A Spark

"This" may be it. I read one sentence this morning that changed the flow of my thoughts, rerouted what I thought I may do with the quiet of my morning and my fingers may or may not have typed the words that have the possibility of leading me where I most want to go next.

The sentence I read came from Glennon Doyle Melton's Facebook page, as she was commenting on the "live streaming" of her interview with Oprah. She shouted out loud, "SISTER OPRAH IS STREAMING OUR SUPER SOUL SUNDAY EPISODE RIGHT NOW! ... I am going over there to watch and comment with you. Join Us!" 

One of my fellow Canadians made this comment: "Happy Sunday, Glennon! So much love. Are you ever gonna come to Canada...?" 

AND ... this was Glennon's response: "YES! Mostly to see you!!!!" (and she tagged the person who made the original comment).

The millisecond I read this, I knew it with every fibre of my being. I will be there. The moment I read of this event, I will reserve two tickets. I am going. I don't care when, where or how much it costs. All of my hard earned profits from my sales of daycare goods will have a purpose. I will see Glennon. Live. In person.

This spurred me into going back to complete the final lesson in the "Wisdom of Story" on-line class with Brené and Glennon. The questions they asked at the end of that lesson were too hard, too big and too complicated for my weary brain to answer at the time. My body, mind and spirit have had a chance to rest and recharge. So I went back to answer the questions this morning:

WHAT BREAKS YOUR HEART?

WHAT IS AN EXISTING COMMUNITY STRUGGLE OR A GLOBAL STORY THAT YOU WANT TO INFLUENCE AND WRITE YOURSELF INTO?

HOW DO YOU WRITE YOURSELF INTO THIS STORY?

I wrote my answers. Then I took one step. One baby step. 

The moment my fingers typed the answers my head didn't know, I knew my heart to fingertip connection was powered up and running again.

The moment I typed the words, it was as if the clouds parted and the sun shone down directly upon me and beamed, "Yes, this is the way..."

I am three weeks away from clearing the time, space and resources to follow this lead. "Something bigger than me" is in control of the emotions, the drive and the pull I feel when I typed the answers to these questions. Could this be "the knowing" I have been impatiently waiting for?

Maybe.

In December, 1987 I KNEW in my heart that I wanted to create a "safe haven" for people in trouble when "the time was right". I never forgot that "knowing". I never did anything about it. But I never forgot. It was a life changing time for me and a safe haven gave me the resting spot, the quiet, the sanctuary and resources to help me through, over and past a time of great change. I have wanted to pay that favor forward ever since.

In June, 2005 I KNEW I wanted to "run an inn" or Bed & Breakfast or a quiet little home away from home - "a sanctuary" one day. One day when I retired ...

Fast forward and through many of the stops I made along the way and I found myself knee deep in despair in August, 2016 when I KNEW I had to quit running my daycare.

I have had no idea where I was going to go next. I knew I didn't have all my ducks lined up neatly in a row. The only thing I knew for sure is that I had to clear out the clutter in my life, home, heart and soul to "make room for change". I had and have no idea for certain what that "change" is ultimately going to be. 

I do know that I don't feel that all of this "clearing the way" is simply to get a new job. At least I hope not. Maybe in the end, that will be all that comes of this. Oh, how I hope that is not so. 

I DO know that I will take one step in a forward direction. One baby step. And see if it leads to the next. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. If nothing comes of my efforts I will understand. It will be an answer: "Not now." "Not this way." "Not until you've learned more lessons."

One thing I DO know for sure is that "now" is the time to investigate, to try, to stick my neck out and take a risk. Maybe nothing will change on the outside, but oh how I hope something changes deep inside of my soul.

A spark has been ignited. I WILL go see Glennon when she comes to our neighborhood. I need to keep fanning the flame. Because something about this feels very, very right. I feel my "Field of Dreams" calling out to me again. If you build/create/fight for it ... they will come.

Happy Day to you!! May you feel a spark within your heart today. Take one brave step in a forward direction and see where it may lead. Come with me for the ride. It's going to be a good one. 

Best. Weekend. Ever!

"Balance" is everything when it comes to my happy factor. Filling myself up with a little work, play, soul fulfilling and family time during a weekend (or any given day) and life is pretty much perfect. And such was this past long weekend.

I had one good, productive day of bookkeeping. It filled the day, I picked up supper, came home and crashed on the couch. But it was good. My work there was done. I would wake up to two more days off to follow. Oh, what one can do with TWO days!

I started each weekend day filling up on all things Brené and Glennon. Brené Brown and Glennon Doyle Melton, unbeknownst to them, are two of my soul sisters. In my mind we are the best of friends. I love hanging out with them and lucky for me, they have teamed up and created an on-line course "The Wisdom of Story" on CourageWorks.com. It's great. I could listen to them all day. But I settled for an hour or so. I filled up my soul and carried on.

Sunday morning, I had coffee with a friend who lives five hours away. She was nestled up inside her world, I was snug and cozy in mine. We picked up the phone and chatted like the good friends we are. An hour and a half with the first sister I adopted of my own. We were "related" by marriage. The marriage didn't last but our sister-in-law relationship has transcended time, distance and several life transitions. I thoroughly enjoyed our coffee date.

Then came the work.

I spent the remainder of Sunday culling, sorting, photographing and marketing the excessive daycare wares within our home. I can't believe how long it is taking to get down to what I call a "bare minimum" which is still more than any one child could ever need in a home or daycare environment. I thought this past weekend would be it. I was pulling out the "dregs" of what I have left to sell. I was convinced I could put it all up for auction. I have 27 children's items up for sale this week. Since I was "clearing out" my children's merchandise, I started adding some items to another household auction. I put 11 more items up for sale there. Total bids as of 8:45 last night were $215.00. The auction ends tonight and judging by the activity on these auctions, I suspect there will be a last minute flurry of activity and my final sales will jump from last night's total. It is a time consuming little task but I have achieved my goal of selling $1000.00 worth of belongings within 6 weeks instead of my forecast of  15 to 16 weeks to reach that total.

It was another good day's work. In fact I seem to be making a game out of this purging and selling habit I've developed. I'm thinking maybe my next career could be hiring myself out to help people purge their excess, with a clause within the contract stating I could sell whatever I found marketable for my own profit. Food for thought ...

Then I woke up to Thanksgiving Day morning. My work here was done. I could put my feet up and relax. Which I did. All morning. All I had to do was tidy the house for company, run out and buy food to serve for supper, then throw it all together, call it a meal and enjoy my company for the evening.

Well! The thing about clearing out the excess is the energy and motivation that follows. I stepped out of my cozy little oasis and did "one small thing". I believe that thing was to open up the closet doors within the laundry room to see what progress I was making there, when I realized I should clean the air exchanger. Then change the furnace filter. Why not dust, sweep and vacuum the laundry room (please note, I have not YET used the term "clean") while I was right there?

Low and behold, I found one of the missing cat toys behind the deep freeze which sent me on a mission. I ran upstairs, pulled out the oven and found no more cat toys but I did find enough cat hair to warrant literally vacuuming my way out of the laundry room, up the stairs and in behind the oven. I don't even know if I had moved the oven back against the wall when I decided I may as well pull out the fridge too. I don't want to admit how long it has been since I've done that. I've thought long and hard about it a few times over the course of the past few years but actions did not follow (in my defence, I have invested in a yard stick for the purpose of retrieving lost cat toys from under the stove and fridge and it does a very decent job at clearing out the cat hair while I'm at it).

This was crazy. My supper guests were going to be arriving in two hours and I was still in my pajamas, hadn't bought groceries nor had a shower. I felt like Mr. Incredible as he races off to save the world a few or three times while he is trying to make it to the church in time to get married. "I still have time" he says in his deep, super hero voice as he catches a few more criminals and saves a cat that was stuck in a tree along his way.

And I still hadn't scoured the bathroom or shone up the kitchen. Yikes! I was losing the battle.

I was still peeling the last of the potatoes when my company arrived. Thankfully 90% of my meal was pre-cooked or came our of a box, bag or baked goods container. All I basically had to do was just add water" (or not), heat and stir.

Voila!! We sat down to a meal well cooked (thank you Co-op deli department!) and our small, cozy family Thanksgiving supper.

I was some kind of exhilarated after such a perfectly balanced weekend of work, play, friendship and family. I sat down at the tail end of a fulfilling weekend and just exhaled. It was good. It was so good.

And the good just keeps getting better! After my guests left, I found a text message from my cousin from Ontario. She obviously must have intended to send this message to someone else, but I replied with great enthusiasm and excitement when answering her question "Will you be home tomorrow morning? I just have to drop my husband off at the airport and I'll stop by for coffee..." Hilarious, I thought. Her husband is a pilot and works out of Toronto. She obviously thought she was texting my uncle. I replied that "Of COURSE I would be home and love to have coffee!", and laughed as I added "You do know you are texting 'Colleen, in Saskatoon', do you?" And she replied that YES! She did mean to text me and that her husband was heading home from their visit to see her parents and she was staying a little longer.

Well, knock me over with a feather! I have company coming this morning!! And with my daycare crowd of "one", we should be able to work in a very good visit. AND (and this is the best part), I added "Stay for lunch! I have chicken on a bun and pumpkin pie!" I never have ready-made offerings of food to offer. Never!

If you make it, they will come ...

And they did.

Christmas

I'm waking up in the darkness these days, turning on different lights as I walk through my morning routines. This morning thoughts of Christmas and the white light which surrounds Christmas enveloped me.

I thought of two things: "light" and "noise". I am craving calming light and a soothing soundtrack right now.

The very first (and perhaps only) constructive thing I did during my summer holiday was to change the ring tones on my cell phone. I wanted sounds that were calm and soothing to my ear. The factory preset sounds were those of loud, annoying urgency. I softened the tones and felt calmer.

This morning, I noticed how peace enveloped me when lights were turned on in rooms adjacent to where I was existing. Muted lighting was soothing. I felt calmer.

Artificial light and sound feel too harsh for me right now. Sunlight, moonlight, starlight, lights in a distance are just fine. I find the lights within the kitchen too harsh, so I turn on the light above the stove or the light in the entrance ways instead. I am amazed at how much that soothes my ragged soul.

Last night, I got a text from one of my parents who found a new daycare. I was terrified to read it. I have lived this week #1 of Quiet Daycare Existence in fear that the new daycares my charges have found have not worked out and I will get an unexpected "SOS" from one of my families begging me to take their children back until they find a "better fit". I should not have been surprised to find out that I was the one who was the bad fit for these children. The mom who wrote me last night told me their children are doing great at the new daycare so far. "It's a great fit." Which makes me fearful I am not the best person for the job of tending the last daycare child left standing (which I confessed to this parent first thing this morning and she assured me they were content with the daycare arrangements as they stand).

As it is with "Christmas", the white lights and the sense of giving ... on the flip side of finding the perfect gift for one person, you fear that the other gifts you give may pale in comparison.

Also, as it is with "Christmas" I seem to be torn in what direction I need to turn first in the gift of this time of newfound quietness. There is so much I want to fit into this season of my life. I must first learn to trust it will last as long as it needs to last.

I have found the time and space to bring "Glennon" and "Brené" back into my world. I read Glennon Doyle Melton's memoir "Love Warrior" in a day. A day! Unheard of, for me (the one with the attention span of a gnat). The next morning, I went back to the online course "The Wisdom of Story" (with Glennon and Brené Brown) I had all but forgotten. Their words were meant to come to me right now. I feel a healing balm soothing my ragged soul.

My first week of living a quieter life hasn't been what I expected. I'm not sure exactly what I expected but it wasn't "this". It wasn't the week I just lived. I've coasted. I haven't worked, I haven't accomplished anything, I haven't found the quietness yet. But Glennon and Brené are showing me a path. A path only I can choose to take. One path that may or may not take me to exactly where I need to be.

"This" is not where I expected to be at this junction of my life. I thought I would have figured things out by now. But I'm still searching, still seeking, still craving. Something. I'm not sure what it is but when I find out, it will be a gift.

Merry Christmas. As if I needed to be reminded of the season I am headed towards, Mother Nature sped things along for us here. This is our new world at the moment. I wasn't quite ready for it but it came anyway. Life is a little bit like that.

What Brutiful Moment Am I In?

Brutiful, as defined by Glennon Doyle Melton - "adj.: Life is brutal. And life is beautiful. Brutiful, I call it. Life’s brutal and beautiful are woven together so tightly they are inseparable. We must embrace both or neither. If we reject the brutal, we reject the beautiful. Our problems stem from our refusal to surrender to the fact that life is truly more brutal and beautiful than we can imagine. We must let it be. Breathe deeply and know that if we let it come and feel it all – the brutal will make us kinder, softer, stronger, even more beautiful."

Glennon and Brené Brown have teamed up and invited the world to join them. I simply sat back and listened/watched the videos they prepared for Lesson 1 in their collaborative course on "The Wisdom of Storytelling". There is much food for thought in those minutes of conversation between two of my friends who do not yet know me.

One statement resonated with me after I walked away. "Every eviction becomes an invitation". An "eviction" can be defined in a myriad of ways. A broken relationship, a death, the end of a job, a child moving up/growing up/moving on. Anything that defines a part of your life that can be taken away can serve as an eviction.

I thought of the precipice I am presently standing on and suddenly felt a wave of relief. Life is scary for me in the moment I'm in because I've been served "eviction notice" in several areas of my life. Nothing has changed yet but it could in a New York Minute.

My job is changing. My youngest son is an adult. I am concerned about Mom living on her own. I woke up one morning during my holiday knowing I could take all of this and use it as a launching point to make some big changes within my world. I could pack everything up and start over if it was necessary right now. The world had other plans but internally, I have changed.

Nothing has changed except for the fact that I will reroute my income earning abilities by the end of the year. This one change could become the catalyst of many things. It opens doors and gives me some freedom of choice. But as of the moment, all remains the same. Except what is going on inside of me.

Change is in the air and it has transformed me from the inside, out. I feel different. I feel better. I feel more capable. I feel more powerful than I've felt in a very long time.

There is a reason nothing has changed outwardly. I am where I need to be. I still have work to do within my home and family. I need to continue on in the role I am in right now for a while longer. I need to trust this moment.

But as it was when I was ready to make a sudden move almost 29 years ago, I am just as ready to move back right now. I was waiting for an "invitation", a green light, the right time and place 29 years ago. So I was ready to jump when the window of opportunity opened. I feel like I am back in the same place right now.

"Not yet" is the message I am feeling, living and receiving at the moment. Not yet ... But I am streamlining my world so I'm ready to go when the time is right. It is just not now.

This was my Sunday morning message from "Project Happines" yesterday morning:

Project Happiness http://www.projecthappiness.org/

#SoulSunday Challenge: Try this radical trust today - As the events of your day unfold, honor each with the acknowledgement, "Right on time." This dissolves resistance to what-is, and if you practice it enough, don't be surprised if someday soon you look around and notice the events of your life lining up in your favor...right on time. 

The world knows. Don't rush the moment. Trust in the moment you are in.

Monday's Musings

Instead of sitting here one more day, waiting for deep thoughts, perspective and inspiration to hit me like a ton of bricks, I am simply going to sit still and type for a while. I'm going to "show up before I'm ready", as per Glennon Melton Doyle's advise.

I have been "sitting still" and reading, watching and listening to Glennon this morning. I wish she was aware of what good friends we have become but somehow I think I'm lost in the masses who adore and admire her. I look to her for inspiration and perspective. I think we could sit down and be friends (as I'm certain anyone who absorbs what she writes feels). I am not alone when I sit still with Glennon. She fills me up when I am empty. She makes me feel perfect within my imperfections. She makes me appreciate the blessing it is to be "human" and all it entails. She makes me think and strive to do "the next right thing"...

Yes, Glennon "makes" me do a lot, doesn't she? She is one of those friends you know bring out the best and finest within you. If you simply follow one of her strategies or incorporate one of her many "Glennonisms" into your inner dialogue, you will start to become more of who you are meant to be.

I am one week away from the beginning of a new online course hosted by Glennon and her friend "Brené Brown". Yes! "The Wisdom of Story" is Brené's newest online course, with the suggested reading "Love Warrior" (Glennon Doyle Melton's new book which is being released tomorrow). Add this great news to the fact that Glennon will be Oprah's guest on "Super Soul Sunday" on OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) on September 11th and you can only imagine my elation to be so saturated with all things "Glennon", with a side order of Brené and Oprah!

Yes, I am hyped. Yes, I am ready. Yes, I need another infusion of positivity, enthusiasm and a shot of inspiration to propel me forward and through this phase of life I seem to be finding uncomfortable and hard to push through.

I have squandered an entire long weekend. I knew I should have done the "hard things" first. But I didn't. I turned on the TV instead. I got lost in my Gilmore Girl marathon and when I tired of that, I tuned into the Home and Garden Network to lose myself in the idea of rebuilding, renovating and making the most of the home I already have. And I did nothing.

I try to tell myself that I needed this long weekend to do whatever I felt like doing. This has been my version of rest and relaxation. But deep inside, I know that what I chose to fill myself up with was akin to drugs, alcohol, food and overspending. I was filling a void within by watching mindless TV, when what I needed to be doing was starting small and dealing with the mountains of "undone" tasks in and around our home. I needed to simply do the "next right thing" even if that right thing is not going to change the world.

I am committed to 16 full weeks of daycare before I hang up my daycare cape. Sixteen weeks to cull through the excess and downsize. Sixteen weeks to reimagine our home without a daycare within. Sixteen weeks to reroute my thoughts, my future and my finances. Sixteen weeks to dream of a new future with me driving my own "train". Glennon tells me I should not lose myself in my roles within my life, but instead I am to envision I am a train and I unload and take on new cargo as I go along. Glennon defines herself as a "Child of God". I am unsure how I define myself. Perhaps that is why my train feels like it is simply going in circles. My cargo is getting to be too heavy because I keep adding to my load without off-loading anything along the way.

My new vision is an empty downstairs play room. What will replace that void? My new vision leaves me three empty bedrooms upstairs. Is this why I keep falling back on the idea of renting out some of the space within this house of ours? My new vision has some blank spaces that may or may not need to be filled. Since I was seriously considering taking a year's "leave of absence" from the world of work so I could find myself, my passion and my drive again, is it possible for me to reduce my work week so I can have the best of both worlds? My new vision includes a more contented self. Will a week of not being driven by the needs of one to three year olds increase my attention span? Or will I need to disconnect from my cell phone, Internet and all social media to succeed at that?

My new vision of my life includes incorporating habits I can start doing immediately. Turning off the computer, walking away from my cell phone, turning off the TV, walking, reaching out to people more often and carving out time to write. These are a few of my must-do items in order to feel and live life more genuinely.

Maybe that is a little harsh. I may not be able to successfully disconnect from the world but I could definitely work within some guidelines. Reducing my screen time (including that time which I spend in front of the television screen) will enhance my life greatly. I was a better daycare provider, friend, writer, mover and shaker when the Internet, TV and cell phone weren't always on and buzzing in my face and in the background of my days.

I think I know where I must start. But I don't have the strength to rid myself of the TV in my bedroom oasis right now. But I could start in the playroom. It is filled with items which others may need and use more than I. It is a very good place to start.

But in the meantime, if you haven't banished yourself from "screen time", may I direct you towards some places which I have found inspiration, ambition and a little bit of courage?

Click here to read about the story of Glennon meeting her new warrior friend and her upcoming appearance on "Super Soul Sunday".

Click here to learn a little bit about the upcoming course "The Wisdom of Story" with Glennon and Brené.

Click here to find out if Glennon's new book "Love Warrior" is something you would like to read

But if you simply want to sit back and be entertained and inspired, here is one of Glennon's first videos I ever watched. Her TEDx talk:

May your day be inspired and filled with exactly what you need right now. "Happy Monday" to you.

Transition Without Drama

There is a sense of discomfort in my world right now and I think I finally put my finger on it. My world is undergoing a state of transition. Since the first time since I can remember, this is the first time a significant change transpired without a little drama unfolding at the same time. Instead of feeling like my world has turned upside down and it's up to me to survive and thrive, this feels like a rather low grade pain without a name.

I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com:
http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6557185-transition-without-drama/

An Easy "Yes"

As I tossed and turned through the night, an invitation to go to a house concert in a few days rumbled through my mind. "I should say yes, it would be good", followed by "I don't feel like being social. I don't want to think about bringing food". I grew more tired as I slept, thinking of how hard it would be to go out and be around other people.

My "Year of Yes" is starting to wear thin. Yes, I can do hard things. But sometimes the "yes" has to be directed inward. I need to say "yes" to me too.

I was leaning towards a compromise. "How about we skip the concert and just get together for a visit?" sounded attainable. A one-on-one visit I could do. A group setting? Not so much.

Can you imagine my surprise to wake up to an alternate invitation from the same friend. "How about a movie?" My brain immediately translated that into "How about sitting in a dark room, sit back and be entertained and not have to say a word for 90 minutes?" I'm in. I'm all in!

I've been threatening my daycare family with the idea of a movie day. A day where we do absolutely nothing but watch movies and eat popcorn. All. Day. Long. My little three year old friend was all over that idea. "Sometimes me and my dad watch movies and eat popcorn!" I could have easily convinced her three year old buddy to join us, as long as he could sit on the couch with his blanket. The problem was with their energetic, non-stop, need to play, have fun and be stimulated younger daycare buddies.

That idea was not going to fly. So I started promising myself a movie day on Sunday. A day where I would sit back and watch whatever my heart desired. I wouldn't pinpoint a need to be fulfilled like prior Sundays. I would not specify that my entertainment be life affirming, stimulating and fill me with positive thoughts. I would simply sit back and be entertained. And eat popcorn. The end.

When my friend proposed the idea of going out to see a show, I thought a movie night was the perfect way to kick off my movie day which is scheduled to follow.

It was the easiest "Yes!" I've said all year.

Sometimes "yes" just has to be easy. Sometimes "yes" means saying yes to what you want to do and no to what you think you should be doing. Sometimes, you just have to follow the path of least resistance.

Besides, my sister told me this, "You need to satisfy your needs first and you NEED  REST. ( Brain and Body)."

As Brené Brown says, "Write yourself a permission slip" to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Apparently I haven't been very good at that but I play to use my sister's words as permission to give myself a break.

I am going to give my brain and body a rest this upcoming weekend. I hope you give yourself permission to do the same. And if you have trouble with that, I hope you have someone in your life like my sister. Someone who reminds you to be gentle with yourself and take what you NEED.

This is your permission slip to:

Do nothing

Do what you need

Do what you want

Spend time alone

Spend time with others

Be kind to yourself

The Need to be Heard

I had not yet completed my on-line course with Brené Brown when I found myself acting more courageously than I have in a very long time.

Life handed me the greatest "Living Brave" graduation gift. I don't know if it would have happened on its own or if came from a deep desire to "write my own ending" but I did it. I walked into the arena where I fought the battle that brought me to my knees and I "lost". That was almost five years ago and the scar tissue still stung every time I walked by that battleground.

I walked into that building with the intent of talking to the people who made a positive impact while I was working there. Their office was closed and the building was almost vacant because everyone was in meetings and they were basically closed for business. The only staff member I saw was working in the office that "almost did me in".

I bravely walked through that door, with the intent of asking her to pass along my thanks to the department which made a lasting impression on me and helped me know which way to turn when the events in my life headed me down a path where I needed to turn to that very department in another location.

What happened instead was a conversation about my experience working in "that office". She asked the questions. I just answered them. I was careful with my words and summarized my story in three sentences. She knew everything I wasn't saying and she validated that others have walked my path and she was walking it at that very moment. That validation, the knowing eyes and her statement that a lot of good people have left because of a situation she has been trying to fight (but not succeeding) gave me all I needed to write my new ending. I had already "written" it in my mind before I walked through that door but there was more truth to it after facing my fears, walking through that door and having that conversation.

I had taken all I could learn from this past experience and moved on. But the way I felt each and every time I walked by this place of business told me my work here was not done. Not the way my heart lurched, my breath became shallow and I could feel the angst I felt while I was employed there.

I took this lesson and wrote about it within my "Living Brave" course. I wrote a new ending, as Brené puts it. I didn't spin a tale, I just made it more about the fact that this workplace would have dragged me under and took me down if I would have stayed. And I would have stayed if that had been an option. But it wasn't. Thank goodness!

As I wrote my new ending and focused on the fact that I needed to be removed from the line of fire, I reheard the actual conversation that took place when I was asked to "resign from this position". I was told this was the best move for me. Perhaps not in the words I needed to hear but I don't think I heard anything beyond "You will not pass your probation if you stay". "I failed. I was terrible. This was unjust. I wasn't given a fair chance! I FAILED!!", was all I heard as I rewound the tape and recalled the anxiety I lived during that time.

This was almost five years ago. Five YEARS. And I hadn't completely let go of the emotion. Even though I knew better. Even though I talked my way through, out and beyond this. Even though my head knew better, my heart started beating to the beat of anxiousness each and every time I walked past this building

Then I walked back in. Someone asked me to tell them my story. They asked! My story has been told. My words have been released at the scene of the crime and no one went down.

Sometimes that is all we really need. To be heard. To be validated. We cannot always return to the the place where our lives were broken, but when we can and when we can put a voice to the wounds of our past, it is life affirming.

"Yes, that was harsh and unfair. I hear you." This conversation changed my heart. I believe the scar tissue can begin to heal now.

Living Safe

I need to get myself out of this perpetual downward spiral and I think I'm onto something.

I can do this. It is time to start a new chapter. I'm tired of living in my safety net. It's time to step back onto the high wire of life and take a chance. I don't have to start at the top. I'll work my way up there. Would you like to join me?? Click here to go to Christine Kane's "66 Ways to Build Courage" post. Print it off. Circle at least five suggestions. You can do five. I'll bet you could tackle eight! Come and join me on my adventure. I promise to write all about it and I would love to hear your stories as we make our way in this Brave New World together.

I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com (http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6505101-living-safe/)

What a Difference a Day Can Make!

Take one part inspiration and learning ("Thanks Brené Brown!"), combined with five parts income tax and numbers (I don't mind numbers once I sit down and start playing with them, I simply prefer "letters" these days), add a little nourishment for good measure (finally all the week's leftovers are gone!), take a drive with your son (it is kind of fun being in the passenger seat for a change!), add one more part of the income tax/number combo, then top it all off with a little "Brené Brown" finale (her Ted Talk on shame is hilarious and thought provoking, but watch her Ted Talk on vulnerability first. It sets the stage for what is to follow) and you have my "yesterday".

I was determined not to waste the day, so I got up at 6:00 a.m. and refused to allow myself to turn on the TV. The second thing I would not allow myself to do, was to get lost on the Internet. I could dabble with intent, but I could not get lost. That proved to be a winning combination.

I had so many time consuming items on my to-do list and I knew I needed to fill up my positivity and inspirational well. So I started with the "Living Brave" class I am taking (lead by my current new hero "Brené Brown"). I was completely overwhelmed with the fist lesson of the second half of the class. There were three chapters to read and thirty five questions to be answered, It took me forever. But I finally completed that task, posted my answer to the last question of that assignment as a blog post here, watched her Ted Talk on vulnerability and moved on.

Then came the numbers. I had so many number puzzles to solve and unravel. I went to an accountant to learn all I could learn about what I could and could not deduct and how to calculate my "Business Use of Home" percentage. This knowledge was frightening because I had not used this formula nor some of the proper deductions in the two years which have preceded this one. So of course, I wanted to go back two years and recalculate my daycare deductions to see how much of a mess I was in. Thus, the procrastination.

Long story short, I under-claimed my expenses the first year and over-claimed them the second. I under-claimed more than I over-claimed and I didn't claim all of my expenses in the year preceding the year I claimed too much. I have all of my receipts and spreadsheets and was able to reconstruct the years and work on the current year within the space of an afternoon. So I have all the information ready and waiting if it is ever questioned. This was a huge relief for me. Huge.

There is no way I could have squeezed that project into the cracks of my week. When it comes to numbers, I like to sit down without distraction or interruption and work through the puzzle from beginning to end. I had one small mystery to do with my current year's income tax but came back to that after a leisurely Sunday drive with my son and the answer was staring me in the face. Sometimes one does have to walk away and come back later.

After that, I did the "hard part" of Mom's taxes, checked and re-checked my numbers and was satisfied that I had done all I could do. Then I sat down with my good friend Brené and shared some perspective, some good laughs and words that left me thinking.

When all was said and done, I accomplished a lot. There is much left to do but a weekend of "doing" has energized me ten times more than a weekend of "doing nothing". I filled myself up with what I needed. I nourished myself with (relatively) healthy food, positive thoughts and ideas, I unravelled a few mysteries and I put the work I dread the most in the "done" pile. All I can say is "Whew!"

Now, I just have to check out this new concept I just heard last week. The whole idea of "Spring Cleaning" has been rather elusive to me the past very long while. I took on the task of decluttering and wiped and swiped my way through that. But what if I stopped worrying about the clutter and just cleaned away the dirt? Now that is an idea I think I can sink my teeth into.

If only I had another Sunday. I've said it before and I'll say it again. One day is simply not enough.

What Was Your Fall or “Face Down” in the Arena Moment?

I am working on my "Daring Greatly" course this morning and I have come to the end of this week's lesson. This was the question that was asked and my answer that follows. I still shake when I think of this "Face Down" in the arena moment.  I have been invited to put this moment down so I can explore it throughout the remainder of this course. My fingers flew over the keyboard and I wrote this without stopping. It is an issue that rises to the top of my consciousness more often than I care to admit. These "shaking in my boots" moments are important. Just thought I'd share my story today. Here it is:

WHAT WAS YOUR FALL OR “FACE DOWN” IN THE ARENA MOMENT?

The moment of my fall was being "called into the principal's office". It was the nightmare of my whole entire life to that point. It was the moment when all of the fears, insecurities and "I think they are talking about me" came true. It was my call to action moment and I wasn't prepared.

I knew it. I just knew it was coming. I could feel it in the electricity in the air all around me when I worked in that office. Never, ever in my life had I ever felt so unsupported and alone. I tried to find and make allies within those who were walking the walk with me and I thought I was succeeding. Until "the leader of the pack" walked back into the office. Then absolutely everything changed. Everything.

When I couldn't find alliances within my own surroundings, I started looking outside the "box" of that office and make positive connections within the other staff members. And there were lots! I commented on the positives, I was determined to stay optimistic, I was determined to rise above the tensions within that office.

I was working WHERE I wanted to work. I could walk to work, the hours were good, all I needed was the security of a full-time position and I was "exactly where I wanted to be" within my work-world. I just had to overcome this ONE obstacle. I would have done anything ...

Then I got called into the principal's office. My deepest sense of knowing KNEW this couldn't be good. But I wasn't expecting it when it came. "You will not pass your probation period if you stay in this office. You have a choice. You can resign from this position and go on the substitute list. Or you can stay and you WILL NOT pass your probationary period and you will lose your job here."

There was no strategy involved. There was no invitation to tell my side of the story. There was no conversation. I was given a choice. Quit or be fired.

I stumbled and told my story. I knew this was coming but I didn't. I had written down the scenarios that preceded my fall. I had been to counselling. In the end, the counsellor could not tell me anything I didn't already know about "dealing with my feelings". I needed a crash course in survival and as I was walking out her door, she said "Write everything down. Write dates, details, incidents. Write it all down and keep it with you."

I offered my "evidence" to the principal and all he said (and these words still ring in my ears today - four years and five months later), "I was hoping it would not come to this ..."

The principal! The "leader" of an entire high school that was fraught with challenging situations and students and scenarios, did NOT want to confront the issues right in his own front office. HE LET ME DOWN!

I was two months into my brand new "career" and I could go down one of three ways. I could resign from that position and fight to regain my footing within this (now) ever-changing landscape of being called to a new school (potentially) every day OR I could quit altogether OR I could fight this. How can one fight something so big and so tall and so terrifying when I was two months into a new position and had not built a reputation to make my "side of the story" a believable one? If it came down to a "she said", "she said" battle I was almost certain I would lose.

So I went on to fight another day. I worked the rest of the year trying to recover from that fatal blow that was dealt October 19, 2011. It is four years and five months later. Writing these words still makes me weak in the knees. It was the harshest blow life ever dealt to me and I still wonder if I did the right thing.

Word Quota Exceeded

There is great value to writing things down. As I scrambled to assemble enough "column worthy" articles to submit this morning, I found myself reading through the archives of my mind and I was pleasantly surprised to see that my "follow through" on goals I have set is better than I thought it was.

I knew I had to push myself out of my head and into the world more. I recognized when I started to make the transition. I had one "date" per week written down on my whiteboard. Granted, two of three of those dates were appointments, but the way it had been hurting to leave the house I knew even making appointments was important and worthy of recognition.

Then I lived the past week.

My son came over for a Sunday supper. Not a big deal for most people, but for me it was huge. I don't like to cook. When I do, it is under duress. But I assembled a no-stress, easy peasy, family favorite (spaghetti and meat sauce) and the meal was all it needed to be. It was an excuse to sit down at the same table and talk.

Two days later, my sister and her husband needed a place to stay so they were close to the hospital where he was having early morning day surgery. One thing led to the next and the next thing we knew, my sister spent two more nights here. She was an incredibly easy guest to have about and having another adult to bounce my words off of, at the end of my day was a gift. I thought I was out of words. It turns out, I was just out of "ears". Thanks, sis!

I spent one night alone and the day following that, I ran out to see Mom. The thought of sacrificing my much anticipated alone-time, to spend it travelling and visiting felt daunting at first. But that soon evolved to gratitude and appreciation when I saw how happy Mom was to have me show up on her doorstep.

I came home to column deadlines and life-as-I-knew-and-expected-it. How lucky is that?

A person plans, makes appointments, sets little goals each and every day. It seems tedious, repetitive, thankless and never-ending. But when a week unfolds pretty much like you expect it to, you are beyond lucky.

As I wiped three to-do-items off the white board last night I quietly thought "Thank you". I'm simply grateful for the tedium which is my life, that allows life to unfold just the way I hoped it would when I wrote those things down.

I'm grateful for the seeds which have been planted as I wade my way through Brené Brown's "Living Brave" course. I am starting to run behind and after watching the video portion of the lesson I have walked away and come back to do the exercises when I have time. I hastily answered her questions a few nights ago because I cannot stand to be two lessons behind and it was as if she was sitting there on the other end of my computer reading as I typed. Her final words of advise after this particular lesson was "do not rush through this course". You want these lessons to seep "into your bones" and become second nature to you. I berated myself for rushing my way through. Until I reread my recent blogs. My answers to the questions within my course have been written into my blog posts and they have penetrated my conscious mind.

I'm doing better than I thought I was. Perhaps my healthy eating and living goals have fallen by the wayside as I tend to the clutter which is my life, but I can come back to those. Or maybe, just maybe these little fitness goals are seeping into my bones more than I realize. Big, drastic changes that happen over night are hard to maintain. Small, imperceptible changes which you don't see until you look back and compare yourself to where you are to where you were are more life-altering.

Bit by bit, I hope I am changing my world. It feels a little better already. I may not be there yet, but I believe I may be on my way.

This is the inspirational quote I woke up to this morning - I think I may have accidentally stumbled onto "The key to life", just by living it as I do!

Daring Greatly

I wasted yet another Sunday. I slept in, I inhaled my life, I lazed around, I enjoyed our cats, our home and our life. I called a friend and ate healthier. But I wasted another day. Completely and utterly.

By the day's end, I was wandering around without purpose. I was chastising myself for losing another valuable day. I was ready and needy for input. And I found it.

I watched Brené Brown's "Living Brave" question and answer video on Facebook. I was intrigued enough to follow where my curiosity took me. I was getting ready to take the plunge and enrol in her online course but wasn't quite convinced. Then I watched this video (http://www.courageworks.com/2015/11/living-brave-interview-oprah) of Brené Brown interviewing Oprah and I was in. I was in all the way.

I signed up, I ordered my books and I couldn't wait for classes to begin.

Of course I forgot all that this morning when my alarm went off. I stayed in bed as long as humanly possible and decided to save washing my hair until tonight so I could fulfill my deepest desire (to sleep longer). I wasted yet another morning enjoying lazing around with our cats who were sleeping soundly, after a wild 3:00 a.m. romp around my bedroom which lasted long enough to make it hard to fall back asleep.

When I finally got myself to my morning computer spot, I remembered this course. I had ten minutes to spare and an eleven minute introductory video to watch.

I am soooo glad I signed up! This is just what I need right now. I questioned my motives and goals as I read the questions to ponder. But the minute I sat down and listened to Brené speak, I knew exactly where I have been feeling most vulnerable and what "arena" I am afraid to enter.

The "Living Brave" class starts today. They will take registrations until January 15th. The schedule is loosely based, with three breaks interspered througout the course so those who may be falling behind, due to "life" and all its expected and unexpected demands have a chance to catch up.

It is a commitment I was afraid to make. But now that I'm in, I'm excited! If you want to join me, check it out here: http://www.courageworks.com/shop/classes/living-brave-semester.

I feel like this could shake me out of the safety net I have gotten so tangled up in, that I've been afraid to move. One small step in a forward direction and I could be off again!