Just Breathing

I didn't feel the magic when I arrived at my weekend oasis destination last night. This was followed by a restless night's sleep and a morning where I'm just not the "me" I have come to know and expect myself to be.

The past month has depleted me. I am going to focus on "filling up" while I am here. I will start with sitting in a sunbeam with a cup of coffee. And breathing. Just breathing...

Time Flies

I have discovered the secret to making the months fly by is to become a bookkeeper, an accountant or any line of work that has monthly deadlines. Add working from home to the mix and these COVID months have flown by so fast I am one of the rare few who wouldn't mind going back to the beginning of all of this and doing it all over again.

Why in the world would a person want time to go by so fast? In all my years of saving, budgeting and paying off debt, "pay day" was the day of the month I most anticipated. It was the day I could knock a few more dollars off my debt load, pay off the bills and bring myself back to zero, or add to my savings (the savings part goes back to my younger, B.D. - Before Debt years). 

It doesn't matter how much or how little I make; how high or low my debt load is; or how comfortable my life should be financially, I tend to find myself recreating scarcity when it comes to my finances.

When I was working full time, paying for daycare, upgrading my wardrobe, putting more dollars into car maintenance and all the costs associated with working I always felt broke. When a window opened where it seemed like I could breathe a little easier, I added retirement savings, insurance and a regular savings plan to my budgeting scheme to ensure all annual bills were anticipated and ready to pay to recreate the feeling of never having quite enough. 

When I opened my daycare, I didn't earn enough to pay the bills at first. I dipped into my RRSP to shingle the roof. I withdrew the un-locked portion of my pension to make ends meet. I did what it took to keep the bills paid. There was no room for saving but I was at home and paying the bills. I was rich in all the ways that mattered. Just not financially.

Eventually, my daycare income became stable enough to sustain our household expenses. Once again I found ways to return to the feeling of scarcity in the budget. Whether it was house repairs or simply extra-curricular spending, I always seemed to find a way to feel like I was one pay cheque away from financial ruin.

Then came The Year of Mom. The year I ran out to Mom's whenever the need or desire arose. My employment situation was flexible enough to allow for me to take time off and go on a whim. This unpaid time off was subsidized by another pension fund withdrawal. I made it work despite the hit to my income.

I should have been on easy street from that point forward but there was the Year of Fly Away Vacations, followed by the Year of Renovations. At each and every juncture I spent just a little more than I had. 

I juggled here and there to keep balancing to zero but at the end of last year's renovations I was officially $5,000.00 in the hole. 

I thought I was in a place where I could easily pay it off in five, $1,000.00 monthly installments. I was so wrong. My annual savings account where I carefully allotted a set monthly amount to cover the larger annual expenses went by the wayside several years ago. One unexpected expense after another delayed my payment strategy. Now that the months are flying by and I have no incoming invitations and life's expenses have become predictable and manageable my debt will be paid in full tomorrow. Yay!!

This will be followed by paying my taxes, then saving for house insurance and car plates/insurance BUT if no unexpected expenses arise, I could be back in the driver's seat of managing my finances by November.

This is a big "if". There are so many unknown variables. In the meantime, I'm grateful for the speed with which I turn over a new calendar page. With each page, comes the hope that I'm one month closer to financial ease. 

Time flies when you are meeting deadlines.

The Grand Finale of My 2019 Vacation

You know you are feeling a little over-extended when the highlight of your holidays is a colonoscopy.

Anything that follows that sentence is going to be in a "too much information" variety but suffice to say, I am beyond grateful that I must say no to any and all invitations for the next two days.

I am so looking forward to this mandated day of staying home. There is truly no place I would rather be.

I have just gone back to read the blog posts I wrote in the aftermath of this procedure five years ago to remind myself of the coming events. The words that spoke to me were "... a very good night's sleep, which followed approximately twelve hours of intermittent napping" after coming home feeling rather (very) impaired by the sedative.

Dare I admit that I am looking forward to turning off my brain and savoring a mindless day just as much as I am anticipating this day of confinement to my quarters?

Yes, it is a sad state of affairs when I consider this the grand finale of my 2019 vacation.

The Goldilocks Zone

The party is over and now is time to deal with the excess.

Step one of dealing with the excess food was pretty easy. I issued supper invitations which were clearly labelled "left-overs" so no one came expecting more than was offered. That part was actually quite fun.

Excess exhaustion? That was pretty easy to deal with as well. I parked myself on the lawn swing with a few magazines and a Smirnoff Ice. In no time at all, I was 100% relaxed. The next thing I knew, I was waking up. Part Two was falling into a deep, deep slumber the moment my head hit the pillow last night. It was a sleep-through-a-ringing-phone kind of tired.

Excessive cat hair which amassed while house cleaning got put to the bottom of the list was dealt with before I sat down last night. "You don't want to deal with this in the morning" was my sage advise to myself. I was right.

Excessive spending spiralled out of control when an unexpected car repair got tossed into the mix. My head is spinning with the dollars that have been amassing on my credit card(s). Houston, I think we have a problem.

Excessive thinking? I think my brain finally turned off last night. It felt good to have a thoughtless slumber.

Excessive after-hours-chores? That is a little something I need to incorporate into my daily living. Within reason. I have accomplished a lot around here since our house painters finished their work two weeks ago. There is no reason I can't keep the momentum going. None.

Too much of any one thing is not good. Moderate amounts of all of the above is fine. Groceries, spending, housecleaning, work, worry and leisure. It is all about finding the balance where everything feels in alignment. The Goldilocks Zone. 

Accountability

With Great Spending, comes Great Accountability.

Oh dear.

That is all I can say.

Painting + upcoming house insurance (I forgot to account for that) + upcoming holidays = "Houston, we have a problem"

There is nothing I have created that cannot be solved. Long story short, I cannot wait until this Time of Great Spending is behind me. I am very much looking forward to living my quiet, modest little life, spent sitting in or outside our home and simply admiring all that has been accomplished.

The exterior painting of our home was long over due. It was the tipping point and the one expense I should not have added to this year's budget. But it had to be done. It was the right thing to do.

I have booked holidays when my financial state of affairs were in far worse condition than my present day situation. Sometimes you simply have to act on what feels right because that particular opportunity will never arise again. I have never regretted any holiday spending I have ever allowed myself. Never. I am certain this will be the case once again.

The house insurance? I can't believe it fell off my radar. I will plan for this expected expense next year. This was my bad.

It all works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out yet, it is not yet the end.

It's all good. I will be held accountable for all I have spent. No one has done this to me. I have done this myself.

This Time of Great Spending has been fun. But it must end. And that's all I have to say about that.

When Watering a Plant Becomes Too Much

You know you are over extended when even your plants seem too needy. I looked at those two thirsty pots of need and walked away to water them another day. Another day never came.

There just doesn't seem to be enough of "me" to go around lately. When ten to eleven hours of the weekday are spent watching over one to three year olds, there is rarely a chance to sit still in the sun and soak in the day. Somebody always needs something. If they don't, I need to be utilizing those moments where I find them in order to provide food, order and structure within our day. My Fitbit tells me that I put on about 10,000 (usually more) steps per daycare day. This explains why I wear out socks so fast but it also justifies why nothing else seems to get done during my week. Those little people eat up a lot of my energy.

I feel better when I push myself out and mingle with adults throughout the week but doing so takes away from the time I need for "me" and sleep. It is a slippery slope. I don't even want to talk at the end of my day, let alone leave the house. Friendship is so vital to nurturing one's soul. But it is an investment that also takes time and energy from a day that has already gone on for soooo long.

Then there is my Saturday employment. I see no way out, so I focus on what it brings into my week. I use a different part of my brain, I'm helping a friend, I do get paid for my efforts and I finally found a way to work "getting groceries" into a week that is never long enough. I stop for groceries on my way home, pick up sub sandwiches for supper, come home, put everything away then I reward myself with my sub. "All the hard stuff is done! Now I can relax..."

Except, if I want to get anything done at all around the house I cannot afford to fritter away too many Sundays. I take what I need, when I need them but when I spend an entire Sunday working at that which must be done, I am completely depleted when I wake up to a new week the next morning.

The to-do list never ends. In fact it rarely even starts because it is too disheartening to write down what needs to be done when you don't ever get the satisfaction of stroking everything (or anything) off of the list. So I now make "piles". The reading pile, the dream notebook, that which I need to do or file away pile, the income tax pile, the writing pile ...

And then there are (were) the plants. "You want something from me too?? Well get to the back of the line, buster! You can just sit there and wait."

People say plants usually suffer from too much watering. Not in this house, they don't. I used to water the plants on Fridays. Then I would forget on Friday and do it when I remembered the following Monday or Wednesday. Then when the new watering day should have been Wednesday, it got pushed back until Friday again. Then Monday or Wednesday and so on and so forth.

Finally, my plants went two weeks without water. They even had the nerve to thrive throughout their drought. And I neglected to water them when the second Friday rolled around. Or the Monday or Wednesday following that. By the time Thursday rolled around I thought "I don't want these plants and they won't die!" So I put them up for adoption.

Thankfully my second son was willing to take on these plants which had a history. My sister-in-law (his aunt) gave them to us twenty three years ago. They have never been repotted, fertilized or nurtured in any way other than their weekly shot of water. Yet they survived and thrived this neglect.

When my son said he would take them off my hands, I felt the same relief when our poor, neglected dog found a home where he would be wanted, loved and get the attention he deserved. Finally! A good home for our plants.

What is going on when watering two plants once every week or so becomes too much?? I am now wondering what else is dispensable around here. My youngest son better watch out! (just kidding)

Commitment Issues

I woke up with a pit in my stomach this morning.

I had a family email to tend; a text message I sent last night, that felt cool and abrupt and I wanted send an apology; a daycare blog to update; a guilty conscience about one of my little people's reaction to the sun/sunscreen combination (thus, a plan to spend today in the shade &/or inside to alleviate the need for sunscreen); PLUS the knowledge that I must work tomorrow.

Thus, I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders today.

I can go with the flow of my life but my tipping point seems to be my weekend employment.

I would and could never say this to my boss. Once I get there, I have no problem (and actually enjoy) putting in a full day's work. I leave feeling satisfied and like I have accomplished something important.

It is simply committing to that day that depletes me. This is why I find it so very, very hard to plan ahead these days.

Yes, I just booked a four-day visit to see my uncle. But there was an ulterior motive. By doing so, I freed up those four days I would have "spent" during my ten day summer vacation.

I am/was feeling a small amount of anxiety because I forfeited a week of summer holidays this year, in lieu of the extra days off I had to ask for over the course of the past year.

I need to keep my  holidays commitment-free.

I hate when I wake up in the morning and feel so completely depleted before I even place one foot on the floor.

This is my most unfavorite day of the week. Waking up to the knowledge that my weekend is not my own.

I think I have "commitment issues"

The High Cost of Dreaming

I have a serious addiction to watching the Home and Garden Network programming. It is my go-to-television-station and I seem to find it hard to sit and watch any other channel.

I have no idea what it is about watching other people renovating or house hunting or making the best use of their space (upsizing, downsizing, beachfront living, and the list goes on and on) that has me hooked.

Especially when my grandest dreams are buying new doors, a living room window and simply utilizing and taking care of the space I already own.

House prices have gone wild in my neck of the woods. Our Fair City has some of the highest housing prices in the country.

My modest, completely out of date, in dire need of TLC and maintenance is quite likely worth a quarter of a million dollars.

Ridiculous!!

I cannot begin to fathom taking out a mortgage that exceeds that-which-I-already-owe (which is very low, in light of this housing frenzy).

I spoke to some young, new parents and they told me that they are looking at moving out of the city (in part) due to the high cost of housing. They know a couple who bought a house for half a million dollars and they are house poor. They cannot afford to maintain, furnish or decorate it.

We live in a world where two incomes are necessary. Just to pay the meet one's basic needs.

Then I turn on the TV and watch young couples moan and complain that a kitchen "needs a total gut job" because it is so dated (and we are talking about the 1990's).

They don't like the color of the hardwood. As they wander through a 2,000 sq ft home, they claim they need more space. The bathroom is too small. The backyard looks out onto the neighbor's. They want quartz over granite. They need space to entertain. They need a chef's kitchen. Open concept. Popcorn ceilings?!?!! Egad! You have walked into a minefield there.

I look at the programming and then think of this young, house-poor couple.

Low down payments, maxing out debt ratio and buying on the highest end of what people have been told they can afford is a recipe for bankruptcy in my books.

When I bought my home, I had a (relatively) large down payment. I bought on the lowest end of what I could afford (according to the bank). Even at that, if anything broke down, it meant 'immediate debt' to cover replacing or fixing what I had.

Granted, I only had one source of income coming in, but I could have been approved for a higher mortgage. All I could think was, "Why??"

When I hear these couples on the Home-Hunting programs exclaim, "I can't wait to hear what people think", I quite literally cringe.

One of the worst reasons for overextending one's credit limits (in my opinion) is to impress anyone other than yourself.

If I could live in a one room shack that was well maintained and contained a space for everything I needed to live a comfortable life, I would be happy.

As it turns out, I am trying to make my house work for me. So (presently) I need to have space for my daycare business, have child-friendly environment and I need to utilize my space efficiently.

After hours, I like to feel like I live in a home (not a daycare zone) so I crave convertible spaces and storage areas to embrace a feel of warmth and homeyness.

I don't want to spend a lot of time cleaning. I don't want to spend a lot of money updating that-which-works. I don't want to impress people with my house. If there is any 'impressing' to be done, I hope it is by looking into my eyes and seeing 'who' I am. Not what my life looks like.

I like my simple little life, within my simple little home.

I suppose watching others dream, house hunt and renovate is akin to my previous desire to go for a walk at night, in the hopes of being able to peek inside people's houses and admire that-which-I-don't-have.

One day, I may be able to purchase those doors and window. I will have watched so many renovation shows by that time, I will be ready for the domino effect that often follows changing 'one small thing'.

Perhaps that is the reason I do nothing and savor 'peeking in other people's windows' by tuning into the HGTV. It is always nice to have a dream...

Looking Forward to a Cat Day

The whiteboard is white again.

All social obligations have been met and I am free to be me again. This could entail a lot of sleeping. And a lot of alone time. I hope I can stay awake long enough to appreciate being alone.

I am a solitary creature.

I recharge my batteries by hunkering in and inhaling the days by myself, with myself and for myself. I like to call them 'cat days' because I do what our Senior Cat does. I nap intermittently, quietly pad about and just follow my whims. Which mostly involve moments in the sun or lying on the couch dozing intermittently.

I used to take a lot of Cat Days.

The days when I was avoiding working on our family book project were filled with guilt-ridden Cat Days. I should have been working on the book a little bit at a time. If I wasn't working on the book, I should have been cleaning something. If I wasn't working on the book or cleaning something, I should have been accomplishing great things. I was so laden with guilt, that I couldn't force myself off the couch.

The days of working outside my home were stress-filled and exhausting on every level. I came home from work and I slept my evenings and weekends away. I don't remember doing much beyond working and sleeping during those days. I'm not sure if I was capable of more at the time. I certainly didn't feel like I was.

I think we need a certain amount of pressure to accomplish many things. At least I do. I need deadlines in order to get things done. Wishy washy goals without an end in sight are my undoing. Perhaps that is why I have such a love/hate relationship with Christmas. There can be an extraordinary amount of pressure during this season. But it comes with an end date. A heavenly cut-off-date.

I woke up this morning, realizing every little thing that is hanging over my head at the moment will be done. Complete. Given. Mailed. one week from today.

The best part of that news is that I have two complete days, to do with as I please, at the end of it all. Two days with my self imposed to-do-list all crossed off. Two days to go where my body and my mind most need to be.

Two days without pressure, distraction, work or a deadline. Ahhh ,,,

Some people call it Christmas. I call it Cat Day #1.

At Ground Zero

Although I pay off my credit card every month, my balance owing is a revolving one. I already have new charges racked up before I receive my statement. So even though the balance is paid in full, it is never at zero.

An interesting new phenomenon has happened the past few weeks. My credit card has stayed out of action a little bit more than usual, I paid a little bit extra (not knowing what the upcoming few months have in store financially) and my balance is sitting nice and still. At 'zero'.

Zero is my most favorite number.

I like need to 'balance to zero' in all things. Penny outages do not exist in my bank book. If I am out two cents, I look for it. In my bookkeeping world, perfection in numbers is attainable and necessary. When dealing with my family's reunion and history book funds, I was meticulous in my bookkeeping and I couldn't rest easy until I had my books balanced to zero from every which way I looked at them.

Zero is my rest and restart number.

You balance to zero and start all over again. Numbers and life are not static. They are ever-changing and evolving. Some days and months peak and others run at a deficit. But in the end, when all is right in the world, it balances back to zero.

Zero is where I am at right now.

I looked at the 'zero' balance on my credit card statements and I felt at peace. There has been much activity on those cards lately. They reflect what is going on in within my world. With much spending, comes much activity. Whether the money is spent on things seen or unseen, that rocky credit card balance tells me I am buying gas for the car, groceries for our cupboards, dining out with friends, feeding and taking care of our cat's needs and the needs of our home and the people within it.

I feel like 'all is tended to' at the moment.

My need for quiet, to rest and recharge has been running at a deficit for a while. Three days ago, I hit a crescendo and I could go no further. I stopped. Thankfully 'the world' stopped with me. Two uncommitted evenings at home (with many more in the future) reset the tenuous balance of 'too much' versus 'not enough'. I am balancing somewhere in the middle right now and loving every moment of it.

All is right with my world. I'm sitting back at ground zero again.

My Fortress of Solitude

I need to crawl into my shell and regroup.

I have pushed myself through and beyond and long past my personal limits this past little while. I thought I was coming out the other side of it but I was wrong.

I have honored all commitments which have been placed before me. The little whiteboard on the side of our fridge is almost empty of dates and obligations. I want to erase it completely but I can't (instead, I cleared off some of the clutter on the kitchen counter).

I'm almost there.

I must tend to one (maybe two) more social obligations almost four weeks into the future.

Then there is work. Oh, work. I wish I was working for the money because then I would feel more in control of my weekend employment. Instead, I am working to help out a friend. It feels good when I am there. But it feels so awful when I see weekend after weekend committed. I would rather be surprised and simply not know ahead of time. I don't mind just 'showing up'. I just hate being scheduled to appear.

All I want for Christmas is an empty calendar.

A calendar which has no specified commitments or obligations. A calendar which is clear and empty and gives me the time, space and energy to show up whenever and wherever the spirit moves me.

I am good with going with where that 'spirit' takes be. It has never been wrong. I am always at the right place, at the right time when scheduling doesn't force my hand.

Do I want to go out for coffee? Yes. But let's not plan it. Let's just DO it.

Do I want to pop over for a visit? Sure. But don't ask me ahead of time. Ask me when you are ready and if I can come, I will be there.

Do I want to see a movie? Definitely! Let's just go on a whim though, okay?

I need to erase my whiteboard. I want to flip the calendar page and see ... nothing. I want to hunker down deep inside of myself and fill myself up with rest, solitude, reflection, quiet (oh, the quiet) and replenish the energy source deep inside of me.

I want to run away from it all. And I have the perfect place to go!! My family was already a step ahead of me and I have the gift cards, a gas card, spending money and a Tim Hortons gift card. All I have to do is show up.

I have it all and do you know where I want to go most of all???

I found another new room-with-a-door under my very own roof. My Second Son and his entourage moved out four and a half months ago. Since that time, I have been so wrapped up in the family book and reunion process that I had not stepped into that beautiful Fortress of Solitude until Sunday night.

I sunk deep into the sofa and lost myself to the world outside of that door. My Youngest Son and Junior Cat found me. They wandered in and out of the room at their leisure. I was surrounded by everyone and everything that means the world to me. And I was home.

I just want to enjoy my own company for a while. If you want to stop by, I will welcome you with open arms. If I don't have to leave my 'fortress', I will be a very happy camper indeed.

I have it all. And it is under this very roof. I don't have to take one step away from where I already am, to go where I most want to go.

I just need to regroup for a while. Don't be afraid to knock on my door. I will be oh-so-happy to see you. Just please don't ask me to leave for a while.

My Room-With-a-Door Has Never Looked So Good

I hate to say it, but I am feeling rather greedy about my upcoming long (long) weekend. I have four days at my disposal. Four entire days. No where I have to be or go or do. Every single thing I decide to do is optional.

I know (part of) one of those days will be spent balancing our family reunion funds to zero. My mind cannot rest until I have every penny accounted for. It is silly. I know. But that is my brain for you. Logical and meticulous when it comes to handling other people's money. It is what it is. I will find this difference and put it aside.

And when I do, I can only hope and imagine that the words (that are being blocked by the numbers) will start to trickle out my fingertips.

In my best case scenario, my words will be aided and abetted by pictures. I long to immerse myself in pictures to remind me of the 'little things', to show me what I missed and to see our family reunion from the outside, looking in.

This will be the first free weekend that I have had, to do with as I please (no book to organize; no bookkeeping hours required; no reunion to plan; no plans to go anywhere) for a very, very long time.

In the five years preceding 'the completion of the book-project', I frittered away time and weekends such as this without blinking an eye (literally - I closed my eyes and slept through much of that free time).

I could look back at those weekends and be disgusted at myself for wasting so much of my time. Granted, I did waste a lot of time. Some of that down-time was necessary. A lot of it was frittered away thinking "I should be working on our book project" but not doing anything about it. 'Shoulding' yourself to death takes an incredible amount of energy. Thus, I slept.

I don't have any 'should-do' list this weekend.

Scratch that. Perhaps I should have a huge one. I should start cleaning this house of ours. That would be a perfect way to channel some of my unspent energy and use it for the greater good.

I should clean. I (think I) need to balance my reunion funds. I want to write. It is time to sit still and have a cat day (I can tell, by the way Senior Cat gazes into my eyes that we need to spend some time becoming 'one' with the couch together). I could run out and have coffee with my sister. I'd like to go out and bond with my new grand-kitty (my Second Son and His Girlfriend have gone on a five day holiday and I am on Pet Detail). I have a pending coffee date with a friend and an invitation from another ...

There is so much to do and only four short days to do it.

I already miss my secluded weekends where I locked myself into my room-with-a-door. I have just made the most incredible memories and have so many warm and happy thoughts are anxious to make their way to the surface of my consciousness. I don't want to lose them. I want to write them out, feel them, relive them and find a way to hold onto them. I want to lock myself in a room with them.

My room-with-a-door has never looked so good. Is it wrong to simply want to close out the world and hover in this place of wonder. Just for four short days??

Life gets too busy too fast. The good stuff gets lost when you don't have the time to sit still with it, hold onto it and cherish it.

That is all I hope for this weekend. Just to hold onto my life and be grateful, satisfied, content and at-one with all-things-good (our family of cats, included).

I don't know what this upcoming weekend will bring. I hope not much. I'm ready for it...

Sometimes ...

I had a nightmare this morning: 

I had made a promise to pick up a friend so that we could meet with a group of friends for coffee. I looked at the clock and I had an hour before I had to leave. The next time I looked at the clock, I was an hour late. Not only that, but I could not get my phone to work so that I could call my friend to explain that I was (finally) on my way. 

My sister and her friend were with me. And I didn't have a car. Nor did I have a plan. We were somehow transported (via dream-magic) to somewhere on "8th Street". And I didn't know which way to turn. We headed off to pick up one friend and it would have taken close to an hour to walk there. Then I remembered that the friend I had promised to pick up was much closer to where we were standing. So we turned around and headed towards her home. 

It was then, that I realized that I had (somehow) gotten my phone to work and she wasn't home (so she must have left without me). So we just had to head towards the place we were going to meet for coffee. For the life of me, I couldn't remember where we were meeting. I was late. I was standing in the middle of no-where-that-I-was-supposed-to-be and I had no idea where to go next...

Then I woke up.

The dream was so real, I almost emailed this particular group of friends to see if we had any upcoming plans that I had forgotten to write down. Gradually, the night-fog cleared and I realized that it was all just a dream. The reality is ... that I feel like I am standing still in the middle of the life that is going on all around me.

Life has been a little busier than I am comfortable with lately.

It has been a good busy. Lots of interaction with people. A little bit of 'Doing Hard Things' and dealing with the aftermath. A little gadding about and tending to friendships, work and life. Lots of coming and going within our home. It has simply been ... busy.

I am grateful. But I also been ... tired.

I am tired of thinking. I am tired of talking. I am tired of interacting. Last night, I was so tired that I went to bed before 7:00, but my body wasn't tired and my brain was filled up with all-that-I-have-not-been-doing. Needless to say, I woke up (and immediately fell back to sleep) about every hour or two all night.

Then I woke up this morning and reread an email that a friend sent to me yesterday:

... and I realized that this is the magic ingredient that is missing at the moment. 

When too much is going on in your life, book some time for yourself. I will be back with my own thoughts just as soon as I take a few of those moments for myself...

If It's Not Done Early ... It is Not Done at All

If it doesn't get written done by 7:30 a.m., there is a pretty good chance that it is not going to get written done at all. This is the story of my life.

Things have been headed this way for a while. A week full of  Daycare Days, followed by weekend employment with writing assignments tossed in for good measure equals a lack of productive time within my life as I know it.

Life has become far too busy. I have worked three weekends in a row. I did take one entire day for myself, but I managed to turn a fun-filled day into a work day. I left the house at 8 a.m. and didn't return until 5:30. Trust me to turn fun into work...

I wake up Friday mornings with a pit in my stomach. Oh no. The weekend. Friday morning, I tried to write about something that was not of the oh-no-it-is-Friday-again variety. But I ran out of time. I couldn't get the words written before my revolving door opened for the day. I took a minute and wrote down what I could when the morning got quiet but I didn't have time to finish my thought and post it. It didn't get done by 7:30 ... so it didn't get done.

I started this post yesterday morning. Then I started emailing and texting and talking in the middle of my second paragraph and the next thing I knew, I had to run out the door to get to work. I got home and barely got through supper when the evening's events took over. Then I slept.

I resumed this post this morning. I added an excessive amount of words that were unnecessary and then wrote an email instead of editing this down to size.

I have reset my alarm for 5:00 a.m. ... maybe an extra half hour in the morning will help. But what I really long for, is a leisurely weekend morning.

I miss my weekends. I really, really do.

I am grateful for all of the avenues of employment that have opened up for me. But life is so much more than work. I know that I need to earn a living. But what I really long for is a life.

In the mean time, I have my mornings. I will have to make the most out of those precious hours and do as much as I can before 7:30 a.m. ... because if it isn't done by that time, it probably won't get done.

Sigh. I am off to work. Again.

Playing Catch-Up

Losing a weekend (and all of the sleep that goes along with an out-of-town-adventure) does not bode well for the week that follows. At least for me ...

I could not sleep last weekend. One part anxiety + another part missing-my-home-environment + yet another part adrenaline = three parts of emotional exhaustion at the dawn of a new week.

Emotional wear and tear does not work well when trying to accomplish anything of importance during ten hour days of tending small children. I should not be trying to accomplish anything at all during my days of care-giving. In the past, I have been able to fit a few things into the cracks of my days. Lately? Not so much.

My brain is a replica of what you see in andaround our home.

If the kitchen table has anything at all on it, my brain is at least 'that' full. But a true indication of what is happening within my mind, is what you see happening on the desktop of our main computer.

On a 'normal' day, I will have one or two tabs open on the Internet browser so I can quickly check on what my Facebook friends are doing or anything related to my blog. On any other day, I will have numerous tabs open so that I can read something that sounded intriguing ... or look up an answer to something that I was wondering about ... or finish researching something that I was supposed to do ... or any number of things.

If I have my small net-book computer turned on, this is very dangerous indeed. As a rule, I will have my Family Research project opened up. If I have been displaced from our main computer, I will have the Internet browser up and running and opened up to all-that-interests-me-at-the-moment.

This week, I have had to tend to columns that are due, reservations to be made, responding to emails about our Family Research, replying to emails from friends-that-I-have-been-neglecting, my quarterly daycare newsletter that is pending and my daily blog updates here and for my daycare families.

I had not yet opened last Sunday's paper (on Wednesday) when a student walked up our driveway just as we were exiting our car to tell us that we would be receiving a free daily newspaper for a 'nominal fee' to help him with school expenses. A daily paper to read when I cannot even keep up to our free weekly paper?! I don't think so.

I bought myself a magazine to read during my real-life Hotel Oasis Adventure when I attended my high school reunion last weekend. I didn't even open it until two days after I got back home. And it had a crossword inside of it. Me and crosswords! If I see one, I must do it. And it cannot be done half way. It must be done to my satisfaction. Any literature that contains a crossword becomes a-job-that-must-be-done.

The week has not been conducive to finishing that which I have started.

The columns that I intended to submit on Thursday? I finally completed the job two days later. The reservations that I could have made on Thursday? Waited until Friday. This morning, I have tended to all-that-must-be-done and I have been exiting out of windows on the computer with a flourish (as I wrote that sentence, I discovered two unread emails; responded to one and started a reply to the second...).

It is little wonder that I am not accomplishing anything. I am not sticking with one thing until it is done.

It is my goal to turn off the distractions within my world. I want to relearn the habit of starting and finishing one thing before I 'open up' six other 'windows'.

I am tired of starting ten things and finishing none. I believe that I am allowing (inviting) the on-line world to intrude upon my day when it has no business sticking its nose into the cracks of my day. I must deal with the five windows that are open on the computer at this moment and live this day out loud. Even if living it means opening up a book and sitting still for more than two minutes at a time.

I'm tired of feeling that I'm falling behind. I have set unrealistic goals if I cannot complete them. It is time to do a little housekeeping-in-my-mind and tend to that which is truly the most important.

Too ... Much

I'm feeling a little 'too ... something' right now.

It started slowly and was barely noticeable. But one phone call started to tip the balance. One more 'date-to-remember' ... one day after 'another-date-to-remember' ... on the same day that My Youngest started asking about 'what-we-could-do-to-celebrate-his-birthday'. Add this to the one weekend that I made plans (a few months ago)? Add all of the above to working on Sundays? It equals ... too much.

The month of June has been filled up with commitments. It started small. But it has grown. It is too busy.

Weekends started losing their fascination for me when work obligations started to overrule the leisure time. I have let the flyer routes go. I have not been asked to do work at my 'housecleaning job' for quite some time now. I just have one job left. On Sundays. When one half of (almost) every weekend is dedicated to work, I feel too committed.

So what have I been doing with any spare moment that I have within any given moment on a weekend? I have been spending money. I called it 'investing in my daycare' to compensate for my guilt in over spending. I agreed to adopt another cat. I have no idea what to call that to compensate for my need to fill a hole that is starting to become bigger than I want to admit. I'm filling that-which-is-empty within me with 'things'. I am spending too much.

My words are frail and brittle. I sit down each morning and wonder what I am going to write about. I am not finding small wonders within everyday moments as often as I was a little while ago. The emptiness within me is making its way to my fingertips. I am not writing honestly. I am not writing enough.

As empty and as over-committed as I am starting to realize that I am feeling underneath the busy-ness that is my life, I know it will all work out in the wash. I am woman, after all. Hear me roar. Or is that perhaps the roar of too many hormones? Or not enough. I really don't know how this hormonal stuff works when you are 50+ years old.

I have decided that the answer to my 'too much ... something' feeling is all summed up in the previous paragraph. I have never been one to blame the ebbs and flows of hormonal changes on the-way-I-am. Perhaps those around me would beg to differ.

For me? What I noticed is that there was a time of reckoning (perhaps every four weeks or so ... or during pregnancy ... or after my children were born), when all of a sudden everything seemed to be brought out into the open. When someone accused me of having the 'Baby Blues', I silently retorted "Baby Blues!??!!! Give me a break! I'm finally just putting a voice to all of the thoughts that I've been thinking for years!!"

I have turned what others may call PMS into my time to take action. It is a time when all that is not working is brought into sharp focus. Much of the time, the focus brings many, many good things to light. When life is out of balance? The focus shifts to that-which-needs-to-be-fixed.

So I shall go and 'fix' something.

• I don't have to attend each and every function that is happening in the month of June. Simply recognizing that fact eases my tension.
• My Son's birthday party will be easy. We simply have to plan it on a night where I don't have to work the next morning. To me? It will be a mandatory night off. At home (he is talking about having some friends sleep over)!!
• I should talk to my Sunday Employer and see if we can come up with a plan where I can work two long days in lieu of being available every weekend.
• Whenever I feel the urge to spend, I need to spend energy instead of cash. Something inside of me needs nurturing when I feel consumed to fill that need with spending, food or excess sleep.
• I need to refocus and look at the world through my rose tinted glasses. Looking at the world through the eyes of my Daycare Family is a good place to start. But I must focus on that-which-is-good. Because I have the tendency to focus on that-which-is-tedious when I get like this.
• I must continue to write. And write honestly. It is times when I let my fingers fly over the keyboard without excessive internal monitoring along the way, that I find my writing is real and relatable.
• I will grant myself permission to 'just blame it on my hormones' from time to time. Maybe a hormonal day-off should be in order. Simply a day to just say to myself "... and this too shall pass away ..." And when it doesn't? I shall be grateful for the clarity that comes with a really bad day. Often, the best solutions come after the greatest fall.

To anyone reading this that knows me well? Please also know that I am really, really okay. I'm just letting my fingers fly this morning. And this is what they have to say. Today. In this moment. Five minutes from now could (and will be) another story.

Sometimes a person just has to say the words. Unspoken words hold far too much power. I'm just saying it out loud.

Yesterday, it was great customer service. Today? It is a temporary case of 'too much' ...

Time to Exhale

I am very sensitive to noise-overload. Perhaps it is better phrased as 'sensory overload'. My days have been extremely noisy lately.

I have been craving quiet and solitude. A lot. I gave myself the gift of 'a day' on Saturday and I have been playing catch-up ever since...

I felt guilty for it. The phone was at my side on my self-imposed day of solitude and I willed it not to ring. It didn't. Until it did.

It was good that the phone rang. It brought the gift of friendship into my day of 'inhaling' and my friends are as vital as oxygen and water to me . The downside is that I have been trying to 'exhale' ever since and I haven't found the opportunity to do so.

A day of absorbing the world was exactly what I needed. I let the day unfold as naturally as it could. I watched movies. Some were deep. Others weren't. But I found gifts in the shallowest of things on Saturday. Because I was breathing in the day.

I read. I bought the book "Carry On, Warrior" by Glennon Doyle Melton. I stumbled upon Glennon's blog innocently enough (I love days that allow me to follow where ever a computer link may lead). I would love to buy a dozen copies of this book and spread them around whenever I see someone who may benefit from it. These words speak so loudly to me and I interpret them on so many different levels. I love where this author's words take me ...

I inhaled so deeply that I was filled to the brim. I invited friendship into that oxygenated state and I was met with so many more words to inhale. I had so much to say ... then the real world came crashing in on me.

I had to work on Sunday. I have honed the art of procrastination and hadn't completed the job that I had to do at home, before I returned to my work place. I crammed in as much as I could before I had to go to my job but I had underestimated the time it would take to do the job and I was quite literally running out the door (I skidded out in the middle of the living room in my race against time) to make it to work in time.

I worked over six hours. I had to buy groceries on the way home. I didn't walk in the door until 6:30 and supper was necessary. I wanted it to be another fend-for-yourself-night, but we have had so many of those lately that I couldn't deny my son the pizza he asked for. So I combined picking up said pizza, with another errand that I had not run (due to my Saturday-of-inhaling). I got home at 9 p.m. and I still hadn't eaten supper. I needed to have a shower. It was 10:00 before I sat down. I had words bottled up inside of me with no energy or time left in the day to put a voice to them ...

I woke up at 5 a.m. yesterday and chose to stay in bed until 5:30. Big mistake. I could have used that 30 minutes. I needed to write. I needed to exhale but the day got in the way.

My daycare charges are draining every ounce of energy that I have in me. They need something. All day. All of the time. Except when they sleep. I made one more mistake yesterday. I took that nap time and spent it on matters of an income tax kind. I unearthed a small mystery that consumed every breath that was already consumed in a very kid-oriented day. The mystery was not completely unravelled until last night.

The day was spent and so was I.

So when I woke up at 5 a.m. once again this morning, I heeded that call and got up. I was greeted with messages in my inbox which I responded to. Again, there was more to 'inhale', than I had time to 'exhale' completely.

The clock was ticking. My son wanted the computer. I was five minutes away from the onset of my daycare day. I asked my son for those last five minutes on the computer.

I raced to update my daycare blog as my first family walked in the door. The day began like every other. The challenges of the day ahead were set before me. I looked at my son and asked him how was I going to do this for ten more hours. He understood exactly what I was saying. As he left for school, he wished me well with my day. The words came from a place in his heart. He not only knew what I was thinking, he knew what I was feeling.

All that I was feeling was validated in that very moment. It was enough. Because here I am.

I have rerouted my strategies today and I have a completely different game plan in mind. Two out of four of 'my kids' called in and told me that they will not be coming today. I have an opportunity to redo yesterday because I have the same two children that I feel that I 'failed' yesterday, here for a do-over.

The strategy is working. Because I have sat still and had an opportunity to breathe out the entirety of this blog post with almost no interruptions as they play contentedly at my side. They are getting along. They are acting in age-appropriate ways (my two-year-old that has honed the art of copying his one-year-old buddy has so completely that he has absorbed her ways, tones and inflections that I cannot honestly tell one voice apart from the other).

I need time to exhale all of the words that my day of 'inhaling' has wrought. I have so much to say and little time to say it. I feel slightly asthmatic as I deal with an excess of incoming 'air' and the lack of ability to breathe it out.

Today begins the process of exhaling...

TGIM

I have been busy lately. But it has been good. There has been balance. Things were getting done. I just kept moving and had time to catch my breath and simply breathe along the way.

I don't know if I over thought this weekend. Or if things fell horribly out of balance. Or if it is just all catching up with me now...

But this weekend? Not a favorite.

Thankfully, I moved off of the couch Friday night and worked in a few small errands. But possibly that was my downfall ... because that meant that I (almost) didn't even need to bother to wake up on Sunday.

Saturday was fully 'committed' from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning until I closed them at night. It wasn't all work. But fun becomes work-like when you squeeze it into a day like that.

Sunday? Was a free day. I slept in. I went out for breakfast. I came home and slept. Then woke up and nodded off some more. Then ran out to get a few groceries (which ended up taking far, far, far longer than it should have) and came home (at 8 p.m.!!) to a home-cooked supper that was ready and waiting for me.

I should have been in my glory. But I wasn't. The day was completely and totally out of kilter.

I needed conversation. I needed to be around people. But I was empty. I had nothing in me to give. Mom called and I couldn't keep up my half of the conversation. I went out for breakfast with My Son & His Girlfriend and I had to try too hard. I wasn't myself. I had no words for emails or blogs or anything creative. I forced a few words out of myself but I literally had to rest afterwards.

The month of March is blissfully empty of commitments at the moment. I have a tentative coffee date and movie night and another when-we-can-make-it-work plan to get together with another friend. But nothing is written on my calendar.

It is the weekends that are the wild card. I don't know what they hold. Will I be booked to clean? Or do bookkeeping? Or neither? Or both? I don't know ...

When it comes to work, I like to know. When it comes to leisure, I like to play it by ear and write it down on my calendar after the fact.

I am tired. I am so very tired. And all I can say is ... I am glad it is Monday.

I hope you woke up to a day that you are grateful for today. If you didn't feel anticipation for the day at dawn, I hope you can look back on the day after it is spent and be happy with the way it unfolded.

"It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out; it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

~ Robert W. Service

P.S. I think I had better check my shoes for that grain of sand ...

"It's Saturday! It's Saturday!", she says with a sigh

"It's Friday! It's Friday!", read an early morning email that I received today. I sighed when I read the words. Friday just isn't the same as it used to be ...

Friday winds up my week of daycare. It usually arrives just in time because by Friday, I am really starting to run out of tricks. By the day's end, I definitely have the words "It's Friday! It's Friday!" running through my head. Okay, okay ... you will find me uttering it out loud as well. Friday does signify the end of the week. On one hand.

On the other hand ... I still have flyers to deliver Friday night. More papers to deliver Saturday. On one foot ... I have a Saturday morning housecleaning job. On the last foot ... I have bookkeeping duties that sound like they will creep into Sunday afternoon. 

Then I will wake up Monday morning to do it all over again. At least my Monday - Friday job is from home. I can fit a fair little bit of my own little life into the cracks of my days...

I wrote these words yesterday morning. Other than a few incoherent 'one' to 'ten' word emails that I sent (that were completely inappropriate or missed the point), my brain was mush. Thank goodness it was Friday. I guess.

It is now 4 a.m. Saturday morning ...

I am awake and afraid to go back to sleep because this just may be the only 'me' time that I have today before I must leave the house at 8:30 this morning.

I had tentative plans to get together last night with a friend. When part of her plans changed, I didn't get back to her to see if she still wanted to get together for coffee. Fail!! Instead? I took advantage of my free after supper hours to get a bad  haircut (how bad can it be? ... a chunk of my bangs are missing. A chunk!!).

I had the presence of mind to send an email to a friend at the exact time of a huge turning point in her life. An occasion that she has been anticipating for years on end. Years. What did my email say? I have no idea. It was inane. Inappropriate. Insufficient. In so many words?? Another fail!

Yesterday, I had two Excel spreadsheets open on the computer. I had a Microsoft Word document up so that I could make a quick revision and print it off. I had Google Chrome minimized on the computer (I can't add photos or videos to my daycare blog unless I do it in Google Chrome). I had Windows Movie Maker minimized as well, so that I could start splicing and dicing some video clips of the day together for my daycare blog. I also had three windows open in Internet Explorer. I had this post sitting unfinished. All day. I just had to complete my thoughts and hit 'Publish'.

And that was just on one computer. I had my netbook computer turned on and sitting on the kitchen table with various open programs also open and waiting for me to pay attention to them.Then there was a parcel to be mailed. A fax that I needed to send. Calls to make. A forgotten to-do-list sitting in my bedroom ... and a stray newspaper made it into the house, begging to be read. Oh yes, and I had two, 1-year-old girls vying for my attention (which they did get, thus everything else simply sat there and multiplied by itself throughout the course of the day).

I had flyers to deliver at the day's end. Hair that was long and shaggy and in need of attention. And all I really wanted to do was to sit down on the couch with a plate full of supper and watch a taped episode of "The Gilmore Girls".

I tended to a few must-do-items last night. But I neglected my friend that had suggested coffee ...

And today? I don't want to 'do' today. It will be fine. It always is. Just getting up and getting on with the day will propel me into action and I will be very pleased that I had something to show for the day. I will. I always do.

I just want to fast forward to the part where I climb back into bed tonight. Because tomorrow? Is free. No papers. No kids. No bookkeeping. No cleaning. No nothing. I will wake up in the morning singing, "It's Sunday! It's Sunday!!" ...

But for now? I am going to crawl back under my covers and revel in an hour more sleep. I can't wait to get back to bed tonight....and I haven't even crawled out of bed yet this morning. Sigh ...

G'night.

The Time Factor

It's just beginning ... the time factor could start to impose a threat on my new found serenity.

I am so grateful to have a side income from delivering flyers. I get paid to exercise. This will force me outside despite the weather, lack of sunshine or warmth. Fresh air, sunshine and exercise is a good combination. It is even better when it comes with a financial reward. But it is the time that will start to play havoc with how the days unfold.

One and a half hours on Wednesday. Three hours over the course of Friday and Saturday. I have the freedom to work this into my day where ever it fits. I can fully appreciate the flexibility of this responsibility after the path I've travelled of late.

It is getting just a tiny bit challenging to fit this into those time frames the past few weeks ...

Then there is my writing.

Three papers are running my column. At the moment, I have several deadlines looming. I must get some more columns submitted. I simply haven't had the energy to devote to writing lately. It is partially a time factor. The other part of the equation is that I spend a lot of my words verbally lately.

I spent the weekend with my sisters. I talked so much that I was continually the last one to finish eating what was placed in front of me. When they left, I had a few phone calls to make. By the time I hung up the phone and felt the quiet of the house envelope me ... all I could hear was the sound of my own voice ringing in my ears.

Now I'm starting up another daycare blog for my parents. This required a little time and a few more words to put it all together in one cohesive unit. Add this to the chapters that I am writing and illustrating (inserting photos that we take during our days) about our Days at Daycare and I'm coming up empty at the end of the day.

I am using up my quota of words and I still have so many places that I need to 'spend' them! I dare not even mention the book that I should have completed long ago about my dad's family history and memories ...

Then there are my friends.

I read an article about the high cost of friendship the other day. The article talked of the cost of dining out, going to the theatre, working out and other ways that we spend money when we socialize with friends. I looked at my friendships and they 'cost' me very little. The only cost is ... time.

I used to live a very quiet life. Most of my friends and family lived out of town or in another province. I wrote a lot of letters and it was a rare treat to talk to them on the phone (before long distance phone bundles became the norm). There was a small 'time' factor ... but nothing compared to what I spend today.

Investing time on friends and family is the best investment one can make. Spending my working hours at home is the best way to make the most of those little 'cracks' in the day to do that-which-I-want-to-get-done and still take care of all my responsibilities.

Why am I starting to panic ever-so-slightly?? Because I still have one part-time-at-home job to fit into all of the above. Ten hours a week. Something has got to give. I just haven't figured out what ...

I suppose I should start by turning off the TV!