which followed. A year of work, rest and a LOT of vacation time away from home.

I'm a homebody. I love home. I love quiet. I feel like I could envelope myself within this tiny little world and it would be enough. 

I keep beating myself up for not having the ambition I "should" have. Where has it gone? Will it return? When do I start "filling myself up" by achieving small goals and tending to everything within this oasis I call home?

These are the conversations with myself:

"The Year of Mom" took a toll. I came home to work, regroup, tend to what needed tending and then went back to Mom's. Rinse and repeat. Over and over. I did this until it didn't need to be done.

Then I rested.

"The Year After Mom" took its toll in its own way. Who was I if I wasn't looking out for Mom's best interests? Before and after her death, Mom was my priority. I could hear her words and remember her eyes as I mulled over conversations of the past. Mom accompanied me through that time long after she left our world. She was a force to be reckoned with. 

After I had done all I could do, I broke. I fell into a million tiny pieces and I had to put them together each and every morning to do what had to be done. I slept. I worked. I ate. Rinse and repeat. Over and over. I did this until it didn't need to be done any longer.

I started to become whole throughout the last part of the year. I woke up in one piece each morning and my feet didn't feel as heavy. I could do hard things and get through the days. I still lived for the weekend though. My definition of a perfect weekend is a weekend when I don't have to leave home. Home is where I most want to be. 

I vacationed. I didn't think I could. But I did it. I made plans. I followed through. I had fun while I was away from home and enjoyed every moment of the experience. But coming home was still the highlight. Home. There is no place like it!!

Then came "Christmas". Holidays without a plan. I have anticipated these holidays like no other. Time off work with no place to go, no expectations, no needs to be met. Christmas at home was the perfect gift at the end of this second Christmas without Mom.

I knew I should accomplish something with this time. I should paint. I should organize and cull the excess. I should write. I should, I should, I should ....

The "shoulds" started screaming at me. I heard little else until I shut them down. I would stay home. I would buy groceries. We would eat well throughout my time off. I would follow my whims and see where they took me.

They haven't taken me very far.

I have spent one day "Netflixing". I spent another day glued to an addictive "Word Wipe" game trying to beat my highest score. I have spent endless hours following the Internet path of where my curiousity takes me. I have done up a "preliminary 2018 income tax return" and know where I stand with my taxes. I read a book. 

I made turkey soup with Thanksgiving Day turkey broth. I boiled up Christmas Day turkey bones for soup broth at a later date. I have cooked a few meals. I have assembled easy-to-grab sandwich fixings for lunch. I made breakfast Christmas morning. I have supplied food for the season and it has been good.

I have talked with three friends. I have emailed a few relatives. I called my uncle Christmas morning. Even within this fortress of solitude, I have brought friends and family into my safe little bubble. All, while sitting here in my pj's. I have been having the time of my life.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. 

I'm a homebody. I love home. I love quiet. I feel like I could envelope myself within this tiny little world and it would be enough. 

I know enough to be careful what I wish for. What if "this" was all I could have? What if I didn't live in a world where invitations, interaction, work obligations, friends and family weren't at my fingertips? Would this be enough?

I know it wouldn't be. I know I have this incredible peace within me because I have a sense of purpose combined with strong, safe relationships with people outside of my tiny little bubble. 

My bubble wrapped little world. I'm not taking may risks here yet. I'll keep taking one forward step at a time. Peace and contentment first. The rest will follow ...

It's Been a While ...

The last time I wrote here, I wrote about rabbits. I was determined to write about that which was sunny and bright; thoughts that were thoroughly digested, interpreted and had a moral at the end of the story. I wanted to write about light and easy. But I wasn't "there" yet. So I stopped writing.

If you can't say something good, don't say anything at all. Or as Mom told me her own mother's words of wisdom (in a rather hushed tone, because these were not her words and she didn't speak in this particular *vernacular): "Don't give up your guts".

Mom's words continue to waft freely through my thoughts. She was pretty wise, so I've been listening. There is a time to be quiet. This has been that time.

It has been okay. I have been busy. Life has been committed. I've been places. I've done things. I'm planning to do more.

I've been with people. I've been alone. I've travelled. I've stayed home. I've planned. I've laid back and gone with the flow of plans others have made. I've worked. I've idled.

What I have learned about myself right now is:

I prefer to be alone. Home is my favorite place to be. Planning is okay but it isn't what it used to be. I prefer to be idle.

When I am home, I do very little but gather my strength do what must be done. I numb my thoughts with food, Netflix and sleep. This fuels me in a manner where I can function. It soothes me. I am content. I am okay with this state of idleness.

I have discovered that one of my most favorite places to be is nowhere.

I savor the spot when I am in between destinations. Driving down a highway or all checked in at an airport awaiting a flight's departure and the feeling of weightlessness in mid-flight as I have flown off to a few destinations. I love looking down into the clouds below and marvelling at the orderliness of cultivated fields below.

When I cannot be in between destinations, I tend to find serenity by standing at the living room window watching for rabbits or birds or simply staring up into the sky and looking upwards. If I'm not in a plane looking down into the clouds, I find myself on the ground, looking up. I am looking towards the heavens to see what can't be seen. But simply feel the calmness of being in that particular moment. And it is good.

I am searching. I'm looking for answers. My answers. I am trying to find my way around this new terrain I am wandering through. The ground is solid, there are few surprises, a few forks in the road but mostly I seem to feel comfortable with the path I am on. But it is a path which has a feeling of going nowhere.

I truly believe that is just a feeling. Not reality. I believe this state of relative predictability is temporary. I can already feel the landscape changing. It is uncomfortable. So I come home to eat, sleep, turn on the TV so I can tune out my thoughts. So I can get up and do the next day all over again.

My live has a feeling of the movie "Groundhog Day" where Bill Murray wakes up to the exact same day, day after day after day.

I tend to feel like I have little control over the outcome of the day. I spend ten hours of every weekday with my two seniors. One, whose body is starting to betray them and as one symptom is relieved, it comes at the expense of another symptom superseding the first complaint. The second, who is fighting to remember things. "What day is it?" is one of the easiest questions to answer. But there are so many more...

Life as I know it revolves around these two souls. I am teetering on a very precarious ledge. I know enough to savor each memory, each laugh and each day like there may not be a tomorrow. But the repetition is eroding my spirit.

So I go home and replenish my resources so I can wake up and live the same day all over again.

I feel anxiety and depression taunting me, reminding me they are laying in wait. I have joined a group where they teach us where these thoughts stem from in, order to have the tools to confront and battle them. I feel like I am in the beginner class where I need to be in an advanced one.

I am sitting within a group of brave souls who are where I used to be. I am painting this group with a very wide brush because my opinion of "where they are" is based only on those who are brave enough to speak. I am not one of those courageous participants so I have no right to voice my thoughts. But I have "been there and done that". I have fought my way back after divorce, separation, heartache, raising children, career challenges, Mom's ill health and eventual death.

I found a passion to fight for at the end of each of these life altering events. I found a new, stronger, feistier me at the end of each path. I found courage within. I was grounded in family, friendship and support. I have not lost any of the above ... except for my "passion".

I wrote that paragraph and dug out the book I have which may ignite the spark I'm missing. "The Passion Test". I received this book at a time when I was living a passionate life and thought to myself, "Who needs this? I could WRITE a book on the subject myself!" It's too bad I didn't act on that thought because now I am the person who needs to crack open the cover and research this topic a little.

It feels good to purge one's own thoughts now and again. Am I "giving up my guts" here today? Maybe. But only because I feel quite safe on the other side of where I have been. I know I'm headed in the right direction. I simply have to find the courage, energy and motivation to take one step in a forward direction and I will be better than where I have been.

Here is exactly where I am at in this moment in time. Writing in this blog spot with my 4th cup of coffee; The Passion Test at the ready; and yes, I am dreaming of home renovations (thus the Bath Fitter pamphlet); and a whole stack of birthday cards:

And just to prove my thoughts are not all sombre and dark, I actually laughed out loud in the birthday card section of the Co-op store last night when I found THE birthday card I would send myself:

If I was looking for a "sign" that Mom was watching over me and wanting to tell me to lighten up, THIS would be it! It is time to get over myself and stop pushing cats around in strollers. Whoops! Too late. Been there, done that:

Everything is okay. I am surrounded in a world I cherish and am totally grateful for. As I take one tentative step into this Thanksgiving Day weekend, I am shifting my thoughts towards gratitude and away from the responsibilities I must face before this day is done. There is stuffing to be made, carpets to be vacuumed and so much more. 

Today's mantra for myself:

One forward step at a time. Just move yourself in a forward direction. ONE step at a time (and pull out the Stove Top Stuffing boxes as a back up plan).

We can do hard things. ONE forward step at a time!

*Vernacular: The language or dialect spoken by the ordinary people in a particular country or region.

A Wireless Weekend

It was the right choice for me. Cancelling plans when you should be counting down the days until a much anticipated date is the right way to go.

I have not quite overcome the "dentist appointment" mentality when it comes to upcoming commitments written on the calendar. Even though it no longer takes a mammoth amount of strength to suggest and plan an extra-curricular activity, as the day looms I cannot wait for it to be behind me.

I tried to ignore it, but the feeling was oozing out my pores. If it was just my happiness at stake, I may have risked it. But there were others involved. Others, who WERE anxiously awaiting this upcoming retreat. Others, who I could have infected with this feeling.

So I cancelled. The weight of the world was released off my shoulders when I simply acted on my intuition. It was the right thing for me to do.

What I did instead, was to plan like I was going away and tend to all that needed to be tended before I hit the road bright and early this Friday morning.

The funny noise in my car has been fixed; the oil has been changed; gas tank is full; car is vacuumed and dusted; the lawn is mowed; my hair has been washed and tamed; the house is vacuumed. And the cats are as tended as they would be any day but as I cleaned their litter box this morning I sighed a happy sigh of relief, knowing I would be here tomorrow morning to do the same thing all over again.

You know you aren't living your best life when you look forward to cleaning the cat litter.

On a happier note, I plan to "unplug" myself from all things Internet and cell phone related. I have an "evite" I must respond to, but after I tend to that I plan to turn off my cell phone, computer and simply rely on the old fashioned means of communication.

I just wrote my "to-do" list for the weekend. It started as all lists do - write a list of chores you want to put behind you. It ended on a happier note:

Happy Friday to you! May you find what you to sustain you throughout this upcoming weekend. And if you want to reach me, please know that phone calls and drop by company is welcome. I'm not unplugging from "life". I am simply taking a break from technology. Television is not included. Not this time ...

A Bonus Day

I am sitting still, enjoying the moment at home in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon. Can I just say, "This is totally AWESOME!!!"

I'm not doing this "work" thing well. I am working at the same jobs I have worked at for the past year. I am not doing anything new. I am not working for different people. My role is essentially the same as it has been for the previous fourteen months. 

But it feels harder. Oh, so much harder.

A year ago, I was running out to Mom's on as "as needed" or "as I wanted" basis. The drive out to Mom's forced me to be awake, still with myself and think my own thoughts for five consecutive hours one way. Then five more hours coming home.

As a self declared introverted kind of person who gains their energy by being alone, I truly believe the combination of breaking up my work load with visits to see Mom, with the added bonus of ten hours of quiet meditation made all things possible.

I was no super hero last year. I just did the "next right thing". I showed up. I did what I had to do, when I needed to do it. And I just kept going back out to Mom's. Those trips saved me.

I knew my role. I was "daughter" (hear me roar?).

This year? I don't know anything. 

I am working at the same jobs, for the same people without breaks to run out and see Mom, nor my ten hours of quiet meditation on a regular basis.

My weeks are "the same old, same old". The only grasp I've had on holding onto my sanity throughout this long, cold winter was the knowledge that I got most Fridays off and rarely (if ever) had to work more than four days per week at my "day job". Knowing I had one or two weekdays off was the best part of my week. I lived for that bonus day.

Last Friday? I was asked to work. After working the Monday through Thursday which preceded it. Followed by working the following Monday. And (the implication was) another full five day week this week. Which was followed by a comment that there is so much to be done over the course of the next three months, I could pretty much work as much as I want ...

Did she SEE my expression when she told me this? Was this before or after I had a melt down of a minor kind over not knowing how to word and set up the invoices I had been toiling over for two days?  

Do I KNOW how fortunate I am to have a full time job, a regular income, a very good employer and such an opportunity? Yes, I do. I really, really do. 

But it is killing me softly, to work outside of my home ten hours per day, for five days of the week. I'm not made of that kind of stuff. 

I want to go back to running my daycare. I want to go for nice, long walks, I want to watch for the first robin of the season. I want to count ladybugs, chase butterflies, pack picnic lunches and create little adventures outside. I miss working from my home where I was my own boss and I could create the kind of days I needed. Most of all? I miss quiet time!

My ten hour work days are ten hours of "being on". Being accountable. Talking. Being sociable. No breaks. I barely stop to go to the bathroom ...

It can be done. I just don't want to do it. I just need that ONE weekday off to make it possible to do the rest of the things.

This morning, I decided to wash my sheets. By the time the weekend finally arrives, I never want to spend that time on the weekend because I have ZERO energy to expend. I would do it today!

I washed my sheets. Then I realized the mattress cover was due for a wash. The mattress was covered with big "lint balls" from the backing of the mattress cover. These balls didn't come off easily. I had to pick them off one at a time. I eventually just decided to shave it. 

It was such a novel concept. Time AND ambition ... wait! I didn't have time. I was supposed to leave for work soon. 

My little melt down yesterday stemmed from reaching the end of my knowledge base. I have worked on my own for almost four months and I have worked to the best of my capability without the guidance of my boss. I knew I had many shortcomings. But I kept trying. Yesterday, it became painfully obvious that I don't know enough to do it "all". I have soooo much to learn. But she is slowly recovering from a broken hip and she has only pockets of time and energy to ensure all is being done correctly.

Today, I knew she had appointments most of the day. She wouldn't be around for me to ask questions. I was feeling quite "broken" from the combination of working on my "day off" (last Friday) and my realization that I have so very much yet to learn. So I called and asked for today off. 

What could she say? She said "yes". As I called, she was heading out the door to work. She wouldn't have been there when I arrived. She had appointments. 

I feel inadequate, exhausted and tired of being "on" (even my weekends have been more committed to being social than I feel capable of). I have reached the end of my abilities. At least as of yesterday. I needed today (is it a "want" or a "need"? Honestly, it feels like a need) ...

I have been grasping at straws, trying to gain a foothold on this life of mine. I have been losing things. Waiting for other things. I'm running behind on most things.

This morning, I found the second "lost-to-me" item I have been looking for, for a while. This afternoon, I finally received a pension statement I had requested last December. Another letter finally made its way into my hands in a long and round-about kind of way. 

And now? Thanks to taking today off? I get to sleep in clean, fresh sheets tonight. 

A day off AND clean sheets (not to mention getting my hands on a few things I thought were lost to me forever) and I feel like I can live to work another day. 

There is nothing quite like a day off when you least expect it (and nothing quite like working a day you expected to have off either). It will all balance out in the end. It always does.

The Need to Dream

June 9, 2016

"Kids playing together and simply getting along, going with the flow, challenging their limits, inventing their own games, singing their own songs and turning drab little pebbles into something beautiful in their minds is what "being a kid" is all about. Yes, it was a blissful kind of morning."

Those were my thoughts at the end of my daycare day exactly one year ago.

As I read the paragraphs that preceded and followed this moment of bliss, I was reminded of the challenges we were facing on a daily basis. I was wearing out. But I still found these "heaven on earth" moments within our chaotic days.

It has been seven months since I worked my last day of daycare. Seven months to refocus, restructure and recreate my life, my goals, myself and my dreams.

That sounds a little more romantic than the reality.

I have been lost more often than I have felt grounded. There is a conflict between feeling over-committed and underwhelmed all at the same time. I need to live a life where I feel like I am making a difference. In doing so, the self talk within my brain is over critical, harsh, demeaning and I am about the worst boss I've ever worked for.

I need to rebuild my reserves by carving out quiet time to recharge my battery. Yet when I have extra time on my hands, I waste it. I am not making effective use of the time I crave so much.

My most favorite place to be has become on the highway between my home and Mom's. I am forced to sit still with my thoughts, stay awake with them and not numb them with any form of technology, food or sleep. I am wide awake, alert and conscious. I love that feeling. I may have become addicted to driving in order to keep my focus "in my own lane".

I miss being home.

Thus, I have started romanticizing about days gone by. I loved having my work come to greet me in my home each and every day. The dress code was right, my feet were comfortable, extreme weather conditions didn't affect my day. As long as the furnace was working, our roof sheltered out the elements of the weather and we had food in the fridge, I had everything I needed right within these very four walls.

I miss my walls.

I have often walked through my life feeling immense gratitude for "my walls". A home where I felt safe, happy and protected from the harsher elements of life and the world around me has always centered me and made me feel whole. Even during the toughest days at daycare, I found my solace within these very walls.

I am hopeful summer will lessen the load I've carried throughout this past winter. I am starting to look up more these days. Up towards the sky, as I watch the birds. And out towards the great beyond as I keep my eyes open for wildlife of the four legged kind. Unfortunately I have spending far too much time looking down, in an effort to avoid the tent caterpillars which invaded our world the past several weeks.

The tent caterpillars are almost at the end of their season. They are spinning their cocoons and entering a phase of dormancy before they come back to life as winged creatures with a whole new vantage point.

Perhaps my need for solitude is my way of cocooning myself so I can find my wings again. Maybe my focus on birds and their young families is nature's way of reminding me to look up and be aware. It may be that my attention is being drawn towards new life as a reminder that there is something new and exciting ahead.

I have lost my ability to dream. I miss my dreams. I may have walked around with my head in the clouds as I dreamed my little dreams but those very dreams propelled me into living a fuller life and a happier existence.

I see a quiet weekend at home in my future. I do believe I need to find my little place in the sun, grab an empty notebook and dream a little dream.

I miss my dreams...

Creating a Fortress of Solitude

Why does it feel so easy to let go of good habits and so hard to return to what worked so well for years on end? I was thinking of my writing as I wrote this, but the minute I started this second sentence, I realized it was not the writing habit I gave up so easily. It was waking at 5:30 a.m., in order to ensure I had time to myself before the rest of the world woke up.

I remember savoring my early morning paper route for that very reason. As I walked my route, houses were dark, car traffic was minimal and the foot traffic was next to none. I remember breathing in the peace and quiet. I thought of those who were inside those dark houses, still fast asleep &/or just starting to stir as I finished my route. I saw the Northern Lights dancing in the sky, shooting stars and even the snow glistened and shone as the street lights reflected their shimmer and shine.

Early mornings are truly magical. The magic ends as soon as the rest of the world starts to enter that place of solitude. I truly miss those moments.

Instead, I have become very cat-like in my sleeping habits. 

I nod off to sleep very easily, I wake often and when morning comes I feel just like my little big black cat when he woke up this morning. He stood up, he did an on-the-spot cat stretch, walked in a semi-circle for exactly one step, then changed his mind and curled back up into a tiny little cat ball. Yep! That is exactly how I felt too. So we all enjoyed one last cat nap before we jumped out of bed and into the day.

I have another morning off today and I am without an agenda to push me into action. The cats and I took our time getting out of bed and now that we are all up, every little thing is distracting me from my new found desire to get back into the habit of writing.

I am torn between working on a Suduko puzzle, answering emails, buying tickets and unjamming the printer after buying said tickets. My attention span is very cat like. Every moving thing and little noise distracts me. I'm up and about, then down for the count. 

My brain is starting to fill with all the things I could be and should be doing but instead, I am making myself another cup of coffee. The morning is going to take care of itself and I will have very little to show for it. 

I need to bring back that-which-was-good in my life. I need to bring early morning solitude back into my days. A quiet place to start. Time to reflect. A chance to fill myself up before I go out into the world and spend my energy.

I have a sense of feeling "depleted" within me. I believe it stems from waking up at a time when the world starts beckoning to me. I need to create a "Fortress of Solitude" just like Superman. Those superpowers may have come from his deep seated knowledge that one must fulfil themselves with what they need before they can go out and save the world.

Superman and I have a lot in common that way...

Meditation 101

Meditation. I need this. I should learn how to do this. It would be good for me. I can tell, by my complete inability to follow through on any one thought, task or sentence (in fact I had to come back and finish this uncompleted sentence that I left dangling on my first write through).

The chatter in my head is driving me batty. The guilt, the fear and simply the overwhelmed state of my thoughts is running rampant within my thoughts and I'm stuck. Thankfully I'm emptying closets (slowly) so I have something to account for all of my spare time lately. But honestly? If someone was to ask me what I have accomplished lately, I think all I really have to say is "I have been thinking".

So I enrolled in Oprah and Deepak Chopra's 21 Day Meditation Experience yesterday morning. It was an interesting experiment.

Number 1 - If you have cats, you cannot meditate. Unless they are fast asleep. Do cats ever sleep soundly?

I shall set the stage. I sat down in the living room and set my gaze upon a street light outside. Just get yourself into a trance and lose yourself was my mantra. Sit, gaze, listen, declutter my brain.

Then I heard a cat. It sounded like Jet was eating the fresh roll of toilet paper I just brought out (his favorite). I paused the meditative state and raced to the bathroom. Jet wasn't attacking the toilet paper. He was playing in the "cat toy drawer". It doesn't matter. Let it go. These were my first mantras of the morning.

So I sat down again and pressed "Play".

A few calm moments later, I realized I needed to make an urgent trip to the bathroom myself. I paused again. On my way back to the couch, I thought "This is interesting and relaxing. I'll just grab my coffee ..."

I curled up on the couch with my coffee in hand and set my gaze upon that streetlight once again. Now I was ready to be still and "meditate". Then Deepak told me to get comfortable because "this" was when we were going to start to meditate.

I rustled around on the couch and missed everything he said while all this noise was going on in and around my head. Okay. I was ready. I would just rewind the video and start from a few minutes prior. But the video wouldn't let me rewind. What?!! I guess that is lesson #1 - when meditating, there is no need to rewind. Because you are still. And quiet. And in a hypnotic state. And you can't move yourself out of your comfortable spot. Because you are in the zone.

I tuned back in when Deepak was telling me what to chant in my head as I sat still and emptied my brain of thought. "Aham Prema". He told me what these words meant "I am love". These are my thoughts that followed:

Okay. Aham Prema. Aham Prema. Aham Prema, breathe, listen to my breath, breathe deeply ... What does that mean again? I can't remember. What was I supposed to be chanting in my mind again? I can't remember. How do I stop thinking? I didn't hear what he told me. I can't rewind. I can't remember the mantra. What are the cats doing? What do I need to be doing? I'm missing Kelly's radio show ...

The end. I give up. I can't do this, this morning. I can't stop the flow of words and they won't let me rewind the tape. How unfair! I quit!

Then I tuned into my nephew's new radio show and lived a very distracted morning as I blogged, checked my banking transactions, rechecked my budget, wondered about my financial future, pondered some financial forecasts, blogged some more, laughed a little as my nephew tickled my funny bone, checked out a few blogs, returned to my own blogging, made coffee, watched the cats at play, made more coffee and basically had the most un-meditative kind of morning ever.

This morning, I woke up at about 4:15 a.m. and felt pretty wakeful. It was too early to get up so I had a brainwave. I brought the computer into my room, turned on Oprah and Deepak's meditation series again and tried very hard.

This was working! I woke up the cats when I ran to get the computer but as I nestled back into bed, so did they. Jet snuggled in at my feet; Ray at my side. They cat napped and I listened to Oprah and Deepak's calm, relaxing voices and tried very, very hard to follow their instructions. There was no need to rewind because I got comfortable before I pressed "Play". I just sat and listened and breathed and tried to remember the mantra (I keep forgetting those words). Suddenly, I was back where I was yesterday morning.

What was I supposed to be chanting? What does it mean? What is the centering thought? What did they say? Why am I thinking? Why can't I stop .... breathe. In ... out ... focus on breathing ... deep breaths ... in ... out .... ... .... ...

Then I woke up when Deepak chimed his bell or whatever it was that he said he was going to do to signal the end of our meditation.

Does meditation count if you sleep through it? How do you turn off your thoughts? What was our centering thought of the day again? Did I hear anything? Why can't I remember??

Just ask me about the vivid dream I had just before I woke up before all of this meditation this morning. I remember it well. I was being robbed and I was very calm as I tried to help the perpetrators of the crime. I tried to humanize myself and them and I talked oh, so calmly. I handled it like a champ.

But do I know what Oprah and Deepak told me to focus on today? I need a workbook to go along with the meditation. Words alone do not penetrate the protective layer of words, thoughts, worries and guilt. I need to be fully engaged. I need to sit still, read, write notes and answer questions. Then I'm ready to absorb the words I have been given.

Do I need this? I think so. I think this state of quiet mindlessness and not thinking in words will help to centre me and still the chaos in my mind.

How do I accomplish this feat set out before me? I will Google that. There must be a place where I can read, write and interact with some information that teaches me how to still my mind. Maybe yoga is where it is at for me.

Things That Make You Go "Hmmm"

My horoscope for the week:

"You may succeed in making a living from your art. Some major changes allow you to take a new path in life ..."

Well, I'll be. 

I have been sitting here pelting off an inner dialogue which has been filled with words and doubt and fear. Yesterday I listened to Glennon Doyle Melton's interview with Maria Schriver and Glennon said that when you are thinking in "words", that is fear. The deep, wise "knowing" is something that comes to you in the quiet. It is wordless. It is like gravity.

I felt that sense of "knowing" when I knew I had to change what I was doing. It was weighted down with inner truth and it was wordless. I was scared to follow through on it but I knew it was the right thing to do. Because it was the "knowing".

This inner dialogue within my head, the words, the fears, the calculating, the Googling to see what I can do next. That is "fear". It is full of words. It is incessant. It isn't the truth. It is fear. It is negative. It isn't helpful when it tells me all I can NOT do.

So I walked away from listening to my guru, "Glennon" and told myself to "fear not", you will know when your truth sits down with you. You will know. You have time. You are okay. 

Then I went and double checked my financial status, back up plans and plans to back up the back up plans and trusted Glennon was right. I will not be afraid. Not today (or yesterday).

I woke up this morning knowing (See? It is happening already) the very next thing I had to do was to submit my columns to my newspaper editors. It was a small thing but it was the next right thing (Glennon also says we may not know everything at the same time but we always know the "next right thing"). 

It was small but it was something (else) weighing me down. Submit my articles and then take the next logical step.

I have been toying with the idea and waiting to feel courageous before I take the next step. I know I need to try to "sell myself" to more papers and publications. One of my editors gave me a contact name and number so I could make one call and she would be able to spread the word to all of the Saskatchewan weekly publications. I have held onto that name and number for the better part of a year. I have been feeling too inadequate, too overwhelmed and too fearful to make that call. My word well was drying up and I was ready to quit writing. That was not the time to be looking for "more".

I have many things I want to accomplish during my Time of Great Quiet. Ridding the house of its excesses is one major item on my agenda. Repairs and maintenance is another. Once the house is clean and taken care of (and yes, I do believe I recognize the fact that I "need" to have a clean and organized house as just another excuse), I want to sit still within my days and focus on writing.

I want to "sell myself" to more publications. I want to see what writing I can organize and compile into something one may call a "book". I don't want the noise and chaos of children, stuff, house maintenance and the fear monger which lives within my head to bother me while I'm doing this sacred work. I want to be still and quiet and know. 

This is what I want to do "next". After my column submissions are complete, edited, polished up and sent off. I want to sit still with this idea and see where it takes me.

"This" is what has been in the back of my mind and I was unable to hear it because the voice of "fear" has taken over my thoughts. "This" is what I've been striving towards ever since I started emptying closets, selling our belongings and lightening the load I'm carrying. "This" is part of where it is at for me. "This" and renting out a room. That is taking up a very big space within my thought processes as well.

I have been thinking these thoughts but pushing them down and aside and chastising myself for being a dreamer. Then I read this horoscope. Yes, I know. It is just a horoscope. It is a general comment meant to mean something to almost anyone who reads it. But it was directed to "Scorpios", this week and I read it today. Timing is everything sometimes.

You may succeed in making a living from your art. It did not state you "will" succeed. It said you "may" succeed. I will "never" succeed if I don't try. If I try, I will know I did my best and I "may" succeed on some level. My barometer for success is pretty low. Completing something I set out to do is a win in my books. 

Now is the time to try. My world is becoming quiet, the weight of excess is lightening, my responsibilities are manageable. Writing does not cost a penny. Above all else, this is the most affordable pastimes I could ever hope to stumble upon. It is a win, win, win situation.

Some major changes allow you to take a new path in life ...

It is just one of those things that makes me sit back and go "Hmmmm".

Christmas

I'm waking up in the darkness these days, turning on different lights as I walk through my morning routines. This morning thoughts of Christmas and the white light which surrounds Christmas enveloped me.

I thought of two things: "light" and "noise". I am craving calming light and a soothing soundtrack right now.

The very first (and perhaps only) constructive thing I did during my summer holiday was to change the ring tones on my cell phone. I wanted sounds that were calm and soothing to my ear. The factory preset sounds were those of loud, annoying urgency. I softened the tones and felt calmer.

This morning, I noticed how peace enveloped me when lights were turned on in rooms adjacent to where I was existing. Muted lighting was soothing. I felt calmer.

Artificial light and sound feel too harsh for me right now. Sunlight, moonlight, starlight, lights in a distance are just fine. I find the lights within the kitchen too harsh, so I turn on the light above the stove or the light in the entrance ways instead. I am amazed at how much that soothes my ragged soul.

Last night, I got a text from one of my parents who found a new daycare. I was terrified to read it. I have lived this week #1 of Quiet Daycare Existence in fear that the new daycares my charges have found have not worked out and I will get an unexpected "SOS" from one of my families begging me to take their children back until they find a "better fit". I should not have been surprised to find out that I was the one who was the bad fit for these children. The mom who wrote me last night told me their children are doing great at the new daycare so far. "It's a great fit." Which makes me fearful I am not the best person for the job of tending the last daycare child left standing (which I confessed to this parent first thing this morning and she assured me they were content with the daycare arrangements as they stand).

As it is with "Christmas", the white lights and the sense of giving ... on the flip side of finding the perfect gift for one person, you fear that the other gifts you give may pale in comparison.

Also, as it is with "Christmas" I seem to be torn in what direction I need to turn first in the gift of this time of newfound quietness. There is so much I want to fit into this season of my life. I must first learn to trust it will last as long as it needs to last.

I have found the time and space to bring "Glennon" and "Brené" back into my world. I read Glennon Doyle Melton's memoir "Love Warrior" in a day. A day! Unheard of, for me (the one with the attention span of a gnat). The next morning, I went back to the online course "The Wisdom of Story" (with Glennon and Brené Brown) I had all but forgotten. Their words were meant to come to me right now. I feel a healing balm soothing my ragged soul.

My first week of living a quieter life hasn't been what I expected. I'm not sure exactly what I expected but it wasn't "this". It wasn't the week I just lived. I've coasted. I haven't worked, I haven't accomplished anything, I haven't found the quietness yet. But Glennon and Brené are showing me a path. A path only I can choose to take. One path that may or may not take me to exactly where I need to be.

"This" is not where I expected to be at this junction of my life. I thought I would have figured things out by now. But I'm still searching, still seeking, still craving. Something. I'm not sure what it is but when I find out, it will be a gift.

Merry Christmas. As if I needed to be reminded of the season I am headed towards, Mother Nature sped things along for us here. This is our new world at the moment. I wasn't quite ready for it but it came anyway. Life is a little bit like that.