Time to Begin Again

I fell off the wagon. Living an intentional life sounded so attainable. True to myself. Perfect for me. But it was harder than I thought. 

I coasted for a week. Coasted in every way possible. One would think that would refuel me in much needed ways. One would be wrong.

I have been socializing more than usual. "Peopling" wears me out. Being attuned to nature where all I have to do is show up, watch, listen and appreciate what is set before me is what fills me up when I am running on empty. 

There is nothing hard about tuning into one's surroundings, looking outside the window, stepping onto the back doorstep and breathing in the day. Yet I have not succeeded in that one small thing.

It is a new day, a new week, a fresh new start. It is time to try, try again. Forgive myself for slipping and get back on the wagon.

Forgive myself and take the next step forward. Rinse and repeat. Words we could all live by?

Here Comes the Sun

Sunrise is coming a lot earlier these days and seems to be kick-starting me into guilt much sooner than has been usual.

With the sun, comes a renewed sense of motivation. Or is it just guilt when one does not act upon it?

As per usual, I am having regular flashbacks to my daycaring days. I remember how the sun shining into the kitchen spurred me into action. Sunlight is not forgiving. Dirt, dust and grime shows up best when the sun is beaming in on it like a laser.

These days, our kitchen collects more dust and cat hair than anything else. Perhaps I should waking up a little earlier so I can utilize that sun superpower to my advantage. Open up doors, windows and blinds and deal with all the dust and cat hair it reveals.

Working from home comes with many advantages. One of them is the ability to make up for lost time on one end of the day or week. As long as the work gets done, it doesn't matter when I do it. 

Maybe I could fool myself into house cleaning if I cleaned on a week day and worked on a weekend. 

Maybe I could vacuum before I start work.

Maybe I could work fifteen minutes worth of dusting into a lunch break.

Maybe I should do something, rather than sit here and write my wish list like some mystical being would come and wave their magic wand and make all my wishes come true.

No matter what way I spin it, I am so happy the sun is waking me up and stirring my thoughts into action. 

Here comes the sun! The rest is up to me.

Armed and Ready to Go

I am fueled with a most excellent weekend in the books and motivated by upcoming days off to make the most of the next five working days. This feels like a recipe for success.

I didn't do anything important this past weekend. The pile of paperwork I have been working on was ignored. Entirely and completely. I did vacuum the cat hair off the lids of said containers. But that is all.

My sisters showed up for a socially distant deck-visit yesterday. I don't even know what we talked about. A little bit of everything. The gift was in their presence. They were here. We were all together. And it was good.

I did not accomplish ONE extra task this past weekend. I did not even succeed at cooking ONE meal. And it's okay. The work will be done. Sooner or later.

But in the meantime, I have a busy agenda. The plan is to make the most of the next five days ahead so I can make the most of the free time which is to follow.

Motivation is something I am working on. I am disappointed in myself. I am setting a very poor example for my youngest son still living at home.

As I marvelled at my middle son's ambition, motivation and accomplishments I sighed, "I used to be more like you ..." His response was, "Where do you think I got this from? I remember ..."

I did this once. I can do it again. One hard thing at a time. Just get 'er done! 

"Six impossible things before lunch" - this is a quote that goes back to the beginning of my blog. Getting the "hard things" done and out of the way before lunch is key.

Everything I need to know, I have already written. From this point onward, perhaps I should stop writing and just start reading.

Here is a little piece of "wisdom" I wrote back when I was younger, wiser and much more motivated: 

TUESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2008

Six Impossible Things Before Lunch

I once went to a very inspirational hair dresser who was full of thought provoking ideas. She told me of a client that she had, who had the motto to do ''Six Impossible Things Before Lunch". Depending on your day, some of those things may be as small as getting out of bed, having a shower and having breakfast. But the important thing was to do ''Six Impossible Things" in the morning.

Well, as I looked at the phone calls I had to make today as well as a "sick" computer (I'm still ending up causing havoc in people's inboxes with my emails). I felt overwhelmed at the tasks before me.

I made one phone call. I told myself that it is so much easier to call in the morning. By the end of the day I'm running out of gusto and the thought of picking up the phone and dialing it feels overwhelming a lot of the time.

One phone call led to the next and the next and the next. I have set up a time and place to meet up with a few more of my aunts (and invited a cousin along for the ride as well) for my next fact-finding mission for this history book.

I felt like I could conquer the world after I did "Four Impossible Things" (four phone calls). Wow!! Getting the tough part of your day over with first thing in the morning is definitely a way to jump start your day!!! (I should really start exercising again. One more impossible thing).

After that, I was actually eager to tackle the computer problems. I contacted my the tech-support department of the antivirus program I have and ran scans in the 'safe mode' as they suggested. We'll see if that works.

I wonder what six impossible things I shall tackle tomorrow???

Tough Love

I feel my inner child resurface when life gets hard - the part of me that wants to sit next to Mom and let her do my talking.

Mom was a fierce ally to have on my side throughout my life. When the chips were down, Mom had my back. She defended me. She supported me. She provided whatever was required to do what had to be done. She was there. Through thick and thin. No matter what.

In the aftermath of Mom's death, there was a void in my life no one would ever fill again. 

Life went on. I grew a little more. I endured. I pushed through. My skin got a little thicker. I longed for the days when I could drive out to Mom's and just be her daughter for a while.

There are the days I just want to be coddled and cajoled and gently urged to push through the moment I'm in. Yesterday morning was one of those days. 

The prevalent morning thought I had was to seek out a TED Talk on feeling overwhelmed to substitute for a conversation with Mom. I thought I needed some gentle urging.

Then I came upon Shia LaBeouf's "Just Do It" motivational speech. One minute and four seconds. Perfect. I had a busy day ahead of me and I didn't want to fritter away the morning. 

Then BAM! The first two words out of his mouth were exactly what I needed to hear: 

"DO IT!!"

Sometimes what we think we need is not what we need at all. A gentle nudge isn't always the best thing for us. I'm going to keep this guy on speed dial (or at least add him to my Bookmark bar).

There is no time to waste. I need to take Shia's advise and do it all over again today. No pussyfooting around...

"JUST DO IT!!!!"

The Only Way Through It

I am feeling so overwhelmed at the moment, I don't know where to start.

It's work. It's only work. But work has moved into our home with me and I'm still adjusting to my new roommate.

It sits there taunting me. Teasing me. Telling me. Beckoning me. Guilting me. Thank goodness my new roomie has a room of its own. I shut the door on it but I still hear it calling.

I invited this guest to move in with me. We are just going through an adjustment period. 

I have so much to do that my new companion woke me up at 3 a.m. This roommate is so disruptive.

As I sat with my morning coffee while attempting to write some morning pages, my pen told me what I already knew. The only way through it is to do it.

Just do it! 

Shia LaBeouf "Just Do It" Motivational Speech (Original Video by LaBeouf...

After writing my post this morning, I googled "Just do it", expecting to find this phrase coined by Nike to come with a Nike logo and gently ease me into the day. Instead? I found this:

I'm going to have this guy's voice in my head all day. Thank you!!

Three Years

Last week, I read and reflected on the thought "What if this was your last week ..." A seed was planted that grew into a dream. A dream that felt amazingly light and brought an incredible sense of peace.

I can recall my dream in fragments. What I remember was being told (presumably by a doctor) that I had only three years to live. My response was a surprise to the person who imparted this news in my dream. "Three years?!" Three years was perfect!!

Three years would give me ample time to "clean house" and prepare. I would have lots of time to spend with family, friends, gatherings and re-unioning (obviously I was not concerned with COVID-19 within my dream state). I only had to concern myself with three more years of financially supporting myself?! 

Everything felt so attainable. Three years was perfect!!

I forgot about that dream until I started writing this morning. It is impossible to know what three years will bring. The ground beneath my feet feels uncertain at the moment. Kind of like I'm walking in quicksand and ever fearful of being pulled under.

Three years.

Why don't I "clean house" figuratively and literally? Not in one weekend. Just adopt a mindset of cleaning up the clutter within our home, my mind and my world in general.

Three years. 

My son should be close to completing his education and looking at the world beyond "home". My work world will have evolved into something different than today.  

Three years.

It is impossible to predict where things will be in three years. But what if a doctor told me I had three years to live. You can bet that I would spend those years wisely.

Why not spend my time wisely anyway?

Revitalized

My energy reserves have been replenished and I feel raring to go again. This is a very good way to feel on a Monday morning. Better yet, because I have a whole lot of staining to do.

I took what I needed from the weekend and besides tackling a few tasks I hadn't been looking forward to, I had enough sleep, solitude and sustenance to fill me up to capacity.

I waited out the instructions of when to stain the deck - do NOT stain if rain is expected within 24 hours of application; do NOT stain until after 24 hours after a rain. I found variations of these instructions with suggestions to wait up to 48 hours.

This could prove to be impossible with our daily rain showers so after I tended to barbequing the meat I had thawed for supper (the meat had to be cooked but no one was hungry, so it was simply an exercise in barbequing - no "supper" was actually involved), I thought I would start staining the deck railing. Surely to goodness waiting 12 hours to stain a vertical surface should be sufficient.

I was in the right frame of mind to start the job. The temperature was ideal. Not too hot. Not too cool. I was in the shade. I promised myself I would simply start the job. Anything I accomplished would be a bonus.

Apparently the sun starts setting just after 9 p.m. these days. I worked into the twilight hour of the evening. It was a perfect way to wind up the day.

It was a tedious job but I didn't really care. I chastised myself a little for not starting the railing the night before. I could have finished the job last night. But one cannot turn back the clock. I have started. Starting is the hardest part.

I hope the most tedious part is behind me. The jigs and jags of the railings by the stairs appear to be the fussiest part of the job. I am hoping for some clear sailing today ... if only it was Saturday again.

Now that I have started this task, all I can see is the endless fence which surrounds our yard. It should have been stained years ago. Thankfully I had a vision of this moment and prepared for it. I had a 30% off coupon at the paint store, so I picked up a wood revival/cleaning product and extra stain. I can tackle this job one section of the fence at a time.

Starting is the hardest part of most any job. From that point on, just take one small step at a time. A step in a forward direction is better than no step at all. I need to tattoo the mirror image of this on my forehead so I can remind myself of this small adage daily.

The only one who can make changes around here is the person I see reflected back in my mirror. I must give her some grace and forgiveness for what she has not yet done. But she does need a nudge in a forward direction from time to time.

One small step at a time. Big things can happen by doing small things on a regular basis. One forward step at a time...

73

As my ambition levels ebb and flow like my moods, I was giving myself a good talking to this morning. "What is wrong with you?", I asked myself.

How old was Mom when she took the bull by the horns and simply started ripping up carpet after the Great Flood of 2001 saturated my brother's newly acquired home? I did some mental calculations and came up with the number "73".

73 ... 73 ... 73 ...

The number kept repeating through my mind. I thought of Mom's ambition and willingness to take on most any task.

I thought of Mom at my age and I am embarrassed. I don't hold a candle to what Mom accomplished at my age and older.

I think of my sisters and their work ethic, their ambition and energy. They take after Mom. I think of my brother who holds down a full time job, yet he still takes on home and yard maintenance at the end of his days and weeks. He has Dad's qualities.

I was trying to give myself a pass and reminded myself that my sisters and brother are all married. Does having a spouse to share the financial, physical and emotional load make a difference? Then again, I thought of Mom. She was on her own after the age of 55 until the end of her days. My lack of spouse theory doesn't hold water.

I think of Dad at my age and he was hospitalized with a debilitating heart attack days before his 58th birthday. Have I mentally capped out at the age Dad was when we lost him? Is this mental fatigue or am I simply lazy?

My moods are subject to the ebbs and flows of the moon, life in general and perhaps I'm hard wired this way. It shouldn't surprise me that my ambition levels mirror these hills and valleys.

What I do know to be true, is that work, accomplishing something and simply taking the next forward step is the best way out and through these doldrums.

Yet, here I sit. I am listening to the shinglers up on my roof toiling away and literally taking care of the roof over my head. The ambition will come. I can feel it bubbling up inside of me. But right now? In this moment? I am comforted in the knowledge our roof is in good hands. Taking care of the basics helps one weather the storms ahead. Not that I see any storms in my forecast, but that knowledge is key. 

Life is a marathon. I think I have treated it like a 100 yard dash. My ambition comes in waves and then I wonder why I'm exhausted in the aftermath. If I'm going to attain the stamina Mom had at the age of 73, slow and steady is the way to go. Just. Don't. Stop.

It is Time

I have been searching for a blog writer who speaks to me for quite some time now. I finally found her. Her blog is called "Robin Kramer Writes". When I read how she describes herself: "Writing is how I make sense of the world", I knew I had found a virtual friend.

I have gone back through the archives of her blog and started reading from the beginning. I am presently up to July 13, 2011: http://www.robinkramerwrites.com/2011/07/garage-sale.html
Once again, it was a phrase that came through the computer screen and grabbed me "I realized something about myself.  Having too much stresses me out."

Exactly! She is inside my head and is writing what I am thinking, seven years before I came to realize the exact same thing.

Having too much stresses me out.

I slowly came to realize My Time of Great Down Sizing after closing my daycare happened in order to make room for what was coming. I was thinking more along the lines of renting out the upstairs of our home or my invitation for Mom to move in. I didn't intentionally make room for Mom's belongings after she died. But that is exactly what happened.

I didn't want anything of Mom's. I didn't need anything. What I had was enough. I didn't want more. Thankfully my sister didn't listen. She brought a trailer load of stuff to fill the empty spaces of our home. I quite honestly plunked these furnishings down as she brought them in and I haven't moved them again. I had accidentally made room for them. They fit. They belonged. My sister knew.

The room which is weighing me down is the room which is filled with Mom's spirit. Her books, her memories, cards and letters I wrote to her, pictures, paperwork ... and the list goes on.

It is too much.

I walk in there and I pretty much know exactly where to locate something I am looking for. In fact, just this moment I went in and retrieved Mom's copy of the book To Kill a Mockingbird after reading Robin's quote from the book in the above mentioned post.

I have been searching for a more fulfilling purpose within my after work hours and I do believe I have stumbled onto the "what's next" portion of this life I'm living.

"Having too much stresses me out". It is time. Time to open some cupboards and start lightening my load again. I need to organize and make room for what is important within "Mom's room". That room is so laden and heavy right now. It is time to make room for "what's next"...

 "This" is where I need to begin. I've been saying it for months but I have not had the energy nor motivation to put my words into action.

Thanks, Robin. Thank you for writing what I have not yet put words to within this head full of untranslated thoughts. I have too much. I need to create some order within Mom's room. I suspect I will find a great amount of peace will come during and after the transformation.

It is time to make a plan. It is time to start moving forward and through the past year in a physical kind of way.

Best. Weekend. Ever!

"Balance" is everything when it comes to my happy factor. Filling myself up with a little work, play, soul fulfilling and family time during a weekend (or any given day) and life is pretty much perfect. And such was this past long weekend.

I had one good, productive day of bookkeeping. It filled the day, I picked up supper, came home and crashed on the couch. But it was good. My work there was done. I would wake up to two more days off to follow. Oh, what one can do with TWO days!

I started each weekend day filling up on all things Brené and Glennon. Brené Brown and Glennon Doyle Melton, unbeknownst to them, are two of my soul sisters. In my mind we are the best of friends. I love hanging out with them and lucky for me, they have teamed up and created an on-line course "The Wisdom of Story" on CourageWorks.com. It's great. I could listen to them all day. But I settled for an hour or so. I filled up my soul and carried on.

Sunday morning, I had coffee with a friend who lives five hours away. She was nestled up inside her world, I was snug and cozy in mine. We picked up the phone and chatted like the good friends we are. An hour and a half with the first sister I adopted of my own. We were "related" by marriage. The marriage didn't last but our sister-in-law relationship has transcended time, distance and several life transitions. I thoroughly enjoyed our coffee date.

Then came the work.

I spent the remainder of Sunday culling, sorting, photographing and marketing the excessive daycare wares within our home. I can't believe how long it is taking to get down to what I call a "bare minimum" which is still more than any one child could ever need in a home or daycare environment. I thought this past weekend would be it. I was pulling out the "dregs" of what I have left to sell. I was convinced I could put it all up for auction. I have 27 children's items up for sale this week. Since I was "clearing out" my children's merchandise, I started adding some items to another household auction. I put 11 more items up for sale there. Total bids as of 8:45 last night were $215.00. The auction ends tonight and judging by the activity on these auctions, I suspect there will be a last minute flurry of activity and my final sales will jump from last night's total. It is a time consuming little task but I have achieved my goal of selling $1000.00 worth of belongings within 6 weeks instead of my forecast of  15 to 16 weeks to reach that total.

It was another good day's work. In fact I seem to be making a game out of this purging and selling habit I've developed. I'm thinking maybe my next career could be hiring myself out to help people purge their excess, with a clause within the contract stating I could sell whatever I found marketable for my own profit. Food for thought ...

Then I woke up to Thanksgiving Day morning. My work here was done. I could put my feet up and relax. Which I did. All morning. All I had to do was tidy the house for company, run out and buy food to serve for supper, then throw it all together, call it a meal and enjoy my company for the evening.

Well! The thing about clearing out the excess is the energy and motivation that follows. I stepped out of my cozy little oasis and did "one small thing". I believe that thing was to open up the closet doors within the laundry room to see what progress I was making there, when I realized I should clean the air exchanger. Then change the furnace filter. Why not dust, sweep and vacuum the laundry room (please note, I have not YET used the term "clean") while I was right there?

Low and behold, I found one of the missing cat toys behind the deep freeze which sent me on a mission. I ran upstairs, pulled out the oven and found no more cat toys but I did find enough cat hair to warrant literally vacuuming my way out of the laundry room, up the stairs and in behind the oven. I don't even know if I had moved the oven back against the wall when I decided I may as well pull out the fridge too. I don't want to admit how long it has been since I've done that. I've thought long and hard about it a few times over the course of the past few years but actions did not follow (in my defence, I have invested in a yard stick for the purpose of retrieving lost cat toys from under the stove and fridge and it does a very decent job at clearing out the cat hair while I'm at it).

This was crazy. My supper guests were going to be arriving in two hours and I was still in my pajamas, hadn't bought groceries nor had a shower. I felt like Mr. Incredible as he races off to save the world a few or three times while he is trying to make it to the church in time to get married. "I still have time" he says in his deep, super hero voice as he catches a few more criminals and saves a cat that was stuck in a tree along his way.

And I still hadn't scoured the bathroom or shone up the kitchen. Yikes! I was losing the battle.

I was still peeling the last of the potatoes when my company arrived. Thankfully 90% of my meal was pre-cooked or came our of a box, bag or baked goods container. All I basically had to do was just add water" (or not), heat and stir.

Voila!! We sat down to a meal well cooked (thank you Co-op deli department!) and our small, cozy family Thanksgiving supper.

I was some kind of exhilarated after such a perfectly balanced weekend of work, play, friendship and family. I sat down at the tail end of a fulfilling weekend and just exhaled. It was good. It was so good.

And the good just keeps getting better! After my guests left, I found a text message from my cousin from Ontario. She obviously must have intended to send this message to someone else, but I replied with great enthusiasm and excitement when answering her question "Will you be home tomorrow morning? I just have to drop my husband off at the airport and I'll stop by for coffee..." Hilarious, I thought. Her husband is a pilot and works out of Toronto. She obviously thought she was texting my uncle. I replied that "Of COURSE I would be home and love to have coffee!", and laughed as I added "You do know you are texting 'Colleen, in Saskatoon', do you?" And she replied that YES! She did mean to text me and that her husband was heading home from their visit to see her parents and she was staying a little longer.

Well, knock me over with a feather! I have company coming this morning!! And with my daycare crowd of "one", we should be able to work in a very good visit. AND (and this is the best part), I added "Stay for lunch! I have chicken on a bun and pumpkin pie!" I never have ready-made offerings of food to offer. Never!

If you make it, they will come ...

And they did.

Less Clutter = More Energy

I think I'm finally starting to see the light at the end of the excess. These pictures ONLY show one toy zone within our house. There are several more. But this area has been the bane of my existence and one of my reasons for not wanting to clean for far too long. In fact, how can one clean when a room is filled with clutter?

This is my progress:

Sept 6

Sept 11

Sept 26

This is what is up for sale this week:

 

This is what will go up for sale soon:

And this is a combination of items soon to be sold and toys I'm holding onto for as long as my last daycare child remains:

 

Then there are the daycare cots (3), playpens (2), booster seats (2), baby gates and whatever remains outside. It feels like there is no end to the daycare excess within this house of ours.

I have sold 49 items to date. The average selling price of my wares has been $9.25 per item. Almost everything I list for sale has a start bid of $1 to $5. "Demand" kicks up the selling price substantially in many cases. In three weeks, I have made $453.50 and the bids on the items I put up for auction yesterday are up to $76.75 with 36 hours left before my auction closes.

I'm not getting rich but I'm gaining an appreciation for the high cost of living excessively. By paring down the contents within the playroom downstairs, I found myself moving the piano so I could vacuum, dusting and giving the whole house a quick once over with the vacuum cleaner before I called it a day. I walked around with a dust rag and cleaned as I walked along. I still use the term "cleaning" very loosely because at this point it is little more than rolling up the excessive dust dirt (quite literally, when I started swiping at the dust from the cat litter in the laundry room this morning). 

I am feeling lighter and more energetic. I've been at this for four weeks and I easily have four more weeks to go before I start digging into the excessive accumulation of our household goods. Nothing is safe right now. I'm on a mission. The mere fact that I find myself cleaning without intent is nothing short of astounding. There is much energy to be gained by living a less materialistic life.

Energy Begets Energy

Energy begets energy. I knew this, yet I couldn't muster the energy to turn off the TV, walk out of the room which is my quiet, private oasis and do one hard thing.

I finally did it. I walked out that door and into a room which has been begging to be taken care of for months (maybe a year) on end. I did one hard thing. I made the chaos within the room even bigger and taller and messier. I stood back and took inventory of the excess and knew something had to be done. And I'm doing it.

Suddenly everything in the house, garage, playhouse and yard is on the chopping block. "I don't need you! You must go!!" Then I hop onto Kijiji and offer to give it away for free. I have found there is very little (if anything) in the world that some other person may take, if it is offered for free. Of the nine items listed to give away, I have only one left.

While discerning between selling, giving away or throwing something away there has been precious little which has gone by way of the garbage. A broken weed eater, a paper shredder with a dead motor and a few small slats of wood are all that my friendly neighborhood garbage truck has taken away.

Everything else is or has been sold. I started purging on September 5th. It is now 11 days later and I am $328.25 richer. And I have only nicked the surface of all there is yet to sell. I'm living in a gold mine here. Who knew?!

I have auctioned off most of my items, listed others on Kijiji. Between free stuff and items I have sold, my neighbors must be wondering what is going on with all of the coming and going around here.

I have basically stopped life in its tracks so I can be available whenever it is convenient for others to come and pick up their wares. I have even stayed awake and dressed as late as 9:30 to sell something.

I was weary, I was tired of the day, I wanted to walk away from the computer, crawl into my pajamas and fall into a weary sleep. But I didn't. I waited. And waited. And waited some more, for this person to come pick up their playpen.

While I sat at the computer, I worked. I finally, finally, FINALLY submitted columns to the papers I write for. I thought "this" was going to be it. The night before, I even wrote my pre-resignation email to one of my editors but I didn't have the energy to proofread the articles I was sending so I didn't send it. Then the next day happened.

My weekly letter to my mom had been postponed longer than it should have been. I started writing it on Sunday. I added some more on Monday. I started selling stuff and listing more items for sale in between all the cracks of living my life and I talked to her on the phone on Tuesday and Wednesday.

By Thursday, I thought I had to mail something. Even if it was nothing. So I wrote. Then I started reading my blogs of the past week and I realized something. My words are flowing again. I may not be writing the Great American Novel here but I'm writing. I'm not only purging the excesses within our house but I am starting to let go of some of the words which have been holding such power.

I read back a week, then two. I saw how life has transformed itself and how I felt it coming, embraced it and did my best to make peace with it. There is an energy force which has gripped me and got me back into action. Moving and shaking up the contents of our home has restarted the flow of words.

My life is mirrored by the way our home looks and feels at the moment. It is a bit of a mess. Sometimes you have to pull everything out of the closets and put them into clear sight before you see the way through the mess is and make even a bigger one. Once the closets are emptied, there is room to make way for new life.

I am on my way out of the daycare business. I have "emptied my closets" literally and figuratively. My future feels a little like the way our downstairs playroom looks. It looks chaotic and if I stopped now, it would only get worse. The only way through the mess is to keep moving forward.

Every step forward is a step in the right direction. There is so much yet to be done but I have found a renewable source of energy within one small nugget of wisdom I have always known but always forget when I'm deep in a state of exhaustion. Energy begets energy.

I have been going to bed later, sleeping sounder AND (this is the best part) waking up before my alarm goes off at 5:00 a.m. feeling energized and ready to tackle another day.

I like this energized feeling. I think (I know) the television set was my kryptonite. It took away my power. It was the addiction I turned to, so I wouldn't have to "feel" the discomfort of the life I was (or wasn't) living.

What is zapping your energy? Energy is a renewable resource so if you can walk away from what is depleting you, you just may amaze yourself. Easier said than done. I know. One step in a forward direction will lead you towards where you need to go. Please remind me of this in a week or two when I fall flat on my face, will you?

Move!

My days of "early morning movement" seem to be a thing of the past. The question is: "Can I begin again?" My answer (thus far) has been: "But why?"

I think I was happier when I was moving. Or was I simply delirious from the exhaustion? I thought getting up at 4:52 a.m. was attainable but the early and earlier bedtimes were a hard habit to maintain. Yes, I'll just blame the early bedtimes, that's it.

Last week, I pushed myself out of my quiet little life and found myself smack dab in the middle of a family gathering. I was tried VERY hard to maintain the "confident new self" I have come to know the past decade or so but I FELT so very much like my quiet ten year old self of my childhood. 

I came home from that event feeling bruised, beaten and wishing I could "take back the day" and undo every little thing I said or did. It was a blast from my past. It was a rerun from the days when I was a child and said "the wrong thing", then came home and rewound the tape over and over and over again and "rued" my day, my existence and the very fibre of my being.

My bounce-back ability is usually better than this. I am not certain why the elasticity of that ability to regain my composure was missing. Maybe it was lack of sleep?

I had two complete and total days "off" this past weekend. I had so many little things I wanted to accomplish. What did I do? I slept. I slept and slept and then slept some more.

I talked to a few people. I confessed a little bit of what I was feeling. Was I feeling shame? Brenè Brown says shame cannot exist when it is spoken out loud. So I spoke a little. I felt a little bit better. But I still didn't feel "myself". I am starting to feel fearful. What if that girl who gained some confidence and was mostly happy is gone forever??

I woke up still feeling "tired" this morning but I think I'm bouncing back to life. My daycare crowd did not picking up on my negative vibes today so I think my bad vibrations are settling down.

Maybe I should go for a good, long walk. Maybe I should have a good, long talk. Maybe this is just one of those things I have to endure and push myself through the discomfort and through to the other side. I have read that the best way out of a bad mood is to "move". I haven't been moving much, so maybe I should heed that advise.

Compliments of "Project Happiness" ( https://www.facebook.com/projecthappiness/photos/pb.43808911636.-2207520000.1466394388./10153487041561637/?type=3&theater):

“In 2010, the APA finally caught up with Hippocrates, who recommended that all people in a bad mood should go for a walk—and if it did not improve, walk again. Sedentary behavior causes brain impairment, and we know how: by depriving your brain of the flood of neurochemistry that evolution developed in order to grow brains and keep them healthy.” ~John Ratey

Wake Up Call

This "habit" to keep moving in the mornings is starting to feel hard.

I took off the weekend. I figured two days off, after being true to myself and my promise for six days straight deserved a reward. So I "rewarded" myself and stayed asleep instead of moving.

Then came "Monday". I didn't feel like doing really hard things but I knew it was important to keep moving forward and through the paralysis of inertia. Being "still" is so much easier than waking up and moving. So I turned on a YouTube exercise video and exercised. It was a half hearted attempt but every time I started to beat myself up because I was not putting my whole body and soul into the work at hand, I kept telling myself "This is better than sleeping. You are moving. This is better than being still. This is enough for now."

Then came "this morning". I woke up before my alarm and thought I couldn't do it. I was ready to turn over and go back to sleep when I heard a faint "beep" "beep" "beep" from right outside my bedroom door.

I parked the non-functional exercise bike right outside my door several weeks ago. And there it "slept". Until this morning. "Beep" "Beep" "Beep" it called out. It didn't make one peep the entire time I cleaned, fiddled with and rode it. Silence. Pure and utter silence. Then, the morning I decided that maybe I wasn't so into this whole idea of "moving", it called out to me.

I found where the batteries were located and removed them. Since I was up and about anyway, I decided to find a short Zumba workout on YouTube. It was twenty five minutes. I was tired and lethargic. But I did it. I got up and moved.

I am at a crucial point in forming this new habit. I could quit right now and never look back. Thank goodness for malfunctioning electronics. This mysterious beeping pulled me out of my lethargy and into some form of motion this morning. I may have to do this on my own tomorrow but for today, I am grateful for the wake up call.

Putting on the Miles

I am finally starting to give my Fitbit a little bit of a run for its money. "Walk" may be the better way to phrase that but "movement" is key. I am only three days in but I'm doing it. I'm on the move again.

I started on a Sunday which is a minor miracle in and of itself. Thanks to hearing my sister say (once, most likely twenty or thirty years ago) that she always started [whatever she set out to do] on "Monday". I heard it once and I adopted that motto as my own. That is why starting something on a Sunday is so amazing to me.

It was already warm outside by the time I made my mind up to start moving. But I moved anyway. I called my cousin to see if she would like to join me but (I found out later) she was already out walking her dog (and much smarter than me, because she returned before it got too hot outside). I walked anyway. I set a goal of walking for an hour. And that is exactly what I did.

I vowed there and then that walking when it is cool outside is key. Starting the day out by walking sounded like a perfect habit for me to start. So when my alarm went off at eight minutes before five o'clock Monday morning, I hopped out of bed and was out the door by 5:01 a.m. I was home shortly after 6:00 a.m. and sitting outside with the cats shortly thereafter (they seem to think if I get to go out and play in the morning, they should be able to do the same).

I sat outside, wrote Mom a letter and by the time my daycare day began I felt like I had sufficient "me" time and I was ready, willing and able to face the day. Having done "hard things" first thing in the morning, I seemed to be mentally capable of tacking the day head on and game to add a few more "hard things" onto my plate.

I initiated a little bit of communication and was rewarded with a most excellent visit when one person responded to my email by phoning me. It has been a challenge simply responding to emails and picking up a ringing phone lately, so to actually be the one initiating contact is a very big deal. I stepped outside my comfort zone and invited people in. It is small but it is so big for me right now.

I submitted my columns while the kids slept yesterday and got that monumental task off my plate for another month or so. In doing so, I made the decision to "just keep writing" after all the back and forth and conflicted feelings I have been having about that lately. Not only that, I plan to start amassing some of my writing together in one place and seeing if I can organize it into something interesting.

I culled through my closets (the downfall of moving my bedroom is that I ended up with two closets) on Sunday and ended up with MORE clothes than I started with. How could this happen you ask? That would be due to the fact that my sisters have been dropping off  some clothes I may be interested in keeping which has resulted in a rather massive excess. I tried to get rid of as much as I kept but I'm not sure if I succeeded. None the less, I have sorted through my closets and drawers and have two bags of donations left over. Not bad for an hour's work.

I haven't made the time to cull through more than my clothes, though I did fill another big bag with toys that are never played with. Fifteen minutes at a time. Small steps. Steps in a forward direction. Anything at all is better than sitting still and doing nothing.

My "nothing", wind down and recharge time is still vital to my existence. So last night, when I had done all that needed to be done I ceremoniously climbed into my pajamas and fell asleep shortly thereafter. Waking up at 4:52 a.m. requires an early to bed time. My body was happy to comply.

I woke up before my alarm once again this morning and walked another hour before I set my morning routines into action. The cats insisted we sit out in the back yard again and they were happy to entertain me and keep me moving as I tried to convince both of them to come inside at the same time. I would catch one, put him inside then he would dart out and escape the minute I caught his buddy and tried to put him inside. It was a "whack-a-mole" game of Keep Both Cats In the House at the Same Time.

My Fitbit tells me I have logged seventeen miles since Sunday and the day is young. My body felt a little sluggish and tired this morning but the right muscles were complaining. My calf muscles were telling me they were "happy" to be put to use again. I'm gaining a blister on a callus on one of my bunions which could get ugly if I keep pushing it. My hands go numb when I walk so maybe I need to get a little "power walk" thing going, by raising my hands up to my waist level and do the "professional power walker move". My back is feeling weird but goes away when I walk so I guess it is telling me to "walk it off". I am very conscious about the fact I don't want to injure anything. I just want to get moving and get my heart pumping a little faster.

Other than those few minor body ailments, my head is feeling happier and healthier. My thoughts are feeling lighter, more positive and realigned with the stars.

I am only three days in to this minor life renovation but it feels so right, so familiar and so life affirming that I think I can do three more. Motion begets more motion. Action begets further action. Movement in any way, shape or form when you are coming out of a catatonic state of inactivity is a very good step in a forward direction. I'm going to keep following this path. It feels like it is going to head me in the right direction.

Then I came home to find my Tuesday morning email from "Project Happiness" sitting in my Inbox. How incredibly fitting.

 http://www.projecthappiness.org/project-happiness-blog/

What matters most is the spirit of the work. How are you spending your time? Is the way you're living your days in line with what's most important to you in your life?

"Go into the world and do well. But more importantly, go into the world and do good." ~Minor Myer

Less Stuff

I have been hanging out here this morning: http://www.projecthappiness.org/project-happiness-blog/

I have been wandering through "whatever speaks to me" over at this site and finding my way through the mire of my deep, dark thoughts a lot this past while. These articles are exactly what I need to read right now.

I woke up to a Sunday with all of the "hard stuff" done. The lawn is mowed, my hair is clean, groceries have been bought, all of my extra-curricular spending has been "paid in full" and I have miraculously ended up in the black. And it is SUNDAY!! Yay!!!

I don't know what to do first. Go for a long, brisk walk? Sit out in the sun with our cats? Start digging through one closet or area of the house to try to lighten the load of the excess that has accumulated while my back was turned? Or all of the above.

The key is to do something. I gave myself an entire Sunday to melt into the couch last week. I have nurtured myself with garbage food and mindless TV. Now it is time to "walk it off", let my thoughts waft through my mind while I walk a good walk, While I am walking, I will make a plan to get rid of some of the excess (again!) around here. I will end my day in the back yard with a good book and our cats.

The time to get started is NOW.

The theme of today is:

“Joy is not in things; it is in us.” ~Richard Wagner

We don’t hang on to things; we hang on to emotions attached to those things…as you move through your day today, ask yourself, “Does this bring me joy?” This is a simple yet incredibly powerful question to ask about all the the ‘stuff’ in your life…

https://projecthappiness.com/less-stuff-2/

New Roads = Great Discomfort

I'm not certain how I can possibly feel so exhausted after such a well rounded weekend. But I am. Maybe it is the thought of returning to life as I know it. Maybe I just stayed up too late last night. Maybe my brain is tired. Or my body. I gave both my brain and body a bit of a work out this past weekend.

My big weekend plans were to meet up with a friend for an overnight visit at a destination five hours from here. Yes, I had to leave the house for another overnight stay two weeks after my last traumatic experience on a similar venture.

I took what I learned from my last anxiety filled weekend adventure to make it easier for me to walk out the door. I got up early, gave myself plenty of time to enjoy my morning routines so I wouldn't feel rushed and not ready to leave the house. I sat outside with our cats, I sent off an early morning email, I trimmed the grass growing in our non-maintenance zone and just savored the moments.

Then I had to get ready to leave. Easy. All I had to do was take a quick bath and head out. Everything was ready to go. I just needed to freshen up, get dressed and leave the house. Then I decided I could shower without getting my hair wet and I would feel ever so much fresher than I do after having a bath.

I was wrong. I was so wrong. I ended up getting very wet. My hair was a bigger mess than it would have been, had I simply washed it. I tried rushing the drying and styling process because I simply did not have time to be messing with my hair.

In the end, I ended up with two day old "cleanish" hair that felt dirtier than it would have, had it been left alone. Drying and styling two day old hair leaves one feeling very unfresh. But I didn't have time to start from scratch so I sent off a message telling my friend I'd be delayed by a half hour and I was on my way.

I followed the highway signs out of the city. Except they have changed this exit route since the last time I drove down this highway seven years ago. Not only did they change the road, they neglected to erect a sign directing me to the highway I needed to take.

I drove down the wrong highway for a little while before I turned around and started all over again. Obviously I had just missed a sign, right? That is what I thought. I stopped to look at the fifteen year old map in my car before I tried again. Obviously that was not going to help me out since the city has expanded substantially and the exit I was looking for would have been the same one I took seven years ago. So I just backtracked enough to ensure I followed the highway signs. Surely I was not the only one exiting the city who was looking for "Highway 7".

I followed the signs and trusted that the wrong road I had just taken must have been the right one after all, and I just had to be patient and wait for the turn off to my desired highway.

I had no such luck.

Eventually, I stopped at a roadside store/campsite to ask if I was on the right highway. She assured me I was not but comforted me in the fact that I was not alone. A lot of people made this same mistake. She showed me a map, told me to "turn left at Grandora". I was pretty sure she meant "right" but then again, I very often get maps confused unless north is aligned with north and I'm standing in the right direction to get my bearings. So I decided not to trust my instincts because when it comes to directions and instincts I am always 100% wrong.

So when I passed Grandora and there was no "left", I just kept heading straight. One hour after I had left our house, I was back at the city limits, trying to exit one more time.

I just about went home to consult with Google maps but I thought I would take a chance on a main road that was headed in the direction I thought I wanted to go. There were NO highway signs to direct me. I just followed my instinct and this time, my instinct was right. Sometime shortly thereafter, I found the road sign I was looking for and I knew I was on my way.

Delayed a half hour by my unruly hair and another hour, trying to leave the city I was quite frazzled and none too happy about this development. All I could think was I was grateful I had enjoyed my quiet, leisurely morning at home. That was about all that was grounding me. Then I started to lighten up and thought, "I got to enjoy an extra hour of my familiar radio station" before I hit radio silence.

I lost my radio station shortly thereafter and let the radio search for a station. It took about a half hour before I heard music again.

I stopped and regained my bearings and composure three hours later. I wasted an hour of fuel trying to find my highway so I didn't trust that I had enough gas to get me to my destination. Nothing grounds me better than stopping at McDonald's and eating my Saturday morning consolation prize for "doing hard things" - an Egg McMuffin meal.

Three hours after I left the house, I finally took a deep, long breath and enjoyed the ride.

Radio silence is a wonderful thing. I started thinking thoughts and actually followed the thought through to its end. I made goals for myself. I thought outside my box. I reminisced about the last time I took this highway and the memory filled holiday I enjoyed with my youngest son.

I simply enjoyed the process of thinking complete thoughts. My brain has become like a pinball machine. "Ping!" "Ping!" "Ping!", one thought bounces into the next and deflects the original thought and morphs into something unrecognizable. I have become childlike in my inability to concentrate and settle into one activity or thought process. I believe my daycare career has brought out an attention deficit disorder within me.

I savored the miles where I got to feel like the "me" I used to be when I sat still with my thoughts. Something good is happening here.

 I went from "THIS ... is why I hate going places and taking new roads! I hate feeling lost in the world!!" to "I NEED to get out more and take new roads. It feels good to find your way again after losing yourself".

That was really the theme of the weekend past. I know I need to push myself out of this comfortable little space in the world I've built for myself. I'm suffocating a little bit here but at the same time this "safe place to land" is everything in the world to me.

My friend, who I just met up with, is just coming out of the other side of a devastating time of great change. She is walking through the doors that have been opening up and finding her way in her new world. She confessed that when she thinks too hard and too long about "where she is going to end up", it is terrifying. But she is taking one brave step in front of the other and building herself up as she makes her way.

She challenged me to do the same. "Do one thing out of your comfort zone" was one of the three challenges she put before me to help push me out and beyond of this comfortable spot I am living in.

The weekend past was uncomfortable in a comfortable sort of way. Yes, I took a wrong road (twice). But I didn't quit. I didn't go home to regain my bearings. I stayed on the wrong path long enough to find the right one. I didn't give up. In the end, I trusted my instincts and I found my way.

Maybe it's time I set out on a few more new adventures. Not all of them have to involve new highways, but maybe I can make myself uncomfortable right here from the safety of home.

I'm too tired to pursue that thought at the moment but this moment will pass. When it does, I'm ready. I'm ready to step outside my comfort zone. One new road at a time.

What a Difference a Day Can Make!

Take one part inspiration and learning ("Thanks Brené Brown!"), combined with five parts income tax and numbers (I don't mind numbers once I sit down and start playing with them, I simply prefer "letters" these days), add a little nourishment for good measure (finally all the week's leftovers are gone!), take a drive with your son (it is kind of fun being in the passenger seat for a change!), add one more part of the income tax/number combo, then top it all off with a little "Brené Brown" finale (her Ted Talk on shame is hilarious and thought provoking, but watch her Ted Talk on vulnerability first. It sets the stage for what is to follow) and you have my "yesterday".

I was determined not to waste the day, so I got up at 6:00 a.m. and refused to allow myself to turn on the TV. The second thing I would not allow myself to do, was to get lost on the Internet. I could dabble with intent, but I could not get lost. That proved to be a winning combination.

I had so many time consuming items on my to-do list and I knew I needed to fill up my positivity and inspirational well. So I started with the "Living Brave" class I am taking (lead by my current new hero "Brené Brown"). I was completely overwhelmed with the fist lesson of the second half of the class. There were three chapters to read and thirty five questions to be answered, It took me forever. But I finally completed that task, posted my answer to the last question of that assignment as a blog post here, watched her Ted Talk on vulnerability and moved on.

Then came the numbers. I had so many number puzzles to solve and unravel. I went to an accountant to learn all I could learn about what I could and could not deduct and how to calculate my "Business Use of Home" percentage. This knowledge was frightening because I had not used this formula nor some of the proper deductions in the two years which have preceded this one. So of course, I wanted to go back two years and recalculate my daycare deductions to see how much of a mess I was in. Thus, the procrastination.

Long story short, I under-claimed my expenses the first year and over-claimed them the second. I under-claimed more than I over-claimed and I didn't claim all of my expenses in the year preceding the year I claimed too much. I have all of my receipts and spreadsheets and was able to reconstruct the years and work on the current year within the space of an afternoon. So I have all the information ready and waiting if it is ever questioned. This was a huge relief for me. Huge.

There is no way I could have squeezed that project into the cracks of my week. When it comes to numbers, I like to sit down without distraction or interruption and work through the puzzle from beginning to end. I had one small mystery to do with my current year's income tax but came back to that after a leisurely Sunday drive with my son and the answer was staring me in the face. Sometimes one does have to walk away and come back later.

After that, I did the "hard part" of Mom's taxes, checked and re-checked my numbers and was satisfied that I had done all I could do. Then I sat down with my good friend Brené and shared some perspective, some good laughs and words that left me thinking.

When all was said and done, I accomplished a lot. There is much left to do but a weekend of "doing" has energized me ten times more than a weekend of "doing nothing". I filled myself up with what I needed. I nourished myself with (relatively) healthy food, positive thoughts and ideas, I unravelled a few mysteries and I put the work I dread the most in the "done" pile. All I can say is "Whew!"

Now, I just have to check out this new concept I just heard last week. The whole idea of "Spring Cleaning" has been rather elusive to me the past very long while. I took on the task of decluttering and wiped and swiped my way through that. But what if I stopped worrying about the clutter and just cleaned away the dirt? Now that is an idea I think I can sink my teeth into.

If only I had another Sunday. I've said it before and I'll say it again. One day is simply not enough.

This is a Test. This is Only a Test...

I have worn my new "Fitbit" wristband for one day and I have the stats of my life-as-I-live it. It isn't all bad news but I think I may just be able to make a game of living a little bit healthier. I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com:
http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6269359-this-is-a-test-this-is-only-a-test-/