It's Been a While ...

The last time I wrote here, I wrote about rabbits. I was determined to write about that which was sunny and bright; thoughts that were thoroughly digested, interpreted and had a moral at the end of the story. I wanted to write about light and easy. But I wasn't "there" yet. So I stopped writing.

If you can't say something good, don't say anything at all. Or as Mom told me her own mother's words of wisdom (in a rather hushed tone, because these were not her words and she didn't speak in this particular *vernacular): "Don't give up your guts".

Mom's words continue to waft freely through my thoughts. She was pretty wise, so I've been listening. There is a time to be quiet. This has been that time.

It has been okay. I have been busy. Life has been committed. I've been places. I've done things. I'm planning to do more.

I've been with people. I've been alone. I've travelled. I've stayed home. I've planned. I've laid back and gone with the flow of plans others have made. I've worked. I've idled.

What I have learned about myself right now is:

I prefer to be alone. Home is my favorite place to be. Planning is okay but it isn't what it used to be. I prefer to be idle.

When I am home, I do very little but gather my strength do what must be done. I numb my thoughts with food, Netflix and sleep. This fuels me in a manner where I can function. It soothes me. I am content. I am okay with this state of idleness.

I have discovered that one of my most favorite places to be is nowhere.

I savor the spot when I am in between destinations. Driving down a highway or all checked in at an airport awaiting a flight's departure and the feeling of weightlessness in mid-flight as I have flown off to a few destinations. I love looking down into the clouds below and marvelling at the orderliness of cultivated fields below.

When I cannot be in between destinations, I tend to find serenity by standing at the living room window watching for rabbits or birds or simply staring up into the sky and looking upwards. If I'm not in a plane looking down into the clouds, I find myself on the ground, looking up. I am looking towards the heavens to see what can't be seen. But simply feel the calmness of being in that particular moment. And it is good.

I am searching. I'm looking for answers. My answers. I am trying to find my way around this new terrain I am wandering through. The ground is solid, there are few surprises, a few forks in the road but mostly I seem to feel comfortable with the path I am on. But it is a path which has a feeling of going nowhere.

I truly believe that is just a feeling. Not reality. I believe this state of relative predictability is temporary. I can already feel the landscape changing. It is uncomfortable. So I come home to eat, sleep, turn on the TV so I can tune out my thoughts. So I can get up and do the next day all over again.

My live has a feeling of the movie "Groundhog Day" where Bill Murray wakes up to the exact same day, day after day after day.

I tend to feel like I have little control over the outcome of the day. I spend ten hours of every weekday with my two seniors. One, whose body is starting to betray them and as one symptom is relieved, it comes at the expense of another symptom superseding the first complaint. The second, who is fighting to remember things. "What day is it?" is one of the easiest questions to answer. But there are so many more...

Life as I know it revolves around these two souls. I am teetering on a very precarious ledge. I know enough to savor each memory, each laugh and each day like there may not be a tomorrow. But the repetition is eroding my spirit.

So I go home and replenish my resources so I can wake up and live the same day all over again.

I feel anxiety and depression taunting me, reminding me they are laying in wait. I have joined a group where they teach us where these thoughts stem from in, order to have the tools to confront and battle them. I feel like I am in the beginner class where I need to be in an advanced one.

I am sitting within a group of brave souls who are where I used to be. I am painting this group with a very wide brush because my opinion of "where they are" is based only on those who are brave enough to speak. I am not one of those courageous participants so I have no right to voice my thoughts. But I have "been there and done that". I have fought my way back after divorce, separation, heartache, raising children, career challenges, Mom's ill health and eventual death.

I found a passion to fight for at the end of each of these life altering events. I found a new, stronger, feistier me at the end of each path. I found courage within. I was grounded in family, friendship and support. I have not lost any of the above ... except for my "passion".

I wrote that paragraph and dug out the book I have which may ignite the spark I'm missing. "The Passion Test". I received this book at a time when I was living a passionate life and thought to myself, "Who needs this? I could WRITE a book on the subject myself!" It's too bad I didn't act on that thought because now I am the person who needs to crack open the cover and research this topic a little.

It feels good to purge one's own thoughts now and again. Am I "giving up my guts" here today? Maybe. But only because I feel quite safe on the other side of where I have been. I know I'm headed in the right direction. I simply have to find the courage, energy and motivation to take one step in a forward direction and I will be better than where I have been.

Here is exactly where I am at in this moment in time. Writing in this blog spot with my 4th cup of coffee; The Passion Test at the ready; and yes, I am dreaming of home renovations (thus the Bath Fitter pamphlet); and a whole stack of birthday cards:

And just to prove my thoughts are not all sombre and dark, I actually laughed out loud in the birthday card section of the Co-op store last night when I found THE birthday card I would send myself:

If I was looking for a "sign" that Mom was watching over me and wanting to tell me to lighten up, THIS would be it! It is time to get over myself and stop pushing cats around in strollers. Whoops! Too late. Been there, done that:

Everything is okay. I am surrounded in a world I cherish and am totally grateful for. As I take one tentative step into this Thanksgiving Day weekend, I am shifting my thoughts towards gratitude and away from the responsibilities I must face before this day is done. There is stuffing to be made, carpets to be vacuumed and so much more. 

Today's mantra for myself:

One forward step at a time. Just move yourself in a forward direction. ONE step at a time (and pull out the Stove Top Stuffing boxes as a back up plan).

We can do hard things. ONE forward step at a time!

*Vernacular: The language or dialect spoken by the ordinary people in a particular country or region.

Breaking Free

My thoughts are all over the map so I have no idea where this post will go. Quite possibly it will end up circling around a few times before going no where and finishing up with no significant point. Oh well. Here goes nothing ...

This abbreviated work week is full of all kinds of diversions and twists from the norm. I don't know how it will end but any week that starts on a Tuesday is off to a running start.

The week started with an afternoon road trip which ended with me visiting with my sister in her park like back yard. The visit was short, sweet and a complete treat. The day wound down by heading off to "Danceland" for a little stroll down memory lane before we headed for home.

Danceland - I love the pictures that waft through my mind at the sound of that word. Yesterday I got to wander inside and take a peek at a small piece of local history which has transcended all time. As I gazed upon the dance floor, I could feel the past come up and touch me.

The desire to dance keeps coming to the forefront of my mind.

• Dancing is more effective than counselling
• Remembering those joy filled dance years
• Keeping in touch with friends from the dance studio
• An invitation to "like" my old dance studio's Facebook page
• Mom's love of dancing and her encouragement when I danced ...

Walking into the dance hall at Danceland rekindled all of those thoughts and made me wonder. Could I? Should I? Would I dance again??

Heaven knows I need the exercise! A little side order of "joy" sounds pretty enticing too. 

It started slowly and picked up speed, but I have actually made plans, bought tickets and looked beyond "today" for the first time in a long while. Writing an upcoming commitment on the calendar no longer holds the power to paralyze me as it has done in the past. I'm spending money like there's no tomorrow. 

I panicked at the way money seems to be flowing through my carefully planned budgeting scheme and chastised myself for spending so frivolously. Then I reminded myself that I have done this in the past. I have looked ahead, booked ahead, gone away and made memories. I didn't worry about the money and reminded myself over and over and over again - it all works out in the end.

I have spent much more money than I will be spending this upcoming summer. I did it during a time when my bills were higher, my pay cheque was lower and I had less available time than I do right now. I knew there would be no regrets. I just knew it.

I look back and think back on those whimsical trips and I was right. Even at the time, I was pretty sure I would never live to regret those indulgences, the memories made and the money that fell through my hands during what were some of the leanest, but best years of my life.

The dream has to come alive again. It is coming. It is a little frightening but I am starting to break free from the cocoon I have spun around myself. 

I have to break free of these restraints myself. I have not yet found the courage to say "yes" to everything. My wings are not that strong quite yet. But what I have found is that I am regaining my strength by learning when I need to say "no". When the mere idea of saying "yes" saps me of all I have become, I know I need to say "no". 

Small steps, accepting and issuing easy invitations, choosing what I know I am capable of doing and inviting others to join me feels empowering.

My wings are fragile but they are becoming stronger with each invitation to come out and rejoin the world again.

Will I dance again? Maybe. Just not quite yet ...

My Life According to My Blog Archive

"How am I doing with my promise to write daily?" was (one of) my early morning thoughts:

Well? All things considered, it looks like 2018 will outrank 2017 when it comes to the frequency of posts. But I'm still off to a slow start.

I started writing out loud in January of 2008. It was the winter of "Building Courage" after my last and final break up with the man I thought I would marry. 

Thoughts of "forever" were dashed and after the initial stages of grieving that loss, I picked myself up and built a pretty incredible little life.

As my eyes scan the years, I see the highlight reel run past me:

2008

The year of Mom's family's book of memories

The year of inviting family and friends into my life and our home

The year of my hernia surgery, which led up to:

2009

The year I returned to school

The year I started to dance like people were watching because ...

I started to prepare to compete in a dance competition, which was in:

2010

The year I danced 

The year I started doing bookkeeping out of my home

The year of great flexibility

Family and leisure first 

I worked in my day job in between the cracks

All good things must come to an end, which led to:

2011

The year my job lost its flexibility

I stuck it out until I returned from my great Alaskan holiday adventure

I quit my job and...

I was hired by the school system

I thought my work challenges were over

Little did I know they had just begun.

2012

The year of working to regain my reputation within my job at the school

The year of regaining my sense of self

The year I broke

What in the world was I going to do to support myself if I couldn't hold down a job in the "real world"?

It was the year I reopened my daycare.

2013, 2014, 2015

These were years of coasting a little

They were years of "showing up" and being there for others

They were years with shadows of ill health, loss and grief.

I finally completed the book of memories for Dad's family

It was a time of family bonding, in good times and in sad

These were years of starting to become more concerned about Mom's health.

2016

The year my daycare died

The year Mom fell and I started seeing the world in a whole new light

The year I restarted my "career". Again.

2017

The year of Mom

2018

The year after Mom has brought me back to where I started 

I am back at the beginning of 2008 all over again. 

I need to find ways to (re)build my courage. 

I feel like I'm recovering after a break up.

I crave, need and live for my weekends

When the weekend arrives, I feel like a broken hearted survivor of a relationship that has ended

A weekend without purpose, is a weekend lost.

I am no longer revolving my life around my desire to head back out to Mom's

I have been sleep walking through the weekends

They serve little purpose, other than giving me the strength to endure another work week.

When I first started writing within this little space of mine, my focus was on finding a positive spin about any little thing.

Mom marvelled at the fact that I could come up with a story about nothing

I liked my writing back in those days.

I have discovered so many inspirational writers and speakers throughout these years

Glennon Doyle is the most all-encompassing truth teller and motivator I know

I love everything I have read by Glennon.

Glennon speaks of "writing from a scar and not from an open wound"...

I'm writing from an open wound right now.

I keep picking the scab and it won't heal

I may never write again if I wait to write from the scar that will eventually form.

So I'm writing from a wound which starts to heal

Then breaks open when I least expect it.

I felt so courageous as I lived "The Year of Mom"

I feel weak and vulnerable now.

I mostly speak of the lessons learned,

Memories made,

Conversations had.

I am grateful for a year with so few regrets.

I guess the year took its toll on me after all

I created a world where I focused on Mom.

Mom is gone.

I have weekends at my disposal and I have grown accustomed to being selfish with my time

I saved my energy for those trips to Mom's

I gathered up all my optimism and packed it up with me each and every time

I did not want to be a Gloomy Gus while in Mom's presence.

Mom is gone

And I am sad

I have time

But I don't have the energy to share what I have

I'm used to saving it up for a rainy day.

It's raining now

You can't save energy

You have to generate it from action

Doing

Becoming

Being courageous.

The most courageous thing I do these days, is go to work

My work days deplete me

I feel like a wet dish rag at the end of my days away from home

I long for weekends.

I need to find a renewed purpose

I need to push myself out and beyond these moments.

Building courage becomes harder with age

Becoming comfortable with the quiet feels easier

But (as Mom said at the very end of her life), "This ... is not living".

Mom is right again.

She always was.

I will persevere

I will rebuild and restart life as I know it from where I am

I've done it before

I'll do it again

I will create a year worth remembering.

And this too, shall pass...

17 Ways to Build My Courage

I am six days into my "building courage" project. I wrote down a list of what I hope to achieve and I have left it in my line of sight every day since. It is a list of "small stuff" that seems to be making an impact. Amazing how every little bit helps ...

I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com today. Come join me to hear the long version of this little story: http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6514439-17-ways-to-build-my-courage/

Living Safe

I need to get myself out of this perpetual downward spiral and I think I'm onto something.

I can do this. It is time to start a new chapter. I'm tired of living in my safety net. It's time to step back onto the high wire of life and take a chance. I don't have to start at the top. I'll work my way up there. Would you like to join me?? Click here to go to Christine Kane's "66 Ways to Build Courage" post. Print it off. Circle at least five suggestions. You can do five. I'll bet you could tackle eight! Come and join me on my adventure. I promise to write all about it and I would love to hear your stories as we make our way in this Brave New World together.

I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com (http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6505101-living-safe/)

The Universe is Listening (be careful what you are thinking)

I went back and reread my posts of the past week to see where the changing of the tides began. Because boy, did they change!

I told a friend last night "I feel happy today. Genuinely happy. Usually I feel fine. Or okay. Or I can push through, but today I actually feel happy!"

I wrote a long, convoluted (definition: extremely complex and difficult to follow)  email to my brother last night. And within said email, I kept confessing my deep, dark secrets that I do not speak aloud and exactly how the outside world was reacting to these little true confessions of my mind.

I kept writing "don't tell anyone - this is a secret" because even though I purge a lot of words on a regular basis, I keep an awful lot to myself.

That quiet little voice inside of my head, that chides me, ridicules me, lets me dream a little dream and talks me down off a cliff (of overspending or over thinking or dreaming impossible dreams), sometimes makes me smile.

Yesterday my little internal conversation was one of the "what if I end up alone forever and ever?" kind and I was wondering if I should strike a "If we're both still single by the time we are 69 ..." pact, when "the universe" came through and placed a welcome distraction right in front of my path. Literally.

I dream a lot of dreams and this particular character has actually showed up in my dreams a time or two.

Feeling very brave and feisty inside my happy, delusional little mind, I actually said, "We should get together for coffee sometime" and we both nodded and smiled the way people do when they set a sometime, somewhere, maybe kind of "date" like it's never gonna happen.

This conversation catapulted me into a day which already felt very fine.

Little financial miracles unfolded all day. I am not kidding you. Right from the moment go.

A quote for finishing up the interior of our new basement window came in at the low end of the spectrum as my day began and ended with a friend buying me a coffee with several unexpected boons sprinkled generously throughout the day.

One week ago, I wrote a post revolving around this quote:

"Life is always listening to the silent requests of your heart and mind. What you have in your life right now is a function of your own requests." ~ Iyanla Vanzant

One week later, I am amazed and astounded in the way my thoughts have turned around. I somehow shifted the "woe is me" syndrome into one of empowerment.

Changing my thought processes into what I could do to empower myself turned things around. The universe reacted to my thoughts, my actions and even my amusing little pipe dreams which I never speak aloud.

"What you think about, you bring about."

Focusing on those silent requests of my mind has turned my world around in one short week. 

Small Adventures

My favorite entertainer, my Mr. Feel Good (Jeffery Straker) is coming to our Fair City on Thursday night. So ... I asked a friend if she was interested in going to see him. I received a resounding "Yes!" as an answer and I was off.

I invited two handfuls of friends to join us. One group from the dance studio (oh, how we enjoyed those 'Girls Night Out' while they lasted!) and another group from my former place of employment.

By the day's end, I had heard from six out of eight and three out of the six are joining the fun (with one 'maybe' tossed in for good measure). Pretty good stats if I do say so myself.

I have stumbled across a strategy that works well for me. "Cast a big net ... then focus on what you reel in". I do it a lot.

I sent out mass emails to extended family and ended up with a few reunions in the works. I sent out hundreds of resumes to papers and I have ended up with my column in two more papers. I have tossed out ideas to immediate family and friends and often we are able to turn little ideas into great adventures.

Yesterday was no different. I knew that I wanted to attend this concert and I was (almost) certain that I wouldn't have a hard time finding someone who would like to join me. If no one would have committed I would have probably went and bought two tickets anyway and I am certain that I could have found someone to take advantage of my offer.

The gift of these mass mailing invitations that I send out into the world, is the replies.

I hear back from many and even if the answer is no, we connect on a level that makes future contact easy and imminent.

This is the benefit of group emails. I can address one email to three people or eight or one hundred. I extend myself one time and reach my intended audience. One reply is all that it takes for me to feel that I have succeeded in my mission.

Back in the old days, one would have had to pick up the phone and dial it three times or six or one hundred. One positive response does not carry the same weight when you have two or seven or ninety nine rejections.

So I have become just a small bit addicted to the notion of casting a wide net. You may not catch all of the fish in the sea that way ... but the odds of catching one is much more likely, than by casting once-at-a-time from the shore.

To a girl who is allergic to rejection and is often scared silly to extend these types of invitations, it is one way that I have found to enhance my life and how I live it.

What can you do in your world to increase your chances of success? Whatever you do, focus on what you achieve and give that all of your energy.

Find what you love to do and do it. Look where you want to go and go for it. Book  your tickets and invite others along for the ride. You may be amazed at the results. If for no other reason than you are finally following your own destiny.

If you live the life of your dreams ... the rest will come.

If I Invite Them...

I'm living my 'Field of Dreams' life once again ...

January 12, 2010 I wrote this:

"If I open it (a daycare) ... they will come"

"If I write it (a book, a blog) ... they will read it"

"If I ask (invitations to family and friends) ... they will come"

"If I believe it (working from home) ... it will (eventually) succeed"

"If I am living my life to the fullest ... people will join me on my adventure"

I am learning that if you live your life with intention - if you say you are going to do something, believe that you can do whatever you set your sights on, steer your life in a direction where you can pursue your dreams ... anything is possible.

Sometimes all it takes is for one person to take a step and commit to a dream ... and you find many others will come into your life and walk with you through your own personal Field of Dreams.

January 15, 2014 I wrote this:

Something deep inside of me sparked yesterday when I made one brave decision. That decision was to make a plan and then invite people along for the ride.

I made a few moves in a familiar direction yesterday. It rekindled the spark that led me down the path that I travelled during those years where I felt fearless and was fuelled by following through on small ideas.

Today (March 10, 2014) I write this:

It never ceases to amaze me. The cycles of life. I have looked back upon my life 'a year ago today' or 'five years ago today' or 'any amount of years ago today' and so very, very often I find that I am repeating a pattern. Some of them are good. Some of them are not.

The good thing about looking back and seeing that I was in a bad 'space' X-amount of years ago today, is that I know that I dug myself out of that spot and life felt that much better once I overcame the crisis-of-the-moment.

I've been digging myself out of a spot I found myself in quite some time ago. I didn't consciously make the decision to repeat history but that is exactly what I have subconsciously done.

I have made plans. I have investigated 'adventures'. I have instigated gatherings. I have booked tickets and rooms and resorts and simply invited people along for the ride. Do you know what I have found? A lot of people were ready to be invited...

One week ago today, I had an idea. Seven days later, sixty two people (and the number is still growing) have joined me for the ride. I keep hearing that everyone was 'ready' for this but needed someone to start the ball rolling.

"If I invite them ... they will come"

It feels good to be back. I am walking in my Field of Dreams once again.

The Year of Weaving Back the Tapestry of My Life

Something deep inside of me sparked when I made one brave decision. That decision was to make a plan and then invite people along for the ride.

It all started as easily as that.

I decided to go and visit my mom one weekend. My car was headed in that direction. I extended a few invitations and it felt wonderful to say "No pressure. The choice is yours. I am headed that way anyway and all you have to do is hop in and enjoy the ride!"

I think that is basically what a lot of us want to hear. We just want the option to join. Not out of obligation or a sense of doing the right thing. We want to follow our own whims. And sometimes, just sometimes, we need that choice to be easy.

The years 2009 to 2011 were years of living my life to the fullest. They were filled with making plans and asking people to come along for the ride. Sometimes they did. Sometimes they didn't. In the end, I was the winner. I was an active participant in my own life and they were wonderful years.

They were years when I believed anything was possible. I pursued dreams and caught a few. I felt younger than I had felt the entirety of my life. I started to believe in me.

It all started with a decision to return to school. That choice opened up so many doors that had absolutely nothing to do with education but everything to do with freeing up my schedule so I could live a life beyond work and being a mom. 

I spread my wings and flew. I soared like an eagle. I found so much within myself that I honestly believed that I was capable of much more than I ever dreamed possible.

Thankfully I didn't take a nose dive in mid flight. My descent down to earth came in the form of employment that didn't fit me. I started investigating other options and thought that I found a winner. In two words? I didn't.

In a paragraph (which is worthy of a chapter), a bullying situation in a work place took me down farther than I had ever been before. I was 51 years old and I was a victim. I walked through an abusive marriage from the ages of 17 to 27 and it didn't take me to the depths that two months in a toxic workplace situation did. The fall of 2011 will forever go down in history as the season that unravelled me.

It has been a slow process of rebuilding since that point in time. I don't question the fact that I learned lessons that were very good ones to learn. I walked a path many have walked before me. I had such a rosy attitude before I learned a very important lesson. No one is immune to the effects of a bully.

I had one negative experience. There were a few co-conspirators that aided and abetted the situation. Other than that, I was surrounded by positive people, encouragement, appreciation and everything one would think they would need to negate two months of a bad situation. Yet I could not find the person I was before this all began.

It has been a long, arduous process. I have had friends, family, support and encouragement that far exceed that which I ever expected. I have a wonderful support system all around me. But no one else could build me up. It had to come from within.

The next few years were spent repairing the foundation on which I was built. It was on shaky ground and I needed to start from the bottom up. Reopening my daycare was the first best decision that I made that put me back in the driver's seat of my life. 

It takes time for relationships to grow within those we meet in our lives. So why would I expect anything different when it came to rebuilding my relationship within myself?

Baby steps. Steps in a forward direction. Rebuilding. More solid than it was to begin with. I finally, finally started filling myself up once again. But I was still ruled by fear. Fear of making mistakes. Fear of making decisions. Fear of acceptance. Though those years were very critical to the process, they were the years when fear overruled rational thought.

It was frustrating to remember the person I used to be and see the person I had become were not in sync with each other. Why couldn't I find the "me" I was during the years of living life to the fullest? Where did she go?

She is gone. She had to learn a few lessons and come back with a little more perspective. She had to find the new "her" within the lessons learned before she was ready to hop back into the place which brought her the greatest happiness. 

The year of 2014 will go down in my personal history as the year that I took those loose threads and started weaving them back into the tapestry that is my life.

I have made a few moves in a familiar direction. It rekindled the spark that led me down the path I travelled during those years where I felt fearless and was fuelled by following through on small ideas.

Baby steps. Steps in a forward direction will eventually take you to where you are meant to be. Even when you felt like you are back tracking, you are taking necessary steps. If we want to evolve and grow, we must follow the path that we are on and simply trust that the journey is a part of the plan.

It All Matters

I cannot help but remember the small, insignificant things that led me to 'exactly where I was meant to be' yesterday ...

I remember one phone call that quite possibly changed my destiny.
Saying "yes" opened a door that will never be closed.
Making a friend that felt like family gave me the courage to do the next right thing.
Using that courage, I became an active member of the family that I have always belonged to.
Taking a chance, I asked one person "What do you think of this idea ...?"
Jumping into that project that has opened more doors than I could ever imagine.
Making memories, while collecting memories.
Getting to know my family, like my friends ...

All of this grew together and gave me the courage to 'just show up'. By showing up, I have learned ...

If you feel like you should call someone, don't talk yourself out of it. Just CALL.
If you feel like you should be there, just GO.
If your heart is telling you to do something, follow where it takes you.

Sometimes, all you need to 'be' ... is there.

Listen with your heart.
Reach out and touch someone. A hand. A shoulder. A hug.
Speak in whatever language they are speaking. Sometimes silence is golden.
Through laughter and tears, let yourself feel your way through the moment.

When you feel that whisper in your consciousness telling you to reach out to your world and extend yourself ... follow your own lead. You will never be sorry that you did.

Every small deed matters. It may seem insignificant at the time but it all comes together and puts you in a place where you are most meant to be.

"Do not take lightly small good deeds, believing they can hardly help.  For drops of water, one by one, in time can fill a giant pot." ~ Patrul Rinpoche

In loving memory of my uncle, who lived a good, long, full life. Surrounded by his family who held his hand, held him up and followed his lead ... who were all with him when he took his last breath yesterday afternoon. It has been an honor and a blessing to know you. I will never forget ...

High School Reunion - The "Ah-ha" Moment

The evening was filled with little things that would come together and become bigger things as the evening progressed.

Before the little things started to accumulate, there were many tedious moments. The moments that don't matter. Small talk. I don't do small talk well. I can't talk about things-that-don't-matter for hours on end.

The boys lined up along one wall. They chatted amongst themselves. It felt like the popular crowd were mixing and I was back where I was back in 1975. The wallflower. The girl that no one noticed. The girl that wanted to melt into the background and become nothing more than an 'extra' in the movie reel called My High School Years.

One girl walked up to me and lifted up my name tag and read my name. "Nope, I don't know you", and she walked on without a backwards glance. It was so rude (and so typical of the reaction that I truly expected) that I laughed to myself. It's going to be a long night...

Others approached me and told me a small piece of their story. They were the girls that 'didn't graduate' with the class. They had graduated out of high school and into Real Life early when they had their first child as the rest of the class waited out their Grade 12 year and graduated with a Grade 12 Diploma instead. I belonged to graduation-into-real-life-early  club.

I was such a forgettable presence throughout my high school years. I was so forgettable that I don't even remember being there myself. The only proof that I attended high school is my report cards and my face in the yearbook at the end of the year. I didn't expect anyone to remember me because I had no memory of anyone from those years either.

The evening progressed and I became a small bit more courageous than the meek and mild 15 year old that walked through the door during the cocktail hour. I recognized some faces from the popular crowd but they were busy among themselves reminiscing and remembering and doing that-which-people-do at a reunion. They were catching up.

How do you catch up with a person that you never knew in the first place? Why did I ever think that this would be any different than walking through the hallway of my high school? Why did I put myself in this position all over again? What was I thinking?!?

I was thinking that there was a reason that I felt so strongly that I attend this event. The moment would unveil itself to me in its own time. I just knew it. Or so I thought.

The evening progressed at its own pace. From cocktails ... to supper ... to dancing ... picture taking ...

I talked with a few people I knew from my junior high years. They remembered my name. They knew who I was. I remembered how they made me feel when I was at my shiest and at my ugliest. Some had said kind things. I told them that their kindness was never forgotten.

Then one of the 'popular girls' recognized me and quickly grabbed a chair to sit down and stay a while. We were never friends but we knew each other. My teenage-self sat in the sidelines and admired those who appeared to have it all, know how to have fun with life and make friends easily. This girl was very popular but she was also very nice. She was always very kind to me. I remembered this and I told her.

She gushed. Suddenly she was fifteen again too. I confessed my innermost teenage insecurities to her. I was ugly, unpopular and painfully shy. I told her how I saw her - pretty, confident and popular. She looked at me with astonishment and said, "Really?!?? I always felt fat ..."

Oh. My. Gosh. The prettiest, nicest, most popular girl had self esteem issues while I thought that she had it all?? 

We peeled back the layers of who we were and how we saw each other and the conversation progressed into our real life, current day fears. It turns out that they are very parallel. Even after all these years!

She never married. I married once (a very long time ago). She is six months into a brand new relationship. She looked like a teenager as she expressed her unexpected delight at finding this relationship when she least expected it in her life. She asked me if I was dating anyone right now. I said, "Oh, no!!" She asked why. I said that I think that I am just a little bit terrified of the mere idea of getting to know someone new. She confessed that she had exactly the same fears and we exchanged private confidences that I never speak aloud. 

It was the "Ah-ha" moment that I knew I was waiting for. The confession of all that lies beneath the surface between two people that (at a glance) would appear to be polar opposite. She exudes confidence and invites interaction from the opposite sex into her world. I feel unnoticeable and like I walk around real life with my walls up and invite no male to cross that line. Real or imagined. We wear the same fear entirely differently.

There is a lesson to be learned from this one short encounter. Never assume to know how another human being is feeling underneath all of the protective layers that they place in their lives. 

I believe that we have our own personal demons we carry within us. Fear, insecurity, anxiety, hope, despair and self-confidence issues. Just as we all choose to dress ourselves with our own personal style and flair (or lack of it), that is just one coat of armor to penetrate before you know the real person that lies beneath.

If I didn't know this girl, I may sit back and make assumptions about who she was by the exterior that she portrays to the world. Did some part of me subconsciously feel some of those insecurities within this very popular, self-assured looking girl all along? I never made assumptions. Not then, nor 35 years later when this exact replica of her teenage self wove her way throughout the evening before we sat down and talked. 

She walked away and resumed her life as she knew it. But our conversation changed me. It reinforced what I knew all along. We are all so very much the same when we let down our guard and admit our innermost thoughts and fears. What is on the outside does not matter. It is what is on the inside that really counts. We are vulnerable when we reveal our true selves. 

I feel for the people who don't trust the world enough to open up and let others know who they are. Hidden truths are a force field that instil detachment and relationships that don't go beneath the surface. It must be one of the loneliest places in the world.

I walked out of the doors at the end of the evening with one lesson in my mind. A lesson my mom has tried to instil in us our whole lives. It was the mantra that I wanted to be going through my mind as I walked through those very same doors at the beginning of the evening. But I completely and totally forgot what I wanted to feel the moment those teenage insecurities swept in and overtook me. 

My wise mom once told me, "As good as you are and as bad as I am, I am as good as you are as bad as I am."

These are good words to live by. 

High School Reunion - Overcoming Fear

Why in the world did I think this was a good idea?

I sat there. Alone. Everyone was mingling, visiting, laughing and catching up with old friends. I didn't know anyone well enough to know who they used to be. I was back in Grade 10 again.

I have few memories from my high school years so I knew that no one at my high school reunion would remember me. My wish was that I would run into one old friend from my junior high years. That wish was not to be granted.

I was the painfully shy, ugly girl all over again. The only thing that was different is that I didn't run home with my tail between my legs and vow to never, ever, ever put myself out there like that again.

I was driven to attend this event. Something bigger than myself had the courage to RSVP and say "Yes" to something that was a little bit terrifying to the fifteen year old girl that still lives deep inside of me. There was a reason that I went. So I did my first brave thing. I stayed.

It took over three hours to work up the courage to get up from the table and get myself a glass of wine. I would prefer to drink nothing at all, than to get up and get a drink by myself. I've lived a life where people around me do those little things for me. I am a little bit sheltered that way. So I did my second brave thing. I got myself a drink.

I had taken only a few sips of wine on a full stomach and the majority of those sitting at our table got up to dance to the sound track of our high school years. I moved. The music seeped inside of my bones and took over. I danced like no one was watching. I simply felt the music and danced. I danced like I have never danced before (well there was one prior alcohol-induced dance incident in 1988...).

This dancing was 'me'. It was not the alcohol. Minutes prior to this, I was the painfully shy, ugly girl. Now I was the less shy, less ugly me that danced.

I love what music does to me. It recreates me from the inside, out. I feel more of the music and less of the ugly. Music gives me courage. The courageous me started to emerge. The part of me that has always been there broke out of the paralysis that had overtaken the fifteen year old me. And I danced.

I overcame a great hurdle at our school reunion. I still didn't know anyone but I revealed a piece of myself that was always inside of me but terrified to come out.

The evening was (finally) off to a good start...

Propelled by Fear

Even though I know better, I have allowed fear to seep into my holiday scheduling ...

My Sister invited my mom and me to her place while Mom was here for the holidays. I didn't have any qualms with the idea until (almost) -40 temperatures dominated the days in and around Christmas. Even though we have graduated to an (almost) balmy -30 degrees, I still found myself gravitating towards wanting to stay home when the temperature didn't rise substantially.

Honestly! What difference would it make if you were stranded in -20 degree weather verses -30 degrees?! Cold ... is cold. We would have been travelling on a busy, two-lane highway. I have a cell phone. I have my winter emergency kit packed. Even in the worst of circumstances (which most likely would have never occurred), all would have been okay in the end.

Would I want to risk taking my mom out in the frigid weather? Not really. Do I relish the idea of mechanical break-downs due to the cold? Not at all. Do I prefer to stay at home?? You bet I do!!!

I walked into the Christmas season very aware of the realities of life that so many people that I know are dealing with. Fragile health, loss and a general feeling of how everything is magnified during this season. Good becomes great. Bad becomes awful. It has been a melancholy season as I internalized (what I guessed) were the feelings of those that touch my world.

Then my mom's sister was hospitalized the morning of Christmas Eve. Once again I put myself in the shoes of her family and was ever-mindful of the precarious balance that makes our bodies work as we expect. Everything is connected. When the health of one organ is compromised, it affects the entire body. The concept of how"... the toe bone is connected to the foot bone, and the foot bone is connected to the ankle bone ..." rang through my head. When this starts affecting the major organs of a person's body, it reminds a person of the fragile state anyone could be in, if any one of those organs stopped doing its job effectively. If the health professionals can't hone in on the cause of the symptoms, it instills a sense of fearfulness ...

To live fully is to take hold of the reins of life and take calculated risks to make the most of the day at hand.

Do I wish that I had just let go of the fear and driven out to see my sister yesterday? Sitting here in the warmth and safety of my home and the feeling of simply wasting a day of my life yesterday, I can honestly say that I wish that I had gone ...

Have I accomplished one thing by worrying about my aunt and her family? No. Taking an active role to help those, whose lives have been thrown into a state of upheaval helps a person feel that they have done something. Worrying? It is not a productive use of one's resources. Do I know what I could have done differently? Not yet. But the answers will come ...

Living life to its fullest is a delicate balance of weighing risks against rewards. Living in fear of doing nothing verses doing something paralyzes a person into a state of immobility. It is harder to get out of that state than it is to do one small thing ...

Sometimes you just have to stare down the fears and take one small step. One step in a forward direction is better than no step at all.

Fear ... you have not got the best of me yet. You may have won a few too many rounds this past year, but your reign is coming to an end. I'm tired of what you have done to me.

Discomfort = Progress

I worked at another new school yesterday. I steeled up my courage and walked through one more new set of doors and confronted yet another new experience. Oh, how I long for routine in my days ...

I had a hand full of small issues/questions about my new car (ie: "How do you open the hood?"). My Son would not just tell me the answers. He insisted that he show me and that I learn with my own eyes and hands. I would have rather stayed in the house where it was warm.

I went to see my nephew perform at a bar last night. I left the house ... alone. I met up with some cousins and watched the show along with them. Then I walked back to my car ... alone. I stepped far out of my comfort zone.

We watched 13 comedians stand up in front of their audience and vie for the cash prize. At the end of the evening, we walked past a table where a lot of them were sitting together. I listened to the encouragement among those that weren't among the 'Top Five'. Life experience does not come without a little pain and humiliation.

Learning curves.

Whether we are learning something in the privacy of our own home ... or out in the big, scary world of a new job ... or in front of a sold out crowd. There is a curve that we all must endure.

It is not comfortable to put yourself out on display and find out through trial and error, what works and what doesn't. What is worth having, doesn't come easy. Success doesn't come without failure.

We watched seasoned performers last night. Others were working their way up. The contrast between experience and inexperience was vast. The courage that it took each one of them to get up in front of an audience and sell themselves was enormous.

It takes courage to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, take what you have learned and keep pressing forward. I couldn't do what they do.

I stepped out of my comfort zone yesterday. At work and at play. I had to pay a small price to get where I wanted out of the day.

I was spent. Yesterday took a lot of energy. Now it is time to summon up the energy to do it all over again.

I need to step out of my comfort zone, to get where I want to go.

Ten Impossible Things Before Lunch

If I am confronted with something that is hard for me to do, I must do it in the morning.

It's amazing how wonderful it feels to face those Impossible Things. I think that must be where super heroes get their strength.

A small amount of invincibility creeps into one's being when you cross off the tough things-to-do early in your day. It clears the slate for an easy afternoon when the tough jobs are behind you or the biggest challenges have been confronted.

Yesterday morning, I sat here and wrote a wish list of how I hoped my day would unfold. The day went nothing like I had planned.

But that early morning to-do-list prevailed throughout the day. It took until 9:30 last night to do what I had set out to do ... but (eventually) I did it. Plus I worked. So I actually got paid for my day. Bonus!

This morning, I have a new list.

I have crossed off one item and must face a few more Impossible Things before lunch. Hopefully, this afternoon will be clear sailing and I will return from a 'day at the office' revitalized and raring to make the most of what remains of the day.

This day is not without its share of challenges. It is up to me, to stare them in the eye and confront them. And I will ... before lunch.

Today will be a most excellent day because I will have faced up to my (perhaps it is only three) Impossible Things before lunch.

My Life is a "Field of Dreams"

"If you build it ... they will come" was the haunting theme that resonated throughout the movie and years afterwards (within me) after I saw the movie "Field of Dreams".

I have had a consistent sense of that "If you (do) it ... they will come" throughout the 21 years since I watched that movie.

One early experience I have of ".... they will come" was when I cooked a good meal, including dessert (I despise cooking) for absolutely no reason. And I had company drop by unexpectedly. That never, ever happens in my world. I smiled to myself and later commented, "If I cook it ... they will come".

I have lived a life fulfilling my dreams in big and small ways ever since.

"If I open it (a daycare) ... they will come"

"If I write it (a book, a blog) ... they will read it"

"If I ask (invitations to family and friends) ... they will come"

"If I believe it (working from home) ... it will (eventually) succeed"

"If I am living my life to the fullest ... people will join me on my adventure"

Last night, in my excited and coffee induced state I was euphoric. I was rambling on and on to my Second Son about "If I book it (my Alaskan Cruise) ... they will come" (in the three days since I booked my cruise, I have had three people tell me they will be Back Up Plan # 1 or #2 ... and last night a friend actually committed to joining me)... and "If I teach it (I have enrolled in a Zumba instructor course) ... they will learn" and (drum roll, please) ... "If I build (fix or find) it ... they will come!!" - my ultimate goal of running a Bed & Breakfast.

I am learning that if you live your life with intention - if you say you are going to do something, believe that you can do whatever you set your sights on, steer your life in a direction where you can pursue your dreams ... anything is possible.

Sometimes all it takes is for one person to take a step and commit to a dream ... and you find many others will come into your life and walk with you through your own personal Field of Dreams.

Courage

A quote from the article "66 Ways to Build Courage", by Christine Kane:

"Because there’s a deeper level of courage. It makes you stronger with each move you make. It makes you fall in love with yourself. It makes you fall in love with your life. That’s because, at its core, courage is about strengthening your relationship with yourself."

There has been something resonating with me since I read that paragraph. "Falling in love with your life." That is exactly what I have been falling into during this most recent leg of my journey.

I have been giddy and euphoric for no outward reason. My heart is soaring with excitement and happiness. I stand taller, I feel more confident. Yes. I feel like I'm falling in love!! With myself?? So odd to think of it that way, but it fits.

My self esteem had been taking a gradual decline over the past many years and around this time last year it was sinking to its lowest. The lowest of lows. And the scariest part of it, was that it got worse before it got better. I look back to those days and I am forever grateful that I was able to crawl out of the abyss.

This article lists 66 ways to build your courage and starting a blog was one of them. This blog has been an idea festering in my mind for a good year. I have always have had more words in me than ears to listen, and the concept of journalling intrigued me. The idea of putting myself out into cyberspace made me stop and think on it (for about a year). But now that I'm "here", I'm in love!!

There were so many things that got me from 'there' to 'here'. Getting out of a relationship that was toxic to me was probably what saved me, although it certainly didn't feel like it at the time.

When I had hit the bottom of the pit, I knew that I had to do something. I had to act. I had to take one step forward. I sent out an ''SOS'' email to a group of friends. We originally tagged ourself with the name "The Optimist Group". I don't know if they really knew how desperate I was when I put myself out there on a limb and asked for a friend. But they came through like a team of princes (or princesses) on their white stallions and saved me from myself.

All it really took to start the tide of change was to know that I wasn't alone. What was a miracle, was the way in each individual held a small piece of the puzzle. Words I needed to hear and absorb to start back to the land of the "living". As little as one small statement, to start the process of turning my thoughts around.

I cannot say this enough!!! Surround yourself with people who make you feel good! People who make you laugh, make you think, that you care about and that care about you. I often said that my exhusband mirrored he last person that he talked to. ''If only'' (I lived in the world of ''ifs'' a lot back then), he could only be around good people, he could have been great.

Those thoughts are about 25 years old or more I can't believe that I had that tidbit of knowing way back then.

What do the people in your life reflect back to you?

P.S. If anyone is interested in this article on courage, please let me know and I'll pass it along. As with a good movie, some things are meant to be shared!