Aspiration

I aspire to be ...

I did not realize the power these words held until I read something this morning. The writer of the post said three things set them into motion: inspiration, aspiration or desperation.

Inspiration does not take me far. It is a spark. But a spark does not ignite without good air flow and a little "fanning of the flame" to keep it burning. Inspiration without a defined goal depletes me. I need to work toward an end result. To dream of something bigger than the spark of an idea.

I would have said desperation my driving force until I realized "desperation" has caused me to wake up and take note of a situation which no longer served me. I have sat in limbo making pro/con lists as I mapped out possibilities of where I could go from where I was at. 

To run with no set destination in mind, one doesn't go far. Once one has a defined destination - something to run toward, endless possibilities await.

I have been navigating my life without a map for a lot of years now. Lost at sea. Aimless. Pointless. Drifting. No future hopes, goals or dreams leads to nowhere.

Suddenly, "retirement" is a goal I have in mind. I have found a home I hope to retire in. A physical change, made with intention. I am moving towards the life I aspire to live.

The timeline is flexible but for the first time since Mom asked me about my 10 year plan (almost four years ago), I have found myself smack dab in the middle of a tentative 5 year plan. 

Mom? I have a plan. It feels good. Drifting aimlessly through one's days/months/years is not exhausting. But it certainly isn't life affirming.

I see the life I aspire to live in the not-so-distant future. 

This looks (and feels) like a very good destination to run toward...

What Would You Do If You Were Retired?

Retirement is a hot topic of conversation between my aunt and me. I'm just a little older than her oldest child. He retired a few years ago. This triggers many conversations.

Q - Why aren't you retired?

A - I didn't plan well enough.

Q - How did my son retire then?

A - He stayed at the same job throughout his career. I quit my job with benefits and became a daycare provider with no benefits and no pension.

Q - Why didn't you just keep on putting money aside then?

A - I was just managing to pay the bills. There was not enough left over.

Q - How long are you going to work?

A - Until I'm at least 65 unless my job situation is taken out of my hands. 

Q - Why don't you retire now?

A - What in the world would I do with my time? I may as well work.

Q - What do you do with your time now?

A - I waste time like nobody's business. I hate to think what I would do if I didn't have to work.

Q - But what do you DO?

A - I do puzzles, I read, I write, I do my banking and play with my finances, I follow where my curiosity leads and lose track of time.

Q - What's wrong with that? 

A - Hmmmm .....

I have spent the past few mornings lost in the questions:

Q - How much has accepting and issuing life's invitations cost me the past few years?

A - Last year - about $3,000; the year before that (a year where I issued as many invitations as I accepted) - closer to $5,000

Revelation - The word "yes" is expensive

Q - Could I afford to retire if the bottom fell out of my employment income?

A - No

Q - Where did my inheritance go?

A - It went exactly where it needed to go. No regrets. But I'm still not quite set up to retire.

Q - What WOULD I do if I was retired?

A - I have sooooo many things I would like to do around here. First, I would sort through paperwork, memories and pictures. 

When I felt I had some semblance of order in all of the above, I would sit down with my letters to Mom and her letters to me. I would sort them into date and conversational order. I would cull the highlights and create a collage of "Dear Mom" letters and Mom's responses. 

What would I do if I was retired? I believe I would sit still with what I have and create order out of the papers, memories, pictures and letters I have collected.

Back to my aunt's question:

Q - What's wrong with that? 

A - Hmmmm .....

Revelation: I am grateful for the repetitive nature of our conversations. It reminds me to remember what I have is good and maybe wasting time like nobody's business today means I am planting seeds for tomorrow.

What seeds are you unknowingly planting today? What small, repetitive actions/conversations/thoughts are reminding you to think and rethink your fate? What question triggers your curiosity and subconsciously sets your thoughts in motion? 

Lose yourself in those thoughts and see where they take you. 

Three Years

Last week, I read and reflected on the thought "What if this was your last week ..." A seed was planted that grew into a dream. A dream that felt amazingly light and brought an incredible sense of peace.

I can recall my dream in fragments. What I remember was being told (presumably by a doctor) that I had only three years to live. My response was a surprise to the person who imparted this news in my dream. "Three years?!" Three years was perfect!!

Three years would give me ample time to "clean house" and prepare. I would have lots of time to spend with family, friends, gatherings and re-unioning (obviously I was not concerned with COVID-19 within my dream state). I only had to concern myself with three more years of financially supporting myself?! 

Everything felt so attainable. Three years was perfect!!

I forgot about that dream until I started writing this morning. It is impossible to know what three years will bring. The ground beneath my feet feels uncertain at the moment. Kind of like I'm walking in quicksand and ever fearful of being pulled under.

Three years.

Why don't I "clean house" figuratively and literally? Not in one weekend. Just adopt a mindset of cleaning up the clutter within our home, my mind and my world in general.

Three years. 

My son should be close to completing his education and looking at the world beyond "home". My work world will have evolved into something different than today.  

Three years.

It is impossible to predict where things will be in three years. But what if a doctor told me I had three years to live. You can bet that I would spend those years wisely.

Why not spend my time wisely anyway?

A Room With a Door

I have been finding it impossible to book a date, a time and a place with myself to fulfil Julia Cameron's (author of "An Artist's Way") suggestion to make Artist Dates with yourself. I believe she suggested doing this on a weekly basis. The idea sounded lovely. Until I got home.

My life is occupied. I wake up early so I can write, do my puzzles, banking, tend to cat litter and the odd household task and make any outbound calls that are necessary before I must step out of the house and begin the day. 

My days are long. I don't get home until 7:30 p.m. most days. Later, if I have an errand to run. Since my wake-up time is at 5:00 a.m., I don't have much life in me at the end of each day. I am normally in bed by or before 9:00 p.m. Weekdays are not a day to set aside for an Artist's Date.

Then come the weekends. I fritter away a lot of my time on weekends. I can lose myself in the mundane. I get caught up on Netflix, Facebook scrolling, YouTube videos that are at the end of an Internet search which leads me astray. This could and should be a perfect time to make a date with myself to nurture my inner artist. But it isn't.

I like to have the ability to simply go with the flow on weekends. I don't love making plans which encroach on my days off. I like to follow wherever the road leads. As a rule, when one thing falls naturally into the next and the next without a schedule and time restraints, it results in the best unplanned sequence of events one could ever hope for. The best part is that you don't "hope" for anything at all. Because there has been no set up to allow space for a let down. 

Add to this fact, my love for simply being home. I don't want to go places, do things or leave this most wonderful "nest" I live in. Home is where I want to be. I must force myself out of it five days of the week. I don't want to book time away from the place I most want to be.

Which brings me to "yesterday". Yesterday, I was on a quest to find a picture I knew I had which was within the many boxes of pictures, mementos, cards/letters, bits of history and other miscellaneous items of Mom's I have not yet sorted and organized.

I knew exactly where to find the picture I was looking for. It was in a photo box where Mom once told one of her great-grandchildren, was where she stored her most special pictures. This prophecy continues to be fulfilled. Mom's photo box IS filled with pictures that are special to me. This little box was stored within a huge Rubbermaid container full of other photos, etc, etc, etc.

I pushed, pulled, carried and dragged this heavy box upstairs yesterday morning and parked it in "Mom's room" with a purpose.

"Mom's room" is one of the most unused rooms in our home. The door is closed so the cats don't scratch the couch or shed needlessly throughout the room. The room is filled with items I received from Mom's home. This is the room where I want to display family pictures. The room is filled with a sense of serenity.

As soon as I found this box, I made a date with myself. An Artist's Date.

I will pack up and move into this room-with-a-door this upcoming weekend. On whatever day opens itself up to the opportunity. I will set myself up as if I was away from home. I will pack up nourishment for the day, coffee and all the comforts of home. Then I will close the door and immerse myself in memories, photographs, bits and pieces of "Mom" and the history within the box.

I have photo albums, picture frames, pretty boxes, clear 3-ringed sleeves where I can organize bits of memories and history into a binder. I shall open the box full of special photographs and begin. 

I shall make a date with myself, for myself, by myself in "Mom's Room". A room with a door.

P.S. No cell phones allowed! I will be out of service and out of range during this date.

Planning 101

It seems that my planning and organizing skills are being brushed off and utilized a lot these days.

Not only am I counting down the days to my Great Alaskan Adventure ... but I'm helping My Oldest with a move ... planning to get together with friends ... tending to varying appointments ... a little bit of Zumba-ing ... and oh, I am working as well.

I get to be on the unpacking and organizing end of My Son's move. That will be an exciting place to be, as I explore his kitchen and all of the nooks and crannies of his new home! I was deflated when I heard that he couldn't rent a U-haul the day he had hoped to start moving. But I awoke with the realization that we can load up the cars and get the kitchen and bathrooms organized before the furniture starts coming in. Who needs a U-haul for that?? Onwards!!

I've been trying to organize a day to get together with friends. When you are working with four people's lives and commitments, one never knows how things will come together. It was easy for us to find a time and place to visit. The challenge was to work in a group-pedicure session. Finally yesterday, I simply called the salon and asked what days/times were available. As it turned out, there was only one day that worked. I booked it. Then I called and confirmed with my friends. And it worked!! True to my 'Field of Dreams' fill-in-the-blank-motto: If I book it .... they will come!

I have an array of my own personal appointments to tend to before my holidays. A little of this and a little of that. By the time I sail off, I should leave behind an empty whiteboard (at the moment, it is full of dates/times/and notations for the upcoming weeks).

Zumba. I have lost my Zumba-time this past month. All of the classes I signed up for ended around the time that I was going back and forth to my mom's last month. I hadn't decided what to do about enrolling in the new sessions. Not only had I run out of expendable cash ... I had run out of time. All of the new sessions ran into my Alaskan Adventure dates. The decision was made for me. I told myself that I would just 'drop-in' to some classes instead. But no commitment = no follow through. I haven't been to a Zumba class since March 14th. But ... I have paid and signed up for two Zumba 'Master Classes' this upcoming weekend. I am excited!!

My mom is planning a visit out this way the week before my Great Alaskan Adventure. She will have a chance to see My Oldest's new home, attend a graduation ceremony and a surprise birthday party. We have booked an evening at a Bed and Breakfast ... and I will be surrounded by my mom and siblings the weekend before I leave for the Greatest Adventure of My Life So Far. I am pumped!!

I sat down last night and looked at my budget. All things considered, I am doing okay. This working almost-full-time is a wonderful thing. I can actually budget once again!! I have a very good idea what income is coming in. I know the hours and days that I will be working. I can plan a life around my work instead of planning work around my life. As much as I loved the flexibility of working from home, this is better. Who knew??

Yes, life is busy. A good kind of busy. The kind of busy where 'the more you have to do, the more you get done'.

They say life is what happens when you are making other plans. That was last month. This month? I'm making plans to make the most of this life. So far, it is working.

And Now Back to My Regularly Scheduled Blogging

Enough already about the whole Christmas and New Year's thing! I've been doing nothing but repeating myself for the past while and I'm getting a tad bored with my old tales.

It's time to move on!

This morning, I have been planning the New Year. Not making resolutions. Planning. Totally different.

I am pursuing my interest of Zumba with a vengeance. I plan to make the most of my Zumba lust. We'll see how the year unfolds.

I have an upcoming 'sister' weekend to anticipate. A fun-filled trip out to Mom's while I Zumba the day away and come home to a house full of family at the end of my Zumba fun. Then a good sister-visit all the way back home again.

There is hope of continuing to walk further through the 'door' that was opened over the Christmas holiday. The new year is full of new hope and possibilities.

I am going to complete a course, write a book and complete another course.

Then ... I am going to go on a cruise!

I am going to fill my days with the perfect balance of work, challenge, learning, family, friends and down-time.

I will cook and provide nourishing meals for myself and my family. No more of this "I hate cooking" for me. That is a poor excuse. One's mind doesn't work at full capacity if you don't nourish it.

Our dance showcase will be the highlight of the spring. There are upcoming reunions to anticipate in the summer. A lofty goal that I have set for myself in the fall (that will carry me throughout winter, if all goes as planned).

Whew! I have a lot of ground to cover this year. It's time to get cracking!!

Back to Reality

It's been a wonderful trip ... dreaming of the future, looking at new horizons and wondering how to get from here to there ... but I'm back on the ground again. It was a smooth landing, but I just don't want to hurry off the plane.

I have company coming tomorrow and I haven't done a thing to prepare. I've had free evenings (after a little bit of dancing) and I haven't done anything productive with my free time. I haven't had any book keeping to work on since Sunday, but I haven't filled that time with any other project. I have been living in the land of heading my life in a new direction. It's been good.

The last time I had company, I went into hyperdrive as I cleared the slate and prepared for a 'relaxing weekend'. Instead, I ended up beyond exhausted and I vowed never to repeat that sequence of events. I seem to have taken that to the extreme this time around.

I am expecting the first round of guests around suppertime tomorrow. My brother and uncle are both arriving from out of province and the first leg of our visit is 'supper for 3'. I have put out a blanket invitation to family far and wide to come and join us as it fits their schedule for the 2 days that they are here. Just a relaxed coming and going of company throughout the evening and next day is all I hope for. My sister and her husband are coming from out of town and camping out in a nearby campground. A few of my cousins and their wives are coming from out of town for the BBQ we have on the agenda. Family nearby are invited to come and go or come and stay.

The last time I gathered my cousins together, I was so wound up that I didn't savor the time I had with them. I wanted to undo the day and do it over. I now have my chance!

In the land of 'not wanting to repeat my mistakes', I believe that I may be taking this to an extreme. I want to carry this relaxed state of mind into the next few days. I want our visit to be easygoing, relaxed and fun. I know that I can exude such an incredible amount of nervous energy as I go into hyperdrive as I prepare for these 'relaxed' occasions. I am determined to be a relaxed host and enjoy the next few days as much as (I hope) my company does.

I must now walk away from the fantasy state of the past few days and return to my present day life. I am so fortunate to have this aura of excitement and anticipation ahead of me. I am determined to learn from past experiences to make this a time to remember.

The reality of life is that we really have no guarantees. We may plan big things and dream impossible dreams ... but you must learn to make the most out of the moment you are living. Living in the moment and savoring the here and now is something I have yet to conquer in my day to day life. Looking back, looking ahead and panicking over the state of my here and now seems to be 'the story of my life' ...

My present day goal is to savor the moment I am in. Back to earth, back to reality ... back to living in the moment. I'm getting off the plane now.

The Ultimate Gift

31 Dec 2007

"The Ultimate Gift" ... All I can say is .... it is a movie worth watching ... and lessons learned worth living.

Without giving away the premise of the movie, the timing to watch a movie that has the power to transform a persons life (if they so choose), was perfect. A new year dawning - a time that is known for making resolutions.

I've never been big on making resolutions myself, but I thought I should write down 'The Gifts' and live my life in a way to attain them. The neat part when I watched this movie, is that last year my life turned in a fashion that I wasn't expecting and these ''gifts'' were sprinkled in among some of my most trying times. They were the reason I picked myself up and carried on. I had never felt more hopeless than I felt last year, but as my ''gifts'' were presented to me I regained strength, a sense of myself and I actually started to dream again.

Friends ... family ... dreams ... That was the focus of 2007. Friends ... family ... dreams ... That is still my focus for 2008. There are many other gifts to strive for and attain.

This is my beginning. It is not the end.