Beyond Exhausted

I did it to myself. It was purely voluntary and all under my own control. I overdid it.

I have been tired before, but nothing that even closely resembled the meltdown that I felt the past weekend.

Over reacting to a bad haircut (that in looking back, I simply shouldn't have made the time for). When I felt so upset over hair that will eventually grow back, I should have stopped in my tracks. But I didn't.

I went and exercised for a few hours. Physical exertion usually smooths out the edges of a mind that is reacting to something that it shouldn't be (back to the hair cut). As I exercised, I felt like I could have cried. I just wanted to be done. But I didn't quit. I was supposed to feel better after I exercised. But I didn't.

By this time, I was on autopilot. I thought if I woke up early and exercised the next morning, I'd be back on track. I made the time, I took full advantage of it and then I ran out. I thought I 'still had time' to blog some thoughts out of my system before the day took on a life of its own. I was wrong.

So I sat down with my company and as we had our morning coffee, I heard the unedited words flowing off of my tongue. I was talking about things that didn't matter and the words fell out of my mouth, like a faucet running full force. I needed to stop. So I showered.

I 'washed that mood down the drain', got through the morning and then headed out on our big adventure (a family anniversary celebration).

I felt physically ill as we hit the road. I didn't have time for this. So I closed my eyes and rested them. My mind was still full of the unwritten words that were sitting in the back of my mind, I was thinking about the day ahead, I was trying to cope with the nauseousness that was on the verge of becoming reality. Eventually, we got to our destination.

Once there, a minor chuckle turned into an uncontrollable giddiness. I was melting down in front of my family. I was out of control. I could have sobbed uncontrollably at that moment. But I didn't.

Instead, I turned my focus onto my empty stomach that was full of unabsorbed caffeine. Little sleep, too much coffee, lacking food and overtaxed brain neons firing uncontrollably around inside of my malnourished mind was taxing the grasp of sanity that I had left. And my hair still looked pretty bad (this whole hairy ordeal was overtaking my mind in a way no hair cut ever should).

I was more than a little forceful with my suggestion that we hunt down some supper in the fastest way possible. And we did. Hamburger on a bun satisfied the void in my stomach. If food could fill up that which was empty, maybe that fuel would turn into energy. So I turned to food. All weekend.

The evening unfolded and I managed to keep myself under control. Every now and again, I would hear myself speaking. Not in sentences. Not in a two way conversation. But in a monologue which turned a sentence not only into a paragraph ... but a chapter. I don't even think I breathed. My brain was saying, "Shhhh" ... my mouth had other ideas. But at least I wasn't crying.

My head finally hit the pillow at the end of that long, exhausting day. But it hit the pillow running. I couldn't turn off the thoughts (they were all good thoughts and I didn't care about my hair as much). My body was weary and exhausted. And it rested. It rested well. But my brain was getting pretty worn out.

The next morning, I tried filling my 'fuel tank' (stomach) to get me through the day. Breakfast didn't work, so I grabbed a dose of sugar at the first chance I got. I knew I wasn't feeding hunger at this point, but I was trying to get enough nourishment into my brain to appear coherent. It wasn't working.

I nodded off during a conversation ... I couldn't add to a conversation. I was standing, walking and functioning. But I wasn't interacting with life and people.

This weekend was 'the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow'. It was a culmination of events that led up to this celebration. I was excited about every aspect of the upcoming days. And all that I did preceding this weekend, was so that I could just sit back and enjoy it to its fullest, knowing that 'my work was done' and I would have an empty agenda facing me at the end of it all.

When we drove up to the house at the end of our two fun-filled days, I staggered out of the vehicle and wearily looked at the lawn and I was so grateful that I didn't have to mow it. I wandered into the house and I was ecstatic that I didn't have any errands to run. I met Dale for an early supper and to pick up Kurt. Once again, I gorged myself with food - trying to energize myself for the duration of the day.

We got home, I did the bare minimum and I sat down. Then I slept. All responsibilities tended, the excitement of company and the big events of the weekend behind me ... I slept. And slept.

I woke up 4 hours later and did what had to be done to lessen the load of waking up this morning and facing a 'daycare day' ... and I went back to sleep. I still wasn't 'cured' of the exhaustion because I took a 'mega pack' of Skittles to bed with me. I filled up my stomach with sugar. I'm sure my subconscious mind was looking for energy and it has been finding it in sugar the past few days.

I woke up this morning craving only my breakfast smoothie. I've spent the morning spilling the words that have been free falling around in my mind. Even while I was in a semi catatonic state, all I could think was "What am I going to write about this when I get a chance to sit still??"

I lost control of my verbiage when my Saturday morning blog got interrupted. The loss of control of everything else came from an over taxed, over extended and over exhausted me.

I'm feeling the reserves start to 'fill' again. This week is officially 'a week with no to-do-list' in my mind. I am going to let life unfold as it may.

I'm off to a good start with a dance lesson tonight (provided it doesn't get cancelled). Dancing is my favorite way of filling up on 'fun'.

And so my life beyond exhaustion goes on ...