It's Been a While ...

The last time I wrote here, I wrote about rabbits. I was determined to write about that which was sunny and bright; thoughts that were thoroughly digested, interpreted and had a moral at the end of the story. I wanted to write about light and easy. But I wasn't "there" yet. So I stopped writing.

If you can't say something good, don't say anything at all. Or as Mom told me her own mother's words of wisdom (in a rather hushed tone, because these were not her words and she didn't speak in this particular *vernacular): "Don't give up your guts".

Mom's words continue to waft freely through my thoughts. She was pretty wise, so I've been listening. There is a time to be quiet. This has been that time.

It has been okay. I have been busy. Life has been committed. I've been places. I've done things. I'm planning to do more.

I've been with people. I've been alone. I've travelled. I've stayed home. I've planned. I've laid back and gone with the flow of plans others have made. I've worked. I've idled.

What I have learned about myself right now is:

I prefer to be alone. Home is my favorite place to be. Planning is okay but it isn't what it used to be. I prefer to be idle.

When I am home, I do very little but gather my strength do what must be done. I numb my thoughts with food, Netflix and sleep. This fuels me in a manner where I can function. It soothes me. I am content. I am okay with this state of idleness.

I have discovered that one of my most favorite places to be is nowhere.

I savor the spot when I am in between destinations. Driving down a highway or all checked in at an airport awaiting a flight's departure and the feeling of weightlessness in mid-flight as I have flown off to a few destinations. I love looking down into the clouds below and marvelling at the orderliness of cultivated fields below.

When I cannot be in between destinations, I tend to find serenity by standing at the living room window watching for rabbits or birds or simply staring up into the sky and looking upwards. If I'm not in a plane looking down into the clouds, I find myself on the ground, looking up. I am looking towards the heavens to see what can't be seen. But simply feel the calmness of being in that particular moment. And it is good.

I am searching. I'm looking for answers. My answers. I am trying to find my way around this new terrain I am wandering through. The ground is solid, there are few surprises, a few forks in the road but mostly I seem to feel comfortable with the path I am on. But it is a path which has a feeling of going nowhere.

I truly believe that is just a feeling. Not reality. I believe this state of relative predictability is temporary. I can already feel the landscape changing. It is uncomfortable. So I come home to eat, sleep, turn on the TV so I can tune out my thoughts. So I can get up and do the next day all over again.

My live has a feeling of the movie "Groundhog Day" where Bill Murray wakes up to the exact same day, day after day after day.

I tend to feel like I have little control over the outcome of the day. I spend ten hours of every weekday with my two seniors. One, whose body is starting to betray them and as one symptom is relieved, it comes at the expense of another symptom superseding the first complaint. The second, who is fighting to remember things. "What day is it?" is one of the easiest questions to answer. But there are so many more...

Life as I know it revolves around these two souls. I am teetering on a very precarious ledge. I know enough to savor each memory, each laugh and each day like there may not be a tomorrow. But the repetition is eroding my spirit.

So I go home and replenish my resources so I can wake up and live the same day all over again.

I feel anxiety and depression taunting me, reminding me they are laying in wait. I have joined a group where they teach us where these thoughts stem from in, order to have the tools to confront and battle them. I feel like I am in the beginner class where I need to be in an advanced one.

I am sitting within a group of brave souls who are where I used to be. I am painting this group with a very wide brush because my opinion of "where they are" is based only on those who are brave enough to speak. I am not one of those courageous participants so I have no right to voice my thoughts. But I have "been there and done that". I have fought my way back after divorce, separation, heartache, raising children, career challenges, Mom's ill health and eventual death.

I found a passion to fight for at the end of each of these life altering events. I found a new, stronger, feistier me at the end of each path. I found courage within. I was grounded in family, friendship and support. I have not lost any of the above ... except for my "passion".

I wrote that paragraph and dug out the book I have which may ignite the spark I'm missing. "The Passion Test". I received this book at a time when I was living a passionate life and thought to myself, "Who needs this? I could WRITE a book on the subject myself!" It's too bad I didn't act on that thought because now I am the person who needs to crack open the cover and research this topic a little.

It feels good to purge one's own thoughts now and again. Am I "giving up my guts" here today? Maybe. But only because I feel quite safe on the other side of where I have been. I know I'm headed in the right direction. I simply have to find the courage, energy and motivation to take one step in a forward direction and I will be better than where I have been.

Here is exactly where I am at in this moment in time. Writing in this blog spot with my 4th cup of coffee; The Passion Test at the ready; and yes, I am dreaming of home renovations (thus the Bath Fitter pamphlet); and a whole stack of birthday cards:

And just to prove my thoughts are not all sombre and dark, I actually laughed out loud in the birthday card section of the Co-op store last night when I found THE birthday card I would send myself:

If I was looking for a "sign" that Mom was watching over me and wanting to tell me to lighten up, THIS would be it! It is time to get over myself and stop pushing cats around in strollers. Whoops! Too late. Been there, done that:

Everything is okay. I am surrounded in a world I cherish and am totally grateful for. As I take one tentative step into this Thanksgiving Day weekend, I am shifting my thoughts towards gratitude and away from the responsibilities I must face before this day is done. There is stuffing to be made, carpets to be vacuumed and so much more. 

Today's mantra for myself:

One forward step at a time. Just move yourself in a forward direction. ONE step at a time (and pull out the Stove Top Stuffing boxes as a back up plan).

We can do hard things. ONE forward step at a time!

*Vernacular: The language or dialect spoken by the ordinary people in a particular country or region.