Propelled by Fear

Even though I know better, I have allowed fear to seep into my holiday scheduling ...

My Sister invited my mom and me to her place while Mom was here for the holidays. I didn't have any qualms with the idea until (almost) -40 temperatures dominated the days in and around Christmas. Even though we have graduated to an (almost) balmy -30 degrees, I still found myself gravitating towards wanting to stay home when the temperature didn't rise substantially.

Honestly! What difference would it make if you were stranded in -20 degree weather verses -30 degrees?! Cold ... is cold. We would have been travelling on a busy, two-lane highway. I have a cell phone. I have my winter emergency kit packed. Even in the worst of circumstances (which most likely would have never occurred), all would have been okay in the end.

Would I want to risk taking my mom out in the frigid weather? Not really. Do I relish the idea of mechanical break-downs due to the cold? Not at all. Do I prefer to stay at home?? You bet I do!!!

I walked into the Christmas season very aware of the realities of life that so many people that I know are dealing with. Fragile health, loss and a general feeling of how everything is magnified during this season. Good becomes great. Bad becomes awful. It has been a melancholy season as I internalized (what I guessed) were the feelings of those that touch my world.

Then my mom's sister was hospitalized the morning of Christmas Eve. Once again I put myself in the shoes of her family and was ever-mindful of the precarious balance that makes our bodies work as we expect. Everything is connected. When the health of one organ is compromised, it affects the entire body. The concept of how"... the toe bone is connected to the foot bone, and the foot bone is connected to the ankle bone ..." rang through my head. When this starts affecting the major organs of a person's body, it reminds a person of the fragile state anyone could be in, if any one of those organs stopped doing its job effectively. If the health professionals can't hone in on the cause of the symptoms, it instills a sense of fearfulness ...

To live fully is to take hold of the reins of life and take calculated risks to make the most of the day at hand.

Do I wish that I had just let go of the fear and driven out to see my sister yesterday? Sitting here in the warmth and safety of my home and the feeling of simply wasting a day of my life yesterday, I can honestly say that I wish that I had gone ...

Have I accomplished one thing by worrying about my aunt and her family? No. Taking an active role to help those, whose lives have been thrown into a state of upheaval helps a person feel that they have done something. Worrying? It is not a productive use of one's resources. Do I know what I could have done differently? Not yet. But the answers will come ...

Living life to its fullest is a delicate balance of weighing risks against rewards. Living in fear of doing nothing verses doing something paralyzes a person into a state of immobility. It is harder to get out of that state than it is to do one small thing ...

Sometimes you just have to stare down the fears and take one small step. One step in a forward direction is better than no step at all.

Fear ... you have not got the best of me yet. You may have won a few too many rounds this past year, but your reign is coming to an end. I'm tired of what you have done to me.